Live in Edinburgh Asian Network Comedy

All right, everyone? I'm Tommy Sandhu and welcome to Edinburgh.

The stage is set. The audience are in and the comedians are raring to go.

I'm just waiting for my cue.

MUSIC PLAYS That's it. That's me.

Welcome to BBC Asian Network's Big Comedy Night.

Please put your hands together for your host for this evening,

Tommy Sandhu! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Oh! No, really. YES!

CHEERING CONTINUES Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the BBC Asian Network's Big Comedy Night in Edinburgh.

CHEERING

Wow. Let me just tell you how this night came about.

We at the BBC Asian Network have scoured the whole of the land.

We've searched high and low,

far and wide for the funniest people on the planet.

And in the end, we just went with whoever was available.

It's a busy time of year. A lot of people are away. It was quite tricky.

But now, seriously, you're in for a great night.

We've got some really funny people on the line-up tonight

and you're in for a real treat. Thank you so much for all coming out.

Let me introduce your first act,

she's absolutely sensational, she's been making us laugh for years.

She's got brilliant stories, some killer one-liners and in fact,

she's performed on stages so dangerous, that she

actually had to wear a bulletproof vest on one. That's for real.

Hopefully, she won't need that tonight.

Please give a warm welcome to Shazia Mirza.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, everyone. Yes, I did, I wore a bulletproof vest.

That was for a gig in Leith.

So nice to be here.

I was just doing my show this evening and this Asian woman,

she came up to me and she said, we really enjoyed your show,

but just one criticism. I thought, here we go.

She said, oh, there is a big, white stain on your shirt

and it is really showing up under the lights.

I thought, only an Asian woman would go, we really loved your show,

but you really need to wash your clothes,

otherwise you will never get a husband.

She made me feel like Monica Lewinsky.

Too soon? Oh.

I used to be a teacher. Do we have any teachers in?

CHEERING

Yes. Where there are Guardian readers, there are always teachers.

Yes, sir, are you a teacher? What subject do you teach?

- Music. - Music, oh.

Do we have any proper teachers in?

Arts, English, science, all the things that matter.

I used to be a proper teacher, though,

I used to teach science to 16-year-old boys

in Tower Hamlets and Dagenham. That's teaching.

These boys, they were rough.

There were these boys who wear their trousers around their knees

and wear a belt with them to hold them up, with their pants showing.

Have you seen this? Don't you sometimes want

to run after these boys and just rip those pants down, yeah?

That's why I don't teach any more.

Recently, though, I was invited to go to India, because they've got

comedy there now, and the British Council, they took me to India.

They wanted me to go

and do some gigs there to improve relations between Britain and India.

SHE LAUGHS I'm not going back.

But I had to apply for a visa.

So, I went to the Visa Office in London on Goswell Road,

and the woman said to me, "Where are you from?" I said, "I'm from England.

"I'm British." And she said, "No."

"Where were you born?" I said, "Birmingham." She said, "No.

"Before that."

I said, "I've only ever been born once. And that was into Birmingham."

She said, "Yes, but before that.

"Where are you from?" I said, "What do you mean before that?!"

She said, "Well, where are your parents from?"

I said, "Oh, my parents are from Pakistan." She said, "Oh...

"So you're Pakistani." I said, "No, I'm British.

"I love misery. Bad weather.

"And I've got a tea towel with Diana's head on it.

"I'm definitely British.

She said, "Yes, but before that, you were from Pakistan."

I said, "What's this before that business?

"You know, if that's the logic we're going by, I'm from Africa,

"so are you, why are we having this conversation?!"

But then I realised that in India, they have reincarnation,

so maybe in my past life, I was reincarnated as a Pakistani.

But I thought, how rubbish must I have been to have been

reincarnated back into Birmingham twice!

I was doing this gig recently at the BBC.

They invited me to this thing called the 100 Women Conference,

where they invited 100 women from all over the world who

they felt were changing the world.

And you know, cos I played to 20 Guardian readers in Edinburgh,

they felt that I qualified for this.

And I turned up at nine o'clock in the morning.

There were some amazing women there.

You know, there was Cherie Blair, you know Cherie Blair?

Tony Blair's wife, you know, Tony Blair, that terrorist? He was there.

And then, there was... See, there's his wife clapping.

And there was Bianca Jagger, she was there. There was Gurinder Chadha.

She was there. And I turned up at nine o'clock in the morning

and I met this woman, this black woman,

she was wearing really colourful clothes, green shoes,

orange trousers, black jacket, purple shirt, orange hat.

And she said to me, "What do you do?" I said, "I'm a comedian."

She said, "Oh, I really love comedians. It's amazing what you do.

"You're so brave.

"You stand there, you tell people about your life and they laugh,

"it's amazing." I said, "OK, now, where are you from?"

She says, "Oh, I'm from Nigeria."

And I said, "Oh, are you the one that keeps sending me all those e-mails?"

I thought that was funny. I thought that was hilarious.

For nine o'clock, in the morning, at a BBC women's conference,

off-the-cuff, I thought that was hilarious.

She said she liked comedians.

I'm a comedian. I thought I'd show an example of my work.

This woman went absolutely mental.

She went, "Is that the kind of comedy that you do?!

"Do people laugh at that?! I am offended!"

She was a bit German as well!

"I am offended! Is this the type of comedy that you do?!

"I am so offended! That's not funny!"

I said, "Well, I've got a friend called Gina, she's Nigerian.

"She tells these kind of jokes." She said, "I don't care what Gina does.

"It's not funny! You're telling this to people in public? It's not funny!"

And I was thinking, my God, why is she getting so offended?

It was just a joke. It was just a joke, you know?

I was thinking, well, take the day off from being

the Nigerian Finance Minister, and be yourself, yep?

I took the day off from being a full-time professional 24-hour Asian.

Why can't you take the day off? Anyway.

It turns out that she was the Nigerian Finance Minister.

So, it WAS her sending me those e-mails.

You've been great, everybody, thank you very much. Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Shazia Mirza, everybody! Thank you very much.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, next up are a couple of guys

that are making big waves in the whole sketch comedy scene.

You're going to love them.

Please give a warm welcome to Paul G Raymond and Luke Manning,

aka In Cahoots!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS Yes!

How are we doing, Edinburgh?

CHEERING Amazing.

All right, we are In Cahoots.

- My name is Luke, this is Paul. - Hello.

Are you ready for some sketches? Give me a cheer!

CHEERING

Let's get straight into the first one then.

England for the English! Muslims out! Muslims out!

Down with racism!

Down with fascism! Down with the EDL!

Why don't you go back home, mate?!

I AM home. And I am not your mate!

Oh! Look at this one, lads.

Stealing our language and our accent!

- I was born here! - Pull the other one!

I see you all, coming over here, stealing our jobs,

walking around with your silky, brown skin and your flowing, black

locks and your gorgeous, your gorgeous, big, brown eyes.

Just pulling me right in like some magical Prince of Arabia

coming to whisk me away on a flying carpet of love!

I was born here!

Why don't you get that through your thick skull, your thick,

perfectly sculpted skull with its angelic blond hair and your eyes!

Green like emeralds in a sea of purest milk and your nose,

so small but perfectly formed.

You're like a sexy, live-action Tintin!

Fact is, our people ain't supposed to mix.

All right, you'd rather us be kept apart,

like cats and dogs or Romeo and Juliet or...?!

Exactly!

We speak English and you speak bloody jibber jabber Punjabi!

What the hell is that?! I speak English, not jibber jabber Punjabi!

I speak English.

And I've got a masters degree in Shakespeare studies.

- From Manchester Polytechnic! - Oh, yeah?

Give me some Shakespeare, then, go on!

All right, fine.

"Eternity was on our lips and eyes. Bliss in our brows bent.

"None our parts so poor. BOTH: But was a race of heaven."

- Anthony and Cleopatra. - Act one, scene three.

Yes, really good, that. Really good.

Everybody likes a bit of Shakespeare. Caliban is proper mental. So...

Look, I'm not being prejudiced, mate, all right,

I'm just doing what I believe in!

Oh, I know, mate, and I've got loads of white friends, you know,

they come round for dinner with me family all the time,

and it's so much fun, because my family is massive.

Well, mine too, mate. I mean, you know, we don't use condoms.

Us, neither. Obviously, for like religious reasons.

It doesn't feel nice. Yeah, what you said, yeah, that.

Look, mate, why don't we hang out sometime? You know?

Yeah, we could hang out and do things from one another's cultures,

like, I could take you out one night for a curry.

Yeah! Or we could do something from MY culture like I could take you

out one night for a curry!

- Oh, my mates are coming. - Mine too.

Guess I'll, guess I'll see you later, then, you big Danny Dyer wannabe.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, get on back to your mosque,

with your silky black robes hugging your slender frame!

Yeah, yeah, you got back to the pub with your too-tight

England T-shirt caressing your soft rolls of cushiony, soft fat.

- Goodbye, my prince. - Be safe, my love.

And that's how Luke and I met.

That's that story. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, guys, we're going to crack straight on with another

sketch for you guys. Here we go.

Ah! Northern Man.

Mayor of the North and finest superhero in all of England.

- Nay, the world. How goes thee? - Aye, very well, lad.

I'm just admiring the beautiful Yorkshire countryside on this

fine northern morning.

HE INHALES Ahhhh! Bisto!

Aye, Northern Man, there's

nowt quite like a bit of God's own country on a fine Yorkshire morning.

Indeed. It's times like these I feel like reciting the Lord's prayer.

BOTH: Peter Kay

Who art in Bolton

Family friendly be thy name.

Thy chips do come with gravy on

In York as it is in Chester.

Max and Paddy our daily bread and forgive us our Bernard Mannings

As we forgive those who don't laugh at "Garlic bread?!"

"Garlic bread?!"

And lead us not into the South, but deliver us from London,

for thine is the coal mine, the steel mill and unions.

T'ra and see thee later. Ey-up.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, that's t't useful t't prayer that thee said there t't Northern Man,

- t't prayer that thee said t't... - Aye.

T't prayer is right t't good, I liked it t't...

Wait a minute! You're overcompensating for your t'ts.

So you have t't work to do down at t't mill, t't Northern Man?!

- T't, t't, t't... - Oh, who are you really?

T't, t't... HE BEATBOXES

Oh, what's going on now? What's all this about? What's all this?

Yes, it is I! The Southerner!

Yes, yes, I'm here to trap all northern people in a web of

low-paid jobs, dole queues and 1,000 different pointless types of coffee.

Not if I have anything to say about it, you dirty,

Thames swimming Rascal!

Very well, then, Northern Man, if you want to fight, allow me

to do my own little prayer!

Margaret Thatcher!

Who's probably not in heaven!

- Cruelty be the name! - Blasphemy!

Peter Kay is the one true God!

So you can take your metal woman and shove her up your bum.

Very well, then, Northern Man, if you want to fight, behold,

the power of my gap year!

Woo woo wooommmmmmmmm...

My life is slowing down for no good reason!

I have lost all sense of direction! I want to take a TEFL course!

- Ahahaha! Yes, very good! - Go get him,

invisible whippet. HE BARKS LIKE A DOG

- Arrrgh! - I said, come by, lad.

Your invisible whippet is no match for my powers of embezzlement.

Where did he go? Where's Rover?

Rover is locked in an offshore bank account.

On the island of Jersey being stroked by a digital Jimmy Carr.

You'll pay for that, you will. Unions unify! Unite!

By the power of Scargill! By the power of Scargill!

It's too late, Northern Man. Your unions have crumbled.

Your ways are of the past and I stand for the future.

Skinny jeans and lensless spectacles for all who can afford them.

Yes, London, London, must find a Londoner. Yes.

Oh, you look like you're from London.

Where are you from?

Bradford! Ah, North! Argh, that was so northern!

- He's one of us, he is! - No, he's not.

Skinny jeans! I thought you were wearing women's tights!

You look like some kind of weird spider!

You'll pay for that, you will! Queensberry rules.

If you think you're hard enough.

By the power of the Top Man student discount!

Aaargh! Bisto! By the power of Hovis!

Taste my wholegrain!

Wooosh!

- Woop! - Ding!

That's better. That's Tetley.

Thank you. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Brilliant. In Cahoots, everybody. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good, aren't they?

Right, so, next up is a brilliant comedian, he is super-sharp.

Razor, razor-sharp comedy and very analytical, particularly

when it comes to himself. You're going to love him.

I just love him,

cos he's got fuzzy hair and a beautiful beard, please give

it up for your next act, onstage, it is the wonderful Nish Kumar!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, how are you? Are you all right?

- ALL: Yes. - Tremendous.

My name's Nish, I was born in London,

but my parents were not. My parents come from India.

They come from the part of India called Kerala,

a very interesting place.

There's been a lot of immigration there in the last 600, 700 years.

Vasco da Gama led a Portuguese delegation there.

There's an indigenous Arab population.

There's an indigenous Jewish population.

And what's happened is, all of that diversity has crawled up

and landed on my face,

because this is an ethnically ambiguous situation.

OK? It looks like I've gone to a costume party dressed as everyone.

And here's a little trick I can play with my face.

It changes ethnicity depending on the angle at which you are looking at it.

So, watch this. It starts out like this and it just goes

Arab, Arab, Arab, Arab, Jew, Brazilian! It's that kind of face.

And you might think, oh, Nish, that's nice, you embody the diversity

of the global community, you're a true citizen of the modern world.

Let me tell you, all that means is I get stopped at customs everywhere.

I am a person of interest to absolutely everyone.

And it doesn't matter if they see the British passport,

because I've got a face that looks like it comes from the people's

Arab Republic of Jewistan.

And it's not all fun and games having an ethnically ambiguous face!

When I was at university, for most of my first year, I wore

a T-shirt that had a picture of Jimi Hendrix on it.

A big picture of Jimi here and the words "awesome experience".

Jimi Hendrix is my hero.

And for most of my first year, I wore that T-shirt.

Towards the end of that time, a guy who lived my corridor was

talking about Jimi Hendrix and I said, Hendrix, big fan.

And he said, really? You?

Which I thought was weird, because I was wearing the shirt.

And he says, oh, that's Jimi Hendrix? And I said, who did you think it was?

And he said, I thought it was you!

Now, normally, I would be delighted by that, nothing would make me

happier, but that meant he spent our whole first year thinking I'd had

a T-shirt made with my own face on it and the words "awesome experience".

I had just been running around college being like,

double Nish, double Nish, an awesome experience, it is! Hm-mm!

And I enjoy the fact that people have different opinions, I think

that's what makes being a human being exciting.

I don't like it when people can't justify their opinion or

they justify their opinion on spurious grounds.

My dad doesn't like rap music. Now, I like rap music,

but I know there's a lot of good reasons to not like rap music.

Misogyny, homophobia, needless celebration of wealth.

My dad doesn't like rap music, because he says it's EASY

and then he will prove that by doing a rap!

He'll say, rap music is really easy, Nish, watch this.

HE RAPS: My name is Dad and I'm here to say, I'm a really great guy!

That's not proof of anything! You can't say something is easy

and your evidence is YOU do it badly!

That's like me going, jazz music is easy, watch this. Blah, blah, blah.

Oh, check out this easy juggling. Ohhhh!

And I've had two separate arguments with my friends,

because they didn't go and see 12 Years A Slave.

Now, I didn't think you had to go and see 12 Years A Slave,

but I didn't like the reasoning that these people were employing.

One of my friends said, I'm not going to see that film, Nish.

And I said, why? And he said, because it's not a good film,

which I think we can all agree is logically bold.

I said, what do you mean by that?

He said, it's just cos it's about slavery.

People are guilted by the subject matter into thinking it's

a good movie. It's just cos it's about slavery.

I appreciate that's not the case.

I'm pretty sure some people think 12 Years A Slave is a good film.

In fact, I know that's the case. cos I don't think

12 Years A Slave would have won all the awards it's won

if it had starred Eddie Murphy as four different slaves

and a Chinese man for no reason, right?!

And one of my other friends just said,

I don't need to see that film, Nish, and I said, why not?

And he said, cos I already know that slavery was bad.

It's not a twist ending!

It's not like the rest of us watched it and at the end went,

oh, my God, slavery was the bad guy!

This is like The Usual Suspects!

It's been an interesting period in my life.

I was single for a long time but I have recently taken a woman.

I'm almost certain that's not how you're supposed to phrase that,

right?! I was single for a long time

because I was always quite sexually reticent.

When I was at school, I didn't really kiss girls.

Largely because I was busy getting some excellent A-levels.

Did VERY well.

And the thing is, that's fine, but if you don't make an attempt to

kiss girls at school, you don't make the mistakes that you

need to make, so you have some idea of what impresses women as an adult.

So I've come up with some bad ideas. A couple of years ago,

I became obsessed with the idea that I needed to be more mysterious.

I watched Mad Men, the lead character in Mad Men is Don Draper, he's very

mysterious. I thought, that's what I'll do, I'll be mysterious.

Turns out, I don't know anything about being mysterious.

And when I try, it just comes off as threatening.

I once said to a woman with no discernible trace of irony,

you have no idea what I am capable of.

Sometimes, it's not even like I'm trying to chat up these women.

Once, I went into this pub and I saw this girl I know,

like I'm friends with her, and I went up behind her,

put my hands on her shoulders and went to kiss her on the cheek

and at this point I realised, this was not a girl I knew.

This was a girl who looked like a girl I knew.

Now, let me just say this, that is an eminently retrievable situation.

All you have to do is say, I do apologise, I thought

you were someone else, have a nice day.

What you must NOT do is have your hands on a woman's shoulders,

be this close to her face and when she turns around

just go, oh, dear!

Because you have just scared a woman, ladies and gentlemen.

So, like I say, I was born in this country, but my parents were not,

and I'm really proud of the fact that I was born in Britain

and really proud of the fact that my parents come from India.

It's really exciting for me to be from both of those two things.

I'm a very proud member of multicultural Britain.

I really feel good about that, right?

But some people don't like you to be both.

They like you to pick one and stick with it.

Like, somebody said to me recently,

a British man was saying to me, a white British man was saying,

Nish, what would you do if India went to war with Britain?

And I said, run! Because, I can't fight in a war!

I couldn't even do sport!

When I was a kid, the only sporting award I won was for cricket.

Now, they give out cricket awards every year.

They were all very straightforward.

There's Best Batsman, Best Bowler and Best Player.

I didn't win any of those. The award I won was called Clubman Of The Year.

Which I subsequently found out was

presented on the criteria of the boy who had shown the most enthusiasm

in the face of, and I quote, and overwhelming lack of ability, so!

You tell me whether I am an asset to any military?!

Ladies and gentlemen, you've been an absolute delight,

my name is Nish Kumar, good night!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Great stuff from Nish Kumar. OK!

Your final act this evening is a brilliant guy.

He was born in Mombasa, raised in London,

super funny bloke who actually has got so many big ideas, that he

could probably change the planet in which we live in.

So, I think we should all hail our new world leader, it's Imran Yusuf!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, hello, hello, hello. BBC Radio Asian Network. This is cool.

The thing is, I wasn't born in this country, I wasn't even born in Asia.

I was actually born in East Africa.

Now, I know I don't look like somebody that was

born in East Africa, but that's where I was born, Mombasa, Kenya.

That's where my brothers were born, where my parents were born.

My parents can speak an East African language.

They speak Swahili. Fluently. But they never taught me or my brothers.

So any time they want to talk about us in the house,

they bust out the Swahili and we have no idea what's going on.

And because of that, I've been trying to learn

Swahili, because I want to claim some of my African heritage.

I've been learning Swahili from an iPad app.

You know, every now and then, someone pops up and goes, ah,

you are from Kenya!

I am also from Kenya! HE SPEAKS SWAHILI

And that used to catch me off guard, but now,

I can look them straight in the face and go...

HE SPEAKS SWAHILI

Which stuns them, much like it has to you.

Mainly, because it means where are the suitcases?

It was a free app.

There wasn't many options in there for light

conversation after a comedy club. What am I meant to do?

So even though I come from East Africa, ethnically,

though, I am Indian. My great-grandparents came from India.

The reason I think we ended up in East Africa is cos at some

point, a few hundred years ago, the British turned up in India,

met my great-grandparents and said hey, would you like to come to

East Africa and help us exploit some black people?

Yes, why not, everybody else is doing it.

India is a fascinating place. It's incredible.

Every time I've gone there,

I've learned it's one of the fastest-growing economies

in the world, and that is down to how hard the Indian people work.

And it's an incredible thing to behold,

because one day, that means that they might become number one.

And they can't wait for that day.

The day when they call their bank and they go through to a call centre...

APPLAUSE

And when you lot are going to have to put on a fake name

and talk to them.

Oh, hello, my name is Maneesh.

No, it's not. HE LAUGHS

I realise India, even though that's where

my ancestors come from, that's not where I fit in.

I've been out to the Muslim world.

I find that quite peculiar, cos I'm not an Arab, and

cos I'm an Indian, they treat me like a bit of an outsider as well.

I went to the UAE, the United Arab Emirates, run by Muslims,

a lot of money there, relatively quite strict.

I went to Dubai, you must be aware of Dubai.

Also run by Muslims, relatively quite strict.

But a lot of British expats in Dubai. A lot of them, cos you know,

Sharia law isn't half as bad as paying your taxes!

Oh, what's that?

I get to keep what I earn and my wife knows not to get any ideas!

I met this British couple in Dubai, and the wife is talking to me

and her husband was there and she was like, you know what,

Imran, we have a good quality of life here,

a nice house, our kids go to a good school,

it's safe, it's clean, it's efficient.

But I'm not allowed to drive our family car

unless my husband gives me his written consent.

I was like, that's insane, how can you live in a place like that?

And I look over her shoulder and her husband is going...

He slept on the sofa that night. And she got deported.

Right, so where does that leave me?

I don't fit into the country where I was born, I guess.

I don't fit into the country of my religious affiliation or the country

of my ancestry, so that leaves me with the UK, specifically England.

I've grown up in England most of my life,

and so it's affected how I feel I identify myself and how,

especially when I identify myself abroad.

And you know what, it's 2014, it's the 21st century

and I feel that I can identify myself as English.

Now, I know some people have an issue with this,

because this isn't classical English. This isn't original English.

This is what I like to call English 2.0.

I was assembled using foreign parts, manufactured overseas

and sent over here to help undercut the domestic workforce.

APPLAUSE

Some of you applauded,

the rest of you evidently voted for UKIP in that last election!

Right. So, hey, English 2.0 is great.

I came installed with an additional language and most of us come

in a variety of different colours.

Mainly brown.

Right, we've got this sneaky Eastern European model doing

the rounds at the moment, annoying everybody.

A lot of people find it very confusing, because it

looks like a lot of you, but sounds nothing like you, does it?!

And you never know until it's too late.

Until you walk into Nando's one day and go, good afternoon,

may I have a chicken burger. Yes, one shicken booorger!

And when brown people start laughing at the way that you talk, you know

that you are now on the bottom rung.

We've got a thing, the society that we live in now, we live

in a society that's doing all kinds of crazy things.

And we're in this horrible culture now, we hate the poor

and we worship the wealthy. Hate the poor so bad.

Like, I give you an example, we exploit the poor on television.

You saw that show on Channel 4.

You know that show, Benefits Street, did you hear about Benefits Street?

- ALL: Yes. - If you don't know what it was,

it was a documentary about people who live on benefits.

I didn't know that. When I heard about Benefits Street, I thought

that was a budget box of chocolates that you could buy at Lidl!

APPLAUSE

That joke made it into the Telegraph's

top jokes at the Fringe, thank you very much.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you. Thank you.

I thought Benefits Street would be great,

cos if you were on benefits, you can buy a box

of Benefits Street and then you know what, there'd be chocolates

in there that would have appealed to you if you were on benefits.

Chocolates you would have understood. You crack open a box and inside,

you have little sticky tax evading toffs finger.

Little caramel immigrant.

And my favourite, Bulgarian surprise!

Which I thought for all of that advertising, there

was only two in the box.

We demonise the poor

and then we worship the wealthy for no good reason.

Last year, in this country,

we took benefits away from single parents and the disabled.

But at the same time, the royal family got a 10% raise.

10%. That's a lot of money! That's a lot of money.

OK, millions of pounds.

Some people are cool with this, and go hey, man, don't talk

out against the royal family like that, you should know better.

The royal family, right, they deserve that 10% raise,

because they are a tourist attraction.

A tourist attraction. Well, so are the pigeons in Trafalgar Square.

But once we realised that they were pests and snatching food

out of the hands of ordinary people, we got rid of them.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You know what,

I've got to be careful what I say about the royal family.

The last Muslim bloke to get involved with them didn't come out of it good!

Do we have actual Scottish people in the house?

Scottish people. I love Scottish people.

Scottish people, also do we have any Irish and Welsh, by any chance?

CHEERING

Don't worry, I'm not from immigration!

This would be one hell of a disguise if I was!

So, how long do you intend to stay, hmmm?!

Get ouuuuut!

What I discovered, Scottish people, Irish people

and Welsh people collectively, you guys are known as the Celtic people.

- Is that correct? - ALL: Yes.

When I discovered that about you guys,

I realised that I love you guys the most. You know why?

Because you guys are the Palestinians of the British Isles.

This was all yours.

You had your own language, culture, way of life.

Before you were invaded and occupied. You guys want to get to fighting.

Some of you are looking at me, going, what happened to English 2.0, bro?

And there is this horrible sentiment...

WOMAN HECKLES

It's already, sweetheart, I bought my own material.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Bless her,

she's probably just alarmed that I'm even speaking English.

Probably upset I haven't come out and brought her menu. So...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

But, I'll tell you guys,

when I do the comedy clubs back home in England, there's

a horrible sentiment that goes around the comedy clubs in England.

Scotland can't be independent. They don't know what they're doing.

They're too backwards and stupid. They can't cope on their own.

They need the rest of Britain.

You don't realise how defiant Scotland is.

And how defiant the Scottish spirit is. And I'll give you an example.

Scotland is the most defiant country on planet Earth.

You think Cuba is defiant? Because they stood up to the US

and said no, we're going to say no to democracy,

we're going to have communism? You think some of these

countries and their Arab Spring, that mashed up the place and tore

down the dictatorships, only to have them replaced by new ones, right...?

You think those guys are defiant? No!

Scotland is the most defiant country on planet Earth, you know why?

Cos Scotland is the only country on planet Earth where

Coca-Cola cannot become the number one selling soft drink.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Cos you guys have got Irn Bru!

You don't even spell it right out of spite!

The rest of the world, we don't even know what it is.

It's just luminous orange. We think it's radioactive.

That's why we're too scared to drink it.

You guys drink so much of it,

no wonder this is the primordial soup of people with orange hair!

Guys, you have been a total pleasure.

Thank you very much for supporting the BBC Radio Asian Network

Comedy Show.

We appreciate it. My name is Imran Yusuf. Peace out. God bless.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow. I love him. Love him. Imran Yusuf, everybody!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Very good.

One more time, big round of applause for your performers this

evening, your comedians, Shazia Mirza.

CHEERING

In Cahoots.

CHEERING

Nish Kumar!

CHEERING

And Imran Yusuf.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And a big thank you to all of you here tonight in Edinburgh.

Have a good night. Thank you. Thank you.