Episode 3 Bad Language

APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to Bad Language -

the show all about everyday words, phrases and sayings.

As always tonight, looking for the right words to say

in the wrong order, we have our two teams.

Please welcome team captain Susan Calman with Rich Hall.

APPLAUSE

And with captain Paul Sinha, it's Mark Watson.

APPLAUSE

We kick off our first round, entitled Osama Bin Language.

GUNFIRE

Where we ask our teams to nominate a word or phrase

that they think is a menace to society and should be taken out.

Then our highly intellectual audience will decide

which one of these words or phrases will be permanently

removed from conversation. Susan, you are up first.

Your word or phrase that you would like to see

in the bin of bad language.

In the bin of bad language, I would like to see a phrase

which my mother uses quite frequently

in relation to me, which is, "What's wrong with you now?"

Which indicates that there was something wrong with your face

beforehand, as my mother would not say.

So, it's what people say, and what they're really saying is,

"Oh, for goodness' sakes, you're looking miserable again."

It is not a caring way

of asking somebody if there's something wrong with them.

It's weird, isn't it? Cos here, in this country, we have problems.

But in America, they have issues, don't they?

That's a weird thing,

that kind of problems that they just refuse to solve.

Yeah.

Uh... Yeah. Yeah, there we go. LAUGHTER

We all...

I think it's partly because, again, I don't know about here,

but there's a slight repression about talking about emotions.

For example, and this is true, my mother told me

about the facts of life by putting a pop-up book under my door.

Then the next morning went, "Did you get the book? Any questions? No.

"Let's move on."

And that was how we dealt with sex, which was basically,

"There's a book. Any questions? Let's all move on."

When was your first kiss? When was...?

My first kiss, I thought I'd better try

whether or not I liked boys or not.

The first time I had a kiss, he'd just eaten an apple.

When he kissed me, I got apple in my mouth from his mouth.

GROANING I know.

And I didn't kiss anyone after that for four years.

LAUGHTER Well, I was 16.

It was behind the youth club, if anybody knows in Dundrum,

just in behind where they have the car-boot sale. And...

LAUGHTER This...

I guess the mood was just right.

The mood was just right. And so, I muddled through.

And because you're a little bit older, you're not quite sure,

you know? And you sort of do that fumbly thing.

But, you know, we both quite liked it

and we agreed we'd meet again.

So, I went home for my tea and he went and said mass and we...

LAUGHTER

And we...

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

You guys quite like sharing.

Americans quite like sharing their emotions. Sure.

LAUGHTER

Hello and welcome to One Word Answers.

What do we think of Susan's phrase, "What's wrong?"

Do we agree with this, Paul?

I want to point out I was a GP as well.

That was my stock question to any patient that came in.

LAUGHTER "What's wrong with you now?"

To be fair, that's justifiable

if they're coming for the 18th time that week.

No bitterness. I was glad to leave the profession.

It was actually estimated

that I saved the lives of over 5,000 patients as a GP

when I left the career in medicine.

LAUGHTER

Thanks, Susan.

Mark, what's the word you would like to see binned?

I mean, this is a pretty common word

so it's maybe hard to imagine it in the bin,

but I'd like to see off the word "crazy"

because I think people just now use it to mean the tamest things.

It pops up in songs. Like that song,

"Hey, I just met you and this is crazy."

But all it is is, "Here's my number, so call me maybe."

And you think, "That's..."

If you've just met someone and you wouldn't mind meeting them again

then swapping numbers, I wouldn't call that crazy.

The song should go, "This is good admin."

LAUGHTER Or if it's crazy, it should be,

"Hey, I just met you. I've written my name in shit on your garage."

LAUGHTER

And they're all like that, you know.

"This is the closest to crazy I've ever been."

And again, all it means is I feel a bit giddy

when someone I love is there, which, again, is not crazy at all.

It should be, "This is the closest thing to crazy, you know,

"I've just bought a hawk

"and I'm just waving it around in the supermarket."

There's an island called Arran off the coast of Scotland.

AUDIENCE MEMBER CHEERS Yes. I live near there.

You're what?

No, carry on. Shoot.

No, what was brilliant about that was that she actually whooped

and put her hand up and you thought she was from there,

but she went, "I've been there." LAUGHTER

You've been to Arran? No, I live near Arran.

You live near Arran. Oh, sorry.

And they've got a crazy golf on Arran.

And they've got one representation of the Forth Rail Bridge

made out of old Irn Bru cans.

And that's what makes it crazy. That is pretty crazy.

Have you played the golf, madam?

Have you played the golf on the Isle of Arran?

No, I've actually never been to Arran. She's never been there.

LAUGHTER

Generally, people who say they're crazy are not.

True crazy is the people who are pretending that they're not crazy

and are actually trying to give you a compliment.

Those are the ones that...

If someone says, "You're OK in my book,"

you would go, "Oh, great."

And then realise, "This person is writing a book...

LAUGHTER

"..of people who are OK and people who aren't."

Probably a lot of pictures of the people who they think are OK.

His room is plastered with pictures and your clothing sizes.

Your name put up in, like, ransom note letters.

So, if someone says, "You're OK in my book,"

get the fuck away from them.

They're writing a book.

APPLAUSE

Thanks, Mark.

Rich, what is your word or phrase?

The word we need to get rid of is "antidisestablishmentarianism."

And I'm going to tell you why.

Cos antidisestablishmentarianism is a word that is just showing off.

It's just a word that's going, "Hey, look at me!"

What the hell does that mean? It doesn't matter what it means.

What it means is, it's the biggest word in the English language.

It doesn't have to mean... Oh, you got a big word?

Quintessential? BOOM!

Septuagenarian. Goodbye.

I'm antidisestablishmentarianism, BLEEP!

I have two self-negating prefixes in my name. What do you got?

What are you bringing to the party? Nothing.

I'm the word who's done so much coke,

I'm going to spend the rest of the night talking about myself.

That is what antidisestablishmentarianism means.

I'm happy to go along with Rich's suggestion instead of mine.

APPLAUSE

I just keep... Sorry, just in case anyone...

The desk is actually slightly broken.

Did I do that? Just to...

LAUGHTER

I think, if you're the compiler of the Oxford English Dictionary,

and you were asked your thoughts on antidisestablishmentarianism,

you're allowed to say, "Well, it's OK in my book."

I think that's... LAUGHTER

I think that's absolutely fair.

You're estimating the word as worthless

which means you're partaking in floccinaucinihilipilification,

which is 29 letters, one more than antidisestablishmentarianism.

Oh, it's on. It's on.

I'm really sorry, Rich. I'm afraid you haven't beat the chaser.

LAUGHTER

Personally speaking,

I absolutely agree with Rich on a number of levels.

But I like to have conversations with people where

I can understand what they're talking about.

I'm a tiny human being. I'm 4ft 11. Tiny.

And so people look down on me and patronise me.

Do you know one of the most common things people do to me?

Genuine. People ruffle my hair.

I'm 40 years old and people come up to me

and you can see them wanting to do it. They go...

LAUGHTER

And so I hate being patronised by people.

And one of the ways people do it is by using incredibly long words

to show they have knowledge.

I think Rich has got a brilliant point for a number of reasons.

And I think he's amazing and very, very masculine and lovely.

APPLAUSE

SHE GROANS

LAUGHTER

SHE CACKLES

And finally, Paul.

The phrase I'd like to see binned is, "It's before my time."

Or more specifically, "It's before my time, Bradley."

It's something people say on the show that I'm on - The Chase -

and a lot of people laugh at the stupid answers.

The stupid answers are part of the joy of the show.

But you also get a generation of -

sorry about the younger people in the room -

younger quizzers who go on and they get a question like,

"Dying in 1945,

"which former German leader's name rhymes with Adolf Shitler?

"Is it Adolf Hitler, Bobby Davro, Russell Brand?"

And they go, "Well, I've only heard of Russell Brand.

"Hitler is a bit before my time."

It's that stock thing that young people say to justify the fact

that they haven't heard of something that's technically rather important.

The planet has been around, well...

This could be a bit controversial.

The planet has been around for a long time.

Geologists think about four to five billion years.

The Bible says a few thousand years.

Statistically, that's what a lot of this room will believe.

Good luck with that. And... LAUGHTER

And Man United fans believe the world started in 1993.

So, there's a difference.

ALL: Ooooh!

There's a difference of opinion.

That is more dangerous than the religion bit.

What do you think, Rich? Anybody can say pretty much anything

and I can't say, "That was before my time."

LAUGHTER

But nonetheless, people shouldn't be allowed to dismiss

everything that happened before they were born.

I want to get rid of it as a lazy, defiantly ignorant way

of justifying the fact that you've never heard of The Beatles.

I would like to get rid of, "Before my time, Bradley."

APPLAUSE

It's very good. A very good suggestion.

So, now it is over to our audience.

Our audience of learned scholars will now decide

which phrase goes into the bin of bad language.

So, first up, we have Susan's "What's wrong with you now?"

APPLAUSE

Solid. That's all right. Solid.

Mark's "crazy."

MILD APPLAUSE

They're not so crazy about that. They're not.

No, I feel like... Look, everyone in this room is terrified of Rich.

Let's see what happens. LAUGHTER

"Antidisestablishmentarianism."

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

"It's before my time, Bradley."

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's very close, but I think we do have a winner,

and it's Rich with antidisestablishmentarianism.

APPLAUSE

Our next round is called I'll Get Me Quote -

where we give our teams some words of wisdom

from bestselling celebrity authors.

All they've got to do is work out who wrote what.

OK, Susan, here is your quote.

LAUGHTER

Those are the words but who said it?

OK. SNORTING LIKE PIG

LAUGHTER

Is it David Cameron,

Benedict Cumberbatch,

Boris Johnson,

or Spencer from Made In Chelsea?

David Cameron, of course, famously had an encounter with a pig.

Or allegedly had an encounter with a pig.

The problem is with this... Who hasn't?

LAUGHTER

Basically, he put his cock in a pig's mouth.

We may as well just say it instead of saying allegedly.

Apparently... How do we know it's its mouth?

What if he just slapped it on its head? That's just like...

Because I think the point was...

Now, I'm not a gentleman and I don't have a gentleman's appendage.

Well, I do, but it goes in the dishwasher.

LAUGHTER And...

If I said to you,

"Mark, put your appendage on top of a pig's head..."

Yeah, or? "Or in a pig's head, which would you rather do?"

I'd say, "Is there a third option?"

LAUGHTER

I'm just glad it was a female pig,

cos a male pig would've been an abomination in the eyes of the Lord.

Yeah. Yeah. LAUGHTER

It's all part of that kind of privileged Eton-Oxford background

where they have these initiation rituals.

And I don't think Benedict Cumberbatch

would ever, ever, ever talk like that,

because I love him and I don't...

There's a forensic way to go about this.

"Want to buy some porn?" he asked. "It's a tenner."

What you need to do...

is look at the different timeframes

and figure out at which point was porn a tenner?

A tenner, right.

LAUGHTER

Cameron and Boris, I can attest that they would be the oldest.

And at that point,

I know for a fact that Shaved Asian Midgets was only 7.95.

LAUGHTER

Benedict being the next generation...

LAUGHTER

D-do boys not share porn around?

Do you not, like...? LAUGHTER

No-one would ever dream of passing me porn.

It would make them think they were uncool forever.

Porn to you is an encyclopaedia, basically.

Absolutely, yeah. "Oh, state capitals."

My dad's medical schoolmate's son showed me

a box which was labelled on the outside "Star Wars toys"

and on the inside was a massive stash of porn.

It's not surprising that I've never watched a Star Wars film again.

LAUGHTER

Rich, who do you think said it?

I think it's the Made In Chelsea guy and I'm just, you know,

I'm just going purely on instinct. OK.

I don't know who the guy is, but he's in Made In Chelsea

so everything I don't know about him, I already don't like.

LAUGHTER

And it sounds like the kind of thing where he's telling a blokey story,

but really he's just wanting everyone to know he went to Eton.

Yeah. It's that kind of, you know,

"I'll just gloss this over that I went to Eton by throwing in

"this sort of everyday, normal guy story about porn."

The subtext here is he went to Eton, so screw him.

I absolutely go along with that. Absolutely go along with that.

Mark, you went to Cambridge.

Yeah, that's the sort of information that normally makes me

popular in a group. LAUGHTER

Were there any initiation ceremonies there?

One time, I fucked a squirrel, but, like...

LAUGHTER It was just very...

We think this could be Boris. Can I put my Chase head on?

You can put your Chase head on.

David Cameron was born in 1964,

which means I think his teenage years would be exactly

when a porn mag was worth about a tenner.

However, that's not the sort of babe that he goes for, as we now know.

Boris Johnson, I think, I'm not sure,

I think is about the same age,

which makes me think he's more likely to admit it

in an autobiography as he's tried to be the funny, fun-loving Boris

in a way that David Cameron wouldn't be. Yeah.

And one of the problems with Benedict Cumberbatch, I think,

is that he went to Harrow, so I don't think it's him.

I think it's more likely to be BoJo.

So, you guys are going for...?

Spencer.

I can tell you that the answer is

Spencer Matthews from Made In Chelsea.

APPLAUSE

Paul's team, you're up next.

And here is your quote.

But who wrote it?

Is it Vladimir Putin,

Kanye West,

Alex Ferguson,

or Mary Berry?

Well, Mary Berry is power crazed, we know that.

Vladimir Putin just wouldn't say it, would he?

He would just think it. He would just think it.

Very homophobic man.

I don't really care for Vladimir Putin very much.

What, you mean you don't like him like that?

LAUGHTER

Have you seen that photo of him on a horse?

To be fair, that would turn anyone on. That's gay icon.

Let's be honest, if anybody's got a poster

of Tom Daley in their bedroom,

it's Vladimir Putin really, isn't it?

LAUGHTER

But the thing is, we had the David Beckham thing, didn't you?

Ferguson had a track record of getting rid of people that...

What makes him so attractive? What is it?

Because he's got some terrible tattoos.

Yeah, cos that's what you'd... And none of them really join up.

Whenever I see David Beckham, I want to turn him upside down

like an Etch A Sketch, shake him and start again.

You could probably do a join-the-dots or something though.

But Ruud van Nistelrooy, he's meant to have got rid of

because he threatened his control.

This sounds like Ferguson to me. Yeah.

I think it's Alex Ferguson.

Basically, of this list, it's got to be the most power crazed one.

So, that's Ferguson followed by Putin.

Yeah. Followed by Berry.

I don't know who Mary Berry is.

I'm guessing she's an 18th-century astronomer.

LAUGHTER And probably...

..from the looks, a strong feminist.

Alex Ferguson...

CHUCKLING: What do I know about football?

I'll bet it's Alex Ferguson.

Kanye West would never string together that long a sentence.

LAUGHTER

OK, so, you guys are going for...?

We think it is Alex Ferguson. Alex Ferguson. And...?

Let's say Kanye.

I can tell you that the answer was...

It was Sir Alex Ferguson.

APPLAUSE

Now, as we all know, language can be used for both good

and for evil, to inspire and seduce,

or to make us buy useless crap from the home-shopping channel

when we come in pissed from the pub.

In our next round, we ask our teams to abandon the need for truth and

embrace the language of advertising to sell us a range of genuine items.

First up, Paul and Mark, here is your item.

There it is.

And as you have a little look

and open up your genuine item that we're going to ask you to sell,

we're going to ask Susan and Rich to write down as many words as you can

that the lads will use in their sales pitch.

It's a full-body outfit made of bubble wrap,

by the look of it. We need a model for this.

Yes. Why are you looking at me? Because you're skinnier than I am.

And if I don't fit into it, I will never live it down.

Stick it on, mate. OK, I will stick this on.

Here we go. This is...

Oh, dear.

You can stop writing now, guys. Lovely.

APPLAUSE

And as I'm dressed as the only condom

fully approved by the Catholic Church...

Begin your pitch now.

Well, we all know there are going to be massive cuts

to the BBC in forthcoming years.

And that will mean that Doctor Who's budget

is going to take one massive slash, so to speak.

But I don't think that's why it's been designed.

I think it's been designed for music festivals,

such as The Big One in Somerset that takes place every year.

That's right. Not only will this costume

shield you from the elements,

but it's fun because you have the opportunity...

BUZZER

Did you say elegant?

LAUGHTER

As well as all this, it's something to do with a friend.

If we can have a volunteer, you can

see the sort of stuff you could get up to with an outfit like this.

If anybody would like to have a pop?

It's a good opportunity to deflate some of this.

That lady in the front there is absolutely bursting

for the opportunity. Come on, madam.

APPLAUSE

And your name is? Holly. And where are you from, Holly?

Saintfield. OK, and would you like to test out...? Yes!

You would. LAUGHTER

She's very, very excited!

That's me skin!

That's my nips!

SHE GIGGLES LAUGHTER

Thank you very much. That was absolutely fantastic.

APPLAUSE To be honest with you,

you popped a couple of things you shouldn't there.

LAUGHTER BUZZER

Oh, there we go.

Everybody now lives in a generation

where they need amusement all the time.

This is much cheaper than having Angry Birds on a smartphone.

This is the perfect waterproof protection from...

BUZZER Oh, Lordy.

APPLAUSE

And let's have a look at some of the words

that you wrote down but didn't actually come up in the sales pitch.

We have... LAUGHTER

In what way, Susan?

Because I thought that looks like

something Toyah Willcox would've worn.

LAUGHTER

Leprosy?

We have cat.

Cats like bubble wrap,

so I thought maybe you could say it was a new cat plaything,

so you could spend more time with your cat.

You would dress up and your cat would come and climb up you,

and enjoy themselves. So it was more like...

To be honest, as soon as I get home,

that's exactly what's going to happen.

LAUGHTER

And for Susan and Rich, you're up next.

And here is your item. Right.

If you'd like to open that up, examine it as best you can.

Paul and Mark, if you want to write down the words

that they'll use in the sales pitch for this genuine item

that can be purchased from the back of the newspaper or the internet.

It feels funny.

Time up on the words. Yep.

And your sales pitch. Cue Rich and Susan.

Readers...

LAUGHTER

How many times have you purchased a bookmark

only to find it's slipped out of the pages of the book,

never to be found again,

and you realise this bookmark serves no purpose whatsoever?

We are proud to present the first bookmark

that actually serves more than its purpose.

It's Rusty, the no-soul, lifeless orang-utan bookmark.

How many times have you read a book

and could not remember what happened on the last page?

Now, much as if being asked, "Where were you when Diana died?"

you will always remember what happened

because what happened in the story

happened right before you stuck an orang-utan into the book.

APPLAUSE

Furthermore, how many times have we been reading a book

and thought, "This is the biggest crap I've ever read in my life.

"God, I wish there was something more entertaining"?

Oh, look. It's a stillborn orang-utan.

Look at the innocence in his eyes.

Look at his hands raised in supplication.

Innocent.

How many times has innocence

and supplication driven fictional narrative?

Are we not all innocent at one time, like Rusty,

the lifeless, soulless orang-utan bookmark?

BUZZER Supplication.

LAUGHTER

I did write that more recently than...

LAUGHTER

Is this the orang-utan in the Borneo eco resort?

BUZZER Yes, he's got one. We have Borneo.

They do have Borneo. APPLAUSE

Rusty.

Have a go and see if you know what to do.

I think what we should do, actually, I should actually bring this home

and I should actually just put this in the pram, shouldn't I?

Yeah. In a few months' time.

Or maybe what I should do is

I actually should bring it into the delivery ward.

And when I'm down at the business end

and the wife goes, "What is it?"

"It looks like me."

LAUGHTER

So, what do we think? How much do we think we paid for this?

That is a pricey item because the clothes alone are worth a bit.

Mm. Right. There is a certain amount of detail.

I'm saying...

?45. Mm.

I wouldn't be surprised. Look at the box it came in.

Actually, it's in a nice...

I know where you could get a real baby for ?45.

LAUGHTER

Paddy, I'm revising up. ?65. Wow.

?65.

Paul and Mark? We'll go less. A bit lower than that, I reckon.

About 45.

I can tell you that we actually paid ?85.96...

Knew it. Knew it!

..for the Baby Babu posable orang-utan doll.

So, Paul and Mark got two,

which means that tonight's winners are Susan and Rich.

Oh, yes. APPLAUSE

But before you go,

if you think you've used some bad language in your time,

remember, it could be a lot worse with bad language like this.

LAUGHTER

That's all we've got time for.

A big thanks to our guests, to Mark Watson and Rich Hall.

And to our captains, Susan Calman and Paul Sinha.

I'm Patrick Kielty. Goodnight.