Christmas Special Backchat with Jack Whitehall and His Dad

This programme contains some strong language

Hello and welcome to a very special edition of Backchat.

We've got a stocking-load of guests on the show tonight and,

as always, we are joined by the lump of coal at the bottom,

the man who makes Scrooge look positively jolly,

the ghost of Christmas past, my father, Michael Whitehall.

APPLAUSE

Do you like...? Do you like the festive additions to the set?

Do you like my big balls?

I think those balls are absolutely ludicrous.

They're nice!

-They're far, far too big.

-So they show up on...

They remind me of my balls after...

After you were born. For six months after you were born.

-I mean, your mother was just exhausted...

-Right, OK.

Thank you. That's a lovely way to start the show,

-talking about your... Oh!

-You know...

I hope they weren't that glittery...

or red. OK. Yes, tonight is Backschat...

I can't even say Backchat now

cos that's all I'm thinking of is my dad's scrot'. OK, right.

Yes, tonight is Backchat's seasonal winter festival show,

and so we've got all manner of goodies lined up to make this

the perfect seasonal winter festival.

What is this seasonal what?

Seasonal winter festival special, that's what this evening is.

-It's not. It's a Christmas special.

-No, it's not, because Christmas is..

-It is...

-..and we are open to all religions..

We are Christians. Father Christmas.

It's Christmas. Bethlehem, Jesus, you know.

We are just saying that

we are inclusive to people of all faiths and all creeds.

Those of you that are celebrating Hanukah, Diwali

and the African holiday of Kwanzaa, you are all welcome.

And my father is welcoming you as well.

I think actually this would be a great opportunity for you to

wish all the people at home that are celebrating the African

holiday of Kwanzaa a Merry Kwanzaa.

So this show's going out in Africa, is it?

Look down your camera and say "Happy Kwanzaa" to the

nice people at home from Africa.

Happy Wangsar for everybody...

Kwanzaa. And also they're in Africa,

so you should probably do it in Nigerian.

-No?

-I think I've done it.

-OK.

Don't get your knickers in a twist though,

because later on in the show I have organised something

-quite traditional for you.

-Yeah.

-You know my show Bad Education?

-Vaguely.

-Well, all the kids from my class...

-Yeah.

..are going to be singing tonight in a choir and I've got them

-to sing a traditional Christmas carol for you, so...

-Very nice.

..that is at least something you can be looking forward to.

I love Christmas. It's all about the tree,

the smell of mulled wine, my father being casually racist by the fire.

It's all about the TV adverts at Christmas now.

The John Lewis advert this year

depicts a hare waking a big sleepy bear from hibernation

just in time for Christmas.

Ah, sweet. Although, as a keen amateur zoologist, I can't help

but find that advert a little misleading.

Were you to actually wake a brown bear midway

through its hibernation, the script would probably be more like this.

ADVERT'S MUSIC

A hare frolics through a snowy glade and chances upon his friend,

a big snoozing bear.

He prods his pal with a gentle paw, waking him up from his slumber.

This causes a massive trauma to the animal's metabolic recovery cycle

and sends the bear

into uncontrollable fits of shit-flinging rage,

brutally ripping the hare limb from limb before

popping its internal organs out like an Edamame bean, and then slinging

the hairy shell onto the ground like a used condom, without a flicker of

festive goodwill or Christmas cheer as it lacks the neural mechanisms

to experience human emotions because it's a fucking bear.

Merry Christmas.

APPLAUSE

You love Christmas though, don't you, Daddy, really?

I love Christmas a lot more than I love this ludicrous thing

-that you've made me wear.

-It looks nice. It was either...

-It was either that or a onesie.

-It's...

Well, anyway, I won't say any more about this ludicrous outfit.

I still don't think you're looking festive enough.

I know what might work.

APPLAUSE

That's better.

You look nice.

I just realised with those lights kind of flashing round you,

you look a little bit like one of those women you see through

the windows in Amsterdam.

I wouldn't know, of course.

-You would presumably.

-Only from the outside.

-Hmm.

Time now to bring out some guests,

the first of whom is a pretty incredible lady.

Baroness Trumpington of Sandwich.

-She's a friend of mine. You know the Baroness, of course.

-I do, yes.

Basically, BBC Three felt the show might be feeling a little bit posh

and a little bit old, so we decided that we would do the best thing

and book a 92-year-old member of the House of Lords.

She's 92. That is amazing, right?

APPLAUSE

The Baroness will be joined by the star of Not Going Out

and Would I Lie To You? One of my favourite comedians, Lee Mack.

So, ladies and gentlemen, would you please give a warm welcome to

a couple separated at birth? It's Baroness Trumpington and Lee Mack.

Shush!

I'm not 92. I'm 91.

Sorry!

I'm sorry, Baroness.

-There you go. What if me and Jack fall?

-Well...

We all go together.

-So nice to see you.

-Can I call you Baby Doll?

You may. Please do.

I'll be honest with you,

as soon as we're all sat down I'll be a lot more relaxed.

Right. You've got my hand.

Right. Let the party begin.

-Let's kick our shoes off. Let's open the gin.

-Yeah!

Thank you very, very much for coming on the show.

Before I start, I need to ask a little bit of protocol.

-How should I address you?

-Lee Mack would be...

Oh, sorry.

-The Baroness.

-Me?

-Yes, Baroness.

Well, you can either do Baroness Trumpington,

Lady Trumpington or just call me Trumps.

Trumps? Amazing. OK.

That was not the answer I was expecting,

-but I shall call you Trumps.

-Yeah, feel free.

But, Trumps, you don't... This seems...

-It already seems a bit weird.

-What did he say?

-He thinks... It seems a bit weird calling you...

-Trumps.

-Calling you Trumps.

-I know.

-What about Barry?

-No, I...

Well, Barry is an abbreviation of Baroness. Does that work?

-Perfectly awful.

-Oh, right then.

No, no, no, stick to Trumps and you won't go wrong.

Lee, if you were ennobled what would you be?

-If I had had no balls?

-No.

I'd be the Baron...

Baron Wasteland.

I've discovered he could be Baron Red Rum because he rode Red Rum.

He did, yeah. And you're quite in...

We had a good chat about horse racing

till you asked us to come out here.

We were getting on great, weren't we? Having a chat about horse...

-Because you're quite into your horse racing, aren't you?

-I loved it.

I really loved racing, and I went to see Frankel the other day

-and he's a hell of a horse.

-ONE PERSON CLAPS

He's been put out to stud now.

Somebody else there is keen on racing.

It was a horse. We have Frankel. Frankel!

Now I want to ask you about your Christmas,

as this is a Christmas show.

Lee, what is the Lee Mack Christmas like?

Well, I'm ashamed to admit that I don't do much

cooking in my house, so it's the once a year that I do do it.

And for the last few years

I have religiously stuck by Nigella Lawson's cookery book.

I have genuinely, and I always thought...

She asks you to get the turkey and put it in a bucket of water

and leave it in your cellar, or outside, for five days,

and I've always thought that's a very odd thing to do, just leave a

turkey soaking in a bucket of water, but if she says 'do it' do it.

Turns out she was just off her tits.

Baroness Trumpington, at Christmas, do you cook?

Yes.

-Is your Christmas a traditional one?

-I seem to spend days stuffing.

Watch it.

The worst Christmas I've ever spent was

when I was Mayor of Cambridge and every day for three weeks

Christmas meant lunch was turkey, chestnuts,

potatoes and Brussels sprouts followed by Christmas pudding.

Tea time was Christmas turkey, Brussels sprouts.

Supper was Christmas turkey, Brussels sprouts, for three weeks.

I'll tell you what, I can where you got the nickname Trumps.

At the end...

APPLAUSE

Lee, what is your Christmas wish list this year?

What are you hoping to get in your stocking?

What am I hoping to get? I'd just...

Good will for all men and...

-a dildo.

-Oh, my god.

Baroness, what's on your Christmas wish list in terms of presents?

Anything with diamonds will do.

Because I thought maybe like you could get one of the E-Lite

cigarettes because you were a smoker and you've had to stop smoking.

I know. It's been a very difficult life, you know.

After all, one started smoking at the age of 11.

Cigarettes for the uncle,

my brothers and I used to say when we went to the village shop.

But we always got the cigarettes. We then smoked them in the pig sties,

until my brothers were sick and that gave the game away to my mother.

So, it meant a rather bleak time

when we had to give up cigarettes at the age of 12.

Trumps...

Last year, you caused a bit of a stir when you...

and you came to notoriety amongst many people for something you

did in the House of Lords to your chum Lord King.

Could you talk us through what happened?

Well, there he was and he was being rather rude

actually about older women, and I happened to be standing

quite near...

And it seemed the obvious thing to do, don't you agree?

And so you what?

So I gave him the V sign.

Fantastic.

Fair do's.

Maybe I should do that to you more often.

I just take it.

Trumps, as well, this is incredible about you.

Your life and career is just fantastic.

You were basically a spy.

No.

-But you were a code breaker at Bletchley Park.

-Yes.

What were Christmases like at Bletchley Park?

Memories of Christmas during the war are very vague to me

because it didn't make much difference. You were working.

You know, you didn't really have much fun at that place

because you worked and you hitchhiked to London...

And then you danced all night

and you never got really enough sleep, and here I am.

Here you are.

Well, Baroness Trumpington is being very, very modest.

We owe her a great deal of gratitude for what she did.

A very, very brave woman.

Yeah.

Also, can I just say? You won't know this.

Lee Mack used to be a redcoat at Butlins, so he too...

-You know...

-Could I just say...?

-Thank you.

You made a schoolboy error there,

-I appreciate...

-Bluecoat.

-I appreciate you are a school boy,

but I was not a redcoat at Butlins.

I was a bluecoat at Pontins. So of the...

Of the three words you needed, you only got the word coat correct.

The redcoats are Catholics, bluecoats are protestant.

Completely... Completely different thing.

-So, yeah. No, I was...

-BELLS JINGLE

What is that? Is that...?

Could it be?

Maybe? Is it him?

Boom! Boom! boom!

-Oh, my God! It's Santabusi!

-Merry Christmas!

Boom, boom, boom, boom!

-Boom!

-Pull your beard down.

Hey, what's up? Boom, boom, boom, boom. What's up, Jack?

All right.

Trumpington! Can I just...? Can I...?

- Not the lips. Not the lips.

Watch out Baroness, he's a bit of a Harry Styles Akabusi.

-Hello, Michael.

-Hi, Santa.

My buddy for a long time, for a long range.

Santabusi, thank you so much for coming.

How are the preparations for Christmas going?

Going fantastic, Jack.

You want to see the presents I've got going all over the globe.

Ho, ho, ho! Boom, boom, boom! Akabusi coming down the chimney.

Are the reindeer all fed and exercised?

Oh, yeah. Rudolph, polished his nose, gave him a little tickle

under the belly. I say to him "Fella, you've got to be quick

"because you know Jack's waiting for you, son, you know what I'm saying?"

-Yeah.

-Michael.

-Yeah.

Has he been a good boy or a good girl?

I'm finding it very difficult to believe you,

genuinely believe you as Santa Claus, who you know was German.

I mean, Santa Claus is a German. St Nicholas, he's...

It's a German tradition.

HE SPEAKS GERMAN

-Ah right.

-Akabusi speaks German?!

I'm German, but I want to speak English.

Boom, boom, boom, all right!

So now we know.

-Here is our Christmas wish list.

-Okey-dokey.

Please, I hope we can have the presents that we want this year.

Okey-dokey.

We'll maybe see you later Akabusi.

-See you later!

-Santabusi!

-Boom, boom, boom!

- Boom, boom, boom.

He's like the thinking man's Basil Brush, isn't he?

I have to be honest, Jack, and say I'm not a huge fan of Santa Claus

-and all that stuff.

-Why? What's wrong with...?

-Because he's very German.

-Why?

I mean, the Baroness fought the war, fought to keep us...

the Germans away, right?

Stop. It's Christmas.

SHE SPEAKS GERMAN

You see, she agrees.

And, I mean, the worst thing for me are carols,

-our beautiful English carols.

-Oh, God, not this again.

And sometimes they even do those in foreign languages, which is...

-What do you mean, foreign languages?

-Well, German or...

I'm sorry, I'm just being honest.

It's sort of like Father...

Fritzmas almost, the whole thing.

OK. Let's move on with the show.

We're now going to show you a VT that we did of me

and my father going to a cuddling workshop.

This was a genuine thing that we went and did.

Now every week we do one of these bonding things.

I thought it would be nice, cos it's the Christmas episode,

for you to introduce it rather than me always having to do it,

so I wrote you down a little intro there on your table.

All you have to do is read that out.

Christmas is the season of good will to all men - sounds a bit gay.

Christmas is the season of good will to all men

because all men are beautiful.

What is this you've written? It's rubbish.

I love beautiful men, especially muscley ones.

What is this all about?

The reason we've come here today is to partake in a cuddle workshop.

I think, when we grew up, my father didn't give me enough hugs.

In my day it was always a firm handshake.

I hope it's not some sort of gay fest he's getting me into here.

The one thing that I hope I can get out of today is just one real

hug from my father.

"Discover and let go of your hidden agendas around physical contact."

-I mean, what the

-BLEEP

-does that mean?

-You need to change into your clothes.

-What clothes?

Well, I told you, you have to wear casual stuff.

-This is. This is my lightweight suit.

-That's casu..

You don't think I normally come into London dressed like this?

He's not going to like meeting other people.

He's not going to like physical contact with strangers.

He's not going to like having to talk to strangers.

He's not going to like being in a community centre.

-What's the next stage?

-At least take your shoes off.

I'm not taking my shoes off - this is not a mosque.

No. No.

Right, OK, so why are we all here?

(Why indeed.)

He's probably going to not like the woman that runs this workshop,

because he doesn't really like women. And he certainly

doesn't like women that try and get him to cuddle strangers.

We are here because in some format we believe that physical touch

is very, very important for bonding, so between children and adults

and parents, our mission is about creating more cuddly Britain.

OK. We're going to do a back massage.

So, putting your thumbs into the tops of the shoulders...

OK.

Giving as you would like to receive.

I think the fact that my father didn't hug me enough

as a child has affected me in a very deep and sort of scarring way.

I now have problems in my own life with intimacy

and I sort of blame him for that.

My father's not very good with strangers.

He's not very good with physical contact with strangers.

So I think it's going to be quite hard for him,

but I think it's very important that he just lets himself go

and just breaks through those barriers.

I hope after this my father sort of lets go a little bit more

and becomes a more open person, a more tolerant person,

a more loving person and a more hugging person.

Would you like to share a hug?

Definitely not.

-No.

-OK.

I think it went really well.

I really enjoyed it.

Shall we have a hug?

And I think, by the end of the session,

my dad was beginning to enjoy it as well.

-Thank you very much indeed.

-Thank you.

Suddenly, all the problems that we had evaporated

and I really felt like we bonded.

It was the most awful experience I've ever had in my life.

By the end he was hugging people and, you know,

he really looked like he was enjoying it.

It was a total waste of an afternoon as far as I was concerned.

Total waste of time.

APPLAUSE

I feel I want... I want a hug now.

Yeah. Did that make you feel like you want a cuddle?

I feel like I could be hugged by your father, but the problem is

if I do get hugged by him, the carrot that's sticking out of his...

-might...

-Exactly.

-You know when you have a slow dance with a girl

and something comes between you?

Do you feel like you'd like a cuddle, any of you?

Would you like a cuddle? Should we cuddle or are you not interested?

It depends on the place and who with.

-Well, I sort of meant me, like now maybe.

-Well, why not?

Come on, let's do it.

-Ahhh!

-Ohh!

Time now to meet our next guests.

He is the star of film and television

and one of the most handsome men I've ever met.

All of this series, my father has been desperate to book this man.

Now it's the Christmas show, I gave in, he's coming on.

He also happens to be my godfather and my dad's best friend.

Not a year goes by when he doesn't turn up at Christmas

with a beautiful woman on his arm. And tonight is no exception.

Please would you welcome Nigel Havers and Christine Bleakley?

You probably knew...

-I knew, yes.

-Hello. How are you?

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Lovely to see you.

-Lovely to see you. Nice to see you.

-Oh, lovely to see you.

-Oh, lovely to see you.

-And the Baroness.

-The Baroness.

I have to say that all my friends are going to die of jealousy.

That's my... That's my fan base.

- Can I just say, Nigel... Yeah.

All of my friends couldn't give less of a shit.

Thank you very much. - Sorry. I'm only being honest.

Thank you so much for having me on the show. Be nice...

And you are my godfather. For the people that don't believe that...

That is not something that's been made up on Wikipedia.

-You are my genuine...

-God, look, that's us at Christmas when I...

Oh, my goodness.

-Look at those teeth.

-Shut up!

How did you fit them in your mouth? Well, you didn't obviously.

Those teeth cost me a fortune.

I mean, they cost me even more than sending him to a private school.

-Really?

-To get those teeth to look like Nigel's.

Why is it, Jack, now as a fully grown man,

you're dressed like a child,

and there you're dressed as a middle aged man?

You've completely got that the wrong way round.

Because of that!

Because that is my father and he made me

dress like a bank manager until I had the chance to leave home,

and then I was allowed to dress like I wanted to.

I always insisted that he wore a tie when Nigel came to visit.

-Now, Nige, you're...

-Yeah?

-..you're doing panto this year?

-I am doing... Yeah.

-Why should we come and see your panto?

-Good question.

It's called Robin Hood and I am the Sheriff of Nottingham.

-Oh, fantastic.

-Hence a little bit of this and...

Also, it has a trailer.

You know the way panto's have trailers, right?

-This is the trailer.

-I've not seen it, so I can't wait.

The world premiere of the trailer.

This is so intense it's amazing.

VOICEOVER: This Christmas at the Theatre Royal, Plymouth,

only one man can save panto dame Jeffrey Holland

and comedy king Bobby Davro from the evil Sheriff Nigel Havers.

Lee Mead is Robin Hood.

Robin Hood, the pantomime adventure at the Theatre Royal Plymouth,

from December 20th.

APPLAUSE

-Oh!

-That is good.

It looks amazing!

I like...

-Unbelievable.

-I particularly like the voiceover.

-The voiceover.

-Mel Gibson and Nigel Havers in pantomime.

-With Bobby Davro.

-Yeah.

I like that it has that really intense style and then

when you actually get into the action of it,

-it does look a little bit like it might develop into a porno.

-Yeah.

It does have that porno look.

Would you ever be up for doing panto, Christine?

I thought you were going to say porno.

Yeah, no, let's discuss.

Oh, my God!

Nigel, that was singularly the sleaziest thing I have ever seen...

-I'm sorry.

-..and I've never been more proud

-to have you as my godfather.

-I don't know what came over me.

"Let's talk about this, Christine."

Thank fuck you're not sitting next to the Baroness.

Would you ever do a pantomime?

Oh, I'd be useless. I love panto though.

I've got to say, I love going to watch...

Why would you be useless? You'd be brilliant.

Oh, no, my memory is useless. It's a really, really tough job.

You don't need a memory for panto. You just need to turn up.

No. You make it look easy.

It's a very, very tough job as an actor, isn't it?

It's a very tough job, yeah.

Baroness, would you ever be in a pantomime?

I was just wondering why you have so much hair on your faces.

Have you forgotten to shave?

-It's the new style.

-We're just rocking the Pax..

I am playing the Sheriff of Nottingham,

-so I thought I'd look a bit...

-Disgusting.

Yeah.

I'll tell you, Jack, what I'm a bit worried about is

-I know it's BBC Three and I know it's low budget...

-Yeah.

..but couldn't we have afforded a bigger sofa?

That's what I would have...

Did you think? Yes, I thought you felt the same way. Yes.

Well, if Santabusi comes back out as well, where's he going to sit?

I mean, if he's going to sit on that sofa we're in big trouble.

Although, normally, the Santa, you sit down

and then someone sits on your lap,

so maybe he could use your chair and you could sit on his lap.

-No, thank you.

-I shouldn't try that.

-Just throwing it out there.

Now you're not the only person that's doing something

exciting this Christmas.

Lee, you have got the Not Going Out Christmas Special.

Yes, we have, and we filmed it last night and my son was in it.

Why would you do that?

Never work with any of your family.

He's... He's nine. He's two years younger than Jack.

Yeah, Not Going Out Christmas Special,

and he's got a little part in it, and he's not...

Because I was worried because, you know...

working with your own child. Because I often...

I'm obviously a big fan of this show

-and I see the disappointment in your eyes, Michael.

-Mm, yeah.

You don't say it, but it's etched on your face.

This is never what I wanted of him.

Christine, what does your Christmas entail?

What will you be doing this Christmas?

Probably, like everyone else, eating too much, drinking too much.

Big, big family do.

I think I'll have all of my lot over in London and...

So, it's not true. Frank does not eat all the pies.

So he's... But he's playing this Christmas.

Yeah, they play Boxing Day, so they're all in a hotel

on Christmas night, so they all have to behave themselves, yeah.

We carry on partying and eating, but he has to go bye,

-door closes and off he goes.

-Oh, no.

-Depressing.

Yeah, it is a little bit for all of them,

-but, you know, they get on with it.

-Just think of the money.

Yeah, don't worry about it. They're fine. They're fine, yeah.

Does he have like a sip of wine on Christmas Day?

No, no, he's very...

He doesn't drink at all at least two days before a game.

Third day before it's totally fine, but no... No, I'm joking.

-No, he's very good actually.

-It's like me, I don't drink, you know,

at least two hours before I go on stage.

-Yeah, but you drink heavily on stage.

-Well, of course.

Of course. And you've been engaged to Frank for three years?

-Two, two years.

-Two years. Two years, sorry.

-Yeah, yeah.

Look how upset Nigel is.

I am mortified. God, you're a good looking girl.

-Nigel! Stop it!

-Sorry, sorry.

-It's the drink.

-Oh, amazing and so...

-Oh, yes, lovely.

-..sound of wedding bells?

Yes, yeah, yeah, it's all... It's all ticking along.

Had to wait to see if England would qualify for the World Cup,

which of course they have.

You should have got engaged to a Scottish footballer -

it would have been way safer.

The guest list for the wedding, has that been all drawn up?

-No, it hasn't actually.

-Oh, it hasn't. Very interesting.

How many people are you going to be inviting? A big one? Small?

I'm thinking small.

People you work with a lot and you meet...

-Do you want to go, Jack?

-I'm not...

Did I sound like I was trying to get an invite?

I'd love to have you there, Jack.

Please invite me. I really want to meet Frank.

-I'd love to have you there. Yep, no problem.

-OK.

Frank loves you. He did say to say "hi".

I know. I met Frank once. I thought he was absolutely amazing.

He's such a... You meet him and he's just so smart and so charming,

and you're like "You're a footballer, how?"

As a role model for Molly, my daughter, you would just be

so brilliant because I say with Molly, "One night stands,

"no way, none of that sort of stuff. Just have a long relationship,

"long engagement period. You get to know one another as

"as people, as friends and everything..."

-You need to be sure...

-"and eventually it leads to marriage."

You would be absolutely perfect for Molly in terms of a role model.

I take that as a huge compliment.

Apart from the fact that your husband's a footballer.

-Well, yeah. Sorry about that.

-I'm not sure.

He has a GCSE in Latin.

Really? Oh, right.

Baroness, would you ever date a sportsman?

I think you'd make a wonderful WAG.

That's the first time anybody's made that proposal to me.

-Did you ever date any sportsmen?

-Did I what?

Did you ever... Jack wants to know what you're doing a week on Friday.

Baroness, I'd love to take you to the football some time.

- You would? I'd love to...

Would you like to come to a football match one day?

- Why not? Why not?

She wouldn't come to a Chelsea game though,

because she's Millwall till she dies. Seriously.

I'd like to take you racing because I was brought up...

I had no idea they all took their teeth out

before they played football.

That is a lovely image.

- Baroness, I'd like to take you racing

because I was brought up in Newmarket.

-Ahh. I've got Frankel written there...

-Nigel, easy.

-..because I kept forgetting his name.

-Sit, sit.

-And I went to see Frankel last time he ran.

-So did I.

-Yes, fabulous. But you went to see him recently?

-Yes, I did.

And he was doing his business in stud...

Yes, he was, with an Australian girl.

Really? Fantastic. Is he doing all right?

-Well, his first 10 foals have been sold this week, I think.

-Ah...

- This is literally the poshest conversation I've ever heard.

Could I just butt in and go back to an earlier point you made?

Who are these footballers who take their teeth out

before they play football?

-I hate to tell you, but it's Cambridge United.

-Oh, right.

They did, it's true though, they used to take them out.

-Not so much nowadays because...

-No, they take them out now.

Well, they tend to... You know,

they're not as tough as they used to be,

the old footballers, so they.. Now they don't even...

Even their hair doesn't get moved.

Never in my life have I ever heard such language as...

I mean, it was really quite extraordinary.

Everything began with F.

Oh, it's not like that now. It all begins with C nowadays.

Blimey.

Now, Nige, you have basically been at every event in my life.

You're there at Christmases, at birthdays...

You were even at...

my birth.

Well, funny you said that,

because I'm actually wearing the dinner jacket

I wore on the day you were born because I went into the hospital...

Yeah. Why...? Cos my dad tells me this story

-that you were there at my birth.

-Yeah.

-Why were you there?

Well, I knew you were going to be born and Michael said, you know

"Just drop in and say hi."

So I was on my way somewhere and I walked into the hospital.

Michael said, "Hello", and he said, "Why don't you come in?"

-And we walked straight into the delivery room...

-That's right.

..and your mum, you know, was like this...

Yeah, I know how people give birth, thank you.

..and at that moment you appeared.

You were always very close to my mum and dad.

-Yeah, very, yeah.

-OK.

And you were there at my birth,

and I've always felt like we don't look that similar.

And then when I see you, I always think...

..you know.

Are you sure you're not my dad?

We've got the DNA test results here.

Can I put an end to this? Because you go on and on and on in this story...

Come on. You can see where it comes from. I only bring it up because...

Let me tell you about the night of your conception,

then we won't have any more of this "are you my daddy?"

-Let me tell you what happened.

-No, no we don't want that. Let's move on.

It was the night of the great storm, you remember that night?

No-one wants to hear this. None of you want to hear it?

-I want to hear it.

-Shut up, Lee.

-The storm, yes.

That's right. And Michael Fish said there wasn't going to be

-a storm, there was this huge storm...

-Yeah.

And we had some people for dinner. We had six people for dinner.

-Was one of them Nigel? Just...

-No. No, no.

-I was just wondering...

-Don't encourage him.

-Sorry, carry on.

We had six people for dinner and then they left at about midnight,

and that's when the storm started, and there was sort of rumbling and...

It got very, very hot that night, and it started raining

and Hilary, that's my wife Hilary and his mother,

we went for a walk round the block

and then we got to the front door having had our walk, and there...

You remember that big tree in front of the front door?

-I wasn't born. I mean...

-No. but there was a big tree and your mother

leant against the tree, and her dress was beginning to slightly ride up...

-Oh, my God!

-..because of the heat.

And, of course, she's got rain on her as well and she looked very,

you know, exciting. And I thought, just for a moment, I thought

-"Could this be a knee trembler...?"

-Oh, my god!

-OK, I believe you. I believe you.

-I put that out of my mind...

Nigel's not my dad. Nigel's not my dad, I believe you.

Please carry on, this is saving me £2.50 a minute.

-She walked up the stairs...

-I believe you.

We got to the top of the stairs, which was our bedroom,

-and she lay on the bed...

-OK, shall we bring out Santabusi?

-And she started to... Well she didn't undress exactly...

-Chris, help!

And I got so excited. I mean, so excited that I jumped the gun.

Oh, my God! Bring him out!

Santabusi! Oh, Jack! Oh, fella! I'm feeling for you, fella.

Oh, Jack! Don't worry, fella, Santa's in the room.

I've never been happier to see you in my life.

Ho-ho-ho-ho! I've got some presents for you.

-Oh, good.

-Have you been a good boy? Have you been a good girl?

- I think so. Oh, righty, all right.

You've got competition, Nige.

I've got some stuff. Oh, this is a big one for the Baroness.

- Ohh!

Oh, sweetheart, for you.

- Oh, how exciting. Specially done for luck.

Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh. Boom!

Oh, thank you so much.

I'm not sure, are we opening them now or are we waiting?

No, we're opening them all now.

Oh, it's got Christine all over this, sweetie. Boom!

It's now also got spit all over it.

Santabusi.

Well, this can be the one and only, ding, ding, ding, check it out.

-Marvellous.

-Boom, boom, boom, thank you very much.

-Thank you!

-Thank you.

Thank you! Thank you!

Jack...

Santabusi, come sit with me.

You know what...?

-You come sit on one of my balls.

-My heaven, it's got a nose.

It's so exciting, these presents. Look at this.

OK.

-What is that exactly?

-A truss.

-Oh, wait. No, that's a mix up.

-Oh, is it?

No, because the snorkel...

The scuba diving material wasn't for Baroness Trumpington.

Oh, sorry, you've got the wrong present.

That was for Christine, because I thought maybe

if you were going on honeymoon.

-This wasn't my present?

-No, there's a mix up.

Baroness, I think... I think this was meant to be for you.

-Yours is the hot water bottle and...

-That's for your feet.

Lee, what have you got?

I've got just what I always wanted, I've got the

Success Comes in Cans: Learning lessons for life with Chris Akabusi.

It's my favourite book ever.

-I want my bottle back.

-Oh, sorry.

Seriously, that book is amazing.

When I was on tour and I got lonely, I used to read that every night

and it reminded me that even if no-one else

in the world loved me, Chris did.

Here's a good bit of advice.

-You miss 100% of the shots you don't take...

-That's true.

..which reminds me of the story you just told us about the...

No! Lee! Leave it.

Right, I'm going to do my presents now.

What have you bought?

Oh, wow. - Goodness.

Oh, look at those. Here we go.

-One for you.

-Thank you.

-One for you.

-Thank you very much.

-One for you.

-They all feel very similar.

-Thanks very much, thank you.

-Give one to... Give one to Santabusi.

Oh, yes, one for Santa.

-I do like, yes.

-Can we open them?

-Yes, please open them.

Oh, wow.

This is excellent. This is not a Chris Akabusi book.

- That would make a very good Christmas present.

-That looks like...

-Why are you giving everyone our book?

You can't give everyone our book.

How lovely. - Oh, fantastic.

-No, you can't do that...

-Well, the problem is

that they're not actually selling very well at the moment.

-You can't plug the book. This is the BBC.

-I'm not plugging it.

I'm just saying, unfortunately, it's not selling very well...

-Stop saying that.

-..so if anyone wants to buy the book

we'd be very grateful if you would and...

-And Amazon is a good place to buy it from.

-I love it.

-On Amazon?

-Yeah.

-What would you know about Amazon?

Well, what you do is you...

You're going to explain to them at home how to...? How to use Amazon?

Yes. I mean, you plug in to Amazon.

You know how computers work, where you plug into them like that?

You write in... You write in the title of the book

-and then the book will come back to you...

-Through the computer.

..at a very reasonable price, and that's it. That's how it works.

You have never used Amazon in your life.

Well, I never used it personally, but...

I've just given you the rough idea of how it works.

You never do it. You never use Amazon.

I've got people to do it.

-Who are these people?

-Well, staff.

-We don't have staff.

-Your mother!

LAUGHTER

-Your mother does it.

-She is not staff!

Well, no, but she does all the buying and the selling on eBay...

Oh, no, I shouldn't have mentioned about that.

I tell you what, Jack, you get an idea of someone's life

just by the chapter headings of a book.

A Black Tie Affair, Nannies and Four Weeks in Provence.

It was a tough upbringing, wasn't it?

We need to get some champagne.

Get some staff in.

RINGS BELL Hilary!

Oh, here she comes.

-Hello, Mother.

-God bless her.

Good old Hilary.

Lovely. God bless you.

-Thank you very much, Hilary.

-Staff? I'm staff?

-Thank you so much.

-Ew!

Bless you.

There we are.

We meet again. - Oh, go on.

-One for Nige.

-Thank you, staff. Very kind, staff.

-Thank you very much.

-Watch it.

Hilary, you haven't given them the good stuff, have you?

-I'm... I'm watching you.

-Yeah.

Daddy, I thought maybe because it's getting quite

cold in the studio you could have this little...

-put on your knees, this little rug.

-Fuck off.

I beg your pardon for using that language in front of you.

Come on, just fuck off.

Try to be nice to him and that's what you get.

-So, Nigel...

-Yes.

..one of the moments you're most famous for on screen is that

bit in Chariots of Fire when you go over the hurdles

when they've all got the champagne glasses on.

Did you actually do that in the film?

I did, but they did... I have to be honest

and say that they did have to Sellotape the champagne glasses.

-Really?

-Yeah, because I used to knock a few off.

Is it a hard thing to do then, hurdle with the champagne glasses?

I thought hurdling was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

Really? So, no, because we have one...

We have the greatest hurdler in British athletics history.

-400 hurdles.

-No, the greatest ever hurdler.

Colin Jackson, if you're watching, you can go and fuck yourself.

Do you reckon you would be able to hurdle over a hurdle

if it had champagne glasses on?

Um...yeah, why not? Yeah sure, of course I could. Of course I could!

Back in the day. Back in the day.

If only we had a hurdle here now.

-Akabusi!

-No. Look!

-Oh, man...

-Santabusi!

Oh, my word!

Oh, my word! That's going to be too..

Oh, my... That's Colin Jackson. Yeah, that's far...

OK, maybe that's a bit high. We'll put it down a bit.

No, the Baroness is first...

..and then we just go down the line, ending up with Chris.

God. - Oh, my word.

-Good work, Jack.

-What is the right height?

OK. Let's get... Have we got some champagne? Yeah?

Aren't they nice, those little elves?

-They're very nice.

-Yes.

-Would you like...?

We have one each, Jack, and I have one each in our dressing room.

That is incredible.

Well, I mean, that's very unusual to have to hurdle...

-I'm getting a little bit worried.

-Come on, Santabusi. You can do this.

-I can't hurdle with...

-Can we have the music?

-Can we have the Chariots of Fire music?

-Oh!

Santabusi, let me take your shoes off for you.

-Let me get the other one off. I'll be helpful.

-Oh, my God.

I think he's going to jump over.

Come, on guys! Believe!

-CHARIOTS OF FIRE MUSIC

-Go on, Santabusi!

AUDIENCE CLAPS

Yes!

Boom! Boom! Get in!

Oh, wow, wow!

Boom, boom, boom!

Boom! Boom!

Ladies and gentlemen, that is all we have time for.

A massive thank you to my guests Lee Mack, Baroness Trumpington,

Christine Bleakley, Nigel Havers and Santabusi.

But, before we go, it's the moment we've all been waiting for.

As promised, Bad Education's Christmas choir

are going to sing my father...

What's your favourite carol?

-My favourite carol, did you say?

-Yeah, your favourite carol.

-Thatcher, Carol Thatcher.

-No, not Carol Thatcher.

-Oh, no, sorry.

Your favourite Christmas carol.

-Oh, right. Silent Night, isn't it?

-Silent Night.

-Wonderful.

-Take it away.

-Great.

Love Silent Night - the lyrics are so lovely.

Just listen.

Jack, listen to the lyrics, they're so beautiful.

CHOIR SINGS IN GERMAN

No!

Einsam wacht!

The Bad Education choir!

APPLAUSE

Hooray!

Merry Christmas, everybody!