Episode 3 Backchat with Jack Whitehall and His Dad

This programme contains some strong language

APPLAUSE

Good evening and welcome to Backchat,

the show I host with my father.

Yes, this is the first time someone has

hosted a chat show with one of their parents

since Richard Madeley presented This Morning with his mother, Judy.

LAUGHTER

We've got two great guests on the show tonight.

Joining us is Alan Sugar's right-hand man, Nick Hewer,

and rap star Lethal Bizzle.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Obviously, I am a big Countdown fan, so I've got Nick to come on the show

and my dad is massively into Grime and requested either Lethal Bizzle

or any of his badman homies from the More Fire crew.

LAUGHTER

I've no idea what you're talking about.

What is all that?

Just leave it, blud.

LAUGHTER

We're incredibly lucky to have Lethal Bizzle on the show

cos, recently, he had a near fatal car accident

when his Ferrari slid on a wet road.

I suspect we can put that one down to lethal DRIZZLE!

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

One clap, that's all it deserved.

We've also got Nick Hewer on the show.

Nick Hewer was born in Swindon, the one place on the planet where

Amstrad's fax phone is positively futuristic.

LAUGHTER

To be fair, they only got the wheel in February.

LAUGHTER

Don't worry, I can say these jokes because my £5,000 a term

boarding school was actually 12 miles away from Swindon.

Where's this £5,000 figure come from?

I don't know, that was just for the joke.

Your school fees were a lot more than that.

LAUGHTER

-A lot more than that.

-We're not here to talk about my school fees.

Why do you think I would be here now? Doing this?

-I've got a lot more than that to pay back.

-OK!

OK, time to bring out our first guest.

He is the silver fox, the thinking woman's Paul Hollywood.

He has grannies up and down the land glued to their sofas,

best bone china quivering in their hands,

waiting for him to reveal

just how long and incredibly hard his conundrum is.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Nick Hewer.

APPLAUSE

Actually - stop, stop, stop!

Let's do this so that he feels more at home. OK? Right, ready?

Play it, OK. Sh, sh, sh!

LAUGHTER

Now, do the thing with the phone!

SUSPENSE MUSIC FROM THE APPRENTICE

Would you send him in now, please, Frances?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

No, no, no, no! NO!

-Sorry!

-What?

-Do the voice.

-That's what we said we'd do.

You said you'd do the Alan Sugar voice. Do the Alan Sugar voice.

No, don't be ridiculous, there's no way I'm doing the Alan Sugar voice.

-Oh, do the voice.

-I'm not doing voices.

I do my own voice and that's it.

You're the one who does the funny voices.

I don't do the funny voices, please...

Well, they're not funny, but you do all the different voices.

Can you just do what we arranged? Come on. He's waiting out there.

You have to do the voice. Come on.

GRUFF: Would you send him in now, please, Frances?

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, Nick Hewer!

How are you?

DROWNED OUT BY APPLAUSE

How are you?

DROWNED OUT BY APPLAUSE

Nick, welcome to the show.

It's my pleasure.

-I'm quite nervous, actually, Jack.

-Why?

-I don't know.

-Two formidable characters here.

-Yeah, but we...

-I'll do my best.

But you and father have a kind of bromance with each other.

LAUGHTER

And I see you as the kind of caring father I never had.

LAUGHTER

So, you and my father have one thing in common,

that you have both come to fame later on in your lives,

but where you differ is that you are considered a bit of a dish.

You were recently voted one of the top ten sexiest older men

-by Heat magazine.

-Really?

Yeah, and I think quite a lot of the ladies here agree.

-Well, I've had no evidence of it.

-No?

-No post.

So, no groupies on Countdown? Do you fraternise with the...?

With the audience? We have an audience.

Unusually, we have a nurse.

We have our own personal constant nurse in the audience.

Yeah, we have one of them. It's for him.

LAUGHTER

One of the big elements of the show on Countdown is

-the celebrity guests that you get in Dictionary Corner.

-Absolutely!

Now, there's someone here this evening who, for some time,

it has been his dream to get that slot on Dictionary Corner.

-What? Daddy?

-Yeah, could you say here tonight that

that is a possibility or...?

I have, Jack, actually, spoken to the producers and...

-he's on the list.

-Ooh!

-You are on the list, Michael.

-On the list!

-Yeah.

APPLAUSE

Just, I think, three or four places just below Biggins.

LAUGHTER

One problem, I think, my father would have

if he was on Dictionary Corner and one problem that I suspect

you might have sometimes is the ever-changing nature of language.

-Of course.

-So, recently, the Oxford English Dictionary announced the new

words that have come in for 2013 and would you know these words?

We have, um, emoji...

-that's a new word. Do you ever emoji?

-I don't think so.

-Not knowingly.

-Gwack. Have you ever twerked, Nick?

LAUGHTER

No, but I saw a picture of Princess Eugenie twerking a bear.

-LAUGHTER

-It was in the paper the other day.

Twerking, so I think I've got that. I don't understand it fully...

-Do you know any of these, or...?

-None so far.

-Selfie.

-Yes!

I know that one.

When he lived with us, um...

I went into his bedroom one day...

-And he was...

-What did you find?

Well, he was lying on his bed having a selfie.

-No!

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And...

No, no...

And what was...

What was really peculiar...

What was really peculiar was that the television was on.

It wasn't on Countdown, was it?

I was waiting to see Rachel Riley

and it kept coming back to you.

I call it a danger selfie!

LAUGHTER

-Was I right or wrong on that one?

-No, it involves a camera.

No, no, no!

LAUGHTER

-That's even worse.

-Just having a selfie!

Mr Hewer...

you are bezzie mates with, um, Lord Sugar. Are the presents good?

-Do you get good birthday presents from him?

-God bless him!

He's a very generous man.

I said, "I'm 70 in February." He said, "Are you?" He said,

"I'll tell you what I'm going for you, I'm getting your eyes done."

LAUGHTER

-What? How? What do you mean, "your eyes done?"

-Get the bags removed.

I said, "Alan, please!" He said, "No, no! Knock ten years off you!"

-He was going to pay to get the bags removed from your eyes!

-He offered.

That's both the most generous

and the most insulting present I've ever heard!

If I was looking for a plastic surgeon,

I'm not sure that I'd go for Alan Sugar's plastic surgeon.

LAUGHTER

I mean, I don't mean that rudely, but...

APPLAUSE

-Nick, so, The Apprentice...

-Yes?

How close do you get to the contestants?

That's a good question, actually.

Um, not at all until the very end.

Because we're just observers.

Um, one came up to Margaret once

and Margaret can have a very short temper, you know.

He said, "Margaret, what a lovely fragrance. What is it?"

And she went back...

on her left foot...

as though to throw a left hook

and she was poised and ready to release it

-when the chap backed off, because she would have felled him.

-What?

So, she doesn't like people being flirtatious with her?

Oh, no, hold on. I didn't say that.

Um, she's great fun and actually quite flirty.

Margaret is, you know, she's got those beautiful, uh,

those beautiful Elizabeth Taylor violet eyes.

My Catherine, my adored Catherine said that

I really ought to have an affair with Margaret.

I fucking knew it!

I knew it, Nick!

I knew it. I watch every episode of The Apprentice.

I'm very fond of her.

And every time I am watching it with my mates or at home,

everyone says, "Jack, you're reading too much into it." But I watch it

and I think you and Margaret, you had that thing,

it was like the Ross and Rachel. Will they? Won't they?

It bound the whole show together

and when you watch those boardrooms,

everyone else was watching the contestants, I was watching you two

and the sexual tension that was fizzing round that boardroom.

Oh, my God! You could feel it on the screen!

That's why Sugar got rid of her. I know it. I can see it now.

Sugar needed to get rid of Margaret

so that he could have you all to himself.

I think it's a terrible mistake to get rid of her

-and get that topless model on.

-What?!

-I mean, how could they have done that?

-Michael, Karren Brady is...

-I mean, a beautiful, sophisticated...

-..not a topless model.

-She is!

-She's not.

She worked for Penthouse, all those magazines that you used to read

when you were self...

-No!

-LAUGHTER

I love Margaret and I think Margaret is a very, very impressive woman.

You can keep your hands off.

Oh! So, you're getting defensive. There is definitely something there!

I'm making some programmes next year with Margaret

and I don't want any interference.

LAUGHTER

Home-made programmes?

LAUGHTER

-Um, Nick Hewer...

-Yeah.

-We did a silly little sketch at the beginning.

-I saw that.

-Did you like that?

-I enjoyed it.

-Did you like my voice?

I thought it was excellent.

To do that we had to get the music from The Apprentice

and in doing that... This was something we found out

in the process of it. There is an Apprentice CD where...

You know this is true!

-I didn't know that.

-Did you not know that?

-No.

You can buy all of the tracks from The Apprentice and it has them

all on, it's like... Boardroom, Driving Home...

LAUGHTER

Do you think when Lord Sugar's having a sort of quiet evening at home,

he says to Lady Sugar...

GRUFF: "Put the CD on, love, would you?

"There's nothing on the telly."

I think there's no moment in your life when you could not use

a track from The Apprentice to punctuate it.

If you're with your girlfriend

and maybe things aren't going right and you need to have

that complicated situation, you sit her down, you're like,

"Look, I'm really sorry we have to talk about this,

"but things aren't working..."

Sorry, before I go on, just stick this on.

THE APPRENTICE ELIMINATION THEME

"Um...

"We've been together for a long time now, and, look,

"it's not you, it's me.

"It just isn't working out.

"We're arguing too much at the moment, so...with regret...

"..you're dumped!"

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Very good.

Perfect!

Now, each week on the show, my father and I

do something to help us bond.

This week, I thought I'd introduce him to one of my own passions -

baking. The rules were simple.

We each had £20 to buy our own ingredients

and my mother agreed to judge.

May the best cake win.

Oh!

What did you get?

I've got a very nice...

bottle of Bouchard Aine et Fils Red Burgundy...

and I've got this pork chop.

-A pork chop?

-Pork chop.

-Dad, it's a Bake Off.

-It's who can bake the best cake.

-A BAKED pork chop.

-No!

-Have you seen the Great British Bake Off?

-The Great British what?

The Great British Bake Off.

They don't have pork chop week on that, do they?

'He's an idiot.

'He knew what the rules were. I set them out very clearly.'

What world is he living in?

-I'll tell you what I could do. I could make a war cake.

-A war cake?

-Yes.

-What the hell is a war cake?

My mother used to make a war cake in 1943.

'Had I known it was a baking challenge'

I think, undoubtedly, I wouldn't have taken part, no.

Baking powder for fluffy muffins? What the fuck is that?

Um, 200g of plain flour.

-It's just approx coming out there...

-You've got to measure it out!

It's not approximate, it's baking.

What have you got in there? It smells like a wrestler's jockstrap.

They're spices. It's turmeric and cumin...

-I thought you were making a cake!

-I am.

What I'm doing is I'm making a three-tiered world cake.

I'm doing tier which is a Middle Eastern sponge cake

and on the second tier I'm doing a Polish cake

and then the top tier is going to be a kind of Caribbean-inspired cake.

Yeah. Well, it represents multiculturalism and modern Britain.

You've changed, haven't you?

'My cake has a very specific purpose and that is to wind up my father,

'whose tastes,'

attitudes and politics are very traditional.

-I've got two more cakes to make.

-Right.

Well, I'm not hanging around for that.

I think I'll just go and have a nice glass of wine.

'I don't think he's taking it seriously.

'He made his cake in about 15 minutes'

and has just gone upstairs for some wine.

I mean, I'm not sure whether I'm allowed to use the word "wank",

but I think a lot of cooking is, in fact, a total wank.

'I mean, there's a lot of sort of Emperor's New Clothes and

'all that about it, trying to impress people with expertise

'when, in fact,'

there's very little expertise involved.

Right, so let's get on with this now.

Come to Mama.

That looks absolutely delicious, I'd say.

It looks...a LITTLE bit overdone.

Whoops.

There we are. Ooh. Hot!

Woo! Yummy.

-Shall we get them judged?

-Yes. Hilary!

-What have we done?

-Time for your judging.

This is the Multiculturalism Cake.

Mm-hm.

-The Jamaican layer...

-Quite hot that one.

Can we get on with this now, Jack, please?

Right, OK.

Could I just ask? Did you put any sugar in this?

-No.

-Oh!

-I don't like sweet sugary things.

It's like a sort of fat pancake. Oh!

It's horrible!

-Honest judgment, which is the best?

-Obviously, it's me.

Well, obviously, the presentation on that is fabulous, but I think

-because you have never cooked anything before in your life...

-Exactly.

-..it's going to have to be a dead heat.

-What?!

-I can't choose between...

-That cake is a joke!

-But he's never cooked anything before.

-I am a virgin baker!

-You try it.

-No, not even a little bit.

-Look, that little bit there.

-Try it.

-No.

-If you cooked it, you've got to try it.

Oh, it's absolutely gross!

Yeugh!

-Eww!

-I did warn you.

-Argh!

HE SPITS

APPLAUSE

Absolute disgrace. Absolute disgrace that that was a dead heat.

Um, so it's now time to bring out Lethal Bizzle.

Um, real name Maxwell Ansah. Bet you didn't know that!

What I bet even less of you knew is that Nick Hewer's street name

is Painful Tinkle.

LAUGHTER

-It's true.

-The old cystitis problem.

LAUGHTER

I don't know why you're bringing that up.

You know I went to school in Yorkshire, at Ampleforth.

There was a boy I went to school with called Bertie Bizzle.

LAUGHTER

Bertie, and his wife was called Lavinia. The Bizzles.

I wonder whether he's related to Bernie and Lavinia Bizzle?

Um, OK, let's bring him out. He is my brother from another mother.

Hustlers and hoes, please give a warm welcome to Lethal Bizzle.

APPLAUSE

-Bizzle! Yes!

-Yes!

DROWNED OUT BY APPLAUSE

How are you doing?

-How you doing, Dad?

-It's very good to see you.

-You too, man.

-You smell good.

-Thank you.

-What are you wearing?

Jack...

(Nothing to do with the Berkshire Bizzles...

(I don't think...)

LAUGHTER

Not related to Bertie. Um...

I want to talk about your music, Biz,

your FILTHY tunes...!

Um...ow, that hurt.

Um... Now, you do Grime,

that's your music.

That's the genre I'm from.

That's what birthed Lethal Bizzle.

If you were to say, "Who birthed me?"

-You would say, "Grime."

-Do you know what Grime is, Nick, Father?

-Yes.

-Garage Grime, isn't it?

-Yeah, yeah, you've got a clue.

I was thinking more of the grime we get in cos

we have coal fires in our house now.

And we get a lot of grime up in the chimney and you can't...

-I don't know if you've noticed this, but the chimney sweeps...

-Oh, my God!

..can't get up the chimneys any more.

They used to bring their little boys with them.

-What are you talking about?!

-But that's not allowed any more.

They used to shove them up the chimney

and they'd clear all the grime and come down again

and then off they'd go and you'd give them a couple of bob...

A couple of bob?! What world do you live in?!

But now the children do other things, so there's no point.

You can never get rid of the grime.

Seriously, people already think I am too posh

and disconnected from the real world.

You're painting our life like it's fucking Downton Abbey.

LAUGHTER

Rein it in, Father.

Mr Biz, um, could you explain to these two...?

So, you've got an idea. You said Garage Grime, sort of...

-No, no, he meant garage as in car garage, I think!

-Oh.

It's mainly MC-based, like rappers kind of like...a bit like poetry,

like street poetry,

like spitting, rapping over fast beats.

So, telling stories with rhymes over fast beats.

Mm-hm. Good.

Biz, maybe it would help if you showed my dad a bit of like...

-Cos you can spit lyrics like...

-Yeah, I got some...

I'll give you a famous one, but you got to give energy, so...

-Energy, man.

-Do you want me to beatbox for you?

HE BEATBOXES

That was awful! That was the worst ever! Why did I do that?

-Why did I think I could beatbox?

-So, it goes like this.

# Pow! Yeah, I'm Leth to the B!

# Pow! If you don't know about me!

# Pow! Yo! Pow!

# You know! Pow! #

APPLAUSE

Well...quite, um.

So, that's, um...

-That's just like an idea...

-Right.

..of what goes down at a Grime event.

-Loads of energy and you had the right face.

-Yeah.

-That's what it's really like.

-I was enjoying it.

I was sorry it stopped so quickly, really.

You definitely showed three of the major signs there

-of having a stroke!

-LAUGHTER

I thought we were going to have to get that Countdown nurse out!

It was like a sort of human defibrillator, you know,

those things you put on your chest to start your heart.

You could do that. You could get a job down at the hospital.

LAUGHTER

Now, Biz, you are so much more than just a rapper.

You are a modern day Samuel Johnson.

You've come up with your own word.

-Yeah.

-Dench!

-Dench!

-Um, what does dench mean?

Um, it meant a few things,

-but now I've narrowed it down to just being cool.

-Cool?

Just cool, so anything that's cool, I see a lot of dench people

in the crowd right now, that's the type of context you can use it as.

-Yes. Dench?

-Dench. I'm trying to get it in the dictionary.

We've got it in the Macmillan Dictionary.

But surely if it was in there, they would be thinking

of Dame Judi Dench, who I used to be involved with?

-No, it's totally different.

-Nothing to do with Dame Judi?

No, totally different.

Dame Judi Dench is dench as well, but, it's not, it's not...

So, dench is cool. What would be the opposite to the word dench?

Um...Amanda Holden, maybe.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Yeah, sounds good.

-Or maybe not, I don't know.

So, the dench word and it's taken off massively and you've got...

Yeah, it's done pretty well.

Um, you know, we've had numerous people say it.

Like Judi Dench actually. Um, we're turning it into

a clothing brand right now also, actually, and Judi Dench wore

some of the clothing brand like a baseball cap, a T-shirt...

And I was sending her some for Christmas

and she said her whole family

was wearing Dench T-shirts for Christmas last year.

You know Judi's started up a clothing company called Bizzle?

No way!

But I think you could get Nick kitted out in a bit of Dench Wear.

-Yes, man.

-Dench. I promise you, I will use dench on Countdown.

-Oh, my God.

-Thank you.

-You can look out for that.

-Which hand?

-Touch promise, right hand.

-That one?

-Yes.

-Not too hard?

No, no, just soft.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-You're going to say dench on Countdown?

-Definitely.

-Hold you to that.

-Oh, I cannot wait.

I'll say, "Oh, I say, Susie, Rachel...

"dench!"

-Is that good?

-That's perfect.

-APPLAUSE

-Perfect.

Now, Biz, you invented your word dench, but I wanted to play

a little game to test just how street you actually are.

Daddy, we have mentioned you have, for some time now,

wanted to be on Countdown in Dictionary Corner, well,

now is your chance, in front of the man who can make

your dream come true, to show just how good you would be.

In honour of Biz though, this game is going to have

a slightly urban twist, so instead you are going to be

in Urban Dictionary Corner.

LAUGHTER

The way this is going to work is that Nick will read out slang words.

Biz, you've got to try and define the word and then we will go over

to Michael in Urban Dictionary Corner for the correct definition.

So, ladies and gentlemen, let's play Lethal Quizzle.

Well, good evening and welcome to Urban Countdown, with me,

your host, Nick Hewer.

Our contestant this week is Mr Bizzle,

and in Urban Dictionary Corner,

as always, we have the wonderful Michael Whitehall.

-Thank you.

-Look how happy he is!

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much, thank you. Thank you.

He loves this.

Our first word is...

LAUGHTER

Mr Bizzle, what is badunkadunk?

Badunkadunk? I dunno, round?

Is it the alternative for taking a dump?

Well, hold on, let's go over to Urban Dictionary Corner

and find out. Michael?

Definition: Noun, "a large bottom on a female that looks good."

Wow.

Example: "Wa'gwan, homie,

"you see that honey in the club

"with her badunkadunk all up in my shizzle?"

LAUGHTER

"I'd tap that, cuz."

All right. Now then, our next word is:

What is a party hat?

-Party hat?

-Lethal?

-Is it maybe...

-..a thong on your head.

-I don't know, Michael, help us out here.

Definition: "Noun, erect or pointed nipples."

LAUGHTER

Wow.

Example: "Yes, bled, must be cold outside

"cos your mamma has her party hats on."

Your mother's got lovely party hats.

-Oh...

-She has.

-I'm not disputing... Well, no, I am disputing!

No, I've never seen my mother's party hats,

I don't want to think about my mother's party hats.

(Oh, my gosh.)

And our final word:

Oh, hood rat, yeah, I know that.

That's basically the urban way of a tramp, I think.

It's got a slightly more sexual connotation, this version,

but I mean, this could be wrong. I mean, what does Collin know?

"Noun, female, promiscuous or wanton, a no-good scrub of a woman."

Example: "Oh, my days, look at Shanika dancing with Julius.

"She ain't nothing but a hood rat. You feel me?

"Julius and I, we had something special.

"We spent a lovely week together in Portofino

"but it turns out all Julius wanted was one thing,

"to get his dirty hands on my sweet little badunkadunk."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Very good.

-Well, there we are.

That is all for this week, then, on Urban Countdown.

Until next time,

keep it real, bitches.

Ladies and gentlemen, that is all we have time for this week.

A massive thank you to my guests, Nick Hewer and Lethal Bizzle!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This has been Backchat, good night.

THE APPRENTICE MUSIC

You have all had a good show.

Nick, I particularly enjoyed some of your anecdotes towards the beginning

but worry that on some of the tasks you took a bit of a back seat.

Mr Biz, you remind me of a younger me,

even though you are older than me and a Grime rapper.

Father, you were very grumpy at the beginning of the evening

but you warmed up a little bit

and I did enjoy some of your interjections.

However, your reference to my mother's party hats

will haunt me for the rest of my life.

It is for this reason, that with regret, Father, you're fired.

Fuck off.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd