Episode 6 Bad Language

MUSIC: Scatman (Ski Ba Bop Ba Dop Bop) by Scatman John

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to Bad Language,

the show all about everyday words, phrases and sayings.

-So, if you've tuned in to hear rude and offensive words, like

-BLEEP,

you've come to the wrong place.

LAUGHTER

As always, tonight, helping us blindly stumble

through the minefield of language, are our two teams.

Joining team captain Susan Calman is Lucy Porter!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And with Captain Paul Sinha, it is Rich Hall!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We kick off our first round, entitled Osama Bin Language...

-RAPID GUNFIRE ..where we ask our teams...

-What's with the sound effects?

-What was THAT?

-They told me it was a typewriter.

I have a problem already with the theme song.

-What's the problem with the theme song?

-It's just...it's crap!

-LAUGHTER

-Like somebody just put some drums underneath a livestock auctioneer.

HE MIMICS RAPID SPEECH OF AUCTIONEER

-Welcome!

-Will ye take 10, will ye take 9, will ye take a few?

Do we have any other music in the gallery

-that we can just play in for Rich?

-Yeah.

Is there anything in particular you'd like?

A little Hank Williams, Merle Haggard...

-SUSAN:

-You could sing!

-Patsy Cline...

-Patsy Cline?

-# Crazy-y-y... #

If the audience would actually just like to...

We will do this again and everybody will sing Crazy for Rich.

And then we will start the show. So, after three, 1, 2, 3...

-ALL:

-# Crazy-y-y-y... #

-RICH:

-Get it together, people! It's in C!

# I'm crazy for feeling so lonely

# And I'm crazy for loving

# Yo-o-o-o-ou... #

APPLAUSE

I had NO idea I had that kind of power.

All right, everybody, Hot For Teacher, Bon Jovi, let's go!

LAUGHTER

So, this is Osama Bin Language,

where we ask our teams to nominate a word or a phrase that they think

is a menace to society and should be taken out.

Then our highly intellectual, yet musical audience...

LAUGHTER

..will decide which one should be removed permanently from conversation.

Susan, you're up first.

Which word or phrase gets on your proverbial wick?

Er, the word or phrase I would like to be binned,

well, it's a phrase that I'd like to be binned,

is "think outside the box".

It's essentially said by people who've run out of ideas themselves

but want to make as if they're making some form of effort

to find a solution to a problem.

Now, the thing is, no-one really wants you to think outside the box.

Because if you genuinely think outside the box,

it goes horribly wrong. I don't know if you've got it here.

In Scotland, we've got... There's an electricity company

and they advertise ELECTRICITY with an orang-utan

climbing over buildings.

Now, that has nothing to do with electricity.

But someone in an ad company has gone,

"Let's really think outside the box here."

And someone has gone, "I've got it, an orang-utan on a building.

"That says electricity!"

It's the same as... I saw an advert recently for moisturiser,

with added oxygen.

No-one wants you to think outside the box.

If you were thinking outside the box, you'd say,

"Let's solve global recession by making our currency dog poo.

-"Then it's continually renewable."

-To be honest with you, I think

dog shit as money is a brand-new idea, Susan!

And it's one that I think our audience approve of!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I think that would be great.

"How much is that Mars bar?" "Three turds."

What we think of this? What do we think of thinking outside the box?

The orang-utan thing is all the fault of Aleksandr Orlov, isn't it?

Ever since they worked out a meerkat could successfully advertise,

I don't even know what it is, compare the...

It's just a website, where you compare car insurance.

-It's insurance.

-That's what they do in Britain.

Always have an animal sell you something.

Let's have an animal! Let's have a meerkat, who speaks Russian...

-LAUGHTER

-Let's have a pipe-smoking scarf-wearing meerkat.

There are no meerkats in Russia!

They're in Namibia!

Teams, much bigger than the team on this...show,

were put together to sit in a room and go,

"We need to have a meerkat sell insurance! How are we gonna do it?"

And some guy's driving to work. "Maybe he should smoke a pipe!"

-Guy sitting in traffic. People behind him...

-HE MIMICS CAR HORN

-Get the

-BLEEP

-out of the way! He's going, "I'm gonna bring that up

"at the next meeting. Pipe-smoking meerkat. That is genius!"

That's the point I was trying to make, yes!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What confuses me, I've got car insurance

because I'm a responsible human being.

I thought you were about to say, "I've got meerkats."

You've got a dog, you've got a Churchill dog,

who clearly has been in a horrific car accident.

He's got no use of his lower spine...

In Ireland, we've got so much problems with the Catholic Church

and insurance claims against the Catholic Church now,

that we have the Go Compare Bishop.

APPLAUSE

A little tiny nodding nun, going, "Yes, he did do it!"

Thinking outside the box, we will move on - to Rich.

Rich, what is your phrase you'd like to see binned from the English language?

The phrase, "having said that".

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

OK. Well, you just DID say that. And you made a point.

"What? Oh! He's going back for seconds!,

"He's going to make another point!"

"Blah, blah, blah, blah." OK, you made a point. "Having said that..."

Well, what the fuck now? You're just arguing against yourself!

You can't play rhetorical ping-pong with yourself! OK?

Pick a side, start dominating the conversation,

let somebody else make a point!

You're not sitting at the dinner table.

You're like that fat, greedy bastard at the dinner table -

"I'm going to have the lobster AND the steak." It's steak OR lobster!

Pick one and shut the fuck up!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Having said that...

LAUGHTER

I can't argue against that, to be honest,

because, whenever anyone has that much passion for something,

not only is it a turn-on, but...

Because I am feeling very attracted towards you just know.

Slightly frightened but I think that adds a frisson to it,

as to whether or not he'd kidnap me at the end of it.

-In a kind of a Jamie Dornan in The Fall type way.

-Absolutely!

-Now, THAT'S a contemporary programme!

-You see?

That's how you know. Jamie Dornan, he's THAT good looking.

-He looks like him!

-There's a man in the audience

who kind of looks a bit like Jamie Dornan!

She'd be quite happy for you to come round to her house

and get the binder twine out on her.

-I'd leave the door open!

-APPLAUSE

If you really prodded him, I bet you he'd go!

-Do you know what I mean?

-Don't mention the Prods...

APPLAUSE

I think, Lucy, personally speaking, when they're the person speaking,

it's those things people put at the end of sentences which are obvious.

-PAUL:

-"In my honest opinion."

-SUSAN:

-Yes!

Thereby, giving away that all the other opinions

-are utterly dishonest and lying.

-SUSAN:

-Yes.

If you start a sentence with "in my honest opinion",

you've given away you've been bullshitting for the last two hours.

So, if anyone ever says, "in my honest opinion", pick them up on it.

In my honest opinion, I think it's time to move on.

LAUGHTER Thanks, Rich. Lucy, what gets on your wick?

Well, I've actually gone for a sort of group, a sort of genre of words,

which is acronyms.

And, see, I think it's particularly relevant,

given our geographical location.

When I was growing up - my dad is Northern Irish -

and we used to talk about Northern Irish politics in our house.

I got very confused because my grandfather was in the RUC.

He was Catholic but he was in the RUC,

which I now realise means we were hated by everybody. It was like...

So, we would talk about all this.

My dad would try to explain to me.

And I just got very confused because it was like, you know,

the RUC are the against the IRA and UDF and UVF.

And then there's the OMG, which I believe was the IRA's gay wing...

LAUGHTER

You don't hear much about them. Fabulous balaclavas, apparently.

You do find that people, you know,

they use them in the wrong way.

And my wife's pregnant at the minute and because I'm over 40,

a mate of mine in the pub the other night, he said,

"So, was a natural, or was it UVF?"

LAUGHTER

Sometimes you just think you could have more fun with them.

People don't like the RUC, again,

it became the Police Service of Northern Ireland, the PSNI.

What was wrong with the Northern Ireland Police Service, the NIPS?

-LAUGHTER

-Got in trouble, get the nips out. That's my philosophy in life.

Nobody wants to get caught by the nips!

LAUGHTER

That's the problem there!

Exactly.

Oh, hang on, maybe a few of us might disagree with that!

I was going to say, don't make general statements like that

-because...

-Jamie Dornan...

-We're up for a good time. Yeah?

A nipple clamp, is that what we're discussing, is it?

No, I thought we were talking about being caught by the nipples.

-Oh, caught by the nips?

-So, if later on, we would grease ourselves up...

-Yes!

-And then run around naked and

you'd have to catch people by their nipples...

LAUGHTER

And only if you caught them by the nipples could you get a kiss.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thanks, Lucy. Paul, what word would you like to bin?

Er, I don't know if it's got rid of or just never said to me again.

But the phrase is, "So, does your family celebrate Christmas?"

It is...

LAUGHTER

People are scared to give you the politest thing,

like a Christmas card or an invitation to a Christmas dinner,

cos they genuinely think there's a possibility

I might be offended by getting some sort of Christmas invitation.

Let me explain. My family are Hindus.

By definition, we're not taking religion very seriously.

I don't know if you've ever looked at Hinduism.

Flying monkeys, a woman with 25 arms -

we're more of a bad acid trip than an actual religion.

And we are also British Asians

and we take a British Asian view of Christmas,

which is that the most important thing about Christmas

is to cook a bigger turkey than any other British Asian family.

That is... Instead of not celebrating Christmas,

my family take Christmas uber-seriously.

When I say it should be taken out of the English language,

what I want to say is, people, don't ask me if my family really celebrate

Christmas, because they celebrate Christmas with an intensity

and a passion that genuinely I find frightening.

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

Do the rest of us celebrate Christmas

or do we just try to get through it as best we can?

Celebrate is a strong word.

Celebrate is a strong word for Christmas, isn't it?

I mean, I love it. We do the...

We have, in our Christmas, we have three types of potato,

which is my favourite thing about it. We have roast, boiled and mash.

People in Ireland - not impressed by only three types of potatoes.

LAUGHTER

-Just amateurs.

-Just three?

OK, and now we hand this over to our learned audience to decide

which of these phrases should go into the bin of bad language,

by enthusiasm.

We first had Susan, "think outside the box".

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We had Rich, "having said that".

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Lucy with her acronyms.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And finally Paul, "So, does your family celebrate Christmas?"

APPLAUSE AND LOUD CHEERING

Going into the bin of bad language

is "So, does your family celebrate Christmas?"

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And we move on.

Our next round is called I'll Get Me Quote,

where we give some of our teams

some words of wisdom from best-selling celebrity authors.

All you've got to do is to work out who wrote what.

Paul and Rich, it's you to go first. And here is your quote.

There it is, fellas. Who might those words be from?

Donald Trump, Andre Agassi, Katie Price or Caitlin Jenner?

Oh, I think I know who it isn't, which is Donald Trump.

Because the one thing he would never do is admit that

that ridiculous haircut is fake.

That's what will propel him into the White House, is just,

"I promise to reveal my hair if elected."

How can a man control a people if he can't control his fucking hair?

Donald Trump wants to build a wall,

400 miles long, to keep out the Mexicans.

Who does he think is going to build that wall?

LAUGHTER

-I don't believe that either Bruce or Caitlin...

-Jenner.

..a woman would ever use the word hairpiece.

We actually have a picture of him as Bruce, former Olympic decathlete.

-That looks like real hair, doesn't it?

-It does look like real hair.

I think in this country we don't necessarily know just how big

Bruce Jenner was in America. Because he was, as you say,

the Olympic decathlon champion. He was an absolute icon

of American sporting masculinity in the mid-'70s.

They didn't get much luck

cos the only one that really rivalled him was OJ Simpson.

I haven't really heard what's happened to him in recent years...

He's in jail at the moment being told that he is a woman.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

You can guess what's going on there.

I'm a massive, massive sports fan. I'm a massive football fan.

I am obsessed with sport.

The...eighth event of a decathlon is the pole vault

and you would have to be an absolute miracle worker, I think,

to have a hairpiece that stayed on whilst you were clearing

5 metres 20 in a pole vault.

If you're pole vaulting and you went over the bar

but your toupee went under...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

OK, so, who said it?

-Lads?

-I think it's Andre Agassi.

His dad was an Iranian boxer at the Olympics in 1948 and 1952

and he did an autobiography where he made some amazing allegations,

including a lot of problems with drugs and the fact that

that photograph that you see of him there, that's not his real hair.

It's completely fake,

and he admitted this in his autobiography.

The answer to this is Andre Agassi.

I think it might even be the 1990 French Open.

That's the depth of my...

LAUGHTER

That, right there, was worth a point.

To be honest with you, you've already got an extra point

for, "Does a hairpiece go over a pole vault?"

APPLAUSE

OK, you're going for Andre Agassi.

-And I'll look like a right bell end if I'm wrong.

-Guys?

Well, I happen to know that it was actually

Donald Trump in the 1975 World Pole Vaulting Championship.

-Katie Price?

-Katie Price.

Yeah, we'll go for Katie Price then, please.

OK, I can tell you that the quote is from

Andre Agassi.

APPLAUSE

And Paul was right. It was the 1990 French Open.

-How did you know that?

-I like my tennis, that's all I can say.

Apparently every night in the 1990 French Open,

Andre Agassi knelt down on his knees

and prayed that his hair wouldn't fall off, so...that's...

-He won? He won?

-He won, yeah.

-Whilst worrying about his hair.

Isn't that amazing that you just would have that kind of...?

You know, I do zumba and I'm all worried about, you know, bits and...

I don't know what zumba is. Is that zumba?

LAUGHTER

Cos if that's zumba, I think I might want to take it up.

All right, Suze and Luce, here is your quote.

-Wow.

-Who wrote that?

Was it Harry Styles, Johnny Rotten,

Victoria Beckham or Bono?

-I have to say before we start, I love Harry Styles.

-Yes. Oh.

-Do you like Harry Styles?

-Only...

It's a funny thing, isn't it, with boy bands,

where when you're young, you go, "Oh, they're hot"?

And now, at 42, I look at him and I just think,

"I could teach him things in the bedroom he's never dreamt of."

I'm just maternal now.

I think I'd like to rip his clothes off just to wash and iron them.

-Victoria Beckham, love her.

-Yeah, I'm a huge, huge fan of her.

I bought one of her dresses as this special kind of...

oh, special treat for me. Didn't look like her.

Didn't look like her at all.

I now am catered for by the Marks & Spencer's

You've Let Yourself Go Slightly range.

-But the trousers with the elastic on the back.

-Oh.

-Oh, thank God for them.

-Do you know?

LAUGHTER

Do continue, ladies.

Smart at the front, looks like normal trousers at the front.

Small bit of elastic at the back, which means that

-when you sit down or have a large meal...

-Yes.

..you don't need to change your trousers.

My missus bought two pairs of pregnancy jeans and I decided...

I asked her... She was only going to buy one and I said,

"Get two, a pair for me for Christmas."

-Once you get the Guinness in...

-I also had...

-This is probably too much information.

-No, no.

I have continued to wear...

When you do nursing bras, you'll get to know these.

And the nursing bra has a little clip for quick release,

and I still use those to surprise my husband occasionally,

because you can just...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Boom.

-Genuinely, Lucy, who do you think?

-I think... I'm torn.

I'm torn between Johnny Rotten and Bono.

-"In fact, I changed music twice."

-Hm.

-"I

-changed." I.

I think that means... I was leaning towards Victoria Beckham,

but I don't think she would say,

"I changed music," cos she was girl power,

-she was part of the...

-And you love a bit of girl power.

Love a bit of girl power, love the Spice Girls.

-Let's have a little look at this photo, Susan.

-Oh, God, no.

Oh, come on.

This is Susan Calman's Spice Girl Fan Club membership card.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-Which one did you want to be when you were growing up?

-Sporty.

LUCY LAUGHS

I wanted to be Sporty. I was 21 when I joined.

LAUGHTER

I think it might be Victoria Beckham.

-Oh, she did introduce the use of the vocoder.

-Yeah.

Because before that people had to sing.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Guys, do we have any opinion on this?

First of all, Bono just needs to stop bleating on about

-not finding whatever the

-BLEEP

-he's looking for.

Johnny Rotten may have well changed music twice,

the first time with the Sex Pistols, which introduced punk,

the second time with PIL, because whenever you heard PIL,

you definitely wanted to change the music.

-OK, come on, who do we think the answer is, then?

-Victoria Beckham.

-We should stick with our gut.

-Victoria Beckham.

-Guys?

-PAUL:

-It's difficult. I mean, I have been in a boy band, two of them.

-And...

-Was that on a stag weekend?

A very good one indeed, yes.

I think we're...

-Jeez.

-I think it's Johnny Rotten.

Johnny Rotten would have definitely said "Yeah, I changed it twice."

OK, I can tell you that...

it was Johnny Rotten.

APPLAUSE

Now, as we know, language can be used for both good and for evil,

to inspire and seduce, or to make us buy useless crap

from the Home Shopping Channel when we come in pissed from the pub,

and in our next round

we ask our teams to abandon the need for truth and embrace

the language of advertising to sell a genuine range of items.

First of all, it is Paul and Rich.

This is your item.

LAUGHTER

If you'd like to examine it, get your thoughts together.

The girls are frantically writing what

they think the lads will use in their pitch.

Pens down, please. Time is up.

And Rich and Paul?

Hi, we're Paul and Rich.

I'm Rich.

And I'm Paul.

And we are here...

To sell an incredible product based on people's holidays to India.

I've been to India 15 times.

It's a great country, but it is spoiled by middle-class guilt.

The number of poverty stricken people that would want to do

anything to make your life better.

So what you want is a different scenario, a substitute,

something that can do the menial tasks for you,

and this is exactly where this comes in, isn't it, Rich?

Yes. Thank you so much for those...

LAUGHTER

..wonderful words, Paul.

How many times, men,

have you had your shoe shined

and felt that the person shining your shoes

was being put in a subservient position?

Because if the person or thing shining your shoes were more

successful than you and were making more money, let's say

a famous celebrity, a singer, you wouldn't feel so bad about it.

Ladies and gentleman, introducing Shine Aid O'Connor.

APPLAUSE

Paul and I will now demonstrate how this guilt-free device works.

Paul, would you like your shoes shined?

Oddly enough, I would, Rich, yes.

Well, I'm not going to do it.

But look what I have here.

It's Shine Aid O'Connor.

When it comes to shoe-shining devices,

nothing compares to you.

LAUGHTER

-APPLAUSE

-We will demonstrate how this works.

-Boy, Paul, your shoes look a little scruffy.

-They do, yes.

Well, step forward and let Shine Aid shine your shoes for you.

Any cloth will do.

We simply put the cloth on the shoe and turn on Miss O'Connor.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Wow! Whoa! It's blinding me!

Essentially... we had no chance there.

-I think that's...

-So, how much do we think this retails for?

£14.99. £14.99.

-PAUL:

-£40. It's a work of art.

It's Sinead O'Connor, for God's sake.

The Sinead O'Connor shoe-shiner retails for...

£5.

CHEERING

OK, Susan and Lucy, you're up next.

Here is your genuine item that we're going to ask you to sell

this evening.

OK.

And if you have a little look at that,

we're going to ask Rich and Paul to write down as many words as they can

that the girls will mention whenever they're giving their sales pitch.

For every one you get right, just buzz in, we'll give you a point.

Pens down, guys.

Or keep writing.

LAUGHTER

To be honest, I couldn't care less.

Your sales pitch starts now. Take it away.

I know you're thinking, "I know what this is."

-This has a practical purpose, hasn't it, Lucy?

-It does indeed,

Susan, and I'm glad you brought that up, cos we've all been

-in this situation, haven't we, ladies and gentlemen?

-We have.

-You're in the supermarket.

-Supermarket.

Oh, what's that we need, Susan?

-Cat food.

-Cat food, Susan.

It's for smaller ladies in supermarkets

so they don't need to ask gentlemen

for their assistance in the supermarket.

Or indeed if you're buying one of your special magazines

-that you like.

-Special magazines.

We've always had to have a man attached to us to help us.

Now we can live normal lives,

like normally sized people.

APPLAUSE

It is indeed the boyfriend pillow.

Well done, Susan and Lucy.

That means that tonight's winners are Paul and Rich. Congratulations.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Commiserations to Susan and to Lucy.

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

And before we go,

if you think you've used some bad language in your time,

remember, it could be a lot worse

with bad language like this...

LAUGHTER

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

Or bad language like this...

LAUGHTER

That's all we have time for. A big thanks to tonight's teams.

To Susan Calman and Lucy Porter, to Paul Sinha and Rich Hall.

I'm Patrick Kielty. Good night.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING