Episode 2 Bucket

You went way too soon.

And I...

I never really knew you, did I?

Oh, Mum, I don't know what to say.

Well, say whatever you feel, dear.

Well, I feel weird! Who is this again?!

Brian Jones, from The Rolling Stones.

Poor Brian went in '69,

which is how I always remember him.

-You see...

-I get it, Mum.

Ugh.

There.

I always meant to do that.

Then I'm glad you did, Mum.

I hope it was the right Brian Jones.

This programme contains some strong language

Well done.

I don't think you've ever said that to me before, Mum.

What?

Sorry, dear, talking to myself.

"Well done on your incredible achievements."

That's what I wrote in a letter to my future self

and put it in the time capsule.

That's what we're going to dig up?

I thought you said it was valuable?

That's the treasure of my student days.

But is it worth actual money, Mum?

My precious capsule.

It's my legacy, really.

Well, isn't that me?

Of course, dear.

But I can put this on eBay!

Time to cash in.

It's for the future, to fund my bucket and to shoot for the moon!

Now, Mum, we discussed this - you are not doing a human cannon.

I know, but we are going skydiving.

Mum, you're 70 with a terminal illness.

No more of that, thank you!

Let's focus on today and unearthing my hoard.

OK, well, what else is in there?

If memory serves, there's a first edition Silvia Plath,

a gonk that looks like Lulu, a Stones record and a VIP.

A VIP?

A very important plaster cast of a Rolling Stones's member.

-What?

-Brian Jones's member to be precise!

No, sorry, I still don't understand.

For goodness' sake, Franny, his cock!

A plaster cast of a famous cock!

Ugh. Since when is that a collectable?

Well, everybody was doing plaster casts in the '60s.

There's a pair of my tits in an attic somewhere.

But my cock is priceless!

Bathe with the baboons.

See the cherry blossom in Japan.

Go for a llama trek.

Now we can do that in Peru or just outside Northampton.

I'll say Peru!

I've been thinking - seeing as I'm on a break from work,

I'd really like to get your memories down before...

Well, we don't want to lose history, do we?

Here you are, ladies.

-This'll set you up for the road.

-Thank you.

-What are you up to today, then?

-We're on a family road trip.

Oh, yeah. I see the resemblance.

Tell me, are you two sisters?

So, going anywhere nice?

Yeah, we're going to my old university actually.

Maybe you've heard of it - Cambridge!

Brains as well as beauty.

You're out of my league, girls.

She's not.

Thanks.

Well, you didn't go to Cambridge.

Well, I didn't try. You said they'd never, ever want me.

You lacked the necessary brio.

Those who can, do - she's a teacher.

And a virgin.

Well, bon appetite. Give me a shout if you need anything else.

What?! He was so friendly.

He just wants a tip.

Here's mine - grab every opportunity.

Like I did at Cambridge.

So, the road to Cambridge.

A cold wind blows over the fens.

SHE BLOWS

Just drink it.

It's hot, Franny.

Tiny sips, like a Geisha.

-Better?

-Yes.

So it's been a full 50 years since last you were there.

Life sort of got in the way.

You see, I knew this would happen. Ugh, Mum.

Mum?

Mum? Oh, God, Mum?!

I... let me... Waiter!

Oh!

Ha-ha.

You can do that again!

-Mum!

-Sorry.

Could you do it to her?

Left for the park and ride, Franny.

So how do we get to your college?

There's only one way to get around Cambridge.

Get a move on.

For fuck's sake.

Good for your thighs, love.

They need help.

Morning.

Well done.

Well, thank God that's over.

Yeah, I felt every cobblestone in my undercarriage.

It wasn't all bad.

So here we are at your old college.

Are you really going to record everything I say?

Well, yes, because a thing of the past won't become

a fact of history unless we record it.

First comes knowledge,

then understanding, and, of course, interpretation.

I mean, maybe I could make your stories more interesting.

I could write a blog or a book.

SHE SNORES

Have you finished boring on?

It's not boring, it's all about you.

Oh, well, now that is interesting.

MUSIC: Astral Weeks by Van Morrison

Let's go get this time capsule.

Yes. And we will...

just as soon as I remember where I buried it.

Before I came here I was just a plain, fat,

unfulfilled sort of person.

Very much like you are now, Franny.

But I was inspired.

This place is a testament to greatness and it says...

Keep off the grass?

I can do anything I like on the grass.

I am an alumna.

OK, Mum, so, talk me through a typical day of the student you.

Er...

Shakespeare before breakfast, toss off Chaucer by 11...

and then I'd sprint stark naked round the quad

before the last chimes of 12.

-Why?

-It was the swinging '60s.

Ban the bomb, make love on a bicycle, go to war on an egg.

I had all the badges...

I put them in the capsule.

Did you put it somewhere here?

No.

We went to the river that day.

The things I put in my punt.

Yeah, but what about the people? You know, the great minds you met.

I was the brightest star of my year.

Clever chaps used to scale the walls to get to me,

like moths to a flame.

You mean like who?

Prince Charles.

Stephen Hawking.

Wow, you met Stephen Hawking?

He blew my mind...

..so I returned the favour.

Now, I'm not saying that's why he never walked again, but...

-Mum!

-You don't need to be coy here.

Must be 5,000 virgins in the maths department alone!

All you had to do in my day was ask nicely.

Excuse me, are you interested?

You see?

In studying at the college?

Done that, been there.

Soiled the T-shirt.

Wow, did you know this, Mum?

I knew everything, everyone! I WAS Cambridge.

Mary Tash works here. Mary Tash!

Never heard of her.

Eminent historian, prolific tweeter.

Now that is a great mind.

I've read all of her books. Well, the TV tie-ins.

I should have brought one, got it signed.

Ah, now, my first edition Plath was signed.

If only I could find it.

If I did something like this,

I need never go back to teach at that school.

What do you think, Mum?

I think we're warm but not hot.

No, about post-graduate study. Me, here.

I think if you can't face feedback from your secondary school,

I'm not sure you're going to like the rigours of Cambridge.

-Do you?

-I do have a degree.

Yes, but this is a little different from your Lego brick place.

Redbrick! Which you would know if you'd ever visited.

Ah, nothing to see.

Me?

My graduation?

Whereas this...

Well, it's magical.

It's just a university, Mum, it's not Hogwarts.

Yes, but it's not for everyone.

Come along now. It's all coming back to me.

Summer madness, exams looming,

lapping up Madam Bovary in the President's Garden.

Oh.

Look, I just want to find out a bit more, OK, seeing as we're here.

I'll get a drink then, seeing as we're here.

Sorry, the bar's closed.

I'm an alumna. I can help myself.

What do you want, a picture?

Can I have one of these?

If you're coming to one of the seminars.

Er, yeah.

-Subject?

-History, I guess.

-1215.

-Magna Carta.

I set this place on fire, literally, with all those bras I was burning.

1967.

Flaming joss-stick in one hand,

polyester demi-cup in the other, and voila,

feminism.

No need to thank me, girls.

So, Mum, listen, it only costs 10k to do a post-grad.

10 grand?!

-It was free in my day.

-Oh, everything was free in your day.

Who can forget the '60s? My generation broke the rules.

And left my generation the bill, which is 10K.

But if the time capsule is really worth what you think it is, then...

Then we'll go skydiving over the Grand Canyon, natch.

Or maybe this could become a research project.

I thought it was all about me?

And Mary Tash might even teach me.

-What?

-She's basically totally amazing.

Who is this Mary Tash you're creaming over?

The college president. Look.

Mary...

-..Tish.

-Tash. Did you ever meet her?

You know what they say,

if you can remember the '60s then you weren't really there.

-What?

-Right, capsule.

See you at the seminar.

-Er...

-You're not serious?

-I want what you had.

-Well, you can't have it!

-Why not?

We've been through all this.

Is that a maybe?

Yeah. Maybe I will come to the seminar.

And maybe I'll come to Cambridge too.

And maybe I'll be the brightest star in my year.

For God's sake!

Is there a loo nearby?

This apple fell very far from the tree.

Not a single promotion after 12 years in the same school.

It's hopeless, really. We won't be sticking round for the talk.

It's cruel to encourage her.

Maybe she'd have been better off as a breeder.

But there's the tragedy - not a sausage.

Unless you...

RECORDER BEEPS

'Twas early summer. Stones had played.

I'd taken that plaster cast.

We dined al fresco...

..and threw our lunchboxes into the river.

-Privileged littering.

-Sort of goodbye to all that.

-You getting this?

-Yes.

The time capsule was part of a dare.

We broke in here at dead of night.

Maybe it opens from the other side, Mum.

Any idiot can see that, Franny.

Well, I'll go over.

The wall?

Huh. You?

Yeah, I'm not completely useless you know.

No!

You're going to have to help me.

You're facing the wrong way.

Yeah, but I don't know what to do.

Take the leap.

Agh!

Oh, shit.

Oh.

-Are you all right, dear?

-No!

Shall we get up now?

My knee stings. I can't even fall off a wall properly.

I'm sorry I'm such a let-down, Mum.

Why are you saying all this?

-You said it!

-No, I didn't!

Er...

TAPE: Hopeless, really. Hopeless, really. Hopeless...

Oh. That wasn't me.

-Why don't you help me?

-Come along, then.

Shall we get the capsule?

I never succeed, never win.

Never! Not even like a Blue Peter badge.

I wrote in so many times.

Yes.

-I never posted them.

-What?

Why?

I always needed the jiffy bags.

And I was saving you from inevitable disappointment.

By not sending them, you were guaranteeing my disappointment.

Is this another way I've supposedly ruined your life?

Where are you going? My capsule!

I'm not digging with an open wound.

It's a tiny graze!

This is out of bounds I'm afraid.

How many fucking times?! I'm an alumna.

Yes, but this is the President's Garden.

Is there first aid nearby?

Well, my room's just over there. I've got plenty of wet wipes.

It's changed a bit, but I remember these old rooms.

If walls could talk, eh?

They'd say, "Stop stealing."

Perhaps you'll get the authentic student experience after all.

Well, I don't think I need stitches.

Mum?

-Mum!

-She's gone back to the gardens.

-Oh!

-With my trousers.

-Yes, apparently so.

Wait. Did she give you that?

Er, yes, she did, er...

Oh, God, I see what's happened here.

-What?

-She wants you to have sex with me.

I really don't want to.

I mean you're so much older than me and I've got

-a big maths exam tomorrow.

-Yeah, OK, I get it.

And I'm gay.

That really should have been your opener.

Yeah.

Sorry.

I could kill her.

Oh, I shouldn't have said that.

My mum is actually dying and she has this insane bucket list.

That's why we're here, but it makes it worse somehow -

this inventory of all the things you'll never do,

like make her proud.

I'm so sorry.

Still, it's nice to see the place.

Got the tote.

-Well, hmm.

-Goodbye.

Thanks for all the wet wipes.

No, really, erm, I've got loads.

Hmm.

There you are! That was so embarrassing.

I should say so, crying over a grazed knee.

Er, no - you paying that boy to sleep with me.

-I did no such thing.

-You gave him 20 quid!

So he'd keep schtum. I was going back in the President's Garden!

Paying someone to sleep with you?

What kind of a mother would that make me?

They're the ones who should be paying.

People do that you know - put their virginity on eBay.

I can't tell if you're joking.

Now give me my trousers back!

Tell the Beeb we don't play second fiddle to Attenborough's penguins.

And RSVP that Nobel lot - lovely party bags.

-Mary Tash!

-Hello.

-It is an honour.

Is it indeed? Then perhaps you could have dressed for the occasion?

Oh, God, yeah. I was just with my mum and she took my trousers,

but anyway...

-Good God, Morganstein!

-Hello, Mary!

It's you! Oh, 50 bloody years!

What, you knew each other?

The funniest thing.

I was going through my archives - Woman's Hour are doing a feature -

and I found a photograph of the two of us together.

I must have conjured you up!

-Why didn't you say, Mum?

-And this is the progeny.

Wandering around the hall with no trousers on.

The apple does not fall far from the tree, then.

Oh, Mim, Mim. Tea?

-Yes!

-We really must he going.

No, no, not till you've had tea. Oh, Mim, Mim, 50 bloody years!

This is incredible.

Bit of a tip, I'm afraid.

Not ready to digitalise yet.

See, you know they can watch you through this webcam?

-Who?

-Americans, government, perverts.

If they're not all one and the same thing.

Where did I put this photograph?

Oh, this has been very jolly, but we really must go now.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I just had it.

Come on, have some more cake.

Seem to remember you always liked a good mouthful.

Oh, I've heard it all.

Ah, here it is!

-Ooh, is this your graduation picture?

-Oh, that's a good one.

Sent down in shame just before, eh, Morgs?

-Sorry, what?

-Booted out. Far too wild.

Mum?

You didn't graduate?

Oh, well, if they'd handed out BAs for blowies,

she'd have got a double first.

But as for the old books, well, er, what do we say, er...

Lacked the necessary brio.

Is that right?

-Hmm.

-So what brought you back?

-We're doing Mum's bucket list actually.

-Ah!

Oh.

Oh, what a shame, I am sorry.

Big C, is it?

We came to get her time capsule, but, well...

I think I buried it in the President's Garden.

Well, I'm the bloody president, so let's go and get it!

-Eureka!

-Huh.

Here you go, Mum.

The moment of truth.

But where's my first edition Plath?

My...my gonk?!

My Stones VIP.

Ugh.

Is that Brian Jones's penis?

That's a fossilised banana.

Jamaican, I should say.

But...

But what happened?

I remember the picnic, the punting, the Pooh Sticks.

Mum, do you think perhaps you chucked your time capsule

into the river and buried your lunchbox?

Funny how things are never quite as you remember.

Still, you can't always get what you want.

What?!

We'll find a bin on the way.

And on the subject of rubbish...

I did get in to Cambridge.

I just fuzzied the details of how I left.

Why did you say that stuff to me, Mum?

Why did you always stop me from even trying?

It was a sort of protection.

-From what?

-Disappointment.

Yours and mine.

What if you failed?

What if you didn't?

So all your fears and frustrations you just projected onto me?

It's called parenting, dear.

The secret's out.

All my life I have felt second-rate, not quite good enough.

And now I know that you aren't either,

I feel a bit better actually.

-Well, I'm glad you enjoyed something on this trip.

-Hmm.

Don't worry about what's happened.

Always ask, "What's next?"

And, Franny, I really don't think you would have got in, you know.

MUSIC: You Can't Always Get What You Want by The Rolling Stones

# You can't always get what you want

# You can't always get what you want

# But if you try sometimes

# Well you might find

# You get what you need

# I went down to the demonstration

# To get my fair share of abuse

# Singing We're gonna vent our frustration

# If we don't we're gonna blow a 50-amp fuse

# You can't always get what you want

# You can't always get what you want

# You can't always get what you want

# But if you try sometimes, you just might find

# You get what you need... #