Episode 2 Bad Language

MUSIC: Scatman (Ski Ba Bop Ba Dop Bop) by Scatman John

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome to Bad Language,

the show all about everyday words, phrases and sayings,

but don't panic, I'm in charge,

so it will be less dictionary corner and more Alphabetti spaghetti.

Helping me eat my words this evening,

we have team captain, Susan Calman, and Des Clarke.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

And with team captain, Paul Sinha, it is Marcus Brigstocke.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

We kick off with our first round,

entitled Osama bin Language... GUNSHOTS FIRE

..where we ask our teams to nominate a word or a phrase

that they think is a menace to society and should be taken out.

Then our highly intellectual audience will decide...

LAUGHTER ..which one should be removed

permanently from conversation.

Paul, you're up first -

what word or phrase would you like to see binned?

This one really gets me annoyed.

The phrase is 'ordinary hard-working families',

the specific context being MPs that try and convince you

they're with the people by saying,

"We're just trying to work for ordinary hard-working families."

If you want to gain people's popularity,

don't call them ordinary -

there's no such thing as ordinary.

My family is extraordinary, all of our families are extraordinary,

everybody in this room is extraordinary.

We're all miracles.

Think of the number of things our mum and dad could have done

instead of creating us all those years ago.

We are all a one-in-a-million chance.

I could never call my family ordinary.

I mean, they inspired me to become a doctor.

My great-grandad was a doctor, my grandad was a doctor,

my dad is a doctor, my mum, a massive fan of Holby City.

-They...

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The last thing I would ever do is look at them

and go, "You're ordinary."

They travelled thousands of miles from Calcutta to London

to make a better life for themselves,

and they had, you know, years later...

I came out of the closet to my parents...

I'm gay - it wasn't a practical joke.

I came out of the closet to my parents,

and I was expecting devastation and rejection.

Instead, they're trying to arrange me a husband.

-So it's...

-LAUGHTER

-Everybody's...

-APPLAUSE

And then there is families.

I've got no intention of having children at all.

Do you where we end up, people who can't start families?

At a wedding, on that table that's called miscellaneous.

12 people sat around who have no idea who each other are -

that is where we end up being.

I'm a veteran of that table because they think it's funny

to have me sat next to the other gay man at the wedding,

and we never have anything in common.

It's always me who has to break the ice

by praising him on conducting such a beautiful service.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thanks, Paul.

So, Susan, which word or phrase

would you like to see in the bin of Bad Language?

The phrase I'd like to see in the bin of Bad Language

is 'Isn't he/she a character?'

The reason for that is it is used frequently by parents

to excuse the behaviour of their children.

Like, on the quiet coach of a train,

feral children are climbing all over you, touching you, right?

They're climbing, and you look at the parent

with a kind of a..."Erm..."

And they go, "Oh, isn't she a wee character?"

"No, she's a psychopath."

LAUGHTER

And then they're running

and watching Peppa Pig with no headphones.

I have chosen never to see Peppa Pig in my life,

-but I know Peppa Pig...

-That's you and David Cameron.

-Yeah!

-LAUGHTER

-That's true.

-Just straight out with this.

We always watch it. Context has changed.

I've got children,

and I use my children to shame other children in public.

-Cos they're well-behaved?

-Not always.

Sometimes you can undermine other children

by deploying your own.

LAUGHTER

My son's a good farter, for example.

I'll get him to move near to a girl, fart

and move away, and then we'll all point at her.

-LAUGHTER

-Can he fart on demand?

-Yeah.

What he can't do is not fart on demand.

It's basically, it's that Irish... With the Irish thing for it is,

"Oh, Jesus, your man's great craic."

-Yeah.

-It's kind of, you know,

Irish people could spend a weekend with Pete Doherty or anybody at all,

at the end of it go,

"Oh, well know, like, your man, Pete Doherty,

"like, he takes a drink - he's good craic."

-And he likes good crack as well.

-And does like good crack.

That's like my childhood.

My mum's from Donegal and my dad is from Louth,

so I'm lucky to be alive, to be honest with you.

But also, I think that parents have a duty

to try and toughen you up.

So, this character thing, I think you're right -

it's softening the blow.

If you're a wee shite,

I think you need to know that early doors.

-LAUGHTER

-Hang on...

Am I the only parent on this panel?

-Have any of you... Have you got kids?

-No.

-I'm the only one with kids?

-Yeah.

-I don't. I could get some, but...

-LAUGHTER

I wasn't...

I wasn't shopping.

OK, Marcus, what word or phrase

would you like to see banished from the language?

Well, now, this is a bit tricky.

I might have made a terrible error here,

because the word I'd really like to see banished

is overuse of the word yourself,

and we're recording this in Northern Ireland.

But what it is, right...

someone told someone in service a few years ago

to use 'yourself' instead of 'you'

because it's more polite or something.

So, you end up with a load of bollocks that makes no sense at all.

"Would yourself like a beverage for yourself?"

And it doesn't mean anything.

What they mean is, "Would you like a drink?"

"Yes, I would like a drink."

They end up with this garbled stuff,

this overuse of words that people assume are sort of posh or better.

Like on a train when they'll say, "Alight from the train."

No-one alights from it.

You get on, you get off - that's it. You don't alight from the train.

So, 'yourself' is the one,

but I'm well aware that I have misjudged this MASSIVELY.

LAUGHTER

I've pretty much built my career on that.

So, this whole notion of 'yourself' -

is this something that you agree with, Des, or...?

-No, I like it.

-Mm?

I think it's good,

-cos if it's not yourself, it might be somebody else.

-Mm.

-LAUGHTER

-But what's wrong with 'you'?

I don't mean what's wrong with you. I mean what's wrong with 'you'?

-How long have we got?

-Would you like a drink?

A drink, a drink - not beverage, as well.

Who do you know who has a beverage?

Wankers.

Wankers have beverages - people have drinks.

Says the man who brought camomile tea onto the stage.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

We've got to show this.

-This is what Marcus has brought out.

-This is, in fairness...

No, that is a camomile tea.

There's the posh English team versus the scummy Glaswegians.

-We've got lager.

-(BLEEP!)

-yous, all right?

LAUGHTER

And then I said I'd like a proper tea,

and they've brought me a Barry's... but just the bag...

..to presumably put in my mouth and suck what goodness I can out of it.

Don't you think, though, that...

I didn't know that was a teabag - I thought she'd given him a condom.

I did as well.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You see, in Ireland, it's a different thing, isn't it?

Because we have that thing of, 'it's yourself', isn't it?

Is that a Scottish thing?

Or, "Oh, Jesus, it's yourself."

"You're looking awful like yourself."

LAUGHTER That's...

That's another one that...

You're looking like yourself?

Yeah, in Dundrum, where I'm from, like, people will say to you,

"Oh, jeez, Des, you're looking awful like yourself."

You see, I take that as an insult.

I wouldn't...

"You're looking like yourself." "How dare you. I'm not."

-But it's quite...

-Yeah, you do get told,

"Oh, you don't look yourself today."

-You think, "Well, who the

-(BLEEP!)

-do I look like?"

It's quite tricky, though.

You go to America, and there's stuff you can say here

-and there is stuff you can't say in America.

-Yeah.

You know, like, in Ireland, you can say

"Jeez, you're looking awful like yourself,"

but, in Beverly Hills,

you can't say to anybody that they look like themselves.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-You really can't.

-You really can't.

It's... It really does depend on where you are in the country.

So, for example, in Scotland - and possibly here -

we use the word wee a lot. "She's a wee lassie."

I love the word wee.

I think the word wee is one of the nicest little words that we have.

Well, if you're in Glasgow, and you're in a hotel room at night

and you go, "Can you get me that wee prostitute?"

What a speciality type of prostitute I'd be.

Very definitely the Jimmy Krankie type.

Pay extra and I'll sit on your knee.

AUDIENCE GROAN AND LAUGH

I remember being in a hotel room one night and I was quite drunk...

It's well before I was married. And...

LAUGHTER

I realise I've started something here I didn't...

And, you know, I was on...

You know, I was googling vintage cars, and...

-And you found an Escort?

-..and Escorts came up.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And I remember thinking...

It was in Las Vegas, and, you know, prostitution's legal,

so, you know, I thought, if it's legal it can't be immoral...

BUZZER RINGS Oh!

Sorry, you've just pressed the whore button.

LAUGHTER

And so I picked up the phone at the side of the bed

and I rang the number, and I said,

"I'm looking for your two Russian twins, Misty and Crystal.

"I like the whips and the chains

"and a bit of girl on boy and boy on girl

"and girls who like boys and boys who like girls.

"I've got 500 bucks left. Can they be here in half an hour?"

And the voice at the end of the phone said,

"I don't think that'll be a problem, Mr Kielty,

"but you do need 9 for an outside line."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, Des, what word or phrase would you like to see got rid of and why?

It's the phrase 'glorious failure'.

I'm in the right country, I think, to talk about this.

My nation of Scotland and this fine nation of Northern Ireland

knows all about glorious failure.

It's a term that's come to describe everything we do in sport ever.

Now, what it's come to suggest is

that it's all right to be bad at things.

You know, "Well done, you did all right, but you lost."

It's celebrating failure,

and it's now coming to life in all sorts of shapes and forms.

Like, for Scotland, the football team,

they get beat, but they play well.

Like, they played against Brazil and played well,

cos they always do against the good teams

and just get beat at the last minute.

I was at the game. There was actually an incident during it

where we, the Tartan Army, the Scotland fans

were accused, falsely, of racism

cos somebody in the crowd threw a banana at a Brazil player.

It was proved a lot of nonsense cos the very idea that

somebody from Scotland would buy fruit is ridiculous, right?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Before Andy Murray, we won nothing.

-Nothing.

Like, when we got the Commonwealth Games,

I thought, "Oh, here we go."

I think we only got given those games cos they turned up in Glasgow,

saw all of us walking about in tracksuits

and thought, "Oh, they must be sporty." Well...

But it flips, doesn't it?

Cos you mentioned Andy Murray there, right?

And I remember, I was in Scotland during the 2012 Olympics

when Andy Murray played two Olympic finals in one day.

And in the mixed doubles they got silver,

and in the singles heat, he won the gold, and it was amazing.

And I watched it on the Scottish news - it was fantastic.

-IN SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-"A tremendous day for Andy Murray today

-"who took gold for Scotland and silver for Team GB."

-Yes!

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-It was brilliant, it was brilliant.

I have actually witnessed, with my own eyes, a glorious failure.

It happened about a year and a half ago,

and it happened on an episode of Celebrity Chase

where this really, really good player

came and took a higher offer

-and their team scored 21...

-That's right.

..but for some reason, I was just on form that day,

and I caught up with them with about ten seconds to go

-and stopped charity...

-That's right.

-..from earning £100,000.

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh...

-Do you know how that made me feel?

-Like a king.

-And I'm really sorry, Marcus.

Who was on that episode? Oh, yeah, that's right, it was me.

-What was the charity?

-Oh, it doesn't matter now - they've gone under.

-Actually... Do you know what?

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Do you know what? They genuinely have - it was Kids Company.

It's very tricky, though, isn't it?

To come to Belfast,

a place that actually built a boat that didn't get there,

-and we built...a museum...

-Yeah!

-..and visitor centre too.

We are the epitome of glorious failure.

-It nearly got there.

-It did nearly get there, yeah.

It was all right when it left us, without any...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, it is time to vote.

It is over to you,

our handsome yet intelligent studio audience

to decide which word or phrase goes into the bin of Bad Language.

So, is it, 'Isn't he/she character?'

-Oh, I got nothing.

-MUTED CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Is it 'yourself', Marcus?

INCREASED CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

They're harsh tonight, I'll tell you that.

Is it 'glorious failure' from Des?

FURTHER MUTED CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Let's hope... LAUGHTER

Wouldn't it have been brilliant if they just went,

"No, don't fancy any of those."

Is it Paul's 'ordinary hard-working families'?

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Well played.

Our next round is called I'll Get Me Quote,

where we give our team some words of wisdom

from bestselling celebrity authors.

All they have to do is work out who wrote what.

Paul and Marcus, you're going first, and here's your quote.

Who is it?

Jeremy Corbyn,

Jeremy Clarkson,

Sarah Palin

or Mel Gibson?

I can't see Jeremy Corbyn suggesting

that we should conquer France, really.

I mean, he has got some brilliantly insane ideas.

One of the things he wants to do is reopen a lot of the coal mines,

including ones that've been flooded.

And I was talking to some Welsh guys,

in a mining town, and they were like...

-IN WELSH ACCENT:

-"Yeah, we were dead proud of

"what we did as a mining community, you know?

"But I'm a strong swimmer, but frankly, fuck that."

And you can't blame them. So, I can't...

He's got some mad ideas,

-but I don't think he'd want to conquer France.

-No.

I'm not sure Sarah Palin would be aware that France is a thing.

LAUGHTER

Palin is...wonderful.

She's a wonderful...

Well, she had her own calendar where she posed with rifles and stuff.

We would never have that in British politics. And...

-I think we've had it here.

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The French are funny - that's the other thing.

British people think the French have no sense of humour -

they are hilarious.

You know the French wrote the European Constitution?

And then voted no on it.

I mean, how funny is that? Every page... It's true.

They came up with it,

and every page was skewed in favour of the French economy,

and then they put it to the French people,

-and they went, "Non!"

-HE CACKLES

-IN FRENCH ACCENT:

-We are crazy people.

What do we think, Paul?

Well, it's between Palin and Clarkson, I think. Go on.

I think it's Jeremy Clarkson.

I think someone bought him a croissant and it was cold,

-and he said...

-LAUGHTER

"My gut reaction is we must at least consider

"the possibility of conquering France."

Either that or he couldn't figure out

the central locking system on a Citroen.

LAUGHTER

-Er, guys?

-I think it's Palin.

-Yeah.

-OK.

I can tell you that the person who wrote that quote was...

-Ah...

-Jeremy Clarkson. There we go.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Well done, Paul. Well done, Marcus.

Susan and Des, here comes your quote.

So, who said that?

Was it Gregg Wallace...

Justin Bieber...

Lance Armstrong...

-or Katie Hopkins.

-Oh!

-Eurgh!

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh...

-LAUGHTER

-Yeah...

-Let's start with Katie Hopkins...

-OK.

..cos her track record is

-essentially to insult people, isn't it?

-Mm-hm.

In order to get paid for work.

-That's how she makes a living, yeah.

-Absolutely.

And personally speaking, I think she's so vile

that's all the airtime I'd like to give her.

-So...

-CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

-Gregg Wallace.

-Yeah.

-Well, he does eat things...fast.

-He does eat things!

-He does... That's all he does...

-Yeah.

-..is eat things.

-I mean, he went on that Strictly Come Dancing...

-Yeah.

..in the shiny outfit

-and he looked like an Easter egg.

-He did.

-Lance Armstrong.

-Oh...

-Ah...

Now, he has built his career on speed -

-I think that was one of the drugs.

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Justin Bieber.

-He gets a hard time.

-He does.

It's tough for him,

cos he's had to be at every single ever Justin Bieber concert.

That's true.

Look at him with his crazy hat.

I mean, that's a man that knows how to party.

You would get the shit kicked out of you

if you wore that hat in Glasgow.

I'm edging towards Justin Bieber,

because it sounds like the kind of thing,

like, a young person would say

-to brag about how crazy their life is.

-OK.

-Can I ask you, you, you live in America sometimes.

-Sometimes...

-Sometimes. Sometimes I see...

-..Dundrum.

LAUGHTER Very similar place.

Sometimes I see people on American television,

-and they've obviously had their teeth done...

-Yes.

..so that their top lip is then sort of bulging,

and they don't speak properly because they've had their...

-Like that?

-Yeah. Is that because people get their... Cos...

-IN AMERICAN ACCENT:

-You're looking like yourself.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, what do we reckon, guys?

We said Justin Bieber.

-PAUL:

-Linguistically sounds like it might be Gregg Wallace.

-We're going to go with Gregg Wallace.

-OK.

I can tell you the correct answer is...

-It was Lance Armstrong!

-Oh!

APPLAUSE

And at the end of that round, the points go to Paul and to Marcus.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Now, as we all know,

language can be used for both good and for evil,

to inspire and seduce

or to make us buy useless crap from the home shopping channel

when we come in pissed from the pub.

And in our next round, we ask our teams to abandon their scruples

and embrace the language of advertising

to sell us a range of genuine items.

-So, first of all, Susan and Des...

-Yeah.

-..here is your item.

-Oh...

-AUDIENCE WHOOPS

-It is a genuine item...

-You can't have it!

-..that is available for purchase...

-Wow.

..on the internet in this great country.

Paul and Marcus, you've got a few seconds

to write down as many words as you think

Des and Susan will use in their sales pitch.

Each one you get correct - buzz in, we'll give you a point.

And pens down. Here we go.

Hello, and welcome.

It's three o'clock in the morning, but the party's still going on here

at Glasgow's very own home shopping channel.

Yes, well, known as

the Scottish Home Interactive Television Experience - or SHITE...

LAUGHTER

-What an item of SHITE we have for you.

-Absolutely.

I know we what you're thinking yourself about this.

It's not going to be a glorious failure either.

And she's quite a character.

LAUGHTER

This is one of the finest educational tools

that you will ever work with.

Please, if you're watching now, just home from the pub

and you've though about the dangers of drugs...

..and you're having a look at this thinking,

"Aye, they've definitely kicked in." Well...

-..that's the desired effect, because...

-Absolutely.

-..this is what someone looks like on the drugs.

-Yes.

LAUGHTER

What you'll notice is it is the body of a lassie

and the face of not a lassie.

LAUGHTER

Just say no, lassies,

cos this is what you'll end up looking like.

Thank you for watching. We've only got one of them.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Very good.

-Paul and Marcus, you are next...

-Can't wait for this.

..and here is your quality item.

Hmm...

It's a serving plate.

Susan and Des, if you can write down as many words as you think

the lads will use in their sales pitch.

What is it?

-Oh...

-LAUGHTER

OK, pens down.

-Would you like to dress me, Marcus?

-Very much.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Oh! Oh!

AUDIENCE MEMBER WOLF WHISTLES

-There you go.

-That's it.

-WOMAN:

-Take your top off!

Yes! AUDIENCE CHEERS

You are so barking up the wrong tree, love.

Marcus, when someone tunes in and it's just you

and all you're wearing is that,

they'll look at the telly and go, "Oh, it's yourself!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, guys. Any time you're ready, your pitch, please.

My dad loves proverbs, and one of his favourite proverbs is,

"Paul, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade,"

which is why he was diagnosed with insulin-dependent diabetes in 1974.

The problem with diabetes is it complicates your life so much,

cos you're constantly on insulin

and your blood sugar levels go up and down and up and down,

and how that interferes with your plans cannot be underestimated.

-Type I or Type II - we have the solution.

-Absolutely.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now, imagine...

AUDIENCE WHOOPS

Imagine you want to go on a sunny holiday to the French Riviera...

Do you want some of the sweets?

LAUGHTER

Give it to me.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

My agent called me,

said they're making a new panel show about language -

the use of language,

the structure and derivation of phrases and words.

It's lovely to be here.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

For figures, beach holidays,

you want to look your best on a beach holiday.

-Of course.

-That's the important thing.

But is it practical when you have to constantly monitor

your blood sugar levels?

If you give yourself the wrong dose of insulin,

you end up in a hypoglycaemic shock.

Now, what better way to avoid that problem

than to have glucose actually on your bikini?

-BUZZER RINGS

-Oh, yes, of course.

Point for bikini, yeah.

-So, what we have here is the edible minge.

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER Oh...

Chow down and cheer yourself up - that's what we're saying.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

AUDIENCE MEMBER WOLF WHISTLES

-Are they those fizzy sweets?

-I don't know - I haven't tried one.

Would you like a little...

Do you find this off-putting or unsettling?

You can have some of the anal beads if you want.

Two of them have gone in, so I'd ignore those ones.

I don't eat sugar, but you'd be welcome to...

You'd be welcome to have a little nibble while she watches.

LAUGHTER

-LAUGHING:

-No!

I mean...

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

We will never speak of this again.

LAUGHTER

OK, so we've got a few words.

We've got here, this is...

Ordinary working families, just in case...

Thank God you told me what that said.

I looked at it quickly, and I thought it read old worn fanny.

I was... LAUGHTER

-Shiny.

-Sorry, I have to just qualify this.

See, when they took it out,

-I thought the item was the shiny thing.

-Yeah, yeah.

LAUGHTER

Well, you'll see, obviously, after shiny, I've put...helmet.

-Now...

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Ironically, I'm now surprised that that didn't come up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Well, believe me, I think it did.

LAUGHTER

It's the candy bra and G-string set.

Wow.

Who do we think the customer is for this?

I think it's a Mother's Day gift.

I think it's the sort of thing you'd find in

a hen party, stag do end of your kind of sexy shop,

Ann Summers-y type...

Did you say Hindu?

-No, hen do.

-Oh, sorry.

That's an important, an important clarification, yeah.

You know, if you're going either on a stag do or a Hindu...

My sister went on a Hindu...

What? Er, yeah.

-Any idea on the price?

-Yeah, I would say 12.99.

Something around the tenner mark, so 12.99.

£8, £8 - no more, no more. £8.

-We're definitely going for £8.

-£8.

-100%.

I can tell you the price we paid for it was £10.

-Oh! So, it was between the two.

-There it is.

And that means that tonight's winners are Paul and Marcus.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Commiserations to Susan and Des.

And before we go,

if you think you've used some bad language in your time,

remember it could be a lot worse, using bad language like this.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

That's all we have time for.

A big thanks to tonight's teams.

To Susan, to Des, to Paul and to Marcus.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

I'm Patrick Kielty. Thank you very much. Good night.

MUSIC: Scatman (Ski Ba Bop Ba Dop Bop) by Scatman John