Episode 4 Backchat with Jack Whitehall and His Dad


Episode 4

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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Good evening and welcome to Backchat,

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the show that always seems to descend into a big posh family argument.

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Imagine Downton Abbey meets the Jeremy Kyle Show.

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We have got an eclectic guest list for you tonight.

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Joining me this evening,

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we have Bear Grylls, Born Survivor,

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Rylan Clark and Louie Spence, Born Fabulous,

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and my father, born some time before the Industrial Revolution.

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Bear Grylls is the country's best loved adventurer.

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He has had to survive in some of the most inhospitable

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places on Earth, from the Arctic tundra to the Siberian wilderness.

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He even - get this -

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spent an entire night at a Premier Inn in Barnsley.

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At one point, it got so cold, he had to hollow out Lenny Henry

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and use him as shelter.

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Our other guest is Rylan Clark. Since hitting the big time,

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Rylan's splashed the cash on a new set of porcelain veneers.

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Apparently, his new teeth are so bright, this Christmas, last year's

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X Factor runner-up, Jahmene Douglas, has been booked to switch them on.

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I wouldn't make remarks about people's teeth.

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Remember what your teeth were like. Your teeth were so bad.

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They were enormous.

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Can you remember when you were 14?

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I nearly entered you into the Grand National one year!

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We should be honoured to have Bear on the show.

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One of the things Bear is, he is the head of the Scouts Association.

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-Did you ever do any scouting for boys?

-I did, yes.

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I was a very, very good Scout. I had loads of badges.

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I had badges for knots

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and then I remember getting a special badge for keeping secrets...

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OK. Um...

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-..which was given to me by the Scout Master.

-Don't want to hear that!

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Our first guest tonight is Bear Grylls.

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If you're not quite sure what he does, let's take a look at him

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in action.

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Here you go. Look, bring the camera over here.

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And look inside.

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You can see everything that's been eaten.

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And that's just...partially digested...

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And the fluid in this, again, is drinkable.

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Drinkable...

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but truly...disgusting!

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Ladies and gentlemen, it's Bear Grylls.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY APPLAUSE

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What were you doing?

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That was one of the rumen of the camel and obviously,

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they hold a lot of liquid that can hydrate you,

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if you're in the desert, but it's not going to ever taste very nice.

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But it is drinkable. It will hydrate you. It could save your life.

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But there have been a lot of sort of bad experiences that have had

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to go down my throat over the um...

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I was expecting this from Louie Spence.

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What is the worst thing you've eaten on the show, do you think?

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Probably raw goat's testicles was a low point. Frozen yak eyeballs.

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Elephant dung. Bear poo was especially bad.

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-I remember coming across a huge steaming...

-Sorry. A bear, or...?

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-Not your shit?

-No, not mine.

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There was a big steaming pile of this stuff in the woods

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and again, their digestion's very fast

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and they're eating a lot of berries

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and you can actually pick bits of apple that have only half digested

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and just blow the faecal matter off it and then throw that down.

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But you're not like that at home, in your day-to-day life?

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I'd so love to be able to say I get home from an expedition

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and have a bag of nails for breakfast, ice bath and...

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-Shit in the laundry basket.

-Exactly.

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No, I've got three young boys, a lovely wife. There's nothing better than getting back,

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a hot bath and they all jump in and they tend to make me

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a nice big cake, a carrot cake, whatever, heaven!

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-I love all of that.

-And then throw it in shit.

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But in a survival situation,

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sometimes you just have to eat the most disgusting stuff.

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Yeah, survival food's never going to be pretty

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and you've got to put your prejudices aside.

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You've got to go for it.

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I saw one episode where you tether a reindeer to a tree

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and then you slit its throat and you start drinking the blood from it.

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-It's a very nutritious part of the beast.

-Obviously.

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Minerals, everything.

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It's not, for me, an idea of a fun Saturday night out,

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drinking the raw blood of an animal, but you've got no choice, do it!

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You've got to do it. Is there any animal that's too cute to kill and eat the heart of?

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What about this?

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AUDIENCE: Aw!

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You really wouldn't want to be in a situation where you've got to do that, but having said that...

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You're out in the wilderness, that is the only animal that you have around. What do you do?

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Look at the Shackleton story.

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All they had to live off was seals and penguins

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and stuff for however many years they were stuck down there.

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Again, it's the unimaginable.

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It's the worst part of survival and I don't take it ever lightly.

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Sorry for taking it lightly. I'm not taking it lightly. What about this?

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AUDIENCE: Aw!

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Well, my kids now... I've got three boys and they're getting to the age where they all want pets.

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That would be so funny.

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"Mummy, I've lost my hamster." "Bear!"

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"Sorry, what? No."

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There's quite a lot of gags around our household of - where's the cat?

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"Papa!"

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"I've not done anything to the cat!"

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We wanted to see... Two slices of bread.

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What about this, Bear?

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AUDIENCE: Aw!

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Two slices of bread, little Cecil? No! Don't eat it!

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Do you know, we've got two very lovely dogs.

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One of which is very like that and they are ridiculously cute.

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-I thought you were going to say tasty.

-I'm not making a sandwich!

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What if we brought out the right condiments?

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-Firmly off the menu.

-I get what the problem is here.

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It's the slices of bread. You're a well brought up chap like me.

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I also brought ciabatta.

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Who wants to look after the dog for the rest of the show?

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I don't trust you, ladies over there!

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Jack, why don't we keep the dog on here? It'd be quite sweet.

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-Are we not allowed to?

-There's a lot of that going on!

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They literally don't trust you near any kind of animal!

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You look like you have warm, kind eyes, madam. You take that.

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AUDIENCE: Aw!

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-Jack, there's some sort of wee down your front.

-It's weed down my front?!

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-Very funny.

-Joking.

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You did, actually! You genuinely got me!

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APPLAUSE

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Now, Bear, I want to move away from eating disgusting stuff cos

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obviously, you're more than just that.

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You're never far away from a glass of urine on the show.

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Talk to me about the drinking of the wee wee.

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I do want to make clear, this again isn't a Friday night hobby of mine.

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-Yeah.

-The worst one I had to do was I'd killed a snake

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and I'd eaten the snake, but I'd kept the skin

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and I thought I'd use the skin as an improvised water bottle for pee.

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So I'd peed in the snake skin and tied it off, had it round my neck.

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I'd been in the Salt Pan, this desert, it was boiling hot.

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-Oh, my God!

-And it came to the point at the end of the day

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when I was drinking the pee and it had been festering in this

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-cocktail of snake innards for a day, so that was a bad one.

-Oh!

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That sounds like the worst Frube ever.

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I couldn't pee on camera. I'd get stage fright.

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I do get stage fright, but they just...

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In the edit, it's like, shorten that bit...

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-Not that bit!

-No!

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Lengthen that bit! Shorten this bit!

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They do a lot of pixelating and I'm just going,

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"Can't you just elongate the pixelation?

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"Even if there's nothing there, just imagine!"

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Did I tell you about someone who drank their own urine?

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-He used to do it socially, which was completely different.

-Socially?!

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This was an actress called Sarah Miles.

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And she drank her own urine, as sort of part of her lifestyle.

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And I remember her asking me, cos I was quite friendly with her very

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briefly, to a party and somebody rang up and said, "It's a bottle party.

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"You have to take a bottle with you."

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When I arrived there, there were bottles all over the place

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and I thought I'd better stick to the red, to be on the safe side.

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And at the end, she offered me a dessert wine, very dark,

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yellow, heavy.

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I said, "Sarah, I think actually, if you don't mind, I'll leave that."

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She wasn't doing it for survival. She was just fucking mental.

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No, she lived in Notting Hill Gate.

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There was nothing there to survive from.

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My kids have actually started with the whole urine gag as well now.

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I was training the other day at home, doing my press-ups,

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I had the water bottle and Jesse came in,

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who is aged nine...ten, and I said, "Would you just go

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"and fill up the water bottle, from the tap?" He went, "Sure."

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Ran out the room and he came back 30 seconds later, like this,

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gave it to me, I went, "Great."

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-He'd peed in the bottle.

-Oh, my God!

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Such a good idea. Let me just...

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Next time you're working out in the gym(!)

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-You'll have a long wait.

-Do you train quite a lot, Jack?

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-Do you keep fit?

-Yeah.

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I get down the gym every once or twice a...year.

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-Michael, were you ever into...?

-No.

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It's a generational thing. My dad would never have.

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He would have thought it was terribly kind of common to train.

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Absolutely. And sort of gyms and things like that,

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very peculiar places to go in those days.

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What are you talking about?

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There was a place in German Street, Turkish baths,

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where they had a similar sort of arrangement.

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There's no way that your father would have gone to a Turkish bath.

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Everyone watching this show now thinks that you went to

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a Turkish bath in the 1960s.

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You got up to some weird shit!

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Drinking old women's piss, going to kind of weird spas and stuff.

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I didn't introduce the question of urine. You did.

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You said you found it very difficult to have a wee.

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I thought that was quite weird.

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You do get very shy, particularly in stand-ups.

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Why are you telling everyone that I get nervous in stand-up urinals?

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-Not everyone.

-This is a fucking national television show!

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-It's BBC Three!

-That is national television!

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-I don't think Bear wants to sit here...

-I love it.

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It's such a nice dynamic.

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I wish my dad was around to have this sort of... It's genius.

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We have a similar thing,

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in terms of fathers cos you were brought up by a proper Tory.

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Your father was a Tory MP.

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Those were the days when your father was MP when men were men.

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Harold Macmillan, Anthony Eden, they were the real men.

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Margaret Thatcher, she was as good a man as anyone.

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Did you ever meet Maggie Thatcher?

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No, I think I spotted her once across a room aged eight

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and was quite intimidated.

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You're not trying to get me to tell that story?

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He's trying to get me to tell the story

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because I went out a few times with Carol, their daughter.

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-Don't start making rude remarks about her. She's a very nice girl.

-Girl!

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-Well, she was when I went out with her.

-Yeah.

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-This was "went out" in the Biblical sense?

-It was sort of not quite.

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-But I went out with her...

-We don't need any more detail.

-I wasn't going to give you any more detail.

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-This is a question that's really hard for you to ask your dad, but maybe I'm a bit freer.

-Oh, fine.

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-Did you ever French kiss Carol Thatcher?

-I don't want to hear that!

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-Yes, I did.

-Shut up!

-I have to say, I did.

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-Oh, brilliant.

-I went from between French kissing and heavy petting.

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But I never went further than that with her.

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She asked me back to Number 10 Downing Street to meet the parents

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and it was sort of midnight-ish and I was beginning to get a little...

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-I wasn't drunk.

-You were pissed.

-I was not.

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Anyway, I went out into the hall to order a cab and I rang up the

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cab company and Carol was standing next to me and I said, "Hello.

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"I'd like a cab please to Number 10 Downing Street." The chap

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at the other end said, "Oh, yes, sir. 10 Downing Street, right.

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"And what would your name be?" And I said, "Whitehall."

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And he said, "Oh, right." She then grabbed the phone off me

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cos she could see I wasn't coping very well with it.

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She said, "Hello!" And the guy at the other end said, "Yes, hello?"

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And she said, "Have you got all those details?"

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And he said, "Yes, I've got Mr Whitehall from 10 Downing Street.

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"Who would you be?" She said, "My name is Thatcher!"

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At which point the man put the phone down and I didn't get a cab.

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That is the worst excuse I've ever heard for sleeping with

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Carol Thatcher.

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This is so much more fun as a chat show.

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Most of the time, chat shows,

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you go on and it's kind of like...tell the stories.

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It's so nice just sitting and having a conversation. I love these sort of stories. They're amazing.

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-Thank you very much, Bear.

-You're the first person that's said that.

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We've had several guests, all of them

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-have left feeling that it was a very weird experience.

-Yes.

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It's much nicer talking about other people than talking about yourself.

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It's great.

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I suspect when Louie Spence and Rylan Clark come out,

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it may be less laid back.

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Now, when my mum and sister want to treat themselves,

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they go off for one of those health spas for a bit of pampering

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and some special girly time.

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Well, what's good enough for the ladies is good enough for the gentlemen.

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Right, Dad?

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Here's what happened when I took my father to an all-male Russian spa.

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I'd heard a lot about these kind of places,

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particularly the foreign ones.

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-I mean, they are all sort of gay people.

-What?

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A sort of cover. Camouflage. It is!

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I know to what you refer but this is not one of those...

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If you think you are going to get me in one of these places

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-and they start grabbing me...

-They are not going to be grabbing you!

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And even if it was one of those places,

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I imagine you would be pretty down the hit list of people to grab.

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Why don't you just look at the treatments and decide what you want?

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What is this "smoked sausage with stewed cabbage"?

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I'm not having that all over my face! That is gross!

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That is the food menu.

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Yeah. There you are. Just what I told you.

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"Wanka - £12." That's what happens. You get a wank for £12.

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It doesn't mean that. That's Russian for something else.

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That's quite cheap, £12.

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I mean, it's actually less than some of these sandwiches

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over here on the left. The crayfish sandwich is £25.

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That's the equivalent of two wanks.

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My father has issues with opening up to me so I thought something like

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a sauna is a good environment to get the conversation flowing a bit.

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'Didn't happen like that.'

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That was absolutely ludicrous!

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Sitting in a boiling hot room

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-with that man's genitalia waving all over me.

-Sorry.

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-What the hell was going on?

-I didn't know he was coming in.

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-You told me it was a private session.

-I didn't know.

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Please will you do the next treatment? It's called venik.

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It's really good. It's the most expensive treatment they have.

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-I think you're going to really like it. Please do it.

-OK.

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No. We do it one by one, this treatment.

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-Someone will come and get you.

-I'll sit here and read my book.

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Mr Whitehall, if you'd like to come through.

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SLAPPING

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You must be joking!

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-HE SIGHS

-I don't know why my dad walked out.

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It's a Russian tradition. It's like their version of croquet.

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Come on, Daddy. You've got to admit this is nice.

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It's better than what else we've been having done to us.

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HE SIGHS

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-I have to say, my chap is a bit on the rough side.

-Ask him to be softer.

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Could you be a little less rough, Sergei, do you think?

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HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN

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They are Russian, Daddy, they don't speak English.

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Oh, yeah. Right.

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If you want,

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I could Google Translate, "Could he be a bit more gentle" for you?

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-Yeah, OK. Good idea.

-Carry on.

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-Read that.

-All right. Thank you.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Big thank you to all the people from the Russian spa,

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especially Sergei, for going the extra mile!

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LAUGHTER

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For those of you tuning in expecting to see

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David Walliams, I'm afraid I have some bad news.

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David was supposed to be here tonight but he actually

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hurt his back and so he can't be with us.

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-Hasn't he just taken on a young wife?

-A, You don't take on a young wife...

0:19:160:19:20

-No?

-I don't know.

-He has.

0:19:200:19:23

Yes, he does have a younger wife.

0:19:230:19:26

I mean, I've got a younger wife, as you know, Jack. Your mother.

0:19:260:19:29

-My mother, yes.

-LAUGHTER

0:19:290:19:31

Voracious appetite, your mother.

0:19:310:19:34

Get well soon, David Walliams.

0:19:360:19:38

Still, we weren't to be denied our dose of high campery.

0:19:390:19:42

We wanted this episode to be our big camp extravaganza.

0:19:420:19:47

Unfortunately, one man alone couldn't fit David's shoes

0:19:470:19:50

so would you please welcome to the show Rylan Clark and Louie Spence!

0:19:500:19:55

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:19:550:19:58

Nice to see you. How are you?

0:20:050:20:09

How do you do? Lovely to see you.

0:20:110:20:13

I'm in the middle!

0:20:140:20:17

Pop you down in the middle, there.

0:20:170:20:19

-I'm next to a bear!

-LAUGHTER

0:20:190:20:21

-Do you reckon you'd be good on one of Bear's Wild Weekends?

-No.

0:20:210:20:26

-You wouldn't do it?

-No, I'd die.

0:20:260:20:29

-You must have been asked on I'm A Celeb?

-I'd die.

0:20:290:20:31

-That's why I can't do things like that.

-None of it?

0:20:310:20:33

The thing about I'm A Celeb that frightens me most

0:20:330:20:36

is walking over the bridge!

0:20:360:20:38

That bridge don't look safe, I'm sorry. It's like that.

0:20:380:20:40

Bit of a wobble on it, isn't it, darling? We like things firm.

0:20:400:20:44

That's why I'd go out with Bear wherever he wants to go,

0:20:440:20:46

cos I'm sure he would be very firm and strong and to the point.

0:20:460:20:49

-It could be you, Bear and Michael.

-That would be nice, Michael.

0:20:490:20:53

Yes, wouldn't it? Lovely.

0:20:530:20:56

What's the worst thing you've ever...eaten?

0:20:560:20:59

The worst thing I've ever eaten, tried to, was a vagina.

0:21:000:21:04

I was just like, I'm sorry!

0:21:040:21:06

It's just not for me. So I tried it. I did try it.

0:21:060:21:11

What happened was I went down the ditch after school with this girl

0:21:110:21:15

and we went to the lollipop man first and I got a Fab.

0:21:150:21:17

We ate the Fab and with the lollipop stick,

0:21:170:21:19

I had a little poke around and then I decided it wasn't for me.

0:21:190:21:24

What about camping? How are you with camping?

0:21:240:21:26

-Did you go on camping holidays growing up?

-No.

0:21:260:21:28

-What about a bit of glamping?

-No.

0:21:280:21:31

That's just camping with a glass instead of a plastic cup.

0:21:310:21:34

-That's bollocks.

-What do you think of glamping?

0:21:340:21:37

Like they do at the festivals with the bivouac and you've got a...

0:21:370:21:40

-A tipi.

-That's not proper camping.

0:21:400:21:44

Actually, Shara, my wife, would love it.

0:21:440:21:47

Now she goes, "You go and do your stuff

0:21:470:21:50

"and I'll have it all nice at home."

0:21:500:21:52

Do you know, I've got to say... I am so sorry for butting in.

0:21:520:21:54

Bear, you don't half look well for all that shit you do!

0:21:540:21:57

Do you know, I expected to come on here... I've never met you before.

0:21:570:22:00

I thought, "He's going to look like shit."

0:22:000:22:03

He's been through the wars, do you know what I mean?

0:22:030:22:06

Like, underneath an ice polar bear and all that.

0:22:060:22:10

-You don't half look well.

-Thank you. That's kind.

-You really do.

0:22:100:22:13

I think you would be good in the wild situation,

0:22:130:22:16

-Louie, because obviously you trained as a dancer.

-Yeah.

0:22:160:22:21

But in terms of blending in with your surroundings,

0:22:210:22:24

one of your first ever jobs was...

0:22:240:22:26

I know what you are trying to get to.

0:22:260:22:28

-You mean when I was, like, a pussy?

-Tell us about that.

0:22:280:22:33

-What happened?

-Well...

0:22:330:22:36

What happened was I got a job in the West End in Cats...

0:22:360:22:38

-I love Cats! What were you in Cats?

-Get your spit guard up!

0:22:380:22:42

-I was magical Mr Mistoffelees.

-LAUGHTER

0:22:420:22:45

When you go to pussy school, what they do is they

0:22:450:22:49

make you improvise so you have to sort of crawl around on the floor.

0:22:490:22:53

-I've done this so many times.

-Show them!

-Rylan!

0:22:530:22:57

-LAUGHTER

-I want to see it!

0:22:570:22:59

So, anyway... I start on the mat.

0:22:590:23:02

When you go to pussy school, after three days you have to improvise

0:23:020:23:05

and you have to be a cat so you have to crawl around,

0:23:050:23:08

sniffing everyone's arse. I was like, "I'm fine with that.

0:23:080:23:10

"I've done that without being paid."

0:23:100:23:12

-So anyway, you have to, like...

-HE HISSES

0:23:120:23:15

LAUGHTER

0:23:150:23:17

He's so good!

0:23:180:23:20

Oh, no! HE HISSES

0:23:220:23:24

-Louie!

-Really!

0:23:330:23:36

I should just warn you, I think my dad is more of a dog person.

0:23:360:23:39

LAUGHTER

0:23:390:23:41

-Could you teach anyone to be a pussy?

-I mean, yeah.

0:23:410:23:43

-There's limitations. If Bear wants to get down...

-No way!

0:23:430:23:46

-Don't even think about it!

-Could you teach anyone to dance, Louie?

0:23:460:23:49

Cos you're the best dance teacher in the world.

0:23:490:23:52

Yeah, thanks for that. Well, I think... You know, people...

0:23:520:23:57

If they haven't got absolutely no rhythm, it's quite hard.

0:23:570:23:59

You know that phrase "two left feet"?

0:23:590:24:01

What if those two left feet also had gout?

0:24:010:24:04

LAUGHTER

0:24:040:24:05

When I hear the word gout, I think of, like, cheese.

0:24:050:24:09

LAUGHTER

0:24:090:24:12

-Have you got gout, Michael?

-No, I haven't.

0:24:120:24:14

-I don't know why he's mentioned it.

-You do!

0:24:140:24:16

This show has gone very down-market in the last ten minutes.

0:24:160:24:19

Have you noticed?

0:24:190:24:21

I want to talk about the crying on X Factor

0:24:210:24:23

cos that was a very big part of it.

0:24:230:24:25

You were always very emotional. Are you always very emotional?

0:24:250:24:28

I do like a little cry but I want to defend this, like, right now.

0:24:280:24:31

LAUGHTER

0:24:310:24:33

Michael, you don't watch it but basically, during the show,

0:24:330:24:36

you have to get through certain rounds to earn money,

0:24:360:24:38

practically, let's be fair.

0:24:380:24:40

I got through the last round where it was,

0:24:400:24:42

"You'll earn a couple of grand, well done to you."

0:24:420:24:45

So I was in Dubai and I, genuinely,

0:24:450:24:49

along with the rest of the country, thought, "He's fucking off home".

0:24:490:24:52

So on the last night before the result,

0:24:520:24:55

we were all having a bit of a piss up in the pool.

0:24:550:24:57

We didn't end up going to bed until eight in the morning

0:24:570:24:59

and the results...filming, started at ten in the morning.

0:24:590:25:02

I had had one hour's sleep.

0:25:020:25:04

It was 50 degree heat and I was hung-over.

0:25:040:25:06

Scherzi's sitting there and I'm like...I've got the shakes.

0:25:060:25:10

Not because I'm nervous but because I'm still pissed.

0:25:100:25:12

And she is like, "You know, blah, blah, blah.

0:25:120:25:15

"You are going through." And I was like, "What?"

0:25:150:25:17

And it was the shock. It was like someone picked up a few fish

0:25:170:25:21

and slapped me around the face and I sobered up and it was 50 degrees.

0:25:210:25:24

I was sweating, my make-up was on my top, I'm on the floor

0:25:240:25:27

and then at some point I'm underneath the chaise longue.

0:25:270:25:29

-I don't know what the fuck happened.

-LAUGHTER

0:25:290:25:32

Obviously, quite a lot of effort goes into Rylan, the look.

0:25:320:25:38

-A little bit, yeah.

-Talk me through your beauty regime.

0:25:380:25:42

Well, basically I was just a fat ginger kid

0:25:440:25:46

-so I just try and hide it as much as I can.

-Are you ginger?

0:25:460:25:51

-Is that your natural colour?

-It's sort of died down.

0:25:510:25:53

How does the beard work?

0:25:530:25:54

The beard is quite ginger so that's a mascara job.

0:25:540:25:58

Oh, really?

0:25:580:26:00

But never use it from the mascara

0:26:000:26:02

because it gets too clumpy so get another mascara wand.

0:26:020:26:04

Michael, don't worry. I'll write this down for you.

0:26:040:26:07

You get another mascara wand and rub it on there and fill that in.

0:26:070:26:11

-And the eyebrows?

-The eyebrows are dark naturally.

0:26:110:26:14

Beauty regime, Bear? Is there much time for a beauty regime

0:26:140:26:17

when you are in the wilderness?

0:26:170:26:19

No, is the straight answer. I use a lot of kind of natural things.

0:26:190:26:23

-Crack open an aloe vera.

-Exactly.

0:26:230:26:26

Even at home, I use olive oil as moisturiser.

0:26:260:26:30

I do that because I had eczema, you know.

0:26:300:26:32

-Sometimes a bit of avocado in the hair.

-The olive oil is very good.

0:26:320:26:35

You've got to rinse the bath after with washing up liquid.

0:26:350:26:37

It's the only thing that will get rid of it,

0:26:370:26:40

otherwise you'll slip around like nobody's business.

0:26:400:26:42

But very good, the olive oil, isn't it? For everywhere?

0:26:420:26:44

-This is all going in, Jack.

-What do you think my father should do?

0:26:440:26:48

I think he needs to look a little bit more camera friendly?

0:26:480:26:51

I don't really know if he does need anything. I think it works.

0:26:510:26:54

He's sitting in that beautiful leather chair,

0:26:540:26:56

he's looking quite regal.

0:26:560:26:58

He's a sophisticated older man who is well-educated

0:26:580:27:01

and really doesn't know what he's doing sitting here with these

0:27:010:27:04

two homosexuals and this explorer but I think he looks fine as he is.

0:27:040:27:09

I think I could give you a few tips. I get toxed.

0:27:090:27:11

I'll have a bit of Botox but I had mine last week

0:27:110:27:13

-so I'm not quite fully frozen yet.

-Where is that?

0:27:130:27:16

I have a love heart round here and I have three around the eyes.

0:27:160:27:19

Haven't kicked in. Only had it done on Sunday. Next week will be fine.

0:27:190:27:22

You know it's super dangerous, that stuff?

0:27:220:27:24

So is what you do, Bear, but we have to do it.

0:27:240:27:27

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:27:270:27:30

I haven't quite gone as far as anal bleaching because they do say...

0:27:330:27:36

Listen, it's only what I've read. I'm well read, like...

0:27:360:27:41

Can I just say, Michael, I really hope you haven't had anal bleaching

0:27:420:27:46

-cos that would destroy...

-It gives you a more youthful look.

0:27:460:27:49

You'd be surprised. Frodo here takes care of the ring.

0:27:490:27:53

When Father bends over, it's like opening up a fridge door,

0:27:530:27:56

-it lights up the room.

-LAUGHTER

0:27:560:27:59

That's lowered the tone, Michael.

0:27:590:28:02

It has lowered the tone, you're right, Rylan.

0:28:020:28:04

-Let's bring the tone back up. Daddy, would you like a drink?

-A drink?

0:28:040:28:09

-Yeah, do you fancy a martini?

-Yes. What time is it? Oh, yes.

0:28:090:28:13

A dry martini would be very nice.

0:28:130:28:15

-LAUGHTER

-For fuck's sake!

0:28:170:28:19

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:28:190:28:22

Where's the olive? LAUGHTER

0:28:220:28:24

APPLAUSE

0:28:260:28:28

Ladies and gentlemen, that's all we have time for this week.

0:28:280:28:31

Thank you to my guests Bear Grylls, Rylan Clark and Louie Spence.

0:28:310:28:34

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