New Year Compilation Backchat with Jack Whitehall and His Dad

This programme contains strong language.

What is this thing we're doing? It's a clip show, so we've come to the end of the series

and now it's like a compilation of clips

and this is the bit we're going to link them.

What, like that thing, 'I'm Being Framed' or whatever it's called?

Not 'I'm Being Framed', no, it's 'You've Been Framed'.

Where they show you pictures of their babies falling through ice

and that sort of thing? No, I mean... No? It's not that.

I don't know when you last saw 'You've Been Framed', but there's...

I've never seen it. There's never been a clip of a baby falling through the ice.

They tend to be a little bit more jolly than that.

Anyway, it's not that, it's just us doing links in-between

the kind of highlights, the comedy highlights.

Well, there won't be many of those, then, will there?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening and welcome to Backchat.

So, this is the problem son you've told me about so many times?

What are you talking about?

No, please don't eat it!

You know when a dog sort of...

Boom, boom, boom, boom!

Kick our shoes off, let's open the gin.

I'm quite well hung.

That is the sleaziest thing I've ever seen!

I'm assuming that you're a virgin.

Sometimes it's best just to block it out.

Are we going to have a tear up? Me and Paxman?

Pow! Yeah, I'm Leth for the B, pow!

If you don't know about me...

I expected to come on here, because I've never met you before,

and I thought, "He's going to look like shit."

Now, come on, that was a fucking good question.

And the sex is good, too. Oh, for God's sake!

APPLAUSE

Here are some of our favourite moments.

My favourite thing about Jeremy Paxman

is the theatre of his interviews.

We've all seen it, right, he's grilling some politician

and he lets them waffle on until their pants

are filled to the brim with bullshit,

he reaches into his jacket pocket and he withdraws

his weapon of choice, the spectacles.

and when he takes those out, what he's saying to that politician is,

"Up until now, your face is so offensive to me,

"I can't even look at you in focus,

"but I've got a quote written down here,

"a quote of yours from SEVEN YEARS AGO.

"You probably don't even remember saying it, but Jeremy does.

"So, be a good boy, pull down your trousers and pants

"and bend over that barrel for me

"and prepare to take this like a man!"

But this is the masterstroke, right, he doesn't just put the glasses on

and leave them there, no, we get the trademark Paxman flourish.

The swoosh of the matador's cape,

just before making the execution, he whips them back off again.

This is how it plays, he's like "Minister,

"you're here supporting the closure of 15 hospitals...

GLASSES CLICK

"but, in 2006, you said that under no circumstances

"would you support cuts to the NHS.

GLASSES BOOM

"What's changed?"

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Do you know what grime is, Nick?

It's mainly MC-based rappers, kind of like...

a bit like poetry, like, street poetry over fast beats.

WHOOSH!

So, you've got something like this.

Pow! Yeah, I'm Leth to the B, pow! If you don't know about me, pow!

Better ask for the correct link up, pow! Yeah, I'll pow!

You don't, pow!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That you were born on the same day as Winston Churchill?

Different year. Different year!

But, yeah, I share the same birth date,

and therefore have the middle name of Winston.

What I was going to say, though, about Winston,

because I'm a huge Winston fan.

Fan girl. Not quite the right word.

Groupie. Because you must be the only white man

to have been called Winston since... Since Winston, really.

And the show comes off air.

Thank you very much. This has been the end of Backchat.

It was a very short-lived series, but we enjoyed it while it lasted.

Please send your complaints to Ofcom.

I've been Jack Whitehall, good night.

Jeremy, he seems to be evading the question,

how would you suggest that I get the information out of Mr Dyer?

It's probably not even been written yet, has it?

Your character's sketched out, are the storylines there?

You shoot 12 episodes at a time. Do you?

You're three months in advance. Oh, really? You've filmed some of it?

Is he trying to get the thing out of me now? Is this a move? Yeah.

No. You've already filmed some of it? I've been doing it for a month.

And we'll be surprised? Yes.

What aspect will surprise us? Well, you watch it, though.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, I'm not fucking stupid, I know what you're doing.

Yeah, I'm all over this, I'm all over it.

APPLAUSE

There is an Apprentice CD where... No, this is true, this a real thing.

I didn't know that. Did you not know that? No.

You can buy all of the tracks from The Apprentice,

and it has them all, it's like 'Boardroom', 'Driving home'...

Do you think when Lord Sugar's having a quiet evening at home,

he says to Lady Sugar,

"Put the CD on, love, will you? There's nothing on the telly."

I think there's no moment in your life when you couldn't use a track

from The Apprentice to punctuate it.

If you're with your girlfriend and maybe things aren't going right,

and you need to have that complicated situation,

you sit her down and you're like, "Look, I'm really sorry,

"we have to talk about this, but just things aren't working..."

Sorry, before I go on, just stick this on.

MUSIC: APPRENTICE 'YOU'RE FIRED' THEME

We've been together for a long time now and, look, it's...

it's not you, it's me, it just isn't working out.

We're arguing too much at the moment,

so, with regret,

you're dumped.

Very good.

Then you get her a taxi. Perfect!

SLEIGH BELLS

What is that? Is that...?

Could it be? Maybe? Is it him?

Boom! Boom, boom!

Oh, my God, it's Santabusi!

Merry Christmas!

Boom, boom, boom, boom...

BOOM!

Pull your beard down!

Hey, what's up? Boom, boom, boom, boom!

What's up Jack? All right.

Come on, Santabusi. You can do this.

Can we have the music? Can we have the Chariots of Fire music?

MUSIC: 'CHARIOTS OF FIRE' THEME

Oh! Santabusi, let me take your shoes off for you.

Let me get the other one off. Oh, my God!

I think he's going to jump over.

OK, come on, guys! Believe!

Come on, Santabusi!

Go on! Yes!

Santabusi! Get in! Yes!

One of the things you seem to get a little bit irked by

was that Russell Brand was saying that he didn't vote,

yet in an interview with the Radio Times,

you said, "In one recent election, I decided not to vote,

"because I thought the choice was so unappetising."

GLASSES BOOM

What's changed?

Why don't you give the rest of the quote?

Well, that's the only bit that I had...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That was just a taste of what we've got in store for you this evening.

One of the major problems with doing...

How long is this going to take, this thing? These links?

Well, not long, it's just a couple of short bits in between.

Because I don't particularly want to stand up for hours.

Yeah, but I thought it would be more casual if we're standing

rather than just sat in front of the camera.

Well, I'd prefer to sit, to be honest. OK, fine, right, we'll sit.

Let's go and find somewhere comfortable to sit. Don't walk off!

I'm not going to stand there for hours. Right, OK. We'll get a chair.

We'll get you a chair and then we'll...

Here are some times when my dad revealed more than he should have.

Since hitting the big time, Rylan splashed the cash

on a new set of porcelain veneers.

Apparently his new teeth are so bright that, this Christmas,

last year's X Factor runner-up, Jahmene Douglas,

has been booked to switch them on.

LAUGHTER

I wouldn't make remarks about people's teeth.

Remember what your teeth were like?

Your teeth were so bad, they were ENORMOUS!

Do you remember, when you were 14?

I mean, I nearly entered you into the Grand National one year.

LAUGHTER

So, recently the Oxford English Dictionary announced

the new words that have come in for 2013,

and would you know these words?

We have Emoji, that's a new word, do you ever Emoji?

Don't think so, not knowingly.

Selfie.

Yes, I know THAT one!

When... when he lived with us,

I went in to his bedroom one day

and he was... What did you find?

Well, he was lying on his bed, having a selfie. No!

No, no...

And what was... what was really peculiar,

what was really peculiar was that the television was on.

Wasn't on Countdown, was it? Well, no... Yeah, it was.

I was waiting to see Rachel Riley and it kept coming back to you.

It's cool. I call it a "danger selfie".

That'll put you off your stroke!

Now your list of gripes challenges even my father's.

Your list of gripes includes M underpants,

you did have a... Yes. ..a gripe with those. I did.

I was putting my underpants on in the gym one day

and I observed they had a hole in them.

I then remarked to the other blokes in the changing room,

"Have any of you noticed Marks Sparks pants having holes in them?"

Several of them had. What I hadn't reckoned on, of course, was

that I think the pants were probably rather old.

Do you...? There should be clearly a sell-by or use-by date

on your pants. And then you'd KNOW how old they were.

Well, the problem I have is with the elastic, because I'm very, um...

Lithe? No, I was going to say,

I shouldn't use this in front of you, but I'm quite well hung.

What the fu...!

LAUGHTER

And I... I need...

I need very strong elasticity, is it called?

In an underpant, and once it starts loosening up,

all hell is basically let loose.

And, of course, Jack has inherited

some very good things from me, and that's one of...

We can stop now. We can stop now. We've done enough of that.

You're actually being very trivial, so we're going to move on now, OK.

Italia '90. Yes.

The opening game of the group stages. Yes.

England are playing Ireland. Well, I...

19 minutes into the game, talk us through what happens.

I hadn't been very well the night before and after 15, 20 minutes,

the ball goes down the Republic of Ireland's left-hand side,

I came over, tried to tackle the fullback

which in itself is ridiculous,

but as I did, I slid along the grass

and I inadvertently relaxed.

You shat yourself during a game?

I did, Jack, yes. That's exactly what I did. But...

I mean, Gary, I don't begrudge you, we've all been there.

Provence, 1996, my brother Barnaby,

again, had eaten something that disagreed with him.

He was jumping into the pool and slightly overextended

on the star jump.

We had to evacuate the entire villa.

That was not Barney's turd,

it was yours and you know it.

APPLAUSE

And you know it.

You wasted your vote last time.

I didn't waste my vote, you voted for me.

You did, you voted Green! That is a waste of a vote.

He tried to steal my postal vote and force me to vote Tory. I did not.

And I refused to let you do that.

You said to me, "Do you mind doing it for me and I'll vote Conservative?"

No, I didn't! I did not!

And then you changed your mind

and said, "Oh, no, I'm Lib Dem or Green" and all that rubbish.

Because you like, to your fan base, to appear to be

sort of slightly socialisty, kind of greeny.

Socialisty greeny? What the hell are you talking about?

Whereas you're a good, old-fashioned Tory! I'm not!

Stop outing me as a Tory!

All right now then, our next word is PARTYHAT.

What is a partyhat? Partyhat? Lethal?

Is it maybe...

a thong on your head? I don't know.

I don't know. Michael, help us out here.

Definition, noun.

Erect or pointed nipples.

Wow.

Example.

"Yes, bled, must be cold outside,

"cos your mumma has her partyhats on."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This better?

Yes, much better. Nice fire.

I mean, it's ridiculous. Why?

I wanted it to be like a casual thing in the kitchen,

just throwing to stuff. Right.

And this set-up is ludicrous, it's like Frost-Nixon.

You're Nixon. Fine. OK.

Happy now? Can I do it? Can I... can we start?

Yes, do, please start.

One of the things I wanted to achieve with Backchat...

Have you made any lunch plans today, incidentally?

I mean, is there a... some food on offer? Sort of catering?

No, you just... have something when we're finished.

This won't take long. But I always eat now.

What do you mean eat now? We've just started. It's one o'clock.

Well, it wasn't my fault we started at one o'clock.

I need something to eat, I'm sorry. Right, well...

Nothing huge, but just something nice, maybe a glass of wine.

OK. Well, I don't know, what do you...?

Well, I'll get Mummy to get me something.

OK. Hilary!

Hilary!

I don't think she's here.

Hilary?

Hilary!

I mean, she's obviously not here. Hilary?

No, I don't think she's here.

Right, if I get you some food?

Hmmm-hmmm. Will you then just behave and do the links?

Yes, OK.

Right.

Do you want me to come with you? No, stay there.

Oh, right, OK.

Now, here are some of our favourite guests.

Right, ready? Play it, play it.

MUSIC: APPRENTICE 'BOARDROOM' THEME

OK, shh, shh, shh. Now do the thing with the phone.

Would you send him in now, please, Francis?

No, no, no, no, no, no. No. No.

Sorry. No? What? What? Do the voice. No, don't be ridiculous.

There's no way I'm doing an Alan Sugar...

Come on, he's waiting out there, you have to do the voice.

Come on.

IMITATES ALAN SUGAR: Would you send him in now, please, Francis?

What, so she doesn't like people being flirtatious with her?

Oh, now hold on, I didn't say that.

She's great fun and actually quite flirty.

Margaret is, you know, she's got those beautiful...

Those beautiful Elizabeth Taylor violet eyes.

My Catherine, my adored Catherine said

that I really ought to have an affair with Margaret.

Knew it! I knew it, Nick!

And one Arsenal fan, in particular, that you have quite a lot of banter

with on Twitter is a guy who I happen to follow him on Twitter

and, as an Arsenal fan myself, the only silver lining

of Arsenal losing, is that I know

you'll wind up Piers Morgan. Yeah.

Is there any better feeling than baiting him when Arsenal have lost?

Very few. Very few.

You really go at him quite hard, though.

Well, he deserves it, quite frankly, most of the time.

And it's quite playground stuff,

he makes quite a lot of jokes about the size of your...

Ears.

But you give your fair share of stuff back to him about his...

His many chins, for example. His many chins!

And his ample frame. His ample frame!

I think he's a total wanker, that man.

Most people would agree with you.

APPLAUSE

Two slices of bread.

What about this, Bear? AUDIENCE AND MICHAEL: Oh!

Two slices of bread, little Cecil. No! No, don't eat it!

Who wants to look after the dog for the rest of the show?

I don't trust you ladies over there...

Jack, why don't we keep the dog on here? It'd be quite sweet.

Are we not allowed to? No, there's a lot of that going on.

Yeah, they literally don't trust you near any kind of animal.

You look like you have warm, kind eyes, madam, you take that.

Jack, it seems to have weed down your front...

It's weed down my front? Oh, no, very funny. Only joking!

You did, actually, you genuinely got me.

APPLAUSE

Lee, what is the Lee Mack Christmas like?

Well, I'm ashamed to admit that I don't do much cooking in my house,

so it's the once a year that I do do it,

and for the last few years, I have religiously stuck by

Nigella Lawson's cookery book, I have, genuinely,

and I always thought... she asks you to get the turkey

and put it in a bucket of water and leave it in your cellar,

or outside, for five days,

and I've always thought that's a very odd thing to do,

leave a turkey soaking in a bucket of water,

but if she says, "Do it", do it.

Turns out she was just off her tits!

Are you a protective father to your...?

Yes, yes, of course I am, who isn't?

If she... if she...

If she brings back a boyfriend, what are you like with a boyfriend?

I'd be quite scared to meet Danny Dyer.

Listen, I'm sweet with him, as long

as a tear never drops from her fucking eye,

we're going to be good friends. So...

And you just say that to him... He knows it, I can do it in a look.

So, say I came home and I was...

Well, OK, so you walked in, I'd just be like that...

With your daughter. You're getting blanked, I'm blanking ya.

I'm looking at the telly and I'll just go...

Oh, dear God, that is quite...

And then pipe away again, so it's a little pipe... It's a little pipe?

A pipe, which is a look. Yeah. And then look away. And then I know.

Then have another look, right? Yeah.

And then say fuck all to him, d'you know what I mean?

So he knows.

And he knows in that moment. And then maybe...

and then he'll go to take his coat off. I'll give him another look,

to go, "Don't take your coat off!" Don't take your coat off?

"Who the fuck do you think you are, taking your coat off in my house?"

Is your house...is your house very cold?

Freezing.

Beauty regime - Bear, is there much time for a beauty regime

when you're in the wilderness?

Um...no is the straight answer.

I use a lot of kind of natural things...

Crack open an aloe vera.

Exactly. Exactly. Even at home now, I use olive oil as moisturiser.

Oh, I do that, because I had eczema, you know.

Sometimes a bit of avocado in my hair.

The olive oil is very good -

you need to make sure you rinse the bath with washing up liquid -

it's the only thing that gets rid of it,

otherwise you'll slip around like nobody's business.

But very good, olive oil, isn't it, for everywhere.

This is all going in Jack, I'm getting it.

I get toxed, so I will have a bit of Botox,

I've had mine last week so I'm not quite fully frozen yet.

Where does that happen?

I have a bit of a love heart round here

and I had three round the eyes.

Hasn't kicked in, only had it done on Sunday.

You know it's super-dangerous, that stuff?

Yeah, but so is what you do, Bear, but, you know,

we have to do it. Exactly.

Now as people get older, they take different steps

to ease the impact of the passage of time on their looks.

Some people grow a beard.

Others, like my father,

need something a little more drastic.

I took him to investigate one of those options.

I booked an appointment with one of London's top plastic surgeons.

Here's how it went down.

OK, what's the name of our general practitioner?

I don't know, you're the one who's brought me here.

I mean, I don't know what we're doing here.

I'm very upset that Jack thinks

that I need to have anything done to my face.

I think my face, for a more mature man,

is almost perfection.

"Do you drink alcohol?"

Well, of course, that's a bloody stupid question.

Yeah, but if you take...

If you drink and do prescription drugs,

you'll end up like Kerry Katona on This Morning.

Do you want that?

I don't know who she is.

Are you going to be honest with this drink one?

Well, I put one unit a day, that's about right, isn't it? Yeah.

A unit is not a bottle of red wine.

Well, why should I tell the man how much I drink?

Cos he's your doctor, he's not going to be telling everyone.

He's not my doctor, I've never met the man.

I'll put "three."

JACK SNORTS WITH LAUGHTER

Have I ever had a facial herpes infection?

I mean, this is getting really personal.

Have you?

Well, there was that time in Greece...

Oh, God, I don't...I don't want to know, actually.

He didn't seem to be taking the medical questionnaire seriously,

and was definitely answering some of the questions incorrectly.

Gentlemen, thank you very much for coming along.

How can I help you?

Basically, my father's looking a bit old in the face area,

so I thought we could maybe talk about getting

a kind of MOT done on that?

When you said "MOT", could you sort of specify a bit more?

I don't know, I was just thinking his face at rest

looks like he's just smelt a bad fart, all the time.

Ridiculous...

It's Jack that I'm worried about.

I mean, when you think he's only just 25,

I mean, when he gets to my age,

God knows what he's going to look like.

Patrick, tell it to me straight,

is this what I've got to look forward to?

You know, that depends very much on how you lead your lifestyle.

The ageing process is very complex.

Oh...

What I'd like to do is just illustrate

some of the areas that I think that we can improve upon.

So let's start with the eyelids.

Patrick was doing all of his, you know, pen shit on my dad,

and then I noticed there was one part of the face

that I think he'd carelessly overlooked.

Can I suggest as well - just if you don't mind, Daddy -

if you took out some of the skin here

and just thinned that area,

and then pulled it in a bit there,

you might get a more youthful kind of mouth area.

Yeah, no, I think that's probably not a good idea,

it's not really a conventional approach

and I don't think it's going to contribute

to...to Michael's overall rejuvenation. Look.

No, I don't think so.

I think we've probably done enough of this now, to be honest.

So, Patrick, can you work out some sort of price for this?

I'll get that information and then I'll get back to you.

Great, thanks. Great, thanks. Thanks. Back in a minute.

OK, gents, you'd be looking at something like this,

for all of it included.

Oh, thanks, Jack.

Oh, shit.

Total waste of time. Complete con artist.

Taxi.

Um, maybe don't put your arm up like that.

Don't mess up this suit, will you?

It cost me a lot of money, couldn't get BBC Three to pay for it.

Oh.

There, food. Right, thank you very much.

Can you get on with it? All right, OK...

We've had a lot of amazing guests over the course of the series.

Some of my favourites included Danny Dyer...

I'm not eating out of a box.

What? I'm not eating something out of a box.

It's all they had open, it's New Year's Day.

Oh, it looks very greasy in there, ugh...

Right, OK, fine, stop. At least put it on a plate.

Yeah, OK. It might get some of the grease off it.

Sorry.

The great thing about Backchat

is we never knew what was going to happen next.

Even when we did make a plan,

it never turned out like we expected.

It's terribly dry, this chicken.

I mean, it's as dry as a bone.

JACK SIGHS

Go back to the shop

and see if they've got some bearnaise sauce.

Bearnaise sauce? Yeah, bearnaise sauce.

At least it'll make it a little bit moister.

It's a Texan fried chicken.

They don't have bearnaise sauce. OK, well...

Hollandaise, then.

Just roll the clip.

Here are some of our favourite unseen moments.

Would we ever see Jeremy Paxman on Strictly?

No! Why?

Well, I've been asked twice

and I think you'd need to have your head examined

before going on something like that.

Oh, that's a shame.

You'd better tell Anton du Beke that... Stand him down,

we're not doing the ending of the show that we had planned.

We'd even gone to all the trouble of getting this.

ANNOUNCER: Will Jeremy Paxman and his partner Anton du Beke

please take to the floor?

We thought that might inspire you, but...

That was what we call a bad production idea.

I thought it was fabulous.

Thanks, Jack, I always thought you were a bit gay.

You are a little bit, though, aren't you? No.

Oh, come on, you're so camp.

No. No, I'm...I'm not. Yes, you are.

I was watching your Fresh Meat programme.

Now, I caught you in bed and I noticed you're very...

On the show.

You've got a lot of foliage going on, that's quite nice,

but then I looked and all I could see was this big, huge -

you know what I'm going to say, don't you? No.

Areola.

I was like, "Are they going to show us the full tit or not?"

It was like that! I've got...yeah, I've got...

Haven't you got...? I've got quite large nipples.

Then again, that's something I inherited...

Well, I just think...I just thought you were a little bit gay.

I'm not! I'm one of the straightest men...

Oh, come on, you're like spaghetti till it's boiled!

Oh, shut up, darling. Amongst my...no, that was not...

Father, did you feel like you got anything out of the experience?

I've got to fess up to something here,

and that is that when I left your surgery a week or two ago,

because there were quite a few of them around,

um...I took a couple of these...

I know you did, yeah - I counted.

I thought he won't miss two of them, because I thought

I haven't got anything for your mother for Christmas.

Litter bugs?

I don't like litter bugs, you're quite right. There, see?

Finally. One out of three. Yes!

Yeah, no, I... Oh, no, sorry.

What happened? Where's that camp run you've suddenly developed...?

I mean, Jeremy said, you know, in a few years' time,

you'll start looking like Brian Sewell,

and I think he's probably right.

I've never seen anything so camp.

Action.

"What are you doing in my pub?

"You ain't welcome here, you slag."

"I'm leaving you, Danny,

"cos you don't treat me like you should treat a woman."

A woman!? I'm not playing a woman. This is ridiculous.

Because you're his wife, you're not...it's either that or...

I'm his wife? Yes, in the story, it's a story.

This is for Danny's benefit, not yours.

Danny needs to practise this, just go.

Right, OK, right.

"We'll get you out of here.

"I'll take you down market with bubble and squeak

"till the cows come home. I love you, darling, all right?

"I love you more than life itself, all right?

"You slag."

"Danny, I'm in the full bloom of my womanhood."

I can't believe I'm saying all this stuff - who wrote this?

I wrote it! Oh.

"Sure, you're a phenomenal lover.

"But physical ecstasy is not enough.

"Exchange look of simmering sexual tension."

That was all right, that was quite fuckable, actually.

Danny! Well...!

"I'm taking the kids with me."

"You can't take me kids!"

"They're not your kids, Danny."

"But if they're not my kids,

"then whose are they, you slag?"

Jeremy's the daddy!

Oh...ooh...

Really bad heartburn.

It's that chicken.

Sh, stop it.

Um...so, Daddy, what were your highlights

of filming Backchat?

Well, I mean, it was difficult.

I mean, I couldn't make head or tail of the whole thing,

cos all the anecdotes that I told you

which I thought, you know, would have been the highlights,

seemed to get cut.

We had to edit some of them because they do...

Well, I mean, they're good, but some of them do tend to,

you know, go on a bit. No, they didn't.

They were quite long-winded, some of them.

They weren't. You can ramble...

There were lots of very, very good, short anecdotes I told.

You don't have any short anecdotes.

What about that one about Penelope Keith and Peter Bowles

when we went to the dog track in Catford,

the greyhound story?

You remember I had a greyhound?

Every time we went down to the training place

and met the trainer, who was called Randy Singleton,

the dog used to sort of come up and lick me

but I thought, "Well, how do I know that's my dog?"

And there were other people there, there was...

I have a feeling that Maureen Lipman might have been there,

but it was quite, you know, big names,

and Peter Bowles' mother was there.

So Peter and Penny were mortified

and, I mean, there was nothing else for it,

I just turned round and told Randy Singleton

that he could bloody well go and fuck himself.

Here are some more of my dad's best bits.

Did you ever, like, meet Maggie Thatcher?

No, I think I spotted her once across a room, aged eight,

and was quite intimidated.

You're not trying to get me to tell that story?

He's trying to get me to tell the story

because I went out a few times with Carol, their daughter.

Did you ever French kiss Carol Thatcher?

I don't want to hear...shut up! Yes, I did. I have to say I did.

Oh, brilliant.

I went from between French kissing and heavy petting.

But I never went further than that with her,

and she asked me back to Number 10 Downing Street

to meet the parents

and it was sort of midnight-ish

and I was beginning to get a little - I mean, not...I wasn't drunk...

You were pissed. I was not.

Anyway, I went out into the hall to order a cab

and I rang up the cab company and Carol was standing next to me,

and I said, "Oh, hello, I'd like a cab please

"to Number 10 Downing Street."

And the chap at the other end said, "Oh, yes, sir? 10 Downing Street?

"Right, and what would your name be?"

And I said, "Whitehall", and he said, "Oh, right."

She then grabbed the phone off me, Carol,

because she could see I wasn't coping very well with it,

and she said, "Hello?"

And the guy at the other end says, "Yes, hello?"

And she said, "Have you got all those details?"

And he said, "Yes I've got Mr Whitehall from 10 Downing Street.

"Who would you be, madam?"

And she said "My name is Thatcher."

At which point the man put the phone down

and I didn't get a cab.

That is the worst excuse I have ever heard

for sleeping with Carol Thatcher.

What's the furthest north you've ever been?

Worcester?

So, Worcester is the furthest north...

You went to school in Yorkshire. Yeah.

Well, that is further north than Worcester.

No, but I never went, sort of, into Yorkshire, as it were.

We used to go up from King's Cross Station to York

in a private train...

Whoa, whoa, whoa - sorry, you went to school

on a private train from King's Cross?

Did you have to run through a wall to get to the platform?

We went up to York Station and when we got out...

And then Hagrid put you in the boats.

And then we spent the term there

and then we came back at the end of term.

To the muggles.

If I may just have a word with you about -

because you've got a very, very attractive younger wife,

and I had the same - well, I still do have the same.

But where you've got this to look forward to

is the benefit of having a younger wife

when you're getting near my age... Yeah.

Because then you've got somebody to carry the heavy shopping...

..the heavy suitcases on holiday,

the car puncture, out of the car, fixes the puncture.

And, dare I say...in the bedroom.

OK, we don't, we don't...

We don't want to hear about in the bedroom,

with you and my mother.

In the bedroom, light bulb goes out...

Oh, thank God.

She's up the ladder, changes the light bulb. Phew!

I thought you were going somewhere different.

And the sex is good too. Oh, for...

Let me tell you about the night of your conception... Whoa!

Then we won't have any more of this "Are you my daddy?"

We don't want that...let's move on.

It was the night of the Great Storm, you remember that night?

None of you want to hear it. When Michael Fish...

I do. I want to hear it. Shut up, Lee.

Michael Fish wasn't... The storm. Yes.

He said there wasn't going to be a storm,

there was this huge storm... Yeah.

And we had some people for dinner, we had six people for dinner.

Was one of them Nigel? Just wondering.

No. No, no.

Just wondering. Don't encourage him.

We had six people for dinner and then they left at about midnight

and that's when the storm started,

and there was sort of rumbling and...and it got...

It got very, very hot that night, and it started raining

and Hilary - that's my wife, Hilary, and his mother -

we went for a walk round the block

and then we got to the front door, having had our walk and...

You remember that big tree in front of the front door?

I wasn't born. No, but there was a big tree,

and your mother leant against the tree

and her dress was beginning to slightly ride up...

Oh, my God! Because of the heat and because...

And of course she's got rain on her as well

and she looked very, you know, exciting,

and I thought, just for a moment,

I thought "Could this be a knee trembler opportunity?"

Oh, my God!

OK, I believe you. I believe you.

Nigel's not my dad. Nigel's not my dad, I believe you.

Please carry on, this is saving me ?2.50 a minute.

She walked up the stairs... I believe you.

We got to the top of the stairs, which was our bedroom,

and she lay on the bed...

OK, shall we bring out Santabusi?

She started to - well, she didn't undress exactly... Kriss, help!

She just lay there, and I got so excited... Kriss!

I mean, so excited,

that I jumped the gun.

OH, MY GOD!

Why are you laughing?

Because we've just seen a bit.

But you haven't seen it - you don't know whether it's funny or not.

No, it's just how it works. OK.

So, let's talk about guests.

Of all the people we had on...

DOOR BELL RINGS

What? Who's that?

Oh, excuse me, this is Morris.

Who the fuck is Morris? The upholsterer.

Sorry, you've booked an upholsterer to come round?

Yeah, he's just - he won't be here very long.

You knew we were going to do...

Ah, Morris - hello, hi, lovely to see you.

Right, OK, can I have a word, please? Yes, OK.

No, not you.

What the hell is this? You knew we were doing this today.

Yes. You couldn't have had him coming over on another day?

But I didn't think we'd be doing it all day.

We're only doing it for a couple of hours.

He said he was in the area, he could come over, look at some...

We're not doing a whole show based on Morris's schedule.

I know we're not. I'm quite busy as well.

OK, well... Where can we...?

We're not doing it in there whilst he's doing...

OK, well, I'm not going in that kitchen,

it stinks of that ghastly chicken.

Oh, yes, I know where we could go.

This is weird. Why?

Doing it in your bedroom. Odd.

Not really.

It's good enough for Morecambe and Wise,

it'll be good enough for us.

OK.

This bed's got some slightly dodgy springs.

I'm afraid your mother got very over-excited

during the Christmas holiday period. Oh, my God...

BBC Three felt the show might be feeling a little bit posh

and a little bit old,

so we decided that we would do the best thing

and book a 92-year-old member of the House of Lords.

She's 92 - that is amazing, right?

Sh...

I'm not 92, I'm 91.

Sorry!

I'm sorry, Baroness.

Where are you getting all this tripe from?

It's all from your Wikipedia page.

Probably written by you,

or someone even less educated.

Jeremy! Stop being so mean!

Also can I just say - you won't know this -

Lee Mack used to be a Redcoat at Butlins,

so he too...you know...

Could I just say...?

APPLAUSE

You made a schoolboy error there.

I appreciate you are a schoolboy,

but I was not a Redcoat at Butlins -

I was a Bluecoat at Pontins.

So of..of the three words you needed,

you only got the word "coat" correct.

Now, one thing I want to talk to you about

is you have just opened a boutique

in...or you're about to open a boutique...

I'm not, but I'll say, "Yes." You're not? No. Am I?

Fucking Wikipedia is bullshit.

What the fuck's Wikipedia saying now?

Apparently my home was invaded

by false widow spiders the other week,

that was bollocks.

There goes my next question.

Your life and career is just fantastic.

You were basically a spy.

No.

Do you want me to do this? Yeah - no, put that down,

we'll do that in a sec. Right.

So we're pretending Kriss Akabusi has just gone...

Sorry, this sets up something at the end of the show

and someone forgot what they were meant to be talking about.

Oh, cheers.

The trouble is, someone isn't always told

what they're supposed to do.

I have to keep it all in my young head.

Right.

You made a lot of mistakes at the beginning.

I've been writing them down - you made one, two, three...

This has been Backchat. Good night.

You've all had a good show.

Nick, I particularly enjoyed some of your anecdotes

towards the beginning,

but worry that on some of the tasks, you took a bit of a back seat.

Mr Biz, you remind me of a younger me,

even though you're older than me and a grime rapper.

Father, you were very grumpy at the beginning of the evening,

but you warmed up a little bit

and I did enjoy some of your interjections.

However, your reference to my mother's party hats

will haunt me for the rest of my life.

It's for this reason that, with regret,

Father, you're fired.

Why are we up here? It's bloody freezing.

Because this is nice, picturesque,

so I thought we could have, like, a reflective moment

for the end of the series, so... Reflective about what, though?

Just being reflective, you know? We're looking back on the series,

I thought it'd be nice to have a reflective moment to end on.

So just look out...

No, not over there, just look towards the river

and just be reflective, OK?

That's not reflective, you look angry.

I'm not, I'm just thinking about... Sh, sh, sh.

Those bloody cyclists.

They're not taxed, like we are - I pay tax, my car...

This isn't about cyclists. ..insurance...

Just shut up and be reflective.

Well, that's it, the end of the series.

I hope you've enjoyed it as much as we've enjoyed making it,

and with any luck, we'll see you again soon.

I'm not sure I'll be around for that.

Don't end the series on that.

What do you mean? Could you be any more morbid?

You will, if you look after yourself,

you know, cut down on the alcohol a bit,

I'm sure you'll keep going for a lot longer.

I'm not talking about that.

You don't seriously think I'm going to do another series for BBC Three

at the money they've been paying me?

OK - well, we won't see you again soon.

Good night.

Well, you might. Good night.

Why is your name before mine?

Because...

Ridiculous. What do all these people do?

They all work on the show.

But we do all the work on the...

No, we don't, these are the amazing people...

If it wasn't for them, we wouldn't be able to make the show.

Well, where do they come from?

A bunch of freeloaders, are they?

I've never met any of these people.