Episode 5 Animal Antics

Broadcasting from the world famous BBC Television Centre

with your hosts Tim Brooke-Taylor

and Sparky the Dog

bringing you the news as you've never seen it before.

This is Animal Antics!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You're watching Animal Antics

the show that brings you all the latest news from the animal kingdom.

I'm Tim Brooke-Taylor.

And here to offer his expert animal opinion is my dog, Sparky.

Good evening.

Here are the headlines.

Farm animal regrets calling Mum a fat pig.

SNORTING

LAUGHTER

President Obama gives the go ahead

for animal troop exit from Afghanistan.

LAUGHTER

Free-running cat regrets polishing his balcony.

LAUGHTER

But first, our main story.

Police issued a nationwide alert today

after a large group of dangerous animals escaped from prison.

MUSIC: "I Want To Break Free" by Queen

In a meticulously planned operation,

inmates targeted several areas of the prison at once,

leaving guards powerless to stop them.

LAUGHTER

SIREN BLARES

YAPPING

But the net could be closing in on the group of fugitives.

BANJO MUSIC PLAYS

Steve "Aberdeen" Angus currently serving a 12-year sentence

for destroying a china shop

was spotted heading towards Kidderminster train station

where he was seen getting on the 9.14 to High Wycombe.

Police sent out a search chopper and set up roadblocks

and eventually caught up with him on the town's busy ring road

as he tried to make his way to his favourite field in the Chilterns.

MOOING

His partner in crime was captured on security cameras trying to steal

a car outside a cinema in Worcester.

TRUMPETING

The escapee elephant, known simply as Douglas,

is a convicted peanut smuggler.

TRUMPETING

When two cinema ushers tried to make a citizen's arrest,

he became abusive and sprinted off towards a nearby shopping centre.

LAUGHTER

And I believe we can now go live to the M40 near Banbury

where a police helicopter is closing in on another escapee.

Ah, yes. Now this is Kevin Shih Tzu

who's currently serving a 15-year sentence for stealing sausages.

Kevin was thought to be originally from the Nantwich area,

but he may be making his way to his girlfriend's house in Daventry.

He has a history of violent crime including...

Yeah, I don't like to bad-mouth a fellow dog,

but this guy is a disgrace.

And we can go back to the chase now where things are really hotting up.

Police motorcyclists are on the scene and in pursuit.

Incredible scenes there, Sparky!

But it looks like Kevin's not going to give himself up

without a fight.

It's the smell of freedom, Tim.

No dog in his right mind wants to live in a cell.

He wants to be running through fields,

jumping in lakes, rolling in fox poo.

We'll bring you more on this incredible story as it develops,

along with all of this.

Just what's making cats so jumpy these days?

Stay tuned to find out, we've got a special report coming right up.

LAUGHTER

This year has seen a large rise in the number of animal squatters,

I'll be taking a closer look in Sparky Investigates.

And as always we've got a round-up of all today's other top stories.

LAUGHTER

A new national study says that anxiety levels in cats

have reached a record high.

According to the study cats are more scared now

than at any previous time in history.

LAUGHTER

But what is it that's turning them into such scaredy-cats.

Well, according to this study,

here are the top five reasons for feline fear.

In at number 5...

MUSIC: "Heart Skips A Beat" by Olly Murs

In at number 4...

WHIRRING

LAUGHTER

In an number 3...

LAUGHTER

In at number 2...

LAUGHTER

And at number 1, the top cat fear...

SCREAMING

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

What are you scared of, Sparky?

Not much, Tim. Dogs are much braver creatures than cats.

The only thing I can think of that really scares a dog is thunder.

What's that all about? The sky should not be making that kind of noise.

-Fair point.

-Nothing else. Oh, apart from fireworks, obviously.

And postmen.

And vets. And flies.

-Thanks for that Sparky, but...

-And men with beards.

And that big swan in the park.

And the sheep that chase me when we're in Devon.

-Thank you...

-And Alan Titchmarsh.

Apparently he's got one heck of a temper.

LAUGHTER

Let's see what else is making the news today.

Surprise winner in World Air-Guitar Championships.

LAUGHTER

Penguin boy band deny one member has a drink problem.

LAUGHTER

Roy Dogson gives inspiration team talk during Cow World Cup!

LAUGHTER

BARKING

Bird struggles to head south for migration season.

LAUGHTER

Star relaxes between takes on the set of Kung Fu Panda 3.

LAUGHTER

And Derren Brown banned from visiting old cats home.

CAT MEOWS

LAUGHTER

The last year has seen a huge rise in the number of animal squatters.

Here's Sparky with a special report.

After a hard day's work,

imagine walking into your sitting room and finding this.

LAUGHTER

Or this!

HORSE NEIGHS

LAUGHTER

For many, this nightmare is becoming a reality.

In what they claim is a protest

against the lack of affordable houses on the market,

many creatures are illegally breaking into properties

and claiming squatter's rights.

Sebastian here broke into Knightsbridge town house.

Despite having never done a hard day's work in his life,

he had no problem claiming this luxury pad as his own.

Within days, he'd turned it into his own seedy love nest.

Dear, oh, dear!

So how on earth does this happen?!

Well, first the animals gain access to the property

through an open window or cat flap.

SHEEP BAAS

Once in, the squatters go on the hunt for food.

What a fat pig!

This anteater's just helped himself to a tub of the owner's hummus.

This sponging husky's just eaten so much homemade fish pie,

he's fallen asleep in the fridge.

LAUGHTER

These anteaters have the cheek to move their entire CD collection

into this woman's laundry room.

LAUGHTER

It doesn't take these animals long to make themselves at home.

Just look at these two squatting sheep.

No respect for the owner's property whatsoever!

And I bet they haven't even wiped their feet.

LAUGHTER

And once they're in,

it's only a matter of time before the illegal parties begin.

These often centre around the swimming pool.

MUSIC: "Tik Tok" by Keha

Unfortunately, when the owners return,

they often find the law isn't on their side

and they're powerless to do anything.

You try telling these two to move on.

Would you mind awfully getting off my hammock?

BEAR ROARS

Or stay a bit longer, it's your choice.

So, remember, the next time you open your front door

and you find a family of giraffes

having a party in your conservatory,

there's nothing you can do about it.

That was Sparky Investigates Animal Squatters.

Gosh, Sparky, this is alarming! Is it strictly true?

It's what my research tells me.

And where do these freeloaders get off, Tim?

If you want to live in a house, you've got to pay for it.

That reminds me, you owe me about six months' rent.

That's completely different.

Stop embarrassing yourself. Let's move on.

Bringing you all the news from the animal kingdom,

this is Animal Antics!

We can now go back to tonight's main story,

that incredible animal prison break.

Sparky, have the police managed to arrest Kevin Shih Tzu?

Interesting you should say that, Tim,

because it looks like the game is up for the escaped psychopath.

The police finally have him surrounded.

Maybe not, he's off again! He might be a convicted sausage thief,

but you've got to admire his spirit.

It's extraordinary, Sparky.

He throws the policeman some kind of dummy

and then just carries on running.

LAUGHTER

Looks like the police have really got their work cut out there.

We'll come back to it as the story develops.

Hi, sports fans. Welcome to the Sports Hub.

First, the headlines.

Cat boxer chooses unlikely sparring partner.

BELL DINGS

LAUGHTER

And cub tug-of-war tournament ends in a draw.

LAUGHTER

Surprise result in otter versus kid championships.

And they're off!

And the otter takes an early lead as they approach the first bend!

But as they head to the halfway point, it's impossible to call!

The toddler takes the lead!

And it's neck-and-neck on the home straight.

And the otter has won it by a whisker!

But first, basketball news.

And the LA Barkers today paraded their record-breaking new signing.

Having started out as a rookie with the Chicago Bulldogs,

it was only a matter of time

before this pup burst onto the main stage with a big-money move.

FUNK MUSIC PLAYS

I mean, looking at this footage, Sparky,

you can see why he won the Most Valuable Pup award

five seasons in a row.

-You'd be good at basketball, Tim.

-Why's that?

-Because you're always dribbling!

-Sparky!

Meanwhile, the Philadelphia Felines

have signed this kitten straight out of high school

for his outstanding defensive skills.

But now we're going to take a look

at one of the fastest growing sports in the animal kingdom -

freerunning or parkour.

Here's Sparky with all you need to know

about this exciting new discipline.

Thanks, Tim. Parkour is all about finding exciting ways

to move around your urban environment,

treating the city around you like an acrobatic playground.

The first technique you need to learn is climbing.

MUSIC: "Jump" by Kris Kross

Master that, time for something a little bit more complicated.

Let's do some flips and tricks.

FUNK MUSIC PLAYS

Next up, big jumps.

MUSIC: "Jump Around" by House of Pain

But beware, because this is where things can get a little bit tricky.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

We brought you these sensational pictures earlier in the programme.

Let's take another look.

LAUGHTER

Don't worry, people, she's all right.

That was my guide to animal parkour. Hope you enjoyed it.

Thanks, Sparky, but I don't think it's for me.

Fair enough, Tim.

I think I'll just stick with naked darts.

SILENCE

LAUGHTER

Still to come on today's show.

It's been a busy week in the world of fashion.

We've got a full report coming right up.

As a dog is named Vice President of the USA for the first time,

we take a look back at the history of animals in politics.

And - beep-beep! - I'll be bringing you all today's traffic news.

Animals are gathering from all over the globe today

to compete in the World's Longest Tongue competition

in what experts are describing as the strongest field in years.

Let's take a look at some of the competitors.

In at number 5,

Wendy Collie from Toledo, Ohio.

LAUGHTER

At number 4,

Derek Hunter from Melbourne, Australia.

LAUGHTER

At number 3, last year's winner,

Debbie Mongrel from Northern Ireland.

LAUGHTER

At number 2,

Newcomer Graham Grisly from Windsor.

And this year's favourite, Angela Giraffe from Orlando, Florida.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

But one species that is very poorly represented

in the competition is cats.

Cats are complaining that they clearly have a genetic disadvantage

when it comes to the contest

and so have set up an entirely new tournament

called the World's Wiggliest Tongue.

MUSIC: "Wiggle It" by 2 In A Room

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

You wiggle your tongue when you concentrate, don't you?

-I do not!

-Yes, you do.

-All right, what's the capital of Somalia?

-Erm...

-There you go!

-Addis Ababa!

It's Mogadishu!

Time now to take a look at doggy fashion week.

And it's fair to say that this season

there are some hot new styles hitting the catwalk.

Don't know why they call it the catwalk.

Could you just talk us through some of these, Sparky?

Supermodel Naomi Beagle here

modelling Georgio Labrador's eagerly awaited Christmas range.

She always turns it on for the camera.

Great pout, nice hat as well.

Warmth and style and a little bit sexy.

The elf look. Not everyone can pull this one off,

but Naomi does it with such style.

Look at that smile!

LAUGHTER

The full Father Christmas. She wears is so elegantly.

Brave look this one.

Apparently, the designer wanted to make it look like

she was wearing a pair of pants on her head.

And this year's showstopper -

a great look, made up mostly of Christmas lights.

For all you young dogs watching, please don't try this look at home.

And, of course, no look is complete without footwear.

MUSIC: "Walk This Way" by Run DMC

They may be difficult to walk in,

but once you get used to them, you'll be the talk of the town.

YAPPING

LAUGHTER

But not everyone can pull this look off as demonstrated by this cat.

Absolutely no style whatsoever.

You look ridiculous, mate!

And that's your fashion.

Tomorrow in Washington the first ever dog will be officially sworn in

as Vice President of the USA.

On the eve of this historic moment,

Tim is going to take a look back at some of the other animals

that have held political office in the United States.

Last week a dog called John P Waterhound was unveiled

as the Vice President of the United States of America

following a closely-fought contest with a fellow canine politician.

They seemed to have narrowed it down

to a Labradoodle or a Portuguese waterhound.

However, he's not the first animal

to hold political office in the Whitehouse.

In the '90s, Bill Clinton appointed a chocolate Labrador

as his Secretary of Defence.

LAUGHTER

And George Bush famously chose several animals

to be in his Cabinet,

including a turkey as his First Secretary of Agriculture...

..and a Scottish terrier called Barney to be his Chief of Staff.

I know you want to be in my Cabinet.

Barney enjoyed a particularly close friendship with Bush.

The President even introduced him to his future wife.

Bush loved Barney for his ferocious work ethic.

However, their relationship deteriorated

when Barney created a diplomatic incident

by losing his temper with the French President.

BARKING

And it finally reached rock bottom when Barney

accused Bush of humiliating him in front of the world's press.

LAUGHTER

However, the most controversial animal in White House history

was a dog that found himself in the middle of a spying scandal

after being appointed Head of the CIA by President Nixon.

It was a little cocker spaniel dog.

And I just wanted to say this right now.

That regardless of what they say about it, we're going to keep him.

Interesting that no animals have ever held political positions

in this country, Sparky?

Well, never say never, Tim.

It's certainly an area that I'm interested in moving into.

You want to become an MP?!

Well, I'm sure I could count on your vote.

Let's just wait and see what your polices are.

Fine. First off, free bones for all nursery school puppies.

-Everyone needs a strong start in life.

-I'll have to stop you there.

Thankfully, we've got some more breaking news.

We can go back live to that police chase on the motorway

where I believe they may be about to apprehend the escaped prisoner.

I certainly hope so, Tim.

But this copper looks like he's running through treacle.

You know me, Tim, I'm not one to knock the police

but this guy hasn't got a clue.

Oh, no! He's got him! It's all over!

Got him!

Good night, Vienna! TIM LAUGHS

Looks like it's back to the clink for Kevin there.

Yes, that's right, Tim. No walkies for him for a while.

-Actually, I feel a bit sorry for him, really.

-Not me, Tim.

He's a filthy criminal.

In other news. Broken boiler forces cat to have cold bath.

LAUGHTER

Short-sighted dog starts fight with toy mouse.

LAUGHTER

BARKING

-Bear mechanic waves off another happy customer.

-Bye.

LAUGHTER

Restaurant regrets choice of new wine waiter.

LAUGHTER

Animal health service criticised

after suspected mix-up in maternity ward.

LAUGHTER

And cameraman regrets entering mosh pit

at ferret heavy metal concert.

HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYS

LAUGHTER

Entertainment news now.

Ahead of the Animal X-Factor semifinals this week,

we take a look at how rehearsals are going

for the for remaining contestants.

First up is Leo from Manchester.

Ah, yes. Leo really impressed the judges last week

with this haunting acoustic ballad.

LEO WAILS TUNELESSLY

LAUGHTER

Next up, and I'm certainly a fan, it's Max from Burnley.

-WOMAN:

-# Twinkle, twinkle, little...

MEOWS

# How I wonder what you...

MEOWS

# Up above the world so...

MEOWS

# Like a diamond in the...

MEOWS

# Twinkle, twinkle, little...

MEOWS

# How I wonder what you...

-MEOWS

-Whoo!

APPLAUSE

Well, I have to say, he was by far my favourite.

I've got to disagree, Tim.

Yes, he's got bags of star quality

but he doesn't really sing, he just speaks the lyrics.

And I say this every year, please remember it is a singing competition.

WAILING

LAUGHTER

Well, this guy can certainly belt it out, Sparky.

WAILS

HARMONICA PLAYS

Bags of soul, Tim, but he can be a little pitchy.

WAILS

Next, it's 84-year-old Sandra Greenparrot,

who went down very well last week

with her fantastic rendition of an old classic.

# Old MacDonald had a farm... #

I think the nerves have got to her, Tim.

She's forgotten the words.

# Old MacDonald had a farm

# EE-I-EE-I-O! #

APPLAUSE

All the semifinalists will he hoping to replicate the success

of last year's winners,

the unbelievably popular duo -

Who are currently riding high on the charts with their latest hit

Baby Monkey Riding Backwards On A Pig.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Here's Sparky with a quick traffic report.

Thanks, Tim. And it's a busy day on the roads,

so let's get straight to it.

And I'm hearing that a turkey is causing a massive hold-up

on the main road through Chipping Sodbury.

LAUGHTER

CHATTER

On a more positive note,

traffic is now flowing freely through the centre of Manchester.

LAUGHTER

And up in the north of Scotland,

there are no reported hold-ups despite an unexpected snowstorm.

LAUGHTER

ENGINES REVVING

On a general note, if you are planning to journey out today,

before you set off,

just make sure you're not carrying any unwanted passengers.

WOMAN SCREAMING

SHOUTING

MAN: There is a water moccasin,

a huge water moccasin in our car!

WOMAN SCREAMS

-WOMAN SCREAMS

-Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

And try to ensure there's nothing obstructing your windscreen wipers.

LAUGHTER

CHIRPING

LAUGHTER

That bird is going to take some shifting.

I had a girlfriend like that once.

LAUGHTER

And that's your traffic.

And finally, we've seen some wacky wildlife tonight,

but sometimes it's you humans who do the funniest things.

I can already tell you that this doesn't look very safe.

He's travelling at some speed.

Yep, I think this is a pretty bad idea all round.

And he's down. Let's take another look.

LAUGHTER

Yep, that's going to hurt in the morning.

APPLAUSE

HE LAUGHS Absolutely priceless.

That's all we've got time for on tonight's Animal Antics.

-Good night.

-Good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Great show.

-Yeah, it was a great show.

Any plans for tonight?

Take you to the park and let you chase some squirrels.

I'd love to but I'm playing squash with David Dimbleby.

Oh, course you are. Yes.

If you have clips of animals doing something newsworthy

or just something utterly ridiculous,

please go to...

..to find out how to send them in.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd