Episode 5 Bad Language

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to Bad Language,

the show all about everyday words, phrases and sayings.

Joining team captain Susan Calman, we have Mr Mark Watson.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And with captain Paul Sinha, tonight we have Mr Des Clarke.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We kick off with our first round, entitled I'll Get Me Quote,

where we give our teams some words of wisdom from bestselling

celebrity authors. All they have to do is work out who wrote what.

Susan and Mark, it's you to go first and here is your quote.

It's obviously a great personality(!)

Is it Miley Cyrus,

Simon Cowell,

AP McCoy

or Arnold Schwarzenegger?

-Wow.

-Mmm.

-Let's just see the quote.

-Thank you...

-There... Oops!

Ha-ha-ha!

LAUGHTER

It's gone right through!

AS RICHIE BENAUD: "And that's gone for four."

It was like watching a corner being badly defended.

That was the agility part of the show, that no-one warned me about.

-AP McCoy...

-He might have had an injury, he could be talking about.

-Could've.

-He could have fallen off a horse and...

-Could've.

-..and smashed it up or something.

-Yeah. Schwarzenegger, who has just

-taken over The Apprentice in America...

-Yes, he has.

..which is a great show. It used to be The Trump that did it.

Yeah, a difficult job of replacing Trump

with someone even more batshit.

A thing that sums up why I love Scotland immensely

is that Donald Trump - you probably know this, Des -

he was trying to build a golf course in Scotland and everyone was

annoyed at him. He came up to do this press conference

and some jolly Scottish person stood behind him with a balloon...

..and got his hair going up. So...

And I love that, because actually, Scotland isn't a nation full of

drunken idiots, it's full of very nice people.

So, Schwarzenegger, do you think he would say

something like that? I don't think so.

It doesn't sound like Schwarzenegger talking, does it?

Can you do it in his accent, Mark?

I'll just check... No.

Can anybody do it in his accent?

Luckily, I can.

-DEEP VOICE:

-To this day, my left cheek is numb.

I put my hand up and touch my left cheek -

-if feels like I'm touching something else.

-That was bang on, yeah!

Right.

APPLAUSE

Eh, so, next up we have Simon Cowell. He had that test recently,

-didn't he?

-To see when he was going to die.

-Yeah.

-95, he claimed.

-He did, actually. You're a doctor. Is that safe?

Is botox something we should be thinking about?

A retired GP. It's not technically a doctor,

it's more of a counsellor, with some extra skills.

If I was a retired GP, I'd be saying I was a doctor.

I go to the GP a lot. I HOPE he's a doctor.

Has he ever asked you for a urine sample?

No, he has never asked me for a urine sample.

All GPs should ask you for a urine sample. Do you know why?

Buys you five minutes to Google the symptoms.

Is it possible to predict the age that someone's going to die?

I think they look at the person's ego and tell them what answer

will make them happy.

Is this something you would like to do, Des, do you think?

Yeah, being from Glasgow, I just presumed the answer would be 38.

I'd like to know the date.

I'd quite like to know the date, but I think the best time to die

would be that bit between Christmas and New Year, cos you never know

-what to do then, anyway.

-Let's have a little look,

if some of us did live to a ripe old age, this is the scientific

mock-up of what we would look like. Who have we got?

Oh, no! My!

-DES:

-You look a bit Wallace and Gromit.

-Yeah.

-Slightly cum face, as well.

-So, we need an answer.

-Think we are going to go for AP McCoy.

-Yeah.

-You're going to go with AP McCoy?

-Yeah.

-We'll try and sneak a point.

-We'll go for Arnie.

-I can tell you that the correct answer is...

-It is AP McCoy!

-Yes!

Paul and Des,

here is your quote.

Here's your options...

Prince Charles...

Sharon Osbourne,

Ray Winstone

-or Liam Gallagher.

-Wow.

-MARK:

-It's got to be Prince Charles, doesn't it(?)

In a real candid moment, he probably realised he is never

going to be king, so he thinks, "I'll tell people honestly."

-IMITATES CHARLES:

-"Yes, we've done fuck all."

Prince Charles is now officially retired and he still hasn't got

-the job that he's meant to have gotten.

-Is he officially retired?

-Yeah.

-So, he's just going to sit in a big house and earn benefits?

-Yeah.

-So different to what he's done for the previous 60-odd years(!)

That's a shame. I think they should give him a shot.

I think that's a bit drastic!

You're not the first person in Belfast that's said that.

Ray Winstone's a great actor, but I have as problem with him,

which is that he terrifies everybody into betting. When he appears

on screen, I'm 100 quid down within five minutes. That's how

intimidating he is. I used to have a problem with gambling,

which reached its worst point when I put 20 quid on a horse at 15 to one

and horses are shit at general knowledge.

ALL: Oh!

In the quizzing community, you're going to be a legend for that one.

We don't think it's Prince Charles, do we?

It's possible he had a drunken moment.

-Yeah, possibly. I met Prince Charles.

-Where did you meet him?

I met him in a Wetherspoons.

No, I met him at one of these Prince's Trust events

and I was standing in a queue of people and it was Ant and Dec,

Diversity, then me. Diversity are a dance group,

in case you thought that's just how I refer to ethnic people.

"Me - there was some diversity."

Whilst meeting Prince Charles, I figured that he wasn't

understanding me at all, cos nothing was communicating.

-So, I said...

-SLOWLY:

-"Are you OK with my accent?"

So, I'm now talking like he's deaf -

the man with the biggest ears in the known world.

And he goes like that...

-IMITATES CHARLES:

-I'm all right with the Scottish accent,

unless you've had a couple of drinks.

I said, "I'll try not to get pished, then." And he pissed off.

I saw the Queen from a distance at the Commonwealth Games.

-How much of a distance?

-Quite far.

-She was in the long jump?

No, she was on the telly.

-PAUL:

-I don't think Sharon Osbourne would say it.

-She does swear heavily, though, doesn't she, Sharon?

-Yeah.

Whereas, I think Liam Gallagher would say it as a badge of pride.

Ray Winstone just wouldn't have a go at his family,

-cos it's not the done thing for a working-class East Londoner.

-Fam'ly!

-COCKNEY ACCENT:

-"It's not what I do."

-Shall we go for Liam?

-I think Liam Gallagher, yeah.

I'd go for that.

I'm thinking it's Sharon Osbourne.

-We'll go Osbourne, I think.

-Yeah, we'll go Osbourne.

You're going Gallagher, you're going Osbourne.

The correct answer is Ray Winstone.

-Oh!

-Oh!

-That means that... you're both wrong.

APPLAUSE

Our next round is called Osama Bin Language...

MACHINEGUN FIRE

..where we ask...

LAUGHTER

-Was that a deliberate sound effect or someone...

-I didn't even order

a sound effect. I have no idea what's going on tonight in Belfast.

..where we ask our teams to nominate a word or a phrase that they think

is a menace to society and should be taken out.

Then, our highly-intellectual audience will decide which one

should be permanently removed from conversation.

Paul, you're up first.

Which word or phrase most gets on your proverbial wick

and you'd like to see binned?

This might be a bit controversial, but I am going to go for

"happy hour". Now, I have my reasons for this.

Britain is a problem drinker.

Northern Ireland is a problem drinker.

The Republic of Ireland is a problem drinker.

I am a problem drinker.

And it all starts with the advertising of alcohol. Happy hour

is a very positive spin on a series of events that don't tend

to end up being that happy. And I should know, I used to be a doctor.

I spent 18 months as an accident and emergency doctor

in a small town in Norfolk called King's Lynn and all I did

was stitch up the wounds of drunk, abusive thugs. Go to King's Lynn,

you will see the evidence - thousands of men with scars

on their face, in the shape of two balls and a cock. That was...

LAUGHTER

Anything that says, so this is happy hour

and, generally, in Glasgow, that tends to be between five and six,

to attract people into the pub. No-one's really that happy between

five and six in the evening.

No, it's actually five and six in the morning.

This is true, actually. I went through Glasgow Airport once

and I thought we could drink. The pub in Glasgow Airport

had a pint and a full English breakfast, right, for three quid.

-An English breakfast? In Glasgow?

-I realised how controversial

-that actually is.

-It's wrong to say

that in Glasgow or in Scotland, we don't like the English.

My sister owns one... is married to an English person.

So, I think the spin is too happy.

The events that follow don't tend to be happy.

You can only call it happy hour if you are genuinely honest about what

the other hours involve - drunk hour, increasingly-drunk hour,

vomit on the dress hour, crawl in the toilet hour,

punchy-punchy hour. I was punched in Glasgow,

-in a kebab shop, at one in the morning.

-I'm sorry about that, Paul.

And we need to rename it. A happy hour should be renamed

half-price poison hour, I think.

That is a more honest description of what it is.

You can see how baffled an Irish audience is with the notion

of only one hour in the day to get drunk.

Anything which has in its title, happy hour -

this is the hour to be happy. They used to sell fun-sized

chocolate bars.

Fun-size. And they were tiny. Now, a fun-sized chocolate bar

is one that is the size of me.

That is a fun-size! One that you can sleep in is a fun size.

Don't tell me that is a fun chocolate bar.

Something you can sit in your underpants and watch a full box set

-of Sex and the City to?

-Yeah! God! The nights Paddy and I have had

together doing that. Honestly, the tales I could tell you.

Yes, we had, girlfriend!

This is weird for me, cos I don't drink.

-What?

-I know that, in front of an audience here in Belfast

and in Glasgow, everyone thinks that there is a back story

that you're not telling them. I just don't like the taste.

I'm high on heroin.

In some ways, Des is the most sinister of all friends.

Cos I've known Des a long time.

It's a sinister thing to have a sober friend,

who remembers EVERYTHING.

I have three sex tapes of Susan Calman.

LAUGHTER

Oh, that would be horrific!

I once went out with someone with the same name as me

and it's... I don't know if anyone here has ever done that.

It's kind of the same as if you go out - it's about language,

technically - if you go out with someone who has got the name of

your mum or dad, depending on what sexuality you are,

it's really wrong, because you shout out your mum or dad's name

and it can put you off for life.

It's more wrong if you actually shout "Mum!"

The thing is, if you're Irish, I have shouted out my mum's name

loads of times when I'm having sex.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-Why?

-Cos you go, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph!"

APPLAUSE

OK, moving on...

-Susan, you're up next.

-I would like to put a phrase

into the bin of bad language - "With the greatest of respect..."

What follows is never anything nice. You never say,

"With the greatest of respect, you're looking lovely today, Des."

There is always something horrific afterwards, but what they are

trying to do is have a disclaimer of some sort, to say,

"I'm about to insult you, but I'm just preparing you for it,

-"cos I'm saying it with a good heart.

-I quite like

-cushioning the blow.

-Do you?

Yeah. If someone says, "With the greatest of respect,

"I hate you and your family"... "Well, he still respected me."

-Yeah.

-But if I said to you, "With the greatest of respect,

"I hate you and your family", that is not any respect.

We live in a world where maybe we are slightly PC and we don't like

-to offend people, but things still need to be said.

-They do.

So, possibly, it is showing some respect to at least prepare them.

It's like when people come up to me - I don't know if this

happens to you - and go, "Do you know who IS funny? Frankie Boyle".

"Oh, thanks very much, indeed(!)" What they are essentially saying is,

-"You're not, but I'll tell you who is."

-I have that.

I'm standing there for an hour, he's still naming people.

Taxi drivers give you a league table

of everyone that has ever been funny apart from you.

Have you even been confused with or mistaken for another comedian?

Yeah. I had my glasses on and this guy shouted, "Baddiel! Baddiel!"

I said, "I'm sorry, but I'm not David Baddiel."

And the guy said, "That's what you always say!"

I said, "Yeah, it is. It is, because I'm not him."

Any of you guys been confused with anyone else?

A fatter, older Donnie Osmond,

and, then, a young lad at the National TV Awards

waited 45 minutes for a photograph, walked up to me and said,

"I've got a brilliant idea. It's for a sunbed that you sit in

"while you're watching telly."

And I just went, "You think I'm on Dragons' Den, don't you?"

And he looked utterly heartbroken

that he had waited 45 minutes for a photograph with somebody

he didn't actually know who they were.

It was a genuinely beautiful moment.

I'd love if you then shagged him and at the end of it said, "I'm out".

OK, so...Des,

what word gets on your wick?

Well, I'm not going to raise the tone, in any way,

because I'd like to get rid of the phrase "bumfluff".

LOUD FEMALE LAUGHTER

Sounds like she'd like to get rid of hers, as well.

LAUGHTER

You're grown up and you've got this at a very young age,

standing out and then, the name for it isn't "man face".

You said that with such anger! "It's not man face!"

It's bumfluff. Why?

Why are you comparing this onset of puberty, this sprouting of hair

on your face to a hairy old arse?

But most bums... Can we say it? Most bums don't really have fl-...

LAUGHTER

-I would imagine that...

-They have not normally got a beard,

-to be fair.

-It depends, it depends.

-But if you are quite hairy,

is the hair on your bum not thicker and generally darker?

-Some people have finer, downy-type...

-Really?

..hair on their bum. As a lady gets older, it is something

that happens. Young women go, "It's never going to happen to me!"

Whoof! David Bellamy!

And I have got incredibly-long toe hair, like a Hobbit.

And I like it, because, ladies, if you've not done it,

sandals in the summertime, feeling the wind in your toe hair

is the most freeing thing.

But sometimes, if I am, you know, going out in public, my wife says,

-"Can we do something? You look like a shire horse."

-Yes.

And she'll pluck my toe hair for me.

Looking at this audience, there are quite a lot of young men there

with real lesbian fantasies. And they...

-They've all been crushed.

-Yeah! Any of the films you've watched

are factually incorrect.

I'm imagining you were a hairy... hairy from the moment you were born?

I had the sort of problem Des was talking about.

-I'm the only person here with any sort of facial hair.

-But it's weird

the way it has changed. It used to be, manly people used to have hair.

-You used to look at Sean Connery...

-What are you saying?!

LAUGHTER

-It used to be manly!

-Now, it's pathetic little people like me!

-No, that's not what I meant!

-"I used to respect people with beards."

Mark, what is the word you would like to see binned?

Well, based on what we've heard, I think the phrase I'd most like to

bin is "three sex tapes of Susan Calman".

The thing I think I'd like to get rid of is the word "contemporary",

cos it is used so much in advertising now.

It, basically, doesn't mean anything.

Like a restaurant, it will say "contemporary cooking".

All it means is, just, cooking. It's very hard to see how food

could not be contemporary, really, unless you went in the restaurant

and suddenly it was medieval times. But you see it everywhere -

-"contemporary hair styles"...

-You clearly haven't been in

Shaftesbury Square in Belfast on a Saturday night at 12 o'clock.

I once ate lunch in a hotel in Cork

and, for a starter, I had egg mayonnaise.

When it was delivered to me,

it was a boiled egg with a dollop of mayonnaise next to it.

Now, I would suggest that is not contemporary cooking.

-I will put my neck out there.

-To be fair, it said "egg mayonnaise".

You got egg and mayonnaise. They just forgot to put the "and" sign

-in between.

-I remember bringing the missus back to a small restaurant

near Dundrum. I'll not name it, you know, to embarrass it -

The Maghera Inn -

and the girl who knows me, she came over and she said,

"Great to see you, Paddy. And we have four vegetables tonight.

"We have chips, we have garlic mash,

"we have dauphinoise potatoes and we have potato wedges."

And my wife, she was sitting on the opposite side of the table

and thought the girl was doing the old "Potato, potato!" routine.

And she burst out laughing. I'm kicking her under the table -

"No, they ARE the four vegetables."

My mother produced an extraordinary

item, which turned out to be part of her wedding cake.

It was traditional that you kept your wedding cake. I didn't,

cos when I got married, everyone ate the cake.

Generally, here in Northern Ireland, when you get married, it's quite

tricky to get hold of a cake.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

But, erm...

Thanks, Mark. We can only put one phrase into the bin of bad language.

Audience, it is up to you, by applause and enthusiasm.

Is it going to be Paul's "happy hour"?

APPLAUSE

Is it going to be Mark's "contemporary"?

APPLAUSE

Yeah, I think I've won!

Is it Des' "bumfluff"?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And is it "With the greatest respect"?

MASS CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I think you'll find, with the greatest respect, Des,

our winner is Susan and Mark!

Yes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come on!

Now, as we all know, language can be used for both good and for evil -

to inspire, to seduce or just to make us buy useless crap

from the home shopping channel when we come in pissed from the pub.

In our next round, we have asked our teams to shed their scruples

and embrace the language of advertising, to sell a range

of genuine items. First up, for Paul and for Des,

this is your item. There it is.

-The dog is not included in this item.

-Does it have a name?

It's up to you to tell us what the name of that is.

As the guys have a little look at that, you guys have 15 seconds

to write down as many words as possible that you think the guys

will use in their sales pitch. For every one you get right,

buzz in and we will give you a point.

Your time - Susan Calman! - is up!

Paul will start.

When people put a sign up to deter burglars,

saying "Beware of the dog", the reality...

BUZZER

Maybe I'm just a genius, but I've got "dog".

APPLAUSE

I was walking through Belfast's lovely Botanic Gardens this morning.

There were a number of people out there walking their beloved pet,

hoping for some attention from other single people.

This is the guarantee that, when you are walking your pet,

you will get noticed. Absolutely no doubt about that.

-Why will you get noticed, Des?

-You will get noticed by many people,

probably, firstly, the RSPCA.

And, if like me, if you've ever misunderstood

what dogging actually was, well...

..this could be the outfit for you.

That's right. Where canine meets 69.

People thought it was controversial

having the Slutty Puppy round in Crufts...

BUZZER

Yes!

APPLAUSE

Very good.

I have to say, for a second there, I actually couldn't see that

and I thought you had actually written "Slutty Puppy"!

OK, continue.

Dress your canine like this and put on a "beware of the dog" sign,

you can guarantee that no burglar will enter your house and not leave

utterly traumatised. It is impossible to lift a telly

out of someone's house whilst wondering

if it's correct to be aroused or not.

I'm quite pleased we haven't got "aroused" on my card.

-DES:

-And who says you have to wear it on your animal?

Where are you going with this, Des?

I'm going for a long walk on a leash with this one.

What self-respecting man out there hasn't thought about putting

a tiny wig on and...

BUZZER

We have "wig"! We both have "wig.

APPLAUSE

Let's have a little look at some of the words that they thought.

Miley Cyrus.

-Just in case.

-Almost.

-We have...

-Tongue.

The dog has a tongue!

There's a certain amount of just writing down things you can see,

in this game.

-That's why we would have gone for...

-Dolly Parton?

-I would have placed

a bet on Dolly Parton coming up in that pitch.

-We should have called it Doggy Parton.

-Yeah.

But, no.

So sorry.

Now, how much do we think this magnificent item retails for?

-That's a £7 job, I would say.

-Susan would know this.

-DES:

-I don't know. I think it's a bit more than that.

-Do you?

-Not a lot more than that. let's be honest.

-No.

It's the costume, not the dog.

That's true, but I think, with the wig involved...

-What do you think about?

-Nine.

-Nine quid?

-Yeah, nine quid.

We paid £24.99 for this

of BBC licence payers' money.

-"It's your BBC".

-You were done.

-You were robbed with that one.

Any idea what the actual outfit is called?

Dastardly and Slutley?

LAUGHTER

-The item is called The Lady Is A Tramp.

-Oh!

-That makes no sense!

-No. Quite a lot of this doesn't make much sense.

If you think that makes no sense, it is now time for, Susan and Mark,

-for your item.

-OK.

We have this gorgeous

-figurine.

-Wow.

-Almost antique.

It could be "contemporary", Mark.

Have a little look at that. Guys, if you can write down

whatever words you think they will use in their sales pitch.

A point for each one you get correct. Buzz in when you have got

a correct answer. OK, pens down. All done.

And...

Susan and Mark, away you go.

What we are really going for here is an educational toy

that is also...a lot of fun.

Now, you may not know this, kids, but in the old days, we used to have

things called "landlines". I know, it sounds silly!

But it's a history lesson for children, as well as an amazing toy,

cos what you can say is... Do you remember those, Mark?

-Those landlines?

-Oh, yeah.

It's impossible for this generation to understand. But not any more,

with this educational and fun item.

Yeah, so you can say to your kids on Christmas, "What kid wouldn't want

"to wake up on Christmas morning and find this at the end of their bed?"

Do you know what I mean? They'd say, "Mummy! Mummy, what is that?"

And I'd say, "That's the best present you're ever going to have

"in your life." It's teaching you things, it's fun.

-"It's a little bit saucy."

-Yeah, it's cheeky, isn't it?

-It's cheeky!

-It's got a sense of humour.

-It's just a bit of fun

for the kids!

I'm laughing already, Susan!

I think it's going to be the best Christmas ever, right, Mark?

-That's right, Susan!

-It's going to be just amazing!

Ho-ho - literally - ho.

So, yeah, that's it. Ho-ho - definitely - ho.

APPLAUSE

Guys, I have to say, no correct words. Let's have a little look

at what you thought the guys were going to pitch.

-OK, so, first up...

-Mm-hm.

-..they went for "desperately lonely".

Apparently, that's not the strongest sales pitch.

"French fancy".

Oh, I see where you have gone with that.

It's kind of fancy and it could be French.

I'm amazed you didn't get a point for French fancy, to be fair(!)

-In my head...

-Yep.

-..I thought we were going to win this.

-I can tell you that this delightful item...

-Yes.

..is the "Seductive fairy French maid

"answering telephone on sofa figurine".

It's catchy, ladies and gentlemen.

-How much do we think we paid for this?

-That's £35.

She's probably about right, I reckon.

It says "Made in China" on the bottom, doesn't it?

-Yeah.

-It also says "£35".

-No!

-It's heavy. It's got some weight on it.

-31.

-Right, 31 quid.

-31. I can tell you

-the actual price was £39.95.

-Oh, come on! Ha-ha-ha!

But, tonight's winners are Susan and Mark!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Before you go, if you think you've used some bad language

in your time, remember, it could be a lot worse.

With bad language like this...

And, finally...

That is all we've got time for! A big thanks to our guests,

to Des Clarke, Mark Watson,

and to our team captains, Susan Calman and Paul Sinha.

I'm Patrick Kielty. Thank you very much, goodnight! Thank you!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE