Episode 3 Burnistoun

This programme contains adult humour.

Hello! My name's Alex Ciderson, and I'm pleased to announce

our new product,

the Scarepie. Hee-hee-hee!

You've all heard of a scarecrow.

A scarecrow was designed for scaring away birds.

Such as, as the name scarecrow suggests, kestrels.

But Alex Ciderson's Scarepie is designed for something else -

scaring away wee pies.

Wee pies like me. Hiya!

HE SIGHS

We have a solution to the problem of wee pies

climbing into your garden during the night to piss in your pot plants.

Nae wee pie is going to want to mess with this fella.

The Scarepie is in the classic Alex Ciderson Alex Ciderson style,

and comes with three motion- sensitive threatening phrases.

Watch what happens when I approach the Scarepie.

'Come ahead, you total pie.'

'Oh, ya bun. Halt.'

'I'll stiffen you, you rascal, you.'

BREATHLESS

Unt...until now...

-<

-Give me a sec.

Also available now, Alex Ciderson's Alex Ciderson sex doll for women.

Oh, talk to me, Alex.

'Oh, ya bun. Halt. Come ahead, you total pie.'

Oh, I love it when you talk dirty!

'I'll stiffen you, you rascal, you.'

HUSKY-VOICED: I think your unique energy could combine with my unique energy

to create a new Big Bang.

A new sexual universe.

Eugh! There's a moth in my mouth!

Agh! Nuh...nuh...eugh!

Pth...gah!

Eugh! Mnuh...pth!

Mnuh...mnuh!

Eugh! Pth...pth...

HUSKY-VOICED: So how about we go back to my place

and start thinking about that...Big Bang?

I don't think so.

APPLAUSE

TENTATIVE GUITAR CHORDS

# You broke my heart My lover, my best friend

# Tore me apart There's no way to pretend

# You broke my heart in pieces Darling, do you comprehend?

# That is why I killed you in the end

# That drop of cyanide I slipped into your tea

# I laughed like fuck As you died in front of me

# And I pissed in your best slippers

# In your wig and in your bra

# Now your corpse is stinking out my car

# And now the polis are staunin' in the pub

# Should I run or just give myself up?

# I won't go down alone Oh, I'll take out half the bar

-# With this bomb that's strapped to my guitar. #

-BOMB BEEPS

Is Susan in?

No. She's away to the pictures wi' a pal.

Um...She said her printer was broke. I had a spare one, so I said I'd drop it in.

Better bring it in, then.

Nae bother.

Where do you want me to put it?

Don't care, mate.

Will I just...

Just put it on the carpet, mate.

Carpet's good for it.

I'm Ollie Green. I work with Susan.

Aye, I know. I've looked at pictures of you.

I mean, Susan's showed me them.

I'd better be off, then, eh?

She doesnae love me any more.

She says she doesnae love me.

I'm sorry to hear that, man.

Did she tell you about it?

N...No, it's not the kind of thing she'd talk to me about.

Listen, do you want a beer?

-Nah, I can't. I really need to go.

-Come on, have a beer.

I'm watching Bloodsport, it's just started.

-Do you like Bloodsport?

-Um...it's been years since I last saw it.

-I liked it when I was a boy, aye.

-Aye, I bet you'd be well into it, eh?

Come on, have a beer. Bit of Bloodsport.

Wee bit of Van Dammage.

And we'll set that printer up

and start printing all sorts of shit off, man. For a laugh.

Nah, mate, I cannae.

You can. My name's Tam. You can.

I cannae, Tam. It's ma maw's birthday.

I was just dropping that in on the way up to see her.

Aye, a man's got to prioritise.

I can respect that.

Uh...

..ink cartridges. For the printer.

Oh, good man. Good man.

It's a nightmare when you run out of the old ink, isn't it? No' think so yoursel'?

-No' think it's a nightmare?

-Aye. Aye, it's-it's a nightmare.

Listen, man, there really is a lot of beer in there for just one guy.

I need to go and see my maw.

I-I need to go and see my maw.

Mate...

..can you tell your maw I said happy birthday?

All right, aye.

I'll say it happened anyway!

What?

I'll tell people we did it with one another anyway.

So you might as well get some pleasure out of it.

I'll say it happened anyway.

TV PLAYS

Just take a seat, Uncle George.

My dad's not in the noo. My ma'll be out of the bath in a minute.

Aye, nae bother.

Is it true then?

Shush, Rosso.

My ma says we've not to talk about it.

-Is it, Uncle George? Is it true?

-What's that?

That you're going to be our new da?

-You what?

-My ma says you're going to be our new da.

Aye, that's why she's in the bath. She's leaning her boobs for you.

She's cleaning all the mud off them.

No, you got the wrong end of the stick.

Naw. She says she wants a hunk to be her live-in lover.

A baldy hunk.

She says she wants to do sex with you.

She says she wants to have a threesome with you, just the two of youse.

You shouldnae be talking like that at your ages, youse are 12!

Youse don't know anything about this stuff.

Aye, we know, we know what infertile means.

It means I cannae get any eggs to come out of my stauner when I rub it on the couch.

I'm not kidding you about my ma.

-She loves you.

-She tells us about it every night before bed. And then she shoots us with a crossbow.

Are you here to roast our mammy, Uncle George?

No, I'm just here to get a loan of something off your da.

Aye, get a loan of our ma so you can have a sex-fuelled coke orgy with her.

Will you get us a gun when you're our da, Uncle George?

Oh, if you get us a gun, we promise we'll no burst into the room when my mammy's pulling your G-spot.

She wants to bone you right up your orgasm, Uncle George.

Can we call you Uncle Da?

Can we call you Uncle Georgie G-Spot?

-Can we call you Uncle Orgasm, Da?

-Listen boys, I'm going to head.

So just tell your mum I'll be round later.

Will you give us a tenner each so we don't tell my da

-about all these things you've been saying to us?

-What things?

All the things we just said.

We couldn't have come up with all that stuff by ourselves. You must have said them.

You must have put all that filth into our wee minds.

HE SIGHS

Eh...what's the money for?

-Uncle George asked us to go out and score 10 wraps of Jamaican ecky jellies for him.

-George!

I thought you were clean now?!

SHE GIGGLES

-HUSKY-VOICED:

-I bet if you mix together

your shade of hot loving with my shade of hot loving,

we'd create a new colour...

sin-digo.

FLY BUZZES

Nyah! Oh there's a fly went up my nose!

Eugh!

Nmph! Nmph! Nmph! Nmph!

Oh, I've swallowed it!

HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

Pth! Oh, there it is.

-STAMPING

-Oh...that's the fourth fly this week.

-HUSKY-VOICED:

-So how about we go back to my place and start mixing some colours?

Nah. Some other time, maybe.

Anyway, Barry will be down in a minute.

Do you want a cup of tea? I'm about to put his dinner on.

-Aye, thanks, Mary, I just want to ask him something about the fives.

-All right, cool.

CRACKLING

You're...

Aye, I'm you. I'm you from the future. And I'm here to tell you something.

Get her pumped.

What?

Please, don't blow this opportunity.

In this timeline, if you grab Mary and winch her,

kiss her like you've never kissed a woman before,

she'll leave Barry and run away with you.

-Now hurry up! You don't have much time!

-But I...

Please. You've got to do this for both our sakes. Now I need to go.

The time stream's closing.

-MARY:

-Milk, aye?

-<

-Here we go.

There's your tea.

What...!

HE GROANS

Get your hands off me!

Oh! Oh!

-What's going on here?!

-John's just winched me!

You dirty bastard!

THEY CHEER

-HE LAUGHS

-I got me a belter!

I remember it now!

Look at my nose! Do you remember?

You winched me! I stuck the head on you! I remember now.

I leathered you for it!

Yas, mate. Yaas.

Here, let me go back in time and bam myself up.

Right. Wait 'til youse remember this one!

RADIO PLAYS

'Mon! Bit of Billy Idol!

I was just thinking, Toshan.

We're quality polis, aren't we?

Quality polis, McGregor!

MUSIC: "Hot In The City" by Billy Idol

You're steamin'!

GLASS SMASHES, THEY CHEER

Listen, we better go, that woman said she was going to phone the polis!

And what? What's the polis going to do?

POLICE SIREN APPROACHES

MUSIC PLAYS, POLICE SING

# Nothin's gonna stop us now

# And this world runs out of lovers

# We'll still have each other Nothin's going to stop us... #

-You should go on that X-Factor.

-Och, away.

You should - you've got a beautiful singing voice.

-Let them hear you do your Uptown Girl.

-# Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

# Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh... #

Aargh! Oh, you peppered me!

That's for all your stupid singing!

We're meant to be quality polis here!

-Youse saw that! That was assault! Sure it was?

-Get in the boot!

Oh, he's mental, hen. Listen, see if he arrests you, you'll never see your mammy again.

You'll never see her again!

-In the boot, you, come on!

-Oh...

-I'm taking your gun off you, you're off the case!

-He's flipped it.

We've not even got guns! We're Scottish! Youse better run!

Save yourselves, you wee angels!

-Get in the boot, Toshan!

-You'll never get away with this, McGregor, there's all these witnesses!

There'll no be any witnesses.

NAE WITNESSES!

How good was that?

Old fake pepper-spray routine, never fails. Quality, wasn't it?

Fist bump!

Let's go.

-Quality polis.

-Quality polis, McGregor. No' that way!

MUSIC: "Wipeout"

-What you eating?

-An Epiphany Continuum.

A what?

An Epiphany Continuum.

-From the supermarket.

-What's that?

I don't know...like pasta or something.

No, it's no' pasta.

-I don't know what it is.

-An Epiphany Continuum?

-Aye.

What kind of name is that for a ready meal?

-Is the box still in the kitchen?

-Aye.

Don't eat that!

-It's out of date.

-It'll be fine.

Mate, "Best Before: The Year Of Our Lord 1655".

It smells all right.

I don't know, man. I don't like the look of this packaging either.

Calum, I'm no' binning it. It was two quid!

Right. Look at the ingredients here, right?

"Primal matter, asp tongue mould,

"mandrake, the breath of God."

-That's all additives, mate.

-Calum, I'm eating my Epiphany Continuum, all right?

You're not my ma!

Mate...

Mate...

HE GASPS

You fainted, man.

Right after you ate that. You all right?

We're doomed.

It's over.

I saw things.

Terrible things.

I saw civilisations collapse.

Every living soul driven insane.

The world on fire.

Cities devastated.

Piles of bodies everywhere.

Flesh pits, burning in the moonlight.

I saw the sun...die.

Stars turning in on themselves.

The universe fracture into a nothingness.

And a malignant sentience behind it all,

watching, waiting...

What?

-You know what the worst of it is?

-What?

I'm still fucking starving.

ICE-CREAM VAN CHIMES PLAY

Bye, then, you silly wee man.

Right, let's get the candles on Mammy's birthday cake lit.

Where's the rest of the word letters, Walter?

Where is the "and Walter", Walter?

-Where's the "and Walter?!"

-It's in my "and belly!"

You've spoilt Mammy's cake!

It's my name and I can eat my name if I want to eat my own name anyway.

Fine. "To Mammy from Paul." She'll think it's just from me.

It was me that done everything as usual anyway.

Cos you don't care about your own mammy's ghost.

I do care. I made my mammy a birthday card all by my own

which is even more specialer than buying one from a rubbish shop man anyway!

-You made a birthday card?

-Mmm-hmm!

That's just a few slices of corned beef, Walter!

Read it anyway!

It says, "Once upon a time, to Mammy from Walter, your best son,

"your best wee baby boy, Paul is a big, stupid, smelly idiot

"and I hate him. The End."

And where does it say that?

I wrote it with my tongue and it just made a hole in the beef and you cannae read it properly,

because my tongue IS NOT A PEN, PAUL!

MY TONGUE IS NOT A PEN!

Our mammy was a queen.

Do you think Prince Charles turns round to the Queen on her birthday and says, "There you go, Mammy,

"there's a few slices of meat I Sellotaped together and made a hole in with my tongue?!"

I want the word letters of my name on that cake.

Tough!

You ate all the word letters.

-And don't forget what Mammy used to say to you when you used to steal all her pills.

-What?

Greedy people go to the bad fire.

Well, I'll just tell Jesus I'm sorry anyway.

Sorry's no' enough. You'll have to make a sacrifice.

For one whole week you have to give up eating Aeros.

NO! I'm never giving up eating Aeros!

It's the only way. Heaven or Aeros?

Jesus wants to know.

Jesus, you're a bad man ANYWAY!

Oh, don't you dare say that!

Heaven or Aeros?

Oh, Heaven or Aeros? Heaven or Aeros? Heaven or Aeros? Heaven or Aeros? Heaven or Aeros?

Oh! Aeros! I just want to eat Aeros all the time anyway.

Right, Mammy, time to light your cake.

Aargh!

Walter!

Right, I'll sit on your face.

I'm going to use this candle as a pen and I'm going to write my name on this cake.

And I'm going to take all the word letters of your name off so Mammy thinks it's just from me.

Get off my face, Walter, I can smell your yesterdays.

Just write my name!

There, there! There we go! A beautiful cake.

I spent money I haven't got getting that cake made!

All right? Going to give me an Aero?

No! You can go and tell your Jesus that nobody's getting an Aero

because it's all my chocolate anyway!

HE SOBS

There you go, Mammy, there's some of that cake I got for you.

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday to you... #

You're a bad man, Jesus!

# Happy birthday to you. #

There he is.

Mr Cocklefroth.

Do you not remember me, Mr Cocklefroth?

William Dunn?

My goodness. I've been seeing and hearing a lot of you, William.

I'm delighted to see you doing so well.

Oh, so you're happy for me, are you?

-Of course.

-So you don't remember what you said to me?

The one single thing that's motivated me to do so well in my life.

So, I could come back here and shove it in your face.

What did I say?

You said to me,

"William Dunn, you'll never amount to anything.

"You'll never amount to anything."

Oh, no, you see, I've got an excellent memory, William.

I would never say that to any pupil, I certainly never said it to you.

Maybe you should think about that a wee bit harder.

Yeah, so Biscuity Boyle himself is going to be coming and giving out prizes at the sports day.

He can still beat half these boys, what an athlete he is.

..William Dunn, will you please stop mounting everything?

Will you stop mounting everything, I said.

Stop mounting everything.

Glad to see you doing so well anyway.

I think it's an area of the company where we have been guilty of under-investment.

-Really?

-Absolutely. We haven't increased investment there since 2002.

I mean, that's almost a decade with no increase in budget.

And the strain is starting to show, it really is. I...

Could you excuse me for just a second, Harry?

Hey!

Yeeeeesssssssssss!!!! Yeeeessss!

Dull yin, man. Dull yin.

Yeeessssss, whooooo!

-HUSKY-VOICED:

-I bet if your love stream crossed with my love stream

we'd create one of the great oceans of love.

WASP BUZZES

Argh! There's a wasp in my mooth!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

HE SPLUTTERS

Oooh, I can feel it in my belly.

It's stung me, it's stung me. Ooh.

It's stung my throat.

It's swelling up! It's swelling up!

HE GROANS

-Have you got any baking soda or garlic?

-No!

We need to get something down his throat that'll neutralise that sting.

It'll need to be urine!

-Oh, oh, that's it.

-That'll do it.

Oh, I can breathe. Uh... Uh...

HE WHEEZES AND COUGHS

-HUSKY-VOICED:

-So how about we go back to my place

and we can drink from my ocean of love?

Oh, God, no!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.

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