Bells Blackadder

HE MOANS AND GROANS

Father...I must speak. Eh?

I cannot stay silent. All day long, you mutter to yourself,

gibber, dribble,

moan, and bash your head, yelling "I want to die!"

Now, you may say I'm leaping to conclusions but...

..you're not COMPLETELY happy, are you?

..It's mother, isn't it?

NO, IT'S NOT! You're brooding over her death!

Kate, your mother is NOT DEAD! She's run off with uncle Henry.

Dear father, I know you say that to comfort me.

Your mother is living happily in Droitwich! It's not HER I brood over.

I'm sad because, my darling, our poverty is now so extreme that I can no longer afford to keep us,

and must look to my own dear, tiny darling to sustain me in my frail dotage.

But, father, surely... Yes, Kate...

..I want you to become a prostitute.

NEVER, Father! DO YOU DEFY ME?

Indeed I do! It is better to die poor than to live in shame and ignominy.

It isn't!

I am young and strong and clever - my nose is pretty -

I'll find some way to make a living.

Oh, please, go on the game!

It's a steady job...

..and you'd be working from home.

Goodbye, father.

I shall go to London, disguise myself as a boy and seek my fortune!

Why walk to London when you can make a fortune lying on your back?

Oh - very good shot, my lord.

Thank you, Baldrick.

-Sorry I'm late.

-Oh, don't apologise. I'm sorry you're alive.

Ha, Ha!

Ah good, I see the target's ready.

-I'd like to see the Spaniard who could get past me!

-Go to Spain, there are millions of them.

-They'd better stay there - away from our women!

-Oh, God! Who this time?

I don't know what you mean!

Ooogh!

-Ah! And who is Jane?

-I am sworn to secrecy! Torture me, kill me - you shall never know!

THUD

-Ooogh! Jane Harrington.

-Aah!

-We are deeply in love.

-THE Jane Harrington?

-YES!

Jane "Bury me in a Y-shaped coffin" Harrington?

I...I think, maybe there are TWO Jane Harringtons.

-No. Tall, blonde, elegant...?

-That's right.

-..Goes like a privy door in a plague?

-My lord!

Come on, get on with your shot.

You'll get over her...

-I

-did.

So did Baldrick.

Aaagh!

Damn!

-She has this thing about beards.

-In that case, I'm going to shave.

-Bad luck, Balders.

-Not to worry, my lord, the arrow didn't enter my body.

-Oh, good.

By a thousand to one chance, my willy got in the way.

How extraordinary!

Yeah, I'd only just put it there, but now I will leave it there forever.

Quite...it can be your lucky willy.

Yes, my lord. I'll show it to my grandchildren.

-Grandchildren may now be impossible.

-Aaagh!

Poor old pea-brain! Never catch me falling in love. That's sure as mustard.

-THREE SHARP KNOCKS

-Come in!

-Good day to you, Lord Blackadder!

-And to you...

..boy. What is it brings you here?

I'm an honest lad, but POOR, and I must support my mad father.

I have come to London to seek a servant's wage.

Unfortunately I have a servant.

The word is...that your servant in the worst in London.

That's true.

Baldrick - you're fired!

-Well, young man, the job's yours. What do they call you?

-Kate.

Isn't that a bit of a...GIRL's name?

Oh, it's um...short for...erm...

..Bob.

-"Bob"?

-Yes.

Well, Bob - welcome on board.

Sorry, Baldrick, why are you still here?

I've got nowhere to go, my lord.

Oh, they'll let you starve to death in one of the Royal Parks.

-I've served you since I was a baby.

-Probably why I'm so sick of you.

Couldn't I just stay and work for nothing?

-Well, you'd have to live...

-In the gutter?

-Yes.

-And work a bit harder.

-Yes, my lord.

Fine, bring Bob's stuff in and chuck yours out.

God bless you, master!

Now, Bob. Oh... Bob, this is Percy -

a dimwit I can't shake off.

Ha! Hello there, Bob! You young Roister Doister, you!

You look a likely sort of lad for tricks and sports and all sorts of jolly, rosy-cheeked caperings, eh?

Course you do - and more besides, I'll warrant, you young scamp!

-Thank you for taking me in, my lord.

-Oh, I look forward to having you...

..er...having another man about the house instead of Baldrick...

Excuse me, I'm going to the lavatory.

How little he knows!

And how much I would have him know!

Bob, this calls for a celebration. How about a game of cup and ball,

and a slap-up tea at Mrs Miggins' pie-shop?

Get lost, creep!

Ha, ha! I like you, young Bob! You've got BALLS!

Nice try, Melchie, but it's no use. I'm still bored!

I'm sorry, madam, your royal father liked my impersonation of Columbus.

Doesn't surprise me. He used to laugh at...

-You know... Funny faces and bells.

-Jesters, madam.

No... Lepers!

Where's Edmund, these days?

-The whisper is that Lord Blackadder is spending all his time with a young boy in his service.

-Oh...

-Would he spend more time with me if

-I

-was a boy?

-Surely not, madam.

-You almost WERE a boy, cherry pip.

-What?

-Yeah!

Out you popped and everybody shouted "It's a boy!". Then someone said "It hasn't got a winkle."

And then I said "A boy without a winkle? God be praised, it's a miracle, a boy without a winkle!"

And then, Sir Thomas More pointed out that a boy with no winkle is a girl. And everyone was really disappointed.

Very perceptive man, Sir Thomas More.

Where IS Edmund? It's very odd for someone to spend all their time with a servant.

ORCHESTRA PLAYS: "Greensleeves"

Well, Bob. We're a couple of fine lads, aren't we? Let's get ratted and talk about girls, eh?

We could sing some really dirty songs and...

..Oh, God! I find you curiously pleasant company, young Bob.

I am honoured and, myself, want only to be with you..."old man".

Yes, well, absolutely, there's nothing more healthy and more normal than having a good...chum.

What think you, my lord, of...love?

You mean rumpy-pumpy?

-What would you say, my lord, if I were to say..."I love you"?

-Erm...

Well...it depends on who you said it to.

To a horse, I'd presume you were sick...um...

To Baldrick, I'd presume you were blind and...

-..to me...

-Yes, my lord...

-Well...

..Well, I'd assume we were having a big lads' joke about back-ticklers the way we healthy fellows do.

Then a friendly wrestle and we'd slap each other's thighs

and LAUGH at what it would be like if we really did...

..fancy each other.

In that case, my lord... I love you.

LOUD LAUGHTER AND PLAYFUL GROWLS

DOOR OPENS

Don't worry, Bob - he used to try and kill ME, too.

-Good to see you! What do you want?

-Could I sleep on the roof, sir?

-The bailiff says if I lie in the gutter I'll end up in the Thames with the other turds.

-Certainly.

Help yourself. I was just off to...to bed, anyway.

Um... Goodnight, Baldrick.

Goodnight...Bob.

Goodnight...my lord.

Yes...

Oh, God...

Now then, what seems to be the trouble?

Well... It's my manservant.

Well, don't be embarrassed.

If you've got the pox, just pop your "manservant" on the table and we'll take a look.

-No, no...it's my REAL manservant.

-Aha? And what's wrong with him?

Nothing, that's the problem.

He's perfect and, last night, I almost kissed him.

I see, you've started fancying boys, have you?

-Not "boys", A BOY.

-Let's not split hairs.

-It's disgusting and you're worried.

-Of course I am.

Naturally! It's not every day you discover

you're a screaming bender with no more right to life than a weasel.

-Ashamed?

-Not really.

-Bloody hell!

-I

-would be!

Still, it leaves more rampant totty for us REAL men, eh?

-Look, is this abuse extra?

-No, all part of the service.

I think you're in luck, though. I've an extraordinary new cure for just this kind of sordid problem.

-Something involving leeches?

-I'd no idea you were a medical man!

Whatever I've had, you lot have used leeches. One on my ear for ear-ache,

-on my bottom for constipation.

-Marvellous!

That one wasn't. I sat down and squashed it.

-Leeches come to us on the highest authority.

-Dr Hoffman of Stuttgart?

-The great Hoffman.

-Owner of Europe's largest leech-farm.

-Yes.

Well, I've no time for gossip. As far as this case is concerned,

I've had time to think it over and I can strongly recommend a course...

..of leeches. Just pop them down my codpiece before I go to bed!

No, no, no! We're not in the Dark Ages.

Just dissolve four in your mouth every morning.

In a fortnight, you'll be whipping your servant as normal.

You're just an old quack.

Better than being a ducky. Good day!

Anything to follow, my lord?

There's a lovely fat spider I found in the bath.

I WAS saving it for myself, but if...

Baldrick, I don't eat invertebrates for FUN! This is doctor's orders!

I don't trust this new doctoring. Any problems, I go to the wise woman.

Well, I'm past trusting a deranged druid

whose professional address is 1, Dunghill Mansions, Putney.

HIDEOUS CACKLING

Tell me, young crone, is this Putney?

-That it be - that it be.

-"Yes, it is", not "That it be"!

You don't have to use that stupid voice to me - I'm not a tourist.

I seek a wise woman.

-Huuh?! Wise woman? The WISE woman?

-Yes - the wise woman.

-Two things, my lord, must ye know of the wise woman.

-Yes?

First, she is...

..a WOMAN.

And second... SHE IS...

Wise?

-You DO know her, then!

-NO!

Just a wild stab in the dark -

which is what you'll get if you don't start being more helpful.

-Do you know where she lives?

-Course!

-Where?

-Here.

-Do you have an appointment?

-No.

Well, you can go in, anyway.

Thank you, crone. Here's a purse...

..which I shan't give you.

-Hail Edmund, lord of adders black!

-Hello.

Step no nearer, for I see your bloody purpose.

Thou plottest, Blackadder.

Thou wouldst be King and drown Middlesex in a butt of wine!

SHE LAUGHS MANICALLY

No, no, far worse than that. I'm in love with my manservant.

-Oh, well, I'd sleep with him if I were you.

-What?

When I fancy people, I sleep with them.

I have to drug them first, of course -

being so old and warty.

-What about my position, my social life?

-All right.

Three other paths are open to you. Three cunning plans to cure thine ailment.

-Oh, good!

-The first is simple...

-KILL BOB!

-Never!

-Then try the second... KILL YOURSELF!

-Mmm...and the third?

The third is to ensure that no-one else EVER knows.

Ah, better! How?

Kill everybody IN THE WHOLE WORLD!

Ah...hah!

BOB TRILLS "GREENSLEEVES"

Now, look here, Bob. This is important. Listen carefully.

Yes.

Look, Bob. I've decided that you are to leave my services.

My lord. My father will starve, and I'll have to become...

..a male prostitute. Besides, I thought we were friends!

But we are friends, Bob, of course, of course, of course......of course, of course, of course, of course!

That's the reason I want you to leave my service... and become my live-in chum.

Oh, my lord!

Now, I am not interested in what's in your tights!

-You might be, my lord, if you knew what I kept in them.

-Ha...I think I know, thank you very much.

-But, my lord, I have a great secret.

-What?!

-Prepare to be...amazed!

-Oh, no, a birthmark shaped like a banana?

-No.

-Or a tattoo, saying "Get it here"?

-No.

-Oh, God - one of those belly-buttons that sticks out!

-No, my lord.

What can it possibly be?

Aah! ..Good lord!

What was the "Bob" stuff about then?

-Because you'd have used me and cast me aside as you have so many women before.

-Ha! Would I?

-Yes!

But now you've grown to love what I really am.

Yes, that's true. ..And now, I want to marry you...Bob.

KATE.

Then come! Kiss me, Kate!

Ah-hem. I bring grave news of your former favourite, Lord Blackadder.

Oh good!

It appears he wishes to marry a girl called "Bob".

-That's a very odd name for a girl, isn't it? Girls are normally called Elizabeth...or Mary.

-And Donald.

-Mouthy's open, nursie. Should be shut!

-It's true! I had three sisters - Donald, Eric and Basil.

-But your name's Nursie?

-Not really.

-Isn't it?

-No.

-What IS it, then?

-Ah!

Bernard.

Suits you, actually.

-Your majesty!

-Hello, stranger!

-I wish to wed. So I hear. Melchie - what do you think?

-I am amazed that Blackadder could have eyes for any other woman than yourself.

-Good point!

But a bit grovelly!

But when I fell in love, ma'am, I thought this "woman" was A BOY.

Oh, well, that's perfectly acceptable then (!)

-Oh, all right - go on and marry her.

-Thank you, ma'am.

Just tell me ONE thing...

..is her nose as pretty as mine?

Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO, ma'am.

Oh GOOD! Otherwise, I would have cut it off. And you'd have had to marry someone with no nose.

-And you wouldn't like that!

-No, ma'am.

I mean, imagine the mess when she got a cold! Yukk!

Well, quite, ma'am.

All right - off you go then!

Everyone seems to get married, except me!

And me.

Oh, shut up, Bernard!

You'll make a LOVELY bridesmaid, Baldrick.

I have no girl-chums as we were so poor, we couldn't afford friends.

Oddly fitting for US to have a MAN as maid of honour.

Thank you.

"Man" in the broadest sense of the word.

God created man in his own image. A sad day for Christianity if He was anything like you, Baldrick.

Ignore old Mr Grumpy!

There you are, Balders.

You look sweet as a little pie.

Kate - he looks like... a dungball in a dress!

Oh, Edmund...

Hello there!

Edmund, you didn't say we had guests!

And such a pretty one, too!

Oh...God!

Well, you're a little cuty to hide yourself away so long!

Well, GORGEOUS, what's your name?

Baldrick!

Baldrick... That's a pretty name.

Edmund had a servant called Baldrick.

But, away with such small talk.

-Lady - a kiss!

-What?!

And so modest, too! Come on, you little tease. You know you want to.

-Give us a kiss!

-All right, if you say so.

PERCY CHOKES

Dear! What an original perfume!

That IS our Baldrick. He's wearing a dress!

-Bleeagh! Eugh! Eugh! Eugh!

-Anyway...

..what do you want?

-BUTCH VOICE:

-Well, there's been some discussion around court as to who's going to be your best man,

and I thought now might be the moment to settle it.

-Ah, yes, Percy. I would like YOU...

-I'm so PROUD!

I would like YOU to take this letter to Dover,

where lies the ship of my fellow adventurer, Lord Flashheart.

HE shall be my best man.

Lord Flashheart? The best sword, the best shot, the best sailor...

..and the best kisser in the kingdom.

-Even he! To Dover at once.

-Yes...

-Actually, I was going to suggest Lord Flashheart for best man, myself.

-Oh, really?

WISTFUL VIOLIN REFRAIN

PERCY EXPLODES IN SOBS

-Edmund, I can't believe it's happening.

-It is, my sweet.

-Before we go in, I want you to meet my father.

-Oh, fine!

Excuse me, could you move along, please?

I'm expecting my father-in-law. Last thing I want is some old tramp blocking the corridor.

I AM your father-in-law.

Oh, no! All right - how much do you want?

Edmund, how could you? He's my father!

Ten pounds.

-Father!

-All right, there we go.

Edmund, you mustn't!

Don't worry. Baldrick will beat him up and get it back. Come on.

Ah, Edmund. Could we get on, do you think? I want to get squiffy and seduce someone.

-Unfortunately my best man has not yet arrived.

-Get another!

-Well, I can't think WHO.

Ah-hem!

-Sorry, Percy?

-..Nothing, my lord, just clearing my throat.

-Good.

Don't want you coughing through the ceremony.

Oh, come on, you must be able to think of another best man!

Well, I suppose I could ask Percy...

-MY LORD!

-Can you think of another best man?

-Well, my lord, one name does spring to mind.

-Yes, but Baldrick's a bridesmaid.

Besides, I need a friend, an equal, an old and trusty companion.

I think there is one person here like that.

Of course! Nursie!

Fancy putting on hose and being my best man?

-Edmund, you know perfectly well who Percy means.

-Sorry... Melchett.

-EEEK!

-All right! Ashamed though I am and contradiction in terms though it is. Percy - you can be best man.

OH, MY LORD! Noble coz! What an honour!

-I brought a ring...

-I really thought Flash would have come!

LOUD CRASH, THEN A HORSE WHINNIES

It's me!

Flash by name. Flash by nature!

Hooray! ALL: Hooray!

-Where have you been?

-Where HAVEN'T I been? WOOF! But I'm here now! And...

WHO is THAT?

-I don't know, but he's in your place.

-Not for long!

Hold that.

Thanks, bridesmaid! LIKE THE BEARD!

Gives me something to HANG ON to!

So, me ol' mate Eddy's getting hitched, eh?

Can't you stand the pace of the "in" crowd?

-Hi, queenie - you look sexy! WOOF!

-WOOF!

But wear your hair long. I prefer it that way!

I've got such a crush on him!

And Melchie!

Still worshipping God? My lord...

Apparently, he's now worshipping me!

HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!

Woof! Nursie...

I like it - firm and fruity!

Am I pleased to see you, or did I just put a canoe in my pocket?

Down, boy!

And now, where's this amazing bird

who's stopped my old pal Eddie doing exactly what he wants - ten times a night?

Ah, yes...er...Flash... My...my fiancee, Kate.

Hi, baby!

KATE WHIMPERS...

..AND MOANS

Ah! A tongue like an electric eel and a taste for a MAN's tonsils!

He's a jerk, baby. Meet me on my horse in...eight seconds.

I can't run in this. I prefer BOY's clothes.

Weird! I always feel more comfy in a dress!

I've got a plan. And it's as HOT as my PANTS!

What a man, eh? Things'll liven up round here now he's back, eh, Fla...

Flash?

Bye, suckers! If you get bored with life, give me a call!

Goodbye, Edmund! Hooray!

It is customary, at such times, for the groom and bridesmaid to marry.

Do you intend to honour this?

I do.

# So, Flashheart tweaked the Adder's beard,

# From now, he always shall be single

# To fall in love with boys is weird

# Especially boys without a tingle

# Blackadder, Blackadder

# His taste is rather odd

# Blackadder, Blackadder

# A randy little sod

# Lord Flashheart, Lord Flashheart

# I wish you were the star

# Lord Flashheart, Lord Flashheart

# You're sexier by far! #

Subtitles by Neville Watchurst - 1994 -