Episode 3 Animal Antics

Broadcasting from the world famous BBC Television Centre,

with your hosts, Tim Brooke-Taylor and Sparky the dog,

bringing you the news as you've never seen it before.

This is Animal Antics.

You're watching Animal Antics,

the show that brings you

all the latest news from the animal kingdom.

I'm Tim Brooke-Taylor, and here to offer his expert opinion

-is my dog, Sparky.

-Good evening.

Here are the headlines.

Penguin angry at council worker for not collecting his bins.

Relief as baby-eating dog is foiled by tall bed.

Cat's spa break ends in disaster.

And more on that story later in the programme.

But first, our main story.

England's dog football team is in disgrace tonight

after their players went on a booze-fuelled rampage.

The players were celebrating their first victory at the Dog World Cup.

Following their narrow 1-0 win over the USA,

the squad had been given permission to go out and let off some steam

at a local bar.

Instead of heading to bed for a good night's sleep,

some players decided to carry on the party at the team hotel.

Central defender Garry Labrador

is believed to have consumed four Jagerbombs.

His team-mate, Stuart Bulldog, drank so many flaming sambucas

he lost the ability to stand up.

It was at this point that some players decided

to break their curfew and head back out on the town.

Vice captain Steve Beagle

was spotted clambering up on a restaurant table

before serenading bemused bystanders with a Whitney Houston ballad.

# And I-I-I-I-I

# Will always love you

# I will always love you... #

To make matters worse, team captain Lee Staffie

was seen stumbling back to the hotel at 5am

after being repeatedly refused entry to a number of lap dancing clubs.

How does this make you feel, Sparky?

To be honest with you, Tim, as a dog, I'm disappointed.

They only beat the USA.

Goodness knows what will happen if they beat Brazil.

It is rather disappointing, Sparky, particularly as it comes

only a month after the England cat cricket team's disgraceful tour

of South Africa.

It reminds me of one of your barbecues.

The last one did get a bit lively!

-Never should've put Bill Turnbull in charge of spirits.

-Oh, no.

-And what was Trevor McDonald doing with that hoover?

-Coming up:

We take a look at some of the most exciting animal artists around

in today's arts review.

I bring you a special report

on anger management within the animal kingdom.

And we bring you our top five animal movies to watch out for

in today's entertainment report.

Now I believe we can go live to one of the most eagerly anticipated

events in the sporting calendar, the World Rat Staring Contest.

And the first round is underway.

Sugar-Ray Brown Rat taking his customary position on the left

and Louis 'The Eyeballs' Black Rat taking his stance on the right.

Both competitors giving very little away.

Yes, it looks like we're in for a long night's staring.

Let's look at some stats.

Louis by far the most experienced competitor.

45 contests, no defeats.

45 stare-outs, never been taken the distance.

Sugar-Ray, the young contender, only 15 professional contests

but what he lacks in experience he makes up for in staring power.

One defeat, which he maintains was down to a contact lens infection.

Let's get back to the action.

Still very cagey, so much at stake.

Let's hope the occasion hasn't got to them.

Oh!

Oh, that was a sensational fake from Sugar-Ray with his left paw!

But Louis is not fazed, showing all his experience.

This is rat staring of the highest quality.

Rest assured, we'll bring you all the best action from this contest

as it happens.

Technology news now and, according to a national study,

cats make truly terrible IT workers.

As the footage shows here, most cats go into meltdown

when required to do the simplest of IT related tasks.

What on earth is he trying to do here, Tim?

Punching it's not going to help! He's probably charging £50 an hour.

Unfortunately, Sparky, there are many more cowboy cats out there

masquerading as computer experts. Take a look at this.

What a clown!

Try turning it off, mate.

This character has been trying to fix this colour printer

for six and a half hours.

Absolutely clueless.

This cat was called out to fix a Blu-ray DVD player.

It took him half an hour to figure out how to open it.

Yeah, there you go.

And these pictures sent a shiver down my spine, Tim.

If there's one thing I've learnt in life,

it's never let a cat rewire your house.

That's an accident waiting to happen.

Told you.

It's certainly true that cats have a history of being confused

by technology.

This cat here was so confused it began praying to its fridge.

Backwards doesn't even cover it, Tim.

How they can be the second most popular pet in the country

is completely beyond me.

In other news, elephant regrets dropping car keys in Jacuzzi.

New chinchilla hat range takes fashion world by storm.

Zebra car park attendant regrets drinking two litre bottle of pop.

LOUD BURP

Cat crowned world pat-a-cake champion.

Largest member of chick family suspects he may have been adopted.

And hamster has close escape following spring cleaning accident.

Time now for the animal arts review

where Sparky and I take a look at the cultural highlights of the week.

A painting by animal artist Tracey Chestnut Horse

sold for a record amount today at an auction in Whipsnade.

Tracey's work can best be described as abstract

and she sights her main inspirations as Picasso, Cezanne and Rolf Harris.

Tracey is also a sculptor and won the Turner Prize last year

for her series of controversial art installations,

including "Blue Ball in Field"

and "Traffic Cones".

Tracey is part of an exciting group of animal artists

coming out of Brighton

that include monkey impressionist painter, George Champ'anzee.

George gained a reputation as being the finest painter of sunsets

-in a generation.

-Looks more like a bloodbath to me!

Last year he was asked if he would ever consider painting a human.

He took that request rather too literally.

That is classic Champ'anzee.

Let's take a look at some other modern animal artists.

How would you describe this guy? What is he, a surrealist?

No, he's just not very good.

What's your favourite kind of painting, Sparky?

I'm a big fan of "Dogs Playing Pool",

whereas you, Tim, you favour nudes.

Yes, it's true. I admire a tasteful representation

of the human form, Sparky.

I still think the big one of you in the living room should come down.

That's it for this week's animal arts review.

Next week we'll ask, why has a ferret never won the Booker Prize?

Bringing you all the news from the animal kingdom,

this is Animal Antics.

Today is the final of the World Rat Staring Contest.

We're bringing you live updates throughout the show.

Before we rejoin the action,

here's Sparky with a round-up of what we've missed.

Well, the way I'm scoring it,

Sugar-Ray took the second round in the corridor.

The third round was action packed but too close to call.

And we join them in the fourth round,

where things are getting extremely lively.

This is nose-to-nose stuff. There's some bearing of the teeth.

And this is the first time we've seen signs of fatigue,

which is not surprising as this is a gruelling encounter.

Just look at these two titans of the game,

neither one prepared to give an inch.

It really is a thrilling contest.

We'll bring you more action as it happens.

This week sees the finals of the Young Cat Musician of the Year

and although pianists make up the majority of the finalists,

there's a huge range of musical styles on display.

There's electropop.

This is right up my street, Sparky.

-It's original, it's funky...

-It's a load of rubbish, Tim.

Honestly, have you lost the plot?

Just listen to the sustain on that. Wonderful!

Are we listening to the same thing here, Tim?

Ah, something a bit more classical.

This cat actually wrote the EastEnders theme, Sparky.

It really is groundbreaking stuff.

Tim, have you got your hearing aid in?

He's literally just playing the same note over and over again there.

And again! He's just hitting the same key.

Ah, the favourite to win Young Cat Musician of the Year.

Wonderful tone he's getting from the guitar, Sparky.

He reminds me of the late, great Jimi Hendrix

playing the guitar with his teeth.

He's not playing the guitar, he's flossing!

Wake up and smell the cat food, Tim. That is not music.

What a talented bunch. Jools Holland better look out, Sparky.

Not really, Tim. It sounded like a load of old noise,

unlike this dog pianist, Neil Shann, who is a proper musician.

You see, Tim? This is real talent.

And piano's not even his first instrument.

He's originally a saxophonist.

That's nice. He's given his wife a little kiss.

Film news now, and tonight sees the release of what some critics

are calling the scariest cat horror film of all time.

Oh, yeah? I bet that's really scary(!)

"Oh, no, the big, scary cat's coming to get me."

-Complete waste of time.

-Well, we've got an exclusive clip.

"I Know What You Did In The Kitty Tray, released Friday."

I reckon it looks pretty scary, Sparky.

Why don't we catch a showing tonight?

Sparky?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It promises to be an exciting year for animal movies.

Here's our top five films to look out for.

In at number five, we've got the latest instalment

of the Mission Impossible franchise,

Mission: Impossible Fur: Cat On A Wire.

SONG: Theme From Mission: Impossible

LAUGHTER

CHEERING

At number four, it's the unexpected sci-fi sequel, ET 2,

where the homesick alien returns...as a cat.

MUSIC: "Flying Theme" by John Williams

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

In at number three, the tear-jerking drama,

When A Dog Loves A Drink,

about an alcoholic dog coming to terms with his addiction

after taking a good look at himself in the mirror.

LAUGHTER

MUSIC: "Someone Like You" by Adele

In a number two, and just missing out on the top spot,

it's high-octane action movie Pando 2,

where a lone panda takes on the entire Taliban.

LAUGHTER

SONG: Theme from The A-Team

LAUGHTER

And at number one, Richard Curtis's first foray into animal film-making,

the life-affirming romantic comedy about the true love

that exists between cats and dogs, Animal Love Actually.

# I may not always love you

# But long as there are stars above you

# You never need to doubt it

# I'll make you so sure about it

# God only knows what I'd be without you... #

APPLAUSE

According to new research,

more animals are in need of anger management in the UK

than ever before.

Here's Sparky with a special report.

Sometimes, we all lose our temper. Right, Tim?

-Well, actually...

-But out, Tim, this is a Sparky Special!

But apparently, we're all getting angrier.

At least, that's what a top cat psychologist thinks.

Wendy Cheshire, head of Anger Studies at the University of Catford,

believes this is down to a number of factors,

ranging from our poor weather to the current economic crisis.

But here on Sparky Investigates, we wanted to find out

exactly what's getting the animal kingdom so wound up.

This penguin is absolutely furious

because this man has done a lousy job tarmacking his drive.

LAUGHTER

But it's not just penguins who are angry.

This cat is livid with his flatmate for not flushing the toilet.

Watch what happens when a hand of friendship is offered...

LAUGHTER

He's having none of it.

MAN SHOUTS

This elephant's enraged,

because this motorist knocked him off his scooter.

This cat is furious

because the postman has been late every day this week.

Even celebrities aren't immune to this anger epidemic.

See how TV presenter Alan Pig reacts to being hassled

by an overzealous member of the paparazzi.

LAUGHTER

But what are we meant to do with all this anger?

Well, this lovebird believes he's found the answer.

After a hard day at the office,

he simply vents all his pent-up fury on his children's toys.

HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYS

BELL RINGS

But that might not work for all of you.

So, if you ARE feeling a bit stressed out,

maybe you can try some yoga, like these chilled-out creatures.

# Relax, don't do it

# When you want to go to it

# Relax, don't do it

# When you want to come

# Relax, don't do it

# When you want to sock it to it

# Relax, don't do it

# When you want to come... #

I, myself, am a big fan of yoga.

For any of you interested, this is called the lotus position.

And...relax.

PFFT!

-Sparky!

-It was the mat, Tim.

That was Sparky Investigates: Anger Management.

Stay calm, Britain.

Still to come, we take a look at the life and times

of the true sporting legend, Sir Brian Whitegoat,

probably the most famous goat on the planet...

..we've got all the latest from the World Rat Staring Contest...

..and we've got a round-up of all today's top sports stories,

including all the latest from the Cat Kung Fu Championships.

APPLAUSE

Today, Sir Brian Whitegoat, explorer and night of the realm,

finally succeeded in his audacious bid to cycle around the world.

Here's Tim with his incredible story.

MUSIC: "Surfin' USA" by The Beach Boys

Despite growing up a marquis and living in rural Wiltshire,

Brian Whitegoat went on to win the World Surfing Championship.

However, the sport came so easily to him,

that it wasn't long before he required a bigger challenge.

Desperate to make his mark in the history books,

he decided to become the first goat to paddle-surf across the Atlantic.

MUSIC: "I Get Around" by The Beach Boys

Despite spending 120 days at sea,

accompanied only by his butler, Jenkins,

the bid unfortunately failed

when they both fell off only ten yards from the American coastline.

But Sir Brian was undeterred,

and immediately started training for his next record-breaking attempt.

He wanted to become the first goat to circumnavigate the world on a bike.

And only four years later,

once again accompanied by his loyal butler, Jenkins,

he was successful.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I tell you what, that's one heck of a tough goat!

I don't know about that.

It seems like Jenkins was doing most of the work.

I have to interrupt you there, Sparky.

I'm hearing sensational news that Sir Brian's round-the-world cycle record has already been beaten.

I think we're going to bring you live pictures.

Yes, apparently the legendary biker Austin Bulldog

has just smashed Sir Brian's record,

knocking three days, 14 hours off his time.

It seems a bit unfair, considering he's on a motorbike.

Well, it's just common sense, if you think about it.

Looks like it's going to be very hard news for the goat to take.

I guess it's back to the drawing board for Sir Brian.

It's Jenkins I feel sorry for.

APPLAUSE

Hi, sports fans! Welcome to the sports hub.

Here are the sporting headlines.

John Doberman wins another stage of the World Rally Championships.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

Eddie Jackdaw wins World Crowboarding Championship.

MUSIC: BBC Ski Sunday Theme

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Huge flaw in dog trampoliner's plan to train in private.

LAUGHTER

MUSIC: "Jump" by Girls Aloud

APPLAUSE

First, let's take a look at some of the highlights

from today's International Cat Kung Fu Championships in Osaka.

# Everybody was kung fu fighting

# Those kicks were fast as lightning

# In fact, it was a little bit frightening

# But they fought with expert timing

# There were funky Chinamen

# From funky Chinatown

# From a fainting to a slip

# And a kickin' from the hip

# Everybody was kung fu fighting

# Those kicks were fast as lightning

# In fact, it was a little bit frightening... #

APPLAUSE

I wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of some of them!

Well, they don't scare me, Tim. I've got a black belt.

-For karate?

-No. For my trousers!

-THEY LAUGH

That's exactly the kind of spontaneous banter

you get in the sports section.

More now from the World Rat Staring Contest.

We're just hearing that one of the competitors

has been given a judge's warning.

Yes, this happened just a few moments ago.

Louis "The Eyeballs" Black was given a warning by the judges

for excessive trash talking.

He could clearly be heard ringside telling Sugar-Ray Brown

that his breath stinks of cheese, and repeatedly asking

if he'd ever heard of a thing called a toothbrush.

However, credit to the two competitors, once the warning was given,

both rats got straight back into the contest.

-Plenty of tweets and e-mails coming in about this, Sparky.

-Yes, Tim.

"I'm going to stick my neck out and say Sugar-Ray to win,"

that's from a giraffe in Barnsley.

"I remember when staring was banned

"and the whole thing was driven underground,"

that's from a mole in Henley, and, "Staring might seem like fun,

"but don't try it with car headlights,"

that's from a rabbit in St Thomas's Hospital.

Rat staring, as always, stirring up lots of emotion there, Sparky.

And stay tuned, as we'll be bringing you more from the contest

as it enters the final rounds.

Health and beauty news now.

Britain's first luxury spa for cats

has opened up in the Oxfordshire countryside.

Cats can enjoy a range of treatments, including massage...

..power shower...

..a gentle towelling...

..or a soothing blow-dry.

However, not all customers are happy with the service provided.

The spa has received a number of complaints

regarding the lack of privacy in the shower room...

LAUGHTER

..and guests have reported that many of the basic amenities are faulty.

More now on the story we brought you earlier in the show.

A number of the spa's customers have got in touch to say,

"Please be careful around the treatment areas,

"because some of the surfaces can be extremely slippy."

LAUGHTER

Let's take a look at it again.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Time now for this week's fashion news.

And this season, there is nothing more on-trend than goggles.

MUSIC: "Wow" by Kylie Minogue

The Canadian military look is also very hot right now.

Ah, classic polka dots! Also known as the ladybird look.

It'll make you want to fly.

The fairytale princess, every young dog's dream...

..and just great when you're in the mood for a bit of a boogie.

# Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow!

# Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow!

# Wow! #

APPLAUSE

Just enough time to go back to the World Rat Staring Contest,

where we're hearing the match is over

and the referee is ready to declare a winner.

That's right, Tim. Referee Jim Sandyrat has entered the ring.

Hugely experienced official and well-respected within the sport,

and he's just examining the competitors for any injuries

before he announces the result.

BELL RINGS

And there it is, Sugar-Ray takes it!

CHEERING

Louis suffers his first defeat,

and that concludes a brilliant night's staring.

Well, I think we can all agree it was the right result,

and a fantastic end to the show.

And finally, we've seen some priceless pets tonight,

but sometimes it's you humans who do the funniest things.

Take a look at this.

# Oh, I can't help... #

Got a set of lungs on her...

LAUGHTER

# No, I can't help... #

She's getting up on the table. This should be good.

Solid oak, that.

# Me and you

# Are through... #

Yeah, you go, girlfriend!

# Can't be

# Together

# Never... #

And she's down! Nobody wants to see that.

Let's take another look.

GASPING AND LAUGHTER

Don't worry, people, she's all right.

But all the same, please don't try anything like this at home.

SPARKY LAUGHS

Absolutely brilliant.

Well, that's all we've got time for on tonight's Animal Antics.

-Good night.

-Good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Good show.

-Great show.

Tim, I was wondering if I could have the house to myself tonight?

-Why?

-I think that spaniel who lives over the road is...on heat.

Sparky!

If you have clips of animals doing something newsworthy,

or just something utterly ridiculous, please go to...

..to find out how to send them in.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd