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This programme contains some strong language. | 0:00:02 | 0:00:06 | |
Every year I'd explain to Miss Pickwell | 0:00:29 | 0:00:31 | |
that the Nativity is about Jesus being born, | 0:00:31 | 0:00:34 | |
not him being beaten, whipped and crucified in real time. | 0:00:34 | 0:00:37 | |
Yeah, she also went a little bit heavy with the Jew-bashing. | 0:00:37 | 0:00:41 | |
Pro Green was a shoe-in to replace her, but she's, er.... | 0:00:41 | 0:00:43 | |
On honeymoon with my dad, yes, I know. | 0:00:43 | 0:00:45 | |
I'm trying not to think about it. | 0:00:45 | 0:00:47 | |
My point is, there'll be no Xmas play unless you step up to the plate. | 0:00:47 | 0:00:51 | |
OK, Fraser, I'll tell you why I'm not going to do the play. | 0:00:51 | 0:00:53 | |
I was like everyone else... | 0:00:53 | 0:00:55 | |
when I was growing up, Nativities were the highlight of my Christmas. | 0:00:55 | 0:00:59 | |
And then, one year, I got the best part I'd ever got. | 0:00:59 | 0:01:03 | |
Joseph? | 0:01:03 | 0:01:04 | |
Mole 2. | 0:01:04 | 0:01:05 | |
-Were there moles in the manger? -Er, yes. | 0:01:05 | 0:01:09 | |
My mum promised that she'd come and watch me... | 0:01:09 | 0:01:11 | |
And I went out on stage, do you know what I saw? | 0:01:11 | 0:01:14 | |
-Nothing? Moles are blind. -No... | 0:01:14 | 0:01:17 | |
My mum's empty chair. | 0:01:20 | 0:01:22 | |
And that poor little mole just wanted to burrow down into the ground and disappear. | 0:01:22 | 0:01:26 | |
But look, you don't have to do a Nativity! | 0:01:30 | 0:01:32 | |
It's time for a non-denominational show. | 0:01:32 | 0:01:34 | |
Give a shout out to "all de religion"! | 0:01:34 | 0:01:36 | |
Hey, but don't forget mine. | 0:01:36 | 0:01:38 | |
I'm a Belieber! | 0:01:38 | 0:01:40 | |
Yeah, well I'm a Bl-atheist. | 0:01:41 | 0:01:44 | |
Actually, technically, I think I'd be Bl-agnostic. | 0:01:44 | 0:01:47 | |
I mean, I'd slag him off | 0:01:47 | 0:01:48 | |
but if he walked in the door now, I'd be all over him like a rash. | 0:01:48 | 0:01:51 | |
Woo-hoo! Banter Claus just pulled a big one from his gag sack. | 0:01:51 | 0:01:54 | |
-Kill me. -Hey, you've got to get Stephen involved! | 0:01:54 | 0:01:57 | |
That guy knows how to put on a show. | 0:01:57 | 0:01:59 | |
Remember his one-man Precious? | 0:01:59 | 0:02:01 | |
# Take a look at me now... # | 0:02:01 | 0:02:05 | |
Superb! | 0:02:06 | 0:02:07 | |
Fiddler on the Heath? | 0:02:07 | 0:02:09 | |
# Cos I gotta have faith | 0:02:09 | 0:02:11 | |
# I gotta have faith... # | 0:02:11 | 0:02:13 | |
Barnstorming. | 0:02:14 | 0:02:15 | |
And that biopic of Cheryl Cole... | 0:02:15 | 0:02:17 | |
# If it's worth having | 0:02:17 | 0:02:19 | |
# It's sure enough worth dying for... # | 0:02:19 | 0:02:23 | |
Libellous. | 0:02:24 | 0:02:25 | |
Anyhoo, question, remember how you sent your end-of-term reports via text? | 0:02:25 | 0:02:30 | |
Yeah, one of my best ideas ever. | 0:02:30 | 0:02:32 | |
Yeah, well, the school governors don't seem to think so. | 0:02:32 | 0:02:34 | |
Dicks! | 0:02:34 | 0:02:35 | |
They're quite keen for me to fire you. | 0:02:35 | 0:02:37 | |
But you put on this play, | 0:02:37 | 0:02:39 | |
and I'll save your heiney | 0:02:39 | 0:02:40 | |
by throwing this ass in front of the governors' spanking hands. | 0:02:40 | 0:02:44 | |
All right. I'll do your shitty little play. | 0:02:44 | 0:02:47 | |
But, just so you know, I hate Christmas shows. | 0:02:47 | 0:02:50 | |
We have done some perfectly good stuff earlier in the year, | 0:02:50 | 0:02:52 | |
and now we have to ruin it by cobbling together some under-thought through festive bollocks | 0:02:52 | 0:02:57 | |
with a load of shit Christmas music. | 0:02:57 | 0:02:59 | |
# I don't want a lot for Christmas | 0:03:01 | 0:03:03 | |
# This is all I'm asking for | 0:03:03 | 0:03:06 | |
# I just wanna see my baby | 0:03:06 | 0:03:10 | |
# Standing right outside my door | 0:03:10 | 0:03:13 | |
# I just want you for my own | 0:03:13 | 0:03:16 | |
# More than you could ever know | 0:03:16 | 0:03:19 | |
# Make my wish come true | 0:03:19 | 0:03:22 | |
# All I want for Christmas is you. # | 0:03:22 | 0:03:26 | |
Who got me a ticket to West Ham? | 0:03:26 | 0:03:28 | |
I'm Millwall till I die. | 0:03:28 | 0:03:30 | |
OK, so six of you have voted for The Nutcracker and five of you have voted for Robocop. | 0:03:30 | 0:03:37 | |
So we're doing the Nutcracker? | 0:03:37 | 0:03:38 | |
Oh, someone's changed their tune on democracy. | 0:03:38 | 0:03:41 | |
But you're forgetting, Jing, I also get a vote. | 0:03:41 | 0:03:44 | |
So what are we going to do? | 0:03:47 | 0:03:49 | |
Got it. | 0:03:50 | 0:03:51 | |
That's our play. | 0:03:58 | 0:04:00 | |
Robocracker? | 0:04:00 | 0:04:01 | |
-Does that exist? -Not yet, my friend. Not yet. | 0:04:01 | 0:04:05 | |
Oh, God, we've read your scripts before. | 0:04:05 | 0:04:08 | |
-What do you mean, "Oh, God"? -You don't really do subtlety, do you? | 0:04:08 | 0:04:11 | |
Er, subtlety can lick my balls and then eat a plate of my ass for dessert. | 0:04:11 | 0:04:14 | |
I'll just go on Wikipedia, bosh out a plot mash-up. | 0:04:14 | 0:04:16 | |
-That's not going to work. -Er, yes, it will. | 0:04:16 | 0:04:18 | |
What's the best film of the last 20 years? | 0:04:18 | 0:04:20 | |
-Saw 4. -Saw 5. | 0:04:20 | 0:04:22 | |
-Hunger Games. -Meet the Fockers. -Lolita. | 0:04:22 | 0:04:23 | |
Hmm, Rush Hour's a good shout, Jing, | 0:04:25 | 0:04:28 | |
but the correct answer is Alien Vs Predator. | 0:04:28 | 0:04:32 | |
A plot mash-up. | 0:04:32 | 0:04:33 | |
Mate, if my dad finds out I've been on stage, he'll cut me out the will. | 0:04:33 | 0:04:37 | |
So you won't have to inherit his shitty tracksuits? | 0:04:37 | 0:04:39 | |
That makes two of us! You won't be getting your mum's clothes, cos they're all over my bedroom floor! | 0:04:39 | 0:04:43 | |
Guys, stop being mean about each other's families. | 0:04:43 | 0:04:46 | |
Your parents are all so supportive of you. | 0:04:46 | 0:04:48 | |
You might not realise it now, | 0:04:49 | 0:04:51 | |
but you won't appreciate how much they love you, until your mum's gone... | 0:04:51 | 0:04:56 | |
..to live in Spain, with Javier and their children. | 0:04:57 | 0:05:01 | |
Gay! | 0:05:03 | 0:05:04 | |
Come on, sir. | 0:05:06 | 0:05:07 | |
You write your masterpiece, I'll help you organise auditions. | 0:05:07 | 0:05:10 | |
Thanks, Jing. | 0:05:10 | 0:05:11 | |
Oh, and I forgot to say, we have to give a shout out to all the religions. | 0:05:11 | 0:05:14 | |
Christianity, Buddhism, Islam... what's China, Jing? | 0:05:14 | 0:05:17 | |
-Predominantly atheists. -So, what, you don't get to do Christmas? | 0:05:17 | 0:05:20 | |
That seems a bit unfair considering you make all the toys. | 0:05:20 | 0:05:23 | |
That's like the elves not having it. | 0:05:23 | 0:05:25 | |
Did you just compare...? | 0:05:25 | 0:05:27 | |
On the subject of presents, Mitchell, how is Miss Gulliver's? | 0:05:27 | 0:05:30 | |
Yeah. Dad's sorted it. One of his mates owns a donkey sanctuary. | 0:05:30 | 0:05:33 | |
-You're buying Miss Gulliver a donkey? -Adopting her a donkey. | 0:05:33 | 0:05:36 | |
You know, she loves animals... and they're a lot cheaper than snow leopards. | 0:05:36 | 0:05:40 | |
-BELL RINGS -OK, spread the word. | 0:05:40 | 0:05:42 | |
Casting's at break, so pick your own audition pieces and choose them wisely. | 0:05:42 | 0:05:46 | |
# Right, so loud and proud You hearing it | 0:05:46 | 0:05:48 | |
# It's Christmastime and we got the spirit... # | 0:05:48 | 0:05:51 | |
OK, Stephen, what scene from Flashdance are you doing today? | 0:05:51 | 0:05:55 | |
-All of it. -All of it? | 0:05:55 | 0:05:57 | |
-You've only got a minute. -Just shut up and press play. | 0:05:57 | 0:06:00 | |
MUSIC: "Flashdance" by Irene Cara | 0:06:03 | 0:06:05 | |
And who are you? | 0:06:16 | 0:06:17 | |
Professor Xavier. X-Men, innit? | 0:06:17 | 0:06:20 | |
I can read your mind, bruv. | 0:06:20 | 0:06:23 | |
Yeah, sure. | 0:06:23 | 0:06:24 | |
What am I thinking now? | 0:06:24 | 0:06:26 | |
Tits. | 0:06:26 | 0:06:27 | |
Tits! | 0:06:27 | 0:06:28 | |
How does he do it? | 0:06:35 | 0:06:36 | |
MUSIC: "Flashdance" by Irene Cara | 0:06:36 | 0:06:39 | |
So, Chantelle, where have you taken your scene from? | 0:06:44 | 0:06:48 | |
Basic Instinct. | 0:06:48 | 0:06:49 | |
Basic Instinct...? | 0:06:49 | 0:06:52 | |
Oh, my God! Do not move your legs! | 0:06:52 | 0:06:54 | |
MUSIC: "Flashdance" by Irene Cara | 0:06:54 | 0:06:57 | |
Obviously, you're in the play. That was amazing. | 0:07:14 | 0:07:17 | |
Sorted. | 0:07:17 | 0:07:19 | |
We still only have one good actor. | 0:07:19 | 0:07:21 | |
Yeah, that's all you need. One good one, | 0:07:21 | 0:07:23 | |
then you don't realise how terrible the other ones actually are. | 0:07:23 | 0:07:27 | |
-It's like the Kardashians. -Really? -Yeah, as a triptych, fit. | 0:07:27 | 0:07:30 | |
But you take Kim out of the equation, | 0:07:30 | 0:07:32 | |
Kourtney suddenly looks like she should be sat underneath a bridge that she guards, eating goats. | 0:07:32 | 0:07:36 | |
Now, look, Frank, there's no need to take the piss... | 0:07:40 | 0:07:44 | |
I've come to audition, innit? | 0:07:44 | 0:07:46 | |
Your dance was, like, good and shit. | 0:07:46 | 0:07:49 | |
Oh, thanks, babes. | 0:07:50 | 0:07:52 | |
Oh, whatever, man. I'm not bothered. | 0:07:52 | 0:07:53 | |
Well, OK, um...in your own time. | 0:07:53 | 0:07:58 | |
This is going to be perfect, Jing. | 0:07:58 | 0:07:59 | |
He'll be like Plan B, all moody but with an amazing talent | 0:07:59 | 0:08:02 | |
hidden between the urban, slightly stabby facade. | 0:08:02 | 0:08:05 | |
Where is my Romeo? | 0:08:11 | 0:08:13 | |
What's here? A cup, closed in my love's true hand? | 0:08:13 | 0:08:16 | |
Poison, I see, hath been his timeless end. | 0:08:16 | 0:08:19 | |
He sounds like he's taking a shit. | 0:08:19 | 0:08:21 | |
I will kiss thy lips... | 0:08:21 | 0:08:24 | |
OK, right, good. | 0:08:24 | 0:08:25 | |
Er... so, let's start with the positives. | 0:08:25 | 0:08:31 | |
Volume. | 0:08:31 | 0:08:32 | |
It was very loud. | 0:08:32 | 0:08:34 | |
I heard every word, as I think did the whole of Hertfordshire. | 0:08:34 | 0:08:40 | |
So what part am I going to play? | 0:08:40 | 0:08:42 | |
Er, unfortunately, Frank, there are a lot of really great actors out there. | 0:08:42 | 0:08:47 | |
-What part? -I'm afraid, there isn't a role for you... | 0:08:47 | 0:08:50 | |
What... part? | 0:08:50 | 0:08:52 | |
-The lead? -What? -The co-lead. | 0:08:52 | 0:08:54 | |
Yes, like in Rush Hour. | 0:08:55 | 0:08:57 | |
Thanks, Jing. | 0:08:59 | 0:09:00 | |
Nice save. | 0:09:00 | 0:09:02 | |
You all right, sir? | 0:09:04 | 0:09:05 | |
I'm snow-K, you? | 0:09:05 | 0:09:07 | |
Yeah, not too bad. | 0:09:07 | 0:09:08 | |
Yours-elf? | 0:09:08 | 0:09:09 | |
Oh, Rudolph, Donner, Blitzen and Banter! | 0:09:09 | 0:09:12 | |
Can I get Mr Wickers' mum's number, please, sir? | 0:09:13 | 0:09:16 | |
-It's on the toilet wall. -Yeah, I tried that one. It weren't real. | 0:09:16 | 0:09:18 | |
-Sorry, why do you want it? -I'm arranging Mr Wickers a nice surprise. | 0:09:19 | 0:09:22 | |
-Genuinely nice? -Yeah. It's Christmas. | 0:09:22 | 0:09:25 | |
-I want to invite her to Mr Wickers' play. -Wow! | 0:09:25 | 0:09:28 | |
Do you know what, hustler, I think I'm going to drop that goodwill pill you just scored me. | 0:09:28 | 0:09:31 | |
Although Alfie's not seen her in years. | 0:09:33 | 0:09:35 | |
-Well, you've got to convince her then. Make something up. -Right-oh. | 0:09:35 | 0:09:38 | |
Hello, is that Mrs Wickers? | 0:09:42 | 0:09:44 | |
Sorry, currently Mrs Garcia-Ramires! | 0:09:44 | 0:09:47 | |
Yes, it's Mr Fraser here. | 0:09:47 | 0:09:49 | |
Alfie's... | 0:09:49 | 0:09:50 | |
..been in a horrific car crash. | 0:09:53 | 0:09:55 | |
# Yo-ho-ho, take out the coal | 0:09:57 | 0:09:59 | |
# Get the cutest feelings from working the ho... # | 0:09:59 | 0:10:01 | |
OK, so this is Robocracker. | 0:10:01 | 0:10:05 | |
In a world without hope, lived an angry maladjusted delinquent boy. | 0:10:05 | 0:10:09 | |
That is you, Frank. | 0:10:09 | 0:10:11 | |
Frank wakes up Christmas morning, finds beneath the tree a doll, it's Robocracker. | 0:10:11 | 0:10:15 | |
That's you, Stephen. | 0:10:15 | 0:10:17 | |
Christmas miracle, Robocracker's alive! | 0:10:17 | 0:10:19 | |
And him and the delinquent boy set about to bring peace to the world. | 0:10:19 | 0:10:22 | |
Sprinkle in a couple of explosions, throw in a sex scene, bish bash bosh, who smells BAFTA? | 0:10:22 | 0:10:28 | |
You can't win a BAFTA for a theatre show. | 0:10:28 | 0:10:31 | |
All the parts are cast, except for the role of the villain... | 0:10:31 | 0:10:34 | |
North Korean despot, Kim Jong-un. | 0:10:34 | 0:10:38 | |
Oh, who, oh, who could play that part? | 0:10:38 | 0:10:41 | |
You want me to play an overweight middle-aged North Korean man? | 0:10:43 | 0:10:46 | |
Er, no, Jing, we're not talking about a lazy stereotype here. | 0:10:46 | 0:10:50 | |
We are talking about a three-dimensional, very rounded character, | 0:10:50 | 0:10:54 | |
a very rounded sort of, chubby oddball loner... | 0:10:54 | 0:11:00 | |
Just give me the script. | 0:11:00 | 0:11:02 | |
Joe, you are going to make a brilliant not-so-Lil' Kim. | 0:11:02 | 0:11:05 | |
How is Kim Jong-un in Robocracker? | 0:11:05 | 0:11:07 | |
Because Kim Jong-un wants to capture Robocracker | 0:11:07 | 0:11:09 | |
so he can use his robotic heart to power a missile that can destroy the world. | 0:11:09 | 0:11:13 | |
Only when he gets hold of the heart, he realises it's not robotic, | 0:11:13 | 0:11:16 | |
it's actually the heart of a real boy. | 0:11:16 | 0:11:17 | |
It's actually very obvious if you think about it, Jing. | 0:11:17 | 0:11:20 | |
Thank you, sir, it's beautiful. | 0:11:20 | 0:11:22 | |
Why can't we just do Shakespeare? | 0:11:22 | 0:11:24 | |
For the same reason that I don't watch Question Time. | 0:11:24 | 0:11:27 | |
Because it's boring, confusing and the audience laugh at a load of jokes | 0:11:27 | 0:11:30 | |
that no normal person would ever understand. | 0:11:30 | 0:11:32 | |
So, how do we create a loyal, trusting, happy environment? | 0:11:32 | 0:11:37 | |
Everyone get naked? | 0:11:37 | 0:11:39 | |
No. | 0:11:39 | 0:11:40 | |
What we do is we all lie on the floor, and then take turns to roll over each other. | 0:11:40 | 0:11:44 | |
Pick a partner. | 0:11:44 | 0:11:45 | |
I'll take Joe. | 0:11:52 | 0:11:53 | |
When you're ready, just over you go. | 0:11:59 | 0:12:02 | |
Nearly there, big guy... | 0:12:06 | 0:12:07 | |
Oh, my back! | 0:12:10 | 0:12:12 | |
Argh! | 0:12:13 | 0:12:15 | |
Rem Dogg! | 0:12:15 | 0:12:16 | |
-Is it my go, sir? -No, no... | 0:12:16 | 0:12:19 | |
Trust me, sir! | 0:12:19 | 0:12:20 | |
Where are you going? | 0:12:20 | 0:12:22 | |
Trust me! | 0:12:22 | 0:12:23 | |
Hello. | 0:12:26 | 0:12:28 | |
Er, we were just doing a trust exercise. | 0:12:28 | 0:12:30 | |
Right. | 0:12:32 | 0:12:33 | |
Er, I was wondering who's coming on our special outing this evening? | 0:12:35 | 0:12:40 | |
Oh, shit! Sorry. I forgot to ask! | 0:12:40 | 0:12:43 | |
Er, guys, do any of you want to go with Miss Gulliver... | 0:12:43 | 0:12:47 | |
-And Mr Wickers. -And me... | 0:12:47 | 0:12:49 | |
to a lovely, trampy soup kitchen? | 0:12:49 | 0:12:53 | |
I'm not going tramp-wanking. | 0:12:54 | 0:12:55 | |
Er, there's no wanking involved, Mitchell. | 0:12:55 | 0:12:58 | |
Is there? | 0:12:59 | 0:13:00 | |
Why would we wank off tramps? | 0:13:00 | 0:13:02 | |
To keep them warm? | 0:13:03 | 0:13:06 | |
Does anyone want to volunteer? | 0:13:06 | 0:13:08 | |
The thing is, Rosie, er, we're kind of doing this play, | 0:13:08 | 0:13:11 | |
so we don't really have much spare time. | 0:13:11 | 0:13:13 | |
Plus, I don't speak Scottish, so me and tramps don't really... | 0:13:13 | 0:13:17 | |
Alfie, I am going to make you stick to your promise. | 0:13:17 | 0:13:20 | |
Well, I'm sorry, I have to do this play. | 0:13:20 | 0:13:22 | |
I need to get the governors back on board. | 0:13:22 | 0:13:24 | |
So I'm afraid on this occasion I am putting my foot down. | 0:13:24 | 0:13:27 | |
UNINTELLIGIBLE MUTTERING | 0:13:30 | 0:13:33 | |
Isn't this fun? | 0:13:39 | 0:13:40 | |
Aren't you glad I made you come? | 0:13:40 | 0:13:42 | |
Yeah! | 0:13:42 | 0:13:44 | |
Gie us some Bucky, pal! | 0:13:44 | 0:13:46 | |
-Bucky? -It's alcohol. | 0:13:47 | 0:13:50 | |
Yeah, look, I'm afraid we only serve soup in this soup kitchen. | 0:13:50 | 0:13:54 | |
Get tae fuck, ya sleekit wee bastard, | 0:13:54 | 0:13:56 | |
gie us some Bucky or ye'll end up in a ditch, you toff buftie! | 0:13:56 | 0:13:59 | |
OK, is that Scottish for, "Yes, please, with croutons"? | 0:13:59 | 0:14:04 | |
WOOF! WOOF! | 0:14:04 | 0:14:05 | |
Oi, dinnae you be tellin' me whit tae dae! | 0:14:05 | 0:14:08 | |
You're nae the boss o' me, ya doss radge dug. | 0:14:08 | 0:14:10 | |
Ah, what a lovely doggie! | 0:14:10 | 0:14:12 | |
What's his name? | 0:14:12 | 0:14:14 | |
Er... | 0:14:14 | 0:14:15 | |
"If found, please call 020..." Och, numbers. | 0:14:16 | 0:14:20 | |
What an odd name to give a dog. | 0:14:21 | 0:14:23 | |
No, no, he's no' mine. | 0:14:23 | 0:14:25 | |
I stole him aff some numpty-heided bastard who tried tae gie me a doin' in the street. | 0:14:25 | 0:14:28 | |
How awful. | 0:14:28 | 0:14:29 | |
Aye, he came at us wi' a stick! Eh, eh! But I got it off him. | 0:14:29 | 0:14:33 | |
Cos nae-one messes wi' Boney. | 0:14:33 | 0:14:35 | |
I'll sell it tae youse if ye like, yeah, no? | 0:14:35 | 0:14:38 | |
Got these an' all. | 0:14:39 | 0:14:41 | |
Brand-new, like. | 0:14:41 | 0:14:43 | |
Sir! | 0:14:43 | 0:14:44 | |
Aren't tramps lovely? | 0:14:48 | 0:14:50 | |
# Merry Christmas, merry Christmas | 0:14:51 | 0:14:53 | |
# But I think I'll miss this one this year | 0:14:53 | 0:14:55 | |
# Merry Christmas, merry Christmas | 0:14:55 | 0:14:57 | |
# But I think I'll miss this one this year... # | 0:14:57 | 0:14:59 | |
Sir, what sort of donkey do you want, a boy or a girl? | 0:14:59 | 0:15:01 | |
Just whatever looks cutest. | 0:15:01 | 0:15:03 | |
But, Robocracker, how can we cure AIDS with no music to dance to? | 0:15:03 | 0:15:08 | |
Never fear, Frank, because I happen to be best friends with Bono! | 0:15:08 | 0:15:12 | |
And then you hug him. | 0:15:14 | 0:15:16 | |
I'm not hugging any blokes. | 0:15:16 | 0:15:17 | |
Lads, can I gie ye a wee bit of advice? | 0:15:17 | 0:15:20 | |
Think of yourselves as blank canvases on to which your characters' motivations are projected, | 0:15:21 | 0:15:26 | |
ye ken what I'm saying? | 0:15:26 | 0:15:28 | |
Sorry, what do you know about drama? | 0:15:28 | 0:15:30 | |
What don't I know about drama, you, ya jobby-jabber! | 0:15:30 | 0:15:33 | |
Ah ken maybe no' to look at me, right, but I huvnae always been a dirty Jake! | 0:15:33 | 0:15:36 | |
See back in the day, I was one of the most famous actors in my generation. | 0:15:36 | 0:15:40 | |
Really? | 0:15:40 | 0:15:42 | |
You name it, I've done it. | 0:15:42 | 0:15:43 | |
Corporate videos, part in Taggart, even done a run at the RSC... | 0:15:43 | 0:15:46 | |
..and then the work dried up, worse than a swamp donkey's fud. | 0:15:48 | 0:15:53 | |
I can only imagine what that is. | 0:15:54 | 0:15:56 | |
Aye, Ah hit the Bucky, Ah hit the wife, | 0:15:56 | 0:15:59 | |
Ah hit the streets, living rough, begging for booze money. | 0:15:59 | 0:16:03 | |
And then, aye, then things got really bad. | 0:16:03 | 0:16:07 | |
Did you get into heroin? | 0:16:07 | 0:16:09 | |
I got into Hollyoaks. | 0:16:09 | 0:16:10 | |
# Santa Claus is coming to town... # | 0:16:10 | 0:16:17 | |
-Ah, Mrs Hegarty. -Hi. -Good evening. | 0:16:19 | 0:16:21 | |
Ah! Mr Bonehead, so pleased you could make it. | 0:16:21 | 0:16:24 | |
Where's the bar? I need a drink. | 0:16:24 | 0:16:26 | |
Ah, who invited those guys? | 0:16:26 | 0:16:29 | |
I did. I thought you'd like it. | 0:16:29 | 0:16:31 | |
I get that they're homeless, right, but they could have made a bit of effort. | 0:16:31 | 0:16:35 | |
That guy over there's not even got any shoes on. | 0:16:35 | 0:16:38 | |
Now this is what I'm talking about. | 0:16:38 | 0:16:41 | |
A tramp that's made a little bit of bloody effort. | 0:16:41 | 0:16:43 | |
Yeah, sure you've kept the old clunge sponge, but at least you've found yourself a suit! | 0:16:43 | 0:16:50 | |
-HE SNIFFS -You've had a wash. | 0:16:50 | 0:16:52 | |
And...you're a governor. | 0:16:52 | 0:16:55 | |
Mr Hardside. | 0:16:55 | 0:16:57 | |
I've just remembered now... I'm awfully sorry, I hope you have a wonderful evening. | 0:16:57 | 0:17:02 | |
Mrs Wickers is at Gatwick. | 0:17:07 | 0:17:09 | |
How are we going to explain her son's sudden recovery from a ten-car pileup? | 0:17:09 | 0:17:13 | |
Our options are: a) Christmas miracle or two) actually maim Alf. | 0:17:13 | 0:17:17 | |
No, I'm one step ahead of you, sir. | 0:17:17 | 0:17:18 | |
Me Dad's got a load of these left over from making whiplash claims. | 0:17:18 | 0:17:21 | |
-He's saving up for a car. -Brill-cream! | 0:17:21 | 0:17:23 | |
Mr Wickers! Go! | 0:17:23 | 0:17:25 | |
-We need to get everyone inside. -Alf, quickly, you need to put this on. | 0:17:26 | 0:17:29 | |
Elf 'n' safety! | 0:17:29 | 0:17:31 | |
Get it? | 0:17:31 | 0:17:32 | |
But seriously, narrators can get hurt doing all that reading. | 0:17:32 | 0:17:35 | |
Argh! | 0:17:37 | 0:17:38 | |
God bless, Mazeltov, Allah Akbar. | 0:17:43 | 0:17:48 | |
Arsene Wenger, balls-bis hiya waya! | 0:17:49 | 0:17:54 | |
Little bit of housekeeping, this school does have toilet facilities. | 0:17:54 | 0:17:59 | |
That one was mainly aimed at the gentleman at the back. I can see you. | 0:17:59 | 0:18:03 | |
Get tae fuck! | 0:18:04 | 0:18:05 | |
And a very merry Christmas to you, sir. | 0:18:05 | 0:18:07 | |
Over to you, Mr Wickers. | 0:18:07 | 0:18:09 | |
Drop it like it's hot. | 0:18:09 | 0:18:10 | |
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT | 0:18:12 | 0:18:15 | |
It was the night before Christmas | 0:18:15 | 0:18:17 | |
and all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. | 0:18:17 | 0:18:23 | |
Oh, get off me, you bell-end! | 0:18:23 | 0:18:25 | |
Our hero is Frank, a ten-year-old boy. | 0:18:25 | 0:18:30 | |
Why aren't you wearing your costume? | 0:18:30 | 0:18:32 | |
I'm not wearing tights, man. | 0:18:32 | 0:18:34 | |
Oh! Frank's parents are poor, no presents today, | 0:18:34 | 0:18:40 | |
unless...hark! | 0:18:40 | 0:18:42 | |
What is this? It is Santa with reindeer and sleigh! | 0:18:42 | 0:18:47 | |
"Ho ho ho! | 0:18:47 | 0:18:49 | |
"I'll fetch Frank's presents," Santa did say, | 0:18:49 | 0:18:53 | |
as he stroked on his beard and got out of his sleigh. | 0:18:53 | 0:18:57 | |
I'm in a wheelchair, dickhead! | 0:18:59 | 0:19:01 | |
As one of his reindeer went to fetch the present whilst Santa stayed put in his sleigh. | 0:19:01 | 0:19:07 | |
Let me out. | 0:19:07 | 0:19:09 | |
-I can't breathe! -Day turned to night. | 0:19:09 | 0:19:12 | |
And then night turned to day. | 0:19:12 | 0:19:14 | |
Why did I bother getting out of bed? | 0:19:15 | 0:19:17 | |
Frank did say, very loudly. | 0:19:17 | 0:19:21 | |
-Let me out! -This is shite! | 0:19:21 | 0:19:23 | |
What did you say? | 0:19:23 | 0:19:24 | |
-But under the tree... -I can't breathe! | 0:19:26 | 0:19:28 | |
..What's this that Frank spies! | 0:19:28 | 0:19:30 | |
It's Robocracker. | 0:19:30 | 0:19:32 | |
Frank can't believe his eyes! | 0:19:32 | 0:19:34 | |
HE SCREAMS | 0:19:35 | 0:19:37 | |
Are you all right? | 0:19:37 | 0:19:39 | |
I couldn't breathe in that box! | 0:19:39 | 0:19:40 | |
Frank makes a wish that Santa does hear, | 0:19:40 | 0:19:44 | |
"Make this doll come to life | 0:19:44 | 0:19:47 | |
"and I'll stop drinking beer behind the bike sheds | 0:19:47 | 0:19:51 | |
"and being a massive bully | 0:19:51 | 0:19:54 | |
"and constantly going on about how one of his teachers got bummed at boarding school." | 0:19:54 | 0:19:58 | |
FYI the only person that's ever touched my bum is my friend Atticus Hoye, like, once, | 0:19:58 | 0:20:02 | |
when we were at the Eden Project, this one time. | 0:20:02 | 0:20:04 | |
Gay! | 0:20:06 | 0:20:07 | |
Mitchell, you can't heckle your own show. | 0:20:07 | 0:20:09 | |
Frank and his friend set out on a quest, until they'd helped everyone, they would not rest. | 0:20:11 | 0:20:18 | |
Who wrote this shite? | 0:20:18 | 0:20:20 | |
I've seen jobbies come out of my arse with better structure than this. | 0:20:20 | 0:20:23 | |
CLASSICAL MUSIC | 0:20:24 | 0:20:26 | |
Argh! | 0:20:26 | 0:20:28 | |
-No! -This is my solo. | 0:20:28 | 0:20:30 | |
-I can't see anything in this stupid helmet! -Oi, sir! | 0:20:30 | 0:20:32 | |
Mitchell, come here! | 0:20:32 | 0:20:34 | |
-It's so unprofessional. -Pull your trousers up! | 0:20:34 | 0:20:37 | |
Get off! | 0:20:37 | 0:20:38 | |
Mitchell, stop it! | 0:20:38 | 0:20:40 | |
Get off. You idiot! | 0:20:40 | 0:20:42 | |
Interval! | 0:20:44 | 0:20:46 | |
Meanwhile, in Jerusalem... | 0:20:48 | 0:20:51 | |
I called shotgun on the Holy Land, you wanktard. | 0:20:51 | 0:20:53 | |
Oh, do one! Jerusalem is mine, you Jap's eye! | 0:20:53 | 0:20:56 | |
I'm going to pin you down and teabag ya. | 0:20:56 | 0:20:57 | |
Come on, get the cogs in here. | 0:20:57 | 0:20:59 | |
Not even in the script. | 0:20:59 | 0:21:00 | |
But here comes Robocracker. | 0:21:00 | 0:21:02 | |
He has an idea of a neutral shared city in a two-state solution, | 0:21:02 | 0:21:07 | |
which he will explain through the medium of expressive dance. | 0:21:07 | 0:21:11 | |
# Come a little bit closer, baby... # | 0:21:11 | 0:21:15 | |
That's right. | 0:21:16 | 0:21:17 | |
It's now time for the Tolerance Dance! | 0:21:17 | 0:21:21 | |
# ..When two become one | 0:21:21 | 0:21:24 | |
# I need some love like I never needed love before | 0:21:24 | 0:21:29 | |
# I wanna make love to ya, baby | 0:21:29 | 0:21:31 | |
# I had a little love Now I'm up for more | 0:21:31 | 0:21:36 | |
# I wanna make love to ya, baby | 0:21:36 | 0:21:39 | |
# Set your spirit free | 0:21:39 | 0:21:41 | |
# It's the only way to be | 0:21:41 | 0:21:45 | |
# It's the only way to be... # | 0:21:48 | 0:21:51 | |
Yeah, Robocracker brings everyone together. | 0:21:51 | 0:21:54 | |
It's a miracle! | 0:21:54 | 0:21:56 | |
Ah, it's in my bloody eye. | 0:21:56 | 0:21:58 | |
It's a miracle! | 0:22:05 | 0:22:06 | |
They've put an end to heartache and loss, | 0:22:15 | 0:22:20 | |
but now our brave pair must take on the boss. | 0:22:20 | 0:22:24 | |
I'll get you, Robocracker! | 0:22:24 | 0:22:27 | |
No, you shan't for I am a real boy! | 0:22:27 | 0:22:30 | |
BOOM! | 0:22:39 | 0:22:41 | |
SCREAMING | 0:22:41 | 0:22:42 | |
Where is my Romeo? | 0:22:51 | 0:22:53 | |
Poison, I see, hath been his timeless end. | 0:22:53 | 0:22:56 | |
I will kiss thy lips... | 0:22:58 | 0:23:01 | |
happily some poison yet doth hang on them. | 0:23:01 | 0:23:04 | |
Thy lips are warm. | 0:23:07 | 0:23:08 | |
Let me die! | 0:23:11 | 0:23:14 | |
Alas there's no hope, no treatment, | 0:23:14 | 0:23:17 | |
no drug, as Robo's life fades away, Frank bids adieu with a hu... | 0:23:17 | 0:23:23 | |
Hug! | 0:23:28 | 0:23:30 | |
In the script it says hug. | 0:23:30 | 0:23:32 | |
COUGH! | 0:23:34 | 0:23:35 | |
But what's this? | 0:23:36 | 0:23:38 | |
Robocracker has been reincarnated and finally he's a real boy! | 0:23:38 | 0:23:44 | |
The end! | 0:23:46 | 0:23:47 | |
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING | 0:23:47 | 0:23:50 | |
Come on, you lot. Out you get. | 0:24:10 | 0:24:12 | |
Haven't you got homes to go to? | 0:24:12 | 0:24:14 | |
Well done. | 0:24:19 | 0:24:21 | |
Oh, thank you. | 0:24:21 | 0:24:22 | |
Fair do's. | 0:24:23 | 0:24:25 | |
Your narrative arc was engaging, | 0:24:25 | 0:24:27 | |
but the pleasurable representations dinnae depend on the likeness of the thing | 0:24:27 | 0:24:31 | |
that they are portraying. You know what I mean, ya minging bag o' shite? | 0:24:31 | 0:24:34 | |
Oh, I'll bear that in mind for next time. | 0:24:34 | 0:24:36 | |
My brave little baby! | 0:24:38 | 0:24:42 | |
Mummy. | 0:24:42 | 0:24:43 | |
I can't believe you came. | 0:24:45 | 0:24:47 | |
We came as soon as we heard about the accident. | 0:24:47 | 0:24:50 | |
-The accident? -Me... | 0:24:50 | 0:24:52 | |
..forgetting to put her invite in the fricking post, that accident! | 0:24:52 | 0:24:58 | |
-You invited my mum? -Well, it was Mr Mitchell's idea. | 0:24:58 | 0:25:02 | |
Don't go soppy on me, Dickers. | 0:25:02 | 0:25:04 | |
And Uncle Javier is here too! | 0:25:04 | 0:25:08 | |
Great, Uncle Javier. | 0:25:08 | 0:25:10 | |
I've really missed him. | 0:25:10 | 0:25:12 | |
Oh, me valiente hombre. | 0:25:15 | 0:25:18 | |
Alfie, Uncle Javier is so proud of you. | 0:25:18 | 0:25:22 | |
We're going to find the men who put you in this chair, and we're going to make them pay. | 0:25:22 | 0:25:25 | |
Can someone stop Fernando Torres trying' to bum me? | 0:25:28 | 0:25:31 | |
Javier, that's not Alfie. | 0:25:31 | 0:25:33 | |
-This is... -Hi. | 0:25:38 | 0:25:40 | |
Hey. | 0:25:40 | 0:25:42 | |
I knew it. | 0:25:42 | 0:25:44 | |
It was a little joke. | 0:25:44 | 0:25:45 | |
Er, Mum, Javier, this is the girl I've been telling you about. | 0:25:45 | 0:25:52 | |
Rosie. | 0:25:52 | 0:25:53 | |
It's so nice to meet you. | 0:25:53 | 0:25:55 | |
So will you be staying for Christmas? | 0:26:01 | 0:26:03 | |
We are going to stay until little Alfie is better. | 0:26:03 | 0:26:09 | |
We better head to Alfie's classroom for Christmas dinner! | 0:26:09 | 0:26:13 | |
Who wants turkey! | 0:26:13 | 0:26:15 | |
So did you get the West Ham ticket? | 0:26:23 | 0:26:25 | |
Oh, you got me that? | 0:26:26 | 0:26:28 | |
So do you want to go? | 0:26:29 | 0:26:31 | |
All right, yeah. | 0:26:31 | 0:26:32 | |
I mean, it don't mean nothing or, like, whatever... | 0:26:32 | 0:26:36 | |
You can give up that act now, babes. | 0:26:36 | 0:26:37 | |
-Guess what I done with them crackers? -What? | 0:26:39 | 0:26:41 | |
Swapped the jokes. | 0:26:41 | 0:26:43 | |
Here's one for you. | 0:26:43 | 0:26:44 | |
What do nine out of ten people enjoy? | 0:26:44 | 0:26:47 | |
Gang ra... | 0:26:48 | 0:26:50 | |
Rawr! | 0:26:52 | 0:26:53 | |
An impression of a lion. | 0:26:56 | 0:26:57 | |
Excuse me, ladies and gents. | 0:27:00 | 0:27:02 | |
Er, just going to go down the hallway to only use your lavatory. | 0:27:02 | 0:27:07 | |
Er, so, thank youse. | 0:27:07 | 0:27:10 | |
Aw, Bonehead's got his life back on track. | 0:27:13 | 0:27:18 | |
Your play really helped him. | 0:27:18 | 0:27:20 | |
-I just think it's great that we've been able to show him the bigger picture. -Mmm. | 0:27:21 | 0:27:25 | |
Oh, I got you a tiny silly little present thing. | 0:27:26 | 0:27:30 | |
Mitchell, how's that donkey coming along? | 0:27:30 | 0:27:33 | |
It arrived from Romania about an hour ago. | 0:27:33 | 0:27:34 | |
Oh, amazing. | 0:27:34 | 0:27:36 | |
-Have you got the certificate? -What certificate? | 0:27:36 | 0:27:39 | |
Right, here's half the donkey. | 0:27:39 | 0:27:41 | |
The rest I gave to the kitchens. | 0:27:41 | 0:27:43 | |
I figured you couldn't eat it all. | 0:27:44 | 0:27:46 | |
Alfredo, this meat is lovely! It's so bloody moist! | 0:27:46 | 0:27:50 | |
B-Buble! | 0:28:00 | 0:28:03 | |
Does this mean we can listen to it every day until Christmas? | 0:28:03 | 0:28:06 | |
I guess I must really love you. | 0:28:07 | 0:28:09 | |
# Oh, the weather outside is frightful | 0:28:09 | 0:28:12 | |
# But the fire is so delightful | 0:28:12 | 0:28:16 | |
# And since we've no place to go | 0:28:16 | 0:28:18 | |
# Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow... # | 0:28:18 | 0:28:22 | |
Sir's got a boner! | 0:28:23 | 0:28:25 | |
Mitchell! | 0:28:26 | 0:28:28 |