Episode 2 Animal Antics

Broadcasting from the world famous BBC Television Centre

with your hosts Tim Brooke-Taylor and Sparky The Dog,

bringing you the news as you have never seen it before.

This is Animal Antics.

You are watching Animal Antics,

the show that brings you all the latest news from the animal kingdom.

I'm Tim Brooke-Taylor

and here to offer his expert opinion is my dog, Sparky.

-Good evening.

-Here are the headlines.

Unexpected winner at World Jet Ski Championships.

# Yeah, darlin' Gonna make it happen

# Take the world in a love embrace. #

Gentle Ben remake set to contain more action.

Minnie The Cat takes the no farting in the house rule a step too far.

But first, tonight's main story.

According to official government figures,

animal unemployment has hit an all time high.

According to the report, cats have been hardest hit,

with record numbers applying for benefits.

This is Colin.

He used to be a bus driver, but at the age of seven,

he is concerned he is too old to find another job.

This is Steve. He has a degree in graphic design.

This year, he applied for 80 jobs

and hasn't been called in for one interview.

Sparky, in your expert opinion,

what's it like for these animals on the dole?

I'm going to be honest, I don't have a lot of sympathy for these cats.

I think it is in their culture.

They're out all night, up to goodness knows what,

then they lie around all day cat napping.

But it's not just cats who are struggling, Sparky.

This is affecting all species.

You won't see a dog sitting on his backside sponging off the state.

I think the following images may shock you, Sparky.

This is Ken, he used to be a Geography teacher.

His owner says since losing his job, he has become a different dog.

He doesn't like leaving the house, refuses to chase sticks

and spends most of his days watching repeats of Cash In The Attic.

This is the state we are in, isn't it, Tim?

It's a sad day when a hard-working, former deputy head like Ken

isn't allowed in front of his classroom.

Well, it's not all bad news, Sparky.

The government says it is doing all it can to get

animals back into employment.

These out-of-work dogs were given a grant to attend a computer course.

They have just learned how to print out their CV.

Others are just learning to lower their expectations.

This is Nigel. He used to be a top advertising executive,

but is now working as a cleaner and home help.

# Working nine to five

# What a way to make a living

# Barely getting by

# It's all taking and no giving

# They just use your minds

# And they never give you credit It's enough to drive you... #

For an extra £10, he'll even mow your lawn.

Graham used to be an occupational therapist,

but now works as a French polisher.

And this is Wendy.

She used to be an IT support worker,

now she washes dishes at a local cafe.

Liam Beagle here, used to be a chiropodist

but he now works as an unlicensed mini cab driver in Rochdale.

HORN BEEPS

With eight mouths to feed,

this cat has been forced to work in a massage parlour.

Well, Tim, let's just hope that that story has a happy ending.

-Do you use massage parlours, Tim?

-No.

-Good, neither do I.

But for some animals, a change of job isn't necessarily a bad news story.

When Lionel Crossbreed was made redundant from his high-powered

city job, he used the opportunity to follow his dream and become

a children's entertainer.

And he's booked up every weekend this year.

BABY LAUGHS

Some people are easily pleased, aren't they?

HE LAUGHS

More, more!

Still to come, monkey tourists are causing havoc at a previously

idyllic holiday destination.

I've got a special report coming up.

With the Animal World Cup just around the corner,

we look at the players to watch out for at this year's tournament.

And we'll be bringing you a round up of all today's other top stories.

Back to today's main story and the animal unemployment crisis.

We have just heard that a few moments ago a group of animals began

marching on Downing Street to protest against job cuts.

These geese, all qualified nurses, are protesting against

compulsory redundancies in the poultry health service.

We can now go to the protest live as the protesting birds

make their way through St James's Park towards Parliament.

Yep, as I suspected, Tim, thing are beginning to get out of control.

Nobody likes a bird with an attitude problem.

Let's hope this doesn't turn into a mindless bloodbath.

But if it does,

our cameras will be right there so you won't miss any of it.

Domestic news now.

And a new report says education standards for cats have reached

an all-time low.

They didn't need to do a report to let you know cats are stupid.

Stupid, stupid animals.

More than 200 teenage cats were recorded over a six-month period.

Some viewers may find the following scenes really stupid.

# I was born this way

# Don't hide yourself in regret Just love yourself and you're set

# I'm on the right track, baby I was born this way, yeah

# Ooh, there ain't no other way

# Baby, I was born this way

# Baby, I was born this way Born this way

# Ooh, there ain't no other way Baby, I was born this way

# I'm on the right track, baby I was born this way

# Ooh, there ain't no other way Baby, I was born this way

# Baby I was born this way Born this way

# Ooh, there ain't no other way Baby, I was born this way

# Right track, baby I was born this way

# I was born this way

# I was born this way

# I'm on the right track, baby I was born this way

# I was born this way

# Hey, I was born this way

# I'm on the right track, baby I was born this way. #

-Stupid cats!

-Let's take a look at what else is making the news today.

World's most stubborn rabbit discovered in Argentina.

Lion gets a check-up from world's youngest dentist.

LION ROARS

LION ROARS

Controversial choice of wine at Heston Blumenthal's new restaurant.

Cat causes a stir at Ascot with outrageous new hat.

The Return Of The Jedi remake to feature all new cast.

And new Wimbledon ball boy scheme goes horribly wrong.

Crikey, that is stubborn!

A bit like you when you want your own way, Tim.

Monkey tourists are turning a previously idyllic Greek

holiday isle into a boozy hell.

Here's a special report from Sparky.

The island of Paxos used to be a haven of tranquillity

for its locals and a few elderly tourists,

but then cut-price airline Monkey Jet started

scheduling flights there.

The beaches are now awash with thousands of sun worshiping apes,

attracted by cheap flights and cheap booze.

They've got two weeks off work but only want to do one thing -

party.

After a hard day boozing in the sun, most of these thrill-seeking

apes have consumed so much alcohol they can barely stand up.

And things soon go from bad to worse.

# We like to party We like...we like to party. #

This boozed-up chimp ordered a round of beers for the lads

and then ran off with the barman's cigarette!

Smoking is bad, but stealing is worse.

This sozzled simian is trying to steal a sandwich from a fellow

holidaymaker's handbag.

No, no.

Meanwhile, this hooligan has stolen a bottle of water

from an elderly Dutch tourist.

Only to taunt the poor woman by pouring most of it away

right in front of her face.

It's 38 degrees, that's bang out of order!

Disgusting!

Across town, locals watched in horror as drunk monkeys

attacked a completely innocent bystander.

She just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Listen to her, she is absolutely terrified.

Fortunately, the unsavoury incident came to an end

when the chief troublemaker was dragged away by his best mate.

This young lout started a fight with a local kitten.

Unfortunately for him, the kitten turned out to be a local hard nut

and he got on the wrong end of a right good hiding.

After a night out at a local club, this group of thugs decided

to watch the sun come up while sitting on the roof of a car.

When the owner showed up, they refused to move.

He tried talking to them,

but you try reasoning with a monkey who's had 14 pints of cider.

When we caught up with one of the troublemakers and asked him

for an interview, this happened...

SCREECHING

Whoa! Whoa, whoa! Hey, hey, wait!

Fortunately, the local police have stepped up their efforts

to crack down this antisocial behaviour.

Steve and Graham from Middlesbrough are facing a lengthy

spell behind bars for stealing a jet ski.

Badly hung over, they are desperate to phone home.

But at the end of the day,

I'm afraid these monkeys have only got themselves to blame.

Hard-hitting stuff there, Sparky.

Are you going on holiday this year?

Yes, I'll be renting a kennel in Tuscany. What about you?

-The usual, six weeks in Vegas.

-Lovely.

Coming up next...

Time to go back to the animal unemployment march,

where I believe numbers are swelling.

A large number of ducks apparently belonging to the Tube Driver's Union,

have now joined the march

and are believed to be heading towards a rally at Hyde Park.

And we're just receiving the following sensational pictures.

Apparently, a few months ago,

one particularly angry goose broke away from the march

to take out his frustrations on a senior government official.

As you can see, the official fights back.

Yeah, rather aggressively for a man in his position, if you ask me, Tim.

John Prescott, eat your heart out.

But the goose is in no mood to back down.

We've lots of tweets and e-mails about this.

"What are this lot complaining about? I'm an estate agent -

"there's plenty of jobs going in my line of work."

That's from a bloodsucking leech in Surrey.

And, "The job market is so depressing,

"if I don't get a job soon, I don't know what I'll do."

That is from a lemming in Beachy Head.

Please keep your tweets coming in, we'll keep you informed with

any further developments as and when they happen.

Hi, sports fans. Welcome to the Sports Hub.

-This summer it's the Animal World Cup.

-Yes!

So, to get you as excited as we are,

we've put together a preview of some of the top players to look out for

-during this year's tournament.

-Yes!

First up, we've got German centre forward Hans Vizsla.

Great in the air, clinical finisher

and, like all Germans,

lethal from the penalty spot.

England players, take note.

Another player to keep an eye on is Spanish goal poacher Juan Goldfish.

My tip to be the leading scorer at this year's tournament, Tim.

Another player who favours his head and a real nice

guy off the pitch, as well.

The next player to keep an eye on

at this year's tournament is

English midfield dynamo Scott Terrier.

Great dribbling skills and close ball control.

And he never gives the ball away.

My type of player, Tim.

What an engine he's got on him!

He could run all day.

And good with all four feet, which is rare.

Next up, we've got Dutch centre back

Dennis Van Carthorse.

Big lad at the back, a real commanding presence.

I think he should maybe leave the flicks and tricks

to the flair players on the team.

He does have a bit of a temper problem, though.

He was sent off last week for nibbling the referee.

It is the ugly side of the game, Tim, and I don't like it.

And now we have Neil Whippet,

one of England's brightest hopes in attack.

Absolutely useless with his feet,

but so long as the ball is in the air, he is one of the best around.

He also holds the world record for head keepy-uppies.

The record is currently set at 16.

Well, he's on 12.

13. He's going to do it! He's... fif... Oh!

He has fluffed it on 15! Unbelievable!

Now we can bring you a round up of all of today's

action from the European Pig Athletics Championships.

Sprinter Dwayne Pig got team GB off to a great start,

taking gold in the 100 metre dash.

The British winning streak continued in the 3,000 metre

steeple chase thanks to a characteristically gutsy performance

from Sebastian Pig.

Sebastian led from the first bend.

Despite some hesitation over the second hurdle,

he came through the water hazard well.

And went on to win the race in record time.

It takes his tally to four gold medals this season.

Other sports news now.

It's been a fantastic year for British animal boxing,

with many of our fighters battling for world titles.

Let's take a look at some of the best animal fights of the year.

BELL RINGS

# It's the eye of the Tiger

# It's the thrill of the fight

# Risin' up to the challenge of our rival

# And the last known survivor

# Stalks his prey in the night

# And his fortune must always be

# Eye of the Tiger! #

BELL RINGS

-You can't beat a bit of sanctioned violence.

-And that's your sport.

Still to come, we take an in-depth look at the life

and times of hip-hop DJ Trevor Bulldog.

That's coming right up.

We've got all the latest ahead of tonight's

Animals Have Got Talent live finals.

I'll be bringing you more on the heat wave that's sweeping

the nation in today's weather.

Hip-hop DJ Trevor Bulldog was made an OBE today for his work with

inner-city charities.

To celebrate his achievements, we take a look back

at his long and chequered career.

We know him as the glamorous DJ who sells out clubs across the globe.

But Trevor Bulldog first discovered music whilst

working in a record store in Swindon.

You got anything by Snoop Doggy Dogg?

He soon began DJ-ing in his bedroom.

Before long, he had his own club

night in the bright lights of Glasgow.

Although he soon became bored with the West Country club scene

and decided to move to Ibiza.

He loved the party vibe of the island

and thought it was a place where he could really express himself.

Hi!

Unfortunately, the dream soon turned into a nightmare.

One evening on his way to his regular club night,

he was shot at by a rival DJ,

who was apparently jealous of his enormous success.

Trevor took the drive-by shooting very, very badly.

Inevitably, his DJ-ing suffered, he got depressed.

He then developed an unhealthy ice cream addiction.

He reached his lowest ebb when he had to be propped up by Peep Tom

during the headline set at the Big Chill.

What Trevor didn't know was that standing in the crowd that night

was his future wife, Annika.

# You put my feet back on the ground. #

The beautiful model whom he credits with turning his life around.

Within weeks, the model had moved in with him.

He swiftly gave up ice cream and discovered yoga.

It wasn't long before he was back to his best

and playing to sell-out crowds across the world, like here, in Miami,

alongside big dog Tim Westwood.

DJ Trevor Bulldog, we salute you.

What a fantastic story.

Yes, for me, he is probably the greatest DJ of all time.

Who's your favourite DJ, Tim?

Terry Wogan.

Tonight sees the launch of the live finals of Animals Have Got Talent.

Can I just say, what an absolutely superb programme it is.

-I suppose.

-I mean, it's proper old-fashioned entertainment.

We love it, don't we, Sparky?

-It's all right.

-No, really, it's fantastic stuff.

And here on Animal Antics,

we got hold of some exclusive footage from the auditions.

# Oh!

# Oh!

# And it goes like this

# Take me by the tongue and I'll know you

# Kiss me till you're drunk and I'll show you

# All the moves like Jagger I got the moves like Jagger

# I've got the moves...like Jagger

# I don't need to try to control you

# Look into my eyes and I'll own you

# With them moves like Jagger I've got the moves like Jagger

# I've got the moves...like Jagger. #

Wonderful. There is so much talent out there, isn't there, Sparky?

I suppose, if you like that sort of thing. It's pretty amateurish.

If they had proper training, they might've seen something like this.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

APPLAUSE

Oh, wonderful stuff, Sparky. Let's look at some of the other acts

in this serious competition.

This year saw a record number of dog balancing acts.

# ..moment of truth

# Out on the edge of glory

# And I'm hanging on a moment with you. #

But Marco here was by far the strongest.

# The edge, the edge, the edge... #

There was a doggy rodeo.

# The edge, the edge Out on the edge! #

A cat rock band.

DISCORDANT MUSIC

The cat daredevil group, Whack-A-Kitty.

Please don't try this at home as they are all highly trained stunt cats.

One animal who definitely had talent was this acrobatic

parrot from Aldershot.

But it was this break dancing gorilla from Scunthorpe that everyone

was talking about.

SONG: "Pa Panamericano"

Another act making the headlines was this singer-songwriter from Swansea.

Oh, now, hang on a second, this is Ian,

and I have to say he is fantastic!

Voice of an Angel!

HOWLING

That is beautiful.

As I say, it really is a great show.

And that's your entertainment news.

-And now the weather with Sparky.

-Thanks, Tim.

Phew! We are in the middle of a heat wave.

Record temperatures across the UK.

So if you have got aircon, make the most of it,

like my mate Clinton here.

You may want to head down to the beach, catch a few rays.

It is great weather for swimming,

but if you do decide to go for a dip, always think safety first.

Like Shirley here.

You need to take every opportunity to cool yourself down,

just like this parrot.

He is treating himself to a birdbath, and why not?

This sort of hot spell doesn't come along every day.

Or why not just get in amongst it with the sprinklers?

Just let your hair down and run around like you're a pup again.

Yeah, get a gob full of that, my friend.

Make the most of it before that hose-pipe ban kicks in.

Shake it off, brother. Who needs a towel?

And if you're finding it all a bit of a drag, remember,

a heat wave is just a great excuse to eat lots of ice cream.

# Ice ice baby

# Vanilla Ice

# Ice baby

# Vanilla Ice

# Ice baby

# Vanilla Ice

# Ice baby... #

And if ice lollies aren't your thing,

you can just go around looking pretty cool, like Leon here.

HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS

Although, on a personal note, Tim, I'd really appreciate it

if you didn't spend the weekend lying around the garden

wearing only your Speedos.

-They are ordinary swimming shorts.

-They are budgie smugglers, Tim.

The old lady next door nearly had a heart attack.

And that's your weather.

We have just got time to go back to the animal unemployment protest.

We're hearing that the police have managed to regain

control of the streets and are sending all the troublemakers home.

As you can see, the ducks being escorted away there

with their tail feathers well and truly between their legs.

And may I just say,

a big well done to the authorities for their handling of the situation.

There is nothing worse than a duck with a chip on his shoulder.

-Looks like their goose is cooked.

-Very good.

I tell you what, Tim, I wouldn't be surprised

if some of them do some serious bird.

Yes, because some of their behaviour was absolutely fowl.

-That's enough now, Tim.

-OK.

Finally, we have seen some outrageous animals tonight,

but sometimes you humans do the funniest things.

Just take a look at this.

So, we've got a woman on a trampoline and a toy slide.

What could possibly go wrong?

There's your answer.

Let's take a look at that again.

Ouch.

You humans are weird.

That's all we've got time for on tonight's Animal Antics.

-Good night.

-Good night.

-What a great show.

-Fantastic show.

Shall I walk you home or would you like a run in the park?

Nah, I'd rather get a taxi.

If you have clips of animals doing something newsworthy or just

something utterly ridiculous, please go to...

..to find out how to send them in.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd