Episode 4 Bucket


Episode 4

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Transcript


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This programme contains very strong language.

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-Buggering hell!

-That's a must-see. I can't find it in the guidebook.

0:00:060:00:09

No, Mum, it's the traffic.

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We've barely moved three inches.

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Keep calm, dear.

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Have a biscuit.

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CAR HORNS BLARE

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Caribbean Crumbler.

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What makes it Caribbean?

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A dash of rum and some desecrated coconut.

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You mean desiccated.

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-No.

-Ugh!

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Still, the end justifies the means.

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French Revolution, Mum.

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I'll give you the full lecture in Paris.

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I'm glad you're excited, dear.

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I really am. A grand tour.

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Prepaid. The empires, the art,

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the big questions of Europe then and now.

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Yes. Do we still get duty-free?

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I think it's going to be something really special to remember.

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Because I know you don't want to talk about it, but...

0:00:580:01:02

-What?

-The C word.

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-I've never had a problem talking cun...

-The other one, Mum.

0:01:050:01:08

Cancer.

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Why? Who's got cancer?

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Mum!

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Rollmop?

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This programme contains very strong language

0:01:270:01:34

Frannie, what's the matter?

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You're surprised, upset, confused?

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How many syllables? What does it rhyme with?

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Oh, you're angry.

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-FRAN GRUNTS

-Sit there.

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I'll go and put the kettle on.

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FRAN BREATHES LOUDLY THROUGH HER NOSE

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Here, eat your feelings, dear.

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Look...

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Perhaps I shouldn't have let you run away with that detail.

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We're in post-factual times.

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And it was hard getting a word in edgeways with you fan-splaining...

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-FRAN CONTINUES SQUASHING CAKES

-..every Saxon settlement.

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-Ha!

-I just wanted to spend time with you, Frannie.

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Didn't you say that the end justifies the means?

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Don't you DARE use history against me!

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But it was against us!

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I was trying to fix it.

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-That's all.

-That's all?!

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We were just starting to enjoy it.

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And each other.

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And we still can. Look.

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Unbelievable!

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There is a silver lining to all this, you know.

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I am not dying.

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Frannie. You're part of me.

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Here we go. You always say that.

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Well, look where it's got me.

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I didn't have the life I thought I would either.

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The things I missed out on...

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You don't get sympathy.

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You lied.

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So what?

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That's what we do when things are difficult,

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when they're hard and painful.

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This whole trip has been about pretending you weren't a shit mum.

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That's the truth.

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Well, here's some truth for you.

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You WERE too fat for the ballet club.

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The cat DIDN'T move to Brighton...

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Time to go.

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-Frannie!

-No!

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The things you say and do have consequences, Mum.

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So, cancer isn't going to kill you,

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but I just might.

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What are you saying?

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I'm saying, congratulations.

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You've got your life back.

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I'm going to get mine.

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DOOR SLAMS

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SHE SIGHS

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We had to cover your absence with a supply teacher.

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-It was half term.

-It was, but then you didn't come back for five weeks.

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Could we call it a sabbatical?

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I know you've had some personal issues.

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Don't worry about the postcard.

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I intercepted it.

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Some rather strong words to the Chair of the Governors.

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SHE GASPS

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Oh, Mum!

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I am sorry you didn't get the promotion.

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How is the new Head of Department?

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He's very good. Yes.

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Very good.

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Very hands on with the Sixth Form.

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Great(!)

0:04:520:04:53

Now, Fran...

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..I have always liked you.

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-You have?

-I've always felt we had a connection.

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Me, geography, you, history.

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The humanities.

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Now that you don't work here any more, Fran...

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..would you like to mudlark with me?

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-I beg your pardon?

-We could go for dinner.

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Who knows?

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Uh... I shall have to think about that one, Sir.

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-Nigel.

-Sir Nigel.

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There's been a lot to take in.

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-At home.

-Yes, of course.

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-Here.

-No pressure.

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And, em, I have to find a job.

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You could always tutor for a bit.

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OK. That's enough for today, I think.

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Yeah. Right.

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MOBILE PHONE BLEEPS

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# Hurts to be around you... #

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Nope!

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# I can't stand you lying... #

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Frannie, I'm doing your favourite - moussaka, no mince,

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I'm going to dice up a quail.

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And life's too short for bechamel.

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I'm using Delia's cheat recipe, and I know you love ready-made custard.

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I'm making enough for two.

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LINE CUTS OUT

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Oh, bum!

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Answering machines.

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# What is it you think I need?

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# Everything, it's not true

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# Give it all up for you... #

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I've been to some terrible places in my time.

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But being sent to Coventry is the worst.

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OK, so I told her I was dying.

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Technically, we all are.

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Big deal!

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You fancy coming to Norfolk with me to catch crabs?

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# Lord, please, follow me home

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# Cos I'm down on my knees and I feel alone

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# Home

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# Got nowhere to call home... #

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Frannie?

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# No-one to call home

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# When I'm out on the town, I get what I need

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# No-one waiting around for this tumbleweed at home

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# Got nowhere to call home

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# No-one to call me home... #

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Well, I guess it's just you and me now.

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Right.

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I think Hitler's foreign policy was possibly more than "a wind-up".

0:09:040:09:09

-We'll put "crumb" then, innit?

-What?

0:09:090:09:12

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

0:09:120:09:15

That is your ringtone?! Tradge!

0:09:150:09:17

Just focus on the essay, please.

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For real, is that your phone?

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I had that when I was in year three.

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It's perfectly functional, thank you.

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I just haven't upgraded the operating thingy.

0:09:270:09:30

Do you...?

0:09:310:09:32

This is some jank kit, man.

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Password?

0:09:360:09:37

Like I want to read your phone, Miss. You've got nothing I ain't.

0:09:390:09:44

Except for, like, a million missed calls.

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Oh, from my mother.

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Can you block her?

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But it ain't her ringing you.

0:09:490:09:50

-It's a Mr Merdon.

-Just, give that back.

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Are you blue-balling him?

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Just get on with your work.

0:09:560:09:58

Hold the goddess pose.

0:10:030:10:05

Breathing deeply down into the pelvic chakra.

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Before moving on to the heart.

0:10:120:10:14

Now, gently into your uttanasana.

0:10:160:10:20

-What?

-The uttanasana.

0:10:200:10:22

Bend forward, feel yourself unblocking.

0:10:220:10:26

MIM BREAKS WIND

0:10:290:10:31

Fran?

0:10:550:10:56

Fran!

0:11:120:11:13

I didn't know you were so fast on your feet.

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Only short bursts.

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Sorry.

0:11:180:11:19

I really couldn't wait to speak to you.

0:11:190:11:21

Listen, Mr Merdon.

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-Nigel.

-Merdon.

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Maybe I could potentially like you, you're so tenacious.

0:11:240:11:28

No, Fran, there's a situation at school.

0:11:280:11:31

Oh.

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-What?

-You remember the new appointment I told you about,

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-that got the promotion?

-Oh, yeah, "very hands-on".

0:11:350:11:38

A little too hands-on, as it turns out.

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He's run off to Belgium, with a sixth former.

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-The job is yours.

-When can I start?

0:11:450:11:48

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.

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And even those who can obsessively remember every detail

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from a misspelled birthday card in 1987

0:12:050:12:08

to a jibe about facial hair in 2017 are doomed to

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relive it until they understand it.

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Yes, history will set you free.

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I've finally done it.

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Sounds like it. I got your distress calls.

0:12:400:12:43

Oh, Pat. I've been at my wits' end.

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Well, luckily I am not reading this month's book club choice

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on principle.

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So I am free to come along and hear exactly what you've done wrong now.

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I'll just get my hat.

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Hat? No, no!

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We do this at my country club. The dress code is very specific.

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But it's a Robin Hood fun day.

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Off!

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That was a bloody stupid thing to say.

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So how can I make things right with her?

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What would you do?

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Gemma and I have hardly had a cross word.

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Let alone a set-to about a faked terminal illness.

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I tried to keep things going.

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Carpe diem.

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I even tried yoga to have my chakras re-pointed.

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But right in the middle of it I was gripped by this terrible pain.

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Probably indigestion.

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My Ronnie has been a martyr to reflux for years.

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That's why I put him in the guest room.

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But it didn't go, Pat.

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And ever since I've had this dreadful guilt hanging

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about my solar plexus.

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Well, at least you're being honest now.

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Not about everything.

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What else have you stolen from my house?

0:13:580:14:00

-Nothing.

-Mim, why did you take that?

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Because it's the one thing that I always meant to tell her.

0:14:070:14:10

What can you tell her now, after all this time?

0:14:100:14:13

-But maybe...

-But nothing.

0:14:130:14:14

My advice to you is the same as it was in 1981.

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Don't crash the royal wedding in a white bikini?

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Oh, don't be obtuse, Mim.

0:14:200:14:23

You didn't listen to me then, please listen to me now.

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Leave well alone.

0:14:250:14:28

# What do you say?

0:14:390:14:42

# Is this the time?

0:14:420:14:46

# For one more try... #

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Softly, softly, catchy monkey.

0:14:500:14:55

# What do you say?

0:14:550:14:58

# Is this unwise?

0:14:580:15:02

# To think my fears... #

0:15:020:15:05

Any plans for the weekend?

0:15:070:15:09

Sleep, marking, more sleep.

0:15:090:15:13

Yes, well, as we say in headship, the first terms are the worst.

0:15:130:15:18

-Gallows humour. Fran?

-Yes?

-Frannie!

0:15:190:15:23

What are you doing here?

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You don't answer the phone.

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-You don't reply to my e-mails.

-Well, luckily I was hacked,

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and had to reset my password to something I cannot remember.

0:15:330:15:35

I had to see you, Frannie.

0:15:350:15:37

Look, I don't have time for this, Mum.

0:15:370:15:39

I'm very busy now I'm Head of Department.

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I'm very happy for you, if you are.

0:15:420:15:44

Of course I'm happy.

0:15:440:15:46

Is that why you're here, to ruin it all again?

0:15:460:15:49

No! Do whatever boring job you want, Frannie.

0:15:490:15:53

Please. I just need you to understand something.

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I've only just come to understand it myself.

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You're a liar and a narcissist?

0:15:580:16:00

The whole trip I was trying to tell you a truth.

0:16:020:16:06

I was. But I didn't have much to give you.

0:16:060:16:09

A bit like my tenth birthday, then?

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What did I want? A world atlas.

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What did I get?

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The Kama Sutra in Braille.

0:16:150:16:18

You were always such a prude.

0:16:180:16:20

Oh!

0:16:210:16:23

I don't feel good.

0:16:230:16:24

I think we've done that one.

0:16:240:16:27

Look, I know you hate me right now.

0:16:270:16:30

But I bring this out of love.

0:16:300:16:33

-I have in my hand a piece of paper...

-Oh, don't!

0:16:330:16:37

And Chamberlain said, "I hold in my hand," so get it right.

0:16:370:16:40

I just want peace, Fra...

0:16:400:16:43

SHE COLLAPSES

0:16:450:16:47

Are you really doing this?

0:16:500:16:51

You're so embarrassing!

0:16:510:16:53

I'm walking, Mum.

0:16:530:16:55

-Fran!

-No, leave her.

0:16:550:16:58

She is fine.

0:16:580:17:00

SHE MOANS

0:17:000:17:01

Hi.

0:17:100:17:11

Now, as you know, I can't tutor you any more.

0:17:130:17:16

-Gutted.

-Likewise.

0:17:160:17:17

But one last thing.

0:17:170:17:19

I don't know what you did to my phone, but it's gone weird.

0:17:190:17:22

It doesn't ring or play messages.

0:17:220:17:24

Or, like, you had it on silent.

0:17:270:17:29

-MR MERDON:

-'Hi, Fran, please, call as soon as you can, please.

0:17:320:17:34

'It's your mother. We had to call an ambulance.'

0:17:340:17:37

And...delete.

0:17:370:17:39

That is cold, man.

0:17:390:17:40

You really don't know the half of it.

0:17:400:17:43

Which reminds me.

0:17:430:17:44

Your history essay.

0:17:460:17:48

I just don't get it.

0:17:490:17:50

The Cold War, two superpowers,

0:17:500:17:53

each fearing the other was intent on domination.

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Brought to the brink of mutual destruction by decades of mistrust

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and misunderstanding.

0:18:000:18:02

They should have just got on the blower.

0:18:020:18:03

Well, there was a hotline. Telex machine, really. But...

0:18:030:18:07

Yes, fine.

0:18:070:18:09

Hello...

0:18:140:18:15

Fran.

0:18:190:18:21

-Where is she?

-She was in there.

0:18:210:18:23

Oh.

0:18:320:18:34

Oh! I didn't hate you.

0:18:500:18:52

Not really.

0:18:520:18:54

I loved you.

0:18:570:18:59

I'm very glad to hear it.

0:19:020:19:04

-Mum!

-I told you I was ill.

0:19:040:19:07

What? Have you somehow suddenly got cancer just to prove a point?

0:19:070:19:12

No, it's nothing like that.

0:19:120:19:14

What your mother has is a chronic case of life.

0:19:140:19:17

With added diabetes, cholesterol and high blood pressure.

0:19:170:19:20

-I see.

-Good.

0:19:210:19:23

Because she's not in the best of shape.

0:19:230:19:25

Not getting any younger

0:19:250:19:27

and when trying to do too much on her...own...

0:19:270:19:31

Well, she stopped speaking to me.

0:19:330:19:34

Something's got to give.

0:19:340:19:36

-Well, how long has she got?

-There's no need to panic.

0:19:380:19:41

But I will say this.

0:19:410:19:42

If there are things you want to do -

0:19:430:19:46

do them.

0:19:460:19:47

Frannie...

0:19:520:19:53

Yes, Mum?

0:19:560:19:57

Can I have a biscuit?

0:20:000:20:01

Where's my biscuit?

0:20:080:20:09

Mum, you heard what the doctor said.

0:20:110:20:14

Yeah, yeah, high this, low that.

0:20:140:20:17

No, the other bit.

0:20:170:20:20

-I'm dying?

-Yes.

0:20:200:20:22

-We all are.

-Well, what the fuck are we going to do about it?

0:20:220:20:27

Come on. Let's get out of here.

0:20:270:20:29

-My bucket?

-Your bucket.

0:20:310:20:33

OK, let's do this.

0:20:520:20:54

Bags, check. Passports, check.

0:20:540:20:56

Foul smelling Tupperware, check.

0:20:560:20:59

Mum, check.

0:20:590:21:01

You, me and the open road.

0:21:020:21:04

Where next, right?

0:21:040:21:06

-Frannie...

-Yeah?

0:21:070:21:10

You know I said there was something I wanted to tell you.

0:21:100:21:13

-Yeah.

-Well, I collapsed, and you left me for dead.

0:21:150:21:18

Why have you brought that photo of Gemma and the bunny man?

0:21:200:21:23

It's not Gemma.

0:21:230:21:25

It's you.

0:21:260:21:27

And your father.

0:21:290:21:30

You said he died before I was born.

0:21:310:21:34

It was easier.

0:21:340:21:36

I was a single mum, it was the '80s.

0:21:360:21:39

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

0:21:390:21:41

That's what you said about Betamax, Mum.

0:21:410:21:43

This is my father.

0:21:430:21:44

I know. But it was complicated.

0:21:440:21:47

He was a little bit unreliable.

0:21:480:21:50

A little married.

0:21:510:21:52

Actually, he was rather little.

0:21:540:21:55

You said you barely knew him.

0:21:570:21:59

He had the delicate touch of a librarian.

0:21:590:22:02

Fingering me like a rare manuscript in his little white gloves.

0:22:020:22:06

You said he came and went.

0:22:060:22:09

Well, that bit's true. He never lingered post-coitally.

0:22:090:22:14

I met him then?

0:22:140:22:16

Once or twice, yes.

0:22:160:22:17

So what happened?

0:22:190:22:20

I told him it was all or nothing.

0:22:220:22:24

And he broke my heart.

0:22:250:22:27

I'm sorry.

0:22:290:22:31

You only tore my perineum, dear.

0:22:310:22:33

And so what? He took off?

0:22:340:22:36

We lost touch. Easy to disappear before the internet.

0:22:360:22:41

So there was nothing to tell me.

0:22:420:22:44

Well, not back then...

0:22:440:22:47

Fair enough, I guess.

0:22:470:22:48

And ultimately, so what?

0:22:480:22:50

Never knew him. Never missed him.

0:22:520:22:54

But thanks, Mum.

0:22:550:22:57

I get why you're telling me now.

0:22:570:22:59

-You do?

-It's the last truth, isn't it?

0:23:000:23:03

Well, I'm not sure.

0:23:030:23:05

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel, but that's just it.

0:23:050:23:08

I have got to figure this shit out.

0:23:080:23:10

Blank slate. No issues. Off we go.

0:23:100:23:14

ENGINE REVS So, come on.

0:23:140:23:17

Northern lights? Las Vegas?

0:23:170:23:20

Bareback llama wrestling at Machu bloody Picchu?

0:23:200:23:23

That sounds good.

0:23:250:23:27

And we can do it all on the way.

0:23:270:23:29

What? Way to where?

0:23:290:23:31

Your father.

0:23:310:23:32

I think I know where he is.

0:23:350:23:37

# Never let me go, never let me go

0:23:380:23:40

# And the arms of the ocean are carrying me

0:23:400:23:47

# And all this devotion was rushing out of me

0:23:470:23:53

# And the crashes are heaven for a sinner like me

0:23:530:24:00

# But the arms of the ocean delivered me. #

0:24:000:24:05

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