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This programme contains very strong language and adult humour | 0:00:02 | 0:00:06 | |
HELICOPTER WHIRRS | 0:00:06 | 0:00:07 | |
That'll be the Christmas turkey arriving. | 0:00:07 | 0:00:09 | |
Or something genetically modified to remind you of it. | 0:00:09 | 0:00:12 | |
It's also my new number two, sir. | 0:00:12 | 0:00:14 | |
Ah, yes. Corporal House. | 0:00:14 | 0:00:16 | |
I hear he came top in the High Threat course. | 0:00:16 | 0:00:18 | |
He's the best. That's why I chose him. | 0:00:18 | 0:00:20 | |
Thought we'd have a lot in common. | 0:00:20 | 0:00:22 | |
Best isn't always best. | 0:00:22 | 0:00:24 | |
I tend to favour "turns up on time and not a twat". | 0:00:24 | 0:00:27 | |
Don't worry, sir, I'll have him integrated into the team | 0:00:27 | 0:00:29 | |
faster than you can say, "Integrated into the team". | 0:00:29 | 0:00:32 | |
I admire your confidence. | 0:00:32 | 0:00:33 | |
And your diction. | 0:00:33 | 0:00:35 | |
-Oh, and I hear your team's doing the Nativity play. -Ah, yeah. | 0:01:26 | 0:01:29 | |
I did a trade with a mortar platoon commander back in September. | 0:01:29 | 0:01:32 | |
Didn't think I'd live long enough to actually have to do it. | 0:01:32 | 0:01:35 | |
My condolences on your survival. | 0:01:35 | 0:01:37 | |
-Corporal House, sir. -Ah! Captain Nick Medhurst. | 0:01:39 | 0:01:42 | |
And this is... | 0:01:42 | 0:01:43 | |
That WAS the CO. | 0:01:45 | 0:01:47 | |
Welcome to Bluestone 42. | 0:01:47 | 0:01:49 | |
Let me introduce you to my team. | 0:01:49 | 0:01:51 | |
Look, Corporal, I know this is your first tour, | 0:01:51 | 0:01:53 | |
but I'm sure you'll fit right in. | 0:01:53 | 0:01:54 | |
They're a tightknit, professional unit. | 0:01:54 | 0:01:56 | |
Here we go! | 0:02:02 | 0:02:03 | |
ALL: Ahhhhh! | 0:02:05 | 0:02:06 | |
For God's sake! | 0:02:06 | 0:02:07 | |
Team. | 0:02:07 | 0:02:09 | |
It's Corporal House. | 0:02:09 | 0:02:10 | |
Oh, welcome, welcome. Lance Corporal Lansley. | 0:02:10 | 0:02:14 | |
Oh! Grrr! | 0:02:14 | 0:02:16 | |
You catch us blowing off some steam. | 0:02:16 | 0:02:19 | |
It's called Fire Antlers. | 0:02:19 | 0:02:21 | |
The antlers are soaked in petrol. You have to set them alight. | 0:02:21 | 0:02:25 | |
Mac thought of it. You know, cos tomorrow it's Christmas. | 0:02:25 | 0:02:28 | |
And, you know, cos Mac is a keen arsonist. | 0:02:28 | 0:02:31 | |
This is Bird, our bleep. This is Rocket, this is Mac. | 0:02:31 | 0:02:34 | |
We used to play something like this back in Leeds when I were a kid. | 0:02:34 | 0:02:36 | |
But with rocks. | 0:02:36 | 0:02:38 | |
It were mint. Come on, then! | 0:02:39 | 0:02:41 | |
ALL: Oh! | 0:02:41 | 0:02:42 | |
Move over! | 0:02:44 | 0:02:46 | |
-ALL EXCLAIM -Hey? | 0:02:47 | 0:02:49 | |
ALL SHOUT AND LAUGH | 0:02:49 | 0:02:52 | |
Welcome to the team. | 0:02:56 | 0:02:57 | |
Yeah. You're pregnant. | 0:03:27 | 0:03:29 | |
-Probably. -How has this happened? | 0:03:29 | 0:03:32 | |
The usual way. Fucking. | 0:03:32 | 0:03:34 | |
I'm such a prick. They're going to send me home. | 0:03:34 | 0:03:38 | |
So, you were in Portsmouth. | 0:03:38 | 0:03:39 | |
Fucked a sailor whose name you have forgotten. | 0:03:39 | 0:03:41 | |
I didn't forget it. Just never found it out. | 0:03:41 | 0:03:44 | |
Well, you did forget that your contraceptive injection ran out | 0:03:44 | 0:03:47 | |
round about the 14th. | 0:03:47 | 0:03:48 | |
And now you're eight days late. | 0:03:48 | 0:03:50 | |
So...piss on that. | 0:03:52 | 0:03:55 | |
Thanks for the tip, cos I was going to dump on it. | 0:03:55 | 0:03:58 | |
# It's Christmas time | 0:04:02 | 0:04:05 | |
# There's no need to be afraid... # | 0:04:05 | 0:04:08 | |
Afraid. Afraid of what? I'm not afraid. | 0:04:08 | 0:04:10 | |
Oh, I was singing a jolly Christmas song. | 0:04:10 | 0:04:12 | |
Yeah. Cheery. | 0:04:12 | 0:04:14 | |
Do you know, I woke up this morning and I realised that | 0:04:14 | 0:04:16 | |
this will be the first Christmas without Charlotte in my adult life. | 0:04:16 | 0:04:20 | |
And do you know what I felt? | 0:04:20 | 0:04:22 | |
-Relief? -Relie... | 0:04:22 | 0:04:23 | |
Relief! Exactly. | 0:04:23 | 0:04:25 | |
I'm a free man! | 0:04:25 | 0:04:27 | |
She can't touch me any more. | 0:04:27 | 0:04:29 | |
She doesn't want to touch you any more. | 0:04:29 | 0:04:31 | |
She made that extremely clear by breaking off your engagement. | 0:04:31 | 0:04:34 | |
Yeah. | 0:04:34 | 0:04:35 | |
HE CHUCKLES | 0:04:35 | 0:04:37 | |
Yeah! | 0:04:37 | 0:04:38 | |
# There's a world outside your window... # | 0:04:38 | 0:04:42 | |
Ah, shite. Sorry, Skip. | 0:04:42 | 0:04:45 | |
What on earth do you think you're doing? | 0:04:45 | 0:04:47 | |
-Deep-fried Milky Ways. -It's the taste of Christmas. | 0:04:47 | 0:04:51 | |
With a Milky Way inside. | 0:04:51 | 0:04:52 | |
Look, your leave was delayed, you're missing Christmas at home... | 0:04:52 | 0:04:57 | |
so whatever you want do to cheer yourselves up is fine by me. | 0:04:57 | 0:05:00 | |
So, you don't mind the obvious safety implications? | 0:05:00 | 0:05:03 | |
Not even a little bit. Hm! Training in five minutes, you monkeys! | 0:05:03 | 0:05:07 | |
Whoo! | 0:05:09 | 0:05:11 | |
Simon's happy. | 0:05:11 | 0:05:12 | |
This must change. | 0:05:14 | 0:05:15 | |
SHE SIGHS | 0:05:25 | 0:05:26 | |
SHE PUFFS | 0:05:36 | 0:05:38 | |
Fuck me if that is not all the kit in the world, ever. | 0:05:41 | 0:05:44 | |
It's all there for a reason. | 0:05:44 | 0:05:47 | |
Your ATO, then. | 0:05:47 | 0:05:48 | |
Everyone at HQ reckons he's a right typical Rupert. | 0:05:48 | 0:05:51 | |
Rupert? Nah. His name's Nick. | 0:05:51 | 0:05:54 | |
I think it's short for Nicholas. | 0:05:54 | 0:05:56 | |
Rupert as in officer. | 0:05:56 | 0:05:58 | |
As in posh twat who only got put in charge | 0:05:58 | 0:06:00 | |
cos he's got a silver spoon wedged up his jacksie. | 0:06:00 | 0:06:03 | |
Hm. Interesting, Corporal. | 0:06:03 | 0:06:05 | |
-HE CLEARS HIS THROAT -No offence. | 0:06:05 | 0:06:06 | |
Some taken. So, Gordon House. | 0:06:06 | 0:06:10 | |
You sound like a tower block. | 0:06:10 | 0:06:11 | |
And you look like Prince William. You related? | 0:06:11 | 0:06:14 | |
Yeah, I'm his real brother. | 0:06:14 | 0:06:16 | |
-Does that make you more or less inbred? -Ooh. -Only kidding. | 0:06:16 | 0:06:20 | |
You know, Towerblock might be quite a good name for you, | 0:06:20 | 0:06:22 | |
given as you were probably brought up in one. | 0:06:22 | 0:06:24 | |
Is that the sort of thing a typical Rupert would say? | 0:06:24 | 0:06:27 | |
Wouldn't want to disappoint. | 0:06:27 | 0:06:28 | |
I'm just putting it out there, sir. We do that in Leeds. | 0:06:28 | 0:06:30 | |
You'll get used to it. | 0:06:30 | 0:06:32 | |
And what a fun process that's going to be(!) | 0:06:32 | 0:06:35 | |
Happy Christmas Eve, guys! | 0:06:35 | 0:06:36 | |
I thought I'd come and say hi. Mary Greenstock. Padre. | 0:06:36 | 0:06:39 | |
Gordon House. Cheeky Northern bastard. | 0:06:39 | 0:06:41 | |
Ma'am. | 0:06:41 | 0:06:42 | |
We'll get used to it, apparently. He's from Leeds. | 0:06:42 | 0:06:46 | |
# Ding dong merrily on high In heaven the bells are... # | 0:06:46 | 0:06:49 | |
Ringing? | 0:06:49 | 0:06:50 | |
Padre, do you have the script for the Nativity play? | 0:06:50 | 0:06:53 | |
Yes, because last year at Catterick, we did one... | 0:06:53 | 0:06:56 | |
-That's not still happening, is it? -It'll be fun! Treading the boards! | 0:06:56 | 0:06:59 | |
And it's great for morale on the base. | 0:06:59 | 0:07:01 | |
If a padre can't raise morale at Christmas, | 0:07:01 | 0:07:03 | |
what's the point of her? | 0:07:03 | 0:07:04 | |
I've often wondered that. | 0:07:04 | 0:07:05 | |
Boss, tell OIC Mortars we're not doing this stupid play. | 0:07:06 | 0:07:09 | |
Yeah, but then I'd have to give him his delicious Cuban cigars back. | 0:07:09 | 0:07:12 | |
And that's going to be...tricky. | 0:07:12 | 0:07:15 | |
So, you sold out your team for a box of posh cigars? | 0:07:15 | 0:07:19 | |
Classic Rupert. | 0:07:19 | 0:07:20 | |
I had no choice. They were Cubans. Right, training. | 0:07:20 | 0:07:25 | |
Lesson one... Oh, my God! | 0:07:25 | 0:07:27 | |
Well, I never use that, that, that... any of that. | 0:07:27 | 0:07:32 | |
The gantry... is no use to man or beast. | 0:07:32 | 0:07:35 | |
And this - this can go in the bin. | 0:07:35 | 0:07:38 | |
But the brass is non-magnetic, for digging round the device. | 0:07:38 | 0:07:41 | |
-Yes... -In training, we always used to... | 0:07:41 | 0:07:43 | |
Yeah, well, we're 3,500 miles from training now, aren't we? | 0:07:43 | 0:07:46 | |
So, just... get all of this squared away. | 0:07:46 | 0:07:50 | |
Captain. As you were. Everything all right? | 0:07:51 | 0:07:54 | |
Integrated as promised? | 0:07:54 | 0:07:55 | |
Fully, sir. | 0:07:56 | 0:07:58 | |
Good, because one of my patrol has found an IED in Yellow Three. | 0:07:58 | 0:08:01 | |
SAT says you're not ready to deploy yet | 0:08:01 | 0:08:03 | |
but you seemed confident earlier. | 0:08:03 | 0:08:05 | |
Yeah. | 0:08:06 | 0:08:07 | |
We're ready. | 0:08:08 | 0:08:09 | |
Right, Bluestone 42... | 0:08:11 | 0:08:14 | |
Off we fuck. | 0:08:14 | 0:08:15 | |
So, if Nick's short for Nicholas, | 0:08:17 | 0:08:19 | |
is Mac short for Macholas? | 0:08:19 | 0:08:21 | |
HORN TOOTS | 0:08:30 | 0:08:32 | |
At the risk of sounding like a Rupert, can you fetch my bags? | 0:09:02 | 0:09:06 | |
Thanks, Towerblock. | 0:09:07 | 0:09:08 | |
-That name sticking, is it? -Seems to be. | 0:09:08 | 0:09:11 | |
Where's Faruq? | 0:09:15 | 0:09:17 | |
You want goose? | 0:09:17 | 0:09:18 | |
No, Faruq! I want to talk to witnesses. | 0:09:18 | 0:09:20 | |
Christmas dinner! Very tasty. | 0:09:20 | 0:09:22 | |
Ten dollars. It is agreed. | 0:09:22 | 0:09:24 | |
-I'm going to dispense with the robot. -But shouldn't we at least...? | 0:09:27 | 0:09:29 | |
Bad atmospherics. We need to restore normality ASAP. | 0:09:29 | 0:09:32 | |
Get rid of it. | 0:09:34 | 0:09:35 | |
You just can't get the staff these days. | 0:09:38 | 0:09:39 | |
Typical Rupert. | 0:09:44 | 0:09:45 | |
You do all that training but at the end of the day, | 0:09:45 | 0:09:48 | |
-it's, "Do what you're told". -Yeah? Well... | 0:09:48 | 0:09:50 | |
-NORTHERN ACCENT: -..do what you're told | 0:09:50 | 0:09:51 | |
and you might make it out of this tour alive. | 0:09:51 | 0:09:53 | |
-I know how to do my job, all right? -Just drop the bravado and do what... | 0:09:53 | 0:09:56 | |
Bravado? I'm not scared. | 0:09:56 | 0:09:59 | |
No? Well, you should be. | 0:09:59 | 0:10:02 | |
Half the people round here want to kill us. | 0:10:02 | 0:10:03 | |
And the other half couldn't give a shit if we died right here and now. | 0:10:03 | 0:10:06 | |
-Luckily, there are three or four people who think we're ace. -Yeah? | 0:10:06 | 0:10:09 | |
Which ones are they? | 0:10:11 | 0:10:13 | |
No idea. But that's what makes it so exciting! | 0:10:13 | 0:10:15 | |
Right. | 0:10:17 | 0:10:18 | |
I'm going down there. | 0:10:20 | 0:10:22 | |
Man-bag and disrupter. | 0:10:23 | 0:10:25 | |
Still reckon you'll be better off with the robot. | 0:10:25 | 0:10:27 | |
Yeah, let's waste time discussing a decision I've already taken. | 0:10:27 | 0:10:30 | |
Tatty-bye. | 0:10:37 | 0:10:38 | |
Boss on the move. | 0:10:44 | 0:10:46 | |
'OK, Towerblock, the disruptor's ready to go | 0:10:54 | 0:10:56 | |
'and I've bunged some Thermite on the main charge. | 0:10:56 | 0:10:58 | |
'That way we can burn it off and avoid any big bangs.' | 0:10:58 | 0:11:01 | |
If we'd brought the gantry, we could hook and line it out. | 0:11:01 | 0:11:03 | |
I'm a demon with the old hook and line, me. | 0:11:03 | 0:11:06 | |
'I'm sure you're amazing, but we're burning it.' | 0:11:06 | 0:11:09 | |
Cover, everyone. | 0:11:09 | 0:11:10 | |
Stand by for disruptor. Firing. | 0:11:17 | 0:11:19 | |
OK, now hit the Thermite. | 0:11:22 | 0:11:23 | |
Firing Thermite. Stand by. | 0:11:24 | 0:11:26 | |
Firing. | 0:11:26 | 0:11:28 | |
FIZZING | 0:11:28 | 0:11:29 | |
Still reckon we could have used the gantry. Pull it out. | 0:11:36 | 0:11:39 | |
Incorrect. This causes less disruption and if we need to go, | 0:11:39 | 0:11:42 | |
-we can leave it burning. -But what...? -Look, Towerblock. | 0:11:42 | 0:11:44 | |
When it comes to IEDs, I do know what I'm talking about... | 0:11:44 | 0:11:47 | |
Oh, dear. | 0:11:52 | 0:11:53 | |
There was a second charge underneath on an anti-lift switch, OK? | 0:11:56 | 0:11:59 | |
When enough weight burnt off... woomph! | 0:11:59 | 0:12:01 | |
Like a...bottle of champagne. | 0:12:01 | 0:12:04 | |
Champagne? It's kind of fizzy wine. | 0:12:04 | 0:12:07 | |
Do you have that "oop North"? | 0:12:07 | 0:12:09 | |
No. In Armley we mainly drink chip fat. | 0:12:09 | 0:12:12 | |
-# God rest ye, merry gentlemen... # -Shut up, Simon! | 0:12:12 | 0:12:15 | |
Oh. Boss, when we get back, | 0:12:15 | 0:12:17 | |
we really need to sort out the parts for the Nativity play. | 0:12:17 | 0:12:20 | |
Oh! Can I be the caterpillar? | 0:12:20 | 0:12:22 | |
When we did the Nativity in primary, I was a brilliant caterpillar. | 0:12:22 | 0:12:26 | |
I want to play Herod and slaughter all the wee kiddies. | 0:12:26 | 0:12:29 | |
-I'm not sure that... -And I'm not playing the Virgin fucking Mary. | 0:12:29 | 0:12:32 | |
I'm no' fucking surprised! Imagine that, Bird a virgin. | 0:12:32 | 0:12:35 | |
THEY LAUGH | 0:12:35 | 0:12:37 | |
Bird being a virgin! | 0:12:37 | 0:12:39 | |
Yes, that would be quite the acting role. | 0:12:39 | 0:12:41 | |
"Mary, turns out you're not a slag." | 0:12:47 | 0:12:50 | |
Padre, did you really write this? | 0:12:51 | 0:12:54 | |
Er, yes, I did! | 0:12:54 | 0:12:55 | |
Not all padres are humourless, uptight... | 0:12:55 | 0:12:58 | |
Actually, that line was written by a private in Catterick. | 0:12:58 | 0:13:01 | |
OK, let's keep this moving. | 0:13:01 | 0:13:03 | |
"In a dream I was told that you got pregnant from an angel." | 0:13:03 | 0:13:07 | |
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT | 0:13:07 | 0:13:09 | |
"From an angel caterpillar." | 0:13:09 | 0:13:11 | |
That is fucking ridiculous! | 0:13:11 | 0:13:13 | |
Yeah, cos the rest of the Christmas story definitely happened(!) | 0:13:13 | 0:13:16 | |
All right, don't ruin the magic! | 0:13:16 | 0:13:17 | |
Towerblock, Towerblock, Towerblock. | 0:13:17 | 0:13:19 | |
Right, just... Intensity! Yeah? Projection! Go! | 0:13:19 | 0:13:23 | |
Oh, I see what's happened. | 0:13:23 | 0:13:25 | |
I made the mistake of training for combat, not the fucking West End! | 0:13:25 | 0:13:29 | |
Simon, I'm ready for my close-up... | 0:13:29 | 0:13:31 | |
You'll be on soon, boss. And Mary says... | 0:13:31 | 0:13:34 | |
We must away to Bethlehem | 0:13:34 | 0:13:35 | |
so I can make baby Jesus come out of my foo-foo. | 0:13:35 | 0:13:37 | |
Er, Bird, that's not... | 0:13:37 | 0:13:39 | |
Boop. Let's hit pause that there. OK, Bird. Bird. | 0:13:39 | 0:13:42 | |
Think. | 0:13:43 | 0:13:45 | |
She's pregnant. Hormonal. | 0:13:45 | 0:13:48 | |
-Moody. -Yeah, I'm doing it fucking moody. | 0:13:49 | 0:13:52 | |
-Um, and in the script... -Jesus! | 0:13:52 | 0:13:54 | |
Imagine how moody Bird would be if she really was pregnant! | 0:13:54 | 0:13:56 | |
Ha-ha-ha! But which is funnier? | 0:13:56 | 0:13:58 | |
Bird being pregnant or Bird being a virgin? | 0:13:58 | 0:14:00 | |
-Seriously... -Team! You are on in two hours. | 0:14:00 | 0:14:03 | |
Yeah. OK. You. Ma'am. | 0:14:03 | 0:14:05 | |
I want to talk to you about Mary's...costume? Go! | 0:14:05 | 0:14:08 | |
-Uh, sure. -No, but you... Oh. | 0:14:08 | 0:14:10 | |
I tell you what. I'm not playing Joseph. | 0:14:10 | 0:14:13 | |
I'm not standing up there looking like a prick. | 0:14:13 | 0:14:15 | |
Pity, cos you're quite good at that. | 0:14:15 | 0:14:17 | |
I tell you what. I'll play... Star In The East? | 0:14:17 | 0:14:21 | |
-What? -You want to play a silent, inanimate object? That's perfect. | 0:14:21 | 0:14:25 | |
Congratulations, Simon. Looks like you're Joseph. | 0:14:25 | 0:14:28 | |
Well, it's natural casting. | 0:14:28 | 0:14:30 | |
For some reason, Mary wears blue and white, | 0:14:32 | 0:14:34 | |
but there's no particular reason... | 0:14:34 | 0:14:35 | |
Can we talk about Mary's character? Cos she's fucked, isn't she? | 0:14:35 | 0:14:38 | |
Er, well, technically she's... | 0:14:38 | 0:14:39 | |
Her whole world turned upside down by an unexpected pregnancy. | 0:14:39 | 0:14:43 | |
All her plans ruined. She don't know who the father is. | 0:14:43 | 0:14:46 | |
-Well, she does know... -She's angry that she lost track | 0:14:46 | 0:14:48 | |
of her fucking contraceptive injection. | 0:14:48 | 0:14:50 | |
Bird, is there something you'd like to talk about? | 0:14:50 | 0:14:54 | |
-Are you pregnant? -No! | 0:14:55 | 0:14:57 | |
Probably not. | 0:14:59 | 0:15:00 | |
Dunno. Maybe. | 0:15:00 | 0:15:02 | |
-Did you go to see the medic? You got a test kit? -Got it. | 0:15:02 | 0:15:04 | |
-Choked it. Binned it. -Oh, Bird! | 0:15:04 | 0:15:06 | |
If it comes back positive, I'll be on the first heli back to Bastion. | 0:15:06 | 0:15:09 | |
And Nick needs me now more than ever. | 0:15:09 | 0:15:11 | |
OK. | 0:15:11 | 0:15:12 | |
Well, look how about I get you another test, | 0:15:12 | 0:15:14 | |
and at least that way you'll have all the facts, hm? | 0:15:14 | 0:15:18 | |
I can't believe I've got to play fucking Mary! | 0:15:18 | 0:15:21 | |
Oh, Bird. Leave it with me. | 0:15:21 | 0:15:23 | |
Greetings, shepherds. | 0:15:29 | 0:15:31 | |
I brought you a sheep. | 0:15:31 | 0:15:33 | |
Thank you for your very kind gift. | 0:15:33 | 0:15:35 | |
Knock yourself out. | 0:15:35 | 0:15:37 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:15:37 | 0:15:38 | |
And then, from the East, the Wise Men came. | 0:15:38 | 0:15:43 | |
What's the first rule? | 0:15:49 | 0:15:51 | |
Find the baby Jesus. | 0:15:51 | 0:15:54 | |
We must follow yonder star in the East. East! | 0:15:54 | 0:15:57 | |
Who the fuck did that?! | 0:15:59 | 0:16:01 | |
You silly cunt! SHELL WHISTLES | 0:16:01 | 0:16:02 | |
Are you trying to start a bloody firefight? | 0:16:02 | 0:16:04 | |
EXPLOSION | 0:16:04 | 0:16:06 | |
Incoming! | 0:16:06 | 0:16:07 | |
Take cover! | 0:16:12 | 0:16:13 | |
MACHINE-GUN FIRE | 0:16:15 | 0:16:16 | |
SHELL WHISTLES | 0:16:16 | 0:16:18 | |
Oh, shit. | 0:16:20 | 0:16:21 | |
They've hit the cookhouse! | 0:16:23 | 0:16:25 | |
Bastards! | 0:16:25 | 0:16:27 | |
Corporal Lansley. | 0:16:27 | 0:16:28 | |
Round up the rest of Charlie section and put down suppressing fire. | 0:16:28 | 0:16:31 | |
Sir! Charlie section! On me! | 0:16:31 | 0:16:34 | |
That's for blowing up the cookhouse! | 0:16:37 | 0:16:39 | |
And that's for ruining Christmas dinner! | 0:16:39 | 0:16:41 | |
Charlie, Charlie One. This is Zero. Stand down. | 0:16:41 | 0:16:44 | |
Stand down, Rocket! | 0:16:44 | 0:16:47 | |
And that's for the turkey. And the sprouts. | 0:16:47 | 0:16:50 | |
Stand down, I said! | 0:16:50 | 0:16:51 | |
Worst Nativity play ever. What's the first rule? | 0:16:54 | 0:16:58 | |
Find the baby Jes...? | 0:16:58 | 0:16:59 | |
Don't destroy the cookhouse and all the turkey in it | 0:16:59 | 0:17:02 | |
on the night before Christmas. | 0:17:02 | 0:17:04 | |
I knew that new number two was going to be trouble. | 0:17:04 | 0:17:07 | |
Sir, I'd like to take full responsibility. | 0:17:07 | 0:17:09 | |
-Mm. Yes. I thought you might. -Sorry? | 0:17:09 | 0:17:12 | |
You think that taking one for the team | 0:17:12 | 0:17:14 | |
will prove that you're not a Rupert. | 0:17:14 | 0:17:15 | |
But you ARE a Rupert. By definition. | 0:17:15 | 0:17:18 | |
-All officers are Ruperts. -Well, I... | 0:17:18 | 0:17:21 | |
Rupert's my middle name. Really. | 0:17:21 | 0:17:23 | |
Philip Rupert Smith. | 0:17:23 | 0:17:25 | |
-Anyway, you said you were taking full responsibility? -Yes, sir. | 0:17:27 | 0:17:30 | |
Right. You're pan-bashing for a week. | 0:17:30 | 0:17:32 | |
A week of washing-up? | 0:17:32 | 0:17:34 | |
-Fine. -Carry on. | 0:17:34 | 0:17:37 | |
# We three kings of Orient are... # | 0:17:37 | 0:17:41 | |
MUSIC: "Stop The Cavalry" by Jona Lewie | 0:17:41 | 0:17:46 | |
# Hey, Mr Churchill comes over here | 0:17:46 | 0:17:48 | |
# To say we're doing splendidly | 0:17:48 | 0:17:50 | |
# But it's very cold out here in the snow | 0:17:50 | 0:17:53 | |
# Marching to and from the enemy | 0:17:53 | 0:17:55 | |
# Oh, I say it's tough I have had enough | 0:17:55 | 0:17:58 | |
# Can you stop the cavalry? # | 0:17:58 | 0:18:00 | |
No eggs. No bacon. | 0:18:06 | 0:18:09 | |
And I'm down to my last Milky Way. Cheers, Towerblock. | 0:18:09 | 0:18:13 | |
Shit food and misery. | 0:18:13 | 0:18:15 | |
This is just like Christmas back at home. | 0:18:15 | 0:18:17 | |
Well, in my defence...fuck off! | 0:18:17 | 0:18:20 | |
Look what I've got. Square stockings. | 0:18:20 | 0:18:23 | |
-Nice one! -Brilliant! | 0:18:23 | 0:18:25 | |
The one good thing about Christmas on tour. A box of free stuff. | 0:18:25 | 0:18:28 | |
-Skip. -Merry Christmas, everyone. | 0:18:29 | 0:18:31 | |
-Merry Christmas, boss! -Merry Christmas, boss! | 0:18:31 | 0:18:33 | |
Ah, can we just hang fire on the square stockings just for a sec? | 0:18:33 | 0:18:36 | |
Towerblock, a quick word. | 0:18:36 | 0:18:37 | |
So, I spoke to the colonel and I took full personal responsibility | 0:18:41 | 0:18:46 | |
-for the flare incident. -You didn't have to do that. | 0:18:46 | 0:18:48 | |
Yeah, I know, but I'm your officer and I like to look after my team. | 0:18:48 | 0:18:51 | |
Yeah, well, I don't need a Rupert to fight my battles. | 0:18:51 | 0:18:54 | |
-You are kidding me? -Ooh, thank you for helping me, my Lord(!) | 0:18:54 | 0:18:58 | |
It's all us and them with you, isn't it? | 0:18:58 | 0:19:00 | |
Why do you have this huge chip on your shoulder, Towerblock? | 0:19:00 | 0:19:03 | |
Because I WAS brought up in a fucking tower block. | 0:19:03 | 0:19:07 | |
My wife was brought up in a fucking tower block. | 0:19:07 | 0:19:09 | |
And people like us can look after ourselves, all right? | 0:19:09 | 0:19:12 | |
Yeah, well, I chose you for this job, so... | 0:19:12 | 0:19:14 | |
What do you want? A paper hat? You chose me because I was the best. | 0:19:14 | 0:19:18 | |
Yeah? Well, you're hiding it fucking well! | 0:19:18 | 0:19:21 | |
-BIRD CLAPS -Yeah! Huge row on Christmas morning. | 0:19:21 | 0:19:24 | |
This IS like being at home. | 0:19:24 | 0:19:26 | |
All we need now is someone crying in the fucking corner. | 0:19:26 | 0:19:28 | |
Oh! Oh, mine's warm. | 0:19:28 | 0:19:30 | |
Ah! Juggling balls, darts... | 0:19:31 | 0:19:34 | |
Cards... Oh! Oh! | 0:19:34 | 0:19:36 | |
-It's full of shit. -Nah! These are good gizzits! | 0:19:37 | 0:19:39 | |
-No. No, really. It's full of shit. -Ah! That fucking honks! | 0:19:39 | 0:19:42 | |
THEY LAUGH | 0:19:42 | 0:19:45 | |
Here it comes. I've worked so hard for this moment. | 0:19:45 | 0:19:49 | |
A few days ago, that would have enraged me. But you know what? | 0:19:51 | 0:19:56 | |
-I think it's fucking funny! -HE LAUGHS WHEEZILY | 0:19:57 | 0:20:01 | |
HE SNIFFS | 0:20:01 | 0:20:02 | |
No-one can touch me now. Not any more. | 0:20:04 | 0:20:07 | |
This is the first day of the rest of my life! | 0:20:08 | 0:20:11 | |
I give up! | 0:20:12 | 0:20:15 | |
So, Christmas lunch is now ration packs E&G. Morale is in the toilet. | 0:20:15 | 0:20:19 | |
-What am I going to do? -You want goose? | 0:20:19 | 0:20:21 | |
Well, if I did, how am I going to cook it? | 0:20:21 | 0:20:24 | |
Padre? | 0:20:28 | 0:20:30 | |
Walk with me. | 0:20:30 | 0:20:31 | |
Can you really deep-fry a goose? | 0:20:38 | 0:20:39 | |
If you can deep-fry Milky Ways, you can deep-fry a goose. | 0:20:39 | 0:20:43 | |
Sorry to interrupt this... | 0:20:44 | 0:20:46 | |
trip to the burns unit waiting to happen, but we've got a shout on. | 0:20:46 | 0:20:49 | |
Padre. | 0:20:49 | 0:20:50 | |
Put the gas on an hour before. | 0:20:51 | 0:20:53 | |
Oh! And don't test the heat with your fingers. | 0:20:54 | 0:20:57 | |
SHE SIGHS Heh... | 0:20:59 | 0:21:01 | |
Oh! | 0:21:03 | 0:21:04 | |
Thanks, Padre. | 0:21:08 | 0:21:09 | |
I didn't want you to look stupid, so I said it was for me. | 0:21:09 | 0:21:12 | |
Stupid? | 0:21:12 | 0:21:14 | |
Not stupid. | 0:21:14 | 0:21:16 | |
Understandably worried. | 0:21:16 | 0:21:17 | |
# I saw three ships come sailing in | 0:21:24 | 0:21:27 | |
# On Christmas day On Christmas day... # | 0:21:27 | 0:21:31 | |
Skip! You know we've all got guns, right? | 0:21:31 | 0:21:34 | |
OK. It looks like a bog standard pressure plate, so... | 0:21:39 | 0:21:43 | |
-Your man-bag and disruptor. -Oh, my God! | 0:21:43 | 0:21:47 | |
You can't even get it right without being a dick about it. | 0:21:47 | 0:21:49 | |
Boss on the move. | 0:21:53 | 0:21:55 | |
MACHINE-GUN FIRE | 0:22:04 | 0:22:05 | |
Contact left! | 0:22:05 | 0:22:07 | |
Diamond 21, this is Bluestone 42. Contact. Wait out. | 0:22:13 | 0:22:17 | |
Gordon. Get down. | 0:22:30 | 0:22:33 | |
Gordon, get down! | 0:22:33 | 0:22:35 | |
Get down! Get down! | 0:22:35 | 0:22:38 | |
Shit! Bird, Towerblock's been hit. | 0:22:45 | 0:22:47 | |
Shit! | 0:22:50 | 0:22:51 | |
RPG. Didn't function. It's stuck in his body armour. | 0:22:51 | 0:22:54 | |
Gordon! Gordon, are you OK? | 0:22:57 | 0:22:59 | |
OK, Bird. Don't move him. I'm coming back. | 0:22:59 | 0:23:01 | |
OK, Bird. Bird, I'm pinned down. | 0:23:03 | 0:23:05 | |
'You'll have to get his body armour off.' | 0:23:05 | 0:23:07 | |
-Rocket! Go! Go! -Skip! | 0:23:09 | 0:23:11 | |
Got one! | 0:23:15 | 0:23:17 | |
And another! | 0:23:17 | 0:23:18 | |
It really is Christmas! | 0:23:18 | 0:23:19 | |
'Cut his body armour off.' | 0:23:22 | 0:23:24 | |
The quick release is fucked, boss. | 0:23:24 | 0:23:27 | |
Gordon! | 0:23:27 | 0:23:28 | |
-What the fuck? -Don't! | 0:23:28 | 0:23:30 | |
It's a fucking RPG! | 0:23:30 | 0:23:32 | |
Shit! Shit! | 0:23:32 | 0:23:33 | |
'Gordon? Listen.' | 0:23:33 | 0:23:35 | |
You've been hit by a RPG. | 0:23:35 | 0:23:37 | |
Yeah, I can fucking see that! | 0:23:37 | 0:23:38 | |
Just stay fucking still. Bird's going to cut your body armour off. | 0:23:38 | 0:23:41 | |
-OK! OK! OK! -'Bird...' | 0:23:41 | 0:23:44 | |
Slowly. Minimum movement. | 0:23:44 | 0:23:46 | |
Shears! EOD shears! | 0:23:51 | 0:23:54 | |
-You what? -Towerblock, you are a fucking genius. Bird... | 0:23:54 | 0:23:57 | |
-Big fucking scissors. In the suit kit. -On it. | 0:23:57 | 0:23:59 | |
Oh, fuck! | 0:24:13 | 0:24:15 | |
OK! | 0:24:15 | 0:24:17 | |
Now place it carefully on the ground and get clear. | 0:24:17 | 0:24:20 | |
'Bird.' | 0:24:20 | 0:24:21 | |
When you've cut it off, | 0:24:21 | 0:24:23 | |
place it really carefully on the ground and stand clear. | 0:24:23 | 0:24:25 | |
'Roger that, boss.' | 0:24:25 | 0:24:27 | |
Hold! Hold! | 0:24:41 | 0:24:43 | |
-We're clear! -Sounds like we're clear. | 0:24:45 | 0:24:47 | |
Rocket, get him into his body armour. | 0:24:52 | 0:24:54 | |
Are you OK? | 0:24:58 | 0:24:59 | |
If that thing had gone off, man... | 0:25:01 | 0:25:03 | |
Yeah, do you get it now, Towerblock? | 0:25:03 | 0:25:05 | |
It's not us and them. | 0:25:06 | 0:25:08 | |
It's us... | 0:25:08 | 0:25:09 | |
..and them. | 0:25:11 | 0:25:12 | |
OK, Bluestone 42. | 0:25:14 | 0:25:16 | |
Item number one on the agenda - let's render safe that RPG. | 0:25:16 | 0:25:20 | |
Item number two - we'll render safe the IED. | 0:25:20 | 0:25:23 | |
Any other business? | 0:25:25 | 0:25:27 | |
Fuck off home and deep-fry a goose? | 0:25:27 | 0:25:29 | |
Excellent. Although not for us. | 0:25:29 | 0:25:32 | |
Or for the goose. | 0:25:32 | 0:25:33 | |
Crack on. | 0:25:35 | 0:25:37 | |
-If it doesn't work, we've still got the sprouts. -Oh, aye! | 0:25:50 | 0:25:53 | |
No! | 0:25:55 | 0:25:57 | |
Too late. | 0:25:57 | 0:25:58 | |
-We should take out the roast. -Aye? | 0:25:59 | 0:26:01 | |
What with? | 0:26:01 | 0:26:03 | |
Oh! | 0:26:03 | 0:26:04 | |
I've got it! | 0:26:09 | 0:26:11 | |
So, boet, does this hurt? | 0:26:11 | 0:26:13 | |
HE GROANS | 0:26:13 | 0:26:15 | |
Course it fucking hurts! | 0:26:15 | 0:26:18 | |
Yeah, I thought it would. | 0:26:18 | 0:26:20 | |
Towerblock? You're up. | 0:26:20 | 0:26:21 | |
THEY CHEER | 0:26:38 | 0:26:40 | |
-Nice one, Towerblock. Finally found a use for the gantry. -Right! | 0:26:43 | 0:26:47 | |
And, boss, look, thanks for copping it for the flare. | 0:26:48 | 0:26:52 | |
No problem. | 0:26:52 | 0:26:53 | |
Yeah! | 0:26:58 | 0:26:59 | |
Really great shit. | 0:27:01 | 0:27:03 | |
Personal best. | 0:27:03 | 0:27:05 | |
-Pregnant? -Nope. | 0:27:09 | 0:27:10 | |
Bluestone 42? Table for six just here. | 0:27:15 | 0:27:20 | |
-Thank you. -Happy Christmas. | 0:27:20 | 0:27:21 | |
Attention, please. Brigade HQ have sent an urgent message. | 0:27:22 | 0:27:26 | |
"Happy Christmas." | 0:27:29 | 0:27:30 | |
Carry on. | 0:27:32 | 0:27:34 | |
Well, this looks edible. | 0:27:34 | 0:27:36 | |
Technically. | 0:27:38 | 0:27:40 | |
Right, team, a toast. To Bluestone 42 and our new member. | 0:27:40 | 0:27:43 | |
To us. | 0:27:43 | 0:27:45 | |
-ALL: -To us. | 0:27:45 | 0:27:46 | |
Fucking hell! | 0:27:46 | 0:27:48 | |
Charlotte got married. Some Army... captain she met at...Tiger Tiger. | 0:27:49 | 0:27:56 | |
Captain Parfitt. | 0:27:56 | 0:27:58 | |
Oh, Parfo! I went to Sandhurst with him. Top man. | 0:27:58 | 0:28:01 | |
That was a bit Ruperty, wasn't it? | 0:28:03 | 0:28:05 | |
HE MOUTHS | 0:28:05 | 0:28:06 | |
Someone crying in the corner. Yay! It's finally Christmas. | 0:28:09 | 0:28:12 | |
We've got something to cheer you up. | 0:28:12 | 0:28:13 | |
It's your pillow. | 0:28:14 | 0:28:16 | |
We deep-fried it. | 0:28:16 | 0:28:18 | |
Aye. Crispy on the outside, fluffy on the inside! | 0:28:18 | 0:28:21 | |
It's like sleeping on a doughnut. | 0:28:22 | 0:28:24 | |
Not funny, guys. | 0:28:25 | 0:28:26 | |
Not FUCKING funny! | 0:28:28 | 0:28:30 | |
Yes! The old Simon is back! | 0:28:30 | 0:28:32 | |
Oi! | 0:28:34 | 0:28:35 | |
Food fight! | 0:28:37 | 0:28:39 | |
Well done, Padre. Morale raised. | 0:28:48 | 0:28:51 | |
This isn't quite what I had in mind, but... | 0:28:51 | 0:28:54 | |
..fuck it, it'll do. | 0:28:55 | 0:28:56 | |
-Quite. -Carry on. | 0:28:56 | 0:28:58 |