Episode 2 Backchat with Jack Whitehall and His Dad

This programme contains some strong language

Oh, I needed this face mask. My skin is so dry.

That's the problem with being on camera so much,

is that you can just see your pores.

It's like they're screaming out to me, "Close me, Jack. Close me."

I mean, what I really need is just to book in a spa day.

You know, have a little bit of me time.

Go in for the full body MOT. I'm talking manicure.

I'm talking pedicure. I'm talking chemical peel.

I mean, I've even been thinking about getting a Boyzilian.

I've even been thinking of disinheriting you.

I blame your mother. I just despair.

I'd better have another bottle of this very inadequate wine.

Thank you.

(I don't know. I really don't.)

It's called show business, Father.

Piss off.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening and welcome to Backchat,

the show I host with my father.

Now, for those of you that don't know my father,

I apologise in advance for anything he might say this evening.

His views are a little left-field. So...you have been warned.

What do you mean, LEFT-field?

LAUGHTER

You're the leftie bit of this family. Yes, you are.

OK, my father's views are very right-field.

Extreme, far-right-field.

He's basically the only man in the world that, were he to meet

Prince Philip, Philip would be like, "Bloody hell, he's a bit un-PC."

You're not going to make rude remarks about the royal family, are you?

-It was a little joke.

-Just leave Prince Philip alone.

-And the Queen. And Prince Charles.

-We pay for them, they're fair game.

-No, you don't pay for them. They pay for themselves.

-We do!

They pay for themselves a million times over.

LAUGHTER

So, on tonight's show we have some very exciting guests.

Later on, we're going to be chatting to some of the stars of

MTV's hit reality show Geordie Shore.

APPLAUSE

My father's particularly excited about that, aren't you?

-Have you seen Geordie Shore?

-Never, ever heard of Geordie Shore.

Have you been to Newcastle before?

-No.

-What's the furthest north you've ever been?

Worcester.

Worcester's the furthest north you've ever been?

-You went to school in Yorkshire.

-Yeah.

That is further north than Worcester.

But I never went in to Yorkshire, as it were. And...

We used to go up from King's Cross Station to York in a private train.

Whoa! You went to school on a private train from King's Cross?

Did you have to run through a wall to get to the platform?

We went up to York station. And then we got out...

And then Hagrid put you in the boat.

LAUGHTER

And then we spent the term there. And then we came back at the end of term.

To the Muggles.

We've also got another guest coming on the show this evening.

We've got some sporting royalty. We've got...

Princess Anne!

LAUGHTER

You've got Princess Anne, haven't you? I know.

She's not a sportswoman.

She's the most brilliant horsewoman of her generation.

Horsewoman?!

-She is!

-She's an equestrian.

-Yes, well, it's the same thing.

A horsewoman. I know she looks a bit like a horse, but...

GASPS AND LAUGHTER

-No, no.

-I thought you didn't want royal family jokes?!

No, no. I didn't say that. I didn't say that. I'm sorry.

So why am I not allowed...?

Get your editing man to take that out.

Get my editing man to take it out. That's how they take it out.

-With that...

-I think you're back at Hogwarts again.

LAUGHTER

Expelliarmus!

-No, we have Gary Lineker on the show.

-Ah.

APPLAUSE

-You know Gary Lineker.

-What, the crisp man?

No, not the crisp man. The England legend.

One of the greatest strikers this country has ever produced.

Not the crisp man.

He was the man who put that, you know...

Smith's Crisps that my mother used to insist that we always ate.

They had little blue things with the salt in them.

This is meant to be...

And then he started selling crisps for this other company.

-Yeah, we...

-And put poor old Smith's out of business.

We're not here to talk about Smith's Crisps!

Right, enough about crisps. Let's meet the man himself.

He's one of the greatest players this country has ever produced.

Would you please give a warm welcome to crisp man, Gary Lineker.

APPLAUSE

-Gary, thank you very much for coming onto the show.

-Pleasure.

Now, I'm going to start with football.

My thing with Match Of The Day, when I watch it, is I always think

around you, everything is kind of falling into disrepair.

It's like a pensioner's garden.

Shearer is getting balder every episode.

Lawrenson, I don't know

whether his collars are getting bigger or his head is shrinking.

Some of the shirts he wears on that show...

-They're quite spectacular, aren't they?

-He's your friend!

Why don't you say, "You can't wear that"?

-I do.

-You do?

-In fact, I had a sneaky look.

He has a few shirts hanging up

and they were quite clearly Lawro's shirts.

And I thought, "Where does he get these shirts from?"

And the tag in it...it was Roberto Mancini.

LAUGHTER

So I said to him, "Did you get your shirts from Roberto Mancini?"

He said, "Yeah, and he doesn't charge me."

And I thought, "No, I'm sure!" No-one would buy them, Lawro!

-It's a practical joke.

-But it's apparently not the same bloke

that used to manage Manchester City.

-That would be a weird sideline.

-It's really bizarre.

You're amazing on Match Of The Day. That is where we know you from now.

But you're in the comfort of the studio,

you were a great player, do you miss the buzz of playing?

I think the one thing that's irreplaceable is

the incredible feeling of scoring a goal.

It's like an explosion of different emotions.

Of joy and relief, of all sorts of different things.

And the winning of a big game as well.

That's something that you can't replace with anything else.

-You started at Leicester City.

-Yeah.

And we have a connection to Leicester City

because my mother, Hilary Whitehall, massive Leicester City fan...

-Good for her.

-..was obsessed with you as a young lady.

-I mean, she...

-Is that why Michael's not speaking to me?

I think that's why, as soon as you came on, there was

a certain kind of frostiness. Not that he's ever warm or friendly.

-I think it is...

-Oh, charming!

I've got a lot of questions I'd like to ask Gary, but you're boring

the pants off everyone with all this football stuff.

I want to know more of the personal side.

-This isn't a sports show.

-I know it's not a sports show

but I thought it would relax Gary by talking about sport.

I didn't want to just go in and say, "My mum loves you."

Sorry. It's your show.

You were, in the day, pretty hot shit.

And the stats speak for themselves.

I did my research - Wikipedia - so this could all be bullshit.

-Probably.

-You started at Leicester. 103 goals in 216 appearances.

You moved to Everton. Top scorer, player of the year.

'86 World Cup, you get the Golden Boot. Transferred to Barcelona.

Cheeky Copa Del Rey. European Cup Winners' Cup.

This is how amazing Gary is, though.

At the height of his career, everything's going amazingly,

he turns his back on Barcelona to devote the rest of his career

to charity work.

He comes back to England and plays for a team called Spurs.

LAUGHTER

For those of you who don't know much about football,

they are a few rungs above a pub team.

Now, that - that was an amazing sacrifice to make

-when it was all going so well.

-Hmm. I know.

How did it feel to come back

and play with all those disadvantaged people?

Um, well, playing with Gazza WAS tough, yeah.

One of my favourite facts,

that I thought would appeal to certain members of this

audience, is that you were born on the same day as Winston Churchill.

-Different year.

-Different year!

-But, yeah, I share the same birthday.

And therefore have the middle name of Winston.

-Winston Lineker would have been so much better.

-I know.

I often think it's a much better name than Gary, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-1874...

30th of November.

You know Winston Churchill's birthday?

I bet you don't even know my birthday.

-Yes, I do.

-What's my birthday?

-LAUGHTER

Um...

What is it?

-February.

-February?

-Yeah.

-July the 7th.

-Yeah. Feb...July the 7th.

What I was going to say about Winston,

because I'm a huge Winston...fan...

-Fan girl.

-That's not quite the right word.

-Groupie.

You must have been the only white man to be called Winston since...

AWKWARD LAUGHTER

..since Winston, really.

And the show comes off air.

LAUGHTER

Thank you very much. This has been the end of Backchat.

It was a very short-lived series, but we enjoyed it while it lasted.

Please send your complaints to Ofcom, I've been Jack Whitehall, good night.

You watch Match Of The Day, quite a lot of alpha males.

Quite a lot of silverbacks. It's got you, Hansen, Shearer.

I do imagine there is that camaraderie with Match Of The Day.

A bit like after you've had a hard record,

you still keep it like you're the team. Communal shower.

Bit of banter. You slapping Hansen's arse with a wet towel.

I think that's only happened a couple of times.

In amongst all of that, you seem to just look younger every series.

You do, Gary! You look amazing! What's the secret?

I'm not going to argue.

I think you're like a fine wine, you've got better with age.

-Aw, that's very kind of you.

-This is a photo of you as a young man.

-From that, which is OK, but I don't think classically handsome.

-No.

To this. Boom! Sun's out, guns out.

LAUGHTER AND WHISTLES

That is such a sexy couple.

But if I may have a word with you, because you've got a very,

very attractive younger wife, and I had the same.

Well, I still do have the same.

But where you've got this to look forward to

is the benefit of having a younger wife when you're getting near my age.

Because then you've got somebody to carry the heavy shopping.

LAUGHTER

The heavy suitcases on holiday.

The car puncture. Out of the car, fixes the puncture.

LAUGHTER

And, dare I say, in the bedroom.

OK, we don't, we don't....

We don't want to hear about in the bedroom.

With you and my mother.

-In the bedroom, light bulb goes out...

-Thank God!

-She's up the ladder, changes the light bulb...

-Phew!

Thank you, I thought you were going somewhere different.

And the sex is good too.

Sorry.

Gary, you have an amazing relationship with your kids.

But some families are not so lucky.

The relationship between a father and son can be fraught.

Which is why on this series, I'm trying to find some new

ways for me and my father to bond.

This week, after years of him nagging,

I finally decided to take him up on his offer of driving lessons.

I think it's very, very important that you learn to drive, OK.

-Yeah.

-I mean, you're 23, aren't you?

-I'm 25.

-Oh, yeah, you're 25.

I mean, how many people do you know who are 25 and can't drive?

-It's ridiculous.

-I have wanted to learn to drive for a while.

But everyone that I've told about this has told me that

getting your father to instruct you is one of the worst ideas ever.

HORN BEEPS

I thought this was meant to be you teaching me to drive?

It'll all be fine.

Hello, Jack. Nice to meet you. My name's Vanda.

Oh, this is going to be a disaster.

When I first saw her get out of the car, I already got the impression

that she probably knew a great deal less about driving than I did.

OK, Jack, have you ever driven a car before?

Um...I've played a lot of Grand Theft Auto.

What I'm going to do, I'm going to run through the controls with you.

If you look down on the ground there, on the floor,

we've got three pedals. OK?

We'll begin by pushing that clutch down.

And then just steer out to the left.

Good, nicely done there. Straighten up to the right.

Straighten up to the right.

ENGINE STOPS

What's happened there, Jack, we've stalled the car.

And that does happen.

What are you doing?!

It was a mistake, I thought there was a dog coming out.

Absolutely useless.

This morning I was feeling very positive about it,

but right from the outset,

I found that my father's attitude was pretty lousy.

I have to say, and I don't want this to sound conceited,

but I think I was a huge benefit to both Jack and the driving instructor.

I mean, God knows what would have happened there

if I'd just let the two of them out on their own.

Jack, the wipers are going. Do you want to turn them off.

-No, can we just do it when we...?

-This is hopeless!

-I'm doing very well.

-No, you're not.

-You're doing really well, Jack.

-See?

-Concentrate. He's doing very well.

-That's very much a matter of opinion.

Can you stop giving me such bad stuff!

I don't think there's any point in you carrying on.

We're on the wrong side of the road, Jack.

You're not even looking at the road.

I can't follow the road if you keep talking at me.

You're on the wrong side of the road.

-I can't concentrate with you...

-Van coming round the corner!

There's a van coming now. This is getting completely out of control.

There's obviously one major problem with this whole set-up.

I don't see how this is going to help.

Of course it can help. We're driving much better now.

Right, you're going to do an immediate left here.

No, not in here.

This is somebody's driveway.

You said left, so I turned left.

Yes, I meant turn left into a street. Not into the Wilsons' drive.

-I don't...

-Can you back out?

-OK. What do I do?

I don't know. Just do the reverse thing.

What my father can't seem to comprehend is that

shouting at me doesn't make it any easier.

I blame him entirely for what happened on that road

where there was the pile-up.

Stay left.

Quick. Now stop. You've got to stop. That's it.

HORN BEEPS

-Now first gear.

-Oh, shit.

-Clutch down, first gear.

-HORNS BEEP

-First gear!

-Yeah, I know.

-It's where it says one!

It's so obvious!

Oh, God!

This is an absolute nightmare.

Yeah, but we got there in the end. And that's the important thing.

The problem, Jack, with you, is that you just don't concentrate.

That's because I had to have you in the passenger seat.

I don't know whether you want to drive or not, really.

Careful! Stop! Stop! BRAKES SCREECH

Stop, for God's sake!

MICHAEL SIGHS

LAUGHTER

Yeah.

Of course, I also would like to say a massive thank you to my wonderful

and very brave driving instructor, Vanda, who is here this evening.

-APPLAUSE

-Sorry, Vanda.

We did our best, Vanda, but it was a bridge too far.

Our next guests are from Newcastle.

Their show has been described by one newspaper as a...

"gaudy kaleidoscope of six-packs, shots, fights,

"simulated fellatio and exposed breasts".

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Mary Berry and Paul Hollywood.

No, it's a joke.

It's not. It's not.

Good one.

Uh, no. Of course, it's Holly, Scott and Marnie from Geordie Shore.

APPLAUSE

-Nice to see you.

-Thank you.

Hi. How are you?

INDISTINCT CHAT

-Hello.

-Hello.

Thank you so much for coming onto the show.

I absolutely love Geordie Shore. I am totally addicted.

Thank you so much for making the show, because without it,

I wouldn't know how to go on in life.

I have to point out to fans of the show who are watching,

you'll notice we don't have the whole cast here this evening.

We're very lucky to have you guys here.

It's quite complicated politics with this show.

Gary won't come on with Charlotte cos she has history with Gary.

Ricci wouldn't come on with Charlotte and Gary,

but only if she was on with Vicky.

Charlotte wouldn't come on with Ricci, but not if he was with Gary.

And Vicky didn't want to come on with anyone.

Why can't you guys all just get along?

-I do. I get on with everyone fine.

-You get on with everyone fine?

Only cos he sits on the fence all the time

-and won't get involved in arguments.

-Really?

-Yeah, he's a proper fencer.

-A fencer?

-What's a fencer?

A fencer? What, you mean...?

We used to do fencing at Ampleforth.

LAUGHTER

Can I ask as well a delicate question?

I do watch the show and just to refresh my memory,

of those sat on the sofa this evening, who has courted who?

Gary, you're not necessarily involved.

I'm not the Gary that you mentioned in any of those,

I think you should make that clear.

That is not... Yeah, Gary hasn't had any history with Charlotte.

-And was very happy to come on with Vicky.

-I'm sure she's very nice.

I'm sure she's very nice. Have you seen Geordie Shore?

I think I saw about five minutes once.

Did you like it?

I...I....

LAUGHTER

It's brilliant.

He hasn't seen the show.

How would you describe it to a Geordie Shore virgin?

Which is, I think, an oxymoron.

Basically, a bunch of boys and girls living in a house, getting drunk

and having sex with each other.

It sounds a less posh version of your flat.

LAUGHTER

No, but I watch this show a lot, and I've watched it from the beginning.

I was so honoured when a tweet I'd done

was used in the promotional stuff for one of the series.

I described it as being like...

I said...

LAUGHTER

That's a good show, Downton Abbey.

I've seen that.

We've got a little clip from the show that we're going to show you.

-Just to show you how similar it is to Downton Abbey.

-Yes, OK.

Scott didn't pull last night.

So tonight, he's definitely in with a chance.

So I'm shaving my fairy for Scott. It's had no attention for ages.

And my mam said always be prepared.

So Marnie is dry-shaving her fairy in the room, right next to me.

And, like, I don't think I can really deal with this right now.

MARNIE SIGHS

APPLAUSE

Are you OK?

Father, what did you make of that?

I didn't understand the bit about shaving a fairy.

Is there a gay man in there somewhere?

-Oh, my God!

-There's gay baiting going on there.

It's the other meaning of...

Fairy Liquid, the... LAUGHTER

That your mother uses for the washing-up.

Let's not get into my mother's fairy, please.

Let's move on.

I love watching that. It's pretty outrageous.

I mean, do your parents watch it?

-Yeah, I watch it with my mum.

-My mum loves it.

-You watch that with your mum?!

-I watch it with my mum.

My mum's really laid-back.

Things like this just don't bother her at all.

But, Holly, from watching the show,

you do have the reputation for being the most outrageous.

Do you think? I don't think I'm that bad.

What do you think is the most outrageous thing you've done on the show?

-Is there any moment where you've gone...?

-HE GROANS

Yeah, probably. Now I don't think anything's that bad

because we've kind of all done everything

we could've possibly done to embarrass ourselves.

But probably the first time I was in the hot-tub and I flashed my boobs.

Now I wouldn't be that bothered, but when it first came out,

like, no-one had really done that on telly.

And it was the front page of every single newspaper.

My dad didn't really know what I was going into,

and he looked at the paper and there's me with my boobs out.

Scott, I want to pick you up on something you said in an interview.

You said, "If Gary has a degree in banging birds..."

I'll point out again, not Gary Lineker.

Appreciate that.

"If Gary has a degree in banging birds then I've got a PhD in it."

Where is this uni? Cos I would so love to do this course.

I can't believe that you're making gags about university.

-When I think how you disappointed me.

-Oh, Father!

We spent a huge amount of money on his education.

We don't want to hear about me.

He went to a very good school.

And then he went to Manchester University.

I didn't want to get a degree.

Wasted all that time at university, you came back with nothing.

Well, apart from the clap.

LAUGHTER

And his sister...

APPLAUSE

And his sister, Molly...

Why have you got my sister's Bachelor of Arts on the show?

Because she went on, she stayed at Manchester,

and she got a Bachelor of Arts degree in philosophy.

This show is not about Molly.

We don't want to go there about Molly not having a boyfriend, do we?

-Get her at Geordie Shore.

-That's what crossed my mind.

LAUGHTER

You're literally pimping your daughter off to

one of Geordie Shore.

She won't be... This boy seems really charming.

I am actually quite charming.

Well, I mean, if you would be interested,

I have actually jotted down a couple of questions here.

If you would be interested in at least going out with Molly.

There's a picture of Molly, incidentally.

Why the fuck have the lights gone down?

There's a photograph of Molly in her...

-She's pretty!

-She's pretty, isn't she?

-I actually quite like her.

-What are you doing?!

These are for Scott.

Obviously they're for Scott. This is weird!

Molly is looking for a steady boyfriend.

So this would be a good opportunity to try and put the two together.

What are your projected earnings for the year ending 2015?

That's the end of next year. Roughly.

I think it would be a reasonable amount.

A reasonable amount. Right. OK.

-Wh-Wh-What?!

-A tick.

-A tick?

What is the extent of your property and investment portfolio?

Say again, sorry?

-What is the extent...

-Have you got a house?

..of your property and investment portfolio?

Gary, could you be the interpreter?

-Have I got a house? Yes.

-Yes?

I'm assuming that you're a virgin.

LAUGHTER

Not quite.

You can't be "quite". You're either a virgin or you're not a virgin.

You can't be "quite" a virgin.

What's "quite" a virgin?

There's just some things I haven't tried.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Has he passed the test? Will he be allowed to take Molly on a date?

What about just a date, but nothing more than that?

And I'd be on the date, rather like that driving lesson.

I'd be sitting in the back.

-Do you think Scott would be a good boyfriend for a young girl?

-No.

I think he could show her a good time. But not boyfriend material.

Not boyfriend material.

Not even a good time!

GASPS AND LAUGHTER

Wait a minute!

So he wasn't as fun as he makes out he is?

-I mean, I can't really remember.

-Yes, you can!

The whole house can remember.

The whole house? What, including Gaz and Ricci and...?

No, they just overheard.

Holly makes a lot of noise.

They superimposed that part in.

Oh, really?

What, do you have to put on the sex noises afterwards sometimes?

They do kind of come naturally, I suppose.

Now, Gary, you've sat here

and probably think all this kind of behaviour is very unseemly.

I'm just thinking that I've cultivated a decent image for

the last 30 years and it's just been completely destroyed in one show.

Some of the behaviour on Geordie Shore is all very uncouth.

And some would say, at times, maybe a little bit vulgar.

And you, as a national treasure, would obviously never do

-anything vulgar in front of millions of people.

-Hmmm.

You know exactly where I'm going. Your face as soon as I started

trying to drive the conversation in this direction,

you didn't look particularly happy.

But I have to talk about it because it fascinates me.

-Italia '90.

-Yes.

The opening game of the group stages, England are playing Ireland.

-I...

-19 minutes into the game, talk us through what happens.

National treasure Gary Lineker, who has a reputation as good as gold.

I wasn't very well.

I hadn't been very well the night before.

The game started and after a little while

I was starting to get a few stomach pains.

Then in the second half,

I came out, started cramping again after 15, 20 minutes.

The ball goes down the Republic of Ireland's left-hand side.

I came over, tried to tackle the fullback,

which in itself is ridiculous.

But as I did, I slid along the grass and I inadvertently relaxed.

LAUGHTER

And it was a messy scene.

Even in Geordie Shore, you'd describe this as a messy scene.

You didn't...?

-I... Yes.

-That's amazing.

You shat yourself during a game?

I did, Jack, yes.

APPLAUSE

Just a little World Cup game with cameras everywhere.

What did you do once you realised what had happened?

I was slightly fortunate in one aspect,

in the sense that it had rained quite a lot just before the game.

So the grass was quite wet.

So I had to sort of shuffle it...out.

You had to escort it out of your shorts.

But you know when a dog sort of...?

It's quite visible what I was doing.

And there's one bit where Gary Stevens comes up and says,

"Are you OK?"

I just... You can...

"I've shit myself."

But what do you do when you're not well?!

Dreadful.

World Cup '86 - Golden Boot. World Cup '90 - brown shorts.

I mean, Gary, I don't begrudge you. We've all been there.

Provence, 1996, my brother Barnaby.

Again, he'd eaten something that disagreed with him.

He was jumping into the pool

and slightly over-extended on a star jump.

We had to evacuate the entire villa.

LAUGHTER

That was not Barney's turd. It was yours.

LAUGHTER

And you know it.

Thank you very much to all of our guests this evening.

The wonderful Gary Lineker, Holly, Marnie and Scott from Geordie Shore.

And, of course, my wonderful father.

See you next week with my guests Nick Hewer and Lethal Bizzle.

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