Blackadder's Christmas Carol Blackadder


Blackadder's Christmas Carol

Seasonal comedy special. Christmas Eve, 1850. Ebenezer Blackadder is a decent, kind, generous human being - until he gets a glimpse of his loathsome ancestors.


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Transcript


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In the reign of good Queen Vic,

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there stood in Dumpling Lane in London

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the moustache shop of one Ebenezer Blackadder.

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He was the kindest and loveliest man in all England.

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# He's kind and generous to the sick,

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# He'd never spread a nasty rumour.

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# He never gets on people's wick,

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# And doesn't laugh at toilet humour.

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# Blackadder, Blackadder,

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# He's sickeningly good,

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# Blackadder, Blackadder,

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# As nice as Christmas pud. #

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-<

-Humbug! Humbug!

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-Humbug, Mr Baldrick?

-Oh, thank you very much.

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-I've got all the presents.

-And I've nearly finished the cards.

-Splendid!

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"A very messy Christmas!" Sorry, but shouldn't that be "merry"?

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"A merry messy Christmas?" OK, but the main thing is that it's messy:

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messy, wet kisses under the mistletoe.

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I fear, Mr Baldrick, that the only way YOU'LL get a messy, wet kiss

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is to make a pass at a water closet!

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Be that as it may... "A merry messy Christmas"... Christmas has an 'H' in it!

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And an 'R'.

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..And an 'I', an 'S', a 'T'... Also an 'A' and another 'S'!

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Oh, and you've missed out the 'C'!

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Well done! You must be the first person ever to get none of the letters right!

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-I've been busy with the workhouse nativity play.

-Oh, how did it go?

-Not very well.

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The baby playing Jesus died!

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This high infant mortality rate is a real devil when it comes to staging quality children's theatre!

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-What did you do?

-Got another.

-Good! Who?

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Spot.

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There weren't any kids, so we got a dog.

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I'm not sure Christianity would have gained such a grip, if all Jesus had ever said was "woof"!

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Well, it went all right until the shepherds came on.

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-We didn't have any sheep, so we'd stuck some wool on...

-More dogs!

-Well, yeah.

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The moment Jesus got a whiff of 'em, he's away!

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While the angel's singing "Goodwill to all men",

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Jesus is trying to get one of the sheep to give him a piggy-back!

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Hardly appropriate for the Son of God! Were the children upset?

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-No! They loved it!

-The playful young scamps, eh? Still...

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..what a lovely thought - at this moment, all over the land, from the lowest to the highest,

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to the charming plump people in the middle, everyone is enjoying Christmas.

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What are you doing, Albert?

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Nothing!

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Yes, you are, you naughty German sausage!

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-Tell me!

-I'm not doing anything!

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Ven you are ruling India, you don't tell me vot you are doing.

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So I von't tell you what I'm doing wrapping up zis cushion.

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-Damn! Now I have only two surprises for you.

-Don't worry, I don't mind.

-But

-I

-do!

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I LOVE surprises!

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Christmas without surprises

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is like ze nuts without a nutcracker.

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Which is why I've bought you zis surprise nutcracker... Damn!

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Damn!!

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Oh, darling Bo-Bo, don't worry!

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-Besides, haven't you forgotten something?

-What?

-Our traditional Christmas adventure!

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Of course! Our traditional Christmas adventure! ..Vat adventure?

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You silly soldier! When we disguise ourselves and go out to reward the virtuous and the good!

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Of course! Dummkopf! How could I forget?

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It is for precisely such an outing zat I have bought you my final surprise -

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zis muff, which I am going to...

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Damn!

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Damn!!

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Da...

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Excellent! What a splendid spread! Turkey and presents - what more could you want at Christmas?

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-A tree!

-Of course! I quite forgot.

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I dropped in on Mr Thicktwistle's Garden Emporium, and got quite a bargain...

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..on this special Christmas twig.

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It's a bit of a tiddler.

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Yes, but size isn't important.

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It's not what you've got, it's where you stick it! Besides...

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-..we've got a whole year's profits to spend on fun and larks.

-How much?

-£17 Os 1d.

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-It'd be more, if you didn't give so much away.

-But in the "feeling-good" ledger of life, we're rich indeed!

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AND in the "bit-short-of-pressies- and-gullible-prat" ledger, too!

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-< DING-A-LING

-Bless my toes!

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Who could that be? ..Mrs Scratchit!

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Greetings on this merry night!

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O-h-h-h, Mr Blackadder!

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Merry? We'll 'ave nothing to eat on Christmas day!

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..'Cept what's under Grandad's toenails!

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No goose for Tiny Tom this year!

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Mrs Scratchit, Tiny Tom is 15st, and built like a brick privy!

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If he eats any more, he'll turn into a pie shop!

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There must be something we can do.

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-Those matches are just what I need. What did they cost?

-A quid a match.

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-I suspect that to be a lie of sorts.

-No-o-o! Oh-h-h...

-But it's Christmas eve...

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Here, take ten pounds!

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So you don't want all 17 of them?

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You have the body of a weak woman, but the mind of a criminal genius!

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Here, £17!

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-Lovely!

-And my best wishes to your massive offspring!

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So we had £17 0s 1d, and we gave Mrs Scratchit £17, so that leaves...

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Yes, come on, Mr Baldrick. £17 0s 1d minus £17 leaves...

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£38 8s 4d.

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-Not bad! The answer is, in fact, a penny.

-DOOR OPENS

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Merry Christmas eve, Mr Slackbladder!

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And to you, young urchin!

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A penny for Christmas, sucker... er, sir?

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-Wa-a-a-a-a-h!!

-Well, certainly.

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-Going to buy some cake for your silver-haired mother?

-Sod that, I'm getting some gin!

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They grow up so fast these days, bless 'em! Well, another year without profit!

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Still, it IS Christmas, and let us remember, Mr Baldrick,

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that be we as stony as a rock, it is the season of goodwill.

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-We've got nuts, turkey...

-SCREECHING CACKLE >

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..and my god-daughter, Millicent!

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Secure the ornaments, and let her in!

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So, all the presents are ready:

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gloves for Mr Baldrick, a scarf for me, and a hat for Millicent.

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To what do I owe this great pleasure?

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I just thought I'd pop by on the off-chance...

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..Christmas being a time connected with presents!

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-Indeed! And look, a lovely hat for my dear god-daughter.

-Thanks!

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Oh, and look! A scarf and a pair of gloves to match!

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That's not bad, I suppose!

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Yes, jolly good!

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I can't stop, but I thought I might come back tomorrow - at lunchtime.

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-Splendid!

-I'll bring my teensy boyfriend, so cook an extra turkey.

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-Thanks for all the pressies!

-Why not take the flippin' tree(?)

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Oh! You ARE sweet!

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Bye! SHE CACKLES

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-Bye! My, what a jolly young girl!

-Yeah. Pity she nicked the presents!

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Yes, but I thought you and I would be spoiled with the turkey and ALL these nuts!

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-< DING-A-LING

-Peel my tangerines!

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Ah, Beadle! Charmed, honoured and lovelied!

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Get back!

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Compliments of the gorging season to you.

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And fat tums to all men!

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Yes. What of your orphan charges?

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Well, I don't think I charges 'em enough, actually!

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Luckily, you make up the difference.

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They'll be visiting you with a surprise tomorrow.

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Perhaps another little rendition of "God rest ye merry, Mr Blackadder"?

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Not for me to say, sir.

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All I know is that we've managed to eat all our nuts before the big day.

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-What luck! As fate would have it, we have some. Help yourselves.

-No, sir, I couldn't.

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Is this all? I suppose it'll do.

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See you tomorrow!

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What a jolly fellow!

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Looked like a fat git to me!

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Well, yes. But you mustn't judge people from outward appearances.

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-Strip away the outer layers of a fat git, and you'll find...

-A thin git!

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-Those orphans were fat, too.

-Well, there's some truth there.

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When I visit, I do tend to remove sharp objects for fear of bursting one of them,

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..and getting showered in pie!

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But as long as they're happy.

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We've still got the turkey, and Christmas is a time for miracles.

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If we screw up our eyes and pray to the big pink pixie in the sky,

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someone might come and reward us.

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Dear, innocent Mr Baldrick!

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-< DING-A-LING-A-LING

-See!

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Well! Baste my steaming puddings!

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-Ah, good evening!

-Good evening!

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We have come on a mission to reward the virtuous.

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Good heavens!

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We have heard many stories of your kindness.

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-Oh, well, one tries!

-So, please...

-Yes?

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-Give us £10 for the virtuous lady next door.

-We'd love to oblige, but sadly, we've nothing to give.

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-Nothing? What about a goose?

-Oh, Albert!

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We've only got a turkey, see.

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-That sounds ideal!

-Oh...

-Well, there's a bit of luck!

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Mr Baldrick, fetch the turkey.

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Your accent tells me you're not from round here.

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Ah! Nein...

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I am from Glasgow.

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A fine city! I love the Gorbals.

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Ah, yes! I love ze Gorbals, too. Lovely couple - lots of fun!

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-Bye-bye, birdy!

-Very well done! Good evening.

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-Good evening!

-If I see ze Gorbals, I give them your regards.

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Oh, dear. It looks as though we're in for a thin Christmas!

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Don't worry. I've hung up my sock for Santa.

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If there's one thing guaranteed to stop Santa coming, it's your sock waiting for him there.

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If I don't hang my sock out, how will Santa fill it?

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If you do hang it out, Santa will be dead before he gets near it!

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-Don't you have any others?

-I've got one other!

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Oh, take one of mine from the linen cupboard, dear chap. I'm off to bed.

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-There's nothing to stay up for. Goodnight.

-Night, night. Oh, I forgot...

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When you were out there, this enormous ghostly creature came in, saying,

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"Tonight you'll receive a terrible visitation!"

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It come through the wall, said its piece, then sodded off.

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Oh, fine! Goodnight!

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Goodnight!

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< Whoo-oo-oo-oo-oh!

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< Wh-oa-oa-oa-oah!

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CRASH!!

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GR-RR-ROO-OO-OOA-RR!!

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W-OO-AH-AH-AAH!!

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ERGH! ..ERGH!

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Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Woo-aah-aah!

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La-aa-oo-aah! Ha!

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-Can I help?

-No, thanks, no, no!

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Spirit of Christmas, how do you do?

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Just doing the rounds. Getting misers to change their evil ways.

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But there'll be no need for that here!

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Cheery-bye!

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Some tea, perhaps?

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You wouldn't have anything more... medicinal?

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I've only got some of the nurse's surgical bruise lotion.

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Nothing but the best at this house, eh?

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Delicious!

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It's a nice change from misers. You know him across the road?

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I caught him trying to cut down on his heating bills by using his John Thomas as a draught excluder!

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-Oh, dear... Old people today!

-Huh!

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How do you get them to change?

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It's all visions these days, though we used to use line drawings.

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-What sort of thing?

-It depends, really.

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For some, it's just a glimpse of their behaviour at school...

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Others get shown how rotten their ancestors were.

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For YOUR ancestors, it would have to be the full one-hour vision, with ice creams!

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-That bad, eh?

-Did nobody tell you?

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Stinkers! Perhaps you'd like to see...

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B-lul-lul-lul-lul...

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B-loo-loo-loo-loo-loo-loo...

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Come on, my lord, give it a pull. You know you want to! It'll be ever so exciting!

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-Oh, God!

-PLOP

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Yes, terrifying(!)

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Look, there's a gift inside. It's a novelty death warrant, and you give it to a friend.

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Ah! Just what I've always wanted!

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-You got anything for me?

-It's nothing, really.

-Sir!

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No, really, it's NOTHING!

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I spent all I had on this.

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She'd better bloody like it. She dropped enough hints.

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She's as subtle as a rhino horn up the backside! Door!

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Morning, Your Majesty! Don't you just love Christmas?

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-No, I hate it! In fact, I've just abolished it!

-Sorry?

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I'm going to block up the chimneys, burn all the crackers, and kill anyone carrying a present.

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Oh... Ha! Ha!

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-What's that, Edmund?

-This?

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It's a window.

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-A window?

-Yes, but you seem to have one here. Sorry!

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Well, so much for that!

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Ow!

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Ah, Melchett!

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Greetings! I trust that Christmas brings the usual food and stomach cramp!

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And compliments of the season to YOU.

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May the yuletide log burn your house down!

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I feel it only fair to warn you that the Queen has banned Christmas, so forget the present.

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I'm indebted to you, and shall follow your advice.

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(..The day my brain becomes a cauliflower!)

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Ha! Got him with my subtle plan!

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I can't see any subtle plan.

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Baldrick, you wouldn't see one if it danced naked on a harpsichord,

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singing, "Subtle Plans Are Here Again"!

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Melchett will undoubtedly do the opposite of what I say, and then...quack!

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He'll turn into a duck?

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Yes.

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Pity about this, Tinkywink! You used to LOVE this time of year.

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I know.

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Leaving a mince pie and a glass of wine out for Father Christmas...

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Then scoffing it because princesses can do what they like!

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And wondering if your father's wife would get her head chopped off by Boxing Day.

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-We knew that if he gave her a hat, she'd probably be all right.

-Happy days!

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Yes... Maybe I was a little rash.

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Ah, boys, welcome back!

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Melchett, what's that under your coat?

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It's not a present?

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-A present, Majesty? But of course! (You're so painfully transparent!)

-(Am I?)

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Fab! I LOVE presents!

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For a moment, I hated Christmas. But now I love it!

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In fact, I'd like to marry you.

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..If you didn't look like a slug!

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O pish, Majesty!

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To reward you, I'm going to give you LOTS of presents. Fancy a castle?

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-Windsor...

-Title?

-Duke of Kent?

-Anything else?

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-A devilish, saucy wife would be fun.

-Lady Jane Pottle!

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Yummy!

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She's Blackadder's girl, but that's OK.

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Perhaps Lord Melchett would like to whip me naked through the streets of Aberdeen!

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-I don't think we need go that far.

-Too kind(!)

-Aylesbury will do!

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Blackadder, what have you got me?

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-Um...

-I WANT A PRESSIE!!

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Give me something nice and shiny. If you don't, I'll give you a shiny axe!

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-Um...

-Right! Any last requests before your block goes on top of the Crimble tree?

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Um... Well, there is ONE, actually, Ma'am.

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You know...er...how I've been a great admirer of you both.

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-Could I have your autographs to keep me company in my final lonely hours?

-Oh, OK.

-Thank you.

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Just there... Thank you.

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-Oh! Dear me!

-What is it?

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This paper Your Majesty just signed turns out to be some sort of death warrant!

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Oops!

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-And to go back on it would destroy the basis of the Constitution!

-So I fear!

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-Is there a name on it?

-Yes, it's...

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..Lord... I can't read the writing! Lord... Melchett. Yes, Melchett, that's it!

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Ma'am, it's a trick!

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Oh, good! Christmas is a time for tricks and japes and merry larks.

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-Blackadder, that's so brilliant, I'll execute Melchett instead!

-You're so kind!

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NURSIE CACKLES

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And I suppose that means that everything of Melchett's is yours.

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I suppose it does!

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Merry Christmas, Ma'am!

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Good Lord!

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What a horrible pig, eh?!

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Though clearly quite a clever pig.

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No, as you say, disgraceful!

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You're an improvement on them all.

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Them? Are there more?

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Yes! Have a shufty at this!

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# Oo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-h! #

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Right, I'm sick of the Prince getting all the presents, so this is the plan.

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When he gets bored with charades and asks for a story,

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you come out here, put on the dress, and knock on the door.

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-I get it.

-You will if you mess this up!

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Ah, welcome lads! This is the stuff, eh?

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Sherry and charades with the fellows. I mean, what could I do with a girl that I can't with you?

0:23:410:23:48

-I cannot conceive, sir.

-Well, there is that!

0:23:480:23:53

Who's first? Not Horatio, it seems!

0:23:530:23:56

-It's the little monkey fellow, then.

-Indeed.

0:23:560:24:00

Excellent! Oh, I love charades!

0:24:000:24:03

OK, Baldrick.

0:24:030:24:05

-It's a book.

-Well done! I didn't think you'd get it.

-Damned clever!

0:24:060:24:12

Another great Christmas tradition - explaining the rules to the Thickie Twins.

0:24:120:24:18

It has to be a SPECIFIC book.

0:24:180:24:21

If I was doing the Bible, I'd show there were two syllables in it...

0:24:210:24:26

-Two what?

-Two syllables!

0:24:260:24:29

Two silly bulls? I don't think so, Blackadder, not in the Bible!

0:24:290:24:34

I can remember a fatted calf, but that was... Ah! Was it..?

0:24:340:24:39

Is it Noah's Ark? ..With two pigs, two ants and the two silly bulls...?

0:24:390:24:45

Two syll-A-bles!

0:24:450:24:48

-What?

-Let's start again...

0:24:480:24:51

No, I think the whole game's a bit sill-A.

0:24:510:24:55

-Let's have a story instead.

-Oh, yes! I'll just get rid of the servant.

0:24:550:25:01

The smell of roasting chestnuts can't even cover that of Baldrick!

0:25:010:25:06

(Don't forget the dress and the hat.)

0:25:060:25:09

-So, shall I begin?

-Absolutely!

0:25:090:25:13

As long as it's not that awful one about the chap born on Christmas Day,

0:25:130:25:18

who shoots his mouth off, and then comes a cropper on top of a hill in Arabland!

0:25:180:25:25

You mean Jesus?

0:25:250:25:27

Yes! Keep him out of it. He always spoils the atmos!

0:25:270:25:32

-Certainly, I...

-NELSON WAKES

0:25:320:25:36

Oh, my God! I've gone blind!

0:25:360:25:38

Oh, that's better!

0:25:410:25:43

-This is a story about a handsome young prince.

-Ah, this is more like it!

0:25:430:25:50

Good-looking, lovely hair like a loaf of bread?

0:25:500:25:54

-Exactly!

-Yes, I can imagine him!

0:25:540:25:57

Well, it's a tale about him and a sad, lonely old granny, who's dying of cold at Christmas.

0:25:570:26:05

-Not a comedy, then?

-No, sir.

0:26:050:26:09

She thought all was lost, and that she would die on Christmas night,

0:26:090:26:16

and be swept up on Boxing Day.

0:26:160:26:18

Then she knocked on the door of handsome young Prince George.

0:26:200:26:25

He gave her his massive collection of Christmas presents, and she lived happily ever after.

0:26:250:26:32

By Satan's sausage, Bladder, what a fine tale! I'm quite moved to tears.

0:26:360:26:43

-Oh, good!

-DING-A-LING >

0:26:430:26:46

-I wonder who that could be!

-On a cruel Christmas night...Tricky! Could be a robin!

0:26:470:26:54

Why, sir! It's a sad, lonely old granny, who's dying of cold!

0:26:540:26:59

Shall I fling her from your door,

0:26:590:27:02

saying there is no room for a lonely old woman here?

0:27:020:27:07

No, you swine! Bring her in!

0:27:070:27:10

-(Trolley's a nice touch, Baldrick!)

-Take all you want. I'm your prince!

0:27:130:27:19

Shall I show her out, ensure she doesn't take the silver?

0:27:210:27:26

-No, no! Tell her to take it!

-You're very generous, sir.

0:27:260:27:31

Excellent, Baldrick! A triumph!

0:27:310:27:34

Baldrick? ..BALDRICK!

0:27:340:27:37

Sorry, Mr B.

0:27:370:27:39

I was just showing an old lady to the door. Are you ready yet?

0:27:390:27:44

-What?!

-Well, I answered the door, and it was this sweet old lady collecting for charity.

0:27:440:27:51

-Aaargh!

-Something wrong, Mr B?

0:27:510:27:55

No, I should've known not to trust a man with the brain of a rabbit dropping!

0:27:550:28:01

-Sorry!

-It's perfectly all right.

0:28:010:28:04

Still, I fear for a frail old lady, laden with valuables,

0:28:060:28:11

travelling through the dark streets of London.

0:28:110:28:15

-She's not safe.

-Well, not from me!

0:28:150:28:19

Very amusing!

0:28:220:28:25

-In what way?

-Er, the wigs! Amusing wigs!

0:28:250:28:29

But the behaviour was disgraceful!

0:28:290:28:32

But he actually got the presents!

0:28:320:28:35

-Well...yes...

-So, there is something to be made from being bad?

0:28:350:28:40

Technically, yes. But that's not the point.

0:28:400:28:45

It's the soul!

0:28:450:28:48

-What would happen in the future, if

-I

-was bad?

0:28:480:28:52

-Heavens, is that the time?

-But...

0:28:520:28:55

-..I'd love to see Christmas future.

-No, no, no... It's too dramatic!

0:28:550:29:00

-Just show it! Please!

-OK.

0:29:000:29:04

Wibble-wibble-wee-wee-wee...

0:29:040:29:06

Hail Queen Asphyxia, Mistress of the Universe!

0:29:080:29:13

And hail to you, my triple husbandoid!

0:29:130:29:17

I summon you here to group-greet our Imperial Navies home.

0:29:170:29:23

Approach, Grand Admiral of the Dark Segment

0:29:230:29:28

and Lord of the High-Slung Bottoms of Zob.

0:29:280:29:31

Morning!

0:29:310:29:33

To you, Blackadder, thrice-endowed Supreme Donkey of the Trouserpod, this much greeting!

0:29:330:29:41

-I, too, bold navigator, cringe my dribblies at your pothlesnood.

-That's not necessary.

0:29:420:29:48

Approach your slave - Baldrick!

0:29:480:29:52

For God's sake, if you insist on wearing that, you could at least keep your legs together.

0:29:590:30:05

Wilco, skipper!

0:30:050:30:08

-Majesties, I give you a greeting.

-What news of the foul Marmidons?

0:30:080:30:14

Scattered, sir.

0:30:140:30:16

And have the Sheep-Squeezers of Splaticon Five been suck-creamed?

0:30:160:30:22

Well, they're dead, yes!

0:30:220:30:24

-Did you vanquish the Nibble-Pibblies?

-No, Lord Pigmot, I didn't...

0:30:240:30:31

..You just made them up.

0:30:310:30:33

Excellent, Commander, you have most pleasantly wibbled my frusset pouch.

0:30:330:30:41

Bring forth the gift that honours me.

0:30:410:30:45

Majesties, from a place where the stars begin, I bring you this.

0:30:450:30:51

Lovely! An ashtray.

0:30:520:30:55

He wastes our time. I yearn to watch 20,000 Years of the Two Ronnoids.

0:30:560:31:02

-Send him to the sprouting chamber.

-No, wait!

0:31:020:31:06

-What is it, Commander?

-I'll show you.

0:31:060:31:11

BUZZZ...WHIRRR...

0:31:110:31:15

And now, Your Majesty, I insist that you hand over to me the Supreme Command of the Universe,

0:31:150:31:22

sew a button on my uniform and marry me this afternoon.

0:31:220:31:27

I thought you'd never ask.

0:31:270:31:30

So if I was bad, my descendants would rule the entire universe?

0:31:330:31:39

Maybe, but would you be happy? Being Ruler of the Universe isn't all that good.

0:31:390:31:46

You have to wave at people all the time.

0:31:460:31:50

What does the future hold if I stay good?

0:31:500:31:54

I must put my foot down. I've got four hauntings to do.

0:31:540:32:00

Oo-oo-o-o-o-oo!

0:32:000:32:03

Hail, Queen Asphyxia, Mistress of the Universe!

0:32:050:32:10

And hail to you, my triple husbandoid!

0:32:100:32:14

I summon you here to group-greet our Imperial Navies home.

0:32:140:32:20

Approach, Grand Admiral of the Dark Segment

0:32:200:32:25

and Lord of the High-Slung Bottoms of Zob.

0:32:250:32:29

-Hail!

-And your slave?

0:32:290:32:32

-What's his name?

-I can't remember, Your Majesty.

0:32:370:32:41

No matter, Master of the Smells. What news of the Marmidons?

0:32:410:32:48

-Good news...

-Excellent!

0:32:480:32:50

..For the Marmidons. They wiped out our entire army.

0:32:500:32:55

-I was a bit confused and bombed our own lot.

-Silence, squidling!

0:32:550:33:01

-Bring forth the gift with which you honour me.

-Damn! I forgot the bloody present.

0:33:010:33:08

One way is glory, the other way is wearing Baldrick's posing pouch!

0:33:090:33:16

-That gives a very clear lesson.

-Namely?

0:33:160:33:21

That the rewards of virtue are largely spiritual.

0:33:210:33:27

You don't think it shows that bad guys have all the fun?!

0:33:270:33:32

No! The rewards of virtue are far more attractive.

0:33:330:33:38

Picture it! Quiet evenings in your hovel...alone. A Bible and your own turnip.

0:33:380:33:45

That makes all the difference.

0:33:450:33:47

-So you're going to be a good boy, then?

-Absolutely!

0:33:470:33:52

Would I lie to you?

0:33:520:33:55

Oo-o-oo-o.

0:33:560:33:58

Woo-oo-oo-ooh.

0:33:580:34:02

Father Christmas forgot about me.

0:34:120:34:16

Oh, dear, don't be too unhappy. If you look very carefully there's something in this from me.

0:34:160:34:23

-It's something I made for you.

-That shows real love.

0:34:230:34:28

-What did you make for me?

-I've made you...

0:34:280:34:31

-..a fist.

-A fist?

0:34:310:34:34

It's for hitting.

0:34:340:34:36

It's wonderful. You can use it again...and again...

0:34:360:34:41

..and again.

0:34:410:34:43

-Well, what do you say?

-Thank you, Mr B.

0:34:430:34:48

Think nothing of it, Baldrick. I, after all, think nothing of you.

0:34:480:34:53

-­ Git-face, how about a penny?

-Hark!

0:34:550:34:58

Do I hear the voice of a cherub at the window?

0:34:580:35:03

AAAR-AARGH!

0:35:030:35:06

-No, I must have imagined it.

-< DING-A-LING

0:35:080:35:12

-Shall I get that, sir?

-No, leave them out in the snow while I dress.

0:35:120:35:17

I'll only be 40 minutes.

0:35:170:35:20

Door!

0:35:230:35:25

Greetings! We have come to sing merrily and present you a small pudding.

0:35:260:35:32

# God bless Mr B and Baby Jesus, too.

0:35:340:35:38

# If we were little pigs, we'd sing piggy wiggy woo!

0:35:380:35:42

# Piggy wiggy wiggy wiggy wiggy woo!

0:35:420:35:45

# Piggy wiggy woo! Oh, piggy wiggy wiggy woo! #

0:35:450:35:51

Utter crap!

0:35:530:35:55

-Do we get our Christmas treat?

-Yes, indeed.

0:35:550:36:00

It's a door in the face!

0:36:000:36:03

Mr B, you can't send them out into the world with nothing but a small pudding.

0:36:030:36:10

How right. Door!

0:36:100:36:12

Thank you.

0:36:130:36:15

-You know what I'm hoping?

-What?

0:36:190:36:22

-I'm hoping this is just a jape and you'll go "yo ho ho" and give me a mince pie.

-Close your eyes.

0:36:220:36:30

Open your mouth.

0:36:300:36:32

Yo ho ho!

0:36:320:36:35

< DING-A-LING

0:36:350:36:37

Millicent's here for dinner. She seems to have brought the fish course with her.

0:36:390:36:44

-Who is the huge halibut in the trousers?

-I think it's me.

0:36:470:36:53

This is Ralph. He's my fiance.

0:36:530:36:56

We're in love!

0:36:560:36:58

Oh, dear! Ill-conceived love is like a Christmas cracker.

0:36:590:37:04

One disappointing bang... and the novelty wears off.

0:37:040:37:09

Shut up!

0:37:120:37:14

Mr Blackadder, what's happened? You've changed from the nicest man in England to the worst in the world.

0:37:140:37:22

I was thinking the same myself.

0:37:220:37:24

When spoken to!

0:37:240:37:26

I would explain, but you wouldn't understand. You have a head emptier than a hermit's address book.

0:37:260:37:33

-As for you, can you keep my god-daughter in the manner to which she's accustomed?

-Oh, yes!

0:37:350:37:43

Oh, splendid.

0:37:430:37:45

Congratulations. Goodbye.

0:37:450:37:48

Out!

0:37:500:37:52

SHE BLUBBERS

0:37:520:37:56

Baldrick, go and buy a turkey so large you'd think its mother had been roger-ed by an omnibus.

0:37:580:38:05

I'm going to have a party just for me.

0:38:070:38:11

-Cooey!

-No peace for the wicked.

0:38:110:38:13

Mr Ebenezer, I was wondering if perhaps you had a present for me,

0:38:130:38:18

or found me a little fowl for Christmas.

0:38:180:38:22

I've always found you FOUL, Mrs Scratchit.

0:38:220:38:25

-As for Christmas, Tiny Tom can stuff it up his enormous muscular backside.

-He's a cripple!

0:38:250:38:33

No, Mrs Scratchit, occasionally saying "my leg hurts" wouldn't even fool Baldrick.

0:38:330:38:40

It did, actually.

0:38:400:38:43

However, if you want something for lunch, take this. It's a pound of lump.

0:38:430:38:51

-What about my Tiny Tom?

-Scoop him out and use him as a houseboat!

0:38:510:38:57

Mr B... Where's the milk of human kindness?

0:39:010:39:05

It's gone off, Baldrick. It stinks.

0:39:050:39:08

-DING-A-LING

-Get that.

0:39:080:39:11

Whoever it is, slam the door on them.

0:39:110:39:16

Hello, small dwarf. Is zis ze house of that all-round philanthropist, Blackadder?

0:39:170:39:24

-Mr Blackadder lives here.

-Das ist gut because we have a secret.

0:39:240:39:29

-What secret?

-If I told you we were going to give him a fortune, it would no longer be a secret.

0:39:290:39:37

Damn! I'm stupid!

0:39:370:39:39

-What wouldn't be a secret?

-WE are Queen Victoria.

-All three of you?

0:39:390:39:46

My dear little hobgoblin, here is our Royal Seal.

0:39:460:39:51

We have come to present your master with £50,000 and the title of Baron Blackadder

0:39:510:39:59

-for being the kindest man in England.

-Lumme!

0:39:590:40:04

Why didn't you slam the door on the faces of these scroungers?

0:40:040:40:10

Oof!

0:40:100:40:12

I'm not at home to guests.

0:40:120:40:14

-We are rather special guests, sir.

-Oh, of course! I must apologise.

0:40:210:40:28

It isn't often one gets a visit from two such distinguished guests.

0:40:280:40:34

-Zo you recognise us at last?

-Yes.

0:40:340:40:37

You're the winner of the Round-Britain Shortest, Fattest Dumpiest Woman competition.

0:40:370:40:45

-For her to be with the winner of the Stupidest Accent Award is remarkable.

-Sir!

0:40:450:40:51

Cork it, fatso!

0:40:510:40:53

This is the Victorian age where, apart from Queen Piglet-features, women should not be heard.

0:40:530:41:01

-Queen Piglet-features?!

-Empress Oink, as the lads call her.

0:41:010:41:06

The only person in the kingdom dafter is that stupid Frankfurter.

0:41:060:41:11

The pig and the prig, we call them. How they produced their 112 children is beyond me.

0:41:110:41:19

-There must be blindfolds in the palace bedrooms.

-Sir, we've never been so insulted!

0:41:190:41:26

You've been damned lucky!

0:41:260:41:29

Baldrick, this is excellent.

0:41:320:41:35

All the spongers have gone and there's all this tuck to gobble.

0:41:350:41:40

Here, have a wishbone.

0:41:400:41:43

What do you wish?

0:41:440:41:46

I wish there was some meat on this.

0:41:460:41:49

I enjoyed the last two. It was like having a go at the real Queen.

0:41:490:41:54

-It WAS the real Queen.

-What would the Queen be doing here?

0:41:540:41:59

She came to reward you for being England's nicest man by giving you £50,000 and a title.

0:41:590:42:07

It couldn't have been the Queen. She leaves people her Royal Seal.

0:42:070:42:13

-Like this one?

-Yes, like th...

0:42:130:42:17

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