Episode 1 Burnistoun

What's your name?

Donny McMonagle. Is there a problem, Officer?

We'll find out in a minute. Suck into this.

Suck? Do I not blow?

You suck these new ones. Hurry up.

Now what did you say your name was, again?

-SQUEAKY VOICE

-Donny McMonagle.

THEY LAUGH

Hey, that's no funny! I'll be putting a complaint in about this!

BOTH: Quality polis, man!

Hey, see you later, Orville!

Em... Just a cappuccino, please.

To take away, or sit in?

Aw, to sit in, thanks.

OK. Right over here.

That's great, thanks.

THUMPING TECHNO

Awright? I'm Jolly Boy John.

Jolly Boy John holding a wee plank o' wood is for real.

Jolly Boy John sniffing a wee plank o' wood is for real.

I love sniffing planks.

Jolly Boy John phoning up joiners to tell them their planks o' wood

are getting sniffed is for real.

Awright, mate. Are you the joiner? You're getting your planks sniffed.

I'm coming down there to sniff your planks, wee man.

Your planks are getting sniffed, stupid joiner boy.

Jolly Boy John wearing all his da's false teeth like earrings

and getting a squirrel in a bunnet up his hoose

to sniff some planks of wood is for real.

# A squirrel in a bunnet A squirrel in a bunnet

# A squirrel in a bunnet Plank sniffers for life

# A squirrel in a bunnet A squirrel in a bunnet. #

Trevor McDonald. Moira Stewart. Peter Sissons.

Youse say the news is that youse want to be as For Real as Jolly Boy John.

Balls.

Balls.

Balls.

SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE

Here, boys, boys!

Here, Tommy!

Listen, I've got a new song for the day.

-Here we go.

-What now?

You see, when the other mob score, we sing this.

# We don't like it when you score

# Please don't do it any more

# You're ruining a nice day out! #

-Terrible.

-Terrible, Tommy.

# And youse are bastards. #

THEY LAUGH HAPPILY

There are lovers, and there are lovers.

And then there's me.

All right, lads? What do you want?

Vodka and coke for me and a pint of cider for my brah.

Your bra?

No, no my bra. My brah.

No your bra, your bra?

Did I say, "No my bra, my bra?" No, I said, "No my bra, my brah."

You saying my brah's calling me a bra?

All right, brah, I'll deal with this.

Now my brah things his ain brah's calling him a bra.

I don't want rumours I got called a bra by my ain brah.

-He wouldn't do that to me.

-I wouldnae do that to my brah.

It sounds like you're saying bra.

Look, mate, it's simple, right? Mother, father, sister, brah.

My brah, mate. My brah. No my bra, no...

My bra.

No my bra.

SNORING

HE CONTINUES SNORING

Stop. Right. There.

'Sake, man. Every time.

You're on that couch sleeping all night and when I come in late

and try and sneak past you, you always catch me.

How do you do it, Da?

Cos I'm the best, hen.

Stop. Right. There.

Stop. Right. There.

Pish!

Stop. Right. There.

Arsehole!

I'm the best.

Hullo. Stick yer hauns up your wheecht for Harry MacLowdery.

HE APPLAUDS

# Awa deocht a drouth an ken tae wae a gley

# An tak awa the deoch ahin the haunsy

# Nae ken tae tak ye awa an tak awa

# An Lady Gaga's tourin' wi' Beyonce. #

OK, nice easy one to start off the quiz for you today, George.

'The national anthem of Great Britain.'

What's the missing word?

God Save The...?

Eh, God Save The...

Pandas?

No. Why would the national anthem be God Save The Pandas?

Well, they're nearly extinct.

It's God Save the Queen, George.

Ach, I would never have got that. I'm no into football.

Football? Let's move on to the next one. It's the musical odd one out.

Aw, cool. Music's my thing.

OK. Who is the odd one out?

John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison or Charlie Watts?

I assume you know who all these people are, George?

Aye. John Lennon, Paul McCartney and George Harrison were in The Beatles.

Charlie Watts is the drummer for the Rolling Stones.

'Exactly. So who's the odd one out?'

George Harrison?

Wrong. Why would you say George Harrison?

He's the only one with the same name as me.

The question isn't related to you, George, OK?

It's a musical odd one out. The musical element is the key.

Right, right, I've got you.

Right, OK. So, who's the odd one out?

George Harrison.

-No!

-Aye. He's the only one that plays lead guitar.

Look. They all play different instruments George, OK?

We're not going to have a wrong answer. We're going to get it right.

Now, it's far more obvious than that.

Mair obvious? Right. OK.

The most obvious, George, the most obvious. So, what's the answer?

George Harrison.

He's the only one whose initials follow each other in the alphabet.

GH.

No! Look, you practically told me what the answer was

when you said who they were and what bands they were in.

So it's something to do with The Beatles and the Rolling Stones?

Of course it is.

'Right, right, OK.'

Charlie Watts is in the Rolling Stones.

John Lennon and Paul McCartney, I think,

wrote one of the Rolling Stones' first singles,

so the odd one out is George Harrison

because he didn't have anything to do with the Stones.

No, George! No! The answer is not George Harrison.

'It's obvious. Three of them played in what band?'

The Beatles.

And one of them played in what other band?

The Rolling Sto...

What an idiot. Right, I've got you, I've got you now, I've got you.

You're sure?

Aye, aye.

You're not going to say George Harrison again?

-HE SCOFFS

-No.

OK. John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Charlie Watts,

finally, George, who's the odd one out?

Ringo Starr.

-No!

-Aye. He's the only one of The Beatles left out.

He wasn't even an option!

You swapped Ringo Starr for Charlie Watts.

Yes, so Charlie Watts is the odd one out.

No. Charlie Watts is the odd one in. Charlie's in. Ringo's out.

Oh, God!

Hullo? Mate, do you have any quizzes about fish suppers?

Or any quizzes about sausage suppers?

Can I say hello to my friends at the Society for Lopsided Goats?

Mate?

Wooden pallets.

Wooden pallets.

Wooden pallets. Wooden pallets.

Wooden pallets.

Wooden pallets. Wooden pallets.

Wooden pallets.

Wooden pallets.

Pallets.

Pallets.

Pallets.

Wooden palle-e-e-ts.

Excuse me. Do you sell wooden pallets?

Naw.

HE GIGGLES

Just banter. It's all we sell.

Wooden pallets. What else is there to know?

Here's the shop.

Here it is on a map.

Here's yer maw inside the shop.

Wooden. Wooden. Wooden. Wooden.

Wooden. Wooden. Wooden. Wooden.

Wooden. Wooden. Wooden. Wooden.

-Woode-e-e-e-n.

-Pallets!

-Woode-e-e-e-n.

-Pallets!

-Woode-e-e-e-n.

-Pallets!

Woode-e-e-e-n.

Pallets! Pallets! Pallets! Pallets! Pallets!

Pallets! Pallets! Pallets! Pallets! Pallets!

Wooden pallets.

Lewis, so glad to see you finally made it. What happened?

My dad said to give you this.

OK, Lewis, that's fine. Go and sit down.

-John, thanks for coming.

-Thanks for asking me to come.

Thanks for reading the email so promptly.

Thanks for pencilling me in so quickly.

Thanks for making yourself available at such short notice.

-Thanks for being so polite.

-Thanks for noticing.

-Would you like a cup of tea?

-Yes, thank you for asking.

Oh, there you are now.

Thanks for not being difficult and asking for a different drink.

Thanks for having some tea at hand in spite of you preferring coffee.

Thanks for noticing coffee is my favourite drink.

Thanks for noticing how observant I am.

Thanks.

I'll tell you what it is. It's about... Oh, before that.

Thanks for filling in this application form so tidily.

Thanks for issuing such a straight forward application form.

Thanks for using block capitals and a black pen.

Thanks for insisting on a black pen, my favourite colour of pen.

Thanks for telling me your favourite colours and beverages.

Thanks for making me this lovely cup of tea.

Thanks for not slurping your tea there but silently sipping.

-Thanks.

-Thanks.

-Thanks.

Anyway, this application form... Oh, by the way,

thanks for the lovely pressed flowers.

Oh, thanks for inspiring me to start my flower pressing hobby again.

HE SNIFFS PAPER

Thanks for reminding me of summer days on my grandfather's farm.

Thanks for reminding me of my late grandmother, who I dearly loved.

-Thanks.

-Thanks.

-So here's the issue.

At the end of the personal bio, there's a word

and it's the one word that we can't understand here in the office

because the ink is smudged.

Oh, thanks for letting me know.

It starts with a T.

-A T?

-Yes.

"And that is why I think I'll be a perfect fit for your company

"and the type of people who work there".

And then that word, T-smudge-S.

T and then an S at the end.

Thanks for trying to work this out. Very helpful here.

Thanks.

Oooooh, no, sorry, no idea what I was going on about there.

Well, there's a theory in the office that it might be the word tossers.

Tossers?!

"And that is why I think I might be a perfect fit for your company

"and the type of people who work there, tossers."

Oh, dear, dear, dear, dear, dear. I suppose it must be that then

because I can't think what else it could possibly be.

Well, in that case, your application is rejected. Thanks for coming.

-Thanks for asking me.

-Thanks.

-Thanks.

-Thanks.

-Thanks.

-Seriously, thanks.

-Thanks.

-Thanks.

-Thank you.

John, John, thanks.

Let me tell you this, I thank you.

-Thanks.

-Thanks.

Balls.

No balls.

-Balls.

-No balls.

-Balls.

-No balls.

-Balls.

-No balls.

Balls.

Where do you think you're going?

Where do you think you're going?

Aw, pish!

Where do you think you're going?

How do you always know?

Cos I'm the best, hen. The best.

THEY GIGGLE

HE SIGHS DISGUSTEDLY

'Sake!

Come on.

Right, that's it! Get a room, you pair.

Come on, May, we're leaving.

'The University of Burnistoun presents Snide Looks 101.

'A beginners' guide to pulling snidey faces.'

Coming to a cinema this fall,

open your heart to cinema's hottest new hunky star.

I've never dated a Scotsman before.

Are you as wild and crazy as people say?

Oh, there's nothing so wild and crazy as the Scoddish.

What ye talking like that fur?

Sorry, who are you?

Oh, I'm just a real guy, mate. Just like the old guys from Scotland.

The question is, who are you, mate? Where are you fae?

I'm from Scodland.

Scodland? Who says Scotland like that, mate?

I'll tell ye who.

Scottish actors that have slagged their way to Hollywood...

and fannies.

How d'ye no just say Sco'land like a real guy,

like your da or your uncle would say it.

Sco'land. Sco'land. Sco'land.

Nae D sound in there, mate.

No even a T sound in there.

Just an UH. Sco-uh-land.

Look, buddy, we're trying to have a romandic dinner here.

Buddy?

Buddy, mate? Who says buddy in Scotland?

Why can ye no call guys things that real guys call guys?

Things like mucker, mate, Jim, chief, pal, big yin, wee yin.

Things like yer da, yer uncle would call yer uncle or da.

Here, mucker, ye goin' to the Scotland game tonight?

Naw, naw, naw, naw, naw, naw, naw, naw,

I'm goin' tae Hollywood so I can say Scotland like this.

Scodland.

And call a real guy...buddy.

What do ye want fer yer dinner?

I'll have the chicken.

I'll have the toona.

Toona?

Chuna, mate, chuna. Ch, ch, ch, chuna.

What's with arseholes and the letter T?

Scottish guys, mate, real guys, we pronounce the letter T wi' a CH.

Mon, hen, 'mon you wi' a real guy, cos this guy...

is a cunch.

HE LAUGHS

Here, Emma, come and see this stoater.

SHE LAUGHS

When you're that out of it, you're stoating like that,

-there's nothing will stop ye.

-I know.

-What speed do you think he's going?

-Mmm, three mile an hour?

That's what I thought.

ALARM BEEPS

HE CHUCKLES

There he is, there he's there.

Aw, you've got Sat Nav now?

Aye, got it for my birthday.

Got a celebrity voice on it?

Naw. Came with my dad's voice on it.

Your dad's voice?

'D'ye never think of giein the inside of this motor a clean, son?

'Left, left, left, left, left!

'I said left for buck's sake. Are you deef?'

I was past the turn before you said it.

'Should have buckin drove myself. Burly about.'

-HE LAUGHS

-That's pretty good. That sounds just like him.

'Are you no a fan of indicators, Derek?

'They're these wee flashing lights

'that let other drivers know your manoeuvres.

'Sack that, go straight on. Whenever you're ready.'

INDICATOR TICKS

'Switch that indicator off. It's no big deal.

'It's only the language of the road that the rest of us all use.

'It's no Brands Hatch, son.'

I wasnae goin' fast.

'Pull over, I'll just walk.

'I always said I wanted cremated but no right now

'in some fireball accident you've caused.'

Well, walk, then.

'Left, left! Oh, you've missed it again.'

Can you give me a bit of warning?

'Is this a prison ship we're on?'

-No.

-'Then why are you right up that guy's arse?

CAR BRAKES

You drive.

'Aw, what have I said now?

'Honestly, you're like a bloody wallflower.

'I'll say what I want about your driving, right? You know why?

'Yer 35 year old and you're still on my insurance.

'Your ma won't let me take you off it.

'You're on my rescue recovery an all. You're costing me a fortune.

'Turn left!'

Balls.

MILD APPLAUSE

All right, Scott?

PHONE KEY TONES SOUND

Scott?

Scott?

Scott!

What?

I said, "All right."

Hold on a minute, eh? Trying to do a Tweet here.

Telling my followers what's happening.

Did you just say followers?

Scott, mate, the only people that follow you

are investigators fae the social.

Mate, I've got 207 followers on this now,

and now they're all updated with my gossip.

All what gossip? What did you just Tweet them?

I just Tweeted, "That's Peter coming in."

Oh, well. That must have them gripped, eh?

I mean, that revelation must really have them on the edge of their seat.

If they're allowed seats in a mental hospital,

where your followers must live.

Well, mate, @cara20 just tweeted back at me...

"Is Peter as cute as you are?"

You're cute?

HE LAUGHS

Did she get her guide dog to Tweet that for her?

Just a bit of flirting, all right? I flirt with all my followers.

Mate, gonnae stop saying followers, right.

D'ye think you're some kind of inspirational leader or something?

-What ye doing?

-Just taking yer photo for Facebook, man.

-Er, why?

Well, cos this is happening, isn't it?

This is something that's happening.

So I want to put it on my timeline so I can look at it.

Scott, mate, I come over here every single day.

We live this miserable day together, every single day.

Who could possibly want to see photies of it?

Your doctor when you're trying to get a prescription for anti depressants?

Listen, mate, I dinnae want to go here, but...

Do you want to stop being such a Luddite.

Such a whit now?

A Luddite, mate. You're scared of technology.

You're no engaging with any of it, mate.

I says to wee Barry the other day, I was like that,

"See Peter, he's no across any of these new technologies.

"He's no sharing content the way the rest of us are."

Whit?

See me and wee Barry, Peter, we're frictionlessly sharing playlists

and other stuff we've curated all the time, man.

Even your maw's started live streaming now.

Everybody's daein it. You're getting left behind, mate.

Well, you know what, Scott?

I'd rather be a Luddite than a Fuddite.

I'd rather be a Luddite than a Fuddite? That's a belter.

Yes, five retweets already, man.

There are bedroom gymnasts and there are bedroom gymnasts.

And then there's me.

Hey, man, welcome to Look Good For The Lassies But Feel Like A Dickhead.

How can I help you?

I'm looking for some claes that would make lassies mebbe fancy me,

but at the same time kind of make me feel like a total dickhead.

Well, you've come to the right place.

What do you think I need?

Come and have a look at our mannequins.

What one of these mannequins do you most feel like hooking in the jaw?

Well, the one in the middle looks like the biggest arsehole,

you know what I mean, with his wee man bag and his braces and all that

but having said that, he probably has zero problems getting his hole.

Well, that's the outfit for you.

Let's go and try some of these clothes on.

Oh, I don't know, man. I kind of hate myself, know what I mean?

Don't get me wrong, if I'm a lassie

I'm probably firing right into this Mumford and Sons-looking fanny here,

but if I saw myself walking into a Burnistoun boozer

I'd probably want to toe my ain baws.

I think you look great.

You look like a total dickhead but my sister would be all over you.

I feel like knocking you spark out. You look fantastic.

All right, man, I'll take them.

Four, seven, five, eight.

Right, give me a wee ring some time and we'll sort something out.

Sounds great. Bye.

THEY LAUGH

Nice hat, ya fanny!

Yaaaas!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd