A Tribute Brian Pern

This programme contains very strong language.

Brian Pern was a one-off.

He was a gifted musician, a great songwriter,

and, possibly, the best frontman ever in Thotch.

I can think of three Brians in rock music,

and he was certainly one of them.

In the early days, of course, we were rivals.

His band famously ripped off ours,

and I gazumped him to the part of Buster.

I'm Buster Edwards. Which one of youse is a grass?

But, as time went on, we grew closer and closer.

And we became great, great friends, although I never actually met him.

Whether you liked Brian Pern's music or not,

his heart was always in the right place.

Even if sometimes the notes weren't.

He will be sorely, sorely missed

by some people.

Available now, £14.99.

Was that sad enough?

# Civic centre... #

Brian Pern's death shocked the world.

In this special documentary,

I'll be talking to those who knew Brian best.

-His lovers...

-He was such a magical part of my childhood.

And, sadly, a not-so-magical part of my adulthood.

Brian is the only husband I truly loved.

No!

His band...

His fans...

He wasn't afraid, Brian, to push the boundaries from pop to rock,

from rock to pop, from pop to pop, and rock to rock.

And the man himself in his final-ever interview.

Believe it or not, I was the first choice to play Lofty in EastEnders.

# My love is the window And yours is the pane... #

I think of him as one of the giants of the music business.

He is an absolute stone-cold genius.

What a record maker this guy is.

He was somebody, you know, you wanted to please.

With him, you were like a lapdog, you just, you know,

"What can I do to make it better?"

If there is such a thing as spirit or soul,

I think he was one of the ones who had a great soul, a great spirit.

Brian was a songwriter, singer, drummer, guitarist, you know,

he can do it all.

He's not bad.

# The triffids descend from the skies... #

If everyone looked after their teeth as well as Brian did,

I'd be out of a job.

Every song had its hook that we could all sing collectively,

no matter where you were.

You could be in Japan, you could be in Botswana, it didn't matter.

I know that Brian was very precise.

I will be coming across here as if I were a giant bird, swooping.

That is one of the things I love about him.

Brian was funny, shy, ever so clever, great musician,

and a total twat.

# Why are there no black folk in Jersey?

# Why are there no black folk in Sark...? #

What a tremendous honour to be in a position like that,

where you can affect people's lives.

How many people in their lives get

the chance to do something like that?

'Hello and welcome to BBC News.'

The rock star and campaigner Brian Pern has died at the age of 66,

his spokesman has confirmed.

The news comes just two days after the classic line-up of Thotch

released their first new single in 40 years.

As far back as I can remember, music has always been a part of my life.

I was born making music. And I guess I'll die making it, too.

He lived at number 37.

Now, fuck off! Jesus!

'In January this year, Brian Pern and Thotch secretly reunited to

'record a brand-new album, and I was asked to film an exclusive

'interview with Brian that would turn out to be his last.'

If you were to die tomorrow, what would be your biggest regret?

That's a hard question.

I guess...

I'd liked to have seen the film La La Land.

See what all the fuss was about.

I was thinking more, you know, in terms of not seeing your

son grow up or spending more time with your family.

Not seeing my son grow up, and seeing more of my family.

It's very... It's hard to think

about Brian in the past tense, you know?

I think we're still, um, well, we are in shock, aren't we, really?

I'm actually over it now.

Yeah.

What was it that brought you all back together again after,

you know, 35 years?

Well, it was a sad occasion, it was the death of Bennet St John,

who was a founder member of Thotch, a great friend of mine who I

hadn't seen for 40 years, but just because you don't see someone

doesn't mean that you don't still think of them a lot.

-Did you think of him a lot?

-No.

Brian called me, out of the blue, and said,

"I've written a song for Bennet, called A Song For Bennet.

"But it's not just for Bennet, it's a song for everyone we've

"lost in 2016, apart from Prince," - he made that very clear.

-What was it with you and Prince? Why not him?

-I never got on with Prince.

We never saw eye to eye, because he was only that big.

For their first album in 38 years,

Brian wanted to share creative control with the rest of

the band, apart from writing all the music, lyrics,

designing the sleeve, the barcode and bringing in his own producer...

-Are you ready?

-..Luke Dunmore.

What was it like working with the whole band,

as opposed to just Brian?

Him on his own was bad enough,

but it was like having five fucking Brians in the room.

Can you imagine that? What's his name, Tony, he was all right.

He was the most rock and roll,

and by that I mean he ate meat, now and again,

but the rest of them, mate, they were a bunch of fucking flannels.

The bass player, we might as well have been a fucking bollard.

But he's the richest one, you know?

Wrote all of Thotch's biggest hits in the '80s.

-Tight as fuck, wouldn't give a door a bang, the cunt.

-It was marvellous.

-Just six men making music with no distractions.

-Come on!

It was without doubt the most wonderful time of my life.

And I've been present at several of my children's births and at

least three of my own weddings.

I don't think we ever got on so well. Bar one argument about Brexit.

# A psycho just killed the USA

# Building walls with racist tools

# The land of the free don't come so cheap no more... #

At the start, he was phoning it in a bit.

You know, relying on the old tricks from the Spirit Level days.

I said, "Brian, you've written all these angry songs about Brexit,

"about social injustice, climate change, stranded donkeys,

"and you're singing them like a fucking pop star."

I said, "Sing them like it's the last thing you'll ever sing in your life."

# Whoa.... #

The story of Brian's fame began here, at Stowe,

where he met Tony Pebble, Pat Quid and Bennet St John.

They formed a band who would become known as Thotch,

and would change the face of music forever.

When the band left Stowe,

they signed up with their first manager, "Big" Basil Steel.

I will never forget hearing them playing live.

Proper hair standing up on the back of your neck.

In fact, the hair at the back of my neck wouldn't go down for

a fucking week. It was like a fucking porcupine.

Back in 1971, I managed to get them on Top Of The Pops.

Cos I was having it off with Pan from Pan's People at the time.

They refused to go on. "We don't do Top Of The Pops, it's not cool."

Well, I hit the fucking roof.

-I've still got a bump to prove it, here. Here, see.

-Right.

-Here.

-Come and get... See. Feel that.

-No, it's all right.

Feel the fucking head, feel it! What's the matter with you?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-It's bad.

Despite losing their drummer to drugs, bass player to board games,

and part-time rhythm guitarist to politics and eventually

alleged war crimes, Thotch went on to become one of

the biggest-selling artists of the 1970s.

# Christmas comes but once a year

# All the people raise good cheer

# Eat your turkey, scratch a leg

# Pray to Santa But don't you beg... #

But Brian left the band at the peak of their success to pursue a solo career.

That's when I invented the first rock video,

which led to MTV, MTV Classic, MTV Punk, the ITV Chart Show,

The Box, VH1, VH1 Classic, VH1 Alternative, and VH1 Classic 2.

While Brian was alive, he refused to talk about the true struggles

behind his early solo career and how close he came to bankruptcy.

But now he is dead, we can reveal all.

Which is what he would have wanted.

After Brian left the band, there was his commercially fallow period.

He'd never accept this, but his career was virtually finished.

But a lifeline came Brian's way in 1982, when Hallmark invented

cards that played music when you opened them,

and Brian was asked to write the songs.

I was contacted by Hallmark, and they said,

"Can you do a whole string of these songs which will echo

"the various sentiments of Hallmark cards?"

I said, "If I'm helping people, I'll do it."

Several of the songs Brian recorded under the Hallmark contract

were released and made a decent impact on the Top 40.

I did a...Get Well Soon.

Get Well Soon entered the chart at number 13,

where it stayed for three consecutive weeks.

Congratulations, You've Passed Your Driving Test.

Well Done, You've Passed Your Exams. There were a lot of different songs.

I'm Sorry To Hear Of Your Loss sold over a million cards and

spent nine consecutive weeks at number one on

the Clinton Card chart, thanks to this ground-breaking video.

# I'm so sorry to hear of your uncle's passing

# Only last week he was upstairs dancing

# Life and soul as he always was

# Life can't get any cheaper... #

There were a lot of different songs.

I mean, it got to the point where I had to say, "No, no more."

Because it was diluting the message.

Around '83, '84, Brian was dropped by his record label,

so he started his own, called Poggle.

It was named after our cat.

Poggle had climbed into the new Zanussi and was accidentally

put onto a 60-minute tumble.

And when it came out, it looked pretty whacky.

Brian funded his own records, tours, publicity, everything,

which meant we had no money.

# Equinox! Worm Power...! #

My album, Worm Equinox, had failed to chart, mainly because I

released it solely on a CD-ROM, which hadn't been invented yet.

So Brian, like many other pop stars before him,

turned his hands to acting, to make ends meet.

Brian Pern had to be the worst actor we ever had on Doctor Who.

Takes some beating, believe me.

I'm the Doctor, are you in charge here?

You will remain silent.

Sorry, it's just I'm quite concerned about a couple of friends

-I left here.

-Who is this primitive?

When I was working with Brian, it was pre-Plasticine,

so his career was really in the sink.

He was trying to forge a career as an actor.

-You must think me a fool.

-Not at all.

The trouble was he was shit. Utter shit.

Talk about watch from behind the sofa.

Fuck me, I didn't want to come out for a week.

I could destroy you now.

I could destroy you now. I could destroy you now.

-I COULD destroy you now.

-Let me see you try.

I, I, ah...

Just kept uttering the same line over and over again.

Drop the sonic device.

-Drop it.

-It isn't my day, is it?

Drop the sonic device.

I feel as though you've just killed an old friend.

Drop the sonic device.

Luckily, his next album was a success so he never acted again.

Thank Christ.

In 1987, Brian had the honour of singing the latest James Bond

song, as he teamed up with Britain's other biggest recording artists.

Hey, you, don't watch that,

watch this!

This is the James Bond sound -

the most Secret Service sound around.

# Hey, driver, where we goin'?

# The Living Daylights

# I swear my nerves are showin'

# The Living Daylights

# Set my hopes up way too high

# Living's in the way we die

# Ah, ah, ah, ah The Living Daylights

# The Living Daylights. #

Hey, you, don't watch that,

watch Octopussy!

Um...

Yeah.

A load of crap.

LAUGHTER

The single flopped horribly, so they asked some Dutch blokes

called A-hum to do it, and that's the version that's in the film.

# The Living Daylights... #

I mean, I preferred the original.

Surprisingly, one of the biggest hits of Brian's career

involved an unexpected collaboration with some stars of Eurovision.

So I called Brian, and I say, "Brian, are you sitting down?"

He says, "No." So I said, "I just had a phone call from Bobby G.

"The Fizz wants to work with Thotch."

And Brian says, "Eh."

I said, "Dude, are you crazy?! This is the fucking Fizz!"

# Love in the shadows

# Like a smoking gun... #

Went down to Pebble Mill and we did this tune.

# Is it really what you want One more broken heart?

# One more lost and lonely... #

We're making magic, OK?

It's one of those Pet Sounds moments.

And the tune got to number 87 in the UK charts.

I don't have any memory of that collaboration.

But the fame and the fortune came at a price.

# In the cool light of the dawn... #

I was on my own a lot, and Mike Batt lived up the road in Laurel Canyon.

The kids loved him, because he was the Womble guy.

# Remember you're a Womble... #

He would come over and chat, play me songs.

One thing led to another.

How did Brian find out?

Brian was away as usual, some crap with Desmond Tutu.

Mike came over and, for a joke, he put on his Orinoco costume.

He said, "Have you ever been... F-worded by a Womble?"

Well, it was great for me, because it wasn't Mike doing it,

it was Orinoco, and I didn't feel so guilty.

Then...the door goes.

It's Brian. He caught Orinoco mid-flow and...

..that was it.

# I don't blame you... #

Later that week, Brian performed his latest song on Top Of The Pops,

and did this.

We had absolutely no idea whatsoever that was going to happen.

I don't think we should talk about Mike Batt.

One of Britain's most successful pop singers is today asking

a High Court judge to declare his recording contract null and void.

The record company wanted me to produce three albums in

two years, and I just didn't want to do it.

I felt like a slave to the label.

What's more, they owned the music, I didn't.

So I had to sue my record company to get my life and my music back.

-But you own your own record company.

-That's right.

-So you ended up, you sued yourself?

-Yes.

-So, how much did you pay yourself to get out of your own contract?

-Oh...

£6 million. Give or take.

# The Earth is dying

# You're a bee who has died for me... #

Brian Pern was more than just a rock star,

he was a tireless campaigner and used his music as

a platform to raise awareness of issues that no other rock star would

sing about, long before the likes of Bono, Bob Geldof or Black Lace.

Of all the charities, what is the one that is closest to your heart?

It has to be my work with molluscs.

This week is Mollusc Awareness Week.

I have with me here the rock star and eco-campaigner Brian Pern.

-Brian, very nice to see you here.

-Hello, Monty.

Tell me about Mollusc Awareness Week.

Well, I have a recording studio in the heart of the countryside,

and many people come and lay down tracks there,

and during the evening they may step out for a cigarette or just

a breath of fresh air - crunch, they tread on a snail.

Some of the more heavier artists, like Elton John or Adele,

can kill up to ten snails in one fag break.

And this is happening right around the globe,

and it's snail genocide.

So what can you do to help snails?

I have been developing a new shoe,

and the soul is made from a new polyfoam called Fedge.

It's very light and very strong.

And when someone steps on a snail, the weight is evenly

distributed and the snail is free to slide away quite happy.

-How much would that cost?

-Well, this would retail for around £1,500.

That's a huge amount of money.

It is a lot of money, Monty, but we are saving lives,

the lives of snails.

-Is it so much?

-Well, yes.

I'd love to see them work, if you can.

Well, I am wearing a pair right now. Here we go.

CRUNCH

Oh.

Despite two failed marriages, Brian finally found happiness at the end

of his life when he started a family with world musician Pepita Sanchez.

# Santa Claus won't make me happy

# Santa Claus won't make me happy

# With a toy on Christmas Day... #

-Longer?

-And what's life like as a married man and being a father?

Well, you know what?

It kind of grew organically, she was always around,

I produced her albums.

She recorded at Poggle Sound,

and all of a sudden she became part of my life.

-Can we bonk?

-No bonk.

-No wine, no bonk.

-No wine, no bonk.

-What is the point of life?

-I've got a very busy schedule...

-Jeez, I don't...

-Paolo Nutini coming in...

Oh, Paolo!

I need to sort out my bisa.

I don't know, think I have the clearance for the bisa to stay here.

-Ah, your visa. Well, we can do that later.

-That's what I said.

At the moment, we must do this song and we must do it right.

OK. And then I get my bisa?

What's it like being a father at your age?

It's great, you know, I have so much more time to be with my little boy.

He comes out with me when we go down to the shop to buy croissants

and so forth.

What's his name?

When was the last time you saw Brian alive?

Um...

Yeah.

I actually had dinner with Brian two nights before he died,

with the wives, yeah.

Well, you know, I had lunch with him the day before he died.

Just the two of us.

Um...

I saw him, actually, the night before he died as well.

Just bumped into him.

Well, actually, I saw him the morning he died.

I spoke to him,

I was actually on the phone to Brian as he died,

I heard him go, "Aaaargh!"

-Splat! As he hit the rocks.

-No, you didn't.

-I did.

You didn't, we were having...a ploughman's lunch in the pub.

-I wasn't.

-Yes, you were!

What did you think when you heard he'd died?

What, he's dead?

Can you tell us about the last time you saw Brian.

Christmas Eve, 2016.

He, uh...

He came round to my apartment to drop off a present for Maddox,

my son, who idolised him.

Which was kind.

What did he buy him?

Some special shoes that didn't kill snails if you trod on them.

The main headlines again.

Tributes have been flooding in following the sudden death of

musician Brian Pern, who was killed in a Segway mistake this morning.

Tom Hiddleston wrote...

"..especially the one I did about Hank Williams,

"which was one of my greatest performances."

At first I thought it was fake news.

Then...

Then we realised that... that it was...true news.

PHONE RINGS

Although Brian's friends and family are devastated, there is one

person who has a very different theory regarding Brian's death.

No, I'm not glum today,

because Brian is very much alive and they've got it wrong.

-There are hidden symbols within the albums.

-What exactly do you mean?

-What are you talking about?

-Look at this.

-Can you see, just there, in there?

-I can't, I just see black.

That's what you see, just black,

but a real Thotch fan can see what's really there.

-Can you see it?

-Um, no, I...

-Look closely.

-I can't see anything.

-The Eye of Horus. The Eye of Horus.

-I can't see that.

-Can you...? There.

It's there, clearly.

The Egyptian symbol of good, protection, of health, of power.

It's there!

So, what, he's giving his fans a clue almost as to where he is?

He's set a trail.

It's like Hansel and Gretel with the breadcrumbs,

the hidden symbols will lead the fans to his true relocation.

-So why is he...? So you think he has faked his own death?

-He's faked it.

-100%.

-What proof have you got?

-I'll show you. OK. You see this?

-Yeah.

This is the numeric placing of the alphabet. This is A-1, B-2, C-3, you see.

-B, 2...Brian.

-I see, right.

-And then Pern.

-Yes.

-The relative numbers to the letters in the alphabet.

-I see.

-Right.

-So, multiply two.

-Yeah.

-By 18.

-Yeah.

-By nine. By one.

-Yeah.

-Times 14.

Now you divide that by the number of Thotch albums and solo albums.

-This is mad. Yeah. 3.4653?

-That's it.

-Right.

-Yeah.

So what does that mean?

Well, I didn't know either, I was baffled.

But I googled it, I came up with 3.4653 degrees, 62.2159 degrees.

-Yep.

-The Amazonian rainforest.

-So you think Brian is living in the Amazonian rainforest?

-Absolutely.

100 %. Do you know why Brian left us? Because he was sick of the fame.

He was sick of the stardom, he was sick of the public harassment,

he was sick of the paparazzi.

He wanted freedom.

That's what Brian wants, is freedom, and I am going to go there,

to the South American rainforest, with the fan club, we're going

to hold a little convention, and I'm going to bring him back home.

Right. But if Brian has faked his own death

in order to escape the fans,

why would he leave clues for you to find him?

I'm going home.

You're wasting your time, you've got the wrong house.

One person I found hard to pin down was Brian's manager of 40 years,

John Farrow.

However, he finally agreed to give me three of his precious minutes.

-Is this going to take long?

-No.

-Good.

Cos I've got a game of rounders in ten minutes with

Roger Waters and Joan Armatrading.

So, what does Brian's death mean to you?

-Mean to me?

-Yeah.

Well, I don't know.

20 million?

Because there's the new album, TV sales,

the tribute concert film, rights to the Brian Pern biopic,

which now has a very sad ending, of course.

And once the documentary goes out,

there'll be a huge spike in back catalogue sales,

and I'm not talking about this drippy BBC Four thing, I mean the

proper one that Martin Scorsese is doing for HBO and Netflix.

Where were you when you heard that Brian had died?

Done that already with Scorsese, next question.

When did you see Brian last, and can you remember what he said to you?

I can. But I just told Scorsese.

Right.

So, the record company want to put out

a greatest hits album to coincide with the show.

-Happy with that?

-What about the one that went out last year?

That was the Best Of, not a greatest hits.

What about the one before that?

That was the Essential Collection, not a greatest hits.

And the one before that?

It was the Absolute Greatest,

which only contained the best of the best of the essential best.

-But aren't we just ripping off the fans?

-Yep. Fuck 'em.

People are saying that you are cashing in on Brian's death,

what with the rumours of the band reforming without him and then

all these remixes you've released very quickly after his death.

Hey, hey, stop! "They"? Who are "they"?

Well, you know, the die-hard fans.

The die-hard fans, I don't give a rat's biscuit what they think.

Brian used to read what these so-called die-hard fans said

about him and his work on forums and Twitter,

and it would tear the poor guy apart.

They think they own Brian. They don't. I do.

Did Brian make them the executors of his estate?

Did he leave it to one of his wives or his mentally challenged

offspring? No, he didn't. He left it to me, so fuck everybody, frankly.

Listen, I have to put any personal feelings about Brian's death

aside, and think purely on a business level,

because that is what I am getting paid 20% to do.

Brian's royalties do not pay me to grieve, they pay me to work.

To keep him in the public eye, to keep his music fresh and alive,

to attract a new audience, no matter what it takes.

Not for me...

Well, a bit for me, but for him, for his wishes. So, yes,

I happily admit I have to cash in now to make the most for Brian,

not in a couple of years when everybody has forgotten him.

Fuck, he's all right. He's got the easy bit.

He's poodled off the edge of the cliff and said goodbye to all his troubles.

Mine have only just begun,

so even in the afterlife the guy's a fucking pest.

Who had to tell his various families that he'd left them fuck all?

And who had to dodge the pots and the pans that were chucked at

him when he informed them that he'd donated his 50 million

fortune to a trust that pays for homeless snails to be

rehoused in synthetic shells?

And to rehabilitate bats that can't hang upside down for

psychological reasons?

Me.

So don't give me all this cashing-in,

heartless manager bollocks, because you don't know the half of it.

-Sorry.

-I should think so.

Um, you said just now how you had to put any personal feelings aside.

Can I ask what those personal feelings are?

You can ask, but you won't get a fucking answer.

Why, because it's too emotional for you?

No, because I just told Scor-fucking-sese.

Anyway, you should watch that one instead, it'll be better than this.

-It's in surround sound.

-I've got one more question.

What does the future hold for you?

Game of rounders in three minutes with Roger Waters and Joan Armatrading.

-Anyway, that's it. Ta-ra.

-Thanks for your time.

-It's a pleasure.

Three weeks after Brian's untimely death,

the remaining members of Thotch have begun preparations for a tribute

concert at the Royal Albert Hall in aid of Segway awareness.

And I was given exclusive access to the rehearsals.

Well, we thought this would be a good testing ground for a singer,

you know, who could take Brian's place, and, you know,

it would make him feel more comfortable, so that we can keep

the band alive, and I'm sure this is what Brian would have wanted.

So the Brian Pern tribute concert is basically a chance for you to

audition a new lead singer of Thotch to take on the road?

Exactly. That's what Brian would have wanted.

And now we can reveal the new lead singer of Thotch for

the first time.

Thotch, meet Mike Batt.

Sorry I'm late. Anyway, let's get started. Have you got a chair?

Everyone is going to be interested in what songs are going to be

on the set list.

Well, I will be singing The Honeycomb Is Over,

but in the middle, of course, I'm doing all my own stuff.

My new solo album, I'm doing all the way through.

And some old ones like maybe Remember You're A Womble,

Wombling Merry Christmas, Bright Eyes, A Winter's Tale, that sort of thing.

So you're going to sing one of his songs,

and basically everything else is going to be your material?

Yeah, because I think that's what he would've wanted.

Can I ask you another thing?

I mean, it is very well documented that you had an affair with

his wife.

-And...

-Well...

Well, it's just, I know some people will be asking, you know,

what is your motive behind doing this?

You did say we wouldn't be talking about that.

Would you mind, like, cutting so we can just talk about what

we're going to talk about before we actually talk about it?

-I mean, you said we were going to talk about Bright Eyes and...

-Yeah.

..all the work I've done with Steeleye Span and people like that,

so I don't think people are interested in, like,

whose porridge I stirred, like, 36 years ago.

Forget it.

I have to say that I did make my peace with him, you know,

before he went.

-OK.

-Yeah, yeah...

-You really made peace with him?

-Well, no.

-Do you need us to be interviewed?

-No, it's OK.

-Who would you say was closest to Brian?

-Well, probably...

-Me.

Actually, come on, it was probably me. Really, to be honest with you.

I don't think so, Tony. I mean... Brian and I, we...

We had a kind of sixth sense about each other.

Sometimes I could start a sentence and Brian could finish it,

and vice versa.

-Really?

-Yes, I'm pretty sure that...

-I just...

-..I was...

-closer to Brian than anyone else.

-I think you'll find...

Sorry, in his book, he does actually say he was closest to Pat,

you were like brothers.

He called you a bimbo.

Brian was my friend. When we were young, we...

-we messed it up.

-He wasn't interested in getting his nuts wet.

He... He wanted to work. And I will really miss him.

You know, I have been married many times, but I really think I

can say that Brian is the only husband I truly loved.

Apart from Shakin' Stevens.

And Fish from Marillion.

If you are listening up there, Brian, you...

You look after yourself, OK?

Can I read something? It's easier.

"Stop all the clocks. Turn off the telephone. Stop the dog barking.

"It's annoying. Collect the dry cleaning.

"Cancel the subscription to the TV listings magazine.

"Brackets - there's nothing good on the telly anyway, just buy the big bumper Christmas one from now on.

"End brackets.

"Clean up the bathroom. Clean the bird poop off the car."

That's the last thing Brian ever wrote to me.

It's a list of chores he wanted me to do. I think that...

says it all, really.

I was going through me mobile phone the other day,

and I found a message from Brian.

He had arse-dialled me. He was... He was trying to buy some tiles.

He was in Topps...Topps Tiles. He was doing his new toilet.

And it was just Brian, you know, being Brian.

And I stayed up all night listening to it.

The day after he died.

What did he go for? What tiles did he choose?

He plastered it in the end. And I... I can't...

Can't get myself to delete the message. And...

When I think of Brian, that's what I listen to, cos,

let's be honest, I'm not going to listen to any of his albums, am I?

Here's your tombstone. What's written on it?

Brian Pern.

'An hour ago, I got a phone call from a friend of mine working for

'the Discovery Channel.

'He is editing a ground-breaking documentary about life in the

'Amazon rainforest, using over 100 unmanned, hidden cameras

'to capture animals as they have never been seen before.

'Whilst spooling through thousands of hours of footage, he found

'something that would change the face of documentaries like this forever.'

-John, over here.

-Shh, shh, shh! No, no, no. No names. Fuck's sake!

Here you are. I think I've got all the stuff.

There's World At War on Blu-ray, photos of your son, and the sweets.

Oh, no, John, I distinctly told you.

Vegan Percy Pigs from Marks & Spencer's, or their fruit jellies.

-These are Haribo.

-Jesus Christ, get a grip, Brian!

It's taken me four days and a fuck-load of effort to get here.

-I made a mistake. I want to come home.

-You can't go home, Brian.

You can't! If anybody finds out about this, we are totally fucked.

You've got to stay here!

The canoe guy, he got six years and lost everything.

Pull yourself together. The point is, it's worked.

The album's gone straight to number one in the UK,

the States, Italy, Holland and Australia.

-Zimbabwe?

-Yeah, number two.

-How did the band take it?

-Terrible.

Everyone was devastated, you were loved, Brian, you really were.

The tribute show is on at the Albert Hall.

And who have they got as a singer?

Someone young and cool, or old and legendary?

Sort of in the middle.

Well, who?

Um...

(Mike Batt.)

Mike Batt?!

Isn't he one of your acts?

Shit, look at the time. I've got an elephant to catch.

-Take care of yourself. I'll see you in six months, eh?

-(John.)

-Ta-ra.

Mike Batt!

RUSTLING

Hello? Is there someone there? Oh, Jesus Christ!

No-o-o-o-o-o!

Drop the sonic device.

Drop the sonic device.

Um...

-You know, you could be a little bit sadder.

-Hmm.

-And, do you know what?

Can you do me a favour? Could you do it maybe without the book?

-Because it's product placement, and it's the BBC.

-No, no, no, no, no.

It's the only reason I'm doing this. Couldn't stand the little prick.

-All right, I'll try and split the difference.

-OK.

-OK.

Do you have a tear stick?

Um... No. It's your house.

Could you think of something sad?