Christmas Special Backchat with Jack Whitehall and His Dad


Christmas Special

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language

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Hello and welcome to a very special edition of Backchat.

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We've got a stocking-load of guests on the show tonight and,

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as always, we are joined by the lump of coal at the bottom,

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the man who makes Scrooge look positively jolly,

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the ghost of Christmas past, my father, Michael Whitehall.

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APPLAUSE

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Do you like...? Do you like the festive additions to the set?

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Do you like my big balls?

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I think those balls are absolutely ludicrous.

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They're nice!

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-They're far, far too big.

-So they show up on...

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They remind me of my balls after...

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After you were born. For six months after you were born.

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-I mean, your mother was just exhausted...

-Right, OK.

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Thank you. That's a lovely way to start the show,

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-talking about your... Oh!

-You know...

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I hope they weren't that glittery...

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or red. OK. Yes, tonight is Backschat...

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I can't even say Backchat now

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cos that's all I'm thinking of is my dad's scrot'. OK, right.

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Yes, tonight is Backchat's seasonal winter festival show,

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and so we've got all manner of goodies lined up to make this

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the perfect seasonal winter festival.

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What is this seasonal what?

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Seasonal winter festival special, that's what this evening is.

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-It's not. It's a Christmas special.

-No, it's not, because Christmas is..

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-It is...

-..and we are open to all religions..

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We are Christians. Father Christmas.

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It's Christmas. Bethlehem, Jesus, you know.

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We are just saying that

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we are inclusive to people of all faiths and all creeds.

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Those of you that are celebrating Hanukah, Diwali

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and the African holiday of Kwanzaa, you are all welcome.

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And my father is welcoming you as well.

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I think actually this would be a great opportunity for you to

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wish all the people at home that are celebrating the African

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holiday of Kwanzaa a Merry Kwanzaa.

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So this show's going out in Africa, is it?

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Look down your camera and say "Happy Kwanzaa" to the

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nice people at home from Africa.

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Happy Wangsar for everybody...

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Kwanzaa. And also they're in Africa,

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so you should probably do it in Nigerian.

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-No?

-I think I've done it.

-OK.

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Don't get your knickers in a twist though,

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because later on in the show I have organised something

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-quite traditional for you.

-Yeah.

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-You know my show Bad Education?

-Vaguely.

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-Well, all the kids from my class...

-Yeah.

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..are going to be singing tonight in a choir and I've got them

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-to sing a traditional Christmas carol for you, so...

-Very nice.

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..that is at least something you can be looking forward to.

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I love Christmas. It's all about the tree,

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the smell of mulled wine, my father being casually racist by the fire.

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It's all about the TV adverts at Christmas now.

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The John Lewis advert this year

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depicts a hare waking a big sleepy bear from hibernation

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just in time for Christmas.

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Ah, sweet. Although, as a keen amateur zoologist, I can't help

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but find that advert a little misleading.

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Were you to actually wake a brown bear midway

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through its hibernation, the script would probably be more like this.

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ADVERT'S MUSIC

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A hare frolics through a snowy glade and chances upon his friend,

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a big snoozing bear.

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He prods his pal with a gentle paw, waking him up from his slumber.

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This causes a massive trauma to the animal's metabolic recovery cycle

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and sends the bear

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into uncontrollable fits of shit-flinging rage,

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brutally ripping the hare limb from limb before

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popping its internal organs out like an Edamame bean, and then slinging

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the hairy shell onto the ground like a used condom, without a flicker of

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festive goodwill or Christmas cheer as it lacks the neural mechanisms

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to experience human emotions because it's a fucking bear.

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Merry Christmas.

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APPLAUSE

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You love Christmas though, don't you, Daddy, really?

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I love Christmas a lot more than I love this ludicrous thing

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-that you've made me wear.

-It looks nice. It was either...

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-It was either that or a onesie.

-It's...

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Well, anyway, I won't say any more about this ludicrous outfit.

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I still don't think you're looking festive enough.

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I know what might work.

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APPLAUSE

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That's better.

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You look nice.

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I just realised with those lights kind of flashing round you,

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you look a little bit like one of those women you see through

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the windows in Amsterdam.

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I wouldn't know, of course.

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-You would presumably.

-Only from the outside.

-Hmm.

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Time now to bring out some guests,

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the first of whom is a pretty incredible lady.

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Baroness Trumpington of Sandwich.

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-She's a friend of mine. You know the Baroness, of course.

-I do, yes.

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Basically, BBC Three felt the show might be feeling a little bit posh

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and a little bit old, so we decided that we would do the best thing

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and book a 92-year-old member of the House of Lords.

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She's 92. That is amazing, right?

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APPLAUSE

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The Baroness will be joined by the star of Not Going Out

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and Would I Lie To You? One of my favourite comedians, Lee Mack.

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So, ladies and gentlemen, would you please give a warm welcome to

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a couple separated at birth? It's Baroness Trumpington and Lee Mack.

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Shush!

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I'm not 92. I'm 91.

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Sorry!

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I'm sorry, Baroness.

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-There you go. What if me and Jack fall?

-Well...

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We all go together.

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-So nice to see you.

-Can I call you Baby Doll?

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You may. Please do.

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I'll be honest with you,

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as soon as we're all sat down I'll be a lot more relaxed.

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Right. You've got my hand.

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Right. Let the party begin.

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-Let's kick our shoes off. Let's open the gin.

-Yeah!

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Thank you very, very much for coming on the show.

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Before I start, I need to ask a little bit of protocol.

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-How should I address you?

-Lee Mack would be...

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Oh, sorry.

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-The Baroness.

-Me?

-Yes, Baroness.

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Well, you can either do Baroness Trumpington,

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Lady Trumpington or just call me Trumps.

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Trumps? Amazing. OK.

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That was not the answer I was expecting,

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-but I shall call you Trumps.

-Yeah, feel free.

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But, Trumps, you don't... This seems...

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-It already seems a bit weird.

-What did he say?

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-He thinks... It seems a bit weird calling you...

-Trumps.

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-Calling you Trumps.

-I know.

-What about Barry?

-No, I...

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Well, Barry is an abbreviation of Baroness. Does that work?

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-Perfectly awful.

-Oh, right then.

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No, no, no, stick to Trumps and you won't go wrong.

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Lee, if you were ennobled what would you be?

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-If I had had no balls?

-No.

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I'd be the Baron...

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Baron Wasteland.

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I've discovered he could be Baron Red Rum because he rode Red Rum.

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He did, yeah. And you're quite in...

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We had a good chat about horse racing

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till you asked us to come out here.

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We were getting on great, weren't we? Having a chat about horse...

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-Because you're quite into your horse racing, aren't you?

-I loved it.

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I really loved racing, and I went to see Frankel the other day

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-and he's a hell of a horse.

-ONE PERSON CLAPS

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He's been put out to stud now.

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Somebody else there is keen on racing.

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It was a horse. We have Frankel. Frankel!

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Now I want to ask you about your Christmas,

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as this is a Christmas show.

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Lee, what is the Lee Mack Christmas like?

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Well, I'm ashamed to admit that I don't do much

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cooking in my house, so it's the once a year that I do do it.

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And for the last few years

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I have religiously stuck by Nigella Lawson's cookery book.

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I have genuinely, and I always thought...

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She asks you to get the turkey and put it in a bucket of water

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and leave it in your cellar, or outside, for five days,

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and I've always thought that's a very odd thing to do, just leave a

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turkey soaking in a bucket of water, but if she says 'do it' do it.

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Turns out she was just off her tits.

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Baroness Trumpington, at Christmas, do you cook?

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Yes.

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-Is your Christmas a traditional one?

-I seem to spend days stuffing.

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Watch it.

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The worst Christmas I've ever spent was

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when I was Mayor of Cambridge and every day for three weeks

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Christmas meant lunch was turkey, chestnuts,

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potatoes and Brussels sprouts followed by Christmas pudding.

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Tea time was Christmas turkey, Brussels sprouts.

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Supper was Christmas turkey, Brussels sprouts, for three weeks.

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I'll tell you what, I can where you got the nickname Trumps.

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At the end...

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APPLAUSE

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Lee, what is your Christmas wish list this year?

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What are you hoping to get in your stocking?

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What am I hoping to get? I'd just...

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Good will for all men and...

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-a dildo.

-Oh, my god.

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Baroness, what's on your Christmas wish list in terms of presents?

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Anything with diamonds will do.

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Because I thought maybe like you could get one of the E-Lite

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cigarettes because you were a smoker and you've had to stop smoking.

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I know. It's been a very difficult life, you know.

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After all, one started smoking at the age of 11.

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Cigarettes for the uncle,

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my brothers and I used to say when we went to the village shop.

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But we always got the cigarettes. We then smoked them in the pig sties,

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until my brothers were sick and that gave the game away to my mother.

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So, it meant a rather bleak time

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when we had to give up cigarettes at the age of 12.

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Trumps...

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Last year, you caused a bit of a stir when you...

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and you came to notoriety amongst many people for something you

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did in the House of Lords to your chum Lord King.

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Could you talk us through what happened?

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Well, there he was and he was being rather rude

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actually about older women, and I happened to be standing

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quite near...

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And it seemed the obvious thing to do, don't you agree?

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And so you what?

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So I gave him the V sign.

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Fantastic.

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Fair do's.

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Maybe I should do that to you more often.

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I just take it.

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Trumps, as well, this is incredible about you.

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Your life and career is just fantastic.

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You were basically a spy.

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No.

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-But you were a code breaker at Bletchley Park.

-Yes.

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What were Christmases like at Bletchley Park?

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Memories of Christmas during the war are very vague to me

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because it didn't make much difference. You were working.

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You know, you didn't really have much fun at that place

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because you worked and you hitchhiked to London...

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And then you danced all night

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and you never got really enough sleep, and here I am.

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Here you are.

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Well, Baroness Trumpington is being very, very modest.

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We owe her a great deal of gratitude for what she did.

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A very, very brave woman.

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Yeah.

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Also, can I just say? You won't know this.

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Lee Mack used to be a redcoat at Butlins, so he too...

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-You know...

-Could I just say...?

-Thank you.

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You made a schoolboy error there,

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-I appreciate...

-Bluecoat.

-I appreciate you are a school boy,

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but I was not a redcoat at Butlins.

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I was a bluecoat at Pontins. So of the...

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Of the three words you needed, you only got the word coat correct.

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The redcoats are Catholics, bluecoats are protestant.

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Completely... Completely different thing.

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-So, yeah. No, I was...

-BELLS JINGLE

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What is that? Is that...?

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Could it be?

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Maybe? Is it him?

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Boom! Boom! boom!

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-Oh, my God! It's Santabusi!

-Merry Christmas!

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Boom, boom, boom, boom!

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-Boom!

-Pull your beard down.

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Hey, what's up? Boom, boom, boom, boom. What's up, Jack?

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All right.

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Trumpington! Can I just...? Can I...?

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- Not the lips. Not the lips.

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Watch out Baroness, he's a bit of a Harry Styles Akabusi.

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-Hello, Michael.

-Hi, Santa.

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My buddy for a long time, for a long range.

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Santabusi, thank you so much for coming.

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How are the preparations for Christmas going?

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Going fantastic, Jack.

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You want to see the presents I've got going all over the globe.

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Ho, ho, ho! Boom, boom, boom! Akabusi coming down the chimney.

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Are the reindeer all fed and exercised?

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Oh, yeah. Rudolph, polished his nose, gave him a little tickle

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under the belly. I say to him "Fella, you've got to be quick

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"because you know Jack's waiting for you, son, you know what I'm saying?"

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-Yeah.

-Michael.

-Yeah.

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Has he been a good boy or a good girl?

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I'm finding it very difficult to believe you,

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genuinely believe you as Santa Claus, who you know was German.

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I mean, Santa Claus is a German. St Nicholas, he's...

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It's a German tradition.

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HE SPEAKS GERMAN

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-Ah right.

-Akabusi speaks German?!

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I'm German, but I want to speak English.

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Boom, boom, boom, all right!

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So now we know.

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-Here is our Christmas wish list.

-Okey-dokey.

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Please, I hope we can have the presents that we want this year.

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Okey-dokey.

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We'll maybe see you later Akabusi.

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-See you later!

-Santabusi!

-Boom, boom, boom!

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- Boom, boom, boom.

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He's like the thinking man's Basil Brush, isn't he?

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I have to be honest, Jack, and say I'm not a huge fan of Santa Claus

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-and all that stuff.

-Why? What's wrong with...?

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-Because he's very German.

-Why?

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I mean, the Baroness fought the war, fought to keep us...

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the Germans away, right?

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Stop. It's Christmas.

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SHE SPEAKS GERMAN

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You see, she agrees.

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And, I mean, the worst thing for me are carols,

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-our beautiful English carols.

-Oh, God, not this again.

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And sometimes they even do those in foreign languages, which is...

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-What do you mean, foreign languages?

-Well, German or...

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I'm sorry, I'm just being honest.

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It's sort of like Father...

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Fritzmas almost, the whole thing.

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OK. Let's move on with the show.

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We're now going to show you a VT that we did of me

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and my father going to a cuddling workshop.

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This was a genuine thing that we went and did.

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Now every week we do one of these bonding things.

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I thought it would be nice, cos it's the Christmas episode,

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for you to introduce it rather than me always having to do it,

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so I wrote you down a little intro there on your table.

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All you have to do is read that out.

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Christmas is the season of good will to all men - sounds a bit gay.

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Christmas is the season of good will to all men

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because all men are beautiful.

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What is this you've written? It's rubbish.

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I love beautiful men, especially muscley ones.

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What is this all about?

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The reason we've come here today is to partake in a cuddle workshop.

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I think, when we grew up, my father didn't give me enough hugs.

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In my day it was always a firm handshake.

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I hope it's not some sort of gay fest he's getting me into here.

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The one thing that I hope I can get out of today is just one real

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hug from my father.

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"Discover and let go of your hidden agendas around physical contact."

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-I mean, what the

-BLEEP

-does that mean?

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-You need to change into your clothes.

-What clothes?

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Well, I told you, you have to wear casual stuff.

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-This is. This is my lightweight suit.

-That's casu..

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You don't think I normally come into London dressed like this?

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He's not going to like meeting other people.

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He's not going to like physical contact with strangers.

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He's not going to like having to talk to strangers.

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He's not going to like being in a community centre.

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-What's the next stage?

-At least take your shoes off.

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I'm not taking my shoes off - this is not a mosque.

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No. No.

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Right, OK, so why are we all here?

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(Why indeed.)

0:17:210:17:22

He's probably going to not like the woman that runs this workshop,

0:17:220:17:25

because he doesn't really like women. And he certainly

0:17:250:17:28

doesn't like women that try and get him to cuddle strangers.

0:17:280:17:32

We are here because in some format we believe that physical touch

0:17:320:17:35

is very, very important for bonding, so between children and adults

0:17:350:17:39

and parents, our mission is about creating more cuddly Britain.

0:17:390:17:43

OK. We're going to do a back massage.

0:17:430:17:46

So, putting your thumbs into the tops of the shoulders...

0:17:460:17:50

OK.

0:17:500:17:51

Giving as you would like to receive.

0:17:530:17:55

I think the fact that my father didn't hug me enough

0:17:580:18:00

as a child has affected me in a very deep and sort of scarring way.

0:18:000:18:05

I now have problems in my own life with intimacy

0:18:050:18:08

and I sort of blame him for that.

0:18:080:18:10

My father's not very good with strangers.

0:18:120:18:15

He's not very good with physical contact with strangers.

0:18:150:18:19

So I think it's going to be quite hard for him,

0:18:230:18:25

but I think it's very important that he just lets himself go

0:18:250:18:28

and just breaks through those barriers.

0:18:280:18:31

I hope after this my father sort of lets go a little bit more

0:18:330:18:37

and becomes a more open person, a more tolerant person,

0:18:370:18:42

a more loving person and a more hugging person.

0:18:420:18:45

Would you like to share a hug?

0:18:450:18:48

Definitely not.

0:18:480:18:50

-No.

-OK.

0:18:500:18:52

I think it went really well.

0:18:530:18:55

I really enjoyed it.

0:18:550:18:57

Shall we have a hug?

0:18:570:18:58

And I think, by the end of the session,

0:19:010:19:03

my dad was beginning to enjoy it as well.

0:19:030:19:05

-Thank you very much indeed.

-Thank you.

0:19:070:19:10

Suddenly, all the problems that we had evaporated

0:19:130:19:16

and I really felt like we bonded.

0:19:160:19:19

It was the most awful experience I've ever had in my life.

0:19:190:19:23

By the end he was hugging people and, you know,

0:19:230:19:26

he really looked like he was enjoying it.

0:19:260:19:28

It was a total waste of an afternoon as far as I was concerned.

0:19:280:19:32

Total waste of time.

0:19:320:19:34

APPLAUSE

0:19:340:19:37

I feel I want... I want a hug now.

0:19:420:19:44

Yeah. Did that make you feel like you want a cuddle?

0:19:440:19:46

I feel like I could be hugged by your father, but the problem is

0:19:460:19:49

if I do get hugged by him, the carrot that's sticking out of his...

0:19:490:19:52

-might...

-Exactly.

-You know when you have a slow dance with a girl

0:19:520:19:55

and something comes between you?

0:19:550:19:58

Do you feel like you'd like a cuddle, any of you?

0:19:580:20:00

Would you like a cuddle? Should we cuddle or are you not interested?

0:20:000:20:04

It depends on the place and who with.

0:20:040:20:06

-Well, I sort of meant me, like now maybe.

-Well, why not?

0:20:060:20:10

Come on, let's do it.

0:20:100:20:12

-Ahhh!

-Ohh!

0:20:120:20:15

Time now to meet our next guests.

0:20:180:20:20

He is the star of film and television

0:20:200:20:22

and one of the most handsome men I've ever met.

0:20:220:20:24

All of this series, my father has been desperate to book this man.

0:20:240:20:28

Now it's the Christmas show, I gave in, he's coming on.

0:20:280:20:31

He also happens to be my godfather and my dad's best friend.

0:20:310:20:35

Not a year goes by when he doesn't turn up at Christmas

0:20:350:20:38

with a beautiful woman on his arm. And tonight is no exception.

0:20:380:20:41

Please would you welcome Nigel Havers and Christine Bleakley?

0:20:410:20:44

You probably knew...

0:20:520:20:54

-I knew, yes.

-Hello. How are you?

0:20:540:20:56

-Hello.

-Hello.

0:21:010:21:03

-Lovely to see you.

-Lovely to see you. Nice to see you.

0:21:050:21:08

-Oh, lovely to see you.

-Oh, lovely to see you.

0:21:080:21:11

-And the Baroness.

-The Baroness.

0:21:150:21:17

I have to say that all my friends are going to die of jealousy.

0:21:170:21:21

That's my... That's my fan base.

0:21:220:21:24

- Can I just say, Nigel... Yeah.

0:21:240:21:26

All of my friends couldn't give less of a shit.

0:21:260:21:29

Thank you very much. - Sorry. I'm only being honest.

0:21:310:21:33

Thank you so much for having me on the show. Be nice...

0:21:330:21:36

And you are my godfather. For the people that don't believe that...

0:21:360:21:39

That is not something that's been made up on Wikipedia.

0:21:390:21:41

-You are my genuine...

-God, look, that's us at Christmas when I...

0:21:410:21:44

Oh, my goodness.

0:21:440:21:47

-Look at those teeth.

-Shut up!

0:21:470:21:50

How did you fit them in your mouth? Well, you didn't obviously.

0:21:510:21:55

Those teeth cost me a fortune.

0:21:550:21:57

I mean, they cost me even more than sending him to a private school.

0:21:570:22:01

-Really?

-To get those teeth to look like Nigel's.

0:22:010:22:06

Why is it, Jack, now as a fully grown man,

0:22:060:22:08

you're dressed like a child,

0:22:080:22:09

and there you're dressed as a middle aged man?

0:22:090:22:12

You've completely got that the wrong way round.

0:22:130:22:15

Because of that!

0:22:150:22:17

Because that is my father and he made me

0:22:180:22:20

dress like a bank manager until I had the chance to leave home,

0:22:200:22:24

and then I was allowed to dress like I wanted to.

0:22:240:22:26

I always insisted that he wore a tie when Nigel came to visit.

0:22:260:22:31

-Now, Nige, you're...

-Yeah?

0:22:310:22:33

-..you're doing panto this year?

-I am doing... Yeah.

0:22:330:22:35

-Why should we come and see your panto?

-Good question.

0:22:350:22:39

It's called Robin Hood and I am the Sheriff of Nottingham.

0:22:390:22:42

-Oh, fantastic.

-Hence a little bit of this and...

0:22:420:22:45

Also, it has a trailer.

0:22:450:22:47

You know the way panto's have trailers, right?

0:22:470:22:49

-This is the trailer.

-I've not seen it, so I can't wait.

0:22:490:22:52

The world premiere of the trailer.

0:22:520:22:54

This is so intense it's amazing.

0:22:540:22:56

VOICEOVER: This Christmas at the Theatre Royal, Plymouth,

0:22:560:22:59

only one man can save panto dame Jeffrey Holland

0:22:590:23:02

and comedy king Bobby Davro from the evil Sheriff Nigel Havers.

0:23:020:23:07

Lee Mead is Robin Hood.

0:23:070:23:09

Robin Hood, the pantomime adventure at the Theatre Royal Plymouth,

0:23:090:23:12

from December 20th.

0:23:120:23:14

APPLAUSE

0:23:140:23:16

-Oh!

-That is good.

0:23:160:23:18

It looks amazing!

0:23:180:23:20

I like...

0:23:210:23:23

-Unbelievable.

-I particularly like the voiceover.

0:23:230:23:25

-The voiceover.

-Mel Gibson and Nigel Havers in pantomime.

0:23:250:23:29

-With Bobby Davro.

-Yeah.

0:23:290:23:32

I like that it has that really intense style and then

0:23:320:23:34

when you actually get into the action of it,

0:23:340:23:36

-it does look a little bit like it might develop into a porno.

-Yeah.

0:23:360:23:40

It does have that porno look.

0:23:400:23:42

Would you ever be up for doing panto, Christine?

0:23:420:23:45

I thought you were going to say porno.

0:23:450:23:48

Yeah, no, let's discuss.

0:23:500:23:52

Oh, my God!

0:23:540:23:56

Nigel, that was singularly the sleaziest thing I have ever seen...

0:23:560:24:00

-I'm sorry.

-..and I've never been more proud

0:24:000:24:02

-to have you as my godfather.

-I don't know what came over me.

0:24:020:24:05

"Let's talk about this, Christine."

0:24:050:24:07

Thank fuck you're not sitting next to the Baroness.

0:24:070:24:09

Would you ever do a pantomime?

0:24:110:24:12

Oh, I'd be useless. I love panto though.

0:24:120:24:14

I've got to say, I love going to watch...

0:24:140:24:16

Why would you be useless? You'd be brilliant.

0:24:160:24:18

Oh, no, my memory is useless. It's a really, really tough job.

0:24:180:24:20

You don't need a memory for panto. You just need to turn up.

0:24:200:24:23

No. You make it look easy.

0:24:230:24:25

It's a very, very tough job as an actor, isn't it?

0:24:250:24:27

It's a very tough job, yeah.

0:24:270:24:29

Baroness, would you ever be in a pantomime?

0:24:300:24:32

I was just wondering why you have so much hair on your faces.

0:24:320:24:36

Have you forgotten to shave?

0:24:360:24:38

-It's the new style.

-We're just rocking the Pax..

0:24:400:24:42

I am playing the Sheriff of Nottingham,

0:24:420:24:44

-so I thought I'd look a bit...

-Disgusting.

0:24:440:24:47

Yeah.

0:24:500:24:52

I'll tell you, Jack, what I'm a bit worried about is

0:24:540:24:57

-I know it's BBC Three and I know it's low budget...

-Yeah.

0:24:570:25:01

..but couldn't we have afforded a bigger sofa?

0:25:010:25:05

That's what I would have...

0:25:050:25:06

Did you think? Yes, I thought you felt the same way. Yes.

0:25:060:25:09

Well, if Santabusi comes back out as well, where's he going to sit?

0:25:090:25:12

I mean, if he's going to sit on that sofa we're in big trouble.

0:25:120:25:15

Although, normally, the Santa, you sit down

0:25:150:25:17

and then someone sits on your lap,

0:25:170:25:18

so maybe he could use your chair and you could sit on his lap.

0:25:180:25:21

-No, thank you.

-I shouldn't try that.

-Just throwing it out there.

0:25:210:25:24

Now you're not the only person that's doing something

0:25:240:25:26

exciting this Christmas.

0:25:260:25:27

Lee, you have got the Not Going Out Christmas Special.

0:25:270:25:30

Yes, we have, and we filmed it last night and my son was in it.

0:25:300:25:35

Why would you do that?

0:25:350:25:36

Never work with any of your family.

0:25:360:25:38

He's... He's nine. He's two years younger than Jack.

0:25:390:25:43

Yeah, Not Going Out Christmas Special,

0:25:430:25:45

and he's got a little part in it, and he's not...

0:25:450:25:47

Because I was worried because, you know...

0:25:470:25:50

working with your own child. Because I often...

0:25:500:25:52

I'm obviously a big fan of this show

0:25:520:25:54

-and I see the disappointment in your eyes, Michael.

-Mm, yeah.

0:25:540:25:57

You don't say it, but it's etched on your face.

0:25:570:26:00

This is never what I wanted of him.

0:26:000:26:02

Christine, what does your Christmas entail?

0:26:040:26:07

What will you be doing this Christmas?

0:26:070:26:09

Probably, like everyone else, eating too much, drinking too much.

0:26:090:26:12

Big, big family do.

0:26:120:26:13

I think I'll have all of my lot over in London and...

0:26:130:26:16

So, it's not true. Frank does not eat all the pies.

0:26:160:26:19

So he's... But he's playing this Christmas.

0:26:200:26:23

Yeah, they play Boxing Day, so they're all in a hotel

0:26:230:26:25

on Christmas night, so they all have to behave themselves, yeah.

0:26:250:26:28

We carry on partying and eating, but he has to go bye,

0:26:280:26:31

-door closes and off he goes.

-Oh, no.

-Depressing.

0:26:310:26:33

Yeah, it is a little bit for all of them,

0:26:330:26:35

-but, you know, they get on with it.

-Just think of the money.

0:26:350:26:38

Yeah, don't worry about it. They're fine. They're fine, yeah.

0:26:380:26:40

Does he have like a sip of wine on Christmas Day?

0:26:400:26:42

No, no, he's very...

0:26:420:26:43

He doesn't drink at all at least two days before a game.

0:26:430:26:46

Third day before it's totally fine, but no... No, I'm joking.

0:26:460:26:49

-No, he's very good actually.

-It's like me, I don't drink, you know,

0:26:490:26:52

at least two hours before I go on stage.

0:26:520:26:55

-Yeah, but you drink heavily on stage.

-Well, of course.

0:26:550:26:58

Of course. And you've been engaged to Frank for three years?

0:26:580:27:02

-Two, two years.

-Two years. Two years, sorry.

-Yeah, yeah.

0:27:020:27:05

Look how upset Nigel is.

0:27:050:27:06

I am mortified. God, you're a good looking girl.

0:27:060:27:10

-Nigel! Stop it!

-Sorry, sorry.

0:27:100:27:13

-It's the drink.

-Oh, amazing and so...

0:27:130:27:15

-Oh, yes, lovely.

-..sound of wedding bells?

0:27:150:27:17

Yes, yeah, yeah, it's all... It's all ticking along.

0:27:170:27:20

Had to wait to see if England would qualify for the World Cup,

0:27:200:27:24

which of course they have.

0:27:240:27:25

You should have got engaged to a Scottish footballer -

0:27:250:27:27

it would have been way safer.

0:27:270:27:29

The guest list for the wedding, has that been all drawn up?

0:27:290:27:31

-No, it hasn't actually.

-Oh, it hasn't. Very interesting.

0:27:310:27:34

How many people are you going to be inviting? A big one? Small?

0:27:340:27:36

I'm thinking small.

0:27:360:27:38

People you work with a lot and you meet...

0:27:380:27:40

-Do you want to go, Jack?

-I'm not...

0:27:400:27:43

Did I sound like I was trying to get an invite?

0:27:430:27:45

I'd love to have you there, Jack.

0:27:450:27:46

Please invite me. I really want to meet Frank.

0:27:460:27:48

-I'd love to have you there. Yep, no problem.

-OK.

0:27:480:27:50

Frank loves you. He did say to say "hi".

0:27:500:27:52

I know. I met Frank once. I thought he was absolutely amazing.

0:27:520:27:55

He's such a... You meet him and he's just so smart and so charming,

0:27:550:27:58

and you're like "You're a footballer, how?"

0:27:580:28:02

As a role model for Molly, my daughter, you would just be

0:28:020:28:06

so brilliant because I say with Molly, "One night stands,

0:28:060:28:12

"no way, none of that sort of stuff. Just have a long relationship,

0:28:120:28:17

"long engagement period. You get to know one another as

0:28:170:28:21

"as people, as friends and everything..."

0:28:210:28:23

-You need to be sure...

-"and eventually it leads to marriage."

0:28:230:28:26

You would be absolutely perfect for Molly in terms of a role model.

0:28:260:28:32

I take that as a huge compliment.

0:28:320:28:33

Apart from the fact that your husband's a footballer.

0:28:330:28:36

-Well, yeah. Sorry about that.

-I'm not sure.

0:28:360:28:39

He has a GCSE in Latin.

0:28:390:28:41

Really? Oh, right.

0:28:410:28:44

Baroness, would you ever date a sportsman?

0:28:440:28:46

I think you'd make a wonderful WAG.

0:28:460:28:48

That's the first time anybody's made that proposal to me.

0:28:490:28:53

-Did you ever date any sportsmen?

-Did I what?

0:28:530:28:55

Did you ever... Jack wants to know what you're doing a week on Friday.

0:28:550:28:59

Baroness, I'd love to take you to the football some time.

0:29:000:29:03

- You would? I'd love to...

0:29:030:29:04

Would you like to come to a football match one day?

0:29:040:29:06

- Why not? Why not?

0:29:060:29:08

She wouldn't come to a Chelsea game though,

0:29:080:29:09

because she's Millwall till she dies. Seriously.

0:29:090:29:12

I'd like to take you racing because I was brought up...

0:29:120:29:14

I had no idea they all took their teeth out

0:29:140:29:16

before they played football.

0:29:160:29:18

That is a lovely image.

0:29:220:29:23

- Baroness, I'd like to take you racing

0:29:230:29:25

because I was brought up in Newmarket.

0:29:250:29:27

-Ahh. I've got Frankel written there...

-Nigel, easy.

0:29:270:29:29

-..because I kept forgetting his name.

-Sit, sit.

0:29:290:29:31

-And I went to see Frankel last time he ran.

-So did I.

0:29:310:29:33

-Yes, fabulous. But you went to see him recently?

-Yes, I did.

0:29:330:29:36

And he was doing his business in stud...

0:29:360:29:38

Yes, he was, with an Australian girl.

0:29:380:29:40

Really? Fantastic. Is he doing all right?

0:29:400:29:42

-Well, his first 10 foals have been sold this week, I think.

-Ah...

0:29:420:29:46

- This is literally the poshest conversation I've ever heard.

0:29:460:29:50

Could I just butt in and go back to an earlier point you made?

0:29:500:29:54

Who are these footballers who take their teeth out

0:29:540:29:56

before they play football?

0:29:560:29:57

-I hate to tell you, but it's Cambridge United.

-Oh, right.

0:29:570:30:01

They did, it's true though, they used to take them out.

0:30:010:30:04

-Not so much nowadays because...

-No, they take them out now.

0:30:040:30:06

Well, they tend to... You know,

0:30:060:30:08

they're not as tough as they used to be,

0:30:080:30:10

the old footballers, so they.. Now they don't even...

0:30:100:30:12

Even their hair doesn't get moved.

0:30:120:30:14

Never in my life have I ever heard such language as...

0:30:140:30:17

I mean, it was really quite extraordinary.

0:30:170:30:19

Everything began with F.

0:30:190:30:20

Oh, it's not like that now. It all begins with C nowadays.

0:30:200:30:24

Blimey.

0:30:260:30:27

Now, Nige, you have basically been at every event in my life.

0:30:270:30:32

You're there at Christmases, at birthdays...

0:30:320:30:35

You were even at...

0:30:350:30:38

my birth.

0:30:380:30:40

Well, funny you said that,

0:30:400:30:41

because I'm actually wearing the dinner jacket

0:30:410:30:44

I wore on the day you were born because I went into the hospital...

0:30:440:30:47

Yeah. Why...? Cos my dad tells me this story

0:30:470:30:50

-that you were there at my birth.

-Yeah.

-Why were you there?

0:30:500:30:52

Well, I knew you were going to be born and Michael said, you know

0:30:520:30:56

"Just drop in and say hi."

0:30:560:30:58

So I was on my way somewhere and I walked into the hospital.

0:30:580:31:01

Michael said, "Hello", and he said, "Why don't you come in?"

0:31:010:31:04

-And we walked straight into the delivery room...

-That's right.

0:31:040:31:06

..and your mum, you know, was like this...

0:31:060:31:08

Yeah, I know how people give birth, thank you.

0:31:080:31:10

..and at that moment you appeared.

0:31:100:31:12

You were always very close to my mum and dad.

0:31:120:31:14

-Yeah, very, yeah.

-OK.

0:31:140:31:15

And you were there at my birth,

0:31:150:31:18

and I've always felt like we don't look that similar.

0:31:180:31:22

And then when I see you, I always think...

0:31:220:31:24

..you know.

0:31:260:31:27

Are you sure you're not my dad?

0:31:280:31:30

We've got the DNA test results here.

0:31:320:31:35

Can I put an end to this? Because you go on and on and on in this story...

0:31:350:31:39

Come on. You can see where it comes from. I only bring it up because...

0:31:390:31:42

Let me tell you about the night of your conception,

0:31:420:31:45

then we won't have any more of this "are you my daddy?"

0:31:450:31:48

-Let me tell you what happened.

-No, no we don't want that. Let's move on.

0:31:480:31:51

It was the night of the great storm, you remember that night?

0:31:510:31:54

No-one wants to hear this. None of you want to hear it?

0:31:540:31:56

-I want to hear it.

-Shut up, Lee.

-The storm, yes.

0:31:560:31:58

That's right. And Michael Fish said there wasn't going to be

0:31:580:32:01

-a storm, there was this huge storm...

-Yeah.

0:32:010:32:03

And we had some people for dinner. We had six people for dinner.

0:32:030:32:06

-Was one of them Nigel? Just...

-No. No, no.

-I was just wondering...

0:32:060:32:09

-Don't encourage him.

-Sorry, carry on.

0:32:090:32:11

We had six people for dinner and then they left at about midnight,

0:32:110:32:15

and that's when the storm started, and there was sort of rumbling and...

0:32:150:32:19

It got very, very hot that night, and it started raining

0:32:190:32:23

and Hilary, that's my wife Hilary and his mother,

0:32:230:32:27

we went for a walk round the block

0:32:270:32:29

and then we got to the front door having had our walk, and there...

0:32:290:32:33

You remember that big tree in front of the front door?

0:32:330:32:36

-I wasn't born. I mean...

-No. but there was a big tree and your mother

0:32:360:32:38

leant against the tree, and her dress was beginning to slightly ride up...

0:32:380:32:43

-Oh, my God!

-..because of the heat.

0:32:430:32:45

And, of course, she's got rain on her as well and she looked very,

0:32:450:32:49

you know, exciting. And I thought, just for a moment, I thought

0:32:490:32:52

-"Could this be a knee trembler...?"

-Oh, my god!

0:32:520:32:55

-OK, I believe you. I believe you.

-I put that out of my mind...

0:32:550:32:58

Nigel's not my dad. Nigel's not my dad, I believe you.

0:32:580:33:00

Please carry on, this is saving me £2.50 a minute.

0:33:000:33:03

-She walked up the stairs...

-I believe you.

0:33:030:33:05

We got to the top of the stairs, which was our bedroom,

0:33:050:33:08

-and she lay on the bed...

-OK, shall we bring out Santabusi?

0:33:080:33:11

-And she started to... Well she didn't undress exactly...

-Chris, help!

0:33:110:33:15

And I got so excited. I mean, so excited that I jumped the gun.

0:33:150:33:21

Oh, my God! Bring him out!

0:33:210:33:25

Santabusi! Oh, Jack! Oh, fella! I'm feeling for you, fella.

0:33:250:33:31

Oh, Jack! Don't worry, fella, Santa's in the room.

0:33:310:33:34

I've never been happier to see you in my life.

0:33:340:33:37

Ho-ho-ho-ho! I've got some presents for you.

0:33:370:33:39

-Oh, good.

-Have you been a good boy? Have you been a good girl?

0:33:390:33:43

- I think so. Oh, righty, all right.

0:33:430:33:45

You've got competition, Nige.

0:33:450:33:47

I've got some stuff. Oh, this is a big one for the Baroness.

0:33:470:33:51

- Ohh!

0:33:510:33:52

Oh, sweetheart, for you.

0:33:520:33:54

- Oh, how exciting. Specially done for luck.

0:33:540:33:58

Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh. Boom!

0:33:580:34:01

Oh, thank you so much.

0:34:010:34:03

I'm not sure, are we opening them now or are we waiting?

0:34:030:34:05

No, we're opening them all now.

0:34:050:34:07

Oh, it's got Christine all over this, sweetie. Boom!

0:34:070:34:11

It's now also got spit all over it.

0:34:110:34:12

Santabusi.

0:34:140:34:15

Well, this can be the one and only, ding, ding, ding, check it out.

0:34:150:34:19

-Marvellous.

-Boom, boom, boom, thank you very much.

0:34:190:34:22

-Thank you!

-Thank you.

0:34:220:34:24

Thank you! Thank you!

0:34:240:34:27

Jack...

0:34:270:34:29

Santabusi, come sit with me.

0:34:290:34:30

You know what...?

0:34:300:34:33

-You come sit on one of my balls.

-My heaven, it's got a nose.

0:34:330:34:35

It's so exciting, these presents. Look at this.

0:34:350:34:37

OK.

0:34:370:34:39

-What is that exactly?

-A truss.

0:34:390:34:41

-Oh, wait. No, that's a mix up.

-Oh, is it?

0:34:410:34:43

No, because the snorkel...

0:34:430:34:44

The scuba diving material wasn't for Baroness Trumpington.

0:34:440:34:47

Oh, sorry, you've got the wrong present.

0:34:470:34:49

That was for Christine, because I thought maybe

0:34:490:34:51

if you were going on honeymoon.

0:34:510:34:52

-This wasn't my present?

-No, there's a mix up.

0:34:520:34:55

Baroness, I think... I think this was meant to be for you.

0:34:550:34:57

-Yours is the hot water bottle and...

-That's for your feet.

0:34:570:35:00

Lee, what have you got?

0:35:000:35:01

I've got just what I always wanted, I've got the

0:35:010:35:04

Success Comes in Cans: Learning lessons for life with Chris Akabusi.

0:35:040:35:09

It's my favourite book ever.

0:35:110:35:13

-I want my bottle back.

-Oh, sorry.

0:35:150:35:17

Seriously, that book is amazing.

0:35:170:35:19

When I was on tour and I got lonely, I used to read that every night

0:35:190:35:22

and it reminded me that even if no-one else

0:35:220:35:24

in the world loved me, Chris did.

0:35:240:35:26

Here's a good bit of advice.

0:35:260:35:28

-You miss 100% of the shots you don't take...

-That's true.

0:35:280:35:31

..which reminds me of the story you just told us about the...

0:35:310:35:33

No! Lee! Leave it.

0:35:330:35:36

Right, I'm going to do my presents now.

0:35:380:35:40

What have you bought?

0:35:400:35:42

Oh, wow. - Goodness.

0:35:420:35:44

Oh, look at those. Here we go.

0:35:440:35:47

-One for you.

-Thank you.

0:35:470:35:50

-One for you.

-Thank you very much.

0:35:500:35:53

-One for you.

-They all feel very similar.

0:35:530:35:55

-Thanks very much, thank you.

-Give one to... Give one to Santabusi.

0:35:550:35:58

Oh, yes, one for Santa.

0:35:580:36:00

-I do like, yes.

-Can we open them?

-Yes, please open them.

0:36:020:36:05

Oh, wow.

0:36:050:36:06

This is excellent. This is not a Chris Akabusi book.

0:36:060:36:09

- That would make a very good Christmas present.

0:36:090:36:11

-That looks like...

-Why are you giving everyone our book?

0:36:110:36:14

You can't give everyone our book.

0:36:140:36:15

How lovely. - Oh, fantastic.

0:36:150:36:17

-No, you can't do that...

-Well, the problem is

0:36:170:36:19

that they're not actually selling very well at the moment.

0:36:190:36:22

-You can't plug the book. This is the BBC.

-I'm not plugging it.

0:36:220:36:26

I'm just saying, unfortunately, it's not selling very well...

0:36:260:36:29

-Stop saying that.

-..so if anyone wants to buy the book

0:36:290:36:31

we'd be very grateful if you would and...

0:36:310:36:33

-And Amazon is a good place to buy it from.

-I love it.

0:36:330:36:37

-On Amazon?

-Yeah.

-What would you know about Amazon?

0:36:370:36:39

Well, what you do is you...

0:36:390:36:41

You're going to explain to them at home how to...? How to use Amazon?

0:36:410:36:44

Yes. I mean, you plug in to Amazon.

0:36:440:36:46

You know how computers work, where you plug into them like that?

0:36:460:36:49

You write in... You write in the title of the book

0:36:490:36:51

-and then the book will come back to you...

-Through the computer.

0:36:510:36:55

..at a very reasonable price, and that's it. That's how it works.

0:36:550:36:58

You have never used Amazon in your life.

0:36:580:37:00

Well, I never used it personally, but...

0:37:000:37:02

I've just given you the rough idea of how it works.

0:37:020:37:04

You never do it. You never use Amazon.

0:37:040:37:06

I've got people to do it.

0:37:060:37:08

-Who are these people?

-Well, staff.

0:37:080:37:11

-We don't have staff.

-Your mother!

0:37:110:37:13

LAUGHTER

0:37:130:37:15

-Your mother does it.

-She is not staff!

0:37:180:37:20

Well, no, but she does all the buying and the selling on eBay...

0:37:200:37:24

Oh, no, I shouldn't have mentioned about that.

0:37:240:37:26

I tell you what, Jack, you get an idea of someone's life

0:37:260:37:28

just by the chapter headings of a book.

0:37:280:37:30

A Black Tie Affair, Nannies and Four Weeks in Provence.

0:37:300:37:32

It was a tough upbringing, wasn't it?

0:37:320:37:34

We need to get some champagne.

0:37:360:37:38

Get some staff in.

0:37:380:37:40

RINGS BELL Hilary!

0:37:400:37:42

Oh, here she comes.

0:37:430:37:45

-Hello, Mother.

-God bless her.

0:37:450:37:47

Good old Hilary.

0:37:470:37:49

Lovely. God bless you.

0:37:490:37:50

-Thank you very much, Hilary.

-Staff? I'm staff?

0:37:550:38:00

-Thank you so much.

-Ew!

0:38:000:38:02

Bless you.

0:38:020:38:04

There we are.

0:38:040:38:05

We meet again. - Oh, go on.

0:38:050:38:07

-One for Nige.

-Thank you, staff. Very kind, staff.

0:38:070:38:10

-Thank you very much.

-Watch it.

0:38:100:38:13

Hilary, you haven't given them the good stuff, have you?

0:38:140:38:16

-I'm... I'm watching you.

-Yeah.

0:38:160:38:19

Daddy, I thought maybe because it's getting quite

0:38:200:38:23

cold in the studio you could have this little...

0:38:230:38:25

-put on your knees, this little rug.

-Fuck off.

0:38:250:38:27

I beg your pardon for using that language in front of you.

0:38:280:38:31

Come on, just fuck off.

0:38:310:38:34

Try to be nice to him and that's what you get.

0:38:370:38:41

-So, Nigel...

-Yes.

0:38:410:38:42

..one of the moments you're most famous for on screen is that

0:38:420:38:45

bit in Chariots of Fire when you go over the hurdles

0:38:450:38:47

when they've all got the champagne glasses on.

0:38:470:38:50

Did you actually do that in the film?

0:38:500:38:51

I did, but they did... I have to be honest

0:38:510:38:54

and say that they did have to Sellotape the champagne glasses.

0:38:540:38:57

-Really?

-Yeah, because I used to knock a few off.

0:38:570:38:59

Is it a hard thing to do then, hurdle with the champagne glasses?

0:38:590:39:03

I thought hurdling was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

0:39:030:39:06

Really? So, no, because we have one...

0:39:060:39:08

We have the greatest hurdler in British athletics history.

0:39:080:39:11

-400 hurdles.

-No, the greatest ever hurdler.

0:39:110:39:14

Colin Jackson, if you're watching, you can go and fuck yourself.

0:39:140:39:17

Do you reckon you would be able to hurdle over a hurdle

0:39:170:39:20

if it had champagne glasses on?

0:39:200:39:22

Um...yeah, why not? Yeah sure, of course I could. Of course I could!

0:39:220:39:27

Back in the day. Back in the day.

0:39:270:39:29

If only we had a hurdle here now.

0:39:290:39:32

-Akabusi!

-No. Look!

0:39:340:39:36

-Oh, man...

-Santabusi!

0:39:360:39:38

Oh, my word!

0:39:380:39:40

Oh, my word! That's going to be too..

0:39:400:39:43

Oh, my... That's Colin Jackson. Yeah, that's far...

0:39:430:39:47

OK, maybe that's a bit high. We'll put it down a bit.

0:39:470:39:50

No, the Baroness is first...

0:39:500:39:51

..and then we just go down the line, ending up with Chris.

0:39:530:39:56

God. - Oh, my word.

0:39:560:39:58

-Good work, Jack.

-What is the right height?

0:39:580:40:01

OK. Let's get... Have we got some champagne? Yeah?

0:40:010:40:03

Aren't they nice, those little elves?

0:40:030:40:05

-They're very nice.

-Yes.

-Would you like...?

0:40:050:40:07

We have one each, Jack, and I have one each in our dressing room.

0:40:070:40:10

That is incredible.

0:40:120:40:13

Well, I mean, that's very unusual to have to hurdle...

0:40:130:40:16

-I'm getting a little bit worried.

-Come on, Santabusi. You can do this.

0:40:160:40:19

-I can't hurdle with...

-Can we have the music?

0:40:190:40:21

-Can we have the Chariots of Fire music?

-Oh!

0:40:210:40:24

Santabusi, let me take your shoes off for you.

0:40:240:40:27

-Let me get the other one off. I'll be helpful.

-Oh, my God.

0:40:270:40:30

I think he's going to jump over.

0:40:300:40:32

Come, on guys! Believe!

0:40:320:40:35

-CHARIOTS OF FIRE MUSIC

-Go on, Santabusi!

0:40:350:40:39

AUDIENCE CLAPS

0:40:390:40:41

Yes!

0:40:410:40:43

Boom! Boom! Get in!

0:40:430:40:46

Oh, wow, wow!

0:41:040:41:07

Boom, boom, boom!

0:41:070:41:09

Boom! Boom!

0:41:090:41:12

Ladies and gentlemen, that is all we have time for.

0:41:150:41:17

A massive thank you to my guests Lee Mack, Baroness Trumpington,

0:41:170:41:21

Christine Bleakley, Nigel Havers and Santabusi.

0:41:210:41:25

But, before we go, it's the moment we've all been waiting for.

0:41:250:41:28

As promised, Bad Education's Christmas choir

0:41:280:41:31

are going to sing my father...

0:41:310:41:33

What's your favourite carol?

0:41:330:41:35

-My favourite carol, did you say?

-Yeah, your favourite carol.

0:41:350:41:38

-Thatcher, Carol Thatcher.

-No, not Carol Thatcher.

-Oh, no, sorry.

0:41:380:41:41

Your favourite Christmas carol.

0:41:410:41:43

-Oh, right. Silent Night, isn't it?

-Silent Night.

0:41:430:41:46

-Wonderful.

-Take it away.

-Great.

0:41:460:41:49

Love Silent Night - the lyrics are so lovely.

0:41:500:41:53

Just listen.

0:41:560:41:57

Jack, listen to the lyrics, they're so beautiful.

0:41:570:42:01

CHOIR SINGS IN GERMAN

0:42:050:42:07

No!

0:42:070:42:09

Einsam wacht!

0:42:160:42:20

The Bad Education choir!

0:42:520:42:55

APPLAUSE

0:42:550:42:56

Hooray!

0:42:560:42:58

Merry Christmas, everybody!

0:43:010:43:04

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