Episode 4 Bad Language

MUSIC: I'm a Scatman by Scatman John

# Bwi ba ba bada bo

# Baba ba da bo

# Bwi ba ba bada bo... #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to Bad Language,

the show all about everyday words, phrases and sayings.

And tonight to see what makes it tick,

which isn't the first time that's been done in Belfast...

LAUGHTER

..here are our teams.

Joining our team captain Susan Calman is Jarred Christmas.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And with captain Paul Sinha, it's Mickey Bartlett.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We kick off with our first round, entitled Osama Bin Language...

MACHINE GUNFIRE

It's a typewriter.

..where our teams nominate words and phrases that they

think are a menace to society and should be taken out.

Then our audience of linguistic scholars...

LAUGHTER

..will decide which ones should be removed permanently

from conversation and banish them to the bin of bad language.

-Er...Jarred...

-Yes.

Dear boy, what phrase or word would you like to see permanently

binned from our beautiful language?

"I'm not being racist, but..."

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The popular choice.

Because...it's only ever used by racists!

It's...because it's a disclaimer.

People who have a disclaimer, you can't trust them, can you?

And that's essentially what that phrase is.

Like, if your partner came out with, "Look, I'm not cheating on you, but...

"..your brother is awesome in bed..."

You know, you're not going to trust that person, are you?

Everyone just sort of goes, "OK, I'm going to say this

"and then I'm going to be really racist but you're going to have to forgive me

"because I was so nice at this point."

It's bullshit, it's got to go.

It needs to go.

In Northern Ireland we don't really do racism properly because we had a war for years.

-Oh, you do.

-We don't, really.

We're only messing, because...

LAUGHTER

That is the best thing I've ever heard.

-"Oh, no, listen, we were only messing."

-We totally are, though.

For years we had, you know, "Who's the best type of white people?" war, right?

We had that. And then everyone else came over, we're like, " Oh, hello, come on over, come on over,

"gay people, whaaaa...? Come on over, come on over, come on over..."

It's a bad phrase, I agree.

It's not as bad as, "I am being racist AND...",

which I really hate, to be perfectly honest with you.

I think the audience cheering when you said that just shows how much Belfast has changed.

I remember playing the Empire 15 years ago, walking onto stage

and people just hated me cos I was English.

Um...

APPLAUSE

So...

So, Jarred has gone for "I'm not racist, but..."

Needs to go.

I think that's good that Australians like yourself are taking a stand. LAUGHTER

Oh, sorry, New Zealand, New Zealand, sorry.

We need to clear that up, I am from New Zealand.

What he just did there was the worst kind of racism.

Rivalry between Australia and New Zealand's based on the fact that Australia keeps trying

to steal famous New Zealanders, claim them as their own. Crowded House? Great Kiwi band.

The Aussies tried to steal them.

Russell Crowe? Oh, we've fought about him.

"He's Aussie." "He's Kiwi." "He's Aussie." "He's Kiwi."

Then he turned out to be a total prick, so we were like, "Australia, you can have him."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

He's yours.

Thanks, Jarred. OK, Mickey.

What word or phrase would you like to see binned from the English-language?

Man boobs.

I know that...

I know man boobs is a direct description of what they are,

but I've recently grown a pair and...

-Of man boobs?

-Yeah.

-Oh, right.

-No-one told me, Paul.

My dad didn't take me aside and say, "Son, one day...

"You're going to look like Mummy."

Mummy's from Lurgan.

You know how it is.

I have man boobs now and they don't think it's fair,

ladies and gentlemen, that I have to carry these things around.

You don't understand the struggle.

You don't know what it's like to brush your teeth as a grown man

in the morning with no T-shirt on,

spit toothpaste out and it lands on your own ditty.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Mickey, can I just ask a question regarding the language?

Is it that it's the boobs aspect that you don't like,

so it's kind of making it slightly more...

Cos you are a very ruggedly handsome man, if I may be so bold.

-With tits.

-Yeah.

-I don't know, I'm a lesbian...

I'm gorgeous.

I look like a rugby player, like, here,

but from here down I'm like a 17-year-old netballer.

That's very confusing! So...

-It's sort of Caitlin Jenner's middle stage, isn't it?

-THEY LAUGH

Yeah.

Is it the boobs part that you object to and you want it to be a more...

Cos getting rid of the word doesn't get rid of the...

I haven't seen them, so I can't judge what they're like...

Oh, hang on, hang on. Hang on a second!

-That's some Arnold Schwarzenegger nonsense.

-There's muscle underneath.

-Right.

-Can you do the theme tune?

-HE SINGS:

-# Bwi ba ba bada bo... #

-I can do the...

-Do them to that.

Can we actually play the theme tune again and see if Mickey can actually...?

SCAT INTRO TO I'M A SCATMAN

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: I'm A Scatman by John Scatman

I take it back, keep it.

You see, that's a talent that you have there.

-Would you like a more masculine term for what they are?

-Man tits?

-Dancing pecs?

-That'd be nice.

You've got dancing pecs.

-SUSAN:

-Breasticles.

Breasticles, you suggest breasticles.

APPLAUSE

Well done.

I don't know about you guys, but that's the kind of comedy I like.

We stand up, she does the comedy, beautiful.

And thanks to my old English teacher who made it to tonight's show.

-Breasticles!

-HE LAUGHS

Susan, you're up next.

Which word or phrase gets on your proverbial wick and you would like to see binned?

Well, the phrase I would like to see binned is,

"What's the worst that could happen?"

It's a phrase...my mother uses it quite a lot. She's trying to help.

I have a fear of flying.

When I said to her, "I'm coming to Belfast," "What's the worst that could happen?"

"I could die, Mother. That is the worst thing that could happen.

She may as well have said to me, "You are going to die."

I'm a negative person, to be fair, it's the way I was brought up.

-So, it's essentially optimists that you have a problem with?

-OK, yes.

-Yes?

Because I think negative people like myself are essential to keep the country going.

I agree with you.

Because if everyone was optimistic, nothing would ever get done.

You know, it's those people who say, "Let's not plan things.

"Let's just see what happens."

No, let's plan everything.

This is not so much linguistics as Susan on the psychiatrist's couch, isn't it?

I think it is.

I think you're getting quite a lot of support from the Northern Ireland audience,

because Northern Irish people, we're quite...

-We are backwards and negative and never happy.

-We are.

It feels as though Northern Ireland years and years ago said,

"What's the worst that can happen?" and it fucking did.

LAUGHTER

And this comes from a man that looks like a cuddly Gerry Adams, the young years.

LAUGHTER

Is it not good to set expectations low, then,

because anything else is a triumph?

-I mean, Ryanair should have their slogan as "What's the worst that could happen?"

-Yeah.

Cos if you board a Ryanair plane, and you think, "Well, I could die,"

then when they land at an airport 75 miles away from where you thought you were going to land,

you'll go, "This is actually all right, this is not the worst that can happen."

I've just been on a long-haul flight and we had really terrible turbulence. Like, proper...

You know, like you're on a rollercoaster ride.

Your bum's coming off the seat and everything. It was amazing.

But I was looking at the flight plan

and it was the exact same spot where that Air Malaysia flight had gone down,

where they were searching for it, right?

And I shouldn't have said that out loud.

On the plus side, if it did go down, at least there would already be people looking.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I tell you what, though, I would get Air Malaysia before I would get Aer Lingus.

Do you ever fly Aer Lingus?

You know the way most planes have a serial number at the front of the plane

and you can see it looks very responsible?

Instead of serial numbers, Aer Lingus name the planes.

And I don't know if you know how terrifying it is to climb inside Phidelma.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Er...thanks, Susan.

Paul. Your phrase.

"Giving it 100%."

Everybody always says you can't give anything 110%

and they are of course right.

It's physically impossible.

But you can't give 100% either, because we are human beings with all our flaws and contradictions.

If you're giving 60%, you're doing pretty well,

so don't ever say you're giving 100%, because it's just physically impossible.

If you're going in for surgery and just as you're passing out...

you say to the surgeon, "Do a really good job, man," you know,

"Save my life," and he'll go," "I'll give it 60%."

LAUGHTER

Even, look, dare I say it, even during the act of lovemaking...

Going into it, you're thinking, "I'm going to give this 100%,"

but partway through, your mind's drifting.

I'm not being racist, but you're right.

You see, my problem is when people say they're going to give more than 100%,

I remember seeing Wayne Rooney on an interview after a game,

and he said, "The lads gave 150%."

Somebody needs to take Wayne aside and kind of explain that in terms that Wayne understands.

You know, "Wayne, that's like having two hookers in your room and trying to shag three of them."

The first time, specifically, when you go out with someone

and you are about to do the sexy-sexy time,

you want the person to be, like, "I'm going to give this 100%!"

You've got... "I'm just going to do this!"

-Get stuck in!

-The enthusiasm earns you points.

Just get right in there and don't you stop!

-Right in there!

-Don't disappoint me!

You're only giving 60%!

I'll be honest, the other 40% is your fault!

APPLAUSE

OK, we will now go to our learned audience who have heard

tonight's arguments and, by a round of applause or a cheer,

we will choose one that we will bin for ever from the language,

so first up... "What's the worst that could happen?"

APPLAUSE AND SCATTERED WHOOPING

Next up we have "man boobs".

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

"I'm not racist, but..."

LOUD CHEERING AND ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE

Something tells me they might have to give this 100%, Paul!

PAUL LAUGHS

"Giving it 100%."

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And so I can tell you, folks, that after that round,

going into the bin of bad language, it is

"I'm not racist, but..."

CHEERING

Good riddance!

OK, our next round is called I'll Get Me Quote.

We have picked out a couple of quotes for our two teams.

All they've got to do is work out who wrote what.

OK, so Susan and Jarred, you are going first, here is your quote.

Here are your options.

Was it Sir Elton John?

Taylor Swift?

Kim Jong-un? LAUGHTER

-Or Wayne Rooney?

-Wow!

Good, good range of people there.

OK. Kim Jong-un, known for his surprise parties.

What do we really know about North Korea?

-Very little.

-I'll tell you what I know.

-What?

-South Korea is better than North Korea.

-Why?

Because South Korea has got Seoul!

LAUGHTER

Traditionally, Wayne Rooney is thought of as perhaps not

the world's most intelligent of gentlemen.

I don't know, I've never met him, he might be a scholar,

but I'm not... That's quite a big sentence,

-isn't it?

-Yeah, it is.

And I don't know whether he would just go, "I bought you something!"

-You know, rather than... So, next up we've got...

-Elton!

Now, Elton, he likes buying stuff.

I think Elton John... Look, this is just a theory.

Ha-ha! Tell me more, Jarred!

I think Elton John, in the '70s, went to a costume party

-and hasn't been home yet.

-Right.

LAUGHTER

And the last one is the best woman alive today,

Taylor Swift.

Love her, love her, love her.

You are a fan?

Love her, love her, love her.

While we're having a little think about this,

we have an extra bonus quote.

If someone can actually tell us who said this...

"My neighbour opposite was washing her windows

"and saw me dancing to Taylor Swift's Shake It Off.

"I got a thumb up..." Sorry, "I got a thumbs-up.

"So did she. #allgood"

That was me!

That was you?

-I tweeted it because it happened.

-And because you've got no curtains.

Yeah, I've got no curtains,

so I was dancing to Shake It Off in my living room.

We can actually show you the tweet, Susan, here it is.

Which is... You know, I think that's a lovely tweet.

If we have a little look at the time that that tweet took place at...

LAUGHTER

I'm not sure what's more enjoyable,

the fact that you were actually dancing to Taylor Swift

at four o'clock in the morning

or your Glasgow neighbour was washing her windows.

OK, I have insomnia, so I don't sleep,

but what I do is I go into the living room and I just...

I put on my headphones and I dance around the place

because it's better than sitting worrying about life, so...

Cue the music.

-# I'm dancing on my own... #

-Oh, no!

# ..I'll make the moves up as I go... #

So, it's...

CHEERING

And we just have a special present for Susan here.

This is a little photograph we thought you might be interested in.

Here we go.

Oh, you... Oh, my God!

That is when the PK met the Taytay.

When did that happen?

That happened in Nashville couple of years ago

and she has got a thumb up,

that's why I've got that expression there too.

LAUGHTER

So, I think she is a generous woman.

She's going out with a Scotsman now, so she's got great taste.

-Yes, she is!

-Calvin Harris.

Let's do it in her voice. Let's try it in everybody's voices

apart from Kim Jong-un's cos that could get awkward.

-Oh, yes, right.

-Wayne Rooney.

-Um, where is he from? Liverpool?

-Liverpool.

-IN EXAGGERATED SCOUSE ACCENT:

-Fucking hell!

GUTTURAL GIBBERISH

-I don't think it was him.

-I don't think it was him.

-Shall I do Taylor Swift?

-You SHOULD do Taylor Swift.

LAUGHTER

SUSAN READS IN AN EXAGGERATED AMERICAN ACCENT

-It's a Muppet I was doing.

-It's Taylor Swift!

-I think it's Taylor Swift.

-You think it is Taylor Swift?

-Yeah.

-I would say that as well.

Wayne Rooney? Yeah.

Kim Jong-un hasn't written an autobiography,

it just wouldn't sell that well outside of North Korea,

so it's between Taylor Swift and Wayne Rooney.

-It's Wayne Rooney.

-OK.

-I'm going to go with my captain. Wayne Rooney.

-SUSAN:

-Damn it!

The correct answer, of course,

is Wayne Rooney.

APPLAUSE

Paul's team, here is your quote.

Whose words are they?

Is it Daniel Craig?

Michael Flatley?

Danny Dyer?

Or Bruce Forsyth?

There we go.

-PAUL:

-Michael Flatley was born in Chicago.

-Have you seen the way he dances?

-He doesn't even dance!

I hate him! In Lord Of The Dance, if you ever watch that show,

he doesn't even dance, he waits right till the end

and then he walks out and slaps someone's arse

and does a Usain Bolt and takes...

He just takes all the credit.

There's 400 blokes standing behind him, knackered,

like "Why is he getting all the money?!"

Being from New Zealand and seeing Lord Of The Dance,

and Michael Flatley stuff, from an outsider's perspective as well,

I just want to say,

-I think it's awful.

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

The thing is, whenever you are immersed in a particular thing,

so in...in Scotland, if a tourist comes up,

I am trained to be Jimmy Krankie, Lulu or Nicola Sturgeon.

-So...

-Will you do the Braveheart thing?

OK, OK, OK!

-I love the Braveheart thing!

-We're all taught this at school now!

OK...

-SHRIEKS:

-FREEDOM!

So good!

It's like there is an Australian in the room.

My favourite Mel Gibson story about Braveheart,

it was actually filmed in Ireland and they filmed it down at Ardmore

and they give them the Irish army as extras

and they all dressed up as the warriors

and Mel Gibson turned up one day and all the guys were in costume

and he thought he would have a bit of banter with one of the guys,

just to... And he said, "And what's under your kilt?"

He went, "Your wife's lipstick."

LAUGHTER

-PAUL:

-It doesn't sound like Bruce.

He wouldn't say "pasting", though, would he?

It's just not his language.

Daniel Craig is...rumoured to be

being replaced by Idris Elba, causing great controversy.

-I'm not being racist, but...

-Yeah.

I'd like to see Michael Flatley replaced by Idris Elba,

that would be a fantastic cultural change.

I would like to see the first black Lord Of The Dance.

-I think that would be great.

-I think that would work.

I thought you were going to say,

"I'd like to see Michael Flatley be the next James Bond."

That would have been an entirely different...

He could actually do the...

HE HUMS THE JAMES BOND THEME AND TAPS FEET IN TIME

You think it's Bruce?

-Yeah, I think it's Bruce.

-What do you think?

-SUSAN:

-Well, the text, I don't think it's Bruce

because I don't think he would necessarily give anyone a pasting.

It's true, actually, Bruce would probably have chinned them.

-The only thing...

-AUDIENCE GROANS

Oh, come on!

What I was going to say is, I think Michael Flatley...

Somewhere in the back of my mind, reading up on Riverdance,

I think he did boxing at some point,

so I think it would be Flatley, actually. Would you agree?

I would say Flatley.

OK, guys, it is your question, so we are going to need an answer.

-I think it's Danny Dyer.

-Yeah, go for Danny Dyer.

You are agreed with Danny Dyer.

I can tell you that the correct answer was

-Bruce Forsyth.

-Oh-ho-ho!

Bruce Forsyth who said he gave his abuser...

AS BRUCE: "..a right pasting."

APPLAUSE

And at the end of that round, the winners are Paul and Micky.

CHEERING

Now, as we all know,

language is a powerful tool that can be used for both good and evil.

At best, it can inspire and seduce,

at worst, it can make us buy useless crap from the home shopping channel

when we come in from the pub pissed.

Our next round is called Ad-libs,

where we ask our two teams to park their morals

and embrace the language of advertising

to sell us a range of genuine items.

First of all, for Paul's team, here is your item.

If you can actually guess what words Paul and Micky will use

when they are trying to sell these beautiful items,

it will be a point for each.

-We'll pass them across.

-Thank you.

Shall we put them on?

I think it would be better if you did, yeah.

It actually says Handerpants.

-OK, time up, stop writing now.

-Yep, yep, yep, yep.

-Time up!

-Yes, done, done.

What are you going to do? What are you going to do?!

This is the most bizarre game of bingo I have ever seen in my life.

-How did they get so many words on so...

-I know!

Guys! Stop!

OK, guys.

These are called Handerpants. You've got to admire the...

-BUZZER

-Pants!

But that's what they're called!

Doesn't matter, mate.

They are underpants for your hands. Why...

-BUZZER

-Hand!

Good lateral thinking there, Jarred, I don't know how you got to that(!)

We've all been, thanks to Tinder and Match.com and whatnot,

on dates that weren't quite right.

Well, this is the polite way of getting out of date.

Don't look like the bad one by getting out in the middle of dinner,

simply put this on and go, "I really would like to fondle your hair,"

and before long, you know,

she will have disappeared and the date will be over.

So, it is a great advantage to get out of difficult dates.

That's as good as I can do at the moment. Can you do anything?

What we do is we put a little bit of chocolate just here...

GROANING AND LAUGHTER

I watched a documentary recently called

The Man With The Small Arse And Five Willies.

-Oh!

-JARRED BUZZES REPEATEDLY

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I can't believe I put down "willy"!

-MICKY:

-This is a stupid game!

-I have literally never been happier!

The psychologist Pavlov, of course, explored the idea

that certain conditioning would make you think of certain things,

so having pants on your hands

will always disgust people. This is the most

disgusting thing I've ever seen! What is wrong with gloves?

-Oh, shit!

-BUZZER

LAUGHTER

So let's have the cards. Here we go. Let's see...

Well, they did get quite a lot, I have to say.

Yeah, lost count, mate!

We have this, which is...

Paul.

I was expecting one of you to at least say each other's name,

-but you didn't do it.

-Oh!

David Beckham. Well, you see, I thought they might have gone with

make your hands look like David Beckham.

-Yes.

-Good shout.

So you can stay at home and think that David Beckham is...

Oh, come on, David!

Oh, no!

Oh, David, get off me!

Oh, no, David!

Shame, David!

I'll show you the meaning of golden balls!

These are the Handerpants.

How much do we think we paid for these?

-That... That's a five...

-£19.95!

-That's a £5 job, that's a £5 job.

-No, way less.

-PAUL:

-957...

-I'm going for, like, three quid in a pound shop.

Three quid in a pound shop?! You've been ripped off, mate!

I know!

The actual price for our Handerpants

was £8.90.

Susan's team, this is your item -

this beautiful teapot

with a clock.

There we go. So we'll pass this over.

That's very, very delicate.

So, we are selling this?

You are selling this as best you can.

I've watched a lot of home shopping channels.

I love them. Diamonique?

Does anyone ever watch the Diamonique hour? It's great.

-The what?

-Diamonique.

-ENGLISH ACCENT:

-It's like real diamonds, but it's not diamonds,

but no-one will know it's not a diamond

and it's only £5, but it looks like a diamond.

Time's up, guys, by the way.

-PAUL:

-Really?

-Time's up, there we go.

-OK, so...

-Welcome...

-..Susan and Jarred, off you go.

So, hi, everyone, and welcome to this home shopping hour

with myself and Jarred.

What are we selling today, Jarred?

Today, we are selling, em, the...

Clocktease.

BUZZER Yeah, clock.

We'll give you a point for that. Continue.

-Clocktease is one word.

-LAUGHTER

And tell me something,

I can do what and what at the same time?

I can quench me thirst, but also check what time it is?

Yes, you can.

Do you think this is suitable for all ages, Jarred?

I would recommend...pensioners,

but I would not rule out under-pensionage age.

So, if you want to buy this beautiful Clocktease,

you can just phone in just now. How much is it again, Jarred?

Three...

easy...

payment instalments

of a price that you can't quite afford!

The Clocktease. There you go, ladies and gentlemen,

hope you enjoy it. Hope you buy it.

BUZZER

APPLAUSE

There it is, the Clocktease.

Guys, let's have a little look.

-I don't even want to hand these over.

-Here we go.

Let's see what's in the brain of Micky and Paul.

First up, we have...

Lapsang souchong. I thought they might name a tea.

-SUSAN:

-How specific did they think we were going to be?!

You've come to Ireland and you are naming posh tea?!

People are going, "That's not Barry's!"

Spout?

I panicked and started writing down what I saw.

-Taylor Swift!

-I'm not obsessed with her!

I'm not going to say everything about Taylor Swift.

I'll be honest, Taylor Swift is on the tip of her tongue.

It is the Dawn's Bright Herald Teapot Clock,

it is part of a range.

You can have it with the robin on top,

a tit on the bottom

or a thrush on the spout, apparently.

That's what they say.

Ooh, well done!

I can tell you, ladies and gentlemen,

that we bought that from the home shopping channel for...

Paul, what do we think?

-Well, I'll...

-It's up to you.

-I'll go with you.

Eight quid.

25.

LAUGHTER

The audience laughing because we think that's too high or too low?

-AUDIENCE:

-Too high.

-Too high? Really?

£68.97.

Ha-ha-ha-ha! All of you, "It's not worth anything!"

It's what we paid for this piece of...

There it is. There it is.

It's solid, that, isn't it?

It is solid, I was very much... Oh, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry, Susan.

Susan has gone Acorn Antiques on us!

If that's worth 68 quid,

I'll get something for it at the airport on the way home!

And so, at the end of the show, I can tell you that

in second place this evening,

let's give it up for Paul and for Micky.

APPLAUSE

Which means that tonight's supercalifragilisticexpialidociouses

are Susan and Jarred.

CHEERING

There we are!

And before we go,

if you think you've used some bad language in your time,

remember it could be a lot worse, like this.

And finally, this one from a guy who was so drunk

he ended up texting himself.

That is all we have time for. A big thanks to our guests,

to Susan Calman and Jarred Christmas

and to Paul Sinha and to Micky Bartlett.

I'm Patrick Kielty. Thank you very much, goodnight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE