Episode 1 Backchat with Jack Whitehall and His Dad

This programme contains some strong language

-Daddy?

-Yeah?

-Basically, BBC Three want you to look a little bit less

like Penfold from Danger Mouse.

You know the way we've got Danny Dyer on the show later?

-Well, whoever he is.

-Yeah, OK.

Basically, I thought you could dress a little bit more geezer-y

so that he feels at home.

So how do you feel about wearing that?

There is no way that I'm going to wear a tracksuit.

-I'd look like that awful disc jockey man.

-No, don't go there.

-What about these trainers?

-No.

No way I'm going to meet Jeremy Paxman

looking like a drug dealer.

All right, OK, hear me out. We could try something a lot more discreet.

But honestly, I think you'd look really good with an earring.

Just a little...

What about a nipple?

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Good evening and welcome to Backchat,

a brand-new chat show for BBC Three.

On tonight's show, finally,

after years of people wanting to see them team up,

Jeremy Paxman and Danny Dyer are going to be together at last

on that very sofa.

WHOOPING

Before the show, Danny was actually teaching me

a little bit of Cockney rhyming slang.

Phrases such as "Shut up, you lanky prick!"

I still haven't worked out what it's slang for,

but I'm certain it's lovely.

We're also going to be talking to Jeremy Paxman.

My favourite thing about Jeremy Paxman

is the theatre of his interviews. We've all seen it, right?

He's grilling some politician and he lets them waffle on

until their pants are filled to the brim with bullshit.

He reaches into his jacket pocket

and he withdraws his weapon of choice -

the spectacles.

And when he takes those out,

what he's saying to that politician is, "Up until now,

"your face is so offensive to me, I can't even look at you in focus.

"But I've got a quote written down here,

"a quote of yours from seven years ago.

"You probably don't even remember saying it,

"but Jeremy does.

"So be a good boy, pull down your trousers and pants,

"and bend over that barrel for me

"and prepare to take this like a man."

But this is the masterstroke, right.

He doesn't just put the glasses on and leave them there.

No, we get the trademark Paxman flourish,

the swoosh of the matador's cape.

Just before making the execution, he whips them back off again.

This is how it plays.

He's like, "Minister, you're here supporting

"the closure of 15 hospitals..."

GUN COCKS

"..but in 2006, you said that under no circumstances

"would you support cuts to the NHS."

CANNON BOOMS

"What's changed?"

Before we chat to our guests,

I need to, of course, bring out my co-host, my 75-year-old,

gout-ridden father, Michael.

I feel duty-bound to warn you about him.

The modern world kind of baffles him.

I'm talking about the kind of man here who,

when I took him to a KFC restaurant for the first time two years ago,

asked to see the wine list.

So, you have been warned. Anyway, let's bring him out.

You know the way people say,

"He's not just my dad, he's also my best friend"?

Well, please welcome my dad, Michael Whitehall.

LAST OF THE SUMMER WINE THEME PLAYS

CHEERING

Sorry about the steps, by the way.

The BBC Three budget couldn't stretch to a stairlift.

-Very funny.

-Spent it all on your chair.

I'm not 75.

-What are you talking...?

-I don't have gout.

If I had gout, I wouldn't wear elegant shoes like this.

I'm 73, OK?

-Can I get on with the show?

-73.

Yes, 73.

-Can we just have a word about restaurants too?

-Why are you reading?

Because I've been making notes behind there...

-Making notes?!

-..while you've been talking.

No, I need to.. Please, I need to bring out our...

-our guests...

-"The KFC restaurants", you said, right?

You just can't comprehend that a fast food restaurant,

that is a restaurant.

You're the man that, when you went to McDonald's with me

and you ordered a Big Mac,

you asked the woman behind the till to have it cooked medium-rare.

And that is true, he did. You did do that.

-I did not.

-Yes, you did!

-I did not.

-You did!

-No.

I asked for it rare.

And it didn't come back rare.

-Anyway...

-Why don't you do the intro to Jeremy Paxman?

Why do you keep pointing over there?

Because there's an autocue over there

and you can read it off and it can be the start of the show.

-Where it says, "Backchat"?

-No, that's...

Oh, that thing over there?

-There.

-You don't seriously think that I would start reading from that?

I can't even see it!

Oh... Can you...?

Oh, can we move it in closer so he can read it?

Just say when you can read it.

No, keep going.

Are you literally joking?

Right, stop.

There.

Perfect.

-"Michael."

-No.

-"Our fir..."

-No.

Michael, that's... Michael is your name.

-That's just to let you know that that's your bit of...

-OK!

-Just read the bit after, "Michael".

-Right.

Our first guest tonight is a man who needs no introduction.

But I'll give him one anyway.

He's the...

It's going far too fast. He's the bearded man...

-Sorry!

-Ridiculous!

Could you spool it a little bit slower so he can read?

Cos he can't keep up, cos you're going too fast. Sorry.

Nobody could do it that quickly. Why didn't you get somebody...?

-I mean, your mother?

-My mother...

Hilary... Hilary could have done that properly.

No, she couldn't, because my mother

is not a professional autocue operator.

She could have done it. You know your mother. She's got very strong wrists.

-She would have been very...

-Oh, my God.

She would have been very good at operating that autocue.

I don't want to hear about my mother's wrists. Seriously.

Just read it and let's bring him out.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome

-Sir Jeremy Paxman.

-He's not a sir!

-To me, he will always be Sir Jeremy Paxman.

-Please welcome Jeremy Paxman!

CHEERING

So, this is the problem son you've told me about so many times.

Jeremy, please be nice to me. I'm very nervous.

This is my first ever interview and you're my interviewee

and I'm really worried so, please, would you be gentle with me?

-Of course!

-You were quite harsh with Russell Brand.

I wasn't harsh with...!

-Jeremy, already!

-Did you see it?

-Yeah, I did. You called...

-Why did you say it was harsh?

Cos you called him trivial.

Well, that was after he suggested

I knitted my beard into my armpit hair!

Will you not call me trivial this evening, please?

Well, it depends what you say.

You can earn the title of not being called trivial.

Question number one...

LAUGHTER

..who's your favourite member of One Direction?

The most ludicrous question to ask Jeremy!

-I know it's a silly question.

-Can you ask proper questions now?

Were you surprised at how much interest people had in that clip?

Was I surprised? No, I wasn't.

The interesting thing about that Russell Brand business is

he is right about something.

He's definitely put his finger on

the fact that there are vast numbers of people

who are really turned off by the way that politics operates

in this country and that's right.

I think his prescription is wrong.

-Yep.

-But I think he's absolutely right in anatomising something

that is really going on in society.

People are disenchanted.

One of the things you seemed to get a little bit irked by

was that Russell Brand was saying that he didn't vote.

Yet in an interview with the Radio Times...

GUN COCKS

..you said, "In one recent election, I decided not to vote

"because I thought the choice was so unappetising."

CANNON BOOMS

What's changed?

Why don't you do the rest of the quote?

Well, that's the only bit that I had from the quote.

Isn't that what you're meant to do?

I'll tell you what I think. I think if you can't be bothered to vote,

you absolutely disqualify yourself

from passing any comment at all

on what's happening in society at large,

in the government, in the statements of politicians.

It's a very minimal effort to go down to a polling station...

Sorry to interrupt you, but you wasted your vote last time.

-I didn't waste my vote, you voted for me!

-You voted Green!

That is a waste of a vote.

He tried to steal my postal vote and force me to vote Tory

and I refused to let you do that.

You said to me, "Do you mind doing it for me and I'll vote Conservative..."

I did not!

..and then you changed your mind afterwards and said,

"Oh, no, I'm Lib Dem or Greens," and all that.

Rubbish.

Because you like, to your fanbase,

to appear to be sort of slightly socialisty, kind of Greeny...

Socialisty, Greeny. What the hell are you talking about?

-..whereas you're a good, old-fashioned Tory.

-I'm not!

Stop outing me as a Tory!

Sorry I interrupted your conversation.

I want to ask you about University Challenge.

-I would love to be on University Challenge.

-Why?

You were in university for, what, two terms?

Then you dropped out.

He got a very good place at Manchester University, Jeremy,

reading history of art.

Two terms later, he's out touring pubs round the north of England,

telling jokes about his penis.

And that's what he's done ever since.

You've got some really stupid answers on University Challenge.

This is one of my favourites.

Another starter question - the nicknames "cheesemongers",

"cherrypickers", "Bob's own", "the Emperor's chambermaids"

and "the Immortals" are or have been used for which groups of men?

-UMIST, Bright.

-Homosexuals?

No...

Anyone to buzz?

-Balliol, Clark.

-Composers?

No, they're regiments in the British Army.

I actually belong to that heretical minority that rather likes students.

-Yeah.

-And I like the fact that they give the lie they know amazing things.

But they cast students in a very positive light.

I mean, the vast majority of students...

You speak as someone who didn't even manage to complete a course.

It is literally like having two of my dads here.

Now, your list of gripes challenges even my father's.

Your list of gripes includes Strictly Come Dancing...

It's not a gripe. I just wouldn't do it.

That doesn't mean I don't like it. It's a fantastically produced show.

Big Brother?

Social media.

I don't have a gripe about...

Where are you getting all this tripe from?

It's all from your Wikipedia page.

Probably written by you.

-Or someone even less educated.

-Jeremy!

-AUDIENCE OOHS

-Stop being so mean!

-Very good. No, no...

-You were right.

-I couldn't agree more.

-M&S underpants, you did have a gripe with those.

-I did.

I was putting my underpants on

in the gym one day

and I observed they had a hole in them.

I then remarked to the other blokes in the changing room,

"Have any of you noticed Marks & Sparks pants having holes in them?"

Several of them had.

What I hadn't reckoned on, of course,

was I think the pants were probably rather old.

Do you...?

There should be, clearly, a sell-by or use-by date on your pants,

shouldn't there? Then you'd know how old they were.

The problem I have is with the elastic.

-Because I'm very...

-Lithe?

No, I was going to say...

I shouldn't use this in front of you,

but I'm quite well hung.

What the fu...!

I need...

I need very strong elasticity, is it called?

In an underpant.

Once it starts loosening up, all hell is basically let loose.

Of course, Jack has inherited some very good things from me

-and that is one that we can...

-Stop now.

We can stop now. We've done enough of that.

You're actually being very trivial, so we're going to move on.

-Jeremy, your book, which you have written about the Great War.

-Yes.

People have written about the Great War before.

What makes your book different?

Now, come on. That was a fucking good question.

What makes...?

Well, I mean,

we come from a generation that's accustomed to...

all of us in this room,

is accustomed to pleasing ourselves,

and I think it's really hard to understand how it was

that so many people were seduced into this war in 1914, 1915,

and they kept faith with it right through to 1918,

and what I wanted to try to understand was why.

What was the first-person experience of this war?

-Well, my father, you've very much enjoyed the book.

-Hugely.

Brought back a lot of memories for you as an eyewitness...

..of the Great War.

It's a really good book and I enjoyed it enormously.

-You're very kind.

-As we're talking about books,

-Jack and I have written a book...

-You can't plug our book.

You can't plug our book. We're on the BBC, you can't plug the book.

I'm not plugging it, I'm just introducing it to the audience

and to Jeremy, cos I have a copy here for him.

The book's called Him And Me.

Half the chapters are written by Jack

and the other half are written by me.

Now, I know that Jeremy is not going to be interested

in reading stuff that Jack has written,

so what I've done is I've filleted all my chapters...

-Filleted?

-..out of the book and had them specially bound for you...

You're such a dick.

..in a book which I've called Me...

..and which I'd like you to have with my compliments.

I'd be absolutely thrilled. Thank you very much.

As people get older, they take different steps to ease

the impact of the passage of time on their looks.

Some people grow a beard.

Others, like my father, need something a little more drastic.

I took him to investigate one of those options.

I booked an appointment with one of London's top plastic surgeons.

Here's how it went down.

What's the name of our general practitioner?

I don't know. You're the one who's brought me here.

I don't know what we're doing here.

I'm very upset that Jack thinks

that I need to have anything done to my face.

I think my face, for a more mature man, is almost perfection.

"Do you drink alcohol?" Of course. That's a bloody stupid question.

Yeah, but if you drink and you do prescription drugs,

you'll end up like Kerry Katona on This Morning.

Do you want that?

I don't know who she is.

Are you going to be honest with this drink one?

-Well, I put one unit a day.

-One unit a day?

-Yeah.

A unit is not a bottle of red wine.

-Why should I tell the man how much I drink?

-Cos he's your doctor.

-He's not going to go around telling everyone.

-He's not my doctor.

I've never met the man.

I'll put three.

JACK SNORTS

Have I ever had a facial herpes infection?

This is getting really personal.

Have you?

Well, there was that time in Greece...

Oh, God, I don't want to hear it, actually.

'He didn't seem to be taking the medical questionnaire seriously

'and was definitely answering some of the questions incorrectly.'

Gentleman, thank you very much for coming along. How can I help you?

Basically, my father's looking a bit old in the face area,

so I thought we could maybe talk about getting a kind of MOT

done on that.

When you said MOT, could you specify a bit more?

Well, I don't know, I was just thinking his face at rest

looks like he's just smelled a bad fart.

-All the time.

-Ridiculous.

'It's Jack that I'm worried about. When you think he's only just 25.

'When he gets to my age, God knows what he's going to look like.'

Patrick, tell it to me straight -

is this what I've got to look forward to?

That depends very much on how you lead your lifestyle.

-The ageing process is very complex.

-Oh...

What I'd like to do is just illustrate some of the areas

that I think that we can improve upon.

So, let's start with the eyelids.

'Patrick was doing all of his pen shit on my dad and then I notice

'there was one part of his face that he'd carelessly overlooked.'

Can I just suggest as well, if you don't mind, Daddy,

if you took out some of the skin here and just thinned that area,

and then pulled it in a bit there...

..you might get a more youthful mouth area.

Yeah, I think that's probably not a good idea.

It's not really a conventional approach and I don't think

it's going to contribute to Michael's overall rejuvenation.

-Look.

-No, I don't think so.

I think we've probably done enough of this now, to be honest.

So, Patrick, can you work out some sort of price for this?

-I'll get that information and then I'll get back to you.

-OK, thank you.

Thanks.

OK, gents,

you'd be looking at something like this for all of it included.

Oh, thanks, Jack.

Oh, shit.

Total waste of time. Complete con artist.

Taxi!

Um, maybe don't put your arm up like that.

Now it's time for my next guest.

The greatest actor of his generation.

His performances are so delicate, they come with a sign saying,

"Handle with care".

His range is so broad that when it travels on a plane,

it requires two tickets

and his delivery is so poetic

that it has won a Noble Prize for Literature.

Please welcome acting deus

Dame Danny Dyer.

CHEERING

Are you sure about this? I mean, this is very, very surreal.

Have your paths ever crossed before?

-No.

-No, this is a rare opportunity.

-Don't lie.

I've seen him down Stringfellows once.

Out of his nut, he was. Out of his nut.

Danny, a very busy man,

so we very much appreciate you coming on the show.

I'm very excited to have the two hardest men on television

on the same sofa tonight.

And then my dad, who's not hard,

but then a lot of men his age suffer from that kind of a problem.

Now, we're going to talk about your film.

-You've got a new film out, Vendetta.

-Vendetta.

Like many of your films, it is a Regency comedy.

-Yes, yes.

-It's not, is it? It's like a revenge flick.

It's a vigilante movie, it's like a remake of Death Wish.

It sort of raises the question of

if you had your parents horrifically murdered,

taken away from you, someone you love and cherish,

-and you were a highly trained killer, SAS, me...

-Yep.

..and they get away with it,

would you take the law into your own hands?

Because I know I fucking would. I don't know about you, Paxman.

I think of little else.

I think if people took my father away...

-We have a clip of Vendetta.

-Whack it on.

That's how you tee up a clip - "whack it on".

You know Jimmy Vickers, don't you?

Yeah.

You know what they did to his mum and dad?

Jimmy, you know, when they told me what happened,

I couldn't believe it.

There's nothing to stop them doing it again.

There's me.

He'll finish these guys and then...

..he'll vanish.

He's SAS.

It's a problem you do not want on your streets.

Let me go, man, please!

If you want to take a stand, you've got to be tall.

Taller than you've ever been.

WHOOPING

MICHAEL MURMURS PRAISE

There's some quite violent interrogation scenes in the film.

Talk us through some of the stuff that you...

My job in the SAS is that I'm an interrogator,

so that's my speciality, so I come up with the most creative deaths.

I get them back one by one. There's five of these hoodies.

They all get it differently.

I think my favourite one is probably the cement down the throat.

-That's a good 'un.

-Oh!

No, listen, he's a wrong 'un, this kid. Don't feel for him.

I sort of capture them, I tie them up.

They sort of come round tied to a chair

and I have a little speech to them to explain to them who I am

-and why they're there.

-Yep.

Very calm, very nice. And then I do something horrific to them.

And at one point, someone makes a glib remark about your beard

and you call them trivial.

There's everything there that you do.

And your daughter's in the film.

Yeah, she's in it. She wants to be an actor. It's a tough job.

It's a lot of rejection and heartbreak and, you know,

she's a teenage girl, so she's...

She doesn't take it too well if she doesn't get the part,

as none of us do.

For every one part I get, I lose out on 20 and it hurts,

but you've got to be more determined.

-Are you a protective father to your...?

-Yes, course I am.

Who isn't?

If she...

If she brings back a boyfriend, what are you like with the boyfriend?

I'd be quite scared to meet Danny Dyer.

Listen, I'm sweet with him.

As long as a tear never drops from her fucking eye,

we're going to be good friends.

So, you just say that to him, and it's just...

-I could do it in a look.

-Say I came home and I was...

OK, so you walked in, I'd just be like that,

you get blanked straight away.

I'm blanking you. I'm looking at the telly and I just go...

-Oh, dear God, that is quite...

-And then pipe away again.

-So it's like a little pipe.

-It's a little pipe.

-A pipe.

-Which is a look.

-Yeah.

-And then look away, then have another look.

-Right?

-Yeah.

-And then say fuck-all to him, do you know what I mean?

-So he knows.

-And he knows in that moment, if a tear...

And then maybe he'll go to take his coat off and I'd give him

another little look and go, "Don't take your coat off!"

-Don't take your coat off?

-"Don't take your coat off.

"Who the fuck do you think you are, taking your coat off in my house?!"

-Is your house very cold?

-Freezing.

If you'd misbehaved, Jack, and you came home,

which of these two fathers would you be most scared of?

Well, that's the thing, I think Jeremy would be more

psychological torment and you'd break me down gradually.

And he'd just break you.

-It'd just be a simple...

-There'd be no dialogue from me.

-Just be a quick nutting.

-Yeah, just a quick nut.

I like that, he's getting into it now, see.

In fact, you work very well as a kind of good cop, bad cop,

in a household.

Who's the good cop?

OK, bad cop, naughty cop.

You've had it really easy with me.

I mean, have I ever nutted you?

I wouldn't even know what it was or what it meant.

You don't know what..? You must know what nutting is.

Well, when I was a boy, it was something quite different.

Don't!

Now, I'm going to talk to you about EastEnders.

Everyone who's a fan of EastEnders is very excited

-that you are joining the show.

-Yeah.

So talk me through it,

you get a call on the dog and bone from your agent.

-On the old dog. On the old dog.

-Could you Adam and Eve it?

Did you run straight up the apples and pears

to tell your trouble and strife

or was it down the rub-a-dub-dub to have a few pig's ears

-with your china plates, that's mates.

-Well done.

-Eloquently delivered, that was.

-Fluent in Cockney.

-Beautiful.

Yeah, it was a moment for me.

I think I was inevitably going to go there.

-I think it was inevitable, really.

-Jeremy, are you a fan of EastEnders?

-Do you watch the show?

-I have seen it.

I can't count myself as a regular viewer, no.

-More Emmerdale.

-People seem so aggressive in it, don't they?

Poor Danny's clearly going to lighten it up.

The Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh

were once made to go around the set of EastEnders

and Prince Philip is said to have remarked to the producer, he said,

"I don't really understand EastEnders.

"Your Cockney's a cheery chappy, isn't he?"

He didn't get it at all.

-What, he felt they were too aggressive on the show?

-Yes.

-I'm honoured. It's an honour, to be fair...

-Oh, I'm not...

I'm coming in and.... Good.

I'm coming in and...

What are you going to do about it?

Are we going to have a tear-up? Me and Paxman?

That's telly, innit?

Yeah, that would be telly, if you two had a full-on fight

and Paxman nutted you on your pipe.

And then the old man sticks the boot in, you know what I mean?

Now, Danny...

Danny, you say you're very excited to be in EastEnders...

GUN COCKS

..yet in an interview in 2009, you said you would only join the show

when you're fat, bald and 50.

CANNON BOOMS

I don't even remember saying that, though.

I don't remember saying that. I've said so many stupid things.

Are there any storyline exclusives you can give us

about EastEnders, cos I'm sure the fans tuning in will be excited.

You know that I do like to speak my mind and be honest,

but my hands are tied.

I just can't really tell you.

You will be surprised, though, at my character. It's not obvious.

All right, I'm a Cockney and all that,

but I'm not what you think I'm going to be.

Jeremy, he seems to be evading the question.

How would you suggest that I get the information out of Mr Dyer?

It's probably not even been written yet, has it?

I mean, your character's been sketched out,

-but are all the storylines there?

-You shoot 12 episodes at a time.

-You're three months in advance.

-Oh, really?

So you've already filmed some of it?

Is he trying to get the thing out of me now? Is this a move?

No. You've already filmed some of it?

Yeah, I've been doing it for a month, yeah.

-And we'll be surprised?

-Yes.

-What aspect will surprise us?

-Will you watch it, though?

I'm not fucking stupid. I know what he's doing.

I'm all over this. I'm all over it.

I'll leave you two to exchange details.

-I'm sure you'll be meeting up after the show.

-Yeah, we'll swap digits.

-Swap digits.

-Digits?

-No, no, no, numbers.

-Numbers.

Thought things were looking up there for a moment.

A big round of applause to both of my wonderful guests this evening.

CHEERING

This has been Backchat.

Join me next week, with my guests Gary Lineker

and the cast of Geordie Shore.

Good night.

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