Episode 1 Burnistoun

This programme contains adult humour.

What?!

Ugh!

Mate, get off that machine.

What?

Get off that machine before anybody sees you.

-How?

-Cos it's for women, that machine, that's how.

-What?

-Mate, I have never seen a guy on that machine in my puff.

Directing eye traffic to your baws like that.

You're embarrassing us. Get off it!

The reason why you don't see guys on this is because all guys care about

is having a big chest or biceps.

I'm wanting a total body workout.

Aye, total fanny workout, more like. Opening your legs

like you're inviting all the men into you.

-Get off it!

-Away.

-Mate, that machine does nothing for your muscles.

Lassies sit on that machine to send out the signal to guys that they know

what it's all about when it comes to opening their legs. Right?

And see fuds like him, they do press-ups so lassies go,

"Oh, he takes all his weight on his arms and goes up and down on us

"like a beast until I've hit the tickly bit." Right?

Guys do that. Lassies go on this. It's a mating dance, mate. Now get off it!

Mate with that, mate.

You're a total brasser, by the way.

A total embarrassment.

RAPPING: # Brother, I got a big question

# It's a question that's on my lips

# It's really doing my box in It's putting me off of my chips!

# I know what you're going to ask me, my man

# I've got the same question too

# It's a question all about a bus shelter

# And a motherbucking shoe

# Whose shoes are they? Whose shoes are they?

# Whose shoes are they? Whose shoes are they?

# Whose shoes are they? Whose shoes are they?

# Whose shoes are they? Whose shoes are they?

# Whose shoes are they? Whose shoes are they?

# Whose shoes are they? Whose shoes are they?

# Whose shoes are they? Whose shoes are they?

# Whose shoes are they? Whose shoes are they?

# Whose shoe is that? Whose shoe is that?

# Whose shoe is that? Whose shoe is that?

# Whose shoe is that? Whose shoe is that?

# Whose shoe is that? Whose shoe is that?

# Whose glove is that? Whose glove is that?

# Whose glove is that? Whose glove is that?

# Whose glove is that?

# Whose glove is that? Whose motherbucking glove is that? #

That guy dies at the end.

-That guy dies at the end.

-That guy dies at the end.

That guy dies at the end.

Could you be quiet?

Sorry. Just saying that guy, the main guy in the film,

that guy there, he dies at the end.

She shoots him. At the end. That's how it ends.

Well, we don't want to know that. Shut up!

Nice hair.

Nice hair.

Lovely hair.

-What?

-Nice hair.

-Shut up.

-Not you, your boyfriend.

I'm a lassie! Now shut up!

No, you're not. You're a hamster.

-What was that?

-You're a hamster.

I'm not talking to stupid wee boys about hamsters!

Talking about you. You're a hamster.

-How am I a hamster?

-Shhh. Quiet, please. Watching the film.

Oh, shut up.

-Nice hair.

-Will you shut up?

-Not you. Your hamster.

How am I a hamster?

-What are you saying?

-Nice hair.

-How am I a hamster?

-Ignore them!

-How come they're saying I'm a hamster?

-Does it matter?

-Aye! How am I a hamster?

-Shhh!

-We'll get you flung out.

-Straight back to the pet shop.

-Straight back to the zoo.

-The hamster zoo.

Answer me, you pair of wee dicks!

I'm trying to watch this motion picture here.

Trying to watch this Oscar-nominated motion picture.

Why did you say I'm a hamster?

This is a disgrace.

I can't hear a thing because of all this squeaking from this hamster.

-Hey. Why a hamster?

-Will you leave it alone, for God's sake!

Why are they saying I'm a hamster?

I don't know! Your cheeks or your teeth! I don't know!

Popcorn, Marky?

GLASS SMASHES

-Look. Erra Pope.

-What?

Erra bold Pope, hanging about with they wee guys, man.

What's he doing there?

I'm going to phone the police. I'm sick of them hanging around there, annoying people.

No, leave them alone. They're not doing anything.

Pope's having a wee swally, is all.

No, maybe you better phone the police after all.

All right?

I'm not ready yet. But just wait in there

-with my da' and all my mad uncles.

-What?

This is Wee Danny. Gonae talk to him till I get ready?

Take a seat in the guest chair.

I'm all right standing.

-Are you squaring up to me in my own house?

-No. I'll... I'll sit.

I can't hear a word this wee boy's saying. Give him the karaoke mike.

-So what you wanting Caitlin for?

-I'm taking her to the...

Into the mike, son.

So we can all hear you.

I'm taking her to the pictures.

I'm no taking any more of that off this wee prick!

Sit down, Eddie.

Let the boy talk.

If you're going to go back to the jail for him, you better make sure he's worth it.

-So what film is it you're going to see?

-The Double Date.

And what genre of film is that?

Romantic comedy.

Steady, Tam. Hold.

My blood's up. MY BLOOD'S UP!

-I'm sure there was a write-up about that film in the paper today.

-Aye?

Did it say it was up to much cop?

Do I look like the kind of guy that reads reviews of romantic comedies?

-In your own house, Adam, he's talking to you like this.

-Let me see this.

"The Double Date will have you doubled over."

Why would you want my daughter doubled over?

-I don't. I just thought it looked funny.

-There's more.

-"The Double Date, starring... Russell Brand..."

-A beast.

A boastful sex beast!

"..is a whip smart, saucy sex romp."

A whip smart saucy sex romp?

-Whip smart saucy?

-Saucy sex?

Sex romp?

Romp? Romp? ALL: Romp? Romp? Romp!

Romp! Why would you want to take my daughter to a romp?

I'd just heard it was funny.

Reading between the lines here, this jagged wee spur has said to himself, "I'm so full of spunk and bravado,

"I'm going to go round to that lassie's house and pish in her da's face."

Is that what you're planning for me in my own house?

Ronnie! Get the handcuffs and the spoons.

Da! No. Not again.

This is how it is with men, darling.

There's no other way.

Come on!

Argh!

Ooh!

No-o-o...

Adam! No-o-o!

Ada-a-am no-o-o!

Da-a-a!

Anybody else want some?

That's what I thought.

And the same goes for all you old bastards with teenage daughters.

Us wee guys only put up with your growling because we're trying to get our hole.

The fact is, old yin, your daughter's boyfriend is younger and fitter and stronger than you,

and could floor you without breaking a sweat.

Instead of worrying about what he's after, just thank him for the fact that he allows you to breathe.

On you go, thank him the now.

Phone him if you need tae!

Your daughters are ours now! Yas!

All right? I'm Jolly Boy John.

Jolly Boy John asking for a loan of two bob for a wee chocolate banana

is for real! For real!

All right, mate?

Want to give us a loan of two bob for a wee chocolate banana?

All right, darlin'? Want to gives us a loan of two bob for a wee chocolate banana?

Jolly Boy John wearing all his da's bunnets on his head

and a wee chocolate banana for a moustache is for real!

Do you want to see the wee chocolate banana dance, Margaret?

Wee chocolate banana! For real.

For real!

For real!

Jolly Boy John with hundreds of wee chocolate bananas sellotaped

to his body, licking a cardboard cut-out of JK Rowling is for real.

I'm licking JK Rowling.

I'm licking JK Rowling.

I'm licking JK Rowling. I'm licking JK Rowling.

I'm licking JK Rowling. I'm licking JK Rowling.

I'm licking JK Rowling. I'm licking JK Rowling.

Wee chocolate banana!

Wee chocolate banana!

50 Cent, Kanye West, Jay-Z, Wu Tang Clan - yous say you want to be

as real as Jolly Boy John?

Get real!

When Burnistoun's two greatest Kenny Rogers tribute acts

came face to face, many thought there would be violence and bloodshed.

No-one predicted that they would fall in love.

'I knew I had to see this Kenny Rogers impersonator

'who was supposedly better than me.'

I sat in the front row

and when he walked out on to the stage, I thought,

"My God, I've been duped here.

"This is the real Kenny Rogers."

I walked on the stage, and I looked in the front row and my legs just turned to jelly.

I thought to myself "Oh, my God, the real Kenny Rogers has come to see me."

My friends had to spend the first half hour of the gig persuading me that it wasn't the real Kenny Rogers.

I had to stop the gig 20 minutes in to phone Kenny Rogers' management

to confirm whether or not he was in Scotland attending a gig at the Burnistoun Masonic.

I eventually realised the truth.

He's not Kenny Rogers.

He's better than Kenny Rogers.

He's better at being Kenny Rogers

than Kenny Rogers is at being Kenny Rogers.

I said to myself, "If that's not Kenny Rogers,

"then that's an angel come to earth in the form of Kenny Rogers.

"Either way, that's the Kenny Rogers I'm going to marry."

And when he brought me up on to the stage and

sang Lady to me and kissed me softly on my beard,

well, you could have heard a hearing aid drop.

Our wedding day was beautiful.

Very traditional. We did the throwing of the beard

to see who the next Kenny Rogers would be.

One, two, three!

My niece caught it.

She was so excited.

We can be quite competitive

about being the best Kenny Rogers in the house.

-I'll pull your white beard off your

-BLEEP

-face.

Don't you dare say I'm weak on The Gambler.

You should be singing Jingle Bells.

-You look more like

-BLEEP

-Santa Claus!

I wish I'd stuck with Dolly! Even though she had weer tits than you!

Every marriage has its ups and downs, and, well, ours is no different.

But as long as we love each other

and as long as there's a Kenny Rogers, I'm sure we'll be just fine.

# You got to know when to hold 'em

# Know when to fold 'em

# Know when to walk away

# And know when to run

# You never count your money

# When you're sitting at the table

# There'll be time enough for counting

# When the dealing's done. #

That's a really wee wardrobe you've got.

What are you talking about? My wardrobe's just a normal size.

That one?

That's...not my wardrobe.

Just how wee is this wardrobe, son?

They say that it's really, really wee.

No-o-o-o-o-o!

Begone, wee wardrobe!

# One, two, three, the wardrobe is wee

# Four and five, it's about to arrive.

It's the wee wardrobe.

It's the wee wardrobe!

'The Small Wardrobe.

-'Rated R.'

Come on, Shaky Dancer! Come on!

-It's gonna hold on!

-Go on, Shaky Dancer!

Go on, son! Go on! GO ON!

-No!

-No! NO! NO! NO!

-No!

-NO! You lousy bastard.

You lousy, lazy, lame bastard!

No luck there, man. Nearly held on there as well.

Oh, no. 1300 quid, you'd have won there and all.

Sickener!

What did you call me?

Face the front.

Are you Shaky Dancer?

Mr Dancer to you.

What did you call me?

I called you a lousy, lazy, lame bastard. Ow!

That's what I heard.

Just so you know, wee man.

I could have taken the rest of they fannies any day of the week.

I chose to lose.

I bet against myself.

-Ya f...

-Not my biggest pay day.

But it was worth 1300 quid.

Now, don't let me see you at my racecourse again.

Ya dirty cheating bastard!

THUMPING CAR HORN BLARES

I needed that money!

HORSE WHINNIES

Aye, you better run!

I'll be back for my 1300 quid tomorrow, or you'll be glue!

Aye, away back to your jockey!

Go on!

Come here, you!

I'm Alex Ciderson. Are you suffering the horror

of having a metal brace in your mouth?

That's ghastly! Is it really making your life a misery?

Oh, wouldn't it be great if you could get your horrible squinty teeth

fixed without everybody knowing you had a brace in?

Well, now you can, with Brace Mouth from the Alex Ciderson Company.

Just clip our ultra-realistic mouth onto your braces, and viola!

You look better than ever.

Smashing mouth, friend.

-It's been quite some time since I seen a sweet mouth like that, old chap.

-Mouth!

It can even improve your useless, unnecessarily wet teenage kissing.

Brace Mouth from Ciderson's.

Don't get bullied and beaten up in the school toilets like I did.

It wasn't fair.

I hated school.

Walter, you need to come out from underneath that blanket

and start your work.

I can't come out from under this blanket,

because you made me watch that horror film last night anyway!

It wasn't a horror film, Walter.

It was The Jools Holland Show!

Well, I don't even know who Jools Holland is,

but I'm scared of him anyway!

Serve that lassie.

-Can I help ye?

-Do you sell tampons?

-Paul.

-What is it?

My brother. My big brother...

-What is it?

-My handsome big brother.

-What is it?

-What is a...

-One second. What was that word you just said anyway?

-Tampons?

Thank you!

Paul, what's a tampons?

Who said that?

-That lassie.

-That is inappropriate! Let me deal with this.

Well, what is it, Paul? What is a tampons anyway?

Don't you dare use that word in front of my brother,

when his mammy's ashes are sitting right there on top of the Roysters!

I was just asking. Some vans sell them.

Well, we certainly don't.

This is a family van.

-Now, beat it!

-What is it, what's a tampons?

It doesn't matter.

-Is it something to do with Jools Holland?

-No.

Just play with your jigsaw.

Paul?

What?

Do you believe in Jools Holland?

Aye.

Aye, Walter, I do believe in Jools Holland, because he's real.

He's a real guy. He's a telly presenter.

He's not a monster. It wasn't a horror film, for the last time!

Well, I think all they films should be banned anyway, because

I think I warped my mind watching that Jools Holland last night!

Oh, your mind's always been warped!

Don't you say that when my best pal's here in the van!

That's not a best pal. That's a Breville toaster.

It's not a Breville toaster!

That's my best pal!

Reginald P Bartholomew Esquire!

And you've hurt his feelings.

It's a Breville toaster!

And I'm sick of having to pull it out your bed

every time I want a toastie!

It was you!

It was you that was putting cheese in him!

-I thought he had an infection! You're a tampons!

-Walter!

-You're a tampon!

Look, everybody, see my brother. He's a big, fat tampon!

-What?

-Did you just embarrass my daughter a few minutes ago?

Erm...

Walter, look! It's Jools Holland!

Aaagh!

I'll start the van!

No, wait! Reginald isn't...

Reginald! I'll never forget you anyways!

I need to buy some new tights as well.

Yeah, I need to buy you some new tights, you mean.

When did your last wage come in again?

-ELECTRIC BUZZ Ow!

-What?

I just got a shock off that there!

-Och, away.

-Er, yeah, I did.

See? It's fine.

Yeah, it's fine now, idiot.

-Are you saying I'm a liar or something?

-I'm away.

Lovely pakora, this, McGregor.

That's because it's from a curry shop

that's a front for a drugs empire, so the kitchens are spotless.

Aye. That's the key to a good takeaway, sure it is.

If the kitchens are clean, it's run by gangsters.

That's why we police always go easy on the gangsters, isn't it?

Cos ye need your scran.

Got tae protect your scran.

Mind what we were told,

no making an arse of the crime scene before the detectives arrive.

Don't worry, McGregor.

Quality police all the way.

Poor bugger. Shot in the head.

Gangland hit is what I'm seeing here.

Aye, so you'll be hearing nothing more about this one,

seeing as how tasty this pakora is.

Oh, here.

Oh, here what?

I've spilled chilli sauce all over this body. Is that all right?

Aye, there's more sauce out in the motor, sure.

No, I mean, cos it's like a crime scene and all that,

-you know that way?

-Oh, aye.

-Right enough.

-I'll just mix it in with the blood.

-There you go.

-Easy-ozy, quality polis.

Right, then. Let's see these CDs over here.

See if there's any Hall and Oates in here.

Toshan! Toshan, look!

Oh, here.

What did I tell ye! If this wasn't a crime scene, I'd pepper you!

Right, calm down, all right? We're quality polis.

We'll sort it out.

Take his shoes off.

-What?

-I'll swap shoes with him.

Then it'll be his footprints all over the floor! Aye.

Hold on. What's the picture here? The guy gets shot in the head,

then he gets up and walks over to his CDs?

What's he doing, picking songs for his cremation?

Well, you're overthinking things here, McGregor, as per.

Right, it'll just be like one of them murder scene mysteries,

like The Mystery of the Guy Who...

I Hope To God Has A Wooden Leg.

-Oh...buckin' unbelievable.

-You better hide that leg.

-Why?

Because all your DNA will be all over it now.

Oh, no, that wee dog's escaped!

You stupid bastard, it's a hamster! Right, clean him off.

Aaah! A zombie!

I told you zombies were real!

Hey, give me my leg!

Ow. Must have fell and hit my head a dillion.

Pakora, belter.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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