Live in London Asian Network Comedy

Welcome to BBC Asian Network's

Big Comedy Night. CHEERING

Please put your hands together for your host, Tommy Sandhu.

CHEERING

That's right.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome, welcome, welcome.

Welcome! Yes!

Yes, welcome along to Asian Network's Big Comedy Night.

CHEERING

We are in for a treat tonight. Thank you very much for joining me.

My name's Tommy Sandhu,

from the Breakfast Show on the BBC Asian Network.

And thank you for tuning into the Breakfast Show,

and all the shows on the Asian Network

because you lot have now made the Asian Network

the number one Asian station in the whole of the UK!

CHEERING Number one!

Ladies and gentlemen,

give a warm welcome to your next act this evening.

He's a lovable guy.

He's been doing great things since he started comedy in 2010.

Since then I saw him at Edinburgh Fringe Festival last year.

He absolutely tore it up.

He's absolutely adorable and lovable and very smart-looking tonight.

Give it up for Tez Ilyas.

CHEERING

ENTRANCE MUSIC: "Dil Dil Pakistan" by Vital Signs

Good evening, London. Are you well?

CHEERING Oh, you sound delicious.

This is nice, isn't it? Hi!

This is beautiful. Look at you all.

Huh, Dil Dil Pakistan, eh? Eh?!

Guess where I'm from. Eh?

Lancashire. LAUGHTER

I love my mum, right. I'm sure we all love our mums, right?

But it feels like we're constantly arguing about stuff.

We never get on.

Right, like, for the past couple of years, right,

she's been trying to convince me to get an arranged marriage.

Trying to convince me to get an arranged marriage.

Me.

And I'm the one, then, who has to explain to her that...

"Mum, how can you ask me to get an arranged marriage

"when you're the one who has been telling me growing up,

"'Don't speak to strangers.' How is that going to work?!"

It's not going to work, is it?

Oh, she was really strict about my grades growing up.

I'm sure people in here are probably familiar with that.

Like, irrationally strict.

Like, I remember once I got a letter posted home, right, from school.

And she's opened it, even though it's got my name on it.

That's the sort of... sort of person she is, right?

And she's opened it and she's looking at it

and she's found something she doesn't like. Right?

And I'm upstairs, right, playing Sega Mega Drive,

cos that's how old I am.

And she's like... PAKISTANI ACCENT: "Get down now."

And I come downstairs like, "Mum, what's going on?

"Why are you shouting?"

"What is this? What is this rubbish? B-?

"Why you get B- in this test? I want only As in this house.

"What is this?"

I'm like, "Mum, let me see that. Let me have a look."

"What is this?

"It's my blood test, Mum!"

LAUGHTER

"I can't..."

"I can't resit this!"

"No, I want As!"

Irrational. Right, but she's quite smart as well, right?

Cos over Christmas we were arguing

because we were watching Doctor Who

and when the old Doctor turned into the new Doctor,

I just let out a bit of a sigh. I was like...

And she goes, "What is your problem?"

And I'm like, "Mum, it's nothing. It's just that, you know,

"I thought I could be the next Doctor...

"in Doctor Who."

And she goes, "What are you talking about?"

And I'm like, "Listen, Mum, just because...

"like, I'm never going to be the first Asian James Bond. All right?

"That's not going to be me..."

Or any of us. Right?

"But with, you know, Doctor Who,

"I thought I could have been the first...

"the very first Asian Doctor."

And she's like,

"There's loads of Asian doctors, what the hell are you talking about?!"

Irrational but smart.

Some of you have enjoyed that, right? But I've got a bit of a confession.

My mum doesn't actually have an accent.

I just like to show that I've got range.

LAUGHTER

These things, right, being Pakistani and being British,

sometimes they're hard to reconcile.

They don't always complement each other very well.

Like, there's different clothes, there's different foods,

there's different prejudices even, there's different celebrations.

Give me a cheer if you enjoy Christmas.

SOME CHEER That's a few of you,

more than I thought there'd be.

But Christmas is a weird time of year.

Cos I love Christmas

but I don't really celebrate it, being Pakistani Muslim.

It's kind of not really in our zone. But I love that time.

And in particular what I really love about Christmas is Santa Claus.

I love Father Christmas. Right?

I love the idea of this man going around the world

giving presents to children who've been good throughout the year.

I think that's amazing.

I was thinking, like, in Islam, like, we don't have a Santa Claus.

Where's our Uncle Eid?

Where's our guy?

Where's Chacha Christmas?! Where is this guy?

And then I gave it too much thought

and I figured out why we don't have one in Islam.

Cos, guys, if you took...

if you took a fat, Asian or Arabic-looking guy,

with a beard and some robes, right...

There he is. Right?

It's just a Muslim guy, isn't it?

LAUGHTER

Any Muslim guy.

And if you take this Muslim guy and you put him in a flying sled,

right, with a sack full of "toys",

led by seven flying animals...

camels, one imagines, Miss...

and he sets off...

He's gone to deliver his Eid presents.

How long do you think he's going to last

in European or American airspace?

LAUGHTER

He's not, is he?

"And that is why we don't have Father Christmas in Islam."

Thanks, Mum - great story.

You guys have been genuinely wonderful.

If you did like my jokes, or even just my politics...

LAUGHTER

..then you can follow me.

Um... I'm going to leave in, like, ten minutes, so just...

LAUGHTER

Can't get this thing to work.

There we go.

Guys, I've been Tez Ilyas - enjoy the rest of your night! Good night.

CHEERING

What is up, ladies and gentlemen -

how are you feeling tonight?

CHEERING

Good evening, good evening.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen -

the poorest Mittal you will ever meet in Europe, right here.

But it is such a pleasure to be here, it is such a pleasure

to be here. As an Indian who gets to travel often,

I worry.

I worry because of the racial discrimination

and the profiling and of course

nobody hates Indians abroad more than other Indians abroad.

But I love London. What a great, fantastic place to be in.

Because we had the Olympics in 2012 in London -

can we have a round of applause for that?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What a momentous occasion.

And like every other momentous occasion,

in the UK, you know,

they dusted off the Queen...

from the shelf

and brought her out...

on display.

I've realised the Queen is kind of like Britain's child.

Because the moment there's any major world event, they're like...

SHE SPEAKS IN OWN LANGUAGE

India, China, Greece...

So nice, no? We are paying for her classes.

The Indian woman is supposed to be quiet, demure,

conservative.

Be seen, not heard. Correct?

Maybe that's why it takes six metres of cloth to make a sari, which is

about four metres more than a burka.

And yet we manage to leave this much uncovered.

And then this next subject, I want to talk to you guys about,

I have realised that saying the words "sanitary napkins"

in public

is like standing in a Hogwarts common room and saying Voldemort.

Immediately, everyone is like, "Gee, what's wrong with her?

"Shameless!"

But you have got to acknowledge

what a miracle of technology these things are.

There's gel, channels, crystals,

wings!

Leak lock systems.

Ladies, once a month, there is science in your chaddi!

LAUGHTER

And as you all can tell

from my ample Punjabi thighs...

..I hated PE period.

PE period was basically physical education

and I was the fat kid, chosen for no games.

Running with those horrible shorts,

thighs chaffing away to heart's glory.

And so when I hit puberty, I was like, "boom!"

Cos what is a dude named Sir possibly going to say

when you go up to him and you're like, Sir...

He's like, "Please, go and sit inside class,

"don't come anywhere near me, of course...

"Stand right there."

Now they have these ads where these chicks are doing gymnastics,

climbing a mountain, fighting a tiger!

I'm like, "Don't tell them we can do this!"

My name is Aditi Mittal, thank you so much!

I like doing comedy because you get the opportunity to travel around,

you get to go to places like Luton...

No, I was in India. Anyone been to India?

WHOOPS

Yeah! Was it like this? "Hallo!"

But like, with a billion of us, right?

But I was in India

and the audiences were a complete opposite to the Kiwis.

I was doing a bit of my show where I said, "Who would like

"to come up on stage and learn how to do an impression?

"I need one volunteer to come up on stage

"and I'll teach you how to do an impression.

"I need one man to come up on stage," and it was packed like this, right?

All the Indian men jumped off their seat, "I'll do it, yeah, come on!

"Teach me!"

IMITATES SCUFFLES

I want to do the Homer Simpson. Please do Homer Simpson.

APPLAUSE

And that guy absolutely floored me, I was in absolute hysterics

because I thought an Indian Homer Simpson...

Because he'd freak the hell out of Apu

when he goes to the Kwik-E-Mart, wouldn't he?

"Homer Simpson, how can I help you?" I would like some Duff beer.

"Stop making fun of my voice." I'm not making fun of your voice.

"Get out of my shop!" D'oh!

APPLAUSE

Very enthusiastic - just like you guys!

So that's great.

Folks, because we have a time restriction,

I'm going to mix up my show a bit.

I'm going to do some impressions - do you like impressions?

Great, cos there's nothing else happening, I'm going to do

some impressions, you've got no choice, really - strap yourselves in!

To do that, though, we're going to have to get an assistant.

Give a round of applause and bring out our fabulous host.

Wonderful guy and a good friend, Mr Tommy Sandhu.

CHEERING

What was that?!

- THAT was my sexy assistant walk. - That was your sexy assistant walk?

I was trying to sex up the act a little bit.

- Sex up the act a bit? - Yeah, man!

That was his impression of sexy...

What I have here, folks, is a deck of cards.

On each card is a famous name from the movies

that I'm going to impersonate.

What I'd like you to do, please, sir,

is you say the name on the card, I'll do the impression.

- You guys ready for this? - AUDIENCE: Yes!

- Are you ready for this? - YES!

- All right, take it away. - The movie trailer voice man.

I love the movie trailer voice man - no-one knows what he looks like,

but we all know what sounds like, right?

Coming, this summer, Titanic, now in 3-D -

hopefully, this time they'll see the iceberg.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

ET.

I just watched ET again recently and thought ET was really lucky

that he arrived when he did the first time, back in the 1980s,

because kids were nice then, weren't they?

Think about it, right -

if ET came back NOW

and he met a bunch of kids wearing hoodies...

he wouldn't have the same reception, would he?

He'd be like, "ET phone home".

They'd just snatch his phone and stab him, like, "Ouch, ouch,

"ouch, ouch, ouch! Ouch! Pff!"

Poor ET.

(Stay awa-a-a-ay.)

Daffy Duck.

Listen, Busther, thso, you're the director. Hoo-hoo!

If you just take the lisp away and tighten the voice, the whole thing

sounds like Richard Dreyfuss from Jaws and I'm telling you,

I can't work with this goddamn shark any more, Steven,

it's driving me insane. Hm-hm!

- Austin Powers. - Very groovy, baby.

You're heading for a smacked bottom, yeah!

I love Austin Powers, right, but he's a bit over the top, isn't he?

Like, you wouldn't want to live with him, would you?

You'd be like, Austin, what would you like for breakfast?

"Waffles, baby - yeah!"

IMITATES GUNSHOT Ooh, wounded.

Homer Simpson.

Hey, everybody - it's Homer Simpson. You guys like beer?

Maybe pizza? Maybe burgers?

IMITATES PHONE RINGING Hello?

"Hey, Homer - it's Marge, where are you?"

Hey, Marge, you should get down here.

It's the Asian Network BBC Comedy Show. It's great.

It's so much fun.

It's like Apu and his whole family.

LAUGHTER

Jeff Goldblum.

A lot of people come up to me

and go, "Hey, Anil - you look like that Hollywood actor

"from Jurassic Park".

You look like Jeff Goldblum. TOMMY LAUGHS

Thanks!

I know what they mean, right?

I've got the Jeff Goldblum eyes.

I'd be more like a LITTLE Jeff Goldblum - well, of course,

when I meet new people, I get excited, I get loud,

I realise I don't know what I'm talking about, right there,

thank you very much... Of course, you might recognise me

from the cult horror film I did, The Flea.

See, I did that joke in Australia,

this guy goes, "Oh, it's The Fly, mate."

And I was going...

"I know it's The Fly, because BIG Jeff Goldblum did The Fly.

"I was being LITTLE Jeff Goldblum and I said The Flea,

"because that's a clever joke, right?"

And the guy went, "Yeah, but it's still The Fly, mate".

- Gandhi. - Gandhi.

Whatever happened to Gandhi?

Because he made one good film, didn't he?

I don't even have an impression, I just like doing that joke.

James Stewart.

Actually, James Stewart is one of those older actors.

He was in a lot of Hitchcock films and Western movies.

First, you've got to start with a croaky voice there, first.

Then you've got to get the stutter,

see? A-And then you've got to get LOUD.

And when you raise those eyebrows and show that smile,

w-well, everything is going to be all right.

And if you slow it down,

I did not have sexual relations with that woman...

APPLAUSE

- Amazing. That's the lot! - Thanks, Tommy!

So I can tell you a story - something that happened to me recently.

I was doing a gig and I was in the middle of an impression -

I was doing my Eddie Murphy as the donkey in Shrek -

and this guy in the audience decided to heckle me

whilst I was in the middle of an impression,

which had never happened to me before and this is what happened.

Hey, Shrek - we're going to see the Princess, right?

Yeah, we're going to see the Princess.

Hey, come on, Shrek - hey, Shrek, you're going the wrong way, man...

Oh, Shrek - oh, Shrek, there's a big dragon behind me, Shrek.

HONKING LAUGH

I believe that children are our future,

teach them well and let them lead the way... Shrek!

And then this guy gets up from the audience, he goes,

"it sounds like all the other black guys!"

Ooh!

And 150 people went... Wff!

Looked at him, wff! Looked at me, went,

"What are you going to say, funny man?"

And I stood there, frozen on the spot and I thought two things - one,

I don't think this guy is going to get out of this comedy club alive.

Because he's still got to get past the security guy on the door...

MOUTHS: ..who's black.

LAUGHTER

..and two, I was deeply offended as an impressionist,

because he just said they all sound the same.

I decided to stay on stage as Eddie Murphy.

And this is what happened next.

What was that? I heard what you said. Yeah, I heard what you said.

He said all black people sound the same, right? That's what you said.

All black people sound the same. Yeah, I heard what you said, man.

You said all black people sound the same. That's what you said, man.

I heard what you said, yeah. HONKING LAUGH

And then Chris Rock jumped up...

He was like, I can't believe you just said what you said.

If a white dude said that in my neighbourhood, he wouldn't turn up

for work the next day - because he'd be DEAD!

Then Samuel L Jackson jumped up... What?

I don't remember asking you a goddamn thing.

Say that again.

I dare you. I double-dare you.

Then Nelson Mandela jumped out,

I did not spend 30 years on Robben Island for this!

And then Bill Cosby jumped out at me, you people are swearing far too much.

To this man who clearly has no idea what he's talking about.

APPLAUSE

And the guy got up

and he apologised to me

and everybody else in the room

and I've never seen him at a comedy club ever again.

LAUGHTER

Folks, you've been absolutely delightful.

I've had a great time hanging out with you.

Ladies, I just want to say, if you are single, I'm single.

If you want to hang out with a guy like me,

then I can be any man you want me to be.

I've been Anil Desai - guys,

you've got a great headline act coming up. Thank you.

I was honoured to be headlining this,

but then I realised they just decided to put the darkest act on last.

APPLAUSE

Don't applaud that, it's racist, mate.

I don't want to put you under any pressure before I start,

but I do have children.

And how I treat them is very much determined by how these shows go.

LAUGHTER

What I'm saying is, if you don't laugh enough,

someone is getting a head clap, all right? So just...

Maybe the little one, because he looks like his mum.

I am married, my wife is white,

I'm genuinely Asian, I haven't just browned up for this show.

My wife recently said to me, "Romesh, I thought

"marriage would be more exciting than this."

It's not, and apparently the reason it's not is because of me -

it's my fault. The reason it's my fault is because I'm a vegan.

Are there any vegans in?

Two of you?

The rest of you enjoy life.

I am hungry all of the time.

I was vegetarian up until about eight months ago.

I said to my wife, "I'm thinking about becoming vegan."

She said to me, "You can't become vegan, moron.

"Nobody's going to invite us round for dinner.

"We're going to be so awkward." I thought, what better reason...

to become a vegan than to not go to people's houses for dinner?

I hate it!

My wife decided to organise a dinner party for me

because she saw me watching Come Dine With Me.

Because when I saw her watching the news,

I booked her a weekend trip to Syria.

I mean, she's not back.

And the fact of the matter is, I'm going to be honest with you,

vegetarian food is rubbish. That's not just my opinion, that's a fact.

I'll tell you why it's a fact - the vegetarian food industry,

they admit it. They admit it because they make vegetarian food that looks

and tastes like meat. That's the biggest admission going.

I've never seen it happening the other way.

I've never seen a pork chop masquerading as a nut loaf -

it doesn't happen.

I don't understand the logic behind it.

I don't want to eat meat, but I want my vegetarian food to look

and taste as much like meat as possible. Why is that OK?

It's like saying I don't like racism, but I find it quite exciting,

so sometimes I get my friends to black up and I shout abuse at them.

LAUGHTER

I sort of came to the realisation that maybe I don't even know

if I want to be a vegetarian or a vegan -

maybe I just want to think that I'm being vegan.

I was at a wedding a while ago.

Obviously they do what they normally do -

partway through proceedings bring out an Indian buffet.

Soak up the booze.

Somebody's dancing like a moron, throw a bhaji at them.

That's the strategy.

So I'm eating this onion bhaji and thinking to myself,

"I can't believe that anyone would want to eat food with animals in it

"when there's wonderful food like this that DOESN'T have animals in it.

I said to my mate, "Aren't these onion bhajis amazing?"

He said, "Yes, mate, yes, they are. But they're lamb pakoras."

LAUGHTER

And it was at that point that I realised

this is what onion bhajis have been missing all this time.

Put some lamb in, don't tell anyone.

I went out a while ago to watch the football.

I'm an Arsenal fan - my problem...

CHEERING

The rest of you, I don't care what you think, all right?

My issue with Arsenal Football Club is how much they charge.

It's the most expensive ticket in the Premiership.

For the price of a single ticket to go and watch the Arsenal,

I could take my whole family to a farm park...

Could have lunch and tea. Go on the donkeys.

Go on the tractor ride, all for the price of one ticket.

And THAT'S why I go and watch the football.

Seriously, no way I want to do that!

I support Sri Lanka and England in the cricket.

I was supporting England up until recently - that was embarrassing.

So embarrassing, I've started telling people I'm actually an aborigine.

Just to cover it up.

As soon as it goes wrong for white people, I jet.

I don't need to hang around.

I don't know if you saw this, but the Australian cricket fans were

so cocky, this is what they did.

A group of Australia fans, during one of the tests,

smuggled a pig into the ground to release it on to the pitch.

This genuinely happened. How ballsy do you have to be to think that...

I get nervous taking Maltesers into the cinema.

These guys took a PIG into a cricket match!

But they gave it the perfect disguise,

because they put it in a pram.

They put it in a pram disguised as a kid.

The reason that's a perfect disguise,

think about the number of times you've looked at someone's kid...

Just thought, "What the hell is that?"

A few months ago, I wanted to go and watch England play football.

I just wanted to go to the pub and watch them play

and I couldn't and the reason I couldn't

is because the EDL were marching up and down the country.

The connection is not obvious, but what this means is that every

single pub has got England flags on it and I don't know why.

I don't know what I'm walking into.

I don't want to walk into a pub full of racist morons, yeah?

Or it could be the EDL.

I've got absolutely no idea...

I live near Brighton. EDL marched in Brighton.

One of the buildings they targeted on their march was

Brighton's Royal Pavilion Museum.

Because they thought it was a mosque.

What the hell do they think when they're stood outside?

"I can't believe Islam are recruiting so many elderly white ladies,

"it's disgusting!"

People are up in arms about it.

People complaining on Twitter - this genuinely happened.

The EDL were getting tweets that were meant for EDF Energy.

LAUGHTER

And vice versa, this genuinely happened!

"I'm having problems with my power." "We all are, mate.

"It's the immigrants."

"I'm worried about foreigners coming into my home."

"Can I suggest that you read your meter yourself?"

You see, I complain about that, but in the winter,

one of my favourite pastimes is to pretend to passers-by that I've

just arrived in the country.

And that I'm seeing snow for the very first time.

On a really good day, they take photographs.

So anyway, I went out to watch the football

with a group of my friends.

My friends and I are all in our 30s and we look terrible.

We look like terrible tribute acts of us in our 20s.

There's a group of guys actually in their 20s looking ripped

and amazing wearing tight shirts and that - I hate them.

And I think to myself, are they going to make us feel bad,

are they gonna make us feel like we're stepping on the turf?

The truth is, they ignore us. Of course they do!

Why would they care?

See a pride of lions hunting gazelle...

They're not going to care

when a bunch of three-legged hyena rock up, are they?

Come to the end of the night, this absolutely gorgeous girl comes out

and makes direct eye contact with me -

I think, "Hello! This is happening".

Better phone my wife, tell her I've still got it.

The girl walks up to me and does not break eye contact for a second,

says to me, no word of a lie,

"Taxi for Rachel?"

LAUGHTER

So obviously I had to tell my wife the story up until that point,

I'm not an idiot.

The truth is, I would never be a taxi driver,

because I don't like talking to strangers.

I don't mean like NOW, I mean in the street.

You know when somebody comes up to you

and tries to make friends with you?

By saying something obvious and putting "isn't it?" at the end?

"It's cold today, isn't it?"

Yeah. Now, go away.

I don't want to talk to you, you time burglar.

I'm trying to avoid friends I've already got.

Not make new ones, moron.

This happened to me - I was at a post office.

I'm at the post office, an elderly lady in front of me with a cat.

I mean, you want to sort this country out, sort that out, right?

People taking cats to the post office.

Anyway, the lady turns around and says, "Taking a long time, isn't it?"

Obviously, what she wants me to say is, "Yeah. Yeah, it is."

She doesn't want to have a genuine conversation.

She doesn't want me to say, well, no.

I don't think it IS taking that long a time.

But I can understand why your perception of time is

different to mine, being you have so little of it left.

She doesn't want to hear that.

And it's not because people are horrible, people are nice,

but life keeps telling me, "Don't talk to them, Rom."

I'll give you an example.

I was on my way to a concert at the O2 a while ago.

I'm not showing off, things are going all right.

On the train into London, I'm talking to my mate on the phone,

a bit of banter.

A little bit of bants. Yeah?

No? OK.

I said to him,

"How will I know which one is the O2?"

HEARTY LAUGH

It's not excellent, I'm just trying to oil the wheels of...

FRENCH ACCENT: ..conversation.

This woman opposite me on the train, she looked at me and says,

"It looks like a big tent!"

So a) she thought I really didn't know what it looked like.

And b) she thought I wouldn't recognise it when I got there,

like I might just knock on the door of somebody's house in London.

And go, "Is Dizzee Rascal in here, or what? What's going on?"

But obviously the woman is trying to help me.

She's trying to reach out to me.

I don't want to be horrible here, so I thought how can I respond to her

in a way that makes it look like that was the right thing for her to do?

So I turned to her and I said...

STRONG ACCENT: ..thank you very much for the information.

And then I remembered that she had heard the rest of the conversation.

So I just looked like a nutcase.

Ladies and gentlemen, that's almost my time. You genuinely have been -

I'm not just saying this, either - adequate. So thank you so much...

I really mean that. I don't always say that. I leave you with this.

I don't like going out with my children - it's not

because of my children, I love my children, I think,

but the problem is, you have to deal with the fact that when you go out,

any father in here will tell you,

when you go out with your kids, any other father that's out

on his own with his kids immediately assumes that you need to be mates.

Right? I was attacked by one of these morons at a soft play centre.

I'm just there with my two boys trying to have an innocent afternoon.

This idiot spots me from the other side of the centre

and comes running over. He goes, "Hello, there.

"My name's Michael!

"This is Sebastian. Um, we come here on Wednesdays, don't we, Sebby?"

FORCED GIGGLE

And I said to him, "Hello, there.

"My name is Romesh and I found these boys outside."

I've been Romesh Ranganathan, thank you.

CHEERING