Grounds for Divorce Are You Being Served?

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Morning, all.

Mr Harman, as Captain Peacock isn't here, I feel it is up to me to tell

you that I don't want you on the floor at this time in the morning.

My wife will be pleased to hear that. She is a very jealous woman.

HE SINGS TO HIMSELF

Who told you he was short-sighted?

Orders from above.

To enhance the sale of the costume all-purpose spectacles, they

are to go on display at all possible occasions.

And you are on commission.

Oh, hang on a minute. Here, try those on.

How do I look?

Oh, yes, people will respect you wearing those.

-They make you look important.

-I'll have them.

Mr Harman, get off the floor.

On second thoughts, you can have them.

Mrs Slocombe, Mr Humphries,

you should know better than to gather centre floor for a chat.

As a matter of fact, we was discussing why you were late.

Yes, we was worried about you, wasn't we?

We were about to phone the hospitals and the police station.

And Battersea Dogs' Home.

It is just eight minutes past nine. Hardly cause for panic.

That spectacle display should have been ready first thing.

I'm sorry, Colonel. Would you be looking for a new pair yourself?

Or will you be sticking to your normal Neville Chamberlains?

I shall be looking for a new member of packing

-if you don't leave the floor.

-Just going, my lord.

PHONE RINGS

-DEEP VOICE:

-Menswear.

Oh, Mrs Peacock. Yes, yes, he's here. It's for you, Captain Peacock.

Yes?

I have until five o'clock to decide. We agreed that.

Yes, well, I can't speak in front of my staff.

Don't all stand there gaping. Get back to your counters.

The other side.

Well...

I can't talk now. I have to go. Goodbye.

Captain Peacock, normally I would acquiesce with your command to

return to my counter but if you are in any trouble, and I am

unanimous in this, I would like you to know that we are all behind you.

I'm not in any sort of trouble.

If you're not, why is that muscle in your neck twitching?

-I repeat, I have no problems whatsoever.

-I wouldn't say that.

-Rumbold's on the warpath.

-Peacock?

-Yes, Mr Rumbold?

It is well after opening time and I find you wearing your hat and coat.

I can only conclude that you are late and setting a very bad example.

If I may speak, Mr Rumbold, Captain Peacock isn't late.

He was modelling this hat and coat for a customer.

But it is his hat and coat.

Yes, he was showing the customer how well they wear.

-Well, where is the customer?

-They have gone away to think about it.

I'm sorry but you have been late three times this week

and a fourth time would have meant a severe reprimand.

Oh, what poppycock! We are not still at school, you know.

Really, Peacock, I won't be spoken to in that manner in front of the staff.

And neither will I. And if you continue to get up my nose,

I shall be forced to mention the number of days

you leave early by the back entrance.

Peacock, you are pushing my patience to its limits.

Really?

I may seem a good-natured person

but I must warn you I am capable of blowing my top.

Judging by appearances, you have already blown it.

I really don't think senior management should

engage in this kind of exchange in front of counter staff.

Don't mind us, we are enjoying it.

I shall expect an apology before I leave.

Will that be at 5pm or are you slipping out early again?

-That will be all. Get back to your places.

-You told him.

Oh, do you know, I am really proud to be on your floor.

I may not be on this floor much longer.

I am thinking of making a change.

Don't say that. It wouldn't be the same without you.

PHONE RINGS

-DEEP VOICE:

-Menswear.

Accounts? Yes, Miss... Miss Bagnold. Just a moment.

Captain Peacock?

This is rather a private matter, if you wouldn't mind.

Come along, everyone, away from the phone.

I told you not to phone me.

Yes, yes, she knows everything.

Well, almost everything.

No, no. I haven't made up my mind one way or the other.

Listen, I think

it was most unwise of you to get a position with this firm.

We can be near each other after hours.

No.

No, I am not leaving the floor. Now, Edna, you must not come down here.

Now listen, I am putting the phone down now.

Now, please, do not ring me again.

I hope none of you heard that.

ALL: Pardon?

I said I hope none of you heard that.

-Of course not.

-Which Miss Bagnold was that?

I expect the new one in accounts with the big knockers.

I hope this tittle-tattle doesn't go any further.

Oh, don't worry, you can trust us.

Well, I...

I have a slight problem but I'm sure I can...

I can settle it all right.

I would be obliged if you didn't mention it again.

-It's rather delicate.

-Mum's the word.

-I hope not.

PHONE RINGS

Yes, who is it this time?

Oh, Mrs Peacock.

You don't want to disturb him? No. But you want to know what?

Are you on or off for tonight?

Tell her I haven't made up my mind.

Hello? Whatever it is, he hasn't made up his mind.

You'll be here at five o'clock anyway?

She has hung up.

I take it you're not on the best of terms with Mrs Peacock.

That is correct. Now, if you don't mind,

let us continue with our business as normal.

Oh, poor Captain Peacock. I thought he was under a strain.

-You can always tell when a man's got something worrying him.

-How?

He looks furtive.

Well, what do you think is up?

Well, it's clear that he has got a problem at home.

-And not for the first time.

-Oh.

What about this Miss Bagnold from the accounts? She only joined this week.

-Yes, well, obviously he has known her before.

-Oh!

Do you mean known in the biblical sense? Or just socially?

Oh, well, nowadays it's the same thing.

But obviously she is preying on his mind.

I wonder who he is thinking about now.

His wife or Miss Bagnold?

I sincerely hope it is his wife.

But when people get to middle age, you know, they get desperate.

They feel their youth escaping,

the chill wind of autumn has started to blow.

Well, I know that's how I felt.

And did you kick over the traces when you felt the chill wind of autumn?

No. I bought some thick knickers.

Stephen. Psst.

I must talk to you.

-Not now.

-I'm not leaving until you do.

Oh!

Mr Humphries, are you free?

I'm free.

Would you take the floor for a moment?

I have to discuss a matter with a member of the accounts department.

Did you see that?

It's like Dallas.

He is asking for trouble.

If you ask me, he has got it. The lift's stuck...

The lift's stuck between floors.

-What's going on?

-More like what's going off?

No, no, I mean generally, between them.

He hasn't confided in me.

Obviously, he's thinking about leaving home for this other woman.

She has only come to light since she joined accounts to be near him.

And I expect, like most men,

he doesn't mind a bit of shilly-shally on the side.

As long as it is away from home.

Or away from work.

Oh, some men like it at work.

You denied everything when they fired Mr Bentall.

We all denied everything when they fired Mr Bentall.

The point is that Captain Peacock's in a bit of a spot

and I think we ought to stick by him.

Yes, but if he won't confide in us, what can we do?

Well, we'll find an opportunity to have a chat with him

and assess his situation and try and advise him the best way we can.

What a good idea.

Now, see, I'll sit next to him in the canteen and draw him out.

You lot pretend to be chatting amongst yourselves.

It's probably just a passing crush this woman has got on him.

It will all be over by coffee time.

I think it's going to take a bit longer than that.

Captain Peacock, would it help to have a woman's opinion?

Don't talk to me about women. I have had women up to here.

I've never seen one that tall.

Be quiet.

No, I mean about your problem.

I mean, it is clear that you

and Mrs Peacock aren't getting on as well as might be at the moment.

Are you surprised? We have been married for over 30 years.

Well, you are bound to have your ups and downs.

I mean, my marriage had its ups and downs for years.

In fact, for the last few, there were hardly any ups at all.

I'm afraid... I'm afraid mine has got to the point where

I have either got to go now or stay for ever and make the best of it.

The trouble is, I can't go.

Why not?

This is just between us.

I don't care who knows.

Except Spooner.

I'll put some buns on my ears.

You look like an underdone hamburger.

The problem is... The problem is my wife won't give me a divorce.

-Have you asked for one?

-What an idiotic question. Of course I have.

It is not just for myself, you understand.

I think it would be better for her. I have changed over the years.

I am not the same gay, carefree fellow I was when we first met.

You're certainly not as carefree.

Then I met Miss Bagnold at the golf club.

-Was this recent?

-No.

Two summers ago. An old Army chum and his wife introduced us

and we had a foursome that was most enjoyable.

Hang on, I need some more buns.

Then it turned out that Miss Bagnold and I have the same handicap.

Oh, you was both married?

Golf handicap.

She was single, had a good job in a bank - the Midland.

And, like a fool, I opened an account there

and I always seemed to find myself at her window.

Well, she became infatuated and, I think, so did I.

Soon, the entire Midland Bank knew about it.

Well, it is the listening bank.

I found that I was thinking about her more and more and,

unfortunately, I talked in my sleep.

And apparently I kept repeating my account number.

-My wife got suspicious.

-How do you know?

She hit me with the bedside lamp.

What did you do?

Opened an account at the National Westminster and asked for a divorce.

Of course, no wonder you have been looking peaky.

The divorce is playing on your mind.

No, no, no. As I said, my wife refuses to give me a divorce.

On the contrary, she wants to forget the whole episode

-and give it another try.

-Wouldn't it be worth giving it another try?

Well, I thought so.

Until Miss Bagnold gave up her former position

-and joined the accounts department here.

-She shouldn't have done that.

As long as I don't see her I am fine.

But the sight of that desperate face plays old Harry with my conscience.

-And I realise what a swine I have been.

-The strain must be awful.

Oh, you don't know the anguish of making two women unhappy.

No, no, I need a change.

If you was younger, you could go off and join the Foreign Legion.

That did cross my mind.

Forgetting it all with a tough bunch of men.

It's crossed my mind occasionally.

But, well, when you get to my age, it's too late.

What are you going to do?

Well, whatever I do, I've got to do it today.

I promised my wife that I'd make a decision one way or the other

and as she is arriving here at 5pm, well,

I expect there is only one course open to me.

I should try the fire exit cos here's Miss Bagnold.

Stephen, I must talk to you.

Leave this to me. I'll deal with her.

Not now, Miss Bagnold, I'm having my coffee with my staff.

I've decided that, if you won't leave your wife,

-there's only one thing left for me to do.

-Return to the bank?

No, I shall wait for you for ever.

No man can ever take your place.

Wherever you go, I shall be there.

Such is my love for you and I don't care who knows it.

Just a moment, Miss Bagnold,

you are not the only one that loves Captain Peacock, you know.

Eh?

He is very popular here so don't be selfish.

Does your heart tremble when he takes your hand?

Does your day suddenly fill with a rainbow when he smiles?

Do you want to hold him in your arms and kiss him like this?

You have got a submission.

Excuse me. Excuse me. I only said he was very popular.

I don't know him as well as that.

Oh, well, that's it, I shall have to offer my resignation.

-I can't stay here now.

-You will do nothing of the sort.

-If anybody goes, it is her.

-Just a minute, I've got an idea.

How about if she found you with another woman?

Then she would go mad and go off you.

Yes, yes, if she found out how shallow you are, she would leave.

I don't want to hurt her. She really is in love.

You know, I have often thought how much easier it would be to be

a woman. They lead much more straightforward lives than we do.

Everything is in black and white to them.

SHOUTING: You've got to be cruel to be... Sorry.

You've got to be cruel to be kind. I mean, you'll be doing her a favour.

I've often done it to get rid of birds.

Huh! You? You've never had a bird to get rid of.

I'll have you know I have them banging on my door every night.

Yeah, trying to get out.

No, you know, there might be something in it.

Well, it might work but how can we arrange it?

Well, you could be kissing Mrs Slocombe in the fitting room.

And I'll get Miss Bagnold down on the floor on some pretext.

Ask for change for the till. That's always a good one.

Well, would she be jealous of Mrs Slocombe?

Well, if we were in a passionate embrace.

Don't you think she might be more inclined to be jealous

if I was in a passionate embrace with Miss Brahms?

No, Miss Brahms looks too easy.

Ow!

I mean, Mrs Slocombe's got that sort of unobtainable quality about her.

No-one would believe anyone would be kissing her

unless they was really serious.

Ow! Leave it out.

Here, actually, he might be right, you know.

Yes, well, we'll keep that as a last resort.

Firstly, I'm going to have to speak to Mr Rumbold

and see if he can get Miss Bagnold moved to another branch.

She quite clearly... She can't control herself working here.

Can I ask you a personal question?

Hm?

What exactly do you do to get them in this state?

Well, that's just it, I don't do anything.

Neither do I.

It doesn't seem to have the same effect.

I can't just ask accounts to transfer Miss Bagnold without a good reason.

I assure you, I have a good reason.

But it's not one I can discuss in front of your secretary.

I know the reason. You are in love with her.

I am not in love with her.

It's all over the store. It's even written on the wall of the ladies'.

Is it indeed?

We must have it off as soon as possible.

You have seen it too.

Do I gather that you, a married man, have been Casanova-ing around?

No. I mean, unfortunately, that Miss Bagnold is more than

infatuated with me, which is causing me great embarrassment.

-Does your wife know?

-Yes. As a matter of fact, I have asked for a divorce.

Ah, so you can marry Miss Bagnold.

Miss Bagnold is driving me mad.

Oh, and you said I drove you mad.

Ah, you want to marry Miss Belfridge.

I strongly advise against it.

The age gap - it would never work.

I don't want to marry anyone.

-Well, why ask for a divorce?

-Because I've had enough.

It would appear more than enough.

Oh, Miss Belfridge, I think you had better leave.

-This is clearly a very personal matter.

-It's getting a bit late now.

-She's heard everything.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

Well, I'm sorry, I can't help you.

Your executive tea and biscuits, sir.

Ah, I see you're entertaining The Red Shadow.

Miss Bagnold's looking for you.

I do not wish to discuss my private life with cellar people.

Well, you're the talk of the store.

They're calling you the Robert Redford of ready-mades.

In packing, they're running a book.

5 to 1 that you run off with Miss Bagnold.

That will do, Mr Harman.

You can see how intolerable my position is becoming.

I won't let you do it. I'll stand by you, Stephen.

I'll make a note of that.

20 to 1, Miss Belfridge. An outsider but a lot of form.

Right, I have phoned Miss Bagnold.

I have told her we need some change for the till.

Now, when she comes down on the floor, she will ask where you are.

I shall lower my eyes shiftily. Like this.

Oh, yes, that's shifty.

And then I shall blurt out, "He's in there but don't go in!"

And then she will find us in a clinch

-and she will go right off you.

-I'm sure she will.

I'll make it as realistic as I can.

And I'll attempt to do the same.

-Well, come on, let's have a quick practice.

-Very well.

Now then, do you want it on the floor or shall we be standing up?

I'm not a sex maniac. I just suffer from the odd infatuation.

-I think standing up will be quite sufficient.

-Right, well, come on.

Let's have a quick one.

I...I...I don't think we should smudge your lipstick

until we get the word from Mr Humphries.

Yes, but we must rehearse which way round we are going to do it.

What do you mean, "which way round"?

Well, I mean do you want my left arm around your right shoulder

or vice versa?

I mean, usually, when I kiss people good night,

I have got my handbag over my right arm

so I hang my umbrella on it and I put my right arm round their necks.

Like this.

How... How often do you kiss people good night?

Well, when someone gives one a lift home from the pub,

they expect a bit of a canoodle.

That seems a satisfactory position. All we have to do now is wait.

SHE SNIFFS

Mmm, what's that aftershave?

-It's just my usual.

-Mmm, it's lovely.

You know, looking at you from this angle, Stephen,

you are really a very attractive man.

-I can quite see what they all see in you.

-Can you?

And I suppose, looking at me so close,

you can see what some of them see in me as well.

Yes, even from here, I can see it.

No, don't put your face there.

-All the powder will come off.

-It will make her more jealous.

-Oh!

-Where is Captain Peacock? I have got good news for him.

-What is it?

I have just phoned the accounts department.

Apparently Miss Bagnold is not very satisfactory

and they are giving her three months' notice.

I don't think he will survive three months.

I have put the money in the till. By the way, where is Captain Peacock?

I want a word with him. It's no business of yours, Miss Bagnold.

Kindly get back to your own department.

I shall be back at going-home time.

By the way, where is Captain Peacock?

He's in there but don't go in.

That's it! That's it! Come on.

Captain Peacock, have you gone mad?

Where is Miss Bagnold?

Isn't one at a time enough?

Unless you can change your ways, you're finished at Grace Brothers.

-Oh.

-Well, really!

What are you bringing those over here for?

Let's try and sell that customer some of these glasses.

Oh, yes, our commission.

Are you trying to tell me something?

As a matter of fact, I was trying to interest you in these glasses.

They are on special offer.

Really? Well, they're a little bit ordinary.

I prefer something big and dramatic.

Something bold that makes a statement.

Oh, so do I.

Like these.

Oh!

Oh, now they do make a statement.

You can have them for a fiver.

Done.

By the way, get rid of him.

He's very bad for your image.

-He's... Ahem.

-DEEP VOICE:

-He's right, you know.

Take them off. You look ridiculous.

You know, he hasn't said a word since lunch.

You can see his mind turning over.

He keeps muttering to himself, "Shall I or shan't I?"

Here, I heard him on the phone outside the canteen,

you know, talking to his wife.

It seems she is trying to get him to go back.

Anyway, she is coming in about five to see if it's on or off.

Well, he'll have to make up his mind one way or another before then

but if she won't give him a divorce, that's that.

May I use your mirror?

There you are.

Could I try the one with the bow?

You've got it on the wrong way round.

It's the way I like it.

-I'll take it.

-Bag, Miss Brahms.

-And I'd like to look at some tights as well.

-Size?

-Large.

Large tights, Miss Brahms.

Colour?

Something dark. Without seams.

-I just had a terrible thought.

-What?

You know you said there was no way Captain Peacock would get a divorce

-unless he changed completely?

-Mm.

-I think he's found a way of doing it.

-What way?

-Well, it's been done before.

-What has?

Well, he's had all these terrible problems with women.

I mean, it's not easy being a man. I should know.

You don't think he is thinking of changing, do you?

Well, he has already tried two hats and now he's into the underwear.

He's come unhinged.

It's always the strong ones.

-There is one thing I can do before it's too late.

-What's that?

Talk him out of it.

Well, I'll take the hat and the underwear.

-Now, do you have a smart skirt? Something short.

-How short?

Well, about there.

No, not to there.

They're not fashionable any more, you know.

Ladies, to cocktail parties, are wearing trousers

and a smart white shirt and a little tie.

Well, I think a short skirt is more fun.

And it'll go with this blouse.

Oh, very nice. A bit see-through, isn't it?

Well, perhaps a black one.

Like that one over there.

Thank you.

Hmm. Are ladies wearing collars this high?

Ladies are, yes. But I don't think anybody else is.

Put them both in my bag, will you, and put it all on my staff account?

Oh, those suspender belts look rather fun.

Yes, I'll take stockings instead of tights.

Which one do you want? The white frilly one or the pink frilly one?

The black frilly one.

-They're rather common.

-But fun.

Don't argue with the customer, Miss Brahms, just put them in a bag.

-Yes, Mrs Slocombe. There you are.

-Thank you.

-Would you look after the floor, Mr Humphries?

-Yes, Captain Peacock.

-I wonder what he wants with that lot.

-Oh, don't you know?

He has found the only way he can get a divorce.

Mark my words, that lot's on its way

for a wild weekend in Brighton with someone.

With that lot, you could have a wild weekend by yourself.

You know, I did wonder and then I thought,

"No, not Captain Peacock."

Well, not with that moustache.

Well, his wife won't want him in the house dressed like that.

-She'll be sure to give him a divorce.

-Yes, but to go to those lengths?

Oh, no, I don't believe it.

Unless they're for Miss Bagnold.

She is about that size.

-Or Miss Belfridge.

-I bet it's Miss Bagnold.

He has decided to chuck it all in and make hay while he can.

Well, anyway, his wife's coming in about five. It's nearly that now.

Mind you, there's going to be fireworks.

Oh, well, stand by for blasting.

Here's Miss Bagnold for the showdown.

-You know, it's the busiest Tuesday I've known.

-Where is Stephen?

He's in the fitting room. I'll get him for you.

Captain Peacock? Are you free?

I'm free.

No! Not you! Not Stephen!

Say it isn't you.

I'm afraid it is, Miss Bagnold.

I never want to see you again.

Thank heavens for that.

So that's why you did it.

Not entirely, no.

Oh, it's Mrs Peacock.

-Stephen?

-Ah, there you are.

Darling, I've made up my mind.

I'm very glad to hear it. And may I say you look wonderful?

Thank you, my dear. And so do you.

Have I missed something?

I gave him one last chance.

We had tickets for a fancy dress ball in Chelsea and if he decided

to go with me, it meant that he would stay with me for ever.

Have you got any more tickets?

Two, actually.

Thank you. There is a little number I've been dying to try for ages.

Mrs Slocombe, are you free?

Yes, if you'll help me with my dicky and studs.

Thank goodness we are all back to normal. Come on.

# Ground floor - perfumery Stationery and leather goods

# Wigs and haberdashery Kitchenware and food. Going up!

# First floor - telephones Gents' ready-made suits

# Shirts, socks, ties, hats Underwear and shoes. Going up!

# Second floor - carpets Travel goods and bedding

# Materials, soft furnishing Restaurant and teas. Going down!

# First floor - telephones Gents' ready-made suits

# Shirts, socks, ties, hats Underwear and shoes. Going down!

# Ground floor - perfumery Stationery and leather goods

# Wigs and haberdashery Kitchenware and food. Going up! #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd