Lord Emsworth Acts for the Best Blandings


Lord Emsworth Acts for the Best

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COCKEREL CROWS

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Ah, Beach. Brisk this morning, eh?

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Have we still got, um, Lady Constance's new friend with us?

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Er...?

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Lady Cloughley, my lord. We do.

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I cannot understand why my sister won't let me meet her.

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Making me have my dinner up here.

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I cannot imagine, m'lord.

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Is it still your lordship's intention to travel to London this morning?

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What?

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Where..where...where...where....

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Who... Who says I have to go to London?

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Lady Constance has arranged for his lordship to stay at his club.

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Has she, forsooth? Well, His lordship isn't ruddy going.

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She can stick that in her pope and smike it.

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London. Hah!

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Heinous metropolis!

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Glory be to God for dappled things!

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I do look forward to meeting Clarence.

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-It's so sad he couldn't dine with us last night.

-Yes.

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The Arch told me he was such fun at school.

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The Archbishop. Gerald. My brother.

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Ha-ha! Well, I fear, Drusilla,

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you may be denied that pleasure altogether.

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Clarence is away this week. On retreat.

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Is he? Oh, bully for him.

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The Arch approves of prayer in isolation.

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Denying pleasure is for me, of course, a way of life.

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What is more, dear, I thoroughly endorse the heating arrangements.

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There are none.

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Precisely.

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Yes, this "central heating" that people have - I think it decadent.

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I feel sure that it inspires all manner of immoderate

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communion between the sexes.

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I am well insulated from such corruption.

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Good.

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By my leathern gusset.

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Now - come along.

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CAR HORN

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Oh! Company.

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I hear the crunch of gravel.

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Here we are - Blandings Castle!

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Oh, my goodness. This is just so cute.

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Don't you think it's cute, Mr Grumman?

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As hell. Are we going in, or what?

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Of course. All very jolly inside.

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Guaranteed a warm welcome here.

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Hello?

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Hello?

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Shop?

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Oh!

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Ah, Beach. Didn't recognise you with a sock on your head.

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This is Mr Jerry Grumman, visiting us from Hollywood.

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And Miss Pauline Petite, also of that parish.

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Observe the puceness of the butlerly pate. He's a fan.

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Indeed, Mr Frederick. I have the lady's pantograph in my photry.

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Oh, that's swell.

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Let's all buy each other flowers.

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Freddie, the talent is icing up.

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Even her goose bumps are getting goose bumps.

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Yes, Brynhilde must be up to her usual nonsense.

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The boiler.

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Oh, Beach.

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On the QT, I've written a scenario.

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It's called A Woman's Price.

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Grumman's minded to make the picture with Miss Petite as the star.

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You may well gasp!

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And I'm trying to flog him the family shack as the backdrop.

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He's agreed to do a bit of a camera test. Script fee, location fee.

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Ker-ching!

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Pull this off and crinkle-wise, I'll be sitting in a bucket of cream.

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Oh, also, I might be in with a yodel with Miss Petite.

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Really rather gone on her. Beach?

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Sorry, sir. When did you last see your father?

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Eh?

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Oh, no. He hasn't still got the face fungus, has he?

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Look, just draw the guv'nor aside and tell him

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the whole of Shropshire is sniggering up its sleeve.

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I cannot, Mr Frederick.

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It is without my mandate to remark on his lordship's appearance.

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Oh, yes, yes, of course, I see that. Without your what?

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To venture such a criticism, I should first have to resign my position.

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Good God, you can't do that!

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You've got to coax Brynhilde into fiery glory!

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And Miss Petite's alabaster skin is horripilating.

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Frederick? Who are all these unlikely people?

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Oh, they're making, um...

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Um...come to fix the heating.

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Is it your intention to make a feature film here, Mr Frederick,

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without anybody finding out?

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Brilliant. As ever, Beach, top advice. Thank you.

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Benedicas benedicat, per Jesum Christum, Dominum nostrum. Amen.

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Amen.

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Have you considered giving yourself to Jesus?

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Well, we've never actually discussed it specifically.

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Who are you?

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Is this catering?

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Where are the franks?

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They are, I believe, a loose confederation of Germanic peoples.

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So... Germany, one hopes.

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Who's in charge around here?

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Ah... Beach.

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Beach, eh?

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Hey, baby. You Beach?

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Generally later in the day.

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# My heart was free

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# I rose, went forth

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# And followed Thee. #

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I thought you'd gone. What on earth are you doing?

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We're giving ourself to Jesus.

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I see. Well, would you mind awfully just going somewhere else?

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No. Not at all. Excuse me.

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That bearded person is very odd.

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Yes. Yes, he is, isn't he?

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In fact, he's a tramp.

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His name...

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..is Whiffle.

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And you allow this Whiffle the run of the house? Oh, Constance.

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What a remarkable kindness to the disadvantaged.

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I think I shall make Mr Whiffle my project.

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No, I really wouldn't bother, dear.

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No, I insist. I shall gather this lost lamb unto my bosom.

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There's some interesting fungus in the shrubbery.

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So is your father really a lord?

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I mean, that's like a king or something. Do I have to curtsy when I speak to him?

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No. No. But you may have to say things twice.

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Is he hard of hearing?

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Bit hard of thinking.

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-Huh. I bet he's a very wise man.

-Hey!

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This guy, the Duck of Warlow.

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The Duck, yes. The Vile Seducer.

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He's the babe hound.

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So what we need is some schmo already to stand in for the action.

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-Oh, well...

-Not you. Somebody older.

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Like me.

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Er, Mr Grumman? I have just the man.

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Freddie! Freddie, now listen to me.

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Lady Cloughley must not discover that your father is your father.

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Right. Who is he?

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Your father. But she must not know this.

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Do you see?

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-Um...

-The beard, Freddie. Heavens above!

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Are you on top of all these plumbers?

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What plumbers?

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Oh, the plumbers. Absolutely.

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Hullo, Frederick.

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-I have no idea who you are.

-What?

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-That the sort of thing you mean?

-Yes. You said you were going to your club!

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No, no - YOU said I was going to my club. Not the same thing at all.

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The members are already dead.

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You could've sat there completely happily, completely unnoticed.

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-Oh, go and play with your pig.

-Capital idea.

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Anything to prevent any further intercourse with Drusilla Cloughley.

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I will not have this friendship compromised by your ludicrous facial growth.

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The third and fourth earl both wore facial hair.

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And look what happened to them. They died.

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Is everything all right?

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No cause for alarm, Lady Fluffly. I'm just going to see my pig.

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The pig lives in the house?

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And you allow the village idiot the run of the place, out of charity.

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Oh, Connie, you are magnificent.

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Come. You are my special project.

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Let us go into the drawing room.

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No - you can't! It's full of plumbers.

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Now, you need to arrange the servants' shoes.

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-Connie?

-He'll be quite happy in there.

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Now Drusilla, this time of day,

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I like to fall to my knees and give thanks.

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Hallelujah! Let us do so.

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On my own. Do excuse me.

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Connie?

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Oh! Right. That's it. I resign!

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I did not come into butling to suffer beards, spanners and viscous slime.

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No, no, no. Beach! You don't understand.

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Miss Petite needs to be morally tormented.

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And you...are just the man to do it. Come on.

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Hey, honey!

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Goodness. Such apparatus.

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These are the basics, doll. For a test we travel light.

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You make a "kinema" picture of your work?

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You find that helps?

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Yeah. It helps.

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Well, I trust you'll make it really hot.

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A broad who likes it hot.

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We'll do our best, lady.

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Freddie is so charming, you know.

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Of course he's charming. He's a swish.

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You're kidding me. Freddie shoots mink from the hip?

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All Englishmen is the same. It's a miracle they can breed.

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Er, Miss Petite? I have your Vile Seducer!

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But sir, you do not understand.

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My aunt is a toboggan-faced old trout who is bound to cut up rough!

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Is this really how they spoke in medieval England?

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Oh, take it from me. And you're doing it perfectly.

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Oh, Freddie. You don't have to pretend with me.

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Just be true to yourself, huh?

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I tell you - men, I've had 'em up to here.

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It's so rare to meet a guy who doesn't want to, you know...

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No! No!

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But I do want to, "you know".

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Even the feeblest amount of "you know" would sustain me for years.

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-Dolores? Let's go already.

-Come on, out you go.

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Places, c'mon. Quiet. All right. We're going to rehearse.

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OK.

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Cue the Duck.

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And the Duck speaks.

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All the time, you poke me.

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-Provoke me.

-Provoke me. You pittle lopsy.

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Erm...would you put your back into it, Beach?

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-Would you like to put your arm around my waist?

-Yes, please.

-I was addressing Mr Beach.

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C'mon, Duck, put some gas into it.

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On page two you're gonna tear her buttons off.

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And try not to go puce.

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Just say the damn line like you mean it.

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But all the time you provoke me! You little popsy!

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Ahhhhh!

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Now her, I like. Does she have an agent?

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Freddie, do something!

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You snake in the grass!

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Your father - the Lord of Emsworth - would be so ashamed of you.

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There is every precedent for a bearded Emsworth.

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Granted, it would be unusual for Connie to grow a beard of any great substance,

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but should she choose to do so, I would refrain from adverse comment.

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I mean, if you yourself felt disposed to have a beard...

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Guv'nor! Desperate times require desperate measures, you'll agree?

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Not in the least. Am I going to require my chequebook, Frederick?

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No, no, no, no.

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I am in love.

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Naturally. How much d'you need?

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No, what I need, old horror, is for you to accost Miss Petite

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and tell her what a marvellous specimen of manhood is your son.

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-Specimen of what?

-Manhood.

-Who is?

-Your son.

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-But you're my son.

-Guv'nor. Concentrate. Look. This is my best shot.

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If I bag Pauline Petite, I am off to Hollywood.

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Shazam! I shall never darken your bank account again.

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-Hmm. You have my attention.

-It's blissfully simple.

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Miss P, you see, is putty in your lordly paws.

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All you have to do is go to her pretending to be my father...

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-But I am your father.

-And plead my case. Ham it up a bit.

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Play the dear old crock with one foot in the grave, sort of thing.

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-The girl is charmed, the star-crossed lovers are united...

-Frederick.

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I am not an "old crock".

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Guv'nor, please. Just speak on my behalf.

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-Old crock... Ruddy insolence!

-Right then, old girl. Plan B.

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PIG GRUNTS

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I saw him, Constance...

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ravishing the American girl.

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What American girl? I don't understand at all, Drusilla.

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I shall call Beach. He can get you a glass of brandy.

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I hardly think that the witnessing of a grievous assault

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warrants the consumption of alcohol.

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Whiffle?

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Oh!

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Whiffle does rather like to dress up.

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Clarence and I indulge him. And photograph him.

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Ah, Beach.

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Aghhhhhh!

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For heaven's sake,

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is everyone in Blandings now obliged to grow facial hair?

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I do apologize, your ladyship,

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but must hasten to reassure you that the moustache is false.

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Why might that reassure me?

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It is the glue, my lady...

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Beach. If I was to ask you what was going on in this house,

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would I get a sensible reply?

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Alas not, your ladyship. Mr Frederick...

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Enough. I haven't got the energy.

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The plumbers have failed to produce even the smallest

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amount of heat necessary to sustain life.

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As always, we rely on you, Beach.

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I will do my best, your ladyship.

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In the meantime, Lady Cloughley appears to have fainted.

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Do you think you could put her into a reclining position?

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You have my permission to handle her person. Go on!

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Come now, Lady Cloughley.

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You raise me up.

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SHE SCREAMS

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Would you fetch a very large glass of brandy?

0:18:130:18:18

-Would Lady Cloughley...?

-Not for Lady Cloughley, it's for me.

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I am going to my room.

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One foot in the ruddy grave...!

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Blasted infernal impertinence.

0:18:310:18:35

Hollywood!

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Hmm.

0:18:390:18:41

Hollywood is quite possibly in North America.

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Ah, Beach, capital.

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It is imperative that Mr Frederick lives in Hollywood.

0:18:500:18:54

Very good, my lord.

0:18:540:18:55

By the way, Beach, your solidarity has been noted. Good man.

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I've had the strangest dream.

0:19:040:19:07

I have them all the time. Fancy a snifter?

0:19:070:19:09

Oh, no. Set down that filthy decoction!

0:19:090:19:12

It's not that filthy. A rather tolerable nose.

0:19:120:19:15

There is something profoundly queer about this house.

0:19:150:19:18

Well, you're on the money there.

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I haven't given up on you, my man.

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I must find Lady Constance.

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You'll find her in her bedroom, scoffing Turkish delights.

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If you do go up there, you'll find an altogether better class of cognac.

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She conceals it in her scent bottle.

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She thinks I don't know about it, bless her. Funny old girl.

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We'll have to see about that!

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Hollywood!

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Bingo!

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Right, missy.

0:20:060:20:08

All right, let's get ready. That's enough, Dolores.

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We tried the swish, we tried the stiff in the vest.

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We tried everything.

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Now it's time to try it with a real man.

0:20:200:20:22

Can we move on from the seduction scene?

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The seduction scene is fine.

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OK, let's go, everybody.

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All right.

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Lights.

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Camera.

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Cue the Duck.

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Camera test. Seduction scene. Take one.

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All the time, you provoke me, my little popsy!

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-Miss Petty Patootie?

-Yes!

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-Am I disturbing you?

-No.

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What? Who is this bum? CUT!

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I'm the Earl of Emsworth.

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Yeah, like I'm the Duck of Warlow.

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Good gracious!

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Well, well, what a pleasure.

0:21:080:21:10

Look, I don't need to detain you.

0:21:100:21:12

I just wanted a quick word with Miss Plankton O'Porpoise.

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-It can wait.

-No, it can't. Please sir, sit down next to me.

0:21:160:21:20

If he's the Earl of Emsworth, I'll eat my pants.

0:21:200:21:24

Good heavens.

0:21:240:21:26

"Pants" in American doesn't mean "pants".

0:21:260:21:29

It means "trousers".

0:21:290:21:32

My dear fellow, you can't go about the place eating your trousers.

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You'll have yourself arrested.

0:21:360:21:37

Oh, swell, another music hall geriatric.

0:21:370:21:42

Who the hell are you?

0:21:490:21:51

What? What? What was that?

0:21:510:21:54

I said - who the hell are you?

0:21:540:21:56

Nearly time for luncheon.

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Who are you?

0:22:000:22:02

Monday is generally spotted dick.

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What?

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Ah! How d'you do?

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I'm the... I'm the...

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I'm the Earl of Emsworth, don't you know?

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Might I have a chinwag with Miss Petite?

0:22:150:22:18

Frederick?

0:22:180:22:20

Oh, my God.

0:22:200:22:21

Is this some sort of game of charades? I'm a little bit confused.

0:22:230:22:28

LOUD RUMBLING

0:22:280:22:30

Suet and sultanas.

0:22:340:22:36

And let that be a lesson to you!

0:22:460:22:49

So both you bozos is Earl Emsworth

0:22:490:22:52

and both of you want to wag Miss Petite's chin.

0:22:520:22:56

This is nuts.

0:22:560:22:57

Frederick, my dear boy, what was it you wanted me

0:22:570:23:00

to say to Miss Bovine de Witt?

0:23:000:23:02

She's right here, look.

0:23:020:23:04

-You're the Earl of Emsworth.

-Indeed I am, my dear,

0:23:040:23:08

and I'd appreciate a brief word with you about my son.

0:23:080:23:11

That one there.

0:23:110:23:12

It's a fair cop.

0:23:150:23:16

Freddie!

0:23:160:23:18

I thought you said you wouldn't do it.

0:23:180:23:20

Ah, but then, y'see - deucedest thing - I thought of you

0:23:200:23:24

and Miss Pamplemousse being married and living in Hollywood...

0:23:240:23:28

Oh, Freddie!

0:23:280:23:30

I pretended to be him, you see.

0:23:300:23:32

To convince you of my bona fides.

0:23:320:23:34

Never mind your bonas.

0:23:340:23:36

-What's happening?

-Freddie, was that supposed to be me?

0:23:380:23:42

But I don't have an ear strumpet.

0:23:430:23:45

You don't have a silly beard, either.

0:23:450:23:47

-No.

-Oh, you do.

0:23:470:23:50

Yes.

0:23:500:23:52

As a matter of purely academic interest, Drusilla,

0:24:150:24:18

why are you pouring eau de cologne all over the carpet?

0:24:180:24:21

Eau de diable, more like!

0:24:210:24:24

You think I hallucinate?

0:24:280:24:31

You want scenes of hideous sordidness and squalor?

0:24:310:24:35

Not especially, no.

0:24:350:24:36

Come with me. Come on.

0:24:360:24:38

Ah, Lady Muffley...

0:25:000:25:01

I have considered giving myself to Jesus,

0:25:010:25:03

and on the whole I have decided to shave my beard off.

0:25:030:25:07

Hallelujah. What's that awful groaning? Are the plumbers leaving?

0:25:070:25:12

Connie, you're daft as a brush. These people aren't plumbers.

0:25:120:25:15

They're making a film.

0:25:150:25:17

What? Clarence, what the...

0:25:190:25:22

Clarence? You...are the Earl of Emsworth?

0:25:220:25:27

Of course I'm the Earl of Emsworth, madam. Who are you?

0:25:270:25:31

Constance? You have deceived me.

0:25:330:25:36

You have presenting your own brother as a vagrant.

0:25:360:25:39

You have called him "Whiffle".

0:25:390:25:43

Constance, you are a glutton and a slattern and a drinker

0:25:430:25:50

and I don't believe you pray.

0:25:500:25:52

I shall never set foot in this godless house again.

0:25:520:25:55

What've you got to say for yourself?

0:25:550:25:57

SHE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

0:26:040:26:06

Ladies and gentlemen, the central heating is now working.

0:26:110:26:14

Beach! You're a man in a million.

0:26:140:26:16

I endeavour to give service, my lord.

0:26:160:26:18

Moreover, summon a barber, for the both of us.

0:26:180:26:20

Your moustache is ridiculous.

0:26:200:26:22

I will not tolerate facial foliage at Blandings.

0:26:220:26:25

Very good, my lord.

0:26:250:26:28

TREMENDOUS RUMBLING

0:26:280:26:31

Is that supposed to happen?

0:26:420:26:44

Hey, you - Constanza.

0:26:480:26:51

If any of my equipment is damaged,

0:26:510:26:52

I sure hope you're insured for sue-age.

0:26:520:26:55

Clarence, would you kindly go to your study and fetch your assegai.

0:26:550:26:59

Oh, splendid.

0:26:590:27:01

What? His assy-what?

0:27:010:27:03

A Zulu spear. Fascinating artefact. Terrifyingly sharp.

0:27:030:27:07

I fear you are about to feel its presence in your person.

0:27:070:27:11

So I guess I'll see you around, Freddie.

0:27:190:27:21

And when I do...

0:27:230:27:25

SHE WHISPERS INAUDIBLY

0:27:250:27:26

Oh!

0:27:280:27:30

Ah! Thank you, Beach.

0:27:370:27:42

The plumbers appear to be departing.

0:27:420:27:44

Indeed, my lord.

0:27:440:27:45

Would you recommend them? People are bound to ask.

0:27:450:27:49

They have been most entertaining, my lord.

0:27:490:27:52

Good. Oh look, look, there's Miss Pansy Petticoat.

0:27:520:27:57

There, the one temporarily attached to Frederick's face.

0:27:570:28:02

For a minute there I thought she was going to whisk him away to Holloway, but not to be.

0:28:020:28:07

One presses on in hope, eh, Beach?

0:28:080:28:12

One does, my lord.

0:28:120:28:14

I've been giving a bit of thought to...to growing a beard...

0:28:140:28:19

HE MUTTERS TO HIMSELF

0:28:190:28:21

Cut!

0:28:300:28:31

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