Episode 1 Animal Antics

Broadcasting from the world-famous BBC Television Centre,

with your hosts Tim Brooke-Taylor and Sparky The Dog.

Bringing you the news as you've never seen it before.

This is Animal Antics.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You're watching Animal Antics,

the show that brings you all the latest news from the animal kingdom.

I'm Tim Brooke-Taylor and here to offer his expert

animal opinion is my dog, Sparky.

-Good evening.

-Here are the headlines.

Free-running squirrel forgets to put in his contact lenses.

Cat fluffs audition for Downton Abbey.

Chameleon accidentally receives naked picture of his granny.

IT SHRIEKS

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

But first, our main story tonight.

Gangs of animals continued to wreak havoc across the country last night.

More than 50 animals have been arrested.

Our cameras captured some of the worst scenes.

In Aylesbury, this boy was viciously attacked in his own home.

Disgraceful!

In Luton, teenage gangs carried out a spate of burglaries.

This hoodlum was caught on camera

trying to steal an old lady's handbag.

He then turned his thieving attention to a carrier bag

full of boiled sweets.

The cowardly cat burglar was about to raid the drinks cabinet when

the neighbours alerted the police

and he was forced to flee empty-pawed.

This thieving bear was caught stealing from a house in Ormskirk.

CAT MIAOWS

BEAR GROWLS

The owner of the property confronted the robber,

but was powerless to stop him legging it with a bag full of loot.

BEAR GROWLS

Many people have taken to the internet to

record their experiences of the crimewave.

Well, someone in the house keeps stealing my food.

I don't know which of the roommates it is,

but every time I turned around, there's food missing.

I am really getting sick of it. I pay a lot for these groceries.

And it wasn't just urban centres that were affected,

as the crimewave spread to rural areas.

And look what happened to this couple whilst trying to enjoy

a relaxing Sunday morning drive.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ohh!

The thug then fled the scene.

And if you thought that was bad...

HE SCREAMS

Let's just see that again.

Absolutely disgraceful scenes.

Sparky, give us the benefit of your expert opinion.

Well, Tim, that kind of behaviour is simply unacceptable

and may I just point out that you didn't see any dogs in there?

You'd not catch man's best friend committing crimes of that nature.

I'm going to have to stop you there.

This footage was taken in the market town of Bicester.

Yeah, that's Simon Collie, that is. Not doing anything wrong.

Probably just looking for his bone. All right, yeah, he's taken a wallet

but it's not like he's stolen any money from it.

Ah, yes! That's hard to defend.

To combat this crime spree, police are urging animals up

and down the country to set up Neighbourhood Watch groups.

This kitten in Chelmsford

is on a round-the-clock look out for criminals.

As is this nosy parker in Harrogate.

Thanks to the neighbourhood watch scheme,

crime is down 74% in Great Yarmouth

and Sydenham has never been safer, thanks to this sort of vigilance.

And Alexander the meerkat here has taken a break

from selling cheap car insurance to keep an eye on his neighbourhood.

Here he is, doing his best impression of a guard dog.

MEERKAT BARKS

In better news, police believe they have identified the crime-lord

behind this spate of lawlessness and have released this footage.

His owners call him Twinkle, but on the street,

he is known as The Claw.

He's been connected to numerous crimes including cat food smuggling,

curtain shredding and bird torture.

Members of the public are warned

not to approach him,

because he may give you worms.

-However, police are fighting back.

-Go, go, go.

They've launched a series of raids across the country.

-AS POLICEMAN:

-Freeze. Put your hands up. You're nicked.

You've got guilt written all over your face.

You with the big eyes! Get out the bush.

Somebody's looking a bit sheepish.

IT BLEATS

Don't say a word.

Lock 'em up and throw away the key.

Some pretty strong views there, Sparky.

Well, I didn't have it easy, I made mistakes.

I was in and out of Battersea, but I got myself a job and paid my way

through journalism school.

-Coming up, we have some...

-I know I was very lucky to end up with

an owner like you, Tim.

You've given me stability and above all else,

you've always let me express myself.

Right, you're going to have to shut up now, Sparky,

because we've got some breaking news.

We're going over to Basingstoke where

I'm hearing reports of a trapped animal.

We should be getting live pictures any time now.

DOG WHIMPERS

Apparently, he's been down there for some time. Rescue teams are on

the scene, but they're not quite sure how to get him out.

I don't know if he can hear me down there, but I am going to try

and ask him some questions.

Roger, how are you feeling right now?

HE YELPS

-You talk to him, Sparky.

-Don't you worry, Rog.

We've all been there, we've all made that mistake.

You're a bit thirsty, you go for a drink,

next thing you know you are wedged in the U-bend.

What I want to know, Tim, is where were the owners?

We'll bring you more on that story as it develops,

along with all of this.

Coming up, we've got a round-up of all today's top stories.

I take a closer look at bullying in the workplace.

Please be warned, the footage I uncover is not for the fainthearted.

CAT SCREECHES

And we'll be bringing you a special report

ahead of this year's animal Olympics.

In other news, more and more dogs are choosing to walk on two legs,

but it's not the legs you'd expect.

Let's take a look at this new craze sweeping the dog population.

# I just can't, I just can't I just can't control my feet

# I just can't, I just can't I just can't control my feet

# I just can't, I just can't I just can't control my feet

# I just can't, I just can't I just can't control my feet

# Sunshine Don't blame it on the moonlight

# Don't blame it on the good times

# Blame it on the boogie

# Don't you blame it on the sunshine Don't blame it on the moonlight

# Don't blame it on the good times Blame it on the boogie

# I just can't, I just can't I just can't control my feet

# I just can't, I just can't I just can't control my feet. #

Let's take a look at what else is making the news today.

Cat struggles to get anything done due to horrendous bout of hiccups.

Increasing number of squirrels rejecting nuts

in favour of a bacon sarnie.

Fight breaks out over use of treadmill at hamster gym.

Rock star pony clashes with paparazzi after boozy night out!

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Norman the dog says he's ready for the Tour de France.

LAUGHTER

BICYCLE SQUEAKS

And zebra sets a new world record for longest burp.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

According to figures released today, the animal kingdom has seen

an unprecedented rise in bullying in the workplace.

Here's Sparky with a special report.

You've got stupid hair!

Do you want a punch?

Give me all your dinner money, four eyes.

We all got bullied at school, but you don't expect it at work.

Welcome to Sparky Investigates... bullying in the workplace.

No-one deserves to be treated like this at work.

CAT MIAOWS

CRASH AND CLATTER

Or this...

This cat accountant

was regularly taunted at his desk by his supervisor.

CAT SQUEALS

An argument over a borrowed pen led to Tony the dog

and his tortoise boss, squaring up.

Hey, we all accept that things can get a little heated at work,

but what happened next was totally unacceptable.

DOG WHIMPERS

Let's look at it again. You just can't attack your staff like that!

This elderly cat chambermaid, Elsie,

was frequently humiliated by her junior co-worker.

CAT SCREECHES

Some horrific scenes of workplace bullying there

and this must bring back some very bad memories for you, Tim,

because for many years, Tim was very badly bullied by Philip Schofield.

No, that's not...

Don't blame yourself, Tim, it could happen to anyone.

But what can you do

when you find yourself on the wrong end of some workplace bullying?

The best option is to stand up for yourself.

This is Kevin. He's an office manager and a bully.

DOG BARKS

But watch what happened when one of his staff finally plucked up

the courage to stand up to him.

CAT SCREECHES

DOG WHIMPERS

Yeah, like most bullies, he turned out to be a complete

and utter coward. What a baby!

To combat this growing menace, the government has launched an initiative

called Lend A Paw, which encourages animals to help other animals,

citing these two tortoises as an example to all.

Or this charitable duck,

who regularly hands out food at a shelter for homeless fish.

Even humans are getting in on the act.

These ducks were struggling to cross the road, until a kind-hearted

onlooker got involved and gave them a step up.

Ducks are not the brightest, to be honest,

so it might take them a bit of time to catch on.

They've spotted it. Great stuff!

Keep up you at the back!

There's always one, isn't there?

And what about this have-a-go hero?

He was on his way to the post office,

when he spotted this baby bear stuck in a tree.

Taking matters into his own hands, he stepped in to save the day.

I'm not sure how safe that is.

Seriously, should he be doing that?

I'm really not comfortable with this. Oh, good, he's down.

Excellent stuff.

Let's just hope the example set by these kind-hearted creatures

will show workplace bullies the error of their ways.

But ultimately, I think the lesson we should all take from this is,

be nice to your colleagues, whoever they are.

-Thanks for that, Sparky.

-I haven't finished yet, Tim.

That was Sparky Investigates... bullying in the workplace.

We can cross live to Basingstoke to bring you more

on our breaking news story, the pug stuck down a toilet.

And I am hearing that the situation has deteriorated.

Apparently the owners of the dog have returned home

and they're both absolute bursting for the loo.

It's the only toilet in the building, so things could get messy.

Just go in the garden,

that's what I do, or the cupboard under the stairs or in his slippers.

Sparky, you don't, do you?

No, just in the garden and I always pop it in a little bag.

We've just got word that a rescue operation is about to be launched.

We'll bring you more on that story throughout the show.

Now it's time for the sports news.

Hi, sports fans. Welcome to the sports hub.

With the animal Olympics fast approaching, animals up and down

the country are training harder than they've ever trained before.

Let's look at what they've been up to.

MUSIC: "Theme from Rocky"

In an attempt to gain the upper hand on his rivals,

this diver is carrying out extra training at home.

Ahead of the Olympics, we pick out the top five stars to look out for

-at this year's Games.

-In at number five,

Wallid the camel sprinter from Egypt.

MUSIC: "Chariots Of Fire" by Vangelis

In at number four, Sergei the dog volleyball champion from Ukraine.

He really is an impressive athlete, Tim. Look at that technique.

I could watch this all day.

In at number three, Yoschev,

the record-breaking gymnast from Bulgaria.

Let's just take a moment and appreciate this guy in action, Tim.

We really are watching an athlete at the top of his game here.

All we need now is the dismount, but will he deliver?

Yes! There's your answer. That's definitely worth another look, Tim.

APPLAUSE

In at number two, Brendan Corgi, the dog diver from Great Britain.

He's emerged as a major medal hope after this series of perfect dives

at the UK Champs.

And in at the number one, Team GB's pig relay team,

who have been looking very strong in training.

Look at 'em go. I think we could be looking at future World Champions.

I really do. Those pigs are in great shape.

Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for the Americans.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And that's your sport.

Still to come, we'll delve into the life and times of

Montgomery Douglas Persian -

probably the most famous cat actor in the world today.

We'll also be taking a look at the top five horror movies of all time,

in today's Arts Review.

And I'll be bringing you all today's weather.

And now it's time for Life Story, where Tim takes us through the career

of one of our most famous animals.

Tonight, Hollywood celebrates one of the titans of animal acting.

Montgomery Douglas Persian,

a cat actor who has been performing on stage and screen and stage

for over five cat decades, will tonight be handed

a lifetime achievement award by the Cat Actors Guild.

Join me as I take a look at Montgomery's distinguished career.

Montgomery Douglas Persian

began his career as a young heart throb in Hollywood,

appearing in classics such as

Is It A Boat, Is It A Whale, No It's A Cat!

And Cat Castaway where he was stranded on an island

for three years with only a basket for company.

He was then asked to play Santa's helper in the modern classic,

A Purr-fect Christmas.

In what many regarded as his golden period,

he began to choose increasingly challenging roles,

requiring huge, physical transformations.

He would spend hours in make-up.

LAUGHTER

And became the first animal actor ever to play an entirely

different species in, The Fish...

LAUGHTER

..which was soon followed by the multi-award-winning,

My Life As A Frog.

RUBBER DUCK QUACKS

But, as his star rose,

so did his increasingly bizarre list of on-set demands.

He would insist on being driven everywhere by chauffeur...

..and having his on-set trailer painted in his favourite tartan,

where he would retire in between takes to spend time

with his loyal masseuse, Wendy.

Unfortunately, as his demands increased, so did his appetite.

As he piled on the pounds, the job offers started to dry up.

Retreating to his enormous mansion in the Hollywood Hills,

he became something of a recluse.

LAUGHTER

He would spend his days floating around in his pool.

LAUGHTER

Watching reruns of his old movies.

LAUGHTER

Or, just staring into space,

thinking about all the mistakes he had made.

He increasingly alienated himself from friends and family,

by accusing them of being scroungers.

At his 40th birthday party, nobody showed up.

PARTY BLOWER

His behaviour became more and more erratic.

His lowest ebb came when having binged on cheeseburgers for two weeks,

his maid found him in the grounds of his house unable to move.

LAUGHTER

From this moment, Montgomery knew things had to change.

He got back on the road to fitness and with the help of a team

of fitness experts, he managed to shed over 40lbs.

It was then he was offered the comeback role of a lifetime.

Playing the part of Dougie,

a cat in a wheelchair in the inspirational drama, My Left Paw.

The part won him a cat Oscar,

and cemented his place in the annals of film.

Now he lives happily in semi-retirement,

picking and choosing his roles from his home in the Hollywood Hills.

Montgomery Douglas Persian, a big, big cat with a big, big talent.

That was lovely, Tim.

I'm just amazed it's taken them this long to honour him.

He really is one of the greats.

Why on earth did he do Celebrity Big Brother?

Got no idea, Tim.

Bringing you all the news from the animal kingdom.

This is Animal Antics.

Time now for the Animal Arts Review.

Where Sparky and I take a look at the cultural highlights of the week.

But film news first, and following the Box Office success

of cat horror film, I Know What You Did In The Kitty Tray,

we take a look at the top five grossing animal horror movies of all time.

In at number five, hugely successful dog slasher classic, Psycho Mutt.

GROWLING

GROWLING AND BARKING

GROWLING

In at number four, the timeless classic, Dogzilla.

GROWLING

John Poodle, putting in an extraordinary central performance.

GROWLING

SNARLING

In at number three, the psychological horror,

Single White Feline

The whole, terrifying film, famously shot in one take.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

SCREAMING

In at number two, supernatural chiller, Scary Doggie 3.

Just when you thought the franchise was over,

it came back better than ever with this bone-chilling tale

of dog hell-bent on revenge.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

And at number one, without doubt, the scariest movie of all time,

the grotesque masterpiece, Hell Cat.

SCREAMING

DRAMATIC MUSIC

I can't look at it, I still can't look at it. Absolutely terrifying.

It took her six hours in the make-up chair to achieve that look.

Of course, in real life she's really rather beautiful.

For a cat!

Join us next week when we'll be asking,

why do squirrels make such good playwrights?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Back to our breaking news story.

Roger the pug is still wedged in the toilet bowl.

Now, it doesn't look like much has happened,

but we're getting lots of tweets and messages of support for Roger.

Here's one of your many e-mails:

"We are all praying for you, Rog."

That's from a great Dane in York.

And, "I really feel for Roger.

"I once got stuck in a jam jar."

That's from a wasp in High Wycombe.

And we've just heard that the Prime Minister has released a statement.

Remember, it's not the size of the dog in the fight,

it's the size of the fight in the dog.

APPLAUSE

Wise words there from the Prime Minister.

We'll keep you updated as the story progresses.

Our thoughts are with Roger and his family.

And now, the weather with Sparky.

Thanks, Tim.

It's going to be too hot to be in a car all over the South West.

So if you do find yourself on a long car journey,

you'll probably want to get a bit of this action going on.

Here we go...

it's coming...

Yes! There it is.

Jowl it up real good.

Let's take a look at that again.

Oh, yes! That is classic jowl action.

But, if you are lucky enough to see some sunshine,

always remember to wear sunscreen.

It's going to be very windy over in North Wales,

so some of you smaller folk might want to take extra care.

# I want to fly away

# Yeah, yeah, yeah... #

Yep, it's pretty blustery out there!

# I want to get away

# I want to fly away... #

Don't worry, they're all right.

But it's not just ducks at risk.

Even big, strong dogs struggle in these conditions.

# I want to get away

# I want to fly away. #

And up in Scotland, it will be turning a little wintry overnight.

So if you do get snowed in, maybe get out and try

and have some fun in it, like my friend Brian here.

Yep, all you dogs out there,

if you can't get hold of your own sledge just use your owner!

MUSIC: Jingle Bells

Ha, ha, ah yes!

That really is a joy to see.

And that's the weather.

Excellent job, Sparky.

Oh, great news just in.

-I can confirm that Roger the pug is out of the toilet.

-Yes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-This really is great news.

-What a great way to end the show.

Apparently, rescue teams managed to get him out just a few minutes ago.

No, hold on...

Sorry, no, he's back in.

Oh, that really is a shame.

Apparently, when he got out he was just so thirsty,

he went straight back in again.

-Shame.

-Shame.

Yes.

And finally, it's not just animals making the headlines tonight.

Because sometimes you humans do the funniest things.

Just take a look at this.

Now, everyone loves a bit of a boogie at a wedding,

but this guy is something else.

The classic headstand splits, followed by a running thing.

I can't contain it any more.

Yep, definitely a bit of a show off and no-one likes a show off.

I predict this is going to end in tears.

SCREAMING

Yep, there you go. He's in the pond.

LAUGHTER

That'll teach him. Absolutely brilliant.

Anyway, that's all we've got time for on tonight's Animal Antics.

-Goodnight.

-Goodnight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Good show.

-Great show.

-How about a quick walk in the park then back home for a pizza?

-Great.

-What toppings do you want on the pizza?

-Erm...dog food?

Oh!

If you have clips of animals doing something newsworthy,

or just something utterly ridiculous, please go to...

..to find out how to send them in.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd