Episode 3 Brian Pern: A Life in Rock

Brian Pern is one of the most influential rock stars

of his generation. For almost 40 years,

he's been entertaining millions round the world.

Both as lead singer of the progressive rock group Thotch

and as a solo artist.

This Christmas, Brian is due to release

his first album of new material in 12 years

and he's allowed the multi-award-winning documentary maker Rhys Thomas OBE

unlimited access to his life in front and behind the microphone.

This is Brian Pern: A Life In Rock.

This programme contains strong language.

Sorry to keep you waiting. Paul McCartney overran.

-Hiya.

-Hi.

He's so fit, you know,

72 years old. There's not an ounce of fat on him.

Hasn't had any work done, you know?

Nothing, it's all natural.

-Thought about having surgery, Brian?

-Definitely not.

Hmm. Shame.

Right, what can I help you with?

Well, Jess, I've just returned from recording

with the indigenous Finnish Ugric people.

-They are a fascinating tribe...

-Mm...

-..whose habitat is at risk due to global warming.

-Mm...

While I was there, they told me of the plight of the polar bears

who share their terrain.

They're becoming depressed. They are, in fact, bipolar.

Bipolar polar bears?

SHE LAUGHS

Sorry, I shouldn't laugh. Sorry. Straight face. Go on.

It's quite sad. They're committing suicide

by hurling themselves at icebergs like giant white lemmings.

SHE LAUGHS

Straight face.

Brian wants to record a charity album

to raise awareness and money for the bears

and we wondered if you'd be willing to donate

all the companies proceeds too.

-No.

-What?

-Sorry, Brian,

but I can't even sell albums at the moment,

never mind give them away.

How about you take 5% and the bears get the rest?

-90.

-Come on, 20?

-80.

-30?

-60.

-40?

-35, final offer.

-All right. Done.

-Yeah, make it commercial, all right?

None of this world music bongo bollocks.

With blind Mongolian throat warblers and rat whistlers.

You know, I need star duets.

Rihanna, Tinie Tempah, One Direction,

Paloma Faith, Daft Punk.

And a Christmas theme.

-Oh, God, why?

-Because Christmas albums sell, Brian.

You know, it'll really appeal to a Christian market.

It's too spicy.

Mud, Shakin' Stevens, Boney M - all retired on the royalties

from their Christmas songs, thank God. You write a decent song,

sell a million, the bears are still getting 65%

and that's a fuck load of glacier mints.

But it's only four months till Christmas.

-How am I going to write an album in that time?

-Do some covers.

Pick your favourites, do your own interpretation. You get recording, I'll get the artists.

This is Ken Le Grange.

Ken has made more Christmas hit records

than any producer in the world.

In fact, 29 out of the 30 songs on

Now That's What I Call Christmas 2014 are his.

I was the go-to guy for all the Christmas songs.

After I did Merry Christmas Everybody

and I Wish It Could Be Christmas, that was it.

We never went hungry in the Le Grange household at Christmas.

Ken was the main man, really.

He was responsible for doing the till

at the beginning of I Wish It Could Be Christmas.

Here it is.

TILL RINGS

TUNE PLAYS

I played it and he thought it was brilliant.

He's just got a knack of

putting bells in the right place on the track.

All the other groups wanted it as well.

You know, it became fashionable and...

here it is in Money, by Floyd.

TILL RINGS

TUNE PLAYS

Are You Being Served?

TILL RINGS

TUNE PLAYS

And Anarchy In The UK.

TILL RINGS

TUNE PLAYS

My till is the most sampled till

in the history of rock music.

-It's wonderful, isn't it?

-TILL RINGS

Interestingly enough, the first Christmas number six

was the first song that had a Christmas theme to it.

It was recorded by Lionel Pern

and called The Christmas Gravy Boat.

# It's Christmas time

# It's Christmas time. #

Lionel was, of course,

the uncle of Brian Pern

who would go on to front Thotch.

He invented something called world music,

which, to be honest with you, I never quite understood.

# I sail the gravy boat across to you

# Thank you

# Carrots, peas and roast potatoes too

# Sailing on a sea of meaty brown

# The gravy boat has come to town

# Rum-pum-pum

# Ruppa-pum-pum. #

Merry Christmas, everybody.

OK, John, so I thought we'd have

Merry Christmas War Is Over to open the album.

-Who do you want to sing it with?

-His sons, Sean and Julian.

Maybe even Yoko.

Are we issuing sick bags with this album?

No, I thought it would be a touching tribute.

Forget his sons singing, it'll be all about them and not you. Do you want that?

-Who else is there?

-I've got the very bloke.

Great musician, big star, fantastic voice.

He's perfect.

Brian? Brian?

Brian? Hello, it's me.

-Hello?

-I've come to do your...

Hello. Can I help you?

It's me, I've come to help you with your charity record.

I was told that you wanted somebody famous.

So, Brian, what's this charity actually for?

It's for bipolar polar bears.

HE LAUGHS

-Good.

-Yeah.

TILL RINGS

OK, Rick, we're going to do

-Merry Christmas War Is Over, John Lennon.

-Oh, I love that.

-I love it.

-Yeah, it's a good song.

And I want to keep that mood very Christmassy but a bit sad.

-Melancholy, that's the word.

-Yeah, I think I know what you mean...

HE PLAYS STATUS QUO RIFF

I think that's probably...

That's fine for Quo, but not what I want to...

I don't want that sound. If you play something more pastoral.

Well, pastoral? I like that.

I know what you mean but I can't sort of play that, really,

because I sort of, you know...

HE PLAYS STATUS QUO RIFF

This is what I do, you know?

You sort of got the wrong bloke, really, haven't you?

RHYS: This is not the first time Brian has recorded a Christmas song.

In December 1975, Thotch released Black Christmas.

Thotch were £1,000 in debt to the record company

when I took them on in '75, which in today's money...

..is well over £1,000, so I said, "Get in the studio,

"cut a Christmas song and we'll make a million." Which is what we did.

Apart from the make a million bit...

..which took a little bit longer.

# Christmas comes but once a year

# All the people raise good cheer

# Eat your turkey, scratch your leg

# Pray to Santa but don't you beg. #

That video Brian wanted his Black Santa outfit.

This is it. I made this.

It's all right, I took it down Sketchley's.

At the time, I didn't tell him what it was made of,

cos, you know, he's an animal lover, but this is seal skin and mink.

I felt a bit like Cruella da Vinci, you know?

This white here, that's arctic fox.

Shhhh. It was the '70s.

# Christmas, Christmas, crucified. #

I remember getting a copy of

Black Christmas by Thotch. I hated it.

Thotch were the musical equivalent of Marmite.

You either loved them or you hated them.

RHYS: What about you?

Love Marmite, hated Thotch.

But then I turned it over and I heard the B-side

and it was so much better.

It was called Dulci Yuletide,

so I made it my record of the week.

We'd literally forgotten to write a B-side

so I came up with that in just a couple of hours.

Just me and the Moog, you know. Bloody marvellous.

And we had to go on Top Of The Pops for that one.

Was our first time.

Of course, the rest of them hated it as they weren't even on the track,

yet they had to mime to it.

HE LAUGHS

There was no guitar on that track.

There was no bass pedal solo on that track.

There were no vocals on that track

and there we all were miming

with instruments that aren't on track

to a song we didn't even play on.

I mean, I didn't go to public school to mime to a bloody song

on Top Of The bloody Pops.

Top Of The Pops was a dire experience, really.

It was an appalling thing to have to go through.

They'd herd 17 teenagers around an empty barn

whilst sort of various pop stars came on

and teetered around in massive heels

whilst pretending to sing their latest dire hit.

It was a very popular show.

That song was the bestselling Thotch song ever.

HE LAUGHS

That really hacked the fuckers off, I can tell you.

It would have been number one had it not been for

Bohemian fucking Rhapsody.

Oh, well. Bad timing.

# Christmas comes but once a year

# All the people raise good cheer... #

RHYS: For his Christmas charity album,

Brian has decided to record a jolly version of Black Christmas.

Roy Wood has come along for a listen.

# Christmas is here! #

What do you think?

Yeah, it's good, I really like it, you know,

but it's definitely short on a couple of things.

One, it needs a till at the beginning.

-And what else?

-Definitely needs a kids choir at the end

to lift the spirits, get the grannies buying the record.

It's quarter past ten at night, Roy.

-Where are you going to get one of them?

-No worries!

I've got one in the van.

-What's this charity for again?

-It's for bipolar polar bears.

HE CHUCKLES

OK, you lot, take it!

# Christmas was here. #

TILL RINGS

OK, well done everybody. Back in the van now.

Can we go to McDonald's?

You'll have to give me some petrol money.

TRUMPET PLAYS

In 1983,

Brian had a surprise Christmas hit completely by mistake.

Christmas songs are generally quite naff.

But Brian Pern's I Wish I Was At Home With My Missus,

you know, it's a great Christmas record.

It really tugs at the heartstrings

and particularly in conjunction with that video.

# It's -10 in No Man's Land

# I've got trench foot and I haven't got a hand

# But I don't care because it's Christmas

# We don't care because it's Christmas

IN GERMAN: # Es ist minus zehn im Niemandsland. #

I've always been fascinated by the First World War, um,

mainly because neither of my grandfathers died in it

and that kind of made me a bit angry,

so I thought I'd write a song about it.

# So put down your guns

# Shove on your shorts

# Put out your smokes

# Have a glass of port

# And let's all have a game of football

# Let's all have a game of football. #

I would say three.

-Three for you?

-Yes.

-Would you dance to it?

No, I wouldn't because there's no melody,

it didn't get anywhere and I wanted to say get on with it,

so I'm very much on the threesome side.

# Oh, how I wish

# I was

# At home with my Missus. #

It would have been number one had it not been for the Flying fucking Pickets.

MUSIC PLAYS

Oh, well, bad timing.

We're not having much luck with these cutting-edge artists, John.

-Well, I've got a bit of good news on the Adele front.

-What's that?

She's sent you a lovely note.

In fact, we've had lots of lovely notes

from almost everyone we've asked, which is pretty positive.

Have we got any lovely yeses?

Chrissie.

She said yes?

Well, it's been 25 years.

# Little donkey

# Little donkey

# On that dusty road

# Got to keep on

# Plodding onwards

# With your precious load. #

TILL RINGS

Do you need any donkey noises?

I'm coming in.

No, no, no, no, no. No.

Chrissie, why'd you take the cans off?

You know what? You don't want to know.

You didn't hear it from me

but he and Chrissie had a bit of a thing a few decades ago.

-Thanks for coming.

-Uh-hm.

-It's good to see you.

-Oh, it's your lucky day.

Yeah, um, a few people helping us out here on the album and, er...

You know I'm doing this, it's an animal rights thing,

it's nothing to do with you, you know that?

Brian put more than his brass in her pocket, if you get my gist.

I can't even look at you, fuckhead.

He had them all back in the day.

Dusty, Lulu, Suzy, Debbie, Chrissie, Bananaramas, Marilyn.

Ooh, Brian got a bit of a shock

when he pulled 'her' pants down, I can tell you.

Brian treated plasticine

better than he treated women.

In the '80s,

Brian's, if you like, relationship with plasticine

really developed and it actually had a very negative effect on him.

Evil.

I mean, he would just run off to the toilet

and mould some plasticine in minutes and rush back

and want to show it to you and, I mean,

I didn't know what to say.

RHYS: Brian quit plasticine for good in 1989.

That December, Brian and the rest of his Thotch bandmates

famously appeared on the same episode of Top Of The Pops,

though not together.

All of them had solo singles competing for Christmas number one,

which was great for me. It was like having three horses in the Grand National.

Tony had teamed up with Paul Hardcastle

and remixed In Dulce Yuletide

into some bloody dance track.

Brian and that, um, chubby opera singer - what's her name? -

were there with Winter In Winnipeg,

which was the official song for the Winter Olympics.

# Winter in Winnipeg

# Snowfalls of pride

# Aaaah! #

I was called in to write the lyrics as Brian knew fuck-all about sport.

# The snow falls hard upon the dark. #

Or Winnipeg.

# Aaaah!

# Aaaah! #

Over here, quickly.

And Pat's new band,

Pat And The Patios, were on with Christmas In My Car.

# Christmas in my car

# I want to spend Christmas in my car

# Snow on the M25

# 25. #

Thotch had effectively split up and legally we couldn't use the name.

In fact, I spent the summer doing a degree in law

simply so that I could talk to the other guys in the band.

And John, Mike and I renamed ourselves Pat And The Patios.

And I wrote Christmas In My Car stuck in a traffic jam on the M25.

It just came to me, you know?

# When you've got Brussels sprouts. #

So I quickly bashed down the chords on the dashboard, you know,

scribbling the lyric on the back of the tax disc.

And that's why I crashed.

I mean, I came out unscathed, luckily.

Unfortunately, I'd driven

into the back of a horse box

and maimed a young foal.

-PRODUCER WHISPERS:

-Zoom in, I think he's going to cry.

Which very sadly had to be put down.

Um, um.

I've subsequently had many a sleepless night

about that and many a dark night of the soul.

Dark night of the foal.

Um...

And to this day I, um...

Actually, can...

..can we stop there, please?

Sorry.

Anyway, Pat got the highest entry, kept off the top by Band Aid II.

Band-Aid II? I mean, come on.

Like doing a remake of 12 Years A Slave with Richard Blackwood.

Or Arthur with Russell Brand.

Oh, they've done that, haven't they?

# Very merry Christmas

# And a happy new year

# Let's hope it's a good one

# Without any fear...

HE PLAYS STATUS QUO RIFF

# A very merry Christmas

# And a happy new year... #

-What are you doing?

-Nothing.

You look such an idiot.

-We'll go for one, OK?

-OK.

-Just try it out.

-I'm to start? Yes?

-Uh-hm.

BOTH: # Follow that star tonight. #

-It's a really good cause, isn't it? So, er...

-Yeah.

Oh, actually, what is it again? What's it for?

Bipolar polar bears.

What?

# Simply

# Having

# A wonderful Christmas time

# Simply

# Having

# A wonderful Christmas time. #

BOTH: # You scumbag, you maggot

# You cheap lousy faggot

# Happy Christmas, your arse

# I pray God it's our last

# And the boys of the NYPD choir

# Still singing Galway Bay

# And the bells are ringing out

# For

# Christmas Day. #

Can't you harmonise?

Um, yeah, I didn't realise we were doing harmonies on this bit.

-We're doing harmonies.

-Are we not just doing the lead vocal for now?

Can you just cut it for a second?

If Melanie is not ready for the harmonies, I mean, I am ready

but if Melanie's not ready then...

I'll sing the lyrics and you do the ding-dongs.

-I'm not doing the fucking ding-dongs.

-Well, someone has to.

Get Mel C to fucking do them, I'm not doing them.

# Donkey, donkey

-# Donkey, donkey

-Poor little, little donkey

# Aaah!

# Real big donkey

-# Donkey

-Donkey. #

THEY SING IN HIGH-PITCHED TONE

Oh.

Argh.

You, you, where is she?

Melanie?

HE MOANS

Give me a break, I've just got in from Newfoundland.

-What've you been doing there, clubbing seals?

-You've stepped over the mark there, Perny.

You might get that checked out.

No, I've had it checked out, it's fine.

I would very much like to fuck you.

I've had enough of this, I've had enough of this bollocks.

-Dirty bugger.

-Ah, Brian, you want to fuck me now, eh? Yeah?

Bonjour, robby-diddy-bop.

-She's a fucking nutter, David.

-I didn't sing that bad.

I will get you down.

RHYS: Brian's manager John Farrow has asked him to come for an unscheduled meeting.

John.

Come up. Take your shoes off.

Brian.

You know the scheme you invested a lot of money in?

The one you suggested?

Did I? I can't remember.

Anyway, it turns out it's one of them...

tax avoidance things

that Osborne's decided to get shirty about all of a sudden.

-Oh, John.

-No, no, no, don't panic, it's all under control.

I've spoken to HMRC, they've given you a few months to pay back what you owe. Nobody's going to prison.

For the minute.

Well, how much do I owe?

Seven.

What, 7,000?

Million.

How much have you got put aside?

I have nothing.

-What have you spent it on?

-Well...

There's the musical and I invested in a couple of apps.

-Fedge.

-Fedge? What the fuck is Fedge?

Fedge is a prototype unshatterable plastic.

It will revolutionise the way we use rulers.

What?

Not just rulers, John, protractors, set squares,

all kinds of office miscellanea.

-Fucking hell.

-The money you saved me in tax this year,

I wanted to spend on something worthwhile.

I mean, the polar bears are up against the wall, John.

They're losing their habitat.

Well, you'll be losing your habitat if you're not careful.

What am I going to do?

RHYS: And then, we were asked to turn off the cameras.

You could re-form Thotch, do a world tour.

No, that's a prison sentence in itself.

OK, you could sell everything.

Poggle West, Poggle East, Poggle Letchworth,

the helicopter, Segway, all the houses,

take the kids out of Sherborne.

Float Poggle Records on the stock market

and auction off all your old costumes.

Not the Segway, John. How will I get from A to B?

Or you could take the profits from the Christmas album,

the charity, and filter it into your bank account.

What? That's completely immoral, John.

You should be ashamed for even thinking that.

Well, have you got a choice?

It's the most immediate way to make the money back

and we're looking at 18 months inside.

BRIAN BREATHES HEAVILY

I feel sick.

Don't do it here, let me walk you downstairs.

TILL RINGS

RHYS: It's almost midnight and Brian has one last song

to record to complete the album.

OK, it's Mary's Boy Child. This is take four.

Just try and just stay in a pocket.

Which pocket?

# Mary's boy child, Hesus Christ was born on Christmas... #

-It's Jesus.

-Sorry?

You have to say Jesus.

That is what I am saying, Hesus.

-Just go again.

-OK.

TILL RINGS

# Mary's boy child JESUS Christ... #

-I'm coming in.

-No. No, no, don't come in, please.

Please don't enter the inner sanctum of the artist.

No! Don't come in!

What are you doing?! This is not a game!

-This is a charity record!

-I know, I love...

For fucking polar bears!

-It's not about you fucking showing your knickers on YouTube!

-OK.

Don't push me!

Oh, you said don't push!

-I had all this with Julie Covington!

-Who is Julie Covington?

She's a singer!

-She was in Rock Follies.

-And what is Rock Follies?

It was a TV drama based in the music industry

about three women vocalists. Idiots, like you.

Can I see it on repeat?

On DVD?

What is Rock Follies?

RHYS: But after months of hard work on the album,

the stress finally caught up with Brian.

Some breaking news now.

The rock star and campaigner Brian Pern

has suffered a major heart attack.

He was taken to hospital in London earlier this evening.

Thought to be in a deep coma,

he's reported to be in a critical condition.

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

Thanks for coming in at such short notice, John.

How is Brian?

Well, touch and go. Pretty serious.

And what are the chances he might die, do you think?

Pre-Christmas or post?

Why do you ask?

I'm just trying to plan the release schedule, you know.

If he dies, then we need to be ready

with the re-releases of his greatest hits. Um...

Maybe even push through, sort of...

Best Of Thotch And Brian Pern Comp.

You know what it's like when somebody dies.

When would you prefer he died?

Um...

Ideally...

Pre-Christmas.

Yeah, it'd be great publicity for his Christmas album and if not then, then...

..February.

It'd be a great boost to the market in that sort of post-sales slump.

You're disgusting, you know that?

I thought I was bad enough but you take the fucking biscuit.

Come on, John.

It's called show business, not show friendship.

Thought you'd know that better than anyone.

And you're like all the rest in this place.

You're a corporate monkey star-fucker.

You don't do this for love or passion.

You do it just so you can just post fucking Instagrams of yourself on Facebook

with bloody Katy Perry or bloody Harry Styles

to show off to all the girls who used to bully you at school.

Well, you can stick this record deal up your disgusting arse,

if there's any room.

We won't be re-signing.

If Brian dies, you're not having a penny.

However, as you know, always happy to come to an arrangement.

PEPITA GASPS

Oh, Brian.

PEPITA INHALES HEAVILY Are you dead?

Do you mind shoes?

'Gusta' you my shoes?

Oh, oh, you're so cold.

You're like an ice lolly.

PEPITA WHIMPERS

PEPITA HUMS A SONG

RHYS: Thankfully, Brian came out of his coma

and I was fortunate enough to be the first person to interview him.

-So, Brian, thanks for seeing me.

-Thank you.

I just wanted to, what's, what's wrong with you? What's happened?

Well, um, I had a heart attack.

Quite bad, brought on by stress and then I fell

and I broke this arm so I've been ordered to just lay off

everything for two months.

Right, it's now December 12th and the album is on the shelves, isn't it?

And it's doing quite well, I understand?

-Well, we've raised about £15 million.

-Wow.

Which is unbelievable.

So that'll help out some of those bears who are really blue.

And I see it's all changed for Poggle Studios?

Um, I had to make a decision, you know,

and it was probably the toughest decision I made.

Well, I don't want to go into the ins and outs of it all,

just to say that that I am selling Poggle Sound

and I'm retiring from the music industry.

-Really?

-Yes.

-Well, what will you do?

-Well, I have an open canvas.

I've always wanted to learn Urdu, Joni Mitchell has asked me

to go out to California and help her with her almond harvest

and I've also bought myself a big Slush Puppie machine.

I'm just going to sit around and drink some grape Slush,

watch some old reruns of Hindsight, Columbo...

There's lots of stories in the paper

the day after you had the heart attack about tax evasion.

Hmm, I'm pretty tired now.

Brian, looking better today.

-Thanks, John.

-Got some good news.

-Really?

The house, the helicopter, the studios - all off the market,

-you don't have to sell.

-Really?

Got talking to some big fans of yours last week at dinner,

told them all about the tax thing and your plans to sell up,

maybe even retire, and they said, "Brian Pern, he can't retire.

"He can't sell his world music label or the best studio in the world

"to some bloody corporation," so they paid the tax bill for you.

-What's the catch, John? There must be a catch.

-No catch, Brian.

Apart from the fact that they want to come in and see you.

Are they weirdos?

A bit. Come in, chaps.

-Hi, Brian.

-Hello, Pat. Hi, Tony.

-Hi.

-Hi.

-Hi.

Are you sure about this?

Of course, Brian, you're our oldest friend.

And it's Christmas, after all.

I guess it is Christmas.

I really don't know what to say, I just want to say thank you.

BRIAN SNIFFS

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Is there anything else we can do for you, Brian?

Ah, yes, actually, you could change my bedpan.

Just, it's brimming up.

HE WINCES

HE GROANS

HE SIGHS

It's so hot.

DOOR OPENS

Hello? Who's there?

MUSIC: Ave Satani by Jerry Goldsmith

BRIAN SCREAMS