Episode 4 Burnistoun

This programme contains adult humour.

All right, mate?

All right, mate. Pure para about getting spotted, man.

All that Fleeto mob are efter us.

Well, the Fleeto mob don't drink in here, Gary, so you can probably take that big hood down.

I've got a lot mair than them to worry about, man - got to keep my eyes peeled, know?

Is there no' mair chance of people spotting you with that big hood up?

Oh, maybe mate. Maybe.

-What happened to your hair?

-I was reading about that alopecia.

I was pure paranoid about catching it man, so I just shaved a' my hair aff.

Actually I think I'll put it back up.

I'm pure paranoid about getting called 'baldy".

Well, listen, I was just about to cut out for a fag. Do you want one?

No. You don't wash yer haunds after you've been to the bog.

What?

You touch your genitals, then yer fags, gie me one o' them

then I've got gonorrhoea and VD all over my lips, mate.

Gary, I've no' got VD or gonorrhoea.

Can you 100% guarantee that, mate? You been tested, mate?

I'm pure para about stuff like that.

I don't need tested. I'm happily married to Susan.

SHE been tested?

-Don't even go there, mate.

-Mate - she's a nice lassie, but people sleep aboot.

If it can happen to Cheryl Cole, mate, it can happen to you.

Wee Cheryl's pure para as anything noo, man.

HE SIGHS

Mate...

-What?

-Mate...

See that lassie over there in the corner with the brown hair?

-What about her?

-That's one of Pauline's pals from the work.

-And what?

-If Pauline finds oot I was here with her I'll be getting the third degree, man.

Pauline's pure para about stuff like that.

Gary, you're no' in here with her!

Oh, mate. It disnae matter, it disnae matter. It's no' worth it.

I'll need to create a diversion.

GLASS SHATTERS

Later, mate.

Here... Wear a johnny.

He looks like a grass for the social.

That's a camera.

Well, the financial reports are in...

and I'm afraid things don't look good.

Sales of the Eegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Bee were much lower than projected.

I honestly think the Eegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Bee is a great product.

We just need to get this whole Eegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Bee thing

into the public consciousness.

Eegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Bee...

'Oggie Boggie Boggie Boggie Boggie Boggie Boo!'

Will SOMEBODY please tell me why this isn't selling?!

Perhaps we're aiming it at the wrong demographic.

Instead of marketing the Eegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Bee at

young professionals and housewives, MAYBE should be aiming it at kids?

-BOTH:

-Ohhh...

Jack and I took the liberty of doing some focus group tests with children.

Hello, children.

How would you like me to climb in your window tonight and leave

one of these under your sheets?

It's really trendy, and ticks a lot of boxes for our company.

Here's Steve Regards to tell you all about it.

Hello, members of the youth demographic.

This is the Eegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Bee...

a disruptive new product that converts the phrase

"Eegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Bee"

into the phrase "Oggie Boggie Boggie Boggie Boggie Boggie Boo."

You, little girl...

Would you like to interface with the product?

Eegie Beegie!

It's Eegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Bee.

Eegie Beegie Beegie!

"Eegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Bee"! Say that.

Eegie Beegie Bee.

Eegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Bee!

Now, you look here, missus.

It cost a lot of money to assemble this focus group so

you're going to say "Eegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Bee"!

Eegie Beegie Bee...Beegie Beegie.

Eegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Bee!

-Don't shout at her.

-Touch me again, Steve! Go, on I dare ye!

Eegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Bee!

Eegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Beegie Bee!

SHE SCREAMS Mummy...!

Fifty thousand pounds down the drain.

God...!

'Oggie Boggie Boggie Boggie Boggie Boggie Boo.'

The kids seemed to love it. What do YOU think?

I think...

I should have done THIS a long time ago!

David! You can't.

Show him, Jack.

WOMEN SCREAM

Oggie Boggie Boggie Boggie Boggie Boo...

Oggie Boggie Boggie Boggie Boggie Boggie Boo...

RETCHING AND VOMITING OUTSIDE

Well, I mean I think the idea of a boxing gym

being a place that is purely for hard young men to come and prove themselves is completely out of date.

People come down here to learn how to box, yes, but people also

come down here because it is an excellent way to get fit.

Hitting the bag can be a great way to release stress...

people come for the camaraderie.

If you're holding the bag or holding the mitts for someone, then, you know,

there's a social aspect to it too. There are many, many varied reasons

for coming down to the boxing gym.

Is that you all done?

MUFFLED CRIES

God... That was amazing!

All kinds of reasons.

Doberman Man!

I've got a city to protect, Superintendent.

Burnistoun never sleeps! Make it quick.

It's the Taletwister.

He's back in Burnistoun... and he's planning a bank heist.

The Taletwister?

I've got bigger fish tae fry than the Taletwister.

-Who?

-My arch-nemesis.

Big Sanny Tollan's Boy.

Is that the guy that hassled you at school?

"Hassled me at school"?!

He used to make me shag a pole in the school playground!

Sure, it's embarrassing, but you know - a bank heist!

I put a Doberbug on Big Sanny Tollan's Boy's phone.

I heard him gloating aboot his crimes!

You can play it back on my iDober.

'Aye - Doberman Man! I wis at school wi' that wee virgin!

'We used to make him dry-ride a pole an' all sorts!

'Doberman Man? "Dobber man", mair like!'

Argh! Turn it off!

All these years later, and he's still telling people that I'm a virgin!

My internal systems have analysed his speech patterns.

-And what do they tell you?

-That he's a total dick and I hate him!

Me and Big Sanny Tollan's Boy, we go back a long way.

He made me what I am!

Him and his pals

used to make me hump a pole in the school playground. And I did.

Because I was scared.

But that all changed,

the night a Doberman jumped through my bedroom window -

and I learned a very important thing.

-What?

-That wee dicks

are a cowardly and superstitious bunch of wee dicks - and I HATE THEM!

Burnistoun has been a better place, since that Doberman jumped through your windae.

I will NOT let wee dicks over-run this Burnistoun...

No young man will get slagged off

for being a virgin, on MY watch. You have my word!

Aye, but what about The Taletwister?

Priorities!

Just you remember...

there's nothing wrong wi' being a virgin.

All right.

Did you say something when I left there?

There isnae anything wrang with being a virgin.

No... I didn't say a thing.

I've got a girlfriend!

OK!

-Darryl!

-Crabby, my man. How long's it been?

Oh, man. What, it must be, what - ten, fifteen year?

Oh, at least, man.

-What you been up to?

-Oh, nothing, man.

-What... Nothing?

-No. Not really.

-What, in fifteen year?

-Aye.

No' one thing worth mentioning?

-No, mate. No' really.

-No' one thing?

-No' one.

There must be one thing you've done in fifteen year, mate.

No, mate. Nowt.

-Right - just tell me one thing you've done.

-No, mate.

-One thing!

-I've not done anything.

-Just tell me one thing.

-No, mate.

-Just tell me one thing you've done.

No. I've no' done anything in the last fifteen years. Nothin'.

-Just tell me one thing you've done.

-No.

-Just tell me one thing you've done.

-No.

-Just tell me one thing you've done.

-No.

-Just tell me one thing you've done.

-No.

-Just tell me one thing you've done.

-No.

-Just tell me one thing you've done.

-No.

-Just tell me one thing you've done.

-No.

-Just tell me one thing you've done.

-No.

-Anyway, mate, nice to see you again.

-Aye, brilliant seeing you, man!

POUNDING MUSIC

I'm not really into this.

What, you're no' into gettin' a dance aff o' a beautiful lassie? F'n' shut up.

What are we supposed to dae here?

You're not impressing anybody wi' your "nice guy" routine, right?

Just stare at the gorgeous hauf-naked lassie o'er there.

This is awkward...

Who are you trying to impress with this crap?

Germaine Greer isnae here. All right?

Now, man up. I'll get us a private dance.

-No, you won't.

-Aye, I will.

For 30 quid, we get these gorgeous lassies writhing about, about one foot away from us.

One foot? I'll no' know where to look.

You'll look at whatever they shove into your face!

We're no' perving, mate, they're dancing for us!

Dancin' for the money, mate - no' for us, for the money!

Well, I want a dance.

And I'm no' sitting here getting a dance while you're sitting there hitting a beamer.

So you're getting one an' a!

I don't want.

Look at that lassie.

Look at them.

-Look at that.

-No...

-Look at that dancin' lassie!

-I don't want to look, I don't like it!

-Look at her!

Look at that lassie!

No. No, I don't like it,

-I don't wannae.

-Och, man up!

Be a man. Be a man!

No! Leave me, it's distasteful!

-You're no' tastin' her, you're just looking at her! LOOK AT HER!

-Naw...

Stare at that gorgeous sexy lassie.

Bore your eyes right intae the sexy body of that sexy lassie!

Right, youse... Oot!

Come on. Oot!

Ah, yes! What's the damage?

Well...Aggressive Pal Experience is £150,

and Awkward Scenario Fetish Roleplay was 80.

There's 250. That was amazing.

Thank you.

Right...

Now, as far as I see it we have two outstanding young candidates.

Gail Park, and Bruce...

KNOCK AT DOOR

Is this the interview for the bank manager's job?

Yes. We've just finished.

You've no' seen me yet.

-Were you on the list?

-Naw. I didn't even apply or anything, man.

Are you one of our employees?

Nope. Never worked in a bank in my life but I'll tell you somethin'.

I've been watching all your interviewees oot there.

-And do you know what?

-What?

They're a' dicks!

-"Dicks"?

-Dicks - the lot o' them.

I bet they came in here givin' it all turnover and profits and blah blah blah. Who cares? Am I right?

-Well...

-Exactly. Dicks. Here's what I would have done...

Boom! Cartwheel. Any of 'em dae that?

Well... No.

Any of them dae this?

Eh? Look at the speed o' these haunds.

Bill, this boy's got something.

He reminds me of myself when I wore those clothes.

If we gave you the job...would you be willing to get your nose down and LEARN the banking trade?

Nope. Because banking...is a bore.

If either of you two came into my office

and started yapping on about banking, I'd be like this...

Doosh! Doosh!

Doosh! Doosh!

-That was... That was a real one!

-Watch. Forward roll.

This boy is outstanding. Son, the job's yours.

You're the new manager of our Burnistoun East branch.

Good move. Now, who's HIS boss?

Well, I am.

Cos I tell you what, big man -

I want his job as well now, because he is also a dick.

-You can't call me a...

-No - Bill, he's right.

You ARE a dick. You're a dick, and you're fired.

Now, c'mon - get out, you dick.

Congratulations. You're the new head of Scottish Operations.

Thanks. You're fired.

Oh, no, no. You cannae fire me, I'm YOUR boss.

How can you be MY boss? Can you dae this?

HE SINGS TO HIMSELF

# Durr, dur-dur durr-dur, dur-dur durr-dur...

# Ba-da pa-paa, ba-da pa-paa, hoi! #

Hello! This is Brian Bluff, eh, the UK Operations Chief?

Can I have the CEO on the phone please?

Is this the CEO?

Can you dae this?!

These next guys are down from Bonnie Scotland,

from the city of Burnistoun -

and this is their first appearance on Top of the Pops,

it's...The Murderers!

WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

# This is our first appearance and the first time you will hear us

# And when you are all 50 you'll remember this so clearly

# When we were on your telly, before you had a belly

# When life was still a voyage, and before you had a mortgage #

# And we're...all dead, now!

# The show we're on is axed now, and all these girls are old cows

# You're watching this on YouTube, as you recall your youth

# When music was amazing When nights out were exciting

# When sex was still surprising, possibilities were rising

# But we're...all dead, now!

# But we're...all dead, now!

# You were our biggest fan then, you followed us all over

# And then you met some someone And you shagged them in your Rover

# And rushed straight into marriage

# They're the best you thought you'd manage

# And now you are a parent and your future's all but vanished

# And we're...all dead, now!

# He died in '87 He hung himself in prison

# He died in 1993, a massive aneurysm

# And he died in his grubby flat, a poor forgotten junkie

# And I died in an altercation

# With an escaped monkey

# That's why...we're all dead, now!

# That's why...we're all dead, now!

# And soon you all will join us! And soon you all will join us!

# Inevitably join us! Inevitably join us!

# And soon you all will join us! And soon you all will join us!

-# Inevitably join us!

-WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

PUMPED-UP ACTION MUSIC

'Coming soon to BBC Burnistoun.

'Action and adventure, in Bunnetcatcher!'

Bunnetcatcherrrrrr!

'Breaking news: A group of children wearing bunnets on their heads

'are being held hostage by a man wielding a powerful office fan.'

I'm gonnae switch this on, and blow their wee bunnets aff their heids!

LAUGHS MANICALLY

Bunnetcatcher!

You even caught MY bunnet, Bunnetcatcher!

After everything I've done.

Why?!

A wise man once told me...

"A bunnet...cannot choose the heid

"that it bunnets."

When my hand slips, I want you to catch my bunnet. Forget about me.

-But you'll die!

-You are Bunnetcatcher! Catch my bunnet!

I was yer father, by the way.

Don't see you in fifteen years, then twice in two days.

-This is mair like it, eh?

-Aye.

-So what were you doing LAST night?

Ah, nothin', man.

-You must have done something, mate.

-No, mate.

You don't have to tell me anything interesting - just tell me anything.

No, I've no' done anything mate.

-You been to the toilet?

-No, mate.

In the 24 hours since I last saw you,

-you've not even been to the toilet?

-No.

-Just tell me one thing you've done.

-No.

-Just tell me one thing you've done.

-No.

-Just tell me one thing you've done.

-No.

-Just tell me one thing you've done.

-No.

-Just tell me one thing you've done.

-No.

-Just tell me one thing you've done.

-No.

-Just tell me one thing you've done.

-No.

-Just tell me one thing you've done.

-No.

-Just tell me one thing you've done.

-No.

-One!

-No.

-One!

-No.

-One!

-No.

-One!

-No.

-One!

-No.

-One!

-No.

-One!

-No.

-One!

-No.

-One!

-No.

Anyway, it's mental seeing you again man, two days in a row.

Aye, brilliant!

-Just tell me one thing you've done.

-No.

Will you tell me where I'm going, M?

I suppose I'll have to.

You're going to Burnistoun, Bond.

Burnistoun?

That's where my first love was killed.

I'll never forget you, Jackie.

It was...Kelly, wasn't it?

Yes. I'll never forget you, Kelly.

Hmm.

I'll leave you in Q's capable hands.

Ignore her, Q, she's very cruel.

What do you have for me?

With you going to Bonnie Scotland, 007,

we've adapted some cultural items into gadgets for you.

Take a look at this. It's a sausage supper.

Which is...?

Well, you would know it as sausage and chips.

But in Scotland, they call it...a supper.

Because they only have it at supper time?

No. Because they DON'T only have it at supper time.

The Scots would eat things like this for breakfast. It's an ironic title.

I see. And what does it do?

Pick it up.

That pickled onion there. Give it a push.

Now, that fellow's had HIS chips.

Very funny. Let me show you this now, Bond.

Do you know what that is?

It looks like a plastic receptacle for...fizzy pop.

Mmm. It's a two-litre bottle of ginger.

-But we've filled it with an extra-fizzy liquid.

-Which means?

Put it under your bottom.

Now unscrew that cap.

Now, that was a gas...

Q LAUGHS HEARTILY

Very, very funny, Bond.

This is the last gadget have for you today -

it's a tin of shortbread. But no ordinary shortbread, Bond.

For when you want to finish a mission in a hurry, just eat this shortbread,

and every sentence you say will be very, very much shorter.

-When does...

-Right away.

-How long...

-For the rest of the day.

-You've really outdone...

-Thank you.

-Aren't you having...

-I think I will.

-Who made...

-It was made...

-Your wife is...

-I'm a very...

-Are your hooks...

-Number twos are...

I think I'll...

-It's.

-I.

-If.

-Not.

-For.

-That's.

-Look.

-Not.

-She.

-Did?

Only...

-Ha.

-Ha.

-Ha.

-Ha.

-Ha.

-Ha.

-Ha.

-Ha.

-Ha.

-Ha.

THWACK!

Cheers, mate, what was that...15.20?

Right, cool mate. Just, just a wee second, right?

-15.20!

-Naw...

Naw, naw, naw, naw, it cannae be - we counted it up!

15.20, mate.

I was sure it was gonnae to be under 15!

I knew we were cuttin' it too fine.

Oh, naw! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

Are you sure you've nae money?

-No change, have you checked your pockets?

-I've already checked them, I've checked them!

15.20, mate, this is a nightmare. What are we gonnae do?

I don't know. This is unprecedented.

I mean, aye - we all joke about this happening, but it never does.

-Never happens!

-But now it HAS happened.

It's happened, mate! We're doon the rabbit hole now, mate.

STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!

Why did we ever think 15 was enough?!

-There must be a 20 pence piece in this hoose somewhere!

-Mate...

There has tae be a tip as well, Ronnie!

-It's no' just about the 20p, there's got to be a tip as well!

-Calm down!

WE NEED A TIP AS WELL, MATE!

CALM DOWN! Enough!

We...will turn this hoose upside doon if we have tae.

We will find change in here, if it kills us!

Mate, there's nae money in here!

Calm doon. Man up. Come on, Man up!

UP! UP! UP!

RONNIE EXHALES TENSELY

I can't, mate. I am FREAKIN' it here! Stupid 15 quid!

STUPID FIFTEEN QUID! Can't even buy a couple of guys their dinner.

I'm tearin' this up, mate. I'm going to tear this up.

No, Stevie!

It has to be done, Ronnie!

RONNIE GROANS

HE HOWLS IN ANGUISH

You didnae...!

You didnae!

I had tae.

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TAE US?!

I knew it, man...

I knew somethin' bad was gonnae happen to me.

YOU'VE FINISHED US!

WE SHOULD NEVER HAVE ORDERED YOU! I SHOULD NEVER HAVE ORDERED YOU!

RONNIE BAWLS AND WAILS

RONNIE'S SCREAMING GOES ON AND ON

That sounds like a good party you're having.

By the way, did I say 15.20? It's only 14.20.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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