Episode 2 Burnistoun

THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS ADULT HUMOUR

Oh, OK, OK, OK. Is it time for...

You Are My Lord?

-Yes!

-LIGHT APPLAUSE

Right, now, this is David's first Barr family party.

Now, David, this is a little bit of a family tradition, so please do join in.

-Everybody joins in.

-OK.

Paddy!

PLAYS GUITAR

-# You are my Lord

-You are my Lord

-# You are my Lord

-You are my Lord

-# You are my Lord

-You are my Lord

-# You are my Lord

-You are my Lord

-# You are my Lord

-You are my Lord

-# You are my Lord

-You are my Lord

# Oh, Satan, you are my Lord

# Oh, Satan,

# We are your children

# We long to serve you

# Carry out your evil will

# We hate that God fella

# And his boy Jesus

# So in your dark name

# Christians we will kill

-# You are my Lord

-You are my Lord...

-I need to go to the toilet.

-All right, aye.

# You are my Lord

# You are my Lord

# You are my Lord

-# You are my Lord

-You are my Lord

-# You are my Lord

-You are my Lord

# Oh, Satan, you are my Lord. #

What's the panic? Why am I rushing over?

-I need to ask you something important, Peter.

-What?

Right, we're out one night, right?

And I go to the toilet.

Right, aye.

Right, now I'm away for ages, right, so, you come and check on me,

and you're like that, "Scott, are you all right?"

Right, aye, maybe.

But I'm no' all right, man.

I'm pretty far from all right. I'm lying there on the floor

of that toilet cubicle with a shite half hanging out my arse.

What are you doing that for? That's disgusting.

Cos I've collapsed, I don't know, man, maybe I was putting too much

effort in and I've passed out, or maybe I've had a heart attack,

but either way I'm lying there, face down, with a jobby poking out.

What is this about?

Would you nip it off for me, mate?

Eh?

-Would you nip it off for me before the ambulance arrives, save me that embarrassment?

-No.

I wouldn't want to touch a mate's... No, all right?

I can't believe I'm hearing this, that's what pals are for.

Ask anybody, nipping one off. That's in the code of friendship.

Are you mental? Who even thinks about stuff like that?

I'd do it for you, man, I'd nip one off for you anytime.

I don't want you to nip one off for me, Scott.

If I'm so freakishly unlucky that I collapse while I'm squeezing one out,

I don't want you poking about down there.

Oh, so you'd rather some medic found you that way?

You'd rather risk some beautiful young medic finding you like that,

instead of your pal just nipping it off for you?

I'd probably only see that paramedic that one time.

I need to see you every day, looking you in the eye,

knowing that had happened between us.

No, you don't get involved down there, all right? Nae nipping off for me.

Peter, man... I don't know if you could even call us pals anymore.

Well, maybe we're no!

I cannae believe I'm about to say this.

All right. I'll nip it off.

Oh, Peter, man, I knew I could trust you.

But you don't touch mine. Deal?

Deal.

Speaking of which, man, I need to go to the toilet.

TOILET FLUSHES

All right? I'm Jolly Boy John!

Jolly Boy John wearing his da's old roller skates and all his ma's pants

and bras and singing Does Yer Maw Drink Wine at a wee dug is for real,

for real, for real, for real,

for real!

# Does your maw drink wine?

# Does she drink it all the time?

# Does she get a funny feeling when her head hits off the ceiling?

# Does yer da drink gin?

# Does he drink it out the bin? #

For real!

SIRENS BLARE

Quiet today, isn't it, Toshan?

Not a crime to be had.

I reckon that's cos we're quality polis, eh, Toshan?

Eh, Toshan?

Toshan!

TOSHAN!

Oh! Wha...?!

-You peppered me! A real one!

-Aye, a real one.

-Real! It was real!

-You were ignoring me!

Oh, pepper! Pepper!

Oh, shush, it wasnae that bad!

-What?!

-It wasnae that bad, man up!

We're supposed to be polis.

Quality polis.

Well, get out! Out!

Out of the motor!

Out! On your way!

HE MUMBLES

My eyes are melting! My eyes are melting! Oh!

For God's sake, Toshan, it's no that bad!

Well, you try it, then, you big brown moustached bastard!

I would do, nae problem to a quality polis like me.

Right, then, big man, you do it, then, well!

I will do it, well, I will!

Right, here we go, then. Here we are now, right?

Ah! Oh, see, nothing, nothing, oh!

There you are, easy ozie!

Easy ozie. Ah!

Ah! Ah!

Jesus!

That's the fake one, you sly bastard!

Oh, Mammy, Daddy, I've peppered myself!

Oh!

Packet of chewing gum.

-Is that all?

-Em....

A few packets of crisps...

A wee bit of chocolate an' all.

-Is that you?

-Any milk?

-Up the back.

-Any bread, hen?

-It's up to your left there.

Hello. It's Stevie.

Aye, listen, are you wanting anything at this garage?

Is that all?

Er...

They've got normal digestive or milk chocolate digestive..

You got any plain chocolate digestives?

If they're not out, we've not got any.

The lassie's saying if they're not out, they've not got any.

Right.

Well, what kind of biscuits does your maw like?

Och, no, it's all right, I'll just phone her and ask her myself.

Right. Cheerio, darling.

Hello, Margaret. It's Stevie.

Aye... Aye, it's healing up fine, aye.

No, listen, right, what it is is, right, what it is is, I'm out buying biscuits.

What kind of biscuits do you like?

No, no, they've not got any plain chocolate digestives.

What they've got is normal digestives and, em...

thingy, the thingy, milk chocolate digestives.

Right. Nothing? Nothing, then?

Right... Aye! Aye, oh, it's healing up fine, Margaret, it's fine, aye.

Aye... Right, aye, right, no, no.

Right, see you, Margaret, cheerio, cheerio.

-Is that everything?

-Is that everything? Em...

Is that everything? Er...

Is that everything? Is that everything? Em...

Aye. Aye, aye, that's it.

-Och, no. Aye, aye.

-No fuel?

No, no. No, no fuel, no.

Och, no, I might as well fill her up while I'm here, aye.

Right, two seconds.

# Sitting in the street Watching pretty girls go by

# All these little honeys, Oh, they really catch my eye

# Lookin' you all over Every small detail

# Staring at you so hard I should probably get to jail

# Storing you baby in the wank bank

# Gonna catch you later in the wank bank

# Don't need no vibrator in the wank bank

# Gonna ruin some socks on you

# Ruin some socks on you, baby

# Standing in the bakery Just buying us a snack

# Baby, you're so hot You almost caused a heart attack

# The meat inside in my sausage roll Is so warm and juicy

# And I just want to take it, babe and stick it...

# In my pocket

# Storing you, baby, in the wank bank

# Middle aged mama in the wank bank

# Ain't no legal drama in the wank bank

# Gonna ruin some socks on you

# Ruin some good socks on you, mama

# Sitting now just watching all the traffic fly through

# It's funny how there's always something sexy there for you

# Don't be worried, mister we're just staring at your ride

# The tightest little car exhaust we've ever wanted inside

# Storing that pipe in the wank bank

# No one's gonna see us in the wank bank

# You can't burn your penis in the wank bank

# Gonna ruin some socks on you

# Ruin some socks on you, baby

# Destroy those socks

# How'd I fail to notice this guy sitting here?

# If I just stare at you, would my intentions be clear?

# I love it when you stare at me I think I'll stare right back

# And think about it later When a sock sits on my sack

# Storing each other in the wank bank

# That ain't so surprising in the wank bank

# We've even had Mike Tyson in the wank bank

# Gonna ruin some socks on us

# That's where all your husband's socks are going, baby. #

VAN CHIME PLAYS

Can I help you?

Aye, can I have a packet of beef Monster Munch, please?

-We don't have any beefy.

-We don't have any beefy.

What have youse got?

-We've got pickly onions.

-We've got pickly onions.

-Then we've got burny hot flavour.

-And we've got burny hot flavour.

Stop repeating everything I'm saying.

Stop repeating everything I'm saying!

-I'm sorry about this.

-I'm sorry about this.

-Let me just have a wee word with my brother.

-Let me just have a wee word with my brother.

If you don't stop copying me I'll give you sherbet eyes

and I know how much you hate having sherbet eyes!

If you don't stop copying me I'll give you sherbet eyes

-and I know how much you hate having sherbet eyes!

-Can I have my crisps?

Could you just wait a second and not be so bloody rude?!

Could you just wait a second and not be so bloody rude?!

Right, copy this.

Right, copy this.

-Mn-mnah-mn-mnah!

-Mn-mnah-mn-mnah!

Abubba-dubba-umma-nmah-dibby!

Abubba-dubba-umma-nmah-dibby!

Walter is a stupid, silly, daft, rubbish wee idiot, stupid,

nae pals, nobody loves him, everybody hates him, Mammy never liked him, cannae play the accordion,

scared of the dark, smelly, smelly, smelly!

Walter is a stupid, silly, daft, rubbish wee idiot, stupid, nae pals,

nobody loves him, everybody hates him, Mammy never liked him, cannae play the accordion,

scared of the dark smelly, smelly, smelly! Anyway!

Ha! Got you! I never said "anyway"!

Ha! Got you! I never said "anyway" anyway!

That's two anyways! I certainly never said "anyway anyway".

That's two anyways! I certainly never said "anyway anyway" anyway!

How would you like it if I started copying you?

How would you like it if I started copying you?

-How would you like it if I copied you?

-You'd better stop copying me anyway!

You'd better stop copying me anyway!

Sherbet eyes!

Sherbet eyes!

Give me some water for my eyes!

Ginger berbet eyes!

Mr Cumber.

Mr Cumber, I think you'll be very pleased with the campaign we've come up with for Cumber's Pies.

We're certainly very excited, aren't we, Don?

Mr Cumber. It's Hugh, isn't it?

Hugh Cumber. Yes.

Hugh, we've got something very high-concept here.

Our Cumber's Pies commercial is so big,

it can't fit on one TV channel.

-How do you mean?

-We broadcast simultaneously across two channels.

On one channel, the left-hand side of the advert, on the next channel, the right hand side.

Not just widescreen.

Wider than screen.

Hugh. This is event TV.

Families pulling together two TV sets to celebrate that Cumber's name in style.

I like it!

OK. Run up!

And action!

Mmmm!

When I think delicious pies, I think Cumber's.

The word itself is enough to make your mouth water.

When I see this, I know that my food has been hand-baked in the kitchen that very day.

When I see this, I know it's going to be hot, fresh and tasty. Just the way I like it.

When I look at this, I see a hundred-year tradition of quality pies.

When I look at this, I'm reminded of special days with my mammy and my granny.

Because they've loved Cumber's Pies all their lives too.

And this is what I want to come home to at the end of the day.

Those delicious pies, hot from the oven.

Filling my house up with that familiar smell.

That nostalgic, unforgettable smell of Cumber's Pies.

Mmmm. Getting it right up my nostrils.

-Filling my lungs up with it.

-Cumber's.

Keeping my family's belly full for over 100 years.

And cut!

Very good, very good.

Margaret! It's about to start!

The advert's about to start!

-Where's the remote for this other telly? It's about to...

-'Mmmm!'

'The word itself is enough to make your mouth water.

'When I see this, I know it's going to be hot, fresh and tasty. Just the way I like it.

'When I look at this, I'm reminded of special days with my mammy and my granny. And this

'is what I want to come home to at the end of the day.

'Filling my house up with that familiar smell. Mmmm.

'Getting it right up my nostrils.

'Filling my lungs with it.

'Keeping my family's belly full for over 100 years.'

-Is this where the speed-dating carry-on is happening, son?

-Yes, it is.

We're just about to get started.

OK, everyone, in five we're off.

30 seconds with each lady, so keep it snappy, gents.

And...here...we...go!

Is that my hearing aid there?

I think you're supposed to come to me.

Oh, right.

Pleased to meet you, hen.

I'm Biscuity Boyle.

Burnistoun's favourite son.

Here we go, it's started already. I'm sorry, hen.

-20 seconds!

-It's fine, I..

Let me get this out for you...

I dunno why you'd be interested in me anyway, a broken-down old bastard like me.

I cannae get this out, hen.

Big fat hands like a bloated corpse, you know that way.

-Ten seconds!

-It's OK. Look, I probably won't drink it now anyway.

This is stuck here, hen.

Oh, I don't think this is going to work out between you and me anyway.

You, gorgeous, so stunning.

Me, a fat-handed waster that should get put down like a dog.

Shake hands and switch partners.

-Ah!

-Sorry, hen.

Oh, in the name...

Hi, I'm Sally.

Hi. Biscuity Boyle, Burnistoun's favourite son.

-Are you not having a seat?

-I cannae, hen.

I've got some right dramatic haemorrhoids coming on,

-just you talk away.

-20 seconds!

I quite like an older gentleman.

Do you have any bad habits?

Truthfully?

I've got a bit of a problem with flatulating gas out of my back passage.

My bladder's all shot to hell.

It's like a burst ball that's been left on a garage roof all winter.

I should live in a budgie cage with the amount of mess I make down there.

To be honest with you,

pecking away at a mirror would be mair company than I get the now.

Aw.

-I'm sorry, hen. Are you all right?

-It's fine.

Oh, no, no, no. Let me get that.

No, that's my...my spare teeth.

-I'm sorry, hen.

-Ten seconds!

-Let me...

-It's dirty!

-What am I like?

Trying to clean a young lassie's lovely face with a manky hanky.

I'm a joke. Here, let me use this.

It's fine, just go.

I'm sorry, hen. They should just stick me in a coffin, so they should.

Next partners, please!

Oh, in the name of the wee man.

PFFRT!

Did you catch that I let one off right on your dish there?

Oh, hen.

Your lovely wee face ruined.

I used to be an athlete.

I suppose I should put this fire out.

It's me that should be set on fire! I should be bloody cremated.

It gets me every time.

I never used to be like this, hen.

I used to be desirable.

I used to actually like myself.

Oh, don't stop. Just keep going, son.

Just bloody drown me, just bloody well drown me.

Show me some mercy. Show me some mercy.

Have you recently lost a loved one?

Are you having difficulty deciding whether to opt for a burial or a cremation?

-Bury him!

-Burn him!

-Bury him!

-Burn him!

If you simply can't make a decision on this, then why not choose

a half-and-half funeral from Herman Nichol's Funeral Directors?

Half-cremation, half-burial.

The best of both worlds.

Half-and-half.

It's not just for pizza.

I'm very impressed by your work in my very impressive company, Barry.

-You'll go far with us.

-Thanks, sir.

-I hope so.

-I like a boy with a bit of fire in his belly. Here, I've got a cracker of a joke for you.

There's this cannibal and he walks into a bookie's, and he's got a goldfish under...

'Oh, God, not a joke.

'Everybody says his jokes are rotten.

'I'm the world's worst at pretending I think a joke is funny.

'Right, build up to a laugh.

'Act like you're enjoying it.

'Smile, for Christ's sake!'

Are you all right, Barry?

Just a wee bit of heartburn, there.

You better watch your pen doesn't go on fire!

'Shit! That was a wee joke.

'Do a wee practice laugh here.'

HIGH-PITCHED GIGGLE

'Worst laugh ever.

'You cannot let him get to the end of this joke. Say you've heard it.'

I've heard it!

I've heard it.

Oh, you've heard that one?

What about this one? There's this Irish fella...

'Oh, God. No. This is the back-up joke.

'This is going to be even worse.

'Need to think of something.

'Cannae just say I've heard it again.'

I've heard it!

You've heard that one too.

Well, try this one on, then.

There's this fella, he buys a speedboat, right?

And the speedboat's full of crabs that are dressed as nuns...

'Right. You've reached the maximum with the I've-heard-its.'

I've heard it!

'What are you doing? This is now worse than a bad fake laugh.'

You've certainly heard a lot of jokes, Barry.

It's just working in an office, you know?

Oh, I bet you've not heard this one.

This wee fella, right, this parrot, right, he's on a pogo stick...

'Don't say you've heard it! Don't say you've heard it!'

I've heard it!

There's these two antelopes...

-I've heard it.

-There's this pharaoh...

-I've heard it.

-There's an Irish swan...

-I've heard it.

-There's a...

-I've heard it.

Aaaaaah!

Did Tony O'Hare put you up to this?

'Nod.'

I knew it. I knew this would be a wind-up.

Right, OK. You're lucky I've got a sense of humour, son.

Let's go back to that original joke.

'Fake a heart attack.'

Oh! Ohhh!

Son.

No, no. No, no!

No. Son, stay with me.

-'It worked.'

-Stay with me. And I'll tell you the rest of this joke.

'Pretend to die. Pretend to actually die. It's the only way.'

No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

All I lived for was to make this boy laugh.

'Too late - I'm deid!'

I've actually got a joke just for occasions like this.

-There's a crisp and a nut...

-I've heard it!

Here, I need a chat-up line.

Quick.

Just whisper that in her ear.

All right?

All right.

Hey, Danny, what did you tell him to say?

Billy! Why are you winching my brother? What did he say?

Hey, what was that all about?

I've never seen you kiss like that before.

What did he say?

You want to know what's written on that card, don't you?

Here, you! You're barred!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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