Episode 1 Bucket
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Transcript
| Line | From | To | |
|---|---|---|---|
This programme contains some strong language | 0:00:02 | 0:00:06 | |
-I said it was that way. -THAT isn't a way, Mum! | 0:00:06 | 0:00:09 | |
-What are you doing? -Mum, just stay on your side of the car! | 0:00:09 | 0:00:12 | |
-You're lurching me over! -I can't see the road! | 0:00:12 | 0:00:16 | |
Stand clear! SHE BREAKS WIND | 0:00:34 | 0:00:37 | |
-For God's sake! -Don't snap at me! You missed the turning. | 0:00:37 | 0:00:40 | |
Why aren't you driving? It's your car! | 0:00:40 | 0:00:43 | |
I prefer to yell at you. | 0:00:43 | 0:00:45 | |
And we go to cousin Pat's every birthday. | 0:00:45 | 0:00:48 | |
How can you not know the way? | 0:00:48 | 0:00:50 | |
I try to block it out, like all of our time together. | 0:00:50 | 0:00:53 | |
Now that I'm 70, which is the new 50, | 0:00:55 | 0:00:58 | |
it suddenly hit me. | 0:00:58 | 0:01:00 | |
Gefilte bhaji? | 0:01:00 | 0:01:02 | |
I vomited before I came, thanks. | 0:01:02 | 0:01:04 | |
Well, you've got to eat something. | 0:01:04 | 0:01:07 | |
Bombay finger? | 0:01:07 | 0:01:08 | |
Did you bring any normal-sounding food at all? | 0:01:08 | 0:01:12 | |
The big 7-0. | 0:01:12 | 0:01:15 | |
And I finally see it! | 0:01:15 | 0:01:17 | |
Life's not about the destination, it's about the journey. | 0:01:17 | 0:01:21 | |
You learn, you share... | 0:01:21 | 0:01:24 | |
You needed to take THAT exit. | 0:01:24 | 0:01:27 | |
Oh, fuck! | 0:01:27 | 0:01:28 | |
Ha! Don't suppose you've had one of those in a while? | 0:01:28 | 0:01:32 | |
What happened to Big Jim? | 0:01:32 | 0:01:34 | |
Oh, well, he died. | 0:01:35 | 0:01:37 | |
There was an accident with a winch. | 0:01:37 | 0:01:40 | |
Well, that's terrible. | 0:01:41 | 0:01:43 | |
Still, plenty more fish. | 0:01:43 | 0:01:45 | |
What? Wait! He wasn't my boyfriend! | 0:01:45 | 0:01:48 | |
He was my 40st neighbour | 0:01:48 | 0:01:50 | |
who had to be lifted out of his flat by the fire brigade! | 0:01:50 | 0:01:53 | |
God! | 0:01:53 | 0:01:55 | |
So who's spelunking the bat cave these days? | 0:01:55 | 0:01:58 | |
Stop it. Stop it. | 0:01:58 | 0:01:59 | |
Why won't you tell me? Unless... | 0:01:59 | 0:02:03 | |
SHE CHUCKLES | 0:02:03 | 0:02:05 | |
I did always wonder. | 0:02:05 | 0:02:07 | |
What type are you? Lipstick? Chopstick? | 0:02:07 | 0:02:10 | |
We're not having this conversation, OK? | 0:02:10 | 0:02:13 | |
Why won't you tell me? I'm a woman of the world! | 0:02:13 | 0:02:16 | |
I've had my brushes with the clitterati. | 0:02:16 | 0:02:19 | |
Brushes...AND feathers. | 0:02:19 | 0:02:22 | |
OK, no conversation AT ALL! | 0:02:22 | 0:02:24 | |
Like riding along with a Carmelite nun! | 0:02:24 | 0:02:28 | |
# I love you, I hate you | 0:02:28 | 0:02:29 | |
# I'm on the fence, it all depends whether I'm up, I'm down | 0:02:29 | 0:02:32 | |
# I'm on the mend Transcending all reality... # | 0:02:32 | 0:02:35 | |
Carpe diem - seize the day. | 0:02:35 | 0:02:38 | |
I was inspired by...what's her name? | 0:02:38 | 0:02:40 | |
You know, that... that cook on television. Erm... | 0:02:40 | 0:02:43 | |
Delia Smith? | 0:02:43 | 0:02:44 | |
Bowl hair cut. Caused a run on omelette pans. | 0:02:44 | 0:02:48 | |
Yeah, do you mean Delia Smith? | 0:02:48 | 0:02:50 | |
I think she owned a football team. | 0:02:50 | 0:02:51 | |
Became a noun in the OED. Let's all do a...Delia! | 0:02:51 | 0:02:56 | |
Delia Smith! | 0:02:56 | 0:02:57 | |
And...? | 0:02:59 | 0:03:01 | |
She said, "Don't count the days, make the days count." | 0:03:01 | 0:03:06 | |
That was Muhammad Ali. | 0:03:06 | 0:03:08 | |
-What? -No! Obviously, no! | 0:03:08 | 0:03:10 | |
CAR HORN BLARES | 0:03:10 | 0:03:12 | |
Uh-oh! | 0:03:12 | 0:03:13 | |
I need to go again. | 0:03:13 | 0:03:15 | |
What, again? | 0:03:15 | 0:03:17 | |
What do you want me to do, Franny, shit in a bag? | 0:03:17 | 0:03:19 | |
OK! OK! Do not shit in any bag! | 0:03:19 | 0:03:22 | |
TOILET FLUSHES | 0:03:24 | 0:03:26 | |
One lump or two? | 0:03:26 | 0:03:28 | |
Hands! Hands! | 0:03:28 | 0:03:30 | |
-What...?! -Honestly! | 0:03:30 | 0:03:32 | |
Ah! | 0:03:36 | 0:03:38 | |
-Sorry, Pat. -No, no. | 0:03:38 | 0:03:40 | |
We enjoy your little visits | 0:03:40 | 0:03:42 | |
and we've some lovely leftovers of Gemma's cake-tasting. | 0:03:42 | 0:03:46 | |
Gem, darling. We're going to need a bigger plate. | 0:03:46 | 0:03:50 | |
I like the chocolate, but my fiance Paul prefers the vanilla. | 0:03:50 | 0:03:54 | |
I think we'll go traditional. | 0:03:54 | 0:03:56 | |
Did I tell you that fiance Paul has bought them a duplex? | 0:03:56 | 0:04:01 | |
He paid cash. | 0:04:01 | 0:04:03 | |
What's a duplex? Is it a condom? | 0:04:03 | 0:04:05 | |
Stop it! | 0:04:05 | 0:04:07 | |
Oh, did I tell you, Gemma's got a new job? | 0:04:07 | 0:04:10 | |
Head of HR. | 0:04:10 | 0:04:11 | |
Mm, Franny's had a promotion, too - | 0:04:11 | 0:04:13 | |
to be one of these super-duper teachers. | 0:04:13 | 0:04:16 | |
-Aw. -I haven't got it yet, Mum. | 0:04:16 | 0:04:18 | |
Well, as we say in HR, | 0:04:18 | 0:04:20 | |
there's no failure, only feedback. | 0:04:20 | 0:04:23 | |
Ha! Tell that to the passengers on the Titanic! | 0:04:23 | 0:04:26 | |
Oh, Fran, you're not the Titanic. | 0:04:26 | 0:04:28 | |
No. She's not going down on anyone! | 0:04:28 | 0:04:31 | |
TEAPOT CLATTERS | 0:04:31 | 0:04:33 | |
Hi, Mr Merdon. | 0:04:35 | 0:04:37 | |
I just thought you might not call cos you knew I was driving. | 0:04:37 | 0:04:40 | |
Anyway, do let me know... about the job. | 0:04:40 | 0:04:43 | |
It's Fran, by the way. | 0:04:44 | 0:04:46 | |
OK, bye! | 0:04:46 | 0:04:49 | |
THEY CHUCKLE | 0:04:52 | 0:04:54 | |
I was just telling them about my enormous bucket. | 0:04:55 | 0:04:58 | |
Oh, God! | 0:04:58 | 0:05:00 | |
Places to go, things to do. | 0:05:00 | 0:05:02 | |
-Ah, you mean a list. -I'll show you. | 0:05:02 | 0:05:05 | |
No, I can imagine. Some horrific odyssey of sordid antics. | 0:05:05 | 0:05:09 | |
Or, as I prefer to call it, fun. | 0:05:09 | 0:05:12 | |
Oh, talking of which, darling, show them your engagement ring. | 0:05:12 | 0:05:16 | |
I told fiance Paul he should spend one month's salary. | 0:05:16 | 0:05:20 | |
And how much should you spend on a cousin's 70th birthday, Pat? | 0:05:20 | 0:05:24 | |
Oh! | 0:05:24 | 0:05:25 | |
Yes, yes, yes. I got you a little something. | 0:05:25 | 0:05:28 | |
But it's a big one, 70. | 0:05:28 | 0:05:30 | |
All right, then, come upstairs. | 0:05:33 | 0:05:36 | |
Yes! | 0:05:36 | 0:05:38 | |
Ow! | 0:05:38 | 0:05:39 | |
SHE SIGHS | 0:05:39 | 0:05:41 | |
Moment of peace. | 0:05:41 | 0:05:42 | |
All this wed-min Mum's got me doing, Fran, | 0:05:42 | 0:05:45 | |
it's actually like hard work. | 0:05:45 | 0:05:47 | |
Right. Is it? | 0:05:47 | 0:05:49 | |
Now that I'm 70, which is the new 30, I'm going for it, Pat! | 0:05:49 | 0:05:55 | |
You should get a bucket. | 0:05:55 | 0:05:57 | |
-Here you are, Mim. -Erm... | 0:05:57 | 0:05:59 | |
Can I have this one? | 0:06:03 | 0:06:05 | |
Oh, all right. | 0:06:05 | 0:06:07 | |
Thank you. | 0:06:07 | 0:06:08 | |
That's the crap you gave me last Christmas. | 0:06:10 | 0:06:13 | |
We're using old photos of everyone for place settings. | 0:06:13 | 0:06:17 | |
Funny, isn't it? | 0:06:17 | 0:06:19 | |
Oh, my God, look at your mum! | 0:06:19 | 0:06:21 | |
Oh, I remember that holiday. | 0:06:21 | 0:06:23 | |
Oh, Fran, is that you? | 0:06:23 | 0:06:25 | |
Erm, no, I don't think so. | 0:06:25 | 0:06:27 | |
-With your dad maybe? -Then, no, definitely not. | 0:06:27 | 0:06:30 | |
Oh, of course. | 0:06:30 | 0:06:33 | |
Did your mum even know who it was? | 0:06:33 | 0:06:35 | |
Erm, yes, but he died before I was born. This is you. | 0:06:35 | 0:06:40 | |
Yeah, must be. | 0:06:40 | 0:06:42 | |
There are so many pictures of me, but I can't even find one of you. | 0:06:42 | 0:06:45 | |
No, well, you won't. Mum says I crack the lens. | 0:06:45 | 0:06:48 | |
-No, she just didn't take any. -Oh! | 0:06:50 | 0:06:53 | |
A joke, yeah. My fiance Paul does those. | 0:06:54 | 0:06:57 | |
Wait a sec. | 0:06:59 | 0:07:01 | |
Oh. | 0:07:02 | 0:07:03 | |
-Well... -Bon voyage! | 0:07:18 | 0:07:20 | |
Have a wonderful time. | 0:07:20 | 0:07:22 | |
We're only going home. | 0:07:22 | 0:07:23 | |
But I told you about my bucket. | 0:07:23 | 0:07:25 | |
-Well, what's that got to do with me? -You're driving! -What?! | 0:07:25 | 0:07:29 | |
"Ride bareback with the Navajo." Hm. | 0:07:29 | 0:07:32 | |
SHE CHUCKLES | 0:07:32 | 0:07:33 | |
"Kiss a frog on Lake Titicaca." | 0:07:33 | 0:07:35 | |
This is ridiculous! You can't do all of this. | 0:07:35 | 0:07:37 | |
No, not all at once! | 0:07:37 | 0:07:39 | |
First up is a special night away for us. | 0:07:39 | 0:07:41 | |
Well, I'm sure you'll have fun, but I have an Ocado coming. | 0:07:41 | 0:07:44 | |
No, no, I'm not going on any trip with her! | 0:07:44 | 0:07:46 | |
I can't. I've got...plans. | 0:07:46 | 0:07:49 | |
Just think, this is the ultimate road trip. | 0:07:53 | 0:07:57 | |
We'll be like Thelma and Louise. | 0:07:57 | 0:07:59 | |
They killed themselves. Now let's go...home! | 0:07:59 | 0:08:02 | |
Actually, I do feel like driving today. | 0:08:02 | 0:08:05 | |
-CAR HORNS BLARE -OK, Mum, Mum, Mum! | 0:08:06 | 0:08:09 | |
What's the matter, Franny? | 0:08:09 | 0:08:10 | |
Is it Gemma? Her wedding? Her duplex? Her job? | 0:08:10 | 0:08:14 | |
-I don't even know what HR is. -Human Resources... Mum, please! | 0:08:14 | 0:08:18 | |
Mum! Mum! | 0:08:18 | 0:08:21 | |
Slow down! Pull over! | 0:08:21 | 0:08:23 | |
Just... No! No fucking way! | 0:08:25 | 0:08:28 | |
-Franny, please! -Mum, no! There is no way! | 0:08:28 | 0:08:31 | |
Look, I might not always have been the best mother in the world... | 0:08:31 | 0:08:36 | |
Ha! Or the best mother in our house! | 0:08:36 | 0:08:39 | |
Look, Franny, I'm 70. | 0:08:39 | 0:08:41 | |
I've never seen the sun set on the Taj Mahal. | 0:08:41 | 0:08:45 | |
I've never made love in an elevator. | 0:08:45 | 0:08:47 | |
Or have I? | 0:08:49 | 0:08:50 | |
But my biggest regret is you! | 0:08:50 | 0:08:53 | |
That's why I booked a special night away, somewhere YOU'LL like. | 0:08:53 | 0:08:58 | |
Please, it's the minibreak we never had. | 0:08:58 | 0:09:00 | |
One night, one trip, but I'm driving! | 0:09:02 | 0:09:06 | |
# I was born in the wagon of a travellin' show | 0:09:07 | 0:09:10 | |
# My mama used to dance for the money they'd throw | 0:09:10 | 0:09:13 | |
# Papa would do whatever he could | 0:09:13 | 0:09:18 | |
# Preach a little gospel | 0:09:18 | 0:09:21 | |
# Sell a couple bottles of Dr Good... # | 0:09:21 | 0:09:25 | |
No, no more. | 0:09:25 | 0:09:27 | |
But I love that song! | 0:09:27 | 0:09:29 | |
"I was born in the wagon of a travelling show." | 0:09:29 | 0:09:32 | |
MIM SCOFFS | 0:09:32 | 0:09:34 | |
Did I ever tell you you were nearly born in a minicab? | 0:09:34 | 0:09:37 | |
Was I? | 0:09:37 | 0:09:39 | |
The driver's name was Tahibo. | 0:09:40 | 0:09:43 | |
He said I had the most luxuriant bush... | 0:09:43 | 0:09:46 | |
OK, stop now, thank you very much. | 0:09:46 | 0:09:48 | |
Never even gave him a tip. | 0:09:48 | 0:09:50 | |
Maybe I should have called you Tahibo. Still, what's done is done. | 0:09:52 | 0:09:58 | |
OK. | 0:10:06 | 0:10:09 | |
Which would you rather - dry-hump Ann Widdecombe or rim Donald Trump? | 0:10:09 | 0:10:15 | |
No, Mum! A proper quiz, like, | 0:10:15 | 0:10:17 | |
"Where was the Declaration of American Independence signed?" | 0:10:17 | 0:10:20 | |
-On the left! -If you're not going to do it properly... | 0:10:20 | 0:10:22 | |
Listen! Here, on the left. | 0:10:22 | 0:10:25 | |
We've finally arrived! | 0:10:25 | 0:10:27 | |
MiniWorld! | 0:10:34 | 0:10:35 | |
Norfolk's answer to Disneyland. | 0:10:35 | 0:10:38 | |
What the hell was the question? | 0:10:38 | 0:10:40 | |
You were desperate to come here. Went on and on about it one summer. | 0:10:40 | 0:10:44 | |
-But we didn't. -Well, it was the '80s. | 0:10:44 | 0:10:47 | |
There were risks - Chernobyl, Aids | 0:10:47 | 0:10:50 | |
and that emu. | 0:10:50 | 0:10:52 | |
Or was it the summer you disappeared off | 0:10:52 | 0:10:55 | |
to rescue Nelson Mandela in Alicante(?) | 0:10:55 | 0:10:58 | |
Or was it the summer | 0:10:58 | 0:10:59 | |
you were in hiding from the Baader-Meinhof Gang(?) | 0:10:59 | 0:11:02 | |
I don't remember specifically. | 0:11:02 | 0:11:04 | |
Or was it the summer you just dumped me at Granny's house... | 0:11:04 | 0:11:08 | |
who had died in April? | 0:11:08 | 0:11:11 | |
-I came back. -And we're going. | 0:11:11 | 0:11:14 | |
No, I don't want to go home! I want to do my bucket list! | 0:11:14 | 0:11:18 | |
Because 70 is the new foetus? | 0:11:18 | 0:11:21 | |
No, | 0:11:21 | 0:11:22 | |
because I'm dying! | 0:11:22 | 0:11:23 | |
What? | 0:11:25 | 0:11:26 | |
But...no... | 0:11:29 | 0:11:31 | |
You look OK. | 0:11:31 | 0:11:34 | |
From a distance. | 0:11:34 | 0:11:35 | |
I'm like a Seurat painting. | 0:11:35 | 0:11:38 | |
Come closer, and there's a million tiny dots multiplying. | 0:11:38 | 0:11:41 | |
Oh, shit! Cancer? | 0:11:41 | 0:11:44 | |
Eating away at me, and not in a way I'd like! | 0:11:44 | 0:11:47 | |
What are we doing here? | 0:11:47 | 0:11:49 | |
Why aren't we at a hospital? | 0:11:49 | 0:11:51 | |
Because that's the END of my story. | 0:11:51 | 0:11:55 | |
And there's so many pages left to fill! | 0:11:55 | 0:11:57 | |
Oh, Mum! | 0:11:58 | 0:12:00 | |
God, I wish you'd wear a bra! | 0:12:02 | 0:12:04 | |
Pre-paid one night, double room on a Kids Go Free deal, yeah? | 0:12:09 | 0:12:13 | |
Er...double room? | 0:12:13 | 0:12:15 | |
And...I'm not a kid. | 0:12:15 | 0:12:17 | |
You're my kid. | 0:12:17 | 0:12:19 | |
I'm 35. | 0:12:19 | 0:12:20 | |
One upgrade to adjoining rooms... | 0:12:20 | 0:12:23 | |
Mini rate is £179. | 0:12:24 | 0:12:27 | |
We'll have a pyjama party. | 0:12:28 | 0:12:30 | |
Oh, what's the minibar like? | 0:12:30 | 0:12:32 | |
Tiny. Right, you're in the Mini Lodge. | 0:12:32 | 0:12:35 | |
You can walk it or take the Mini Train. | 0:12:35 | 0:12:38 | |
Welcome to MiniWorld. | 0:12:38 | 0:12:40 | |
SHE GASPS | 0:12:49 | 0:12:51 | |
Last one to the hotel's a paedo! | 0:12:51 | 0:12:54 | |
Running with the bulls in Pamplona. | 0:13:00 | 0:13:03 | |
Zorbing in Bedford. | 0:13:03 | 0:13:05 | |
When are we going to talk about it? | 0:13:06 | 0:13:08 | |
-What? -The elephant in the room. | 0:13:08 | 0:13:11 | |
Don't be so hard on yourself, Franny. | 0:13:11 | 0:13:14 | |
I just want to get a handle on this. | 0:13:14 | 0:13:17 | |
-It's coming! -Yeah, that's why we HAVE to talk about it. | 0:13:17 | 0:13:21 | |
-I told them, you see. -What? | 0:13:21 | 0:13:23 | |
-TUNELESSLY: -# Happy birthday to you | 0:13:24 | 0:13:29 | |
# Happy birthday to you | 0:13:29 | 0:13:33 | |
# Happy birthday dear...Mim | 0:13:33 | 0:13:39 | |
# Happy birthday to you. # | 0:13:39 | 0:13:42 | |
MIM CHUCKLES | 0:13:42 | 0:13:45 | |
-Whoo! -Birthday conga time? | 0:13:45 | 0:13:47 | |
Yeah! | 0:13:47 | 0:13:49 | |
Hey-hey-hey! | 0:13:50 | 0:13:51 | |
CONGA MUSIC PLAYS | 0:13:51 | 0:13:54 | |
Hey! | 0:13:55 | 0:13:57 | |
Hey! | 0:13:57 | 0:13:59 | |
Hey! Hey! | 0:13:59 | 0:14:01 | |
Hey! Hey! | 0:14:03 | 0:14:05 | |
-Wire hangers! -Agh! -I always need more of these! | 0:14:06 | 0:14:10 | |
What is on your face? | 0:14:10 | 0:14:13 | |
Beauty cream! | 0:14:13 | 0:14:15 | |
I didn't just fellate a Smurf. | 0:14:15 | 0:14:17 | |
-Ugh. -But did I ever tell you about the time I did? | 0:14:17 | 0:14:20 | |
-It was in Brussels, I... -Please, don't give me nightmares. | 0:14:20 | 0:14:23 | |
-Oh, you! -Too late! | 0:14:23 | 0:14:25 | |
I want to experience everything before all I have are memories. | 0:14:25 | 0:14:31 | |
Who are these children? | 0:14:31 | 0:14:33 | |
Well, I haven't actually met them, | 0:14:33 | 0:14:35 | |
but they're very photogenic, don't you think? | 0:14:35 | 0:14:38 | |
And you've got one of Gemma, I see. | 0:14:38 | 0:14:40 | |
Oh, I don't want to argue. | 0:14:40 | 0:14:43 | |
We should be bonding. | 0:14:43 | 0:14:46 | |
Gossiping together, woman to woman. | 0:14:46 | 0:14:49 | |
And, Fran, if that's what you're into, it's... | 0:14:49 | 0:14:52 | |
Ugh, Mum! I don't want to talk about that. | 0:14:52 | 0:14:55 | |
-You're ill and... -Well, I don't want to talk about that! | 0:14:55 | 0:14:58 | |
I want quality time. | 0:14:58 | 0:15:00 | |
Stick the telly on? | 0:15:07 | 0:15:09 | |
Yeah. Cosy. | 0:15:09 | 0:15:12 | |
Ah! We never do this. Why is that? | 0:15:15 | 0:15:19 | |
'Unfortunately for the singleton black bear cub, | 0:15:19 | 0:15:22 | |
'the mother will often abandon it, | 0:15:22 | 0:15:24 | |
'deciding that raising only one baby just isn't worth her effort.' | 0:15:24 | 0:15:28 | |
TV OFF | 0:15:33 | 0:15:35 | |
Maybe you were right, dear. Bedtime. | 0:15:35 | 0:15:39 | |
RUSTLING | 0:15:43 | 0:15:46 | |
Oi! Are you checking for squirrels over there? | 0:15:48 | 0:15:53 | |
-Am I what? -Masturbating. | 0:15:53 | 0:15:55 | |
When you were small, I had to nearly tape up your knickers. | 0:15:55 | 0:15:59 | |
Ugh! | 0:15:59 | 0:16:00 | |
Go to sleep! | 0:16:02 | 0:16:03 | |
Apparently, the models are an exact 1-12 replica of the nearby village. | 0:16:11 | 0:16:16 | |
Huh! Church, pub, pet shop and kebabery. Oh. | 0:16:16 | 0:16:22 | |
"Et in Arcadia ego." Hm. | 0:16:23 | 0:16:28 | |
-Ah. -No, not another word. No morbid talk. | 0:16:28 | 0:16:31 | |
"Life" is a doing word. | 0:16:32 | 0:16:35 | |
Well, actually, it's a noun. OK, Mum, MiniWorld here we come! | 0:16:35 | 0:16:40 | |
Yes! | 0:16:40 | 0:16:42 | |
# Climbed a mountain and I turned around | 0:16:44 | 0:16:47 | |
# And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills | 0:16:49 | 0:16:55 | |
# Till the landslide brought it down | 0:16:55 | 0:16:59 | |
# Oh, mirror in the sky | 0:17:01 | 0:17:04 | |
# What is love? | 0:17:04 | 0:17:07 | |
# Can the child within my heart rise above? | 0:17:07 | 0:17:11 | |
# Can I sail through the changin' ocean tides? | 0:17:13 | 0:17:19 | |
# Can I handle the seasons of my life? # | 0:17:19 | 0:17:25 | |
Hey-hey! | 0:17:27 | 0:17:28 | |
Oh. | 0:17:30 | 0:17:31 | |
PHONE BEEPS | 0:17:31 | 0:17:33 | |
Are you sexting? | 0:17:35 | 0:17:37 | |
It's a missed call from work. | 0:17:37 | 0:17:39 | |
Oh, God, the promotion! | 0:17:39 | 0:17:41 | |
I'll call back later. | 0:17:41 | 0:17:43 | |
Fine, let's get out of here. Go for a boozy lunch? | 0:17:43 | 0:17:46 | |
But it's my putt! | 0:17:46 | 0:17:48 | |
-How long have you had that humped back? -Oh... | 0:17:54 | 0:17:56 | |
OTHERS LAUGH | 0:17:56 | 0:17:58 | |
That's nice - affirmation, encouragement. | 0:17:58 | 0:18:02 | |
You're not a child, Franny. | 0:18:02 | 0:18:05 | |
I'm your child. | 0:18:05 | 0:18:06 | |
Yes, it's funny, really. It's like looking into a hall of mirrors. | 0:18:07 | 0:18:11 | |
Agh! | 0:18:11 | 0:18:12 | |
Always crap at sports. | 0:18:12 | 0:18:14 | |
Maybe that's because you don't like playing with balls. | 0:18:14 | 0:18:18 | |
Stop, OK? You've got it wrong. | 0:18:18 | 0:18:20 | |
How's wanting to talk getting it wrong? | 0:18:20 | 0:18:22 | |
I am not gay, Mum! | 0:18:22 | 0:18:24 | |
I don't care whether you're LBO or QTI. | 0:18:24 | 0:18:27 | |
Everyone's gender liquid these days. You can't hide from what's inside. | 0:18:27 | 0:18:31 | |
Well, that's nothing. | 0:18:31 | 0:18:33 | |
And there's never been anything, inside or nearby. | 0:18:33 | 0:18:37 | |
Really? | 0:18:37 | 0:18:39 | |
You...you mean you've not... | 0:18:39 | 0:18:42 | |
Not ever? | 0:18:42 | 0:18:43 | |
Well, how can this be? | 0:18:43 | 0:18:46 | |
Just...never happened for me, Mum. | 0:18:46 | 0:18:50 | |
Oh, Franny, that's...that's... | 0:18:50 | 0:18:53 | |
..ridiculous! | 0:18:55 | 0:18:57 | |
You're a virgin, you're 35! | 0:18:57 | 0:18:59 | |
PHONE RINGS I mean, what...? | 0:18:59 | 0:19:02 | |
Not now! | 0:19:02 | 0:19:04 | |
Franny, I mean, seriously? | 0:19:04 | 0:19:06 | |
Yes, I'm a virgin! A big, fat 35-year-old virgin, OK? | 0:19:06 | 0:19:12 | |
'Fran? Hello? | 0:19:12 | 0:19:14 | |
-'It's Nigel Merdon.' -Oh! -'Hello?' | 0:19:14 | 0:19:17 | |
-Oh, God! -'Fran?' -Oh, shit! | 0:19:17 | 0:19:20 | |
A virgin? I...I can't believe it! | 0:19:20 | 0:19:24 | |
Well, of course YOU can't! | 0:19:26 | 0:19:28 | |
You were the universal docking station! | 0:19:28 | 0:19:31 | |
One size fits all! | 0:19:31 | 0:19:33 | |
Are you saying this is my fault? | 0:19:33 | 0:19:35 | |
If the Dutch cap fits! | 0:19:35 | 0:19:37 | |
Well, it didn't, and that's why you're here. | 0:19:37 | 0:19:39 | |
What? I didn't ask to be born! | 0:19:39 | 0:19:41 | |
Oh, that's right, blame the mother! | 0:19:41 | 0:19:43 | |
Well, I can't do it, Mum! I can't! | 0:19:43 | 0:19:45 | |
What are you saying? | 0:19:45 | 0:19:47 | |
I can't do a trip down traumatic memory lane. It's not fair! | 0:19:47 | 0:19:52 | |
Life's not fair, Franny! | 0:19:52 | 0:19:54 | |
It's so short, and there's so much I want to do. | 0:19:55 | 0:19:59 | |
It's always what you want to do! | 0:19:59 | 0:20:02 | |
This is the first time you have ever thought of me, and why? | 0:20:02 | 0:20:06 | |
You want a chauffeur. You're not even sorry, are you? | 0:20:06 | 0:20:10 | |
You are never sorry! | 0:20:10 | 0:20:12 | |
I'm sorry you've made a mess of things. | 0:20:12 | 0:20:14 | |
You've ruined my career. | 0:20:14 | 0:20:16 | |
You ruined my vagina! | 0:20:16 | 0:20:18 | |
You ruined my life! | 0:20:18 | 0:20:20 | |
You did that all by yourself. | 0:20:20 | 0:20:22 | |
You can't putt, | 0:20:22 | 0:20:24 | |
you can't fuck! What CAN you do? | 0:20:24 | 0:20:26 | |
I can drive you to Dignitas! | 0:20:26 | 0:20:29 | |
I...I didn't mean that! I... | 0:20:29 | 0:20:31 | |
Oh, hi, it's Fran. Erm, someone just briefly stole my phone. | 0:20:57 | 0:21:02 | |
Don't know what you heard. | 0:21:02 | 0:21:04 | |
Weird. Anyway, just wondering if you had any news about the job. | 0:21:04 | 0:21:08 | |
I-It's Fran, by the way. OK, bye. | 0:21:10 | 0:21:12 | |
Oh... | 0:21:14 | 0:21:15 | |
Which king died on the toilet? | 0:21:15 | 0:21:17 | |
George II. | 0:21:17 | 0:21:19 | |
GAME PLAYS FANFARE | 0:21:21 | 0:21:23 | |
You just won me a tenner! | 0:21:23 | 0:21:25 | |
I should buy you a drink. | 0:21:25 | 0:21:27 | |
COINS RATTLE | 0:21:27 | 0:21:30 | |
Oh, OK, sure. | 0:21:37 | 0:21:39 | |
Oh, I'm Dom, by the way. | 0:21:39 | 0:21:41 | |
Aneurism. | 0:21:41 | 0:21:43 | |
That's how George II died. | 0:21:43 | 0:21:46 | |
I am called Fran. | 0:21:46 | 0:21:48 | |
It's nice to talk to a grown-up for a change. | 0:21:50 | 0:21:52 | |
-Isn't it? -I'm on me own with them, you see. | 0:21:52 | 0:21:55 | |
God, me too! | 0:21:55 | 0:21:57 | |
Why is it so difficult just to communicate? | 0:21:57 | 0:22:00 | |
Mm, they drive you mad sometimes. | 0:22:00 | 0:22:02 | |
Why can't SHE be the adult for once? | 0:22:02 | 0:22:04 | |
It gets easier. | 0:22:04 | 0:22:06 | |
How old's yours, then? | 0:22:07 | 0:22:09 | |
70. | 0:22:09 | 0:22:11 | |
Mum, I shouldn't have s... | 0:22:13 | 0:22:16 | |
Have you tried calling your mum? | 0:22:29 | 0:22:30 | |
Yes, obviously. | 0:22:30 | 0:22:32 | |
Look, OK, so she's this tall and this wide. | 0:22:32 | 0:22:38 | |
She's got curly hair, like mine but white. | 0:22:38 | 0:22:43 | |
Erm, big eyes. | 0:22:43 | 0:22:45 | |
Nose like this. Well, you couldn't miss her. | 0:22:46 | 0:22:49 | |
She's unique. | 0:22:49 | 0:22:51 | |
Oh, that is actually quite good. | 0:22:52 | 0:22:55 | |
Don't worry, we'll find her. | 0:22:55 | 0:22:57 | |
-LOUDSPEAKER: -Fran Morganstein. | 0:23:08 | 0:23:11 | |
Fran Morganstein. | 0:23:11 | 0:23:14 | |
Big enough gesture for you? | 0:23:20 | 0:23:23 | |
Mum, where have you been? | 0:23:23 | 0:23:24 | |
Village pub. | 0:23:24 | 0:23:26 | |
I had a White Russian, a jumbo sausage, and then I had an epiphany. | 0:23:26 | 0:23:31 | |
Franny, I realised something. | 0:23:31 | 0:23:34 | |
It's not that I CAN'T do it without you, I don't WANT to. | 0:23:34 | 0:23:38 | |
I know things haven't been great between us but I can't | 0:23:38 | 0:23:42 | |
change the last three hours or the last 35 years. | 0:23:42 | 0:23:45 | |
We can only go forward. | 0:23:45 | 0:23:47 | |
Mum, I thought I'd lost you. | 0:23:47 | 0:23:50 | |
I've got to make the days count. | 0:23:50 | 0:23:52 | |
I want you to come with me, Franny. | 0:23:52 | 0:23:55 | |
You're in a rut, dear, and I can't die knowing you haven't lived. | 0:23:55 | 0:24:00 | |
How did you get this? | 0:24:01 | 0:24:02 | |
Payment in kind. | 0:24:04 | 0:24:06 | |
-And I was very kind! -Ugh! | 0:24:08 | 0:24:11 | |
PHONE RINGS | 0:24:11 | 0:24:13 | |
Oh. Oh, God! | 0:24:13 | 0:24:15 | |
Hello? Yes. | 0:24:17 | 0:24:19 | |
Oh, I see. | 0:24:21 | 0:24:23 | |
External candidate. OK. | 0:24:23 | 0:24:25 | |
Feedback? | 0:24:25 | 0:24:27 | |
Actually, I can't. My mum's sick and I need some personal time. | 0:24:30 | 0:24:34 | |
-So I'll see you next term. -And she won't be a virgin by then! | 0:24:34 | 0:24:38 | |
We're intertwingled, you and I. | 0:24:42 | 0:24:45 | |
After all, you came out of my fanny, Franny. | 0:24:45 | 0:24:49 | |
OK? | 0:25:01 | 0:25:02 | |
So, no drugs, no brushes with the law and no embarrassing me. | 0:25:06 | 0:25:11 | |
Ha-ha! Woohoo! | 0:25:14 | 0:25:16 | |
Carpe bloody diem! | 0:25:16 | 0:25:20 | |
# Break another little bit of my heart now, darling | 0:25:20 | 0:25:22 | |
# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah | 0:25:22 | 0:25:24 | |
# Have another little piece of my heart now, baby | 0:25:24 | 0:25:30 | |
# You know you got it, child If it makes you feel good. # | 0:25:30 | 0:25:36 |
