Episode 1 Bad Language

MUSIC: I'm A Scatman by Scatman John

APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome to Bad Language,

the show all about everyday words, phrases and sayings.

Let's meet tonight's teams -

with team captain Susan Calman it's Phill Jupitus...

APPLAUSE

..and with captain Paul Sinha it's the lovely Lucy Porter!

APPLAUSE

We kick off with our first round, entitled Osama Bin Language...

GUNFIRE

..where we ask our teams to nominate a word or phrase

that they think is a menace to society and should be taken out.

Then, our highly intellectual audience of scholars

will decide which one should be removed permanently,

yes, from conversation. Paul you're up first.

Which word or phrase would you like to see disappear?

I'm going to bring some politics into the debate very early on.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Yeah. I'm going to go for the phrase "the silent majority".

Now, I've done a bit of research for this show,

knowing it was going to be filmed in Belfast -

I've had a look at Northern Ireland politics,

and it's quite clear that some people...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

What I was going to say is it's quite clear that some people

have a very different opinion to other people.

LAUGHTER

I am a genius like that - and I've kind of worked it out,

and that's fine,

it should be healthy to debate with people with whom you disagree.

There seems to be a very vexed debate in Northern Ireland

about the issue of same-sex marriage. Now...

-AUDIENCE: Ooh!

-Yeah!

I am biased. I am...a gay man.

I'm not in a relationship, I'd like to get married one day,

but in the meantime, I've been travelling around Belfast

ordering wedding cakes just to see the look of terror on their faces.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Now, I don't mind if you disagree with the concept

of same-sex marriage - it's fine, it's absolutely fine.

What I don't like is when people say,

"'No', and I'm speaking for the silent majority."

The people who say that have never got the statistical analysis

to back up the word "majority", and they're never silent.

If you genuinely believe that you represent the silent majority,

-shut the

-BLEEP

-up. Then I might start to take you...

APPLAUSE

I have a gay daughter who is getting married -

but the only problem I have with gay marriage,

as the father of a gay daughter, is who pays?

LAUGHTER

Yeah.

Because... You know, you know, because...

I'm going to be honest, I think that my one is a bit less butch, so...

LAUGHTER

So, I think, in my marriage, I am the butch one.

I am 4"11 and a lady,

and my husband Justin is 6"5 and a man,

but he's my bitch, basically.

LAUGHTER

I like football and...and cars, and my husband enjoys musicals.

Sorry, what's his name?

APPLAUSE

In the bedroom it's like a ventriloquism act

that's gone to a very dark place, to be fair...

LAUGHTER

You know, don't dwell on that, it's not...

Remind me what your husband's name is.

-SUSAN:

-Why?

He's "just in".

-Oh, oh, oh, Lucy!

-Yeah.

-All right, it's all right...

-I know Justin, he's a lovely man -

-this is horrific!

-No, don't think about that area.

This has taken a very dark turn.

OK, we go... OK, we go to Phill next.

Which word or phrase, Phill,

which you like to see in the bin of bad language?

"Big boned".

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

You get home from school, you're about eight,

and you go, "Mummy, the other kids call me fat."

"You're not fat, love, you're big boned."

Of course I'm fat!

Keep it real - stop telling your kids,

"You're not fat, you're big boned."

Also, bones are not large, wobbly, blancmange-like substances.

This - this isn't bone.

It's muscle.

APPLAUSE

-So, what is the correct phrase? It's that I'm...

-Fat!

To be fair, you also have massive bones, looking at you.

They are not being inaccurate, are they? You're a big guy.

-Well, that's...

-Paul is an ex-doctor.

That would be a great programme - the X Doctor!

I think there's always a sign - you know you're overweight

when the doctor takes your blood pressure

and runs from the room screaming, saying, "He's going to blow!"

But, for women, women get the "big boned" thing as well.

I remember my gym teacher, cos I had to wear my hockey skirt undone,

because I wasn't the slimmest of ladies, I'll be honest -

I know, looking at me now, you'd never believe it,

but I wasn't the slimmest.

And I used to play hockey with my skirt half undone -

-it's just, they were crazy days.

-You slut.

LAUGHTER

HE SINGS STRIPPER MUSIC

No, because nothing...

"Is it time for hockey?!"

Ba-ba-boom!

APPLAUSE

You do put on weight - like, when you get married,

I remember a friend of mine telling me,

when I got married, she said,

"90% of people put on at least a stone in weight

"during their first year of marriage,"

and Justin and I laughed at the time

and went, "That'll never happen to us, darling!"

The first month we were married we managed 3st each,

which is like someone had pulled a ripcord at the altar,

I mean, we just went like...

There is a very simple reason why married people put on weight -

it's because when you're single, when you come in at night,

you have a quick look at what's in the fridge, you go straight to bed -

when you're married, you come in at night,

have a quick look at what's in bed, go straight to the fridge, so...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Lucy, where do we go from here?

-What is the word or phrase that you'd like to see?

-Brrr!

Well, now, what I'm going to do, I'm going to see you "big boned",

Phill, and I'm going to raise you body fascism -

I'm going to add sexism on top of that.

ALL: Ooh!

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...

"mumsy".

Last year at the Edinburgh Festival I was doing a show,

and I was reading a review that someone had written,

and it was a five-star review, the kind we all dream of getting,

where the reviewer said, "This wonderful show, amazing, superb..."

Read through it, got to about halfway through it,

and the guy had written, "The mumsy looking Porter..."

Right?! I have never wiped my arse on a newspaper before, but I...

-I...

-You missed the five-star bit,

though, you didn't wipe your arse on the five-star bit?

Oh, no, obviously I cut that out first, yes.

I cut that out for the poster.

Because, to be honest, if you wiped your arse with five stars,

that would be six stars.

APPLAUSE

The dictionary definition is "dowdy, unfashionable and unattractive",

and you go, "Well, is that what being a mum makes you?"

Is it something like you just become a nonsexual being?

Because you look at mums, and you go -

well, a mum, you could be talking about Angelina Jolie,

you could be talking about the Queen.

They're both filthy.

But it is that thing... PHILL LAUGHS

..you let yourself go - you do let yourself go a little bit, don't you?

There's a moment where you just think...

You know, you've got the dad bod,

and I remember whenever we - just after we got married,

I realised that I was settled, I was running down the beach,

we were on holiday, and there was this girl coming the other way,

and she had these little denim hot pants on, and a string bikini,

and she was walking her dog, and she was throwing the stick,

and I did that thing where I sucked in, you know?

And I was running past her, and she gave me this big smile,

and I looked back at her, and I went...

-"BLEEP

-I'd love a dog."

LAUGHTER

And that's...

-You just know.

-Yeah!

-So, here's my input.

-Yes.

I'm not settled - I thought I was settled, I was going out with...

I WAS batting above average, to be honest with you,

and then he dumped me for the most insulting reason I could imagine.

No, actually, it's not the most insulting reason,

but he decided that he preferred women.

-That's a bit...

-AUDIENCE GASPS

All right, it was the most insulting reason - I take that back.

That's a blow. I mean, I don't know how...

Well, it's not a blow, if he prefers women.

APPLAUSE

Yeah, but...

You're better than that, and you know you are.

-I know, I'm sorry, Phill!

-How dare you?

It was the Gary Lineker of comedy, I was two yards out...

You don't have to hit it if it's teed up, Paddy.

-It was going in, it was going in, Phill, I just...

-Christ!

-Oh, I know.

Oh, you goal hanger.

Is "Milf" an insult?

If the reviewer had said to you,

"Five stars, it's very Milfy comedy,"

how would you have reacted to that?

Hmm, being sexually objectified rather than sexually negated...

-Hmm...

-Yeah, love it.

-SUSAN:

-Which would you rather?

Oh, no, I'd like to be...

Well...a PERSON I'd like to - a "Pilf" would be fine.

I once... I swear, I was in a spa in Southern Ireland,

and there was two women, "There goes that Father O'Reilly -

"jeez, he's a Pilf."

LAUGHTER

So, finally, Susan, mm...

what is the word or phrase that you would like?

The phrase that I'd like binned is, "it's not rocket science".

Because, fundamentally, only one thing IS rocket science,

and that's rocket science.

Everyone knows how to do things in a particular way,

so, if you said to me, "Take apart that car,"

I'd say, "No, I can't,"

and a mechanic would say, "It's not rocket science,"

because they know how to do it.

Because we all have our own knowledge and speciality subject.

You know, if we were on Mastermind

we would all have very different things.

For me, it would be the television show Prime Suspect

starring Helen Mirren, which I know off by heart,

and often re-enact with my cats, that would be my specialist subject.

For other people, it might be mechanics -

and I think, by saying "it's not rocket science",

you're saying to the other person, "You're a bit stupid,"

and I just don't think that's a good way in life to be.

If I said to you, "I'm a doctor,"

just because I said I was a doctor...

-PAUL:

-Hello!

-SUSAN:

-Yes.

I do think that I'm as qualified as a doctor,

because I watch a lot of Casualty...

..and I practice being defibbed on my floor.

I practice because they don't have -

as I understand it, there is no machine,

that's the actors having to do it themselves...

-Yes.

-..so, I practice being defibbed.

Well, have a lie-up and give us a go at that. What's...?

How does this work?

LUCY SINGS CASUALTY THEME

Hang on, if I'm right... The first thing they do...

This is a very strange episode of Dr Phil.

They have these things called salmons, don't they?

And they put one on the heart and one about there, at right angles...

-Yeah.

-..and so, they put the paddles there and there...

-Yeah.

-OK, clear!

-Ooh!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Clear!

Agh!

One, two, three!

She's alive!

She's alive!

APPLAUSE

This is going to be tricky, audience.

You can only choose one by your enthusiasm and love.

So, first up we have Paul's "silent majority".

APPLAUSE

The majority WERE silent!

Many more people appreciated that than you think.

Weirdly, though, maybe if they were silent he would have won.

That's very true.

Let's try that again - "the silent majority".

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

It's not rocket science.

LAUGHTER

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Is it Phill's "big boned"?

APPLAUSE

Is it Lucy's "mumsy"?

APPLAUSE

Or Susan's "it's not rocket science"?

APPLAUSE

I can tell you that at the end of that,

we declare Mr Phill Jupitus the winner.

APPLAUSE

And our next round is called I'll Get Me Quote,

where regularity in some words of wisdom

from bestselling celebrity authors.

All they've got to do is work out who wrote what.

Susan and Phill, you are up first, and here be your quote.

That's the quote. Who do you think what wrote that?

Was it Kim Kardashian...

..Paul Hollywood...

Joey Essex...

or Russell Brand?

Who is Paul Hollywood?

-PAUL:

-It's a show about cake that you've not watched.

-SUSAN:

-It's...

AUDIENCE: Whoo!

-SUSAN:

-Paul Hollywood is a bit of eye candy for some

in The Great British Bake Off. And - do you know who Joey Essex is?

No, I've met him.

I was on a television show with him - I used to do a pop quiz,

and he asked this question - we were talking about beetroot,

and he looked at me and went, "Isn't that extinct?"

LAUGHTER

Now, I actually think he fakes being dumb,

because the boy is a millionaire.

I think he's not university bright,

but he deliberately says dumb things,

because they get quoted and people talk about him all the time.

-Yes.

-It gives him this weird kind of anti-notoriety.

I can hear - he would say like this, all right? He would go...

HE READS IN ESSEX ACCENT

LAUGHTER

-Russell Brand...

-Russell Brand, I know him.

-Now, I... My only experience of Russell Brand...

-Uh-huh.

..was I was booked last minute, I think it's fair to say,

to be his tour support.

I walked on, and someone mistakenly said,

"Ladies and gentlemen, Russell Brand," before I came on,

so I walked onto everyone going,

"Ohh, it's Russell Brand, it's Russell Brand!

"Why the fuck is Jimmy Krankie on my stage?!"

-The lady...

-Kim Kardashian.

-..is a baddy on Star Trek, that much I do know.

-Yes.

Is that... Is that Photoshop, or is that actually her?

-No, that's her arse.

-Amazing!

-Yeah.

When you're normal, you want a smaller arse,

-and when you're famous, you want a bigger arse.

-Hmm.

And people pay to have implants in their arse,

to have bigger arses...

I simply sit down a lot.

APPLAUSE

So... "I've had jeans that were way too tight."

-Now, this may just be me, Phill, and you can help me...

-OK.

..but I think that sounds like a boy.

A lady would never take their jeans off in the middle of the street

because they were too tight.

I think it's probably Joey Essex.

-Lucy and Paul, what we think about this?

-Well...

It's not Russell Brand and Joey Essex's fault

-that they are now seen as political gurus.

-Yes.

This is the thing that really disturbed me in the 2015 election -

it's how people were interviewed who were more famous for being famous

than they were for politics.

Well, the last thing you want to do is just hang around with someone

-who is famous for being famous, Paul.

-Aah!

-Who's that, Paul?

Er...

LAUGHTER

Oh, my God, oh, my God,

is he the one that you turned straight?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

He looks more pleased than you do to be there.

He looks more brown than I do, that's what...

LAUGHTER

So, have we got any thoughts on this?

I think it might be Russell...

If anybody is going to feel quite free

to talk about talking their jeans off in the street,

it's possibly him.

-He was probably just getting ready to shag someone.

-Yeah, exactly.

I think we ought to go for Russell Brand,

-and tried to nick a point off them.

-Yeah.

-So, you guys are going for...?

-Joey Essex.

I can tell you that the correct answer is...

-Joey Essex.

-Yes!

APPLAUSE

OK, Paul and Lucy, you're next - here's your quote...

..but who wrote that?

Was it George Michael...

Alan Sugar...

Cara Delevingne...

or Carol Vorderman?

Well, it's not George Michael,

cos he can't even tie his shoes together

without crashing a car into a shop window, so...

I don't think he'd make such an outlandish claim

as to his abilities in other areas.

-I...

-No.

-I don't think Alan Sugar can do calculus.

It's quite difficult, and he's not a bright man...

He's a powerful man,

but he doesn't come across as intellectually powerful.

Sugar can point and talk at the same time,

Vorderman - maths and arses,

Michael - songs, bad driving,

Delevingne - eyebrows and all the other things.

Hang on a second - Carol Vorderman did maths at university,

she wouldn't boast that she could do calculus,

she should have been able to do calculus from a very young age.

-I think it's Cara Delevingne...

-Cara Lovely-Eyebrows.

..the reason being that supermodels have a reputation

for not having any other talents -

a reputation based on an analysis of the life of Naomi Campbell...

LAUGHTER

..and so she's trying to buck that trend, and say, "Yes, I might be,

"I think, the second best-earning supermodel in the world behind..."

-Gisele.

-"..Gisele Bundchen,

"but I have a lot of other talents as well."

I remember having Naomi Campbell on a chat show here in Belfast -

it was about the time of the Garvaghy Road -

and... LAUGHTER

-Which way is this going?!

-..and her agent actually rang up

and said that Naomi wanted a police escort from the airport,

and police protection while she was in Belfast,

so we forwarded the request to the Chief Constable

and the Chief Constable wrote back and said,

"If Naomi would like to lead the parade up the Garvaghy Road..."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Yeah, I'm happy to go with Cara Delevingne.

I mean, she's an actor, she is a very good actor, and...

-let's go for her.

-Yeah.

-You're going for...?

-Cara Delevingne.

-Cara Delevingne.

-Guys?

-Alan Sugar prides himself on - if you watch The Apprentice -

"I'll call... You know, I'm just a guy from the street..."

That's my impression, thank you, you're very welcome.

-So, I don't think he would boast about qualifications.

-Mm.

-He prefers to say, "I just worked my way up."

-Yeah.

-You know, and so I don't think...

-A bit like Lucy and her old man.

LAUGHTER

So...

Yes, we're going to go for Carol Vorderman, I think.

OK, so, you're going for the Vorderman -

you're going for Cara Delevingne.

I can tell you that the correct answer is...

ALL GASP

-..Alan Sugar!

-Oh...

-Sugar.

-No way!

Alan Sugar, yeah.

Jeez!

Now, as we know, language can be used for both good and evil,

to inspire and seduce,

or to make us buy useless crap from the Home Shopping Channel

when we come in pissed from the pub, and in our next round,

we ask our teams to abandon the need of truth

and embrace the language of advertising

-to sell us a genuine item.

-OK.

First up...

BUZZER SOUNDS Hang on!

LAUGHTER Oh, sorry, that was me!

BUZZER SOUNDS

I was actually bending under the desk,

I was thinking, "Who's buzzing in now?!"

What kind of hellish quiz gives the host a buzzer?

-I know!

-How egocentric are you?

-BUZZER

-"I know! I know!

-"I have

-BLEEP!"

BUZZER

-"BLEEP

-Alan Sugar, you

-BLEEP

-idiot."

BUZZER

-"We'll be here all

-BLEEP

-night."

BUZZER

First up it is Susan and Phill, and here is your item.

-OK.

-Here it is.

-Oh, lordy.

-Wow.

-Wow.

-Wow.

-If you get one right, buzz in - point for each.

If you make it right the way through without them

predicting any of your words, we'll give you a bonus point.

Lucy and Paul writing frantically!

Feel free to put your pens down roughly any time now.

-And you're done.

-OK.

-Over to Phill and Susan.

-Thank you, Patrick!

-Thanks so much!

-Oh, isn't he lovely?

-Oh, lovely.

-He's lovely, isn't he, Susan?

-He's so...

-We love it when Paddy's on, don't we?

-He's so good!

I very much enjoyed Paddy's Diamonique Week.

It's a very, very special week that we're having,

because it's items for the young mothers watching, isn't it, Susan?

Yes!

LAUGHTER

You know those awkward moments where your breast is full of milk...

Do I?!

..but you have not yet spawned the child,

-and you wish to practise the suckling?

-That's right!

You can't just suckle a baby without any practice,

can you, Susan?!

This item allows me to gently insert my nipple

into the mouth of this training receptacle

If you're unfortunate enough to have an inverted nipple,

this chimera comes with a delicious set of claws,

and so, by revolving it on the breast,

it can turn the most inward nipple out in a trice.

We only have two left,

and one of them has had my nipple in it.

Call us now.

If you like, Susan will sign the back

of the one that she's had her nipple in -

which would increase the value,

-wouldn't it, Susan?!

-It would!

Call us now, OK?

APPLAUSE

OK, next it is Paul and Lucy,

and here is your item.

-This is a genuine item...

-Beautiful.

-..that can be purchased

on the internet, or in the back of the newspaper.

As you prepare to give us your best sales pitch,

Susan and Phill are writing down the words that they think you will use

-in the sales pitch. Are you ready, Luce?

-Yes, indeed.

Stop writing!

Stop!

-So many words!

-Wow.

-That's a lot of words.

-Lot of words.

-Here we go.

The... LAUGHTER

How have they done that?!

And...

-off you go.

-Well.

As we all know, this nation is becoming increasingly multicultural.

And as a result of that, weddings between communities

have gone up exponentially.

I even read in the Belfast Telegraph of a man from Antrim

marrying a woman from Tyrone, that is how...

-..multicultural...

-MAN IN AUDIENCE:

-Never!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It's always fantastic when true love blossoms

into the celebration of nuptials that is a contemporary wedding.

The problem being that you have to have a wedding-cake topper

that represents both communities.

-Lucia!

-Si! Grazia!

I am the Italian bride,

and I marry the English man.

Yeah, it's unlikely.

I might just drop the accent.

-Yeah.

-As you've dropped the accent, I'm going to go into my...

er, accent.

-STEREOTYPICAL INDIAN ACCENT:

-Hello there.

LAUGHTER

I was worried mine was racist, but this is good.

My name is Paul Sinha, and as you can tell from my accent, I am Welsh.

BUZZER

I find that offensive.

LAUGHTER

Er...no, seriously, I am obviously what a classic Brit looks like,

I have a drink problem and...

BUZZER

No!

Wow.

And we wanted something on the wedding cake

that celebrates both cultures.

And it is as simple at that.

This is the number-one item for Britalian weddings -

-ooh!

-Nice.

-Britalian weddings, and it's yours for a bargain price...

BUZZER

Oh, no!

Of?

40...liras.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-In old money!

You got "me".

-"Bile"?

-No, it's meant to say "bike".

But I just got excited and missed out some letters.

-"Sex toy".

-"Sex toy".

Sex toy. Yeah, we can see how you...

Well, you could roll it.

No!

LAUGHTER

Let's just see how this works.

No, no, no! No, no, no!

Wait, wait...wait!

Wait, wait!

Wait. And...

-go.

-No, no, no, no, no!

It's nice, isn't it?

Oh, yeah.

-Bit more, bit more.

-No! No!

-It's pretty good.

-I think we've found a better use for it

than a cake decoration, I have to say.

APPLAUSE

And that means that tonight's winners are Susan and Phill!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Commiserations, well played, to Lucy and to Paul.

Before we go, if you think you've used some bad language in your time,

remember, it could be a lot worse, with bad language like this.

PATRICK READS MESSAGE IN "AMERICAN" ACCENT

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That's all we've got time for.

Big thanks to tonight's teams - Susan Calman, Phill Jupitus,

Paul Sinha and Lucy Porter.

I'm Patrick Kielty - goodnight!