Sticky Wicket at Blandings Blandings

BIRDS FLY AWAY

HE SNORES

PIG GRUNTS

Salesman had a handshake like a refrigerated eel,

but as I say, Harrovian.

Yet, I am tempted...

Oh, Angus! Look.

The Rotary-Varianced, Fully-Rubberized Auto-Dibber.

Does all your, erm...dibbing automatically.

What do you think?

We're no' ha'ing yon impudent contraption in these groonds.

Think of the energy you would save!

This is the modern age, McAllister. We must not ossify.

Ye're off yir mickle heid, mun.

Yir park is infested with rabbits

and ye talk of a rubberized dibber.

Clarence!

Oh, good heavens.

Douglas Fanshawe, of Marling Hall.

Where?

Coming here, to stay the night.

Why? Marling's only down the road.

The Colonel wishes to experience our facilities.

Oh, poor fellow. Doesn't the Hall run to its own, erm, 'facilities'?

No, no, be quiet, Clarence. Now, concentrate.

He has indicated his intention to retire on the grounds

of black tongue fever contracted up the Yangtze.

He wishes to canvass you as his successor.

-But I don't want a feverish black tongue up the...

-As Lord Lieutenant.

The King's official host in Shropshire.

PIG GRUNTS

Come on! Have you no ambition?

And if you answer that with the words 'pig' and 'fat',

I will have to extract your spleen with sugar tongs.

Now... Clean shirt, noble demeanour. Chop, chop.

Now, the original castle was built by Erconwald the Rampant

in the reign of Boadicea the First.

Now, she was a Borgia, but she had an operation for it.

Lived another 50 years, but never rode a horse. Ha!

You don't say much, do you?

HE CHUCKLES

SHE SIGHS

All hands on deck. Spice the pump.

Prepare to receive guests.

Beach!

Hmn!

I have been calling.

Look what you made me do.

You made a rope.

I did not make a rope. Now, listen to me.

Colonel Fanshawe and his daughter Valerie will be arriving shortly.

Heavens, man, are you quite well?

In the ladle, your pinkyship.

DOOR CLOSES

SHE SNIFFS

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

Oh!

-What is that?

-What is what? Oh, this.

This is Mugsy. He is a dog.

Why are you carrying it?

He prefers not to walk. He belongs to Aunt Julia.

She's gone into toenail, you know, with an ingrowing hospital.

-What?

-So she wanted someone responsible to look after him.

In what possible respect do you think you qualify?

I thought I might teach him some tricks.

Imagine Aunt Julia returning home to find Mugs can smoke a cigar!

I am a mild and reasonable woman.

If you taught my dog to smoke, I would disembowel you.

My sister Julia is neither reasonable nor mild.

She would disembowel all of us. Now, concentrate, Freddie.

Colonel Fanshawe is a neighbour we must strive to know better.

He is a celebrated explorer

and his daughter Valerie is about to come out.

From where?

Under the bed?

BEACH CHUCKLES

And moreover, Beach is behaving in the queerest way.

He just addressed me as 'your pinkyship'.

What have you done to provoke that?

That's so typical of you, to side with the servants.

I did nothing. He wasn't even drunk.

You're disappointed that Beach wasn't drunk?

Oh...

I do hope this Emsworth is the right man for the job.

I tell you candidly, my dear, I'm bushed.

All your old man wants is for today to be tickety-boo.

I think if we wait to be received, we wait in vain.

I hear the place is a shambles.

GUNSHOT

BIRDS FLY AWAY

There's someone, Papa.

I say, would you be kind enough to take us into the house?

I'm a gairdener, son, no' a bleckin' footman.

What did he say?

I think he declined the invitation. Come on.

HE SNORES

COLONEL FANSHAWE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Good grief. Are you drunk?

I don't believe I am, sir. Are you?

SHE CHUCKLES

Extraordinary.

No, no, no, don't get up. I'll get the bags.

HOWLING

Goodness. The Hound of the Emsworths.

Papa? I might explore.

BIRDS FLY AWAY

HE SNARLS

HE HOWLS MUSICALLY

Come on, Mugsy. Fill the diaphragm.

HE HOWLS

What's the point?

Brushes, is it?

I beg your pardon?

Dusters, handkerchiefs, that sort of thing?

Beach usually takes a strong line about the front door,

but he doesn't seem to be about.

Let's have a squint, then, eh?

Ah, very splendid.

No good to me, of course.

Ah, Connie, fellow here wondering if he can squeeze you into these?

Colonel Fanshawe?

I'm not entirely certain.

I'm having such a peculiar experience in this house.

What are you doing?

Oh, I like the spotty ones... Yes.

Your pig man is rifling through my daughter's underwear.

I'm not sure why he feels this is his prerogative.

-Clarence!

-Uh?

Lord Emsworth?

Yes?

I'm Colonel Fanshawe, Lord Lieutenant of Shropshire.

What are you doing flogging ladies' underwear?

Augh!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Come on, have a go.

Gosh, you don't do anything, do you?

You just sit.

But he sits very prettily.

Is he French?

Oh, oh... Good God, that never occurred to me.

It could be the problem.

Sprechen Sie Deutsch?

No, no, that's Italian.

Look here, are you Miss Fanshawe?

I am. Come here, darling.

Come and give me a cuddle.

Oh!

I'm addressing the dog.

Come on!

My father won't let me have a dog.

He won't admit it, but he's terribly afraid of them.

He was badly bitten in the Khyber.

Oh, gosh. Clever tailoring required.

BELL RINGS

Ah. Crumpets. Do you like crumpets?

Who doesn't like crumpets?

Do you like crumpets?

Yes, Valerie, I do...

Fascinating, Colonel. Isn't that fascinating?

-Ouch!

-What?

What Colonel Fanshawe was saying?

Who is Colonel Fanshawe?

Ouch!

(Beach, there is no tea in the pot!)

How long have you had him?

Too long.

The problem with these fellows

is once they get their feet under the table,

they think they rule the roost.

I replace my butler every year.

I call them all George.

I'm on George the 27th.

THEY CHUCKLE

Yes, we really must give that some serious thought, Clarence.

What's your view on fully rubberized automatic dibbing?

Generally, I'm...for it?

How wise you are.

McAllister disagrees, but he's talking through his sporran.

No, not sporran, thing on the head.

Sham o' Tanter.

A man who thinks to the future.

-Yes.

-One tries.

Papa? This is Mugsy and Freddie.

Excellent. Which is which?

Mugsy's got the brains.

-Beach!

-Milady!

Augh!

Shall you be mother?

I'm just off for a bit of kip.

Can I take Mugsy home with me, Papa? He's so weeny.

No, no, darling.

How do you find the King these days, Colonel?

It would be such and honour to receive him here.

Is the King going? Oh, capital!

Gardening man, by all accounts.

I'd bet he'd like a crack at a fully rubberized dibber.

Tea's a bit weak...

GUNSHOT

BIRDS FLY AWAY

Do you ride the hounds?

Ride hounds? No.

Shoot? Climb mountains?

-How fascinating.

-Is it?

Come back here, ye hairy rat!

I've never met any men who don't do all that, constantly.

GUNSHOT

They're all the same, aren't they?

When I come out, they're going to swarm all over me.

Oh, then don't come out.

I can't stay in all my life.

I don't plan to become a nun.

-Nor me.

-How'd you like to see me in a wimple?

I'd love to. Crikey. No, no.

Sometimes, when I'm excited, I say the opposite of what I mean.

Why are you excited?

Absolutely not because of you.

You are a most unusual man, Mr Threepwood.

SNORING

What's that noise?

HE SNORES LOUDLY

Gordon Bennett.

Mugsy, in fact. I'm going to teach him to mix a Manhattan.

No, you are not. Come away and Valerie will keep you safe.

Have a care, sir.

Anything untoward happens to that animal,

your Aunt Julia will come down on you like the wrath of God.

She is the wrath of God.

What are, erm...?

Swedish vitamins.

I was feeling a bit mouldy and I found these in Mr Galahad's room.

If Gally eats them, they certainly keep him perky.

Beach?

HE SNORES

I'm thinking of you, McAllister.

You could dibble the entire park from your deckchair!

In all these years, have ye ever once seen me sit doon?

But, my dear fellow, that is my point...

I dinnae want to sit doon.

Can ye not grasp the indignity, old mun?

My head gardener. Capital fellow.

Emsworth, tell me frankly.

Do you feel you enjoy the authority that your rank should confer?

Bless my soul, Fannyhat, I don't have time to indulge in 'authority'.

I've got a pig to feed.

GUNSHOT

BIRDS FLY AWAY

HM runs a pretty tight ship, wherever he may be,

but he appreciates good service.

It is not unknown for him to address me as Horace.

That being my name.

Of course, it's an honorary position.

There's no salary.

One does it purely for the kudos.

I think your butler needs to go to bed.

Beach? My dear fellow, you really do look rather tired.

Why don't you withdraw to your comfortable chair

and have a glass of port?

We can all manage perfectly well.

Very kind, my lord.

I'm going to put you in touch with the agency I use.

They'll get you someone within the week. Ex-soldiers, mostly.

They'll shine your boots and part your hair.

More wine, Colonel Fanshawe?

GUNSHOT

Good idea. We can get Beach to pour us something special.

From his 'comfortable chair'?

Mmmm.

-Freddie.

-Uh?

Arrange wine.

I'm just going to arrange wine.

Good luck.

Will you be all right while I'm gone?

I'll try to cope, yes.

Miss Fanshawe, I do think you're rather jolly.

Frederick!

Doing it, Aunt.

Has your brother much experience of ceremonial duties?

But of course.

When HM visits Shropshire, it's the responsibility

of the Lord Lieutenant to have him correctly billeted,

-dined and entertained.

-He is very capable of all that sort of thing.

Aren't you, Clarence?

But I don't want someone to shine my hair and boot my parts.

I want Beach!

CROCKERY CLATTERS

-BEACH:

-Wahey!

Lord Emsworth, it strikes me

there are domestic matters that require your attention.

-Ah!

-Valerie and I shall return to Marling Hall in the motor.

Come along, Driver Fanshawe.

But...

..Colonel...

Colonel...

You are coming with me!

Cheers.

Oh!

Where are you going?

Me?

Whoever else is there in the room?

Frederick. Oh!

Hello?

What are you doing?

-Looking for Mugsy.

-What?

Blighter's done a bunk.

BELL RINGS

Freddie, just go and answer the door. Go!

I thought Admiral Handsaw and his daughter were...

They have gone, Clarence.

You have driven them away, you gibbering halfwit. God in heaven!

Calling you a halfwit is a discourtesy to people

with 50% of their brain missing.

You are a child, Clarence.

Even if you have no interest in being of service to the King,

did it never occur to you that it might have been pleasant for me?

You asked me where I was going, and I've just remembered.

I'm looking for Beach.

I'm... I'm concerned about him.

Connie, you might not have noticed, but he seems a little out of sorts.

You're counting to ten, aren't you?

-I am going to my room, Clarence.

-Oh!

And while I am there, I wish you to sort out every aspect

of this appalling, shameful fiasco.

-Moreover, I intend to take steps.

-Ah!

The first of which will be the immediate dismissal of Beach.

It's awfully late for a telegram. Oh! Oh!

HE SCREAMS

FREDDIE GROANS

Spit and corruption!

HE SNORES

Beach?

Oh, good heavens, Frederick.

Whatever have you done to your, er...?

I read a telegram that made me fall down the stairs.

Oh, bless my soul.

Your soul may well be in need of blessing, Guv'nor.

Aunt Julia is out of hospital. And Mugsy's gone rogue.

Oh, your Aunt Julia is a terrible person, Frederick.

She lost her temper in the summer of 1882

and it has never been recovered.

And when she finds out I've lost her dog, she'll blow her top.

Which means Aunt C will blow hers.

It's going to be one hideous orgy of auntly top-blowing, Guv'nor.

What to do?

-Pinch it back.

-What?

The girl pinched the dog...

so go to Marling and pinch it back.

Miss Fanshawe, you voluptuous fiend.

Here, Beach, sharpen up. Have a pill.

All you have got to do is...

HE SNORES

Never seen a fellow fall to sleep so rapidly. It's a sort of gift.

But he's right, Guv'nor. Does your bicycle have a light?

What does it matter if my icicle has a blight? I'm not going.

Well, he can't go and I can't go.

So you have to go. It'll be peasy!

All you need to do is lurk in the shrubbery

till they shove the dog out to ablute and then nab him.

But what if the dog doesn't wish to be nabbed by me?

Well, rub your trousers with meat.

Meat?

Oh, Guv'nor, don't be so obtuse.

Make yourself attractive to Mugsy by anointing your trousers

with...raw sausage or something.

-What utter tripe.

-Oh, tripe! Perfect!

Frederick, I am not triping my trousers

or anointing them with sausages.

I am not doing this thing.

BEACH SNORES

DOGS BARK AND HOWL

Do you forgive me?

Unreservedly. With glittering knobs on. Where's the pooch?

I've lost him.

Oh, not to worry. Minor detail.

Papa says I'm never to come here again.

He says you're all doolally.

He says that a bucket of frogspawn would have made

a better Lord Lieutenant than Emsworth.

Well, harsh but fair.

Before I go...

can I just say something I've been meaning to say?

TELEPHONE RINGS

Where are we?

Blandings Castle.

Blandings Castle. Who are you?

'This is Lieutenant Colonel Horace Fanshawe.'

-Bully for you, being a colonel.

-'What?!'

I'm a butler.

Shall I have a word?

Have a whole pile.

Beach, your manner of late has become a little informal.

I beg your pardon, Mr Frederick. I do feel a bit...

irregular.

Yeah, I prescribe a Rotterdam.

Large port.

No...

Really?!

-Oh! Stop. Hold the line a minute.

-Oh, goodness!

Those aren't Gally's pick-me-ups.

They're his Mickey Finns.

Gad, Beach!

If your vital organs hadn't been mummified by alcohol,

you'd be in a ruddy coma.

Great excitement. There's been an intruder at the Hall.

Papa went down with his revolver

and there was a great tussle in the dark!

-But Papa managed to bundle the low fellow into the coal cellar.

-Oooh!

What?

Oh, family thing. Nothing to worry about.

Bit of a sticky wicket.

Mr Frederick, the time has come for me to make amends.

Miss Fanshawe.

Could I prevail upon you to drive me to Marling Hall?

Oh, yes... Rather.

Oh, dear...

This is all so inconvenient.

DOOR OPENS

Now, look here.

Beach?

I know the hour is uncivilized, my lord,

-but I thought you might appreciate refreshment.

-Oh...

DOGS HOWL AND BARK

May I recommend to his lordship that he removes his trousers?

I fear they may be exciting the local dogs.

Dog! Beach, Beach, I came here to nab a dog.

The task his lordship set himself has been rather overtaken by events.

I think it would be prudent to return home.

Home... Yes, Beach. Let's go home.

-What the devil's going on?

->

-The trousers, my lord.

-Eh?

-Disrobe.

DOGS KEEP BARKING

Show yourself, damn you, I'll take you all on!

Who goes there?

MUGSY GROWLS

Oh, my God... Good dog, good dog...

DOGS BARK LOUDER

Just a little further, my lord.

Right.

Let us prepare for Beach the Second.

I absolutely insist on serving you, Beach.

You're a man in a million.

I endeavour to give satisfaction, your lordship.

Chin-chin.

Chin-chin, my lord.

Beach!

I'm sorry, but this is atrocious.

You have to leave the house immediately.

Hold your horses, Aunt C.

One or two items here require clarification.

Beach is not atrocious.

He is magnificent.

His selfless dedication to this family is the stuff of legend.

-Last night, he saved the Guv'nor's bacon...

-Yeah!

-..and yours.

What are you drivelling about?

I drivel thus...

Aunt, be seated.

It was a night like any other, when benign, elderly Lord Emsworth

-gazed serenely...

-I dispute 'elderly'.

Get on with it.

HE SNARLS

Thus, it is demonstrated, Aunt Constance, that Beach

is the finest asset a family such as ours could wish to possess.

Of course, we do not possess him.

We merely enjoy the privilege of his service.

Accordingly, I advise doubling his salary.

Hear, hear.

Agreed.

Ah, splendid. Have a sherry. Sorry.

Freddie, it's nine o'clock in the morning.

Small one, as befits the hour.

Cheers.

We could have had such fun, you know, entertaining the King.

Good heavens, is the King coming?

No, Clarence, he is not.

What a shame. Farming man, by all accounts.

I bet he would have enjoyed mucking out The Empress.

DOOR CLOSES

Ha! If that's Corporal Flanpaw,

I'm going to give him a piece of my mind.

If you can find any.

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

DOG WHINES

Good morning, McAllister.

We were just about to have breakfast.

What have you done?

I'm glad you're a' here,

for I desire y'all to witness this.

Play deid!

THEY CHUCKLE

Is that nae the cutest thing ye e'er saw in yir life?

Aunt Julia's going to adore that!

Angus, that is capital. That is capital.

Connie, did you see this?

Do you think he might do it again?

Aye!

THEY LAUGH