Duel and Duality Blackadder

The colours are:

-Edmund Blackadder...

-YELLOW

-Baldrick...

-GREEN

-Prince George...

-CYAN

-Oh, Mr Blackadder...

-Leave me alone! If I'd wanted to talk to a vegetable I'd have bought one.

-Don't you want this message?

-No, thank you.

It's no life for a noble to serve a master with a walrus's intellect and the social graces of a potty.

-I'm wasted, too. I'm thinking of bettering myself.

-Really how?

-I applied for the job of village idiot of Kensington.

-Get anywhere?

-I failed the final interview.

-What went wrong?

I turned up the other idiot forgot to!

I'm afraid my ambitions stretch somewhat further.

I want to be remembered. I want books written about me and songs sung about me.

Hundreds of years on, I want episodes from my life

to be played out weekly by some great heroic actor of the age.

And I could be played by some tiny tit in a beard.

-What's this message?

-I thought you didn't want it?

-It depends...

-So you DO want it?

-It depends...

-You didn't want to know. Now

-I

-don't know where I live or what my name is.

Your name is of no importance and you live in the pipe upstairs in the WC.

-Did you get this from a red-headed lunatic with a kilt and claymore?

-Yeah. He looked exactly like you!

My mad cousin MacAdder. The most dangerous man ever to wear a skirt in Europe!

-He come in 'ere playing bagpipes, made a haggis, sang Auld Lang Syne and punched me in the face.

-Why?

-I called him a Scottish pillock.

-Unwise, Baldrick. MacAdder is a homicidal maniac.

My mother said to stand up to them.

If this is the mother who claims you are a tall, handsome stallion of a man

-I'd treat her opinions with caution.

-I love my Mum.

I love chops and sauce, but I don't seek their advice!

I HATE MacAdder. He's a frog-eyed, beetle-browed, basket-case!

-He's your spitting image.

-He's NOT ! We're like dissimilar things in a pod.

What's the old tartan throwback banging on about this time?

"Have come south for rebellion...

"Staying with Miggins... The time has come... Best sword in Scotland. Insurrection...blood...

"..Large bowl of porridge... ..rightful claim to throne..." He's mad!

He's madder than Mad Jack McMad, the winner of last year's "Mr Madman" competition!

-DING-A-LING-A-LING >

-Ah, the walrus awakes!

Ah...Blackadder... Notice anything...unusual ?

Yes, sir. It's 11.30am and you're moving about!

-Is the bed on fire?

-I wouldn't know. I've been out ALL night.

Guess what I'VE been doing! G-R-R-R-R-R-R-R !!

-Beagling, sir (?)

-Better even than that!

-I've had the most wonderful evening of my life!

-Tell me all, sir (!)

When I set out, I looked divine. At the party, as I passed, all eyes turned.

-And a few stomachs!

-That's right.

And then these two RAVISHING beauties came to me and whispered in my ear that they loved me.

What happened when you woke up?

This was no dream, Blackadder.

Soon I was in a coach, flying through London to the ladies' home.

Was this a ladies' home for the elderly or the mentally disadvantaged?

This was Apsley House. You know it?

It's the Duke of Wellington's. I fancy they would be his nieces.

You fancy them too! I don't blame you.

I spent a night of ecstasy with a pair of Wellingtons!

The Iron Duke has said he will kill, in cold blood, anyone taking sexual advantage of his relatives.

-He's fighting the French in Spain. He'll never know.

-Wellington triumphed 6 months ago!

-I'm dead!

-It would seem so, sir.

-I haven't a prayer!

Against throat-slasher Wellington, His Majesty's finest blade? No.

-Then I shall flee. How's your French?

-Parfait, but France isn't far enough.

-How's your Mongolian!?

-Mmm... Chang-ha-tang...moto-moto.

But Wellington and the Chief Mongol were at Eton together.

-I'm doomed! Doomed as a dodo!

-KNOCK KNOCK

My God! He's here already!

Forgive me, Your Grace. I was a mad, sexually over-active fool.

-Sir, it's Baldrick. You're safe...

-Hoorah!

-..Until 6pm tonight!

-Huroo!

"From Supreme Commander, Allied Forces, Europe...

"Sir, when a man soils a Wellington he puts his foot in it.

"This is not a joke. I do not find my name remotely funny and people who do end up dead.

"I challenge you to a duel in which you will die.

"Apologies for your impending death. Duke of Wellington."

Sounds polite.

-HE SOBS

-Don't worry, sir, please.

-Life is filled with pain, misery, hunger and despair.

-Not for me, it isn't!

-It's a big palace full of food and drink!

-May I speak, sir?

Certainly not! The Prince doesn't want to spend his last moments chatting to a certified plum duff!

Easy! Let's hear him out.

Very well, Baldrick. We shall hear you out. Speak!

Your Majesty, I have a cunning plan to get you out of this problem.

Don't listen, sir. I'll have him shot the moment he's cleared away your breakfast!

Wait! Perhaps this disgusting creature is a blessing in disguise.

A very GOOD disguise!

-Did not Our Lord send an earthworm to comfort Moses in his torment?

-No!

He MIGHT have done. Come on, spotty speak!

I just thought, this Wellington bloke's been in Europe for years...

He don't know what you look like, so why not get someone else to fight the duel instead of you?

-My portrait hangs on every wall.

-Answer that, Baldrick.

My cousin Bert, Mr Gainsborough's butler's dogsbody, says all portraits look the same these days.

They're an ideal, rather than a depiction of the idiosyncratic facial qualities of the subject.

Your cousin, Bert, has a larger vocabulary than you do, Baldrick.

No, he's right, damn him! Anybody could fight the duel. Wellers would never know!

Someone would have to be willing to commit suicide on your behalf.

Yes, yes... but he would be fabulously rewarded money, titles, castles...

-..a coffin...

-I thought Mr Blackadder might fancy the job.

What a SPLENDID idea!

Excuse me, Your Highness... Trouble with the staff.

Baldrick, MUST our valued friendship end with me cutting you into long strips

and telling the Prince you walked over a sharp cattle grid in a heavy hat?

You said you wanted to rise again and the Prince is offering you the lot!

But, tiny brain, the Iron Duke will KILL me.

I'd have to be some kind of homicidal maniac, fantastic at fighting like MacAdder.

MacAdder can fight the duel for me!

My apologies, sir. I've spoken to my insurance people and I'd be delighted to die on your behalf.

I'm damnably grateful. You won't regret this!

One point, sir, re the suicide policy...

..the policyholder must wear a big, red wig and affect a Scottish accent in the combat zone.

Small print, eh?

Ah, Mrs Miggins...

..from your look of exhaustion and the porridge on the walls, I assume my cousin has been here.

Indeed, sir! You've just missed him.

-Did he practise with his claymore?

-Ooohhh...I should say so!

-I feel like a dog that's just climbed Ben Nevis!

-A claymore is a sword!

You see that carving? He whittled that with the tip of his mighty weapon with his eyes closed!

-Exquisite.

-I bit on a plank,

..there was a whirlwind of steel and soon I had a lovely new set of gnashers!

Tell him to meet me here at 5pm to discuss an extremely cunning plan.

By tomorrow, the MacAdder clan will be marching back to glory.

I'll do you a packed lunch!

Good news, Your Highness...

I shall carve the Duke into an attractive piece of furniture with excellent dental work.

-Your Highness...!

-Thank God it's you, Blackadder!

Wellington's on his way here NOW.

-The Duke MUST believe from the start that I am you.

-Any ideas?

We must swop clothes.

Fantastic! Yes, dressing up I LOVE it.

-It's like that story the Prince and the Porpoise...

-The Pauper!

-Oh, yes...

..the Prince and the Porpoise and the Pauper jolly good stuff!

-Excellent! My own father wouldn't recognise me.

-He never can he's mad!

-Oh, yes.

-I shall have to treat you like a servant.

-I can cope with that, Blackadder.

You must call me Your Highness, Your Highness.

-Your Highness, Your Highness.

-Just Your Highness, Your Highness.

I SAID Your Highness, Your Highness, Your Highness, Your Highness.

Let's leave it. Complicated stuff (!)

Big Nose is here! But wha-at...? Who-o-o...? Where...? How...?

Two people you know have swopped coats and you don't know which is which!

I'm confused. Which of us is Wellington?

-Wellington is the man at the door.

-And the porpoise?

We'll just have to fill in without him.

-Sir, if you would let the Duke in...

-Certainly, Your Highness, Your Highness.

-And you'd better get out, too, Baldrick.

-Yes, Your Highness, Your Highness.

If only they had a brain-cell between them!

-The Duke of Wellington!

-Do I address the Prince Regent, sir?

-You do.

Your bearing is nobler than I'd been informed.

-Take my hat at once, or you'll feel my boot in your throat!

-Yes, My Lord.

I'm a Duke! Were you in a dago's dancing class?

-Shall I thrash him, Your Highness?

-He's new. I'm sparing the rod.

Give 'em an inch and they take a foot and you don't have a leg to stand on. OUT !!

Now, sir, to business...

I am informed that your father grows eccentric and believes himself to be...

"A small village in Lincolnshire with spectacular views of the Nene Valley."

-I therefore pass my full account of the war onto you.

-Thank you.

"We won." Signed Wellington.

Was there anything else?

The men had a whip-round and got you this...

What I mean is I had the men roundly whipped until they got it.

It has the regimental crest of two crossed dead Frenchmen emblazoned on a mound of dead Frenchmen motif.

-Thank you. And the other thing?

-Your impending death, Highness.

-Mind like a sieve.

I'm looking forward to it.

We have the finest army and navy in the world. And our royalty...?

A mad Kraut sausage-sucker and a son who can't keep his sausage to himself The sooner you're dead the better!

-You're very kind (!)

-You'll want the latest news of the war. I have my generals' briefs.

-Pop them in the laundry basket on the way out. Tea?

-Yes. Immediately!

Now, let's turn to the 2nd front, My Lord.

Ah, yes. I understand Napoleon is in North Africa and Nelson is in...?

..Alaska, Your Highness in case Boney tricks us by coming via the North Pole.

Y-e-s. Perhaps a preferable stratagem might be to harry him as he leaves the Mediterranean.

..Trafalgar might be a good spot.

I'll mention it to Nelson.

I DO regret having to kill you. I'd been told the Prince was a moron.

-No, no.

-GEORGE WHISTLES Here's your tiresome servant.

-Budge up!

-HOW DARE YOU SIT IN THE PRESENCE OF YOUR BETTERS !

-I forgot...

SPEAK WHEN YOU'RE SPOKEN TO ! OR I'LL FLAY YOU ACROSS A GUN CARRIAGE ! WELL ?

Sir, we no longer treat servants that way in London society.

-I hardly touched the man!

-You hit him very hard.

NONSENSE ! THAT would have been a hard hit.

I just hit him like that.

No, sir. A soft hit would be like this, whereas YOU hit him like this.

I wonder if I might be excused, Your Highness, Your Highness?

Yes, certainly.

-Sorry about that, sir. Have to keep up the pretence.

-Keep up the good work.

-Very well, sir.

HANG ON ! THIS IS BLOODY COFFEE. I ORDERED TEA !

YOU ARE A CONFOUNDED FOOL.

I HEARD THE PRINCE WAS THE IMBECILE, BUT BLACKADDER WAS RESPECTED.

NOW I DISCOVER THE TRUTH, I COULD BEAT YOU TO DEATH. T-E-A-A-A !!

Do you ever stop shouting at the lower orders?

NEVER ! YOU WIN A CAMPAIGN BY SHOUTING AND SHOUTING AGAIN !

You don't think inspired leadership and tactical ability matter?

N-O-O. IT'S ALL DOWN TO SHOUTING. B-A-A-A-A-A-H-H-H !!

I hear conditions in your army are appalling.

I'm sorry, but you'll just have to accept them.

-Until this evening when I kill you.

-I may kill you!

Nonsense! I've never been scratched.

My skin is as smooth as a baby's bottom unlike my bottom!

One point, sir. I should warn you that while duelling, I put on my lucky wig and regimental accent.

It would take a homicidal maniac with a claymore and a kilt to better me!

Well, that's handy.

-I won't leave here till he's OUT of the house!

-KNOCK KNOCK >

-It's alright Your Majesty... I'll see to it.

-Hello, I've brought your buns. Where's Mr Blackadder?

Oh, not upstairs running after that port-swilling, tadpole-brained smelly boots!?

-I don't know who you mean.

-Prince George, Baldrick!

Mr Blackadder says his boots smell so bad, you'd need your nose amputated before taking them off!

-As a joke!

-You wrote a little poem about him...

-I didn't.

You DID ! "In the winter it's cool, in the summer it's hot, but all year round, Prince George is a clot!"

-"Lovely..." I said Prince George is lovely!

-I'd better be off.

Tell Mr Blackadder to expect Mr MacAdder at 5pm.

Once that fat Prussian truffle-pig has his snout wedged into teacakes Grunt, grunt!!

It must be next door you want, stranger I've never seen before, Mrs Miggins.

-Baldrick...

-Yes, Your Highness?

-Did you really write a poem about how lovely I am?

Y-e-s. And Mr Blackadder loves you too (!)

-That's very touching.

-< CLANG-A-LANG-A-LANG !

-I WISH they wouldn't.

Goodbye, sir, and may the best man win. I.e., ME !

-Your tea, sir.

-YOU'RE LATE ! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN FOR IT INDIA ?

Or Ceylon!?

OR CHINA !?

DON'T show me out I don't want to die of old age!

-Ah, Miggins, I thought MacAdder was to be here at 5pm?

-He's just popped out.

You look EVER so similar to each other.

-DID you tell him to be here?

-I DID ! You just keep missing each other.

I'll tell you why it's because there's no coffee shop big enough for TWO Blackadders!

Ah, cousin MacAdder, I trust you are well ? Aye, well enough!

And Morag? She bides fine. And the Clan MacAdder?

They're both well. Jamie and Angus are such fine boys.

Angus is a girl. Of course!

So, I hear you have a cunning plan?

I want you to take the place of the Prince Regent and kill the Duke of Wellington in a duel.

What's in it fur me? Enough cash to buy the Outer Hebrides!

-­

-Fourteen shillings and sixpence!

Tempting! but A've got a better plan...

I could be the Duke and kill the Prince of Wales,

then the King and be crowned with the ancient MacAdder stone bonnet!

And I shall wear the granite gown and limestone bodice of McMiggins and be Queen of all the herds!

For God's sake you're NOT Rob Roy!

You're a top kipper salesman for an Aberdeen fishmonger. Don't chuck it!

The bailiffs will just arrest you.

Oh, blast! I forgot the bailiffs. Can we return to MY plan?

I'd rather go to bed with the Loch Lomond monster!

Besides, I've to be back to shift a difficult bloater for Mr McNulty.

Forget it! I'm off with Miggsie!

-Y-E-S... Show me the glen where the kipper roams free... And forget Morag for ever!

-Never!

We must return to Scotland and you must fight her in the highland way

-bare-breasted and each carrying an eight pound baby!

-Oh, yes. I LOVE babies!

I look forward to burying you in the old highland manner. Farewell, Blackadder. You spineless goon!

Oh, G-o-d... Fortune vomits on my eiderdown once more!

Ah, Blackadder... It has been a wild afternoon full of strange omens.

I dreamt a large eagle circled the room 3 times, got into bed with me and took all the blankets.

Only it WASN'T an eagle, but a large, black snake.

-Duncan's horses turned and ate each other. Good portents for your duel ?

-I'm afraid it's off.

-Off!?

-As in sod. I'm not doing it!

-By thunder, you will stay and do duty by your Prince, or I'll...

-Or WHAT ? You port-brained twerp!

Even when we were babies, I had to show you which bit of your mother served drinks!

Oh, please! I don't want to die. I've got so much to give. I want more time.

A poignant plea, sir. Enough to melt the stoniest of hearts. But the answer remains...

..you're going to die, fat pig!

Wait! I'll give you everything!

-Everything!?

-Everything!

-The money, castles, and jewellery?

-Yes.

-The artistic, but illegal French lithographs?

-Everything!

-The clock where the man comes out and drops his trousers?

-A-alright!

Alright. I accept. A man may fight for many things...

..his country, friends, principles, the glistening tear on the cheek of a child.

-Personally, I'd mud-wrestle my mother for a ton of cash and some French porn. You're on!

-Hoorah!

Now, here's the plan...

-He offers me the swords, I kick him in the nuts and you set fire to the building. We claim a draw.

-Yes.

Ah, let's be about our business.

Don't forget... You...when I...

Come, sir. Choose your stoker.

-Are we going to tickle each other to death?

-No. We fight with cannon!

-I thought we fought with swords!

-SWORDS !?

This isn't the Middle Ages. Only GIRLS fight with swords these days!

-Stand by your gun! Hup, two, three!

-Wait a minute...

STAND BY FOR LOADING PROCEDURE... STOKE ! MUZZLE !

"Congratulations on choosing the Armstrong-Whitworth 4 pounder cannonette.

"It should give you years of trouble-free maiming."

CHECK ELEVATION... CHART TRAJECTORY...

-Prime fuse! A-I-I-I-M...!!

-Wait a minute...

F-I-I-I-I-I-R-E !!

Mr B...! Sir, please... Help me get his coat off.

-It doesn't matter, Baldrick.

-It DOES. Blood's hell to shift!

-You die like a man, sir. In combat.

-You think so?

Dammit, when will the killing end?

You don't think I, too, dream of peace? That I yearn to end this damn dirty job of soldiering?

Frankly, no! My final wish is that Baldrick be sold

to fund a Blackadder Foundation for peace,

and the invention of a machine for cleaning shoes.

Also, I charge... Ugh...!

His Highness is dead.

Actually, I'm not sure I am!

That cigarillo box you gave me was exactly where the cannonball struck!

I SAID smoking was good for you!

Ooohhh... Honour is satisfied!

God has preserved you for greatness! You are saved! H-U-R-R-A-H !

Actually, it's me. I'm His Highness. Well done, Bladders!

-WHAT IN THE NAME OF BONAPARTE IS HE DOING ?

-I AM the Prince. It was all larks.

-Uncommon fine larks!

-I HAVE NEVER ENCOUNTERED SUCH INSOLENCE.

YOUR MASTER SURVIVES AND YOU CHEEK HIM LIKE A FRENCH WHOOPSIE. I CANNOT CONTAIN MYSELF.

BANG !

I...die... I hope men will say of me that...I... did duty by my country.

-If I were you, sir, I'd try for something more realistic.

-Like what?

That men think of you as a bit of a thicky?

Alright. Tood-i-loo, everyone.

Kneel for the King of England! >

Somebody told me my son vas here...

I veesh heem to marry zees rosebush and I vant to make zee arrangements.

Here I am...Daddy.

This is the Iron Duke, who commands your forces.

I recognise zee enormous conk!

He's a hero!

Bravo!

For zee first time in my life I have a real, fatherly feeling about you.

People may say I am stark, raving mad and say "Penguin" after each sentence...

But I believe vee two can make Britain great...

-You as the Prince Regent and I as King Penguin!

-Well, let's hope, eh?

My Lord, will you dine with us? We have a lot to thank you for.

With pleasure. Your father may be mad, but you could make a fine King.

Und eine wunderbare Hochzeit!

Oh, and Baldrick... Clear away that dead butler, will you?

A new star in Heaven tonight. A new freckle on the nose of the giant pixie.

Um, no, Baldrick. I'm not dead.

You see, I had a cigarillo box, too. Look...

Oh, damn! I must have left it on the dresser.

Subtitles by Charlie Menzies BBC Scotland, 1987