Episode 2 Backchat with Jack Whitehall and His Dad


Episode 2

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This programme contains some strong language

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Oh, I needed this face mask. My skin is so dry.

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That's the problem with being on camera so much,

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is that you can just see your pores.

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It's like they're screaming out to me, "Close me, Jack. Close me."

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I mean, what I really need is just to book in a spa day.

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You know, have a little bit of me time.

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Go in for the full body MOT. I'm talking manicure.

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I'm talking pedicure. I'm talking chemical peel.

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I mean, I've even been thinking about getting a Boyzilian.

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I've even been thinking of disinheriting you.

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I blame your mother. I just despair.

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I'd better have another bottle of this very inadequate wine.

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Thank you.

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(I don't know. I really don't.)

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It's called show business, Father.

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Piss off.

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LAUGHTER

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Good evening and welcome to Backchat,

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the show I host with my father.

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Now, for those of you that don't know my father,

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I apologise in advance for anything he might say this evening.

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His views are a little left-field. So...you have been warned.

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What do you mean, LEFT-field?

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LAUGHTER

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You're the leftie bit of this family. Yes, you are.

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OK, my father's views are very right-field.

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Extreme, far-right-field.

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He's basically the only man in the world that, were he to meet

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Prince Philip, Philip would be like, "Bloody hell, he's a bit un-PC."

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You're not going to make rude remarks about the royal family, are you?

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-It was a little joke.

-Just leave Prince Philip alone.

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-And the Queen. And Prince Charles.

-We pay for them, they're fair game.

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-No, you don't pay for them. They pay for themselves.

-We do!

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They pay for themselves a million times over.

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LAUGHTER

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So, on tonight's show we have some very exciting guests.

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Later on, we're going to be chatting to some of the stars of

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MTV's hit reality show Geordie Shore.

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APPLAUSE

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My father's particularly excited about that, aren't you?

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-Have you seen Geordie Shore?

-Never, ever heard of Geordie Shore.

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Have you been to Newcastle before?

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-No.

-What's the furthest north you've ever been?

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Worcester.

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Worcester's the furthest north you've ever been?

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-You went to school in Yorkshire.

-Yeah.

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That is further north than Worcester.

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But I never went in to Yorkshire, as it were. And...

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We used to go up from King's Cross Station to York in a private train.

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Whoa! You went to school on a private train from King's Cross?

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Did you have to run through a wall to get to the platform?

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We went up to York station. And then we got out...

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And then Hagrid put you in the boat.

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LAUGHTER

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And then we spent the term there. And then we came back at the end of term.

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To the Muggles.

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We've also got another guest coming on the show this evening.

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We've got some sporting royalty. We've got...

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Princess Anne!

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LAUGHTER

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You've got Princess Anne, haven't you? I know.

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She's not a sportswoman.

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She's the most brilliant horsewoman of her generation.

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Horsewoman?!

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-She is!

-She's an equestrian.

-Yes, well, it's the same thing.

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A horsewoman. I know she looks a bit like a horse, but...

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GASPS AND LAUGHTER

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-No, no.

-I thought you didn't want royal family jokes?!

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No, no. I didn't say that. I didn't say that. I'm sorry.

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So why am I not allowed...?

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Get your editing man to take that out.

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Get my editing man to take it out. That's how they take it out.

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-With that...

-I think you're back at Hogwarts again.

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LAUGHTER

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Expelliarmus!

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-No, we have Gary Lineker on the show.

-Ah.

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APPLAUSE

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-You know Gary Lineker.

-What, the crisp man?

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No, not the crisp man. The England legend.

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One of the greatest strikers this country has ever produced.

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Not the crisp man.

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He was the man who put that, you know...

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Smith's Crisps that my mother used to insist that we always ate.

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They had little blue things with the salt in them.

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This is meant to be...

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And then he started selling crisps for this other company.

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-Yeah, we...

-And put poor old Smith's out of business.

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We're not here to talk about Smith's Crisps!

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Right, enough about crisps. Let's meet the man himself.

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He's one of the greatest players this country has ever produced.

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Would you please give a warm welcome to crisp man, Gary Lineker.

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APPLAUSE

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-Gary, thank you very much for coming onto the show.

-Pleasure.

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Now, I'm going to start with football.

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My thing with Match Of The Day, when I watch it, is I always think

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around you, everything is kind of falling into disrepair.

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It's like a pensioner's garden.

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Shearer is getting balder every episode.

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Lawrenson, I don't know

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whether his collars are getting bigger or his head is shrinking.

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Some of the shirts he wears on that show...

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-They're quite spectacular, aren't they?

-He's your friend!

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Why don't you say, "You can't wear that"?

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-I do.

-You do?

-In fact, I had a sneaky look.

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He has a few shirts hanging up

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and they were quite clearly Lawro's shirts.

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And I thought, "Where does he get these shirts from?"

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And the tag in it...it was Roberto Mancini.

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LAUGHTER

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So I said to him, "Did you get your shirts from Roberto Mancini?"

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He said, "Yeah, and he doesn't charge me."

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And I thought, "No, I'm sure!" No-one would buy them, Lawro!

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-It's a practical joke.

-But it's apparently not the same bloke

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that used to manage Manchester City.

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-That would be a weird sideline.

-It's really bizarre.

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You're amazing on Match Of The Day. That is where we know you from now.

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But you're in the comfort of the studio,

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you were a great player, do you miss the buzz of playing?

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I think the one thing that's irreplaceable is

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the incredible feeling of scoring a goal.

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It's like an explosion of different emotions.

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Of joy and relief, of all sorts of different things.

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And the winning of a big game as well.

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That's something that you can't replace with anything else.

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-You started at Leicester City.

-Yeah.

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And we have a connection to Leicester City

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because my mother, Hilary Whitehall, massive Leicester City fan...

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-Good for her.

-..was obsessed with you as a young lady.

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-I mean, she...

-Is that why Michael's not speaking to me?

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I think that's why, as soon as you came on, there was

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a certain kind of frostiness. Not that he's ever warm or friendly.

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-I think it is...

-Oh, charming!

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I've got a lot of questions I'd like to ask Gary, but you're boring

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the pants off everyone with all this football stuff.

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I want to know more of the personal side.

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-This isn't a sports show.

-I know it's not a sports show

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but I thought it would relax Gary by talking about sport.

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I didn't want to just go in and say, "My mum loves you."

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Sorry. It's your show.

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You were, in the day, pretty hot shit.

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And the stats speak for themselves.

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I did my research - Wikipedia - so this could all be bullshit.

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-Probably.

-You started at Leicester. 103 goals in 216 appearances.

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You moved to Everton. Top scorer, player of the year.

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'86 World Cup, you get the Golden Boot. Transferred to Barcelona.

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Cheeky Copa Del Rey. European Cup Winners' Cup.

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This is how amazing Gary is, though.

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At the height of his career, everything's going amazingly,

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he turns his back on Barcelona to devote the rest of his career

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to charity work.

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He comes back to England and plays for a team called Spurs.

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LAUGHTER

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For those of you who don't know much about football,

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they are a few rungs above a pub team.

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Now, that - that was an amazing sacrifice to make

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-when it was all going so well.

-Hmm. I know.

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How did it feel to come back

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and play with all those disadvantaged people?

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Um, well, playing with Gazza WAS tough, yeah.

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One of my favourite facts,

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that I thought would appeal to certain members of this

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audience, is that you were born on the same day as Winston Churchill.

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-Different year.

-Different year!

-But, yeah, I share the same birthday.

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And therefore have the middle name of Winston.

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-Winston Lineker would have been so much better.

-I know.

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I often think it's a much better name than Gary, isn't it?

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-Yeah.

-1874...

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30th of November.

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You know Winston Churchill's birthday?

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I bet you don't even know my birthday.

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-Yes, I do.

-What's my birthday?

-LAUGHTER

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Um...

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What is it?

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-February.

-February?

-Yeah.

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-July the 7th.

-Yeah. Feb...July the 7th.

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What I was going to say about Winston,

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because I'm a huge Winston...fan...

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-Fan girl.

-That's not quite the right word.

-Groupie.

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You must have been the only white man to be called Winston since...

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AWKWARD LAUGHTER

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..since Winston, really.

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And the show comes off air.

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LAUGHTER

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Thank you very much. This has been the end of Backchat.

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It was a very short-lived series, but we enjoyed it while it lasted.

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Please send your complaints to Ofcom, I've been Jack Whitehall, good night.

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You watch Match Of The Day, quite a lot of alpha males.

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Quite a lot of silverbacks. It's got you, Hansen, Shearer.

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I do imagine there is that camaraderie with Match Of The Day.

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A bit like after you've had a hard record,

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you still keep it like you're the team. Communal shower.

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Bit of banter. You slapping Hansen's arse with a wet towel.

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I think that's only happened a couple of times.

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In amongst all of that, you seem to just look younger every series.

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You do, Gary! You look amazing! What's the secret?

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I'm not going to argue.

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I think you're like a fine wine, you've got better with age.

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-Aw, that's very kind of you.

-This is a photo of you as a young man.

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-From that, which is OK, but I don't think classically handsome.

-No.

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To this. Boom! Sun's out, guns out.

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LAUGHTER AND WHISTLES

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That is such a sexy couple.

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But if I may have a word with you, because you've got a very,

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very attractive younger wife, and I had the same.

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Well, I still do have the same.

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But where you've got this to look forward to

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is the benefit of having a younger wife when you're getting near my age.

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Because then you've got somebody to carry the heavy shopping.

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LAUGHTER

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The heavy suitcases on holiday.

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The car puncture. Out of the car, fixes the puncture.

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LAUGHTER

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And, dare I say, in the bedroom.

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OK, we don't, we don't....

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We don't want to hear about in the bedroom.

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With you and my mother.

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-In the bedroom, light bulb goes out...

-Thank God!

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-She's up the ladder, changes the light bulb...

-Phew!

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Thank you, I thought you were going somewhere different.

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And the sex is good too.

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Sorry.

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Gary, you have an amazing relationship with your kids.

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But some families are not so lucky.

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The relationship between a father and son can be fraught.

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Which is why on this series, I'm trying to find some new

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ways for me and my father to bond.

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This week, after years of him nagging,

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I finally decided to take him up on his offer of driving lessons.

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I think it's very, very important that you learn to drive, OK.

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-Yeah.

-I mean, you're 23, aren't you?

-I'm 25.

-Oh, yeah, you're 25.

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I mean, how many people do you know who are 25 and can't drive?

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-It's ridiculous.

-I have wanted to learn to drive for a while.

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But everyone that I've told about this has told me that

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getting your father to instruct you is one of the worst ideas ever.

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HORN BEEPS

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I thought this was meant to be you teaching me to drive?

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It'll all be fine.

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Hello, Jack. Nice to meet you. My name's Vanda.

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Oh, this is going to be a disaster.

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When I first saw her get out of the car, I already got the impression

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that she probably knew a great deal less about driving than I did.

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OK, Jack, have you ever driven a car before?

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Um...I've played a lot of Grand Theft Auto.

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What I'm going to do, I'm going to run through the controls with you.

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If you look down on the ground there, on the floor,

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we've got three pedals. OK?

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We'll begin by pushing that clutch down.

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And then just steer out to the left.

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Good, nicely done there. Straighten up to the right.

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Straighten up to the right.

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ENGINE STOPS

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What's happened there, Jack, we've stalled the car.

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And that does happen.

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What are you doing?!

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It was a mistake, I thought there was a dog coming out.

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Absolutely useless.

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This morning I was feeling very positive about it,

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but right from the outset,

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I found that my father's attitude was pretty lousy.

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I have to say, and I don't want this to sound conceited,

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but I think I was a huge benefit to both Jack and the driving instructor.

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I mean, God knows what would have happened there

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if I'd just let the two of them out on their own.

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Jack, the wipers are going. Do you want to turn them off.

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-No, can we just do it when we...?

-This is hopeless!

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-I'm doing very well.

-No, you're not.

-You're doing really well, Jack.

-See?

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-Concentrate. He's doing very well.

-That's very much a matter of opinion.

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Can you stop giving me such bad stuff!

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I don't think there's any point in you carrying on.

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We're on the wrong side of the road, Jack.

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You're not even looking at the road.

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I can't follow the road if you keep talking at me.

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You're on the wrong side of the road.

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-I can't concentrate with you...

-Van coming round the corner!

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There's a van coming now. This is getting completely out of control.

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There's obviously one major problem with this whole set-up.

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I don't see how this is going to help.

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Of course it can help. We're driving much better now.

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Right, you're going to do an immediate left here.

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No, not in here.

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This is somebody's driveway.

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You said left, so I turned left.

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Yes, I meant turn left into a street. Not into the Wilsons' drive.

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-I don't...

-Can you back out?

-OK. What do I do?

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I don't know. Just do the reverse thing.

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What my father can't seem to comprehend is that

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shouting at me doesn't make it any easier.

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I blame him entirely for what happened on that road

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where there was the pile-up.

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Stay left.

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Quick. Now stop. You've got to stop. That's it.

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HORN BEEPS

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-Now first gear.

-Oh, shit.

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-Clutch down, first gear.

-HORNS BEEP

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-First gear!

-Yeah, I know.

-It's where it says one!

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It's so obvious!

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Oh, God!

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This is an absolute nightmare.

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Yeah, but we got there in the end. And that's the important thing.

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The problem, Jack, with you, is that you just don't concentrate.

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That's because I had to have you in the passenger seat.

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I don't know whether you want to drive or not, really.

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Careful! Stop! Stop! BRAKES SCREECH

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Stop, for God's sake!

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MICHAEL SIGHS

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LAUGHTER

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Yeah.

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Of course, I also would like to say a massive thank you to my wonderful

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and very brave driving instructor, Vanda, who is here this evening.

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-APPLAUSE

-Sorry, Vanda.

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We did our best, Vanda, but it was a bridge too far.

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Our next guests are from Newcastle.

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Their show has been described by one newspaper as a...

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"gaudy kaleidoscope of six-packs, shots, fights,

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"simulated fellatio and exposed breasts".

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Ladies and gentlemen, it's Mary Berry and Paul Hollywood.

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No, it's a joke.

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It's not. It's not.

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Good one.

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Uh, no. Of course, it's Holly, Scott and Marnie from Geordie Shore.

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APPLAUSE

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-Nice to see you.

-Thank you.

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Hi. How are you?

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INDISTINCT CHAT

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-Hello.

-Hello.

0:16:530:16:55

Thank you so much for coming onto the show.

0:16:560:16:58

I absolutely love Geordie Shore. I am totally addicted.

0:16:580:17:01

Thank you so much for making the show, because without it,

0:17:010:17:04

I wouldn't know how to go on in life.

0:17:040:17:06

I have to point out to fans of the show who are watching,

0:17:060:17:09

you'll notice we don't have the whole cast here this evening.

0:17:090:17:12

We're very lucky to have you guys here.

0:17:120:17:14

It's quite complicated politics with this show.

0:17:140:17:16

Gary won't come on with Charlotte cos she has history with Gary.

0:17:160:17:20

Ricci wouldn't come on with Charlotte and Gary,

0:17:200:17:22

but only if she was on with Vicky.

0:17:220:17:24

Charlotte wouldn't come on with Ricci, but not if he was with Gary.

0:17:240:17:27

And Vicky didn't want to come on with anyone.

0:17:270:17:29

Why can't you guys all just get along?

0:17:290:17:31

-I do. I get on with everyone fine.

-You get on with everyone fine?

0:17:310:17:34

Only cos he sits on the fence all the time

0:17:340:17:36

-and won't get involved in arguments.

-Really?

-Yeah, he's a proper fencer.

0:17:360:17:39

-A fencer?

-What's a fencer?

0:17:390:17:41

A fencer? What, you mean...?

0:17:410:17:44

We used to do fencing at Ampleforth.

0:17:440:17:48

LAUGHTER

0:17:480:17:49

Can I ask as well a delicate question?

0:17:490:17:51

I do watch the show and just to refresh my memory,

0:17:510:17:55

of those sat on the sofa this evening, who has courted who?

0:17:550:18:01

Gary, you're not necessarily involved.

0:18:010:18:03

I'm not the Gary that you mentioned in any of those,

0:18:050:18:08

I think you should make that clear.

0:18:080:18:10

That is not... Yeah, Gary hasn't had any history with Charlotte.

0:18:100:18:14

-And was very happy to come on with Vicky.

-I'm sure she's very nice.

0:18:140:18:17

I'm sure she's very nice. Have you seen Geordie Shore?

0:18:170:18:20

I think I saw about five minutes once.

0:18:200:18:23

Did you like it?

0:18:230:18:24

I...I....

0:18:240:18:26

LAUGHTER

0:18:260:18:27

It's brilliant.

0:18:320:18:34

He hasn't seen the show.

0:18:340:18:35

How would you describe it to a Geordie Shore virgin?

0:18:350:18:38

Which is, I think, an oxymoron.

0:18:380:18:40

Basically, a bunch of boys and girls living in a house, getting drunk

0:18:400:18:45

and having sex with each other.

0:18:450:18:48

It sounds a less posh version of your flat.

0:18:480:18:52

LAUGHTER

0:18:520:18:55

No, but I watch this show a lot, and I've watched it from the beginning.

0:18:550:18:58

I was so honoured when a tweet I'd done

0:18:580:19:00

was used in the promotional stuff for one of the series.

0:19:000:19:03

I described it as being like...

0:19:030:19:05

I said...

0:19:050:19:06

LAUGHTER

0:19:080:19:10

That's a good show, Downton Abbey.

0:19:100:19:12

I've seen that.

0:19:120:19:14

We've got a little clip from the show that we're going to show you.

0:19:140:19:17

-Just to show you how similar it is to Downton Abbey.

-Yes, OK.

0:19:170:19:20

Scott didn't pull last night.

0:19:230:19:24

So tonight, he's definitely in with a chance.

0:19:240:19:27

So I'm shaving my fairy for Scott. It's had no attention for ages.

0:19:320:19:35

And my mam said always be prepared.

0:19:350:19:37

So Marnie is dry-shaving her fairy in the room, right next to me.

0:19:480:19:51

And, like, I don't think I can really deal with this right now.

0:19:510:19:54

MARNIE SIGHS

0:19:550:19:58

APPLAUSE

0:20:000:20:02

Are you OK?

0:20:060:20:07

Father, what did you make of that?

0:20:070:20:10

I didn't understand the bit about shaving a fairy.

0:20:100:20:14

Is there a gay man in there somewhere?

0:20:140:20:17

-Oh, my God!

-There's gay baiting going on there.

0:20:190:20:22

It's the other meaning of...

0:20:220:20:23

Fairy Liquid, the... LAUGHTER

0:20:230:20:26

That your mother uses for the washing-up.

0:20:260:20:29

Let's not get into my mother's fairy, please.

0:20:290:20:31

Let's move on.

0:20:310:20:33

I love watching that. It's pretty outrageous.

0:20:330:20:35

I mean, do your parents watch it?

0:20:350:20:37

-Yeah, I watch it with my mum.

-My mum loves it.

0:20:370:20:39

-You watch that with your mum?!

-I watch it with my mum.

0:20:390:20:42

My mum's really laid-back.

0:20:420:20:43

Things like this just don't bother her at all.

0:20:430:20:45

But, Holly, from watching the show,

0:20:450:20:47

you do have the reputation for being the most outrageous.

0:20:470:20:51

Do you think? I don't think I'm that bad.

0:20:510:20:54

What do you think is the most outrageous thing you've done on the show?

0:20:540:20:57

-Is there any moment where you've gone...?

-HE GROANS

0:20:570:20:59

Yeah, probably. Now I don't think anything's that bad

0:20:590:21:02

because we've kind of all done everything

0:21:020:21:04

we could've possibly done to embarrass ourselves.

0:21:040:21:07

But probably the first time I was in the hot-tub and I flashed my boobs.

0:21:070:21:12

Now I wouldn't be that bothered, but when it first came out,

0:21:120:21:15

like, no-one had really done that on telly.

0:21:150:21:18

And it was the front page of every single newspaper.

0:21:180:21:20

My dad didn't really know what I was going into,

0:21:200:21:23

and he looked at the paper and there's me with my boobs out.

0:21:230:21:26

Scott, I want to pick you up on something you said in an interview.

0:21:260:21:30

You said, "If Gary has a degree in banging birds..."

0:21:300:21:33

I'll point out again, not Gary Lineker.

0:21:330:21:35

Appreciate that.

0:21:350:21:36

"If Gary has a degree in banging birds then I've got a PhD in it."

0:21:360:21:41

Where is this uni? Cos I would so love to do this course.

0:21:420:21:45

I can't believe that you're making gags about university.

0:21:460:21:50

-When I think how you disappointed me.

-Oh, Father!

0:21:500:21:53

We spent a huge amount of money on his education.

0:21:530:21:56

We don't want to hear about me.

0:21:560:21:58

He went to a very good school.

0:21:580:22:00

And then he went to Manchester University.

0:22:000:22:03

I didn't want to get a degree.

0:22:030:22:04

Wasted all that time at university, you came back with nothing.

0:22:040:22:07

Well, apart from the clap.

0:22:070:22:09

LAUGHTER

0:22:090:22:11

And his sister...

0:22:110:22:13

APPLAUSE

0:22:130:22:16

And his sister, Molly...

0:22:160:22:18

Why have you got my sister's Bachelor of Arts on the show?

0:22:180:22:21

Because she went on, she stayed at Manchester,

0:22:210:22:25

and she got a Bachelor of Arts degree in philosophy.

0:22:250:22:29

This show is not about Molly.

0:22:290:22:31

We don't want to go there about Molly not having a boyfriend, do we?

0:22:310:22:35

-Get her at Geordie Shore.

-That's what crossed my mind.

0:22:350:22:39

LAUGHTER

0:22:390:22:42

You're literally pimping your daughter off to

0:22:420:22:44

one of Geordie Shore.

0:22:440:22:46

She won't be... This boy seems really charming.

0:22:460:22:48

I am actually quite charming.

0:22:500:22:51

Well, I mean, if you would be interested,

0:22:510:22:54

I have actually jotted down a couple of questions here.

0:22:540:22:57

If you would be interested in at least going out with Molly.

0:22:570:23:01

There's a picture of Molly, incidentally.

0:23:020:23:05

Why the fuck have the lights gone down?

0:23:050:23:07

There's a photograph of Molly in her...

0:23:080:23:11

-She's pretty!

-She's pretty, isn't she?

0:23:110:23:13

-I actually quite like her.

-What are you doing?!

0:23:130:23:16

These are for Scott.

0:23:160:23:17

Obviously they're for Scott. This is weird!

0:23:170:23:20

Molly is looking for a steady boyfriend.

0:23:200:23:23

So this would be a good opportunity to try and put the two together.

0:23:230:23:27

What are your projected earnings for the year ending 2015?

0:23:290:23:36

That's the end of next year. Roughly.

0:23:360:23:39

I think it would be a reasonable amount.

0:23:390:23:41

A reasonable amount. Right. OK.

0:23:410:23:44

-Wh-Wh-What?!

-A tick.

-A tick?

0:23:440:23:47

What is the extent of your property and investment portfolio?

0:23:470:23:51

Say again, sorry?

0:23:510:23:53

-What is the extent...

-Have you got a house?

0:23:530:23:55

..of your property and investment portfolio?

0:23:550:23:58

Gary, could you be the interpreter?

0:23:580:24:00

-Have I got a house? Yes.

-Yes?

0:24:010:24:05

I'm assuming that you're a virgin.

0:24:050:24:07

LAUGHTER

0:24:070:24:10

Not quite.

0:24:100:24:12

You can't be "quite". You're either a virgin or you're not a virgin.

0:24:120:24:15

You can't be "quite" a virgin.

0:24:150:24:18

What's "quite" a virgin?

0:24:190:24:22

There's just some things I haven't tried.

0:24:220:24:24

LAUGHTER

0:24:240:24:26

APPLAUSE

0:24:270:24:29

Has he passed the test? Will he be allowed to take Molly on a date?

0:24:300:24:34

What about just a date, but nothing more than that?

0:24:340:24:38

And I'd be on the date, rather like that driving lesson.

0:24:380:24:41

I'd be sitting in the back.

0:24:410:24:43

-Do you think Scott would be a good boyfriend for a young girl?

-No.

0:24:440:24:49

I think he could show her a good time. But not boyfriend material.

0:24:490:24:52

Not boyfriend material.

0:24:520:24:55

Not even a good time!

0:24:550:24:57

GASPS AND LAUGHTER

0:24:570:24:59

Wait a minute!

0:25:010:25:03

So he wasn't as fun as he makes out he is?

0:25:030:25:06

-I mean, I can't really remember.

-Yes, you can!

0:25:060:25:09

The whole house can remember.

0:25:090:25:11

The whole house? What, including Gaz and Ricci and...?

0:25:110:25:14

No, they just overheard.

0:25:140:25:15

Holly makes a lot of noise.

0:25:150:25:18

They superimposed that part in.

0:25:200:25:22

Oh, really?

0:25:220:25:23

What, do you have to put on the sex noises afterwards sometimes?

0:25:230:25:27

They do kind of come naturally, I suppose.

0:25:270:25:30

Now, Gary, you've sat here

0:25:310:25:34

and probably think all this kind of behaviour is very unseemly.

0:25:340:25:38

I'm just thinking that I've cultivated a decent image for

0:25:380:25:41

the last 30 years and it's just been completely destroyed in one show.

0:25:410:25:45

Some of the behaviour on Geordie Shore is all very uncouth.

0:25:450:25:50

And some would say, at times, maybe a little bit vulgar.

0:25:500:25:54

And you, as a national treasure, would obviously never do

0:25:540:25:57

-anything vulgar in front of millions of people.

-Hmmm.

0:25:570:26:01

You know exactly where I'm going. Your face as soon as I started

0:26:010:26:05

trying to drive the conversation in this direction,

0:26:050:26:08

you didn't look particularly happy.

0:26:080:26:10

But I have to talk about it because it fascinates me.

0:26:100:26:12

-Italia '90.

-Yes.

0:26:120:26:14

The opening game of the group stages, England are playing Ireland.

0:26:140:26:18

-I...

-19 minutes into the game, talk us through what happens.

0:26:180:26:21

National treasure Gary Lineker, who has a reputation as good as gold.

0:26:210:26:25

I wasn't very well.

0:26:250:26:27

I hadn't been very well the night before.

0:26:270:26:31

The game started and after a little while

0:26:310:26:34

I was starting to get a few stomach pains.

0:26:340:26:36

Then in the second half,

0:26:360:26:37

I came out, started cramping again after 15, 20 minutes.

0:26:370:26:41

The ball goes down the Republic of Ireland's left-hand side.

0:26:410:26:45

I came over, tried to tackle the fullback,

0:26:450:26:48

which in itself is ridiculous.

0:26:480:26:50

But as I did, I slid along the grass and I inadvertently relaxed.

0:26:500:26:55

LAUGHTER

0:26:550:26:57

And it was a messy scene.

0:26:570:27:00

Even in Geordie Shore, you'd describe this as a messy scene.

0:27:000:27:04

You didn't...?

0:27:040:27:05

-I... Yes.

-That's amazing.

0:27:050:27:07

You shat yourself during a game?

0:27:070:27:09

I did, Jack, yes.

0:27:090:27:11

APPLAUSE

0:27:110:27:13

Just a little World Cup game with cameras everywhere.

0:27:160:27:19

What did you do once you realised what had happened?

0:27:190:27:22

I was slightly fortunate in one aspect,

0:27:220:27:25

in the sense that it had rained quite a lot just before the game.

0:27:250:27:27

So the grass was quite wet.

0:27:270:27:29

So I had to sort of shuffle it...out.

0:27:290:27:33

You had to escort it out of your shorts.

0:27:330:27:35

But you know when a dog sort of...?

0:27:350:27:38

It's quite visible what I was doing.

0:27:410:27:43

And there's one bit where Gary Stevens comes up and says,

0:27:430:27:46

"Are you OK?"

0:27:460:27:47

I just... You can...

0:27:470:27:49

"I've shit myself."

0:27:490:27:50

But what do you do when you're not well?!

0:27:520:27:54

Dreadful.

0:27:570:27:58

World Cup '86 - Golden Boot. World Cup '90 - brown shorts.

0:27:580:28:02

I mean, Gary, I don't begrudge you. We've all been there.

0:28:030:28:07

Provence, 1996, my brother Barnaby.

0:28:070:28:11

Again, he'd eaten something that disagreed with him.

0:28:110:28:14

He was jumping into the pool

0:28:140:28:16

and slightly over-extended on a star jump.

0:28:160:28:19

We had to evacuate the entire villa.

0:28:190:28:21

LAUGHTER

0:28:210:28:23

That was not Barney's turd. It was yours.

0:28:230:28:26

LAUGHTER

0:28:260:28:29

And you know it.

0:28:300:28:31

Thank you very much to all of our guests this evening.

0:28:310:28:34

The wonderful Gary Lineker, Holly, Marnie and Scott from Geordie Shore.

0:28:340:28:39

And, of course, my wonderful father.

0:28:390:28:42

See you next week with my guests Nick Hewer and Lethal Bizzle.

0:28:420:28:46

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0:28:520:28:55

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