Sticky Wicket at Blandings Blandings


Sticky Wicket at Blandings

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BIRDS FLY AWAY

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HE SNORES

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PIG GRUNTS

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Salesman had a handshake like a refrigerated eel,

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but as I say, Harrovian.

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Yet, I am tempted...

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Oh, Angus! Look.

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The Rotary-Varianced, Fully-Rubberized Auto-Dibber.

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Does all your, erm...dibbing automatically.

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What do you think?

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We're no' ha'ing yon impudent contraption in these groonds.

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Think of the energy you would save!

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This is the modern age, McAllister. We must not ossify.

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Ye're off yir mickle heid, mun.

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Yir park is infested with rabbits

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and ye talk of a rubberized dibber.

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Clarence!

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Oh, good heavens.

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Douglas Fanshawe, of Marling Hall.

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Where?

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Coming here, to stay the night.

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Why? Marling's only down the road.

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The Colonel wishes to experience our facilities.

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Oh, poor fellow. Doesn't the Hall run to its own, erm, 'facilities'?

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No, no, be quiet, Clarence. Now, concentrate.

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He has indicated his intention to retire on the grounds

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of black tongue fever contracted up the Yangtze.

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He wishes to canvass you as his successor.

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-But I don't want a feverish black tongue up the...

-As Lord Lieutenant.

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The King's official host in Shropshire.

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PIG GRUNTS

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Come on! Have you no ambition?

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And if you answer that with the words 'pig' and 'fat',

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I will have to extract your spleen with sugar tongs.

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Now... Clean shirt, noble demeanour. Chop, chop.

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Now, the original castle was built by Erconwald the Rampant

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in the reign of Boadicea the First.

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Now, she was a Borgia, but she had an operation for it.

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Lived another 50 years, but never rode a horse. Ha!

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You don't say much, do you?

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HE CHUCKLES

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SHE SIGHS

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All hands on deck. Spice the pump.

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Prepare to receive guests.

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Beach!

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Hmn!

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I have been calling.

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Look what you made me do.

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You made a rope.

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I did not make a rope. Now, listen to me.

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Colonel Fanshawe and his daughter Valerie will be arriving shortly.

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Heavens, man, are you quite well?

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In the ladle, your pinkyship.

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DOOR CLOSES

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SHE SNIFFS

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FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

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Oh!

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-What is that?

-What is what? Oh, this.

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This is Mugsy. He is a dog.

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Why are you carrying it?

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He prefers not to walk. He belongs to Aunt Julia.

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She's gone into toenail, you know, with an ingrowing hospital.

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-What?

-So she wanted someone responsible to look after him.

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In what possible respect do you think you qualify?

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I thought I might teach him some tricks.

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Imagine Aunt Julia returning home to find Mugs can smoke a cigar!

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I am a mild and reasonable woman.

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If you taught my dog to smoke, I would disembowel you.

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My sister Julia is neither reasonable nor mild.

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She would disembowel all of us. Now, concentrate, Freddie.

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Colonel Fanshawe is a neighbour we must strive to know better.

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He is a celebrated explorer

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and his daughter Valerie is about to come out.

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From where?

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Under the bed?

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BEACH CHUCKLES

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And moreover, Beach is behaving in the queerest way.

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He just addressed me as 'your pinkyship'.

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What have you done to provoke that?

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That's so typical of you, to side with the servants.

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I did nothing. He wasn't even drunk.

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You're disappointed that Beach wasn't drunk?

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Oh...

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I do hope this Emsworth is the right man for the job.

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I tell you candidly, my dear, I'm bushed.

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All your old man wants is for today to be tickety-boo.

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I think if we wait to be received, we wait in vain.

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I hear the place is a shambles.

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GUNSHOT

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BIRDS FLY AWAY

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There's someone, Papa.

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I say, would you be kind enough to take us into the house?

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I'm a gairdener, son, no' a bleckin' footman.

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What did he say?

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I think he declined the invitation. Come on.

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HE SNORES

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COLONEL FANSHAWE CLEARS HIS THROAT

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Good grief. Are you drunk?

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I don't believe I am, sir. Are you?

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SHE CHUCKLES

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Extraordinary.

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No, no, no, don't get up. I'll get the bags.

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HOWLING

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Goodness. The Hound of the Emsworths.

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Papa? I might explore.

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BIRDS FLY AWAY

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HE SNARLS

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HE HOWLS MUSICALLY

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Come on, Mugsy. Fill the diaphragm.

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HE HOWLS

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What's the point?

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Brushes, is it?

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I beg your pardon?

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Dusters, handkerchiefs, that sort of thing?

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Beach usually takes a strong line about the front door,

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but he doesn't seem to be about.

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Let's have a squint, then, eh?

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Ah, very splendid.

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No good to me, of course.

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Ah, Connie, fellow here wondering if he can squeeze you into these?

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Colonel Fanshawe?

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I'm not entirely certain.

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I'm having such a peculiar experience in this house.

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What are you doing?

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Oh, I like the spotty ones... Yes.

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Your pig man is rifling through my daughter's underwear.

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I'm not sure why he feels this is his prerogative.

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-Clarence!

-Uh?

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Lord Emsworth?

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Yes?

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I'm Colonel Fanshawe, Lord Lieutenant of Shropshire.

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What are you doing flogging ladies' underwear?

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Augh!

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Hey, hey, hey, hey!

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Come on, have a go.

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Gosh, you don't do anything, do you?

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You just sit.

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But he sits very prettily.

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Is he French?

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Oh, oh... Good God, that never occurred to me.

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It could be the problem.

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Sprechen Sie Deutsch?

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No, no, that's Italian.

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Look here, are you Miss Fanshawe?

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I am. Come here, darling.

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Come and give me a cuddle.

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Oh!

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I'm addressing the dog.

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Come on!

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My father won't let me have a dog.

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He won't admit it, but he's terribly afraid of them.

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He was badly bitten in the Khyber.

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Oh, gosh. Clever tailoring required.

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BELL RINGS

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Ah. Crumpets. Do you like crumpets?

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Who doesn't like crumpets?

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Do you like crumpets?

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Yes, Valerie, I do...

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Fascinating, Colonel. Isn't that fascinating?

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-Ouch!

-What?

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What Colonel Fanshawe was saying?

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Who is Colonel Fanshawe?

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Ouch!

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(Beach, there is no tea in the pot!)

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How long have you had him?

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Too long.

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The problem with these fellows

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is once they get their feet under the table,

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they think they rule the roost.

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I replace my butler every year.

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I call them all George.

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I'm on George the 27th.

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THEY CHUCKLE

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Yes, we really must give that some serious thought, Clarence.

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What's your view on fully rubberized automatic dibbing?

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Generally, I'm...for it?

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How wise you are.

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McAllister disagrees, but he's talking through his sporran.

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No, not sporran, thing on the head.

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Sham o' Tanter.

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A man who thinks to the future.

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-Yes.

-One tries.

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Papa? This is Mugsy and Freddie.

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Excellent. Which is which?

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Mugsy's got the brains.

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-Beach!

-Milady!

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Augh!

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Shall you be mother?

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I'm just off for a bit of kip.

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Can I take Mugsy home with me, Papa? He's so weeny.

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No, no, darling.

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How do you find the King these days, Colonel?

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It would be such and honour to receive him here.

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Is the King going? Oh, capital!

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Gardening man, by all accounts.

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I'd bet he'd like a crack at a fully rubberized dibber.

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Tea's a bit weak...

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GUNSHOT

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BIRDS FLY AWAY

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Do you ride the hounds?

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Ride hounds? No.

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Shoot? Climb mountains?

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-How fascinating.

-Is it?

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Come back here, ye hairy rat!

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I've never met any men who don't do all that, constantly.

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GUNSHOT

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They're all the same, aren't they?

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When I come out, they're going to swarm all over me.

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Oh, then don't come out.

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I can't stay in all my life.

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I don't plan to become a nun.

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-Nor me.

-How'd you like to see me in a wimple?

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I'd love to. Crikey. No, no.

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Sometimes, when I'm excited, I say the opposite of what I mean.

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Why are you excited?

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Absolutely not because of you.

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You are a most unusual man, Mr Threepwood.

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SNORING

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What's that noise?

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HE SNORES LOUDLY

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Gordon Bennett.

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Mugsy, in fact. I'm going to teach him to mix a Manhattan.

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No, you are not. Come away and Valerie will keep you safe.

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Have a care, sir.

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Anything untoward happens to that animal,

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your Aunt Julia will come down on you like the wrath of God.

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She is the wrath of God.

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What are, erm...?

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Swedish vitamins.

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I was feeling a bit mouldy and I found these in Mr Galahad's room.

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If Gally eats them, they certainly keep him perky.

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Beach?

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HE SNORES

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I'm thinking of you, McAllister.

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You could dibble the entire park from your deckchair!

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In all these years, have ye ever once seen me sit doon?

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But, my dear fellow, that is my point...

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I dinnae want to sit doon.

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Can ye not grasp the indignity, old mun?

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My head gardener. Capital fellow.

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Emsworth, tell me frankly.

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Do you feel you enjoy the authority that your rank should confer?

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Bless my soul, Fannyhat, I don't have time to indulge in 'authority'.

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I've got a pig to feed.

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GUNSHOT

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BIRDS FLY AWAY

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HM runs a pretty tight ship, wherever he may be,

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but he appreciates good service.

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It is not unknown for him to address me as Horace.

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That being my name.

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Of course, it's an honorary position.

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There's no salary.

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One does it purely for the kudos.

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I think your butler needs to go to bed.

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Beach? My dear fellow, you really do look rather tired.

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Why don't you withdraw to your comfortable chair

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and have a glass of port?

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We can all manage perfectly well.

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Very kind, my lord.

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I'm going to put you in touch with the agency I use.

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They'll get you someone within the week. Ex-soldiers, mostly.

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They'll shine your boots and part your hair.

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More wine, Colonel Fanshawe?

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GUNSHOT

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Good idea. We can get Beach to pour us something special.

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From his 'comfortable chair'?

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Mmmm.

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-Freddie.

-Uh?

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Arrange wine.

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I'm just going to arrange wine.

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Good luck.

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Will you be all right while I'm gone?

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I'll try to cope, yes.

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Miss Fanshawe, I do think you're rather jolly.

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Frederick!

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Doing it, Aunt.

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Has your brother much experience of ceremonial duties?

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But of course.

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When HM visits Shropshire, it's the responsibility

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of the Lord Lieutenant to have him correctly billeted,

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-dined and entertained.

-He is very capable of all that sort of thing.

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Aren't you, Clarence?

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But I don't want someone to shine my hair and boot my parts.

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I want Beach!

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CROCKERY CLATTERS

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-BEACH:

-Wahey!

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Lord Emsworth, it strikes me

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there are domestic matters that require your attention.

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-Ah!

-Valerie and I shall return to Marling Hall in the motor.

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Come along, Driver Fanshawe.

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But...

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..Colonel...

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Colonel...

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You are coming with me!

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Cheers.

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Oh!

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Where are you going?

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Me?

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Whoever else is there in the room?

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Frederick. Oh!

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Hello?

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What are you doing?

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-Looking for Mugsy.

-What?

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Blighter's done a bunk.

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BELL RINGS

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Freddie, just go and answer the door. Go!

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I thought Admiral Handsaw and his daughter were...

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They have gone, Clarence.

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You have driven them away, you gibbering halfwit. God in heaven!

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Calling you a halfwit is a discourtesy to people

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with 50% of their brain missing.

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You are a child, Clarence.

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Even if you have no interest in being of service to the King,

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did it never occur to you that it might have been pleasant for me?

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You asked me where I was going, and I've just remembered.

0:17:500:17:55

I'm looking for Beach.

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I'm... I'm concerned about him.

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Connie, you might not have noticed, but he seems a little out of sorts.

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You're counting to ten, aren't you?

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-I am going to my room, Clarence.

-Oh!

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And while I am there, I wish you to sort out every aspect

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of this appalling, shameful fiasco.

0:18:180:18:22

-Moreover, I intend to take steps.

-Ah!

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The first of which will be the immediate dismissal of Beach.

0:18:280:18:32

It's awfully late for a telegram. Oh! Oh!

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HE SCREAMS

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FREDDIE GROANS

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Spit and corruption!

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HE SNORES

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Beach?

0:19:080:19:09

Oh, good heavens, Frederick.

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Whatever have you done to your, er...?

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I read a telegram that made me fall down the stairs.

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Oh, bless my soul.

0:19:160:19:17

Your soul may well be in need of blessing, Guv'nor.

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Aunt Julia is out of hospital. And Mugsy's gone rogue.

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Oh, your Aunt Julia is a terrible person, Frederick.

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She lost her temper in the summer of 1882

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and it has never been recovered.

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And when she finds out I've lost her dog, she'll blow her top.

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Which means Aunt C will blow hers.

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It's going to be one hideous orgy of auntly top-blowing, Guv'nor.

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What to do?

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-Pinch it back.

-What?

0:19:390:19:41

The girl pinched the dog...

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so go to Marling and pinch it back.

0:19:440:19:46

Miss Fanshawe, you voluptuous fiend.

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Here, Beach, sharpen up. Have a pill.

0:19:500:19:53

All you have got to do is...

0:19:550:19:57

HE SNORES

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Never seen a fellow fall to sleep so rapidly. It's a sort of gift.

0:20:000:20:03

But he's right, Guv'nor. Does your bicycle have a light?

0:20:030:20:05

What does it matter if my icicle has a blight? I'm not going.

0:20:050:20:08

Well, he can't go and I can't go.

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So you have to go. It'll be peasy!

0:20:100:20:11

All you need to do is lurk in the shrubbery

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till they shove the dog out to ablute and then nab him.

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But what if the dog doesn't wish to be nabbed by me?

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Well, rub your trousers with meat.

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Meat?

0:20:200:20:21

Oh, Guv'nor, don't be so obtuse.

0:20:210:20:23

Make yourself attractive to Mugsy by anointing your trousers

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with...raw sausage or something.

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-What utter tripe.

-Oh, tripe! Perfect!

0:20:280:20:30

Frederick, I am not triping my trousers

0:20:300:20:32

or anointing them with sausages.

0:20:320:20:34

I am not doing this thing.

0:20:340:20:35

BEACH SNORES

0:20:350:20:38

DOGS BARK AND HOWL

0:20:420:20:47

Do you forgive me?

0:20:530:20:55

Unreservedly. With glittering knobs on. Where's the pooch?

0:20:550:20:59

I've lost him.

0:20:590:21:00

Oh, not to worry. Minor detail.

0:21:000:21:04

Papa says I'm never to come here again.

0:21:040:21:06

He says you're all doolally.

0:21:060:21:08

He says that a bucket of frogspawn would have made

0:21:080:21:10

a better Lord Lieutenant than Emsworth.

0:21:100:21:13

Well, harsh but fair.

0:21:130:21:14

Before I go...

0:21:160:21:18

can I just say something I've been meaning to say?

0:21:180:21:21

TELEPHONE RINGS

0:21:260:21:29

Where are we?

0:21:320:21:34

Blandings Castle.

0:21:340:21:35

Blandings Castle. Who are you?

0:21:350:21:37

'This is Lieutenant Colonel Horace Fanshawe.'

0:21:370:21:40

-Bully for you, being a colonel.

-'What?!'

0:21:400:21:42

I'm a butler.

0:21:420:21:44

Shall I have a word?

0:21:440:21:45

Have a whole pile.

0:21:450:21:47

Beach, your manner of late has become a little informal.

0:21:470:21:51

I beg your pardon, Mr Frederick. I do feel a bit...

0:21:510:21:54

irregular.

0:21:540:21:56

Yeah, I prescribe a Rotterdam.

0:21:560:21:58

Large port.

0:21:580:22:00

No...

0:22:000:22:01

Really?!

0:22:020:22:04

-Oh! Stop. Hold the line a minute.

-Oh, goodness!

0:22:060:22:10

Those aren't Gally's pick-me-ups.

0:22:100:22:13

They're his Mickey Finns.

0:22:130:22:15

Gad, Beach!

0:22:150:22:16

If your vital organs hadn't been mummified by alcohol,

0:22:160:22:19

you'd be in a ruddy coma.

0:22:190:22:21

Great excitement. There's been an intruder at the Hall.

0:22:210:22:24

Papa went down with his revolver

0:22:240:22:26

and there was a great tussle in the dark!

0:22:260:22:27

-But Papa managed to bundle the low fellow into the coal cellar.

-Oooh!

0:22:270:22:31

What?

0:22:310:22:33

Oh, family thing. Nothing to worry about.

0:22:330:22:35

Bit of a sticky wicket.

0:22:350:22:37

Mr Frederick, the time has come for me to make amends.

0:22:380:22:41

Miss Fanshawe.

0:22:410:22:42

Could I prevail upon you to drive me to Marling Hall?

0:22:420:22:45

Oh, yes... Rather.

0:22:450:22:47

Oh, dear...

0:22:540:22:57

This is all so inconvenient.

0:22:570:22:59

DOOR OPENS

0:22:590:23:01

Now, look here.

0:23:070:23:08

Beach?

0:23:140:23:16

I know the hour is uncivilized, my lord,

0:23:160:23:18

-but I thought you might appreciate refreshment.

-Oh...

0:23:180:23:21

DOGS HOWL AND BARK

0:23:260:23:28

May I recommend to his lordship that he removes his trousers?

0:23:280:23:31

I fear they may be exciting the local dogs.

0:23:310:23:35

Dog! Beach, Beach, I came here to nab a dog.

0:23:350:23:39

The task his lordship set himself has been rather overtaken by events.

0:23:390:23:43

I think it would be prudent to return home.

0:23:430:23:45

Home... Yes, Beach. Let's go home.

0:23:450:23:49

-What the devil's going on?

->

0:23:490:23:50

-The trousers, my lord.

-Eh?

-Disrobe.

0:23:500:23:53

DOGS KEEP BARKING

0:23:530:23:54

Show yourself, damn you, I'll take you all on!

0:23:540:23:57

Who goes there?

0:23:570:23:58

MUGSY GROWLS

0:23:580:24:01

Oh, my God... Good dog, good dog...

0:24:010:24:04

DOGS BARK LOUDER

0:24:040:24:08

Just a little further, my lord.

0:24:280:24:30

Right.

0:24:590:25:00

Let us prepare for Beach the Second.

0:25:020:25:05

I absolutely insist on serving you, Beach.

0:25:060:25:11

You're a man in a million.

0:25:110:25:13

I endeavour to give satisfaction, your lordship.

0:25:130:25:16

Chin-chin.

0:25:160:25:18

Chin-chin, my lord.

0:25:180:25:19

Beach!

0:25:190:25:21

I'm sorry, but this is atrocious.

0:25:210:25:24

You have to leave the house immediately.

0:25:240:25:26

Hold your horses, Aunt C.

0:25:260:25:28

One or two items here require clarification.

0:25:280:25:31

Beach is not atrocious.

0:25:310:25:34

He is magnificent.

0:25:340:25:36

His selfless dedication to this family is the stuff of legend.

0:25:360:25:39

-Last night, he saved the Guv'nor's bacon...

-Yeah!

-..and yours.

0:25:390:25:43

What are you drivelling about?

0:25:430:25:45

I drivel thus...

0:25:450:25:47

Aunt, be seated.

0:25:470:25:49

It was a night like any other, when benign, elderly Lord Emsworth

0:25:540:25:59

-gazed serenely...

-I dispute 'elderly'.

0:25:590:26:01

Get on with it.

0:26:010:26:03

HE SNARLS

0:26:150:26:16

Thus, it is demonstrated, Aunt Constance, that Beach

0:26:200:26:24

is the finest asset a family such as ours could wish to possess.

0:26:240:26:27

Of course, we do not possess him.

0:26:270:26:30

We merely enjoy the privilege of his service.

0:26:300:26:34

Accordingly, I advise doubling his salary.

0:26:340:26:36

Hear, hear.

0:26:360:26:38

Agreed.

0:26:410:26:42

Ah, splendid. Have a sherry. Sorry.

0:26:420:26:45

Freddie, it's nine o'clock in the morning.

0:26:460:26:48

Small one, as befits the hour.

0:26:480:26:50

Cheers.

0:26:500:26:51

We could have had such fun, you know, entertaining the King.

0:26:520:26:56

Good heavens, is the King coming?

0:26:560:26:59

No, Clarence, he is not.

0:26:590:27:01

What a shame. Farming man, by all accounts.

0:27:010:27:05

I bet he would have enjoyed mucking out The Empress.

0:27:050:27:07

DOOR CLOSES

0:27:070:27:09

Ha! If that's Corporal Flanpaw,

0:27:090:27:11

I'm going to give him a piece of my mind.

0:27:110:27:13

If you can find any.

0:27:130:27:15

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

0:27:150:27:17

DOG WHINES

0:27:270:27:28

Good morning, McAllister.

0:27:280:27:30

We were just about to have breakfast.

0:27:300:27:33

What have you done?

0:27:330:27:34

I'm glad you're a' here,

0:27:340:27:36

for I desire y'all to witness this.

0:27:360:27:39

Play deid!

0:27:470:27:48

THEY CHUCKLE

0:27:510:27:54

Is that nae the cutest thing ye e'er saw in yir life?

0:27:540:28:00

Aunt Julia's going to adore that!

0:28:000:28:02

Angus, that is capital. That is capital.

0:28:020:28:05

Connie, did you see this?

0:28:050:28:07

Do you think he might do it again?

0:28:070:28:09

Aye!

0:28:090:28:10

THEY LAUGH

0:28:160:28:18

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