Episode 4 Animal Antics

Broadcasting from the world-famous BBC Television Centre,

with your hosts Tim Brooke-Taylor and Sparky the dog.

Bringing you the news as you've never seen it before.

-This is Animal Antics.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You're watching Animal Antics,

the show that brings you all the latest news from the animal kingdom.

I'm Tim Brooke-Taylor

and here to offer his expert animal opinion is my dog, Sparky.

Good evening.

Here are the headlines.

Dog regrets snacking on helium balloon.

Greedy cat swallows police siren.

Rrr-OW-ww, rrr-OW-ww...

Rrr-OW-ww, rrr-OW-ww...

Cat rave ruined by power cut.

THUMPING MUSIC

MUSIC STOPS

But first our main story tonight.

Record numbers of animals have been calling off sick from work

due to an outbreak of cat flu.

The virus begins in cats with a few sniffles.

However it soon leads to prolonged bouts of uncontrollable sneezing.

Other symptoms include hiccups and flatulence.

Hic!

Unfortunately, it's not just cats that have been affected,

as the symptoms seem to spreading to other animals.

-BEAR SNEEZES

-These include bears...

-WOMAN:

-Is he all right?

-Sheep.

-WOMAN:

-Oh, dear.

-Say bless you!

-Bless you.

And dogs.

Doctors are advising all animals to stock up on tissues.

-RAT SQUEAKS

-This rat is absolutely full of a cold.

This kitten had such a runny nose

that his mum made him sit in a tissue box for four days.

Tasty as tissues are, please refrain from eating them.

And if you do run out of tissues,

doctors strongly advise against doing this.

-HAPPY MEWING

-And if symptoms persist,

your local pharmacist can prescribe some suitable medication.

The epidemic has pushed the animal health service to breaking point,

with some doctors working to the point of exhaustion.

MUSIC: Casualty theme

SNORING

As a result, they have released the following statement.

And if you live near an elderly animal,

please do pop round and check on them,

even it means having to listen to their boring stories about the old days.

So look after yourselves out there.

Yeah. I never thought I'd say this

but if you are a dog and you're thinking of going out,

maybe pop on one of those little coats.

Here are some more news stories coming your way.

We've got a round-up of all today's top stories.

I take a closer look at animal gambling

in Sparky Investigates.

And we explore the life and times of a true musical legend -

Melvin the pug.

Today sees the finals of one of the biggest events

in the sporting calendar, the World Box Jumping Championships,

and as always, we'll bring you all the action as it happens.

But first, for those of you who are unfamiliar with the sport,

here's a quick guide.

Box jumping is one of the most watched sports in the animal world.

It essentially involves a cat trying to jump into a box

in the most stylish way possible.

Jumps are marked out of ten for efficiency...

technique...

and artistic interpretation.

Although it might look easy, it's a skill that takes many years to perfect.

And cats may compete in a number of different disciplines.

This one is known as the high box.

Now, you join us at a very exciting moment

because we can go live to the Box Jumping Championships,

where a legend of the sport, four-time world champion Kensuke Coupari

is about to make his first jump.

He's chosen to begin with a large box.

Looking very composed, as ever, as he moves his box into position.

He seems happy with that.

So one last look at his trainer.

And he's in! That's a great opening jump!

Let's see that from some different angles.

Great height.

Lovely technique.

And the classic head-first entry.

And look at that for a dismount!

That is text book - clean as a whistle.

For a first jump, he'll be very happy with that.

And we'll be bringing you more from the World Box Jumping Championships

throughout the programme.

In other news, police are congratulating themselves today

after identifying a serial bin raider.

When detectives arrived on the scene,

they were appalled by the chaos that greeted them

but after making a few enquiries,

it didn't take long for them to identify the guilty party.

The dog, whose name is Graham Mastiff,

was one of a growing number of mutts

to have been outfoxed by a flip-top bin.

Here are some criminal canines who have been caught red-pawed.

MUSIC: "Guilty" by Bananarama

# And the judge and the jury

# They all put the blame on me

# They wouldn't go for my story

# They wouldn't hear my plea

# Only you can set me free

-# Cos I'm guilty

-Guilty

# Guilty as a girl can be

# Come on baby can't you see

# I stand accused

# Guilty... #

Actually, I think it looks quite cool.

Yes, I feel quite Lady Gaga.

Here's what else is making today's news.

Golden retriever fails to win mother of the year award.

Groundhog voted America's most patriotic citizen.

Tony Chimp wins international window-cleaning championships.

Frank Husky finishes last after disappointing performance.

World's first sat-nav monkey ready for test drive.

And cat electrician denies drinking on the job.

Rrrow.

THUD!

She's really not for sharing, is she?

And she's off.

New research says that increasing numbers of animals

are becoming addicted to gambling.

Here's Sparky with a special report.

Hey, sometimes we all love a flutter on the horses,

maybe even a cheeky game of poker with the boys

but for some animals, it's getting way out of control.

Welcome to Sparky Investigates Gambling.

29 red.

Yes!

Gambling used to be an underground activity for animals,

enjoyed by shifty strays in seedy backrooms.

It's under the middle cup.

Told you.

But then the government softened the law

and animal casinos started cropping up across the country.

Craps!

Well, there's no need for that, Sparky!

Who does he think he is? James Bond?

# Money

# Get away... #

Slot machines are a mug's game.

Let me tell you, he is never going to win...

-Lucky.

-Meow!

Poker and this dog clearly has a problem.

He's out of money and has just bet his kennel on this hand.

All right. Let's see how I do here.

A pair of tens, ace high.

Can you do it? Where's your card?

Pick a card. Make it a good one. This had better be good.

-You win!

-DOG YAPPING

Sure, these games are all great when you're winning

but what happens when your luck runs out?

This is Paul. He used to run his own successful plumbing business

but having blown his entire life savings at the craps table,

he now lives in a hostel.

His girlfriend no longer returns his calls.

This is Duncan. He used to be a vicar and then he found a new religion -

scratch cards.

This is Keith. He's barred from every casino in the country for bad credit

but that doesn't stop him from spending his days on the phone

placing bets to his bookie, all funded by these unsavoury characters.

Loan sharks.

So the next time you're sitting at the slot machine

thinking you're having the time of your life,

spare a thought for Paul...

Duncan

and Keith

and remember, gambling never pays.

Unless you win.

That's it for this week's Sparky Investigates.

Good report, Sparky. That was a very thought-provoking piece.

Thanks, Tim. On a completely unrelated note,

can I please borrow £10,000?

No!

We can now return to our coverage of the World Box Jumping Championships

where I believe world champion Kensuke is preparing for his second jump.

That's right, Tim. He's sticking with the big box

but this time coming at it from a slightly higher angle.

Oh! And that is disappointing, he will not be happy with that.

Slightly undercooked it and he's dropped valuable points.

Disappointing indeed but I'm just hearing we can go to a different part of the arena

where a young cat is flying the flag for the home nations.

Yes, Tim. Doogie, a Scottish long-hair, is about to attempt

his first jump.

He's not the most skilful of competitors

but what he lacks in technique, he more than makes up for in determination.

That's the first attempt and oh, dearie me!

He won't be happy with that.

Officials stepping in to reset the box.

OK, second attempt.

Oh, he's overdone it again.

He really is like a bull in a china shop.

Now, compose yourself, Doogie. This third attempt is all-important.

Oh...

Oh, dear, I'm afraid that is the last we're going to be seeing of Doogie

in this year's competition.

Better luck next year, Doogie.

One of the great characters of the sport.

We'll continue to bring you coverage of the World Box Jumping Championship as it comes in.

Bringing you all the news from the animal kingdom,

this is Animal Antics.

Tonight at a star-studded ceremony in Los Angeles,

Melvin the pug is to be inducted into the animal rock and roll hall of fame.

Now, in a special report, here's Tim

to talk you through his incredible life story.

Melvin Reginald Pug was born in Sunderland

into a working class family of 12.

He was a fairly normal puppy,

skateboarding...

surfing...

playing football in the back garden.

YELPING

But as he neared his teenage years, he started to feel different.

At 16, he was the only dog at his school not to have a date for the school prom.

The one thing he did enjoy was television.

He would stare at the screen for hours,

desperate to join his heroes.

On his 17th birthday, he headed down to the bright lights of London

in search of fame and fortune.

But unfortunately, things didn't quite go according to plan.

He began living in a squat and tried to earn a living as a dancer.

# Shake, shake, shake, senora

# Shake your body line

# Shake, shake, shake, senora

# Shake it all the time

# Jump in the line, rock your body in time

# OK, I believe you

# Jump in the line, rock your body in time

# OK, I believe you. #

And things went from bad to worse

as he was forced to make ends meet working as a burlesque dancer

in a seedy West End cabaret club.

Broke and living alone in a bedsit with bailiffs knocking on the door,

he needed a miracle.

He decided to focus on his music career.

That's when he sat down at his piano and recorded this classic.

UPBEAT MUSIC

Thanks to the internet, Walkies became an overnight global sensation.

Offers of work started to flood in and more hits followed.

But with international success,

his behaviour became more and more outlandish.

He started to wear dresses,

developed an obsession with women's shoes

and began to drink heavily.

It was after a boozy session that Melvin decided to have a hair transplant

so he could look more like his idol, Mick Hucknall.

When a former song-writing partner tried to sue him,

Melvin turned up to court dressed like this.

As his life spiralled out of control,

Melvin's record company immediately checked him into rehab

or as it's known in the doggy world, kennels.

It was here that he met the love of his life - Fabio.

Melvin now enjoys the quiet life in his sprawling Sussex mansion,

where he and Fabio enjoy swimming...

cooking...

and holding conga parties.

But for many of us, the little pug from Sunderland will always be at his best

when it's simply him, his piano

and his God-given talent.

CHEESY CADENCE

APPLAUSE

Melvin the pug, a true rock and roll legend.

Although I must say I interviewed him once

and I did find him very difficult.

-That's creative talent for you, Tim.

-No, he was just rude.

We've got all the latest sporting news coming your way.

We'll be taking a special look at the underground music scene

in today's entertainment report.

And we'll also be bringing you a round-up

of all today's other top stories.

Have you ever been to a greyhound stadium?

No, I'm not a fan of dog fighting.

Hi, sports fans, welcome to the sports hub.

We start with some sensational highlights

from the world monkey diving championships.

First up it's Tom Monkey from Great Britain.

Ah, he'll be disappointed with that.

Arms and legs all over the place.

Next up it's Russia's Dmitry Monkey with a sensational jump.

Just look at the distance on that.

Next we've got Denmark's Lars Monkey.

Oh, no, that's just awful.

Basically, he's just fallen in.

Here's Charles de Monkey from France.

And that is sensational. The best dive of the day so far.

Great distance and a superb entrance.

Up next, Latvia's Yanis Monkey.

Oh, dear - that's just bombing.

Although to be fair, that's a pretty impressive splash.

And finally, Hans Monkey from Germany.

And that is why he's world champion.

A perfectly executed backward somersault

-with a half twist - good stuff.

-APPLAUSE

# Let's get ready, ready... #

But for all you sports fan who like something a bit more lively,

here's a round-up of this week's wrestling action.

# Let's wreck the mic Psyche

# Let's get ready to rumble Let's get ready to rumble

# Get ready, get steady

# Let's rumble Everybody rumble

# Let's get ready to rumble

# Let's get ready to rumble Let's get ready to rumble

# Get ready, get steady

# Let's rumble Everybody rumble

# Let's get ready to rumble Let's get ready to rumble

# Get ready, get steady

# And rumble, everybody rumble. #

APPLAUSE

Finally, the annual dog surfing championship took place in Newquay today.

We sent our cameras down there to capture the best of the action.

# Let's go surfing now... #

With strong offshore winds creating swells of up to three feet,

conditions were perfect for the first day of the dog surfing championships.

All the big names were there.

Ace Ripper Bulldog from Sydney,

Daniel the Do-It Dachshund,

even Patti Poodle from Long Beach, California.

The day was full of some spectacular rides.

-# Come on, baby, wait and see

-Surfin' safari

# Cos I'm gonna take you surfin' with me... #

And some spectacular wipe-outs.

# Cos I'm gonna take you surfin' with me

# Let's go surfin' now Everybody's learnin' how

# Come on a safari with me... #

But no-one could predict the contest's controversial climax,

when former world champion Larry Longboard Labrador

had his board stolen midway by Kelly Kelpie,

a free rider out of San Diego, who went on to win the contest.

Despite some anger amongst the judges,

Kelly was eventually pronounced overall winner.

Then it was back to the beach bar for cocktails

to cap off a thoroughly memorable day for dog surfing.

-Cowabunga.

-That was totally rad!

-Absolutely gnarly.

-Seriously hairy, dude.

Not bogus in any way.

Really, really, very good indeed.

Run out of surf speak, Tim?

-You could have said "bodacious".

-Bodacious!

SPARKY SIGHS And that's it for your sport.

-Wipe-out!

-It doesn't work, Tim.

-No, it doesn't.

In other news, drunk cat regrets trying to take off make-up before getting into bed.

Dog sets off on ten-mile charity scooter ride.

Panda set to sue council over unsafe swing.

Lemurs unimpressed by lack of swimming pool on family holiday.

Sweltering cat makes desperate attempt to fix his fan.

And dog taxi driver gives subtle hint for passengers to hurry up.

HORN BLARES

APPLAUSE

And I believe we can go back to the world box jumping championships,

where world champion Kensuke has had a bit of a meltdown.

That's right, Tim. It occurred during his third jump

when he had opted for the notoriously tricky small box.

He just couldn't land it cleanly

despite trying a number of different approaches.

So he decided to abandon that box in favour of a much thinner box,

where we can now join him live.

It's the final jump of the competition.

CROWD CHEERING And it's a good jump.

Oh, but the judges are going to penalise him for that.

Not a perfect jump but an impressive end to the evening none the less.

And we'll get back to you with the winner of the event

as soon as we know the result.

According to a government report, this year has seen

a record number of animals possessed by evil spirits.

Animals up and down the country have been showing the telltale signs

of glowing green eyes, speaking in tongues

and displays of demonic aggression.

# There's something strange In the neighbourhood

# Who you gonna call?

# Ghostbusters!

# There's something weird And it don't look good

# Who you gonna call?

# Ghostbusters!

# I ain't afraid of no ghosts! #

I'm just glad you're all right, Sparky.

-Ah!

-Tim! Tim!

-Call the bishop! Call the bishop!

-Tim!

Tim, Tim, I'm only joking, Tim.

Don't ever joke like that again!

Ever!

Entertainment news now and tonight we report on a new craze

that is sweeping the nation.

Yes, a growing number of young cats are getting involved

in a new dance music movement known as catstep.

One of the most popular venues is the Cat's Whiskers club

where amid scenes of extreme hedonism,

young cats can often be seen showing off the latest moves.

Catstep involves spinning round, walking on your hind legs

and moving your front paws really quickly.

THUMPING BEAT

-MELLOW MUSIC

-Others choose to take a step back

and just nod along like zombies.

Groups of cat sit for hours, hypnotised by the repetitive beats.

Sounds pretty funky to me, Sparky.

Fancy heading out to a catstep club tonight?

No, thanks, Tim. I prefer dog'n'bass.

# You know you're only in it cos it's hot right now, hot right now

# Turn it up right now

# Put your hands in the air if you want it right now

# Yeah, yeah Hot right now

# You know you're only in it cos it's hot right now, hot right now

# Turn it up right now

# Put your hands in the air if you want it right now

# Yeah, yeah Hot right now... #

APPLAUSE

-And now the weather with Sparky.

-Thanks, Tim.

The big freeze continues over much of the UK

so please bear this in mind when travelling to work.

# You're as cold as ice... #

And make sure you wear appropriate footwear,

as it's pretty slippy out there.

# You're willing to sacrifice

# You're as cold as ice... #

The best thing to do is stay at home

and if you do venture out, try and have a bit of fun,

like my mate Colin here.

# The weather outside is frightful... #

He's got his eyes on the prize.

# But the fire is so delightful... #

And he's off with it! She's never going to catch him.

# Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. #

And the best thing about these wintry conditions

is you can have a snowball fight.

Eat snow, furball.

APPLAUSE

And that's your weather.

We've been bringing you coverage of the World Box Jumping Championships throughout the show

and I'm just hearing, the winner is about to be announced.

Kensuke Coupari has taken the title for the fifth consecutive year

and we can see him now on his victory parade

wearing his ceremonial cape made of boxes.

That's right, Tim, a much-deserved victory for the box-jumping veteran.

What a great ambassador for the sport.

I don't know about you but I'm already looking forward to next year's tournament.

And finally, we've seen some priceless pets tonight

but sometimes it's you humans who do the funniest things.

Take a look at this.

This is Penny on grapefruit juice.

Grapefruit juice - classic!

Yeah, she's really not sure about that.

And she's down.

APPLAUSE

Tim, that reminds me of the time I gave you your first shot of tequila.

I'd rather you didn't mention that.

Unbelievable.

Well, that's all we've got time for on tonight's Animal Antics.

-Goodnight.

-Goodnight.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-Great show.

-Yeah, yeah.

See you in the green room? Could you get me a bowl of red wine?

I'm just going to go and cock my leg in the car park.

If you have clips of animals doing something newsworthy

or just something utterly ridiculous, please go to...

..to find out how to send them in.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd