Episode 1 Burnistoun


Episode 1

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Transcript


LineFromTo

What's your name?

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Donny McMonagle. Is there a problem, Officer?

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We'll find out in a minute. Suck into this.

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Suck? Do I not blow?

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You suck these new ones. Hurry up.

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Now what did you say your name was, again?

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-SQUEAKY VOICE

-Donny McMonagle.

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THEY LAUGH

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Hey, that's no funny! I'll be putting a complaint in about this!

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BOTH: Quality polis, man!

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Hey, see you later, Orville!

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Em... Just a cappuccino, please.

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To take away, or sit in?

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Aw, to sit in, thanks.

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OK. Right over here.

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That's great, thanks.

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THUMPING TECHNO

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Awright? I'm Jolly Boy John.

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Jolly Boy John holding a wee plank o' wood is for real.

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Jolly Boy John sniffing a wee plank o' wood is for real.

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I love sniffing planks.

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Jolly Boy John phoning up joiners to tell them their planks o' wood

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are getting sniffed is for real.

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Awright, mate. Are you the joiner? You're getting your planks sniffed.

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I'm coming down there to sniff your planks, wee man.

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Your planks are getting sniffed, stupid joiner boy.

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Jolly Boy John wearing all his da's false teeth like earrings

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and getting a squirrel in a bunnet up his hoose

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to sniff some planks of wood is for real.

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# A squirrel in a bunnet A squirrel in a bunnet

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# A squirrel in a bunnet Plank sniffers for life

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# A squirrel in a bunnet A squirrel in a bunnet. #

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Trevor McDonald. Moira Stewart. Peter Sissons.

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Youse say the news is that youse want to be as For Real as Jolly Boy John.

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Balls.

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Balls.

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Balls.

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SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE

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Here, boys, boys!

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Here, Tommy!

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Listen, I've got a new song for the day.

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-Here we go.

-What now?

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You see, when the other mob score, we sing this.

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# We don't like it when you score

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# Please don't do it any more

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# You're ruining a nice day out! #

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-Terrible.

-Terrible, Tommy.

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# And youse are bastards. #

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THEY LAUGH HAPPILY

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There are lovers, and there are lovers.

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And then there's me.

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All right, lads? What do you want?

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Vodka and coke for me and a pint of cider for my brah.

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Your bra?

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No, no my bra. My brah.

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No your bra, your bra?

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Did I say, "No my bra, my bra?" No, I said, "No my bra, my brah."

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You saying my brah's calling me a bra?

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All right, brah, I'll deal with this.

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Now my brah things his ain brah's calling him a bra.

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I don't want rumours I got called a bra by my ain brah.

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-He wouldn't do that to me.

-I wouldnae do that to my brah.

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It sounds like you're saying bra.

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Look, mate, it's simple, right? Mother, father, sister, brah.

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My brah, mate. My brah. No my bra, no...

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My bra.

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No my bra.

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SNORING

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HE CONTINUES SNORING

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Stop. Right. There.

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'Sake, man. Every time.

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You're on that couch sleeping all night and when I come in late

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and try and sneak past you, you always catch me.

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How do you do it, Da?

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Cos I'm the best, hen.

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Stop. Right. There.

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Stop. Right. There.

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Pish!

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Stop. Right. There.

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Arsehole!

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I'm the best.

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Hullo. Stick yer hauns up your wheecht for Harry MacLowdery.

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HE APPLAUDS

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# Awa deocht a drouth an ken tae wae a gley

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# An tak awa the deoch ahin the haunsy

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# Nae ken tae tak ye awa an tak awa

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# An Lady Gaga's tourin' wi' Beyonce. #

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OK, nice easy one to start off the quiz for you today, George.

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'The national anthem of Great Britain.'

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What's the missing word?

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God Save The...?

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Eh, God Save The...

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Pandas?

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No. Why would the national anthem be God Save The Pandas?

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Well, they're nearly extinct.

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It's God Save the Queen, George.

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Ach, I would never have got that. I'm no into football.

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Football? Let's move on to the next one. It's the musical odd one out.

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Aw, cool. Music's my thing.

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OK. Who is the odd one out?

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John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison or Charlie Watts?

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I assume you know who all these people are, George?

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Aye. John Lennon, Paul McCartney and George Harrison were in The Beatles.

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Charlie Watts is the drummer for the Rolling Stones.

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'Exactly. So who's the odd one out?'

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George Harrison?

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Wrong. Why would you say George Harrison?

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He's the only one with the same name as me.

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The question isn't related to you, George, OK?

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It's a musical odd one out. The musical element is the key.

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Right, right, I've got you.

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Right, OK. So, who's the odd one out?

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George Harrison.

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-No!

-Aye. He's the only one that plays lead guitar.

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Look. They all play different instruments George, OK?

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We're not going to have a wrong answer. We're going to get it right.

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Now, it's far more obvious than that.

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Mair obvious? Right. OK.

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The most obvious, George, the most obvious. So, what's the answer?

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George Harrison.

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He's the only one whose initials follow each other in the alphabet.

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GH.

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No! Look, you practically told me what the answer was

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when you said who they were and what bands they were in.

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So it's something to do with The Beatles and the Rolling Stones?

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Of course it is.

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'Right, right, OK.'

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Charlie Watts is in the Rolling Stones.

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John Lennon and Paul McCartney, I think,

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wrote one of the Rolling Stones' first singles,

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so the odd one out is George Harrison

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because he didn't have anything to do with the Stones.

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No, George! No! The answer is not George Harrison.

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'It's obvious. Three of them played in what band?'

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The Beatles.

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And one of them played in what other band?

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The Rolling Sto...

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What an idiot. Right, I've got you, I've got you now, I've got you.

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You're sure?

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Aye, aye.

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You're not going to say George Harrison again?

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-HE SCOFFS

-No.

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OK. John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Charlie Watts,

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finally, George, who's the odd one out?

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Ringo Starr.

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-No!

-Aye. He's the only one of The Beatles left out.

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He wasn't even an option!

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You swapped Ringo Starr for Charlie Watts.

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Yes, so Charlie Watts is the odd one out.

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No. Charlie Watts is the odd one in. Charlie's in. Ringo's out.

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Oh, God!

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Hullo? Mate, do you have any quizzes about fish suppers?

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Or any quizzes about sausage suppers?

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Can I say hello to my friends at the Society for Lopsided Goats?

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Mate?

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Wooden pallets.

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Wooden pallets.

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Wooden pallets. Wooden pallets.

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Wooden pallets.

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Wooden pallets. Wooden pallets.

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Wooden pallets.

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Wooden pallets.

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Pallets.

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Pallets.

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Pallets.

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Wooden palle-e-e-ts.

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Excuse me. Do you sell wooden pallets?

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Naw.

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HE GIGGLES

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Just banter. It's all we sell.

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Wooden pallets. What else is there to know?

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Here's the shop.

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Here it is on a map.

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Here's yer maw inside the shop.

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Wooden. Wooden. Wooden. Wooden.

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Wooden. Wooden. Wooden. Wooden.

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Wooden. Wooden. Wooden. Wooden.

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-Woode-e-e-e-n.

-Pallets!

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-Woode-e-e-e-n.

-Pallets!

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-Woode-e-e-e-n.

-Pallets!

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Woode-e-e-e-n.

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Pallets! Pallets! Pallets! Pallets! Pallets!

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Pallets! Pallets! Pallets! Pallets! Pallets!

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Wooden pallets.

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Lewis, so glad to see you finally made it. What happened?

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My dad said to give you this.

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OK, Lewis, that's fine. Go and sit down.

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-John, thanks for coming.

-Thanks for asking me to come.

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Thanks for reading the email so promptly.

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Thanks for pencilling me in so quickly.

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Thanks for making yourself available at such short notice.

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-Thanks for being so polite.

-Thanks for noticing.

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-Would you like a cup of tea?

-Yes, thank you for asking.

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Oh, there you are now.

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Thanks for not being difficult and asking for a different drink.

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Thanks for having some tea at hand in spite of you preferring coffee.

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Thanks for noticing coffee is my favourite drink.

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Thanks for noticing how observant I am.

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Thanks.

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I'll tell you what it is. It's about... Oh, before that.

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Thanks for filling in this application form so tidily.

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Thanks for issuing such a straight forward application form.

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Thanks for using block capitals and a black pen.

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Thanks for insisting on a black pen, my favourite colour of pen.

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Thanks for telling me your favourite colours and beverages.

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Thanks for making me this lovely cup of tea.

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Thanks for not slurping your tea there but silently sipping.

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-Thanks.

-Thanks.

-Thanks.

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Anyway, this application form... Oh, by the way,

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thanks for the lovely pressed flowers.

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Oh, thanks for inspiring me to start my flower pressing hobby again.

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HE SNIFFS PAPER

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Thanks for reminding me of summer days on my grandfather's farm.

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Thanks for reminding me of my late grandmother, who I dearly loved.

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-Thanks.

-Thanks.

-So here's the issue.

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At the end of the personal bio, there's a word

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and it's the one word that we can't understand here in the office

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because the ink is smudged.

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Oh, thanks for letting me know.

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It starts with a T.

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-A T?

-Yes.

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"And that is why I think I'll be a perfect fit for your company

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"and the type of people who work there".

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And then that word, T-smudge-S.

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T and then an S at the end.

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Thanks for trying to work this out. Very helpful here.

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Thanks.

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Oooooh, no, sorry, no idea what I was going on about there.

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Well, there's a theory in the office that it might be the word tossers.

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Tossers?!

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"And that is why I think I might be a perfect fit for your company

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"and the type of people who work there, tossers."

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Oh, dear, dear, dear, dear, dear. I suppose it must be that then

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because I can't think what else it could possibly be.

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Well, in that case, your application is rejected. Thanks for coming.

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-Thanks for asking me.

-Thanks.

-Thanks.

-Thanks.

-Thanks.

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-Seriously, thanks.

-Thanks.

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-Thanks.

-Thank you.

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John, John, thanks.

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Let me tell you this, I thank you.

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-Thanks.

-Thanks.

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Balls.

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No balls.

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-Balls.

-No balls.

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-Balls.

-No balls.

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-Balls.

-No balls.

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Balls.

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Where do you think you're going?

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Where do you think you're going?

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Aw, pish!

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Where do you think you're going?

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How do you always know?

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Cos I'm the best, hen. The best.

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THEY GIGGLE

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HE SIGHS DISGUSTEDLY

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'Sake!

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Come on.

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Right, that's it! Get a room, you pair.

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Come on, May, we're leaving.

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'The University of Burnistoun presents Snide Looks 101.

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'A beginners' guide to pulling snidey faces.'

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Coming to a cinema this fall,

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open your heart to cinema's hottest new hunky star.

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I've never dated a Scotsman before.

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Are you as wild and crazy as people say?

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Oh, there's nothing so wild and crazy as the Scoddish.

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What ye talking like that fur?

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Sorry, who are you?

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Oh, I'm just a real guy, mate. Just like the old guys from Scotland.

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The question is, who are you, mate? Where are you fae?

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I'm from Scodland.

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Scodland? Who says Scotland like that, mate?

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I'll tell ye who.

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Scottish actors that have slagged their way to Hollywood...

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and fannies.

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How d'ye no just say Sco'land like a real guy,

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like your da or your uncle would say it.

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Sco'land. Sco'land. Sco'land.

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Nae D sound in there, mate.

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No even a T sound in there.

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Just an UH. Sco-uh-land.

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Look, buddy, we're trying to have a romandic dinner here.

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Buddy?

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Buddy, mate? Who says buddy in Scotland?

0:17:040:17:08

Why can ye no call guys things that real guys call guys?

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Things like mucker, mate, Jim, chief, pal, big yin, wee yin.

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Things like yer da, yer uncle would call yer uncle or da.

0:17:150:17:19

Here, mucker, ye goin' to the Scotland game tonight?

0:17:190:17:21

Naw, naw, naw, naw, naw, naw, naw, naw,

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I'm goin' tae Hollywood so I can say Scotland like this.

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Scodland.

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And call a real guy...buddy.

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What do ye want fer yer dinner?

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I'll have the chicken.

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I'll have the toona.

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Toona?

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Chuna, mate, chuna. Ch, ch, ch, chuna.

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What's with arseholes and the letter T?

0:17:450:17:48

Scottish guys, mate, real guys, we pronounce the letter T wi' a CH.

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Mon, hen, 'mon you wi' a real guy, cos this guy...

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is a cunch.

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HE LAUGHS

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Here, Emma, come and see this stoater.

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SHE LAUGHS

0:18:320:18:33

When you're that out of it, you're stoating like that,

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-there's nothing will stop ye.

-I know.

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-What speed do you think he's going?

-Mmm, three mile an hour?

0:18:410:18:45

That's what I thought.

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ALARM BEEPS

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HE CHUCKLES

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There he is, there he's there.

0:19:100:19:12

Aw, you've got Sat Nav now?

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Aye, got it for my birthday.

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Got a celebrity voice on it?

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Naw. Came with my dad's voice on it.

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Your dad's voice?

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'D'ye never think of giein the inside of this motor a clean, son?

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'Left, left, left, left, left!

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'I said left for buck's sake. Are you deef?'

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I was past the turn before you said it.

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'Should have buckin drove myself. Burly about.'

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-HE LAUGHS

-That's pretty good. That sounds just like him.

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'Are you no a fan of indicators, Derek?

0:19:560:19:58

'They're these wee flashing lights

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'that let other drivers know your manoeuvres.

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'Sack that, go straight on. Whenever you're ready.'

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INDICATOR TICKS

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'Switch that indicator off. It's no big deal.

0:20:070:20:10

'It's only the language of the road that the rest of us all use.

0:20:100:20:12

'It's no Brands Hatch, son.'

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I wasnae goin' fast.

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'Pull over, I'll just walk.

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'I always said I wanted cremated but no right now

0:20:170:20:20

'in some fireball accident you've caused.'

0:20:200:20:22

Well, walk, then.

0:20:220:20:24

'Left, left! Oh, you've missed it again.'

0:20:240:20:26

Can you give me a bit of warning?

0:20:260:20:28

'Is this a prison ship we're on?'

0:20:280:20:30

-No.

-'Then why are you right up that guy's arse?

0:20:300:20:33

CAR BRAKES

0:20:330:20:34

You drive.

0:20:360:20:37

'Aw, what have I said now?

0:20:370:20:39

'Honestly, you're like a bloody wallflower.

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'I'll say what I want about your driving, right? You know why?

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'Yer 35 year old and you're still on my insurance.

0:20:450:20:49

'Your ma won't let me take you off it.

0:20:490:20:51

'You're on my rescue recovery an all. You're costing me a fortune.

0:20:510:20:54

'Turn left!'

0:20:540:20:55

Balls.

0:21:250:21:27

MILD APPLAUSE

0:21:270:21:29

All right, Scott?

0:21:420:21:43

PHONE KEY TONES SOUND

0:21:430:21:46

Scott?

0:21:460:21:49

Scott?

0:21:490:21:51

Scott!

0:21:540:21:56

What?

0:21:560:21:57

I said, "All right."

0:21:570:21:59

Hold on a minute, eh? Trying to do a Tweet here.

0:21:590:22:02

Telling my followers what's happening.

0:22:020:22:05

Did you just say followers?

0:22:050:22:08

Scott, mate, the only people that follow you

0:22:080:22:10

are investigators fae the social.

0:22:100:22:13

Mate, I've got 207 followers on this now,

0:22:130:22:16

and now they're all updated with my gossip.

0:22:160:22:19

All what gossip? What did you just Tweet them?

0:22:190:22:21

I just Tweeted, "That's Peter coming in."

0:22:210:22:24

Oh, well. That must have them gripped, eh?

0:22:250:22:28

I mean, that revelation must really have them on the edge of their seat.

0:22:280:22:33

If they're allowed seats in a mental hospital,

0:22:330:22:35

where your followers must live.

0:22:350:22:37

Well, mate, @cara20 just tweeted back at me...

0:22:370:22:41

"Is Peter as cute as you are?"

0:22:410:22:45

You're cute?

0:22:450:22:47

HE LAUGHS

0:22:470:22:48

Did she get her guide dog to Tweet that for her?

0:22:480:22:51

Just a bit of flirting, all right? I flirt with all my followers.

0:22:510:22:56

Mate, gonnae stop saying followers, right.

0:22:560:22:58

D'ye think you're some kind of inspirational leader or something?

0:22:580:23:02

-What ye doing?

-Just taking yer photo for Facebook, man.

-Er, why?

0:23:020:23:06

Well, cos this is happening, isn't it?

0:23:060:23:08

This is something that's happening.

0:23:080:23:10

So I want to put it on my timeline so I can look at it.

0:23:100:23:14

Scott, mate, I come over here every single day.

0:23:140:23:18

We live this miserable day together, every single day.

0:23:180:23:22

Who could possibly want to see photies of it?

0:23:220:23:25

Your doctor when you're trying to get a prescription for anti depressants?

0:23:250:23:30

Listen, mate, I dinnae want to go here, but...

0:23:300:23:33

Do you want to stop being such a Luddite.

0:23:330:23:35

Such a whit now?

0:23:350:23:37

A Luddite, mate. You're scared of technology.

0:23:370:23:40

You're no engaging with any of it, mate.

0:23:400:23:42

I says to wee Barry the other day, I was like that,

0:23:420:23:44

"See Peter, he's no across any of these new technologies.

0:23:440:23:47

"He's no sharing content the way the rest of us are."

0:23:470:23:49

Whit?

0:23:510:23:52

See me and wee Barry, Peter, we're frictionlessly sharing playlists

0:23:520:23:55

and other stuff we've curated all the time, man.

0:23:550:23:58

Even your maw's started live streaming now.

0:23:580:24:00

Everybody's daein it. You're getting left behind, mate.

0:24:000:24:03

Well, you know what, Scott?

0:24:050:24:08

I'd rather be a Luddite than a Fuddite.

0:24:080:24:12

I'd rather be a Luddite than a Fuddite? That's a belter.

0:24:140:24:18

Yes, five retweets already, man.

0:24:180:24:21

There are bedroom gymnasts and there are bedroom gymnasts.

0:24:290:24:34

And then there's me.

0:24:340:24:36

Hey, man, welcome to Look Good For The Lassies But Feel Like A Dickhead.

0:25:530:25:58

How can I help you?

0:25:580:26:00

I'm looking for some claes that would make lassies mebbe fancy me,

0:26:000:26:03

but at the same time kind of make me feel like a total dickhead.

0:26:030:26:07

Well, you've come to the right place.

0:26:070:26:09

What do you think I need?

0:26:090:26:10

Come and have a look at our mannequins.

0:26:100:26:13

What one of these mannequins do you most feel like hooking in the jaw?

0:26:160:26:20

Well, the one in the middle looks like the biggest arsehole,

0:26:220:26:25

you know what I mean, with his wee man bag and his braces and all that

0:26:250:26:29

but having said that, he probably has zero problems getting his hole.

0:26:290:26:32

Well, that's the outfit for you.

0:26:320:26:35

Let's go and try some of these clothes on.

0:26:350:26:37

Oh, I don't know, man. I kind of hate myself, know what I mean?

0:26:480:26:53

Don't get me wrong, if I'm a lassie

0:26:530:26:55

I'm probably firing right into this Mumford and Sons-looking fanny here,

0:26:550:26:58

but if I saw myself walking into a Burnistoun boozer

0:26:580:27:01

I'd probably want to toe my ain baws.

0:27:010:27:04

I think you look great.

0:27:040:27:06

You look like a total dickhead but my sister would be all over you.

0:27:060:27:10

I feel like knocking you spark out. You look fantastic.

0:27:100:27:13

All right, man, I'll take them.

0:27:130:27:15

Four, seven, five, eight.

0:27:190:27:22

Right, give me a wee ring some time and we'll sort something out.

0:27:220:27:26

Sounds great. Bye.

0:27:260:27:29

THEY LAUGH

0:27:330:27:35

Nice hat, ya fanny!

0:27:350:27:38

Yaaaas!

0:27:380:27:40

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0:27:550:27:58

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