Episode 1 Brian Pern: A Life in Rock

I am Alan Yentob. This programme is not about me, sadly,

but about another formidable individual who has made

a staggering impact within the artistic world he inhabits.

Brian Pern is one of the most influential rock stars

of his generation.

For almost 40 years he has been entertaining millions

around the world both as lead singer of progressive rock group Thotch

and as a solo artist.

A true pioneer, Brian was the first person to use plasticine in videos.

He invented world music.

DRUMMING AND SCREAMING

And was the first rock star

to have his own computer game on the ZX Spectrum.

But in an ever-changing world of illegal downloads

and manufactured pop bands, how does an artist like Brian Pern

stay relevant?

In this three part series the notoriously private

and reclusive Brian Pern has allowed the multi-award winning

documentary maker Rhys Thomas OBE unlimited access into his life

and work.

This is not just an insight into the life of Brian Pern,

but the music industry itself.

This is Brian Pern: A Life In Rock.

This programme contains strong language.

No matter what you think of Brian Pern, he is a pioneer.

Brian Pern is one of those artists

who has genuinely changed the face of music.

I think he'll be best remembered,

Brian, as someone who's worked with plasticine and for his world music.

We've had our differences over the years, but you can't deny

the fact that Brian was once the greatest front man in Thotch.

He's one of those rock stars who really does care, even though

sometimes his music's a bit...shit.

In 1977, Brian Pern bought a disused abattoir

and turned it into a state-of-the-art recording studio

here in Surrey.

BRIAN CHANTS

I love to come down here. It's very bucolic, rustic. It's great.

A lot of people come here and make music.

This is the business book we have here.

A lot of people come here and they sign.

"Great condom machine." Bryan Ferry.

"Great!" Adele. One word. "Can you see what it is yet?

"Have a great summer." Rolf Harris. Oh.

That better go.

Oh, that's a shame. From Kasabian.

One of the great things about Poggle Sound Studios

is I have musicians from all over the world coming here to record.

I'm here with Mr Ali Qu'ack.

Ali is the only bone flute player left in the world.

TOOTING

Although we don't speak the same language, we speak music.

SLOWLY: Ali, how long have you been playing the bone flute?

HE SPEAKS FARSI

OK.

OPERATIC WARBLING

One of Brian's discoveries is the Pepita Sanchez, Mexico's answer

to Kate Bush, who he discovered busking in Acapulco in 1997

and signed to his World Music record label.

SHRIEKING

-EXAGGERATED SPANISH ACCENT:

-Brian is helping me record my album,

but in return I have to do him a few other jobs around the studio and the house.

SHE CHOKES

Those bits, they won't go.

Ugh!

Doing the cooking...

Looking after any papers that arrive...

You have very important post.

A lady from Hull, she send you her downstairs hair.

These are the pubic envelopes.

Um...

..that's it.

Although Thotch split in 1977, the name,

like the Beatles, Led Zeppelin and Then Jericho still lives on.

But without new material or the ability to tour,

how do bands continue to sell their brand?

I went to ask their manager, John Farrow.

Well, David Cameron can fuck right off.

No, I will not get Theresa May and him comps for Mungo Jerry at the Cambridge Corn Exchange.

Mungo needs all the help he can get, Dave is worth 35 million.

He can pay for his own fucking tickets. Jesus Christ!

These people try it on.

As well as Brian and Thotch, his other clients include

Elton John, Level 42, Erasure,

Youssou Noel'Dour and Bananarama.

Some artists team up with an annoying bunch of French clowns

and put on massive shows in Las Vegas.

Cirque du Soleil teamed up with

the Beatles, Michael Jackson, Mike Batt...

# Remember remember remember what a Womble Womble Womble you are. #

The really lazy ones give the B-sides and the stuff at the bottom of the barrel to

a couple of middle-aged twats in helmets who attempt to

turn them into hits, but ultimately remix them into Europop bollocks.

# ROBOTIC: Golden brown... #

I, or rather we, Thotch, that is, have gone for the riskiest,

though perhaps ultimately the most financially rewarding option -

the jukebox musical.

Fucking jukebox musicals! They've killed musical theatre.

The upshot is they get heterosexuals and the working classes

going to the theatre, which is a good thing, I suppose.

But the amount of Pringles these peasants consume

during the performances is astonishing.

Theatres these days reek of sour cream and chives.

We've all spent years crafting lyrics and melody,

breaking barriers, doing things that have never been done before,

and then some poxy comedian comes along with a greatest hits album

that he found in the glove compartment of his car

and he thinks he can turn it into a hit musical!

It really fucks me off and it never works.

Apart from the ones that did, like We Will Rock You, Buddy,

Mamma Mia, Jersey Boys and several others...

With much persuasion, John has managed to assemble the original

members of Thotch to discuss their jukebox musical, Stowe Boys.

This is the first time they've all been in the same room for 35 years.

Thotch are a difficult bunch to deal with.

After 35 years has taken its toll on me.

It's thanks to them I've got three ex-wives, two stents

and half a fucking eardrum.

They're all very different people with one thing in common -

they're all fucking impossible.

You've got Brian, who was always the head of Thotch, as it were.

Pat, who was the heart, passionate, instinctive.

You've got Tony, who was the balls of the band.

And the prick.

Whereas John and Mike were the toes -

I mean, chop them off and Thotch

would carry on with a bit of a limp but not enough for anyone to notice.

I hear you have a tour plan.

Um, yeah. Um...

-Australia, Japan, North America.

-Ah.

-Hm.

-Concert halls?

-Stadia.

Oh.

-What about you? You're rehearsing too.

-Me?

-Hm.

Er, yes, I'm at the O2 next week.

Oh, Greenwich Arena?

Westfield Shopping Centre.

I've composed some new ringtones for the Nokia Lumia 625.

We're performing them for the first time live in the store.

I've got some here.

This is Traditional Bell.

TINNY JANGLING

Titanium Flake Modo One.

MONOTONOUS PLONKING TONE

And this is Shit Storm.

THRASHING ROCK GUITAR

Fucking Brian called.

-He's very sorry but he can't make it today.

-Typical.

I knew he wouldn't bother to turn up. What's he doing?

Tea-bagging Angela Merkel or something? Christ!

He says he stuck overseas doing some work for the United Nations.

-But it's all right, I've got him on this. Hello, Brian.

-'Yes?'

Can you hear us?

'I can hear you, John, yes.'

Right, thanks for coming. What did you think of the new draft?

'Well, I thought the first part was great

'but I must admit I lost interest after I left.'

Oh, yeah.

PAT: I thought it was a complete fabrication of the truth.

Brian is depicted as this wonderful free-spirited artist who

dominates the group and we're nothing more than cardboard cut-outs

who had little to do with the band's success at all!

I hated it.

It made me out to be some vain musical novice only

interested in flange.

John and Mike don't have any lines, do you?

'Well, I thought it was an accurate

'depiction of their contribution to Thotch pre-1977.'

PAT: It's very stuffy in here.

'Basically, the band was me at that stage.

'I was the driving force.'

PAT LAUGHS

HE YAWNS OSTENTATIOUSLY

HIS VOICE ECHOES: Well, I'm really tired here.

It's about three in the morning and I've got terrible jet lag.

So I'll probably be turning in now and having a sleep. So good night.

Ohhh...

It was interesting when we were following you the other day

when you had your first meeting with the rest of the group.

You pretended to be on the phone from somewhere else. Why did you do that?

But that's not going to be in the film, is it?

-No, that won't be in the film, no.

-OK.

Tell us about the break-up of Thotch and how hard was that for you?

It was pretty hard, but in some ways it was a good thing.

I think we'd come to the end of our natural life as a band.

I had a lot of ideas that I wanted to put into practice.

The other members of Thotch felt they were marginalised and they said

they wanted more input and we argued and I said, "OK, that's it, I'll go."

Brian didn't leave the band, he quit the band and there's a big difference.

Leaving requires dignity and integrity.

Quitting is a coward's way out

and Brian chose the coward's way out and Brian bloody well quit.

HE PLAYS A ROCK RIFF

He was a coward.

You were best friends.

I mean, you were the two friends at school who were in separable.

Yeah, we were friends.

But is it like losing a brother in a weird way?

No.

The actor playing Brian Pern has asked to meet him for research.

-Hello.

-Hi. Thanks for seeing me, Brian.

The reason I wanted to meet up is because when I'm playing a real person

I like to get myself under their skin,

get to know how they live and breathe.

I want to do you justice.

-Understood.

-So a couple things.

Do you have any tics?

No.

-Any speech impediments or disabilities I can latch onto?

-No.

Do you suffer from depression?

No. Any tragedy in your life that haunts you?

No.

Ah, were you beaten as a child or buggered at boarding school?

No.

Shame.

Not a lot to go on there, really.

Lovely, thanks.

Wow! I could use that.

That's really good.

-That whole...

-HE GRUNTS

-..eating like a pig.

I'm hungry.

HE SLURPS

Ahhhh.

-HE SLURPS

-Ahhh...

THEY URINATE

Aha, you aim for the soap cube. That's interesting.

And you shake...twice. Yeah, I can use that.

Oh, come on!

Come on!

Stowe Boys producer Cameron Mackintosh has chosen actress

and director Kathy Burke to direct her first jukebox musical.

No, I've never done a jukebox musical before.

I usually do experimental stuff - low-budget, hard-hitting.

Because to be quite honest,

I think jukebox musicals are usually a bit shit, you know.

Some of them.

Well, most of them, really.

But I just thought this would be a bit different.

She can't direct something like this!

She's working fucking class, that's why. I told you to get Terry Nunn.

Well, what's she going to know about four blokes from Stowe and chord structure?

God Almighty, it takes your breath away. Jesus!

I think she's a good choice.

I think she's a good choice to direct some kitchen sink

fucking Cockney jellied eel fucking tragedy

Upstairs at the Royal fucking Court, but this is a different league.

Kathy!

Yes, great to have you on board.

HE SPLUTTERS

(Don't fucking "darling" me, old love!)

Sorry, missed that.

-The actor playing me.

-What about him?

-Well, he's Japanese.

No, he's Chinese, actually, Pat.

-I'm not.

-Look, we need a bit of ethnic diversity, right?

Otherwise is just four middle-class white men and who wants that?

I don't.

Were you ever a fan of Thotch?

SHE LAUGHS No. No, I thought they were crap.

-So why are you doing it?

-Well, the money.

So the programmes have come in. Happy?

-Has this been approved by Brian and Tony?

-Yeah.

-Well, I don't like it.

-Why?

There are six group shots of us and then there are two singles of me,

Mike, Tony, one of John and four of Brian!

-And?

-I think we should all have an equal number of single shots.

Right.

Apart from John and Mike.

The part of Tony Pebble is played by comedian

and actor Jack Whitehall in his West End musical debut.

Tony is kind of a bimbo. Let's get it right.

He's not a man who has any intellectual curiosity.

He is a man who's interested in notches on a bedpost.

So this is the groupie scene.

Jack, you come in and then Angie and Sam will pull down your flares,

we will fade the lights down,

but we'll finish on a nice spot on your face

as you're spilling the beans.

Right. Sort of, like...

HE GROANS

-Oh, it's lovely.

-Wait, hang on a second.

Wa-a-ait a minute.

A couple of things.

First of all, my groupies, they were a lot more attractive than those two

and considerably younger.

If you could get another couple of birds, that would be great.

And the other thing, Jack,

your squirt face?

It was nothing like me. Mine was like this.

OK?

Never let anyone know what's going on in here.

Mysterious, like this.

Even when you're done, not even a sound, not a squeak, just...

Nothing.

OK, you have a go.

Yeah, yeah, that'll do. Sorry to bother you. Carry on.

Thanks, Tone.

Fucking hell, just do what you want.

I don't...fucking...

I don't like my hair in this one.

And this one makes it look like I've got a double chin.

-Can we change those?

-Right.

-OK.

And my ex-wife took this picture,

which means she gets the royalties,

which means she gets expensive avocados delivered by Ocado.

I don't want that.

-Fine.

-Does Brian like it?

-Yep.

-I hate it.

With the opening night looming,

Brian is heading to the theatre to watch the dress run of Stowe Boys

for the very first time.

Ned's been with me for some time and he's been a jolly good driver,

but he's lost his licence

and has two kids, one of whom is not the full ticket,

and I don't think it's fair that he should lose his weekly pay,

so I'm driving.

Do you like Fred Basset?

He's fucking funny.

He's a dog

and he's a dog that thinks and you can see what he thinks.

He's funny.

Can I have a piss?

Oh, where the gosh, darn, heck is Brian?!

Yeah, he's always late. I can't take this any more!

Guys, I am leaving the group.

-What?

-I have a unique vision which cannot be stifled.

I feel the need to go solo.

-You've got to be joking!

-Hey!

We're in the middle of a tour, Brian!

And we've got an album to deliver!

I am going to kill you!

No, no, no, stop this, it's ridiculous.

-KATHY:

-Brian, what are you doing?

We're in the middle of a run-through here.

There was never any violence in Thotch.

I would never throw a banana at someone.

- You, the singer, what's your name? - Martin.

Yes, he was playing me.

When you're performing, you're too wired, edgy, almost punk.

- Well... - You need to be more free.

When I was performing, I used to stare out into the vortex.

I was watching over the underplanet.

Have you not seen any of my DVDs?

I have and I haven't.

What does that mean?

Well, no, I have seen some DVDs, yeah.

OK, actually not the covers?

- You've watched the DVDs? - I've watched the DVDs,

and I thought, to be fair, I was giving a good shot, sorry.

-Well, you think so?

-I think it's great.

Can we just get on with it, please now, Brian?

And also, are you going to shave your beard off?

- I can't shave the beard. - Why?

Because I'm doing a film at the moment.

Right.

It's a BBC Four thing, it's a biopic.

About?

About Chas 'n' Dave, if you must know.

- Which one are you playing? - I'm playing both.

I mean, I really resent this circumference.

Do the others like it?

No.

I quite like it.

Lovely circumference.

I don't like this at all.

-What does Brian think?

-Hates it.

Actually...

I think it's quite amusing.

With just a day to go before previews,

tempers are fraught inside the theatre.

Don't you people understand this is a dress rehearsal?

Right?

This is my stage, my space, and you people have no place here, right?

Kathy, this is our life and you're turning it into a lie.

There's a scene in act two where Mike dies

from a sexually transmitted disease.

So?

Mike's never had a sexually transmitted disease

and he's not dead!

This is the problem, cos when I got the script

it was just boring, right?

Your lives are boring, so I just needed to give it a bit of zhuzh.

-Zhuzh?

-What is zhuzh?

-Zhuzh, you know?

Oomph, I had to oomph it up a bit, right?

When people come and see a show about fucking rock'n'roll,

that's what they want.

They want sex, drugs, scandal and death,

and that's why I gave Mike an STD and killed him.

Yes, but the thing that makes Thotch unique

is that we weren't like any other band.

Listen, Brian, Pat...

Fuck off!

'On the opening night, the plan is, for the first time,

you're going to come in together and be on stage together for the encore.

I get the impression that you're not really going to end up doing that.

I think we will. I think we're all thawing a little.

Let's face it, it's kind of childish,

the way we treat each other.

Nevertheless,

it's not my fault.

It's theirs.

Finally, it's the opening night of Stowe Boys, The Musical,

and the curtain goes up in 45 minutes.

We're going to be late, Brian. We've got to go.

I realise that but, Peter, will you please hurry?

-APPROACHING:

-Coming, Brian.

OK, I'm ready. Come, come. Come, come. Let's go, let's go.

Oh, God. What are you wearing?

-KNOCKING

-You don't like it?

-We're going to the theatre.

-It is not tight enough?

Look, would you mind walking around six or seven paces behind me

because we don't want the press to think...

Ai! Not this again!

-Metropolitan police.

-Why can I not stand shoulder to shoulder with you?

-Mr Brian Pern?

-Yes.

-I'm DC Mike Northwood, this is DC Bovis.

We have a warrant to search this premises.

-You're joking?

-You OK with the filming, by the way?

These are Channel 5, they're doing a documentary on Operation Bad Apples.

Bad apples?

No, you misunderstand the situation. My name is Brian Pern.

Yes? Tonight, I'm opening a musical. Tonight, in the West End.

That's as may be, sir, I'm afraid you won't be able to attend

because you need to come to the station with us.

Call John Farrow. Ned! Call John Farrow. Now.

Hello?

Oh, Jesus Christ.

-What have you done?

-I have not done anything. I don't understand this.

-Are you one of those?

-One of whats?

Get your husband an overnight bag, any medications he might need,

toothpaste, floss, wet wipes...

I'm not her husband.

But, look, what is the charge? I don't understand.

I'm afraid I'm not at liberty to divulge that at this stage, sir.

-That's why you need to come to the station.

-Brian, don't say a word.

Keep it shtoom. You say two words to these fuckers and they'll have you.

Wait for your brief, yeah?

-Brian's been arrested.

-What? What for?

Fucking good question.

They've taken his hard drives and computers.

-Well, that's it. We're finished aren't we?

-Fuck.

Surely not Brian, I mean, Tony, it wouldn't surprise me, but Brian?

That's it. We're finished. They won't play our music any more.

Our CDs will be taken off the shelves.

Our musical, fuck!

Our musical! What are going to do?

Don't panic, don't panic.

You go to the theatre, do nothing. I'll go and sort it out.

It's a fucking witch hunt.

Anything you want to tell me, Tony?

-I brought your shoes.

-He won't need spare shoes.

But he has terrible corns.

And also your favourite wipes. They ones that don't give you the rash.

Yes, can I just stop you there, ma'am.

Are they bum wipes or facial wipes?

Because unfortunately, you can't flush the facials

down the toilets in the nick because it blocks the pipes.

We had a fatberg recently.

They are flushable Huggies.

Oh, well, that's all right, then, isn't it?

-Is that all right?

-Yeah, it is all right. Flushable Huggies, oh, yeah.

What is a fatberg?

Well, fatberg, it's a...

Fat, you see, at the takeaway restaurants, they...

-They tip it down the sink.

-They tip it down the sink.

They fail to let it solidify, so what happens is, like, you get...

-Build-up.

-Build-up, yeah, it's like a build-up,

it's like a build-up and they become... bergs, you know?

Fatbergs.

-Why are we talking about fat?

-I feel sick.

Off you go, lads. Come on. Good luck, good luck, good luck.

We would like to confirm that Bad Apple officers have arrested

a 62-year-old man in relation to crimes

which cannot be divulged for reasons of national security.

-Hey, guys. I don't know what to do about my parents.

-What's happened?

They say if we don't get a record deal soon,

they'll give us £10,000 to record an album ourselves.

We don't even have to pay them back.

That sucks, man.

If only our parents weren't so supportive.

How terrible it is to be posh and privileged.

-Brian.

-John.

-What have you done?

-I don't know.

They've confiscated all my instruments.

Years of music and ideas.

Unheard demos, DATs, rough mixes, 12 inch mixes...

Brian, what have you done? Please tell me.

It doesn't matter how weird, I can take it.

Nuns, newts, flatulence, biscuits, I don't care what it is, just tell me.

-Brian Cornelius Pern?

-Yes.

Is this about the poll tax EP I released with The Levellers in 1990?

I realise I made some damning comments about the constabulary.

No, it's much more serious than that, sir.

You are suspected of harbouring a known criminal

and felon known as Ali Qu'ack.

What?

Jesus Christ. Is that it? You're arresting him for that?

What do you mean, "Is that it?" It's a very serious crime, sir.

You're making a terrible mistake.

Ali Qu'ack is one of the greatest musicians in the world.

Not according to the Foreign Office, sir.

He's a convicted kidnapper, forger and human trafficker.

This is one of your peasant bloody flute players, isn't it?

Terrible news.

-What is going to happen to me?

-Nothing. They're letting you go.

You come to my client's home and arrest him with some spurious guff

about a fucking Iranian camel rustler, where's the proof?

Hang on a minute, who are you?

I'm your worst nightmare. Where's the proof?

We've got payments from his account.

Yes, from a session recording, you plum.

You can't vet every musician who records at his studio,

it's like arresting Fred West's landlord, for fuck's sake.

You're going to release him now, and you're going to make a full apology

on the news tonight, or I'm on the phone to Theresa May

and you're directing traffic in Norwich on Monday morning.

-Have you got that?

-Yeah, right.

-Yeah, right.

It's me. Do Dave and Theresa still want comps for Mungo Jerry?

-That was amazing.

-Shall we go and get a pint?

-Yes. What is a pint?

Brian! You are OK! You are not in Wormwood Scrubs.

No, it was a false alarm. How are the house band, Ned?.

I don't know, there haven't been any songs yet.

What do you mean no songs? it's the interval.

-I know, it was like watching a play or something.

-Yes.

-What?

-No songs.

-What's happened to all my songs?

-Er, we cut all the songs, Brian.

You cut all the songs in the first half?

No, we've cut all the songs from the entire show, Brian.

-What?

-It was a unanimous decision, wasn't it? The songs are too long.

It was slowing up the story.

But it's a jukebox musical.

It's a jukebox musical but without the music.

-See, that's never been done before.

-It's clever.

But the fans want to hear Thotch music.

No, but this isn't about the fans, Brian.

This is about enticing in new audiences,

and they don't want to sit through 43 minute numbers about frogs

and crows and fairies and shit.

Have you spoken to Pat and Tony about this?

Right, Pat, so, what's going on is that

the musical's running a bit too long

so we're thinking about taking the music out of the musical.

That's a terrible idea.

-Have you told Brian about it?

-No, no. Can't get hold of him.

Well...

Well, he'll hate it, I'm sure.

Actually, erm...

I think you might be on to something here.

Yeah.

-Yeah, yeah. They're fine with it.

-Well, I am not!

The show will not go on.

What? There's a full house out there.

This is my band, my songs, my vision and my investment.

Unless you're prepared to go out there and sing those songs,

you will remain here.

Listen, it may be your music, mate,

but this is my show and this is my cast.

-I mean it.

-Yeah, well, so do I.

-OVER TANNOY:

-..beginners to stage, please.

-The show will not go on.

-Open the door, Brian! Don't be a dick!

-No.

How are we supposed to get out?

-Work it out for yourself, Sherlock.

-I don't fucking play Sherlock.

I don't care. I don't watch the programme anyway. I prefer Bergerac.