Episode 3 Bucket

APPLAUSE

Be ready.

This programme contains some strong language

A COMPERE SPEAKS, INDISTINCT

APPLAUSE

ENTRANCE MUSIC PLAYS

Whee!

CROWD GASPS, WOLF WHISTLES

MIM LAUGHS

CHEERING

Go, go, go!

Did it!

Did it!

Well, I always wanted to do that.

Streak at a major sporting event.

It was Crufts, Mum.

And they loved it!

MIM SINGS THE WEDDING MARCH

-Why are you so excited?

-Because this is a special occasion.

But you don't believe in marriage.

No, I'm a bird of paradise,

not to be caged by the tricks and traps of convention.

Or responsibility.

But other people's weddings can be life-affirming.

Free food, free booze.

Free lovin'. If you're lucky.

-Maybe we should just send apologies.

-No, dear.

Oh, you're such a foji.

It's fogey. And since when does...

Fo-JI.

A fearer of joining in.

But, Mum...

But, Franny - this is probably the last wedding I shall ever go to.

At this rate, I'll be going down the aisle before you - in a wooden box.

-Mum, are you going to tell Pat that you're, you know, dying...

-No!

And you mustn't either.

It's Gemma's wedding, it's not about me.

That's...

That's really very noble of you, Mum.

You know how Pat likes everything to be just so?

Perfect, ordered, calm.

That's why she needs me here. DOORBELL

I'm going to raise hell.

Get stuffing.

12 to a bag, no more, no less.

Pat...

Oh.

This seam isn't straight, Val.

I think you are going to have to do it again.

We're building the fairytale, ladies.

One favour bag at a time.

Sounds like a busy night, Pat.

Night? This is a culmination of months,

dare I say, a lifetime's work for Gemma's special day.

Yes, it's exhausting, but what mother wouldn't dedicate herself to

her only daughter's happiness?

Everyone said yes.

We got all the Rotary.

And the CB.

Lots of pressies, then.

Oh, we don't think about that.

-What did you get?

-Unusual to request a loo seat.

It's mahogany.

Oh, Fran, I meant to ask you about your little promotion.

I'm taking some time off work, actually.

Spending it with Mum.

-Really?

-I told you about my bucket list on my birthday, Pat.

Did you?

Every brain cell is just filled with wedding, I'm afraid.

We're going to swim with sharks...

and ride a Harley down Route 66.

-How's that for mother/daughter bonding?

-Sounds very lively.

I took Gemma for high tea at the Ritz.

Aw, I'd love to do that, Mum.

-Tea at the Ritz?

-I'm barred.

Well, with all your plans, I'm surprised you made the detour.

Oh, there's plenty I can do with my bucket at a wedding.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, caterers. Hello?

Are you chewing?

I tell you, if one of my amuse-bouches is missing,

there will be merry hell.

And don't forget, mine's a halal meal, Pat.

OK, what are you planning?

"Raise hell"?

"Plenty I can do at a wedding with my bucket"?

What is on your list, exactly?

Well now, when the vicar asks if there's any known impediment...

Don't.

I'm not really going to stop the wedding.

I'm waiting for the reception.

A roomful of tables, seating the great and good.

Whatever it is, don't do it.

I'm a little out of practice,

but it's all in the wrist action and the sudden surprise!

Crisis averted.

28lb of smoked salmon, liberated from the backup freezer.

Phew!

Oh, this sounds good - whale humping in Iceland.

Did I tell you?

Fiance Paul has booked a most magnificent honeymoon.

European tour.

Ooh.

Five-star.

I'd love to do that, tour Europe.

Or a surgical safari in South Africa.

Stroke a giraffe and have your bozzies hoicked.

Two for the price of one.

There you are, Pat.

Oh!

-I think you've earned a little drink.

-Ooh!

Not you, Mim. Finish your favours.

Go on, go and join the girls in the kitchen.

-Oh, no, I'm fine here, I can help...

-No.

Don't be shy.

Come on, I'm sure they'll all be very glad to see you.

RAUCOUS LAUGHTER

Hey...aw!

-We thought you were the stripper!

-Fran!

You haven't met Brona and Beth.

This is Fran, she's my second cousin.

She's, like, the olden days.

-I think she means I LIKE the olden days.

-Aw!

-It's kind of both, though, isn't it?

-Well, have a shot to catch up.

To Gemma's last night of freedom.

Bottoms up!

Seriously, though, Gem,

you do not want to get pregnant for at least a year.

Life over.

Hit me.

But you do love your kids, though, right?

-Oh, GOD I love my kids!

-They're my whole world, they mean everything to me!

-I would kill for my kids, kill for them.

-Kill, kill!

-How are you doing, Gemma? Nervous?

-Yes.

But my mum got me this book.

Time for games to relax you.

Drinking games.

To relax you more.

Right, I have never...?

Had...

a...

foursome. Drink!

BETH AND BRONA CACKLE

But it's my party trick.

I whip everything off in one go.

Put it down.

Nobody's interested.

Well, your husband might be.

He was always excited by what I could tug.

Where is he, anyway?

Over the road.

The menfolk are staying in another house tonight.

Shame.

He'd have liked this.

I know what you're trying to do, but I shall not be riled.

Now.

Ribbons.

Bags.

Tie!

Psst, Val!

Look!

SHE GIGGLES

Look!

Whoo!

What, you've never had sex in a mill?

Wait, you haven't touched your shots all game.

OMG, Fran.

Have you never...?

THEY GASP

Oh...!

Get it out, laugh, judge,

you can't say anything my mother hasn't already.

That is actually...

awesome.

You must be a special soul, Fran.

I wish I'd waited.

I could be living the dream now.

Curating my own gallery in Denmark.

Instead I define myself by my sexuality.

It's a precious, sacred part of you.

I thought you just lost it if you rode a horse?

Integrity.

Self-respect.

Mind, body...

-BOTH:

-..impenetrable cocoon.

That was the title of her A-level art piece.

-I mean, it's not that I don't want to...

-No, no, no.

No. You will know when the time is right.

-Don't waste it.

-No.

Don't give it away.

Because they'll take it for granted

-and then they'll ruin it.

-Ruin.

Ruin it.

You guys slept with your husbands before you got married, though, right?

-Oh, first date.

-Yeah, straightaway, yeah.

But here is to Franny, true to her fucking self!

Love it.

Thanks, guys, but it's Gemma's day.

TEXT MESSAGE

Get your coats, girls, the taxi's here.

I say taxi, it's just Jim in his Prius.

Dick. Come on.

Bye, Auntie Pat!

You help yourselves to breakfast, girls.

I have a skin-tight schedule to fit in.

Fran, please?

Oh, very strong spreadsheet work here, Pat.

-Yes, well, you fail to plan...

-And you plan to fail.

That's what I always say.

It's Gemma's day.

There is no time for unknown unknowns.

Ah. Where IS my mum?

Ugh.

In disgrace.

She tried to break into the men's house last night.

Cat flap wasn't big enough, fortunately.

I apologise for everything my mother has done.

And might do.

Oh, there's no need, Fran.

There are no problems today.

Well, they're lovely.

-I wanted a splash of red.

-Where's Dad?

Out of the way. He's doing nine holes with the vicar.

-Fran, would you?

-Whoa!

-What's in this, weights?

-Yes.

Gemma's wearing a strapless, we've been toning for weeks.

Show Fran.

-ALL:

-Ooh.

You've really thought of everything.

And you're all so...functional.

Who knows, maybe if you'd been my mum, Pat,

I'D be the head of HR and getting married now.

Well, well, well, this IS cosy.

I heard you.

So, Perfect Pat can flip a kipper and sew a napkin,

but can she do this?

Ta-da!

Oh. What am I getting wrong?

What are you doing?!

This is my party trick.

Obviously needs some work!

You can't upset me.

You can't upset me. It's Gemma's day.

Gemma's day.

-CHAMPAGNE POPS

-Wahey!

Bubbles for the Princess.

Well, it's five o'clock somewhere, right?

I don't really want this.

It's a statement look.

Extensions?

Still in the trouser press.

Franster, can you carry on with the tanning?

I must say, Gem, I wasn't expecting to enjoy any of this.

But last night was so much fun.

Such a great big day ahead!

And it doesn't end there, does it?

With your amazing European honeymoon.

All those historic sites and monuments...

SHE WAILS

Oh, shit, Gemma, what is it?

I don't want to do it!

Erm... Shall I get your mum?

No!

-You've got to help me, Fran!

-Me?!

What about your fiance, Paul?

-Maybe you should talk to him?

-No, it's bad luck.

Fran, you've got to help me.

Please.

Pat, who am I sitting with?

-I can't seem to find my name.

-No?

Well, that's because it's not there.

What?

Didn't you read your invitation? You're coming to the evening do.

Evening do?!

That's right.

Don't you finger my fascinator and say, "That's right."

It's all been arranged.

You made us stuff favours.

Yes, you're family.

But I have some very important people coming today.

So that's why you've been un-rile-able.

Smug you had me relegated to the evening do.

Well...

And that is precisely what I wanted to avoid.

-A scene.

-Scene?!

-I'm the life and soul!

-You are a liability.

After the way you behaved at my wedding,

we had to disinfect the dance floor.

You put me in the corner.

No-one puts Mim in the corner!

Oh-ho, you're jealous!

Jealous? Of this fairytale bullshit?

Of my perfect life and family compared with your car crash!

It's Fran I feel sorry for.

Well, just as well that poor creature will never marry.

Who would walk her down the aisle? Eh, Mim?

I was a single mother!

And that is no-one's fault but your own.

SHE POURS WINE

Is...everything OK?

Everything's fine.

Except your face.

Pat...

We might have a bit of a problem.

Here.

-And if that doesn't work, try Swarfega.

-Mm...

Er, it's Gemma.

She's a bit upset.

I have a cake to box up.

-Well, I think, maybe, she doesn't want to go through with this?

-Oh!

-Too late for that now.

-But can't you do something?

-Something?!

I have done everything, everything!

Everything is planned and perfect.

-Do you understand?

-Yes, but...

If you think I am going to waste ten gallons of parfait and turn away

the county's finest because Gemma's changed her mind and

feels a bit upset, you are wrong!

This is my day!

I was having such a good time.

Gone to shit now.

Humiliating.

Evening do!

Doesn't seem right that Gemma's so unhappy.

Well, I'm unhappy. Missing out on the perfect occasion.

Oh, come on, Mum. You said you don't believe in this fairytale bullshit.

Well, no.

You want a happy ending, go get a massage.

I'm taking this.

Poor Gemma. I think she's been dreading this wedding for ages.

I wish we could do something.

Maybe I can make one bucket dream out of this shipwreck. Look.

"Stop a wedding with an impediment"? Well, that's quite a big thing.

I'm dying!

I WANT to do big things.

Look, maybe I didn't give you domestic bliss,

but I gave you freedom, didn't I?

So don't deny it to Gemma now.

Come on, Franny, please.

Get us to the church in time to ruin everything!

MUSIC: Rebel Rock Me by The Pretenders

ENGINE DIES

Is it not working?

Christ!

-What am I meant to do?

-Well, go and find somebody.

-You mean I'VE got to stop Gemma's wedding?

-I do mean that. Go on, get...

Yes... What am I going to do? I'm going to get out.

Go and do it!

Christ.

SHE GROANS

Ugh!

Why didn't you go on?

Because I don't know where the fuck I'm going.

Well, that's just defeatist.

No focus.

It's too late.

Oh, well.

"Oh, well"?

Didn't you always say marriage was a life sentence?

She only needs to serve half of it, and then she'll get the duplex.

You know, I heard what Pat said.

She has no right to judge you, she's the monster.

And you know what?

-What?

-I get it, Mum.

You never married,

you don't believe in the tricks and traps of convention.

Well, fair enough.

That wasn't why.

I never married because of you.

What?

Oh, I had offers.

Everyone from Cliff Richard to the Aga Khan.

But it wouldn't have been right with you here.

No.

You are my longest relationship, dear.

Huh.

Have you ever been in love, Mum?

Yeah.

It doesn't last.

Unlike herpes.

How long did the AA say they'd be?

I thought YOU were calling them.

See, I don't give a fuck about appearances.

That's lucky.

-You know, we're not all that different, you and I.

-Oh, really?

Well, I'm not a pedantic virgin.

And I don't wear my bra on my head.

-We are true to ourselves.

-Yeah.

So don't worry, Franny.

It'll happen for you.

Love or herpes?

It's never too late for either.

What I'm saying is, I get it too.

You are who you are.

VAN PULLS UP

Ah.

DOOR OPENS

MIM GIGGLES Hi!

And I am who I am!

MUSIC: Kisses Of Fire by ABBA

Oh, bollocks!

We missed the buffet!

What's wrong with Pat?

Hmm.

Pat?

Oh, you made it, then.

It went perfectly, of course. All of it.

I'm glad.

Just as planned.

My life's work.

It's done.

She's married.

So why the misery mouth?

What am I supposed to do now?

If you'd been a liability and fucked your daughter up,

like me, you'd have a companion for life.

My life is over.

Oh, I don't know.

Why not start nagging for grandchildren?

Grandchildren?

Start calling on the honeymoon.

Yes.

Yes, I could download an ovulation app.

Time my calls precisely.

GEMMA: Fran!

Whoa!

Is that why you've never...?

-Oh, no, this is your fake tan.

-Oh!

Sorry.

But, you know, it's fine, whatever,

because Paul and I have decided to be very open-minded.

No, really, I'm not...

-I really need to thank you, Fran.

-Thank me?

-We nearly stopped your whole...

-Yes.

You told me to talk to my fiance, Paul.

Sorry, husband!

I'm married!

Whoo!

But I took your advice and I told him how unhappy I was.

But, Gem, if you're unhappy...

-About the honeymoon!

-What?

Just couldn't do it, a boring trip around Europe, I was dreading it.

I hate old things.

-No offence.

-None taken.

Now we're going on a two-week all-in to the Maldives.

Like NORMAL people.

Whoohoo!

Congratulations, Gem, I'm very happy for you.

Wait, I want to give you something.

Just let me get rid of this.

Fuck these weights, right?

Oi!

All the single ladies!

That's bouquet time! Form an orderly queue.

Come on, come on, Franny, we saved this bit for you.

-Franny, are you ready?

-Come on, get your arms up!

Never too late!

Not her!

Oh!

CROWD GASPS

She's down!

She's a sprayer.

Mum?!

-SOBBING:

-By dose!

It's only just paid for.

Aw, easy now, Auntie Pat.

Head back.

-Clear the way, people.

-I'm drowning.

-Such a shame.

-I'm drowning!

MUSIC: Don't Get Me Wrong by The Pretenders

-For you.

-What?

SHE GASPS

The Europe trip?

Wow!

Gemma, I don't know what to say.

Thank you.

You'll appreciate it, right?

Paris, Venice...

Who you going to take?

My mum.

Aw! Yeah, of course.

I did it!

-I did it!

-Did what?

My tablecloth trick!

Yeah.

Now, Mum, look, a grand tour of Europe.

-That's something real for the bucket list, huh?

-But I did it!

-Just because no-one saw it, doesn't mean it didn't happen.

-OK, Mum.

-If you think you did, then...

-Right, nothing for it, then.

I'm going to streak again!