Episode 2 Burnistoun


Episode 2

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THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS ADULT HUMOUR

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Oh, OK, OK, OK. Is it time for...

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You Are My Lord?

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-Yes!

-LIGHT APPLAUSE

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Right, now, this is David's first Barr family party.

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Now, David, this is a little bit of a family tradition, so please do join in.

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-Everybody joins in.

-OK.

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Paddy!

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PLAYS GUITAR

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-# You are my Lord

-You are my Lord

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-# You are my Lord

-You are my Lord

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-# You are my Lord

-You are my Lord

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-# You are my Lord

-You are my Lord

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-# You are my Lord

-You are my Lord

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-# You are my Lord

-You are my Lord

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# Oh, Satan, you are my Lord

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# Oh, Satan,

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# We are your children

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# We long to serve you

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# Carry out your evil will

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# We hate that God fella

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# And his boy Jesus

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# So in your dark name

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# Christians we will kill

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-# You are my Lord

-You are my Lord...

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-I need to go to the toilet.

-All right, aye.

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# You are my Lord

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# You are my Lord

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# You are my Lord

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-# You are my Lord

-You are my Lord

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-# You are my Lord

-You are my Lord

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# Oh, Satan, you are my Lord. #

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What's the panic? Why am I rushing over?

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-I need to ask you something important, Peter.

-What?

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Right, we're out one night, right?

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And I go to the toilet.

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Right, aye.

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Right, now I'm away for ages, right, so, you come and check on me,

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and you're like that, "Scott, are you all right?"

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Right, aye, maybe.

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But I'm no' all right, man.

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I'm pretty far from all right. I'm lying there on the floor

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of that toilet cubicle with a shite half hanging out my arse.

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What are you doing that for? That's disgusting.

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Cos I've collapsed, I don't know, man, maybe I was putting too much

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effort in and I've passed out, or maybe I've had a heart attack,

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but either way I'm lying there, face down, with a jobby poking out.

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What is this about?

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Would you nip it off for me, mate?

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Eh?

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-Would you nip it off for me before the ambulance arrives, save me that embarrassment?

-No.

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I wouldn't want to touch a mate's... No, all right?

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I can't believe I'm hearing this, that's what pals are for.

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Ask anybody, nipping one off. That's in the code of friendship.

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Are you mental? Who even thinks about stuff like that?

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I'd do it for you, man, I'd nip one off for you anytime.

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I don't want you to nip one off for me, Scott.

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If I'm so freakishly unlucky that I collapse while I'm squeezing one out,

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I don't want you poking about down there.

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Oh, so you'd rather some medic found you that way?

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You'd rather risk some beautiful young medic finding you like that,

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instead of your pal just nipping it off for you?

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I'd probably only see that paramedic that one time.

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I need to see you every day, looking you in the eye,

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knowing that had happened between us.

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No, you don't get involved down there, all right? Nae nipping off for me.

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Peter, man... I don't know if you could even call us pals anymore.

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Well, maybe we're no!

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I cannae believe I'm about to say this.

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All right. I'll nip it off.

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Oh, Peter, man, I knew I could trust you.

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But you don't touch mine. Deal?

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Deal.

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Speaking of which, man, I need to go to the toilet.

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TOILET FLUSHES

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All right? I'm Jolly Boy John!

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Jolly Boy John wearing his da's old roller skates and all his ma's pants

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and bras and singing Does Yer Maw Drink Wine at a wee dug is for real,

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for real, for real, for real,

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for real!

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# Does your maw drink wine?

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# Does she drink it all the time?

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# Does she get a funny feeling when her head hits off the ceiling?

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# Does yer da drink gin?

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# Does he drink it out the bin? #

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For real!

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SIRENS BLARE

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Quiet today, isn't it, Toshan?

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Not a crime to be had.

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I reckon that's cos we're quality polis, eh, Toshan?

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Eh, Toshan?

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Toshan!

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TOSHAN!

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Oh! Wha...?!

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-You peppered me! A real one!

-Aye, a real one.

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-Real! It was real!

-You were ignoring me!

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Oh, pepper! Pepper!

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Oh, shush, it wasnae that bad!

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-What?!

-It wasnae that bad, man up!

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We're supposed to be polis.

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Quality polis.

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Well, get out! Out!

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Out of the motor!

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Out! On your way!

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HE MUMBLES

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My eyes are melting! My eyes are melting! Oh!

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For God's sake, Toshan, it's no that bad!

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Well, you try it, then, you big brown moustached bastard!

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I would do, nae problem to a quality polis like me.

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Right, then, big man, you do it, then, well!

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I will do it, well, I will!

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Right, here we go, then. Here we are now, right?

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Ah! Oh, see, nothing, nothing, oh!

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There you are, easy ozie!

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Easy ozie. Ah!

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Ah! Ah!

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Jesus!

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That's the fake one, you sly bastard!

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Oh, Mammy, Daddy, I've peppered myself!

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Oh!

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Packet of chewing gum.

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-Is that all?

-Em....

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A few packets of crisps...

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A wee bit of chocolate an' all.

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-Is that you?

-Any milk?

-Up the back.

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-Any bread, hen?

-It's up to your left there.

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Hello. It's Stevie.

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Aye, listen, are you wanting anything at this garage?

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Is that all?

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Er...

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They've got normal digestive or milk chocolate digestive..

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You got any plain chocolate digestives?

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If they're not out, we've not got any.

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The lassie's saying if they're not out, they've not got any.

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Right.

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Well, what kind of biscuits does your maw like?

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Och, no, it's all right, I'll just phone her and ask her myself.

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Right. Cheerio, darling.

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Hello, Margaret. It's Stevie.

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Aye... Aye, it's healing up fine, aye.

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No, listen, right, what it is is, right, what it is is, I'm out buying biscuits.

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What kind of biscuits do you like?

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No, no, they've not got any plain chocolate digestives.

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What they've got is normal digestives and, em...

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thingy, the thingy, milk chocolate digestives.

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Right. Nothing? Nothing, then?

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Right... Aye! Aye, oh, it's healing up fine, Margaret, it's fine, aye.

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Aye... Right, aye, right, no, no.

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Right, see you, Margaret, cheerio, cheerio.

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-Is that everything?

-Is that everything? Em...

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Is that everything? Er...

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Is that everything? Is that everything? Em...

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Aye. Aye, aye, that's it.

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-Och, no. Aye, aye.

-No fuel?

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No, no. No, no fuel, no.

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Och, no, I might as well fill her up while I'm here, aye.

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Right, two seconds.

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# Sitting in the street Watching pretty girls go by

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# All these little honeys, Oh, they really catch my eye

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# Lookin' you all over Every small detail

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# Staring at you so hard I should probably get to jail

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# Storing you baby in the wank bank

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# Gonna catch you later in the wank bank

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# Don't need no vibrator in the wank bank

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# Gonna ruin some socks on you

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# Ruin some socks on you, baby

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# Standing in the bakery Just buying us a snack

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# Baby, you're so hot You almost caused a heart attack

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# The meat inside in my sausage roll Is so warm and juicy

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# And I just want to take it, babe and stick it...

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# In my pocket

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# Storing you, baby, in the wank bank

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# Middle aged mama in the wank bank

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# Ain't no legal drama in the wank bank

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# Gonna ruin some socks on you

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# Ruin some good socks on you, mama

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# Sitting now just watching all the traffic fly through

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# It's funny how there's always something sexy there for you

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# Don't be worried, mister we're just staring at your ride

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# The tightest little car exhaust we've ever wanted inside

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# Storing that pipe in the wank bank

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# No one's gonna see us in the wank bank

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# You can't burn your penis in the wank bank

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# Gonna ruin some socks on you

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# Ruin some socks on you, baby

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# Destroy those socks

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# How'd I fail to notice this guy sitting here?

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# If I just stare at you, would my intentions be clear?

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# I love it when you stare at me I think I'll stare right back

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# And think about it later When a sock sits on my sack

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# Storing each other in the wank bank

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# That ain't so surprising in the wank bank

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# We've even had Mike Tyson in the wank bank

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# Gonna ruin some socks on us

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# That's where all your husband's socks are going, baby. #

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VAN CHIME PLAYS

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Can I help you?

0:13:490:13:51

Aye, can I have a packet of beef Monster Munch, please?

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-We don't have any beefy.

-We don't have any beefy.

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What have youse got?

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-We've got pickly onions.

-We've got pickly onions.

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-Then we've got burny hot flavour.

-And we've got burny hot flavour.

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Stop repeating everything I'm saying.

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Stop repeating everything I'm saying!

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-I'm sorry about this.

-I'm sorry about this.

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-Let me just have a wee word with my brother.

-Let me just have a wee word with my brother.

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If you don't stop copying me I'll give you sherbet eyes

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and I know how much you hate having sherbet eyes!

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If you don't stop copying me I'll give you sherbet eyes

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-and I know how much you hate having sherbet eyes!

-Can I have my crisps?

0:14:230:14:26

Could you just wait a second and not be so bloody rude?!

0:14:260:14:30

Could you just wait a second and not be so bloody rude?!

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Right, copy this.

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Right, copy this.

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-Mn-mnah-mn-mnah!

-Mn-mnah-mn-mnah!

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Abubba-dubba-umma-nmah-dibby!

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Abubba-dubba-umma-nmah-dibby!

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Walter is a stupid, silly, daft, rubbish wee idiot, stupid,

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nae pals, nobody loves him, everybody hates him, Mammy never liked him, cannae play the accordion,

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scared of the dark, smelly, smelly, smelly!

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Walter is a stupid, silly, daft, rubbish wee idiot, stupid, nae pals,

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nobody loves him, everybody hates him, Mammy never liked him, cannae play the accordion,

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scared of the dark smelly, smelly, smelly! Anyway!

0:15:050:15:08

Ha! Got you! I never said "anyway"!

0:15:080:15:11

Ha! Got you! I never said "anyway" anyway!

0:15:110:15:14

That's two anyways! I certainly never said "anyway anyway".

0:15:140:15:18

That's two anyways! I certainly never said "anyway anyway" anyway!

0:15:180:15:21

How would you like it if I started copying you?

0:15:210:15:23

How would you like it if I started copying you?

0:15:230:15:25

-How would you like it if I copied you?

-You'd better stop copying me anyway!

0:15:250:15:28

You'd better stop copying me anyway!

0:15:280:15:30

Sherbet eyes!

0:15:320:15:33

Sherbet eyes!

0:15:340:15:36

Give me some water for my eyes!

0:15:360:15:38

Ginger berbet eyes!

0:15:480:15:50

Mr Cumber.

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Mr Cumber, I think you'll be very pleased with the campaign we've come up with for Cumber's Pies.

0:16:160:16:21

We're certainly very excited, aren't we, Don?

0:16:210:16:23

Mr Cumber. It's Hugh, isn't it?

0:16:230:16:25

Hugh Cumber. Yes.

0:16:250:16:27

Hugh, we've got something very high-concept here.

0:16:270:16:30

Our Cumber's Pies commercial is so big,

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it can't fit on one TV channel.

0:16:330:16:36

-How do you mean?

-We broadcast simultaneously across two channels.

0:16:360:16:40

On one channel, the left-hand side of the advert, on the next channel, the right hand side.

0:16:400:16:46

Not just widescreen.

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Wider than screen.

0:16:470:16:49

Hugh. This is event TV.

0:16:490:16:51

Families pulling together two TV sets to celebrate that Cumber's name in style.

0:16:510:16:58

I like it!

0:16:580:17:00

OK. Run up!

0:17:000:17:02

And action!

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Mmmm!

0:17:060:17:09

When I think delicious pies, I think Cumber's.

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The word itself is enough to make your mouth water.

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When I see this, I know that my food has been hand-baked in the kitchen that very day.

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When I see this, I know it's going to be hot, fresh and tasty. Just the way I like it.

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When I look at this, I see a hundred-year tradition of quality pies.

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When I look at this, I'm reminded of special days with my mammy and my granny.

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Because they've loved Cumber's Pies all their lives too.

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And this is what I want to come home to at the end of the day.

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Those delicious pies, hot from the oven.

0:17:430:17:46

Filling my house up with that familiar smell.

0:17:460:17:49

That nostalgic, unforgettable smell of Cumber's Pies.

0:17:490:17:54

Mmmm. Getting it right up my nostrils.

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-Filling my lungs up with it.

-Cumber's.

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Keeping my family's belly full for over 100 years.

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And cut!

0:18:040:18:06

Very good, very good.

0:18:060:18:08

Margaret! It's about to start!

0:18:120:18:14

The advert's about to start!

0:18:140:18:16

-Where's the remote for this other telly? It's about to...

-'Mmmm!'

0:18:160:18:20

'The word itself is enough to make your mouth water.

0:18:200:18:23

'When I see this, I know it's going to be hot, fresh and tasty. Just the way I like it.

0:18:230:18:29

'When I look at this, I'm reminded of special days with my mammy and my granny. And this

0:18:290:18:35

'is what I want to come home to at the end of the day.

0:18:350:18:38

'Filling my house up with that familiar smell. Mmmm.

0:18:380:18:42

'Getting it right up my nostrils.

0:18:430:18:46

'Filling my lungs with it.

0:18:460:18:47

'Keeping my family's belly full for over 100 years.'

0:18:470:18:52

-Is this where the speed-dating carry-on is happening, son?

-Yes, it is.

0:18:550:19:00

We're just about to get started.

0:19:000:19:02

OK, everyone, in five we're off.

0:19:020:19:05

30 seconds with each lady, so keep it snappy, gents.

0:19:050:19:08

And...here...we...go!

0:19:080:19:11

Is that my hearing aid there?

0:19:130:19:15

I think you're supposed to come to me.

0:19:150:19:18

Oh, right.

0:19:180:19:19

Pleased to meet you, hen.

0:19:190:19:21

I'm Biscuity Boyle.

0:19:210:19:23

Burnistoun's favourite son.

0:19:230:19:25

Here we go, it's started already. I'm sorry, hen.

0:19:280:19:31

-20 seconds!

-It's fine, I..

0:19:310:19:34

Let me get this out for you...

0:19:340:19:37

I dunno why you'd be interested in me anyway, a broken-down old bastard like me.

0:19:370:19:44

I cannae get this out, hen.

0:19:440:19:46

Big fat hands like a bloated corpse, you know that way.

0:19:460:19:50

-Ten seconds!

-It's OK. Look, I probably won't drink it now anyway.

0:19:500:19:55

This is stuck here, hen.

0:19:570:19:59

Oh, I don't think this is going to work out between you and me anyway.

0:20:020:20:06

You, gorgeous, so stunning.

0:20:060:20:08

Me, a fat-handed waster that should get put down like a dog.

0:20:080:20:14

Shake hands and switch partners.

0:20:140:20:16

-Ah!

-Sorry, hen.

0:20:170:20:20

Oh, in the name...

0:20:200:20:22

Hi, I'm Sally.

0:20:230:20:25

Hi. Biscuity Boyle, Burnistoun's favourite son.

0:20:250:20:29

-Are you not having a seat?

-I cannae, hen.

0:20:290:20:32

I've got some right dramatic haemorrhoids coming on,

0:20:320:20:35

-just you talk away.

-20 seconds!

0:20:350:20:38

I quite like an older gentleman.

0:20:380:20:40

Do you have any bad habits?

0:20:400:20:42

Truthfully?

0:20:420:20:43

I've got a bit of a problem with flatulating gas out of my back passage.

0:20:430:20:49

My bladder's all shot to hell.

0:20:490:20:52

It's like a burst ball that's been left on a garage roof all winter.

0:20:520:20:55

I should live in a budgie cage with the amount of mess I make down there.

0:20:550:20:58

To be honest with you,

0:20:580:21:00

pecking away at a mirror would be mair company than I get the now.

0:21:000:21:04

Aw.

0:21:040:21:05

-I'm sorry, hen. Are you all right?

-It's fine.

0:21:090:21:12

Oh, no, no, no. Let me get that.

0:21:120:21:15

No, that's my...my spare teeth.

0:21:190:21:21

-I'm sorry, hen.

-Ten seconds!

0:21:210:21:24

-Let me...

-It's dirty!

-What am I like?

0:21:240:21:27

Trying to clean a young lassie's lovely face with a manky hanky.

0:21:270:21:32

I'm a joke. Here, let me use this.

0:21:320:21:36

It's fine, just go.

0:21:360:21:38

I'm sorry, hen. They should just stick me in a coffin, so they should.

0:21:400:21:43

Next partners, please!

0:21:430:21:44

Oh, in the name of the wee man.

0:21:480:21:51

PFFRT!

0:21:530:21:54

Did you catch that I let one off right on your dish there?

0:21:540:21:58

Oh, hen.

0:21:580:22:00

Your lovely wee face ruined.

0:22:000:22:03

I used to be an athlete.

0:22:030:22:05

I suppose I should put this fire out.

0:22:050:22:07

It's me that should be set on fire! I should be bloody cremated.

0:22:070:22:10

It gets me every time.

0:22:180:22:20

I never used to be like this, hen.

0:22:210:22:23

I used to be desirable.

0:22:230:22:25

I used to actually like myself.

0:22:250:22:27

Oh, don't stop. Just keep going, son.

0:22:370:22:39

Just bloody drown me, just bloody well drown me.

0:22:390:22:42

Show me some mercy. Show me some mercy.

0:22:420:22:46

Have you recently lost a loved one?

0:22:480:22:52

Are you having difficulty deciding whether to opt for a burial or a cremation?

0:22:590:23:06

-Bury him!

-Burn him!

-Bury him!

-Burn him!

0:23:060:23:09

If you simply can't make a decision on this, then why not choose

0:23:090:23:15

a half-and-half funeral from Herman Nichol's Funeral Directors?

0:23:150:23:20

Half-cremation, half-burial.

0:23:200:23:23

The best of both worlds.

0:23:230:23:27

Half-and-half.

0:23:270:23:29

It's not just for pizza.

0:23:290:23:32

I'm very impressed by your work in my very impressive company, Barry.

0:23:380:23:43

-You'll go far with us.

-Thanks, sir.

0:23:430:23:45

-I hope so.

-I like a boy with a bit of fire in his belly. Here, I've got a cracker of a joke for you.

0:23:450:23:52

There's this cannibal and he walks into a bookie's, and he's got a goldfish under...

0:23:520:23:56

'Oh, God, not a joke.

0:23:560:23:57

'Everybody says his jokes are rotten.

0:23:570:23:59

'I'm the world's worst at pretending I think a joke is funny.

0:23:590:24:02

'Right, build up to a laugh.

0:24:020:24:04

'Act like you're enjoying it.

0:24:040:24:06

'Smile, for Christ's sake!'

0:24:060:24:07

Are you all right, Barry?

0:24:100:24:11

Just a wee bit of heartburn, there.

0:24:110:24:16

You better watch your pen doesn't go on fire!

0:24:160:24:18

'Shit! That was a wee joke.

0:24:200:24:23

'Do a wee practice laugh here.'

0:24:230:24:25

HIGH-PITCHED GIGGLE

0:24:250:24:26

'Worst laugh ever.

0:24:290:24:31

'You cannot let him get to the end of this joke. Say you've heard it.'

0:24:310:24:35

I've heard it!

0:24:350:24:36

I've heard it.

0:24:400:24:41

Oh, you've heard that one?

0:24:410:24:43

What about this one? There's this Irish fella...

0:24:430:24:45

'Oh, God. No. This is the back-up joke.

0:24:450:24:48

'This is going to be even worse.

0:24:480:24:50

'Need to think of something.

0:24:500:24:52

'Cannae just say I've heard it again.'

0:24:520:24:54

I've heard it!

0:24:540:24:55

You've heard that one too.

0:24:550:24:59

Well, try this one on, then.

0:24:590:25:01

There's this fella, he buys a speedboat, right?

0:25:010:25:04

And the speedboat's full of crabs that are dressed as nuns...

0:25:040:25:06

'Right. You've reached the maximum with the I've-heard-its.'

0:25:060:25:09

I've heard it!

0:25:090:25:11

'What are you doing? This is now worse than a bad fake laugh.'

0:25:110:25:15

You've certainly heard a lot of jokes, Barry.

0:25:150:25:18

It's just working in an office, you know?

0:25:180:25:21

Oh, I bet you've not heard this one.

0:25:210:25:24

This wee fella, right, this parrot, right, he's on a pogo stick...

0:25:240:25:27

'Don't say you've heard it! Don't say you've heard it!'

0:25:270:25:30

I've heard it!

0:25:300:25:32

There's these two antelopes...

0:25:320:25:34

-I've heard it.

-There's this pharaoh...

0:25:340:25:37

-I've heard it.

-There's an Irish swan...

-I've heard it.

0:25:370:25:41

-There's a...

-I've heard it.

0:25:410:25:44

Aaaaaah!

0:25:470:25:50

Did Tony O'Hare put you up to this?

0:25:530:25:55

'Nod.'

0:25:550:25:57

I knew it. I knew this would be a wind-up.

0:25:570:26:00

Right, OK. You're lucky I've got a sense of humour, son.

0:26:000:26:03

Let's go back to that original joke.

0:26:030:26:05

'Fake a heart attack.'

0:26:050:26:07

Oh! Ohhh!

0:26:090:26:11

Son.

0:26:150:26:16

No, no. No, no!

0:26:160:26:18

No. Son, stay with me.

0:26:180:26:20

-'It worked.'

-Stay with me. And I'll tell you the rest of this joke.

0:26:200:26:23

'Pretend to die. Pretend to actually die. It's the only way.'

0:26:230:26:28

No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

0:26:320:26:38

All I lived for was to make this boy laugh.

0:26:400:26:42

'Too late - I'm deid!'

0:26:420:26:44

I've actually got a joke just for occasions like this.

0:26:440:26:48

-There's a crisp and a nut...

-I've heard it!

0:26:480:26:53

Here, I need a chat-up line.

0:27:020:27:05

Quick.

0:27:060:27:08

Just whisper that in her ear.

0:27:090:27:11

All right?

0:27:200:27:21

All right.

0:27:220:27:24

Hey, Danny, what did you tell him to say?

0:27:340:27:36

Billy! Why are you winching my brother? What did he say?

0:27:430:27:47

Hey, what was that all about?

0:27:530:27:55

I've never seen you kiss like that before.

0:27:550:27:59

What did he say?

0:27:590:28:00

You want to know what's written on that card, don't you?

0:28:210:28:24

Here, you! You're barred!

0:28:390:28:41

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:490:28:52

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0:28:520:28:56

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