Episode 6 Animal Antics

'Broadcasting from the world famous BBC Television Centre

'with your hosts Tim Brooke-Taylor and Sparky the Dog

'bringing you the news as you've never seen it before.

'This is Animal Antics.'

APPLAUSE

You're watching Animal Antics, the show that brings you all the latest news from the animal kingdom.

I'm Tim Brooke-Taylor and here to offer his expert animal opinion is my dog, Sparky.

-Good evening.

-Here are the headlines.

Parakeet denies bullying work colleague.

MUSIC: "Push It" by Salt-N-Pepa

LAUGHTER

Mouse train driver has terrible first day at work.

Cat recovering from nervous breakdown suffers breakfast setback.

LAUGHTER

But first our main story.

There are growing calls tonight for fat cat banker Sir Michael Chunky-Potion

to be stripped of his knighthood following the collapse of Catwest Bank last week.

Despite knowing the bank was on the verge of financial ruin,

Sir Michael, seen here at his favourite restaurant,

would use the company credit card to splash out on lavish meals.

Sir Michael is believed to have encouraged a greed-is-good culture

as evidenced by some of his employees behaviour at the bank's Christmas party.

MUSIC: "Money, Money, Money" by ABBA

Many of the bank's top execs have gone into hiding to avoid the intense scrutiny of the media.

This hedge fund manager was found hiding out in a beauty parlour in Croydon.

-DOORBELL

-Until reporters tracked him down.

The media pressure got so bad for this banker,

he threatened to throw himself off the ledge outside his office.

Fortunately, he was coaxed back in by counsellors with a promise of some kitty nibbles.

So far only one cat has appeared in court for his part in the bank's collapse,

but despite his pleas for leniency,

-Lord Justice Moggy Fishbreath sentenced him to nine life sentences.

-Guilty!

We can now speak to the bank's former Vice Chairman,

Derek Tabby-Longhair from his home in Surrey.

Thanks for joining us, Derek.

Did you or any of the executives have any idea of the trouble the bank was in?

CAT GIBBERS

Do you think any of your customers will ever get their money back?

CAT GIBBERS

Would you at least like to take this opportunity

to apologise to all the people who lost their entire life savings?

CAT GIBBERS

Derek Tabby-Longhair, thanks very much for joining us.

CAT GIBBERS LAUGHTER

Plenty of texts and e-mails coming in about this, Sparky.

Many of them from viewers who have lost their life savings.

Here's just some of them, Tim.

"I'm absolutely livid! I was saving up for a holiday of a lifetime off the Great Barrier Reef."

That's from a goldfish in Corby.

"These modern-day bankers just make me laugh." That's from a hyena in Tewkesbury.

"That's it, I'm moving back to China!" That's from a panda in Edinburgh Zoo.

Pretty sobering stuff. Here are some more news stories coming your way.

More and more animals are becoming addicted to video games.

We've got a full report coming right up.

We've got all the latest sports news,

including a round-up of the Animal X-Games.

LAUGHTER

And today mark's the first day of the hibernation season.

We've all the latest right here on Animal Antics.

Thousands of animals across the country go into hibernation today

in what marks the first day of the hibernation season.

We sent out our cameras to bring you all the latest action as it happens.

And, I think, we can now go live to a dormouse in Surrey.

-SNORING

-Well, that's a great start.

It all looks like it's going down very well there.

-Would you like to talk us through it, Sparky?

-Absolutely, Tim.

That is just great hibernation, flat on his back, arms on his chest,

good loud snoring, he is going to be out for months.

Just like you after your Sunday lunch, eh, Tim?

You can't beat a power nap, Sparky. Good for him, I say.

Apparently, we can go live to a parrot in Braintree.

And I believe he's got off to quite a shaky start, Sparky.

Yep, I'm afraid he's wide awake, Tim.

Onlookers say he did drift off a couple of hours ago

but he was woken up by a knock on the door

and since then he's been finding it very, very hard.

Let's hope he shows some improvement because otherwise, Tim,

he's going to find it a really, really long hibernation season.

And we'll be bringing you more great hibernation stories like that

throughout the programme.

A government watchdog says increasing numbers of young animals

are becoming addicted to violent video games.

This bearded lizard has been playing this shockingly violent

videogame for 24 hour straight.

His parents are said to be increasingly

concerned about his state of mind.

This is Paul.

He is addicted to downloadable games.

He has even stolen from his own grandmother's purse in order

to by the latest app for his smartphone. He is not alone.

Let's take a look at some more animal addicts.

Experts are becoming increasingly concerned that playing these

brutal games may even lead to violent behaviour in real-life.

I'm not convinced by that, Tim. I am a huge game player

but it has never made me feel violent.

Sorry, has someone been playing with my chair? It's a simple question!

Right! I'm off to play my Mega Drive!

Will somebody get my agent on the phone?

Here are some of today's other top stories.

Cat Army pleased with latest range of camouflage gear.

Emotions run high as dog visits Penguin lover in jail.

Man fails to wow judges on Tanzania's Got Talent.

KLAXON

KLAXON

KLAXON

Successful working mother claims her life is just a balancing act.

Dog loses patience with lazy owner and takes himself for walkies.

And sheep auditions for lead role in Riverdance.

IRISH MUSIC PLAYS

-Hi, sports fans, welcome to the sports hub.

-Woo-hoo!

And as you can see, Tim is pumped.

Yes, I am, Sparky, because Manchester is hosted the Animal X-Games,

where daredevil animals from around the globe

competed against each other in extreme sports.

Britain achieved several notable victories during the games

including Dean Bulldog in the wakeboarding.

For any of you youngsters watching, just have a look at this technique.

It is like he was born to board.

And isn't he just loving it?

And here he goes with his signature trick, the 360.

It was a great day for Graham Bulldog as he took

bronze in the skateboarding.

# He was a skater boy She said see you later, boy

# He wasn't good enough for her. #

Unfortunately, his younger team-mate succumbed

to an unexpected bout of nerves and failed to make it

past the first round.

As always, the ultimate Frisbee provided some unmissable moments.

Current paragliding world champion J Russell

was on track for a fourth successive gold medal.

Unfortunately,

he was disqualified for completely destroying a family picnic.

There were no surprises in the snowboarding as Ken Possum

claimed his fifth consecutive title.

Ken, we salute you.

In the sledging, bookies favourite Barry Alsatian had a day to forget.

He struggled to find any real pace

and ended up taking out his frustration on a BBC cameraman.

In the off-piste snowboarding,

debutant Trevor Beagle made slow and steady progress

at the top of the course.

Unfortunately, his cautious approach didn't pay off,

only yards from the finish line he fell asleep and crashed into a tree.

And Wendy Dachshund claimed gold in the powerboating.

With Kieran Alsatian only seconds behind her to claim the silver.

I don't care where it is held next year, Sparky, we are going.

-I think it's in Kuala Lumpur, Tim.

-Well, perhaps not.

But snooker news now,

and I believe we can go over live to the Kitty Crucible, where the

five-time World Cat Snooker champion is compiling yet another 100-plus break.

Yes, Jimmy Whitepaws here right at the top of his game.

I have never seen him look more composed at the table.

Weighing up his options there,

and then straight into that tricky middle pocket.

And look at that, he is going for one of his trademark safety shots.

What a talent.

Meanwhile at the World Pool Championships in Atlanta,

John Chihuahua racked up a record break.

And Terry Poodle showed off to the crowd with a few

of his customary trick shots.

And for those of you who would like to see more of the snooker,

you can switch over to BBC Two later tonight

and catch all the live action in a show presented by Hazel Fishface.

'Bringing you all the news from the animal kingdom,

'this is Animal Antics!'

More now on the story that is affecting thousands of you up

and down the country. The first day of the hibernation season.

We have just heard that things are going very well

down in Southampton.

That's right, this hummingbird is really shocking the whole animal

world how to do it.

This is some of the best hibernation is I have ever seen.

if he isn't up there with hibernator of the season,

there is something very very wrong. Phenomenal stuff.

he will literally blink and it will be spring.

Many of our viewers have been so inspired by our coverage

of the hibernation season that they have decided to try it themselves.

Let's see how they're getting along.

# Today I don't feel like doing anything

# I just want to lay in my bed

# Don't feel like picking up my phone So leave a message at the tone

# Cos today I swear I'm not doing anything

# I'm gonna kick my feet up and stare at the fan

# Turn my TV on Throw my hand in my pants

# Nobody's gonna tell me I can't

# I'm lying on the couch Just chilling with my snuggie

# Switch to MTV So they can teach me how to dougie

# Cos in my castle I'm the freaking man

# I wish I said it, I've said it

# I've said it cos I can

# Today I don't feel like doing anything

# I just wanna lay in my bed

# Don't feel like picking up the phone, so leave a message at the tone

# Cos today I swear I'm not doing anything, nothing at all. #

Well, it looks like they're really getting into the spirit of it,

eh, Tim? Tim!

I have no intention of touching it! Where are we?

Here at Animal Antics we would like to wish all you hibernators

a long and relaxing hibernation.

-See you in four months.

-Bye.

Still to come, we have a round-up of today's top stories.

We will be previewing the new series of Animal Record Breakers

in today's entertainment report.

And I will be taking a look at the latest fashion news.

Next up, Sparky Investigates.

Sometimes we all love a kebab,

but for some animals it is getting way out of control.

Welcome to Sparky Investigates: Junk Food.

These days, more and more animals are relying on a high-fat sugary

snack to get them through their busy working lives.

This iguana is addicted to sweet sickly serial,

sometimes eats up to seven packets a day.

And look at this feline fatty. He really did get the cream.

A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.

Sickening.

These seagulls are so desperate they are willing to peck their way

through solid glass to get their chip fix.

Unfortunately, the consequences of this addiction are always the same.

This fatty's been stuck on his back for three days.

And this cat has become so lazy

that she has had her own lift system installed.

All to avoid taking the stairs. What a basket case.

Jeff here used to be a champion high jumper before he became

addicted to cheeseburgers.

And look at this lump of lard.

To be fair, Sparky, that's just a normal hippo.

-Tim, this is Sparky Investigates not Sparky and Tim.

-Sorry.

But it's not all bad news.

Thanks to a government campaign for healthier animal eating, some

species are discovering the delights of getting the five today.

MUSIC: "Eat It" by Weird Al Yankovich

# Just eat it, eat it

# Open up your mouth and feed it

# Have a banana

# Have a whole bunch

# It doesn't matter what you had for lunch

# Just eat it, eat it Eat it, eat it

# Eat it, eat it Eat it, eat it... #

Or maybe just chow down on a lovely big salad like my friend Leonard.

Believe it or not, we haven't sped this up,

he has just got an enormous appetite.

# Eat it

# If it's getting cold, reheat it. #

But don't go too crazy with that diet.

Carlton here lost 60lbs in a week and now none of his clothes fit him.

If I were you, Carlton, I'd head out and treat yourself

to a nice, juicy burger and a bag of pork scratchings.

A healthy diet is all well and good

but if you want to be looking your best for the mating season,

you are also going to have to do some exercise.

Check out my top five tips on the best ways of staying fit.

In at number five, the old classic - jogging.

MUSIC: "Physical" by Olivia Newton-John

# Let's get physical, physical

# I want to get physical

# Let's get into physical

# Let me hear your body talk. #

Careful you don't fall off the end there, mate.

Whoops, too late.

Don't worry, I don't think anyone saw you.

And for all you animals who can't afford the latest gym equipment,

use your imagination like Leslie Tabby here.

Personally, I would steer clear of washing machines.

They scare the life out of me.

In at number four, swimming.

Nigel Bulldog here doing everyone's favourite stroke - the doggy paddle.

Graceful, elegant and extremely effective.

In at number three, free running or parkour.

Looks like he has got the same builder as me.

Free running really is a great way to get in shape.

Maybe cut down on the coffee there, Colin.

In at number two, playing in the park.

Keith Retriever here going up the stairs...

..and down the slide. Whee!

There really is no better feeling.

But the number one top tip for losing a bit of weight

and keeping yourself in shape is my personal favourite - powerlifting.

Right.

Feet nice and wide apart.

Two quick movements. The clean and the power jerk.

That's all for this week's Sparky Investigates.

Stay healthy, Britain.

Transport news now

and a revolutionary new taxi service was launched today in Leeds.

They call themselves Tortoise Cabs.

And although they might not be the fastest taxi service in town,

they will always get you to your destination.

This chicken needed to get from his office to a very

important business meeting.

Tortoise Cabs didn't let him down.

And this parakeet uses Tortoise Cabs

every week to visit her niece in Leamington Spa.

This hamster needed a ride to her weekly samba class.

Here she is arriving safely at her destination.

Another satisfied customer.

And this furry fellow needed to grab a pint of milk from the shop

before it shut.

Tortoise Cabs got the job done.

However, not everyone is appreciative

of the new taxi service.

Yes, Tim, we have had this rather angry tweet in

from an angry mouse in Headingley who says,

"I just took a one mile taxi journey to my bingo club.

"It took me three days and cost me £900.

"I will not be using Tortoise Cabs again."

This week sees the return of one of my favourite TV shows -

Animal Record Breakers.

Stars of the new series include Jenny the retriever who

we see here attempting to break her own world record for sock catching.

With the record currently set at six,

Jenny really does face a huge challenge.

That's three.

Four.

Five.

Six. She has equalled it.

But she appears to be giving up.

No, no, no.

That's not going to be allowed.

And the excitement doesn't stop there

because other highlights include Kevin the hoover hamster

attempting the impossible

as he goes for the new world record in rice grain eating.

With the record currently set at 101 grains in a minute,

the big question is has Kevin bitten off more than he can chew?

The show also sees Terry Labrador attempting to set a new record

for the amount of toys destroyed in a minute.

And as if that wasn't enough,

we will also see Clint Ginger Tabby trying to break

the record for the amount of stuff he can balance on his belly.

If you're looking for real drama,

Animal Record Breakers is the place to be.

Fashion news now and with Halloween only six months away,

many animals are already preparing their outfits.

MUSIC: "Thriller" by Michael Jackson

# It's close to midnight

# Something evil's lurking in the dark

# Under the moonlight

# You see a sight that almost stops your heart

# You try to scream

# But terror takes the sound before you make it

# You start to freeze

# As horror looks you right between the eyes

# You're paralysed

# Cos this is thriller

# Thriller night

# And no-one's gonna save you from the beast about to strike... #

MUSIC: "Theme from Star Wars" by John Williams

# You know it's thriller

# Thriller night

# You're fighting for your life

# Inside a killer

# Thriller tonight. #

If you are going to go trick or treating, have a great night

although remember, you don't have to go out.

You could always do what we do.

Stay in, turn off all the lights and cuddle behind the sofa.

We don't actually cuddle!

Here's what else is making the news on today's programme.

Filming under way for superhero movie Spidercat 3.

Dog says he will appeal against life sentence

for persistent cat-bothering.

Trainee bear mechanic has terrible first day at work.

New world record set for a number of raccoons in a hammock.

World's first pigeon vicar helps local community to clean up streets.

And unwanted intruder leads to cancellation of Mouse Grand Prix.

And now the weather with Sparky.

Well, I'm afraid the news isn't good, Tim.

We have got wet weather right across the UK.

It's going to be absolutely filthy.

MUSIC: "Roll With It" by Oasis

# You gotta roll with it You gotta take your time

# You gotta say what you say Don't let anybody get in your way

# Cos it's all too much for me to take

# Don't ever stand aside Don't ever be denied

# You ought to be who you be if you're coming with me

# I think I've got a feeling I've lost inside

# I think I'm gonna take me away and hide

# I'm thinking things that I just can't abide. #

And if you are enjoying yourself out there,

before you go back inside make sure you give it a little bit of this.

MUSIC: "Nessun Dorma" by Luciano Pavarotti

That really is a sight to behold.

Ladies and gentlemen, the dog in all its glory.

That's the weather. Back to you, Tim.

Well, my auntie always used to say,

"There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothes."

-Isn't she the one that died of hypothermia?

-Yeah. On Snowdon.

In fact, those were her last words.

And finally, we have seen some wacky wildlife tonight

but sometimes it's you humans who do the funniest things.

MUSIC: "Dream A Little Dream Of Me" by The Mamas And The Papas

Now, I never had skiing down as boring

but just take a look at this cute little fellow.

A day on the slopes has clearly taken it out of him.

There is his sister coming to check he is all right.

Yeah, he is definitely asleep.

# Stars shining bright above you... #

# How is he managing to stay on his feet?

Oh, he is not. Man down.

Let's take another look.

# Dream a little dream of me. #

Boom.

Humans really do the funniest things.

Anyway, that's all we've got time for on tonight's Animal Antics.

-Good night.

-Good night.

-Great show.

-Absolutely fantastic show.

So, what are we doing tonight?

Well, we have got to take you to the vets for a check-up. Sparky.

Sparky, sit. Come back. Sparky!

If you have clips of animals doing something newsworthy or just

something utterly ridiculous,

please go to bbc.co.uk/animalantics to find out how to send them in.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd