Episode 6 Burnistoun


Episode 6

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This programme contains adult humour and some strong language

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Here, here, I could swear I just saw a half-brick

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that was the other half of a half-brick

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I saw on a bit of spare ground when I was about 18.

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I heard old Biscuity Boyle was down there an' all.

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Aye, got his heid trapped in a turnstile, but.

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Missed the first half.

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Poor old bugger, man.

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What's up?

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Oh, right. Excalibur.

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What is it?

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Just a magical sword thing. It's been here for years.

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It's a belter, man.

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Aye. Anyway, you coming?

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This pub's always heaving and I want to get a seat.

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You ever tried to pull it out?

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Aye, when I was a wee guy, aye.

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It doesnae come out.

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People just mainly use it for cutting their sausage suppers in half.

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Know what I mean? On the way back from the pub.

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Geez a minute, man.

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THEY LAUGH TRIUMPHANTLY

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-No way, man!

-It was easy, man. It just came oot.

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Because you were destined to take the sword.

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You were born to wield Excalibur, young...

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What is your name?

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Mad Wullie.

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Young Mad Wullie, the sword is yours.

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You are our champion.

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Yas, excellent, I'm the champion! Championes, championes!

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Aye, right, that's good, but listen. You'll no get into the pub with that.

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Oh, naw, here, he's right, old yin. I'll no get in the pub with this.

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The pub is the least of your concerns with evil rising.

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It's dead heavy an' all. Any chance I could just stick it back in

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and I'll pick it up on the way back from the boozer?

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-It was a magical seal. You can't...

-Here, Wullie.

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There's an old used bin bag here, you could use that.

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Aye, good idea. Hold on, but.

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I've got a bit of shite on my shoe here, look.

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-This'll help me scrape it off.

-Please don't.

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There we go. Right, old yin -

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that's it in this bin bag, right?

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Punt it in there. That'll dae.

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You stay and keep an eye on it as well, Granda'? All right?

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Come on Brian, let's go to the boozer and get leathered, right?

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How goes our champion, Sir Arthur?

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My lady, our champion is...

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..a fanny.

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All right? I'm Jolly Boy John.

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Jolly Boy John's radiator no working is for real.

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Jolly Boy John phoning a plumber and asking him to bleed his radiators

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but saying dadilators instead of radiators is for real.

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Over here immediately and bleed my dadilators!

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For real! Jolly Boy John hiding under his bed

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and rolling picked onions at a plumber's feet is for real.

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Bleed my dadilators!

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Jolly Boy John strumming a pickled onion in his belly button

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while his maw's wet tights are dryin' out

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and a big packet of frozen mince

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is defrosting on the dadilator is for real.

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Tights! Mince! Dadilator! Tights! Mince! Dadilator!

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Time for your dinner, ladies. For real!

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Bear Grylls, Elton John, Ronald MacDonald,

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youse all swan about, all mad dancing together

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trying to be as for real as Jolly Boy John. Get real!

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Dom and Tom Toms are twins.

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They've lived together all their life.

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Me and my brother, Dom, we're like two pieces of pea in the same pod.

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We dress alike, talk alike,

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we even finish each other's...

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-Sandwiches.

-..sentences.

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We both run an antique metalwork shop on the High Street,

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called Rustified And Ancient.

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We love nothing more than to encourage people to come down

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and have a dig through our...

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-Trousers.

-..treasures.

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We never married.

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Just never seemed to find the time.

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Although we have had our fair share of...

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-Restraining orders.

-..relationships.

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Relationships.

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At night, after dinner,

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we like to settle down, discuss our day, and share..

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-A bath.

-..a beer.

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People often ask if we get lonely,

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but we do enjoy each other's company,

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and with no wives and no children,

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let me tell you, the world is our...

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-Enemy.

-..oyster.

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It's an oyster.

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We hate the thought of anyone feeling sorry for us.

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We're actually very philosophical about our lot.

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As they say, life is like a box of...

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-Condoms.

-..chocolates.

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Chocolates.

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Honestly, he has driven me to...

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-Disneyland.

-..distraction.

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Although, to be fair, he has once driven me to Disneyland,

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when we were on the run from the polis.

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Goodnight, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs...

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-Bugger you.

-Bugger YOU!

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You wanted to see the two legends, gaffer?

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Bought you a wee happy meal, gaffer.

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A wee present for you, you know that way?

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I don't want a happy meal, Toshan.

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I'm a grown man, a very unhappy grown man.

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Aw, listen, if people are still making complaints about us then I am shocked,

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because we have been quality polis for the last...

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-..day or so.

-Quality polis all the way.

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Nae stealing nothing, nae leathering anybody,

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nae boozing, nae rolling joints,

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nae strippers, nae knocking caravans.

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That's plenty, Toshan.

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I've a statement here from one Paul Young.

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-What, the singer from the '80s?

-Belter!

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# Wherever I lay my hat

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# That's my home. #

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Away and live in the bin, then.

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Not the singer. He's a fellow who wanted our help when his car was stolen.

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Aw, that big diddy? What's he been sayin'?

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He said "I was shocked to have the police tell me that my stolen car

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"was, in their words,

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"a shanner anyway."

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Aw, it was, but.

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Was, gaffer. A total shanner.

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"The two officers then went on to criticise my CD collection

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"and then demanded a shot on my home treadmill,

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-"which led to the fatter officer..."

-That's you, McGregor.

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"..smashing through my patio doors."

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I've another complaint here from a Mrs Adams,

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who said she spotted both of you - her words -

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"In my back garden bouncing on my daughter's trampoline at four in the morning.

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"The fatter officer..."

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That's you, McGregor.

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"..dressed in my underwear, stolen from the washing line."

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We were probably undercover or something. I cannae mind.

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I don't want to see youse back in here for a month. Suspended!

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Hey!

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Where are you going? Forgetting something?

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I'm tired of peppering you pair, so I am.

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THEY SCREAM AND GROAN

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TV: 'Northern Ireland, the Lake District...'

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SHE SCREAMS

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-What's the matter?

-Nothing.

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Just needed a wee scream.

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What a psycho.

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Do you ever feel like you need a wee scream

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without looking like a total psycho?

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I certainly do.

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That's why I invented our brand new Ciderson's Screambox.

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HE SCREAMS

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Our productivity has...

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'No matter where or when...'

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..so we can see the rewards of our long-term planning starting to...

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THEY ALL SCREAM

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'..or with whom.'

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I thought we might maybe have a wee romantic...

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..the night.

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SHE SCREAMS

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The Screambox is there to help.

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I came up with this idea when one of my food products failed to sell

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and I lost my house and my wife and my children.

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HE SCREAMS

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I still cannae believe you pulled that mad big sword out, man.

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I know, man. Mental, in't it?

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Here we go, man.

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Here, old yin. They sausage rolls ready yet?

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Brilliant wee place this, in't it?

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Aye, nice grub.

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Have you noticed anything, but?

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What?

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Look at the other punters in here.

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HE SNIFFS HARD Snobby.

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Aye, snobby.

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Is this a snobby joint?

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Is this a snobby joint?

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What's it called?

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Capoeira. Is that a snobby word?

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It's a Brazilian word, I think.

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Is it a snobby Brazilian word?

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I don't know if there are any snobs in Brazil.

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Here, mate!

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Is there snobs in Brazil?

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Excuse me?

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Hear that? "Excuse me."

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-Who says that?

-Exactly. Snobby.

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Excuse me.

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Is this a snobby joint?

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What do you mean?

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Is this one of they snobby joints with snobby people

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looking down on people like us?

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It's a mix. Is there a problem?

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Listen, mate. Why do people come here?

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Is it to prove how special they are?

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Here, mate!

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Why do you come here? Is it to prove how special you are?

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Excuse me?

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Hey! Enough of the "excuse me's" ya snobby Brazilian bastard!

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C'mon Joe, up the road!

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Up the road now!

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-Up the road! Up the road!

-Up the road now!

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-That's it! Up the road!

-Up the road!

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Up the road now! Up the road!

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Up the road now! Up the road!

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-'Mon, up the road!

-Up the road!

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Have you ever struggled for what to say

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when your child asks you a difficult question?

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Mummy, how are babies made?

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You don't want to answer that question, right?

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Contact me.

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Big Des Murphy at I'll Dae It.

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And I'll dae it. I will.

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I'll dae it.

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Your da' does the dirty to your old dear is how. The lucky dog.

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Then nine months later, you bust your way out

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like a jumbo jet's nose through a pigeon's arse.

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I'll dae it.

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Daddy, where's Granny now? Is she in Heaven?

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Now that's a difficult question to answer, in't it?

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I'll dae it.

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It's nae skin aff my nose.

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Your granny's rotting in the ground, son.

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She's mair a soup than a granny now.

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You could sook her up through one of your wee curly drinking straws.

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My service is open to single parent families, tae.

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I'll dae it. Just ask me.

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I'll dae it.

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Mammy, why did Daddy move out the house?

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Does he not love me any more?

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Your da' loves ye, son, he does.

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But he loves that big slag fae up the Burnistoun high flats mair.

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Nae luck. Love is a fallacy anyway, and men are all animals.

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We're all just spinning through space on a ball of crap,

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hanging on for dear life

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like some maggots inside a deid dug

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some wee guy's flung onto the waltzers.

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Any time, seriously. I'll dae it.

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I couldnae gie a fuck.

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It's no my wean.

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Ah, Davie.

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Have a seat.

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Hey, listen.

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If it's about that result at the weekend, I'm on it.

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It's not about that, Davie.

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It's about our fans.

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It's about this club's fans.

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What about them?

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I've been taking photographs of them.

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See? Do you see?

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I'm no followin' ye, Gaffer.

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Be straight with me here, Davie.

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Are we the ugly ones?

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-What?

-Are we the ugly ones?

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Of the two great sides across this Burnistoun divide,

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are we the ugly bastards?

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Erm...

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It was last year it occurred to me.

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I was sittin' in the director's box at the cup final

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and when we scored the winning goal

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I looked at our fans celebrating...

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..I nearly boaked.

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I nearly heaved over the back of the Lord Provost's suit jacket.

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HE GROANS

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Teeth missing, bellies hanging oot,

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and that was just the lassies.

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Oor lot are houkers, Gaffer, it's true.

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A-a-ah! Dammit!

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I'd heard their lot singing songs

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about how our lot were the ugly ones,

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but I thought it was just banter.

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I didnae realise it was accurate, critical appraisal, set to music!

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Look, leave it to me, all right?

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I'm working on it.

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How can you fix this?

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I've got a scout over in Spain the noo.

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We're going to sign a bunch of

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Atletico Madrid fans for next season.

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Wee honeys. Big tanned hunks.

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Aye, aye, you get they gorgeous fans signed as quick as you can.

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Don't you worry about the cost.

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Now, you'd better hurry up.

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I've got a meeting with

0:15:590:16:00

the new President of the Supporters' Club in a minute.

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HE GROANS

0:16:110:16:15

Dom and Tom Toms are twins.

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They live and work together every day

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and are so on each other's wavelength

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that they finish each others' sentences.

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Hello.

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How can we help you?

0:16:420:16:43

We do have a sale on today, so you just fill your...

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-..bottom.

-Boots! Fill your boots!

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I'm looking for a nice lamp for my wife.

0:16:490:16:52

It's our anniversary. Our tenth.

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Oh, congratulations, my friend!

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To be with one person for so long must be absolutely...

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-..murder.

-Magic! Must be magic!

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So go and have a rummage and give us a shout if anything tickles your...

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-..fanny.

-Fancy, for God's sake!

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Oh, we just love working in the shop.

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I've loved antiques all my life.

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I like nothing better than taking out some old thing and giving it a...

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-..pull.

-Polish! Giving it a polish!

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Even that sounds bad now, given the context you've created.

0:17:210:17:25

This is lovely. How much is it?

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I'll just check the book.

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I'm sure the price will be...

0:17:330:17:35

..a farce.

0:17:350:17:37

Affordable! Affordable.

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Yes, £15.

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I'll take it.

0:17:420:17:43

Thank you. And do give your wife our warmest...

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-..willies.

-Wishes! Warmest wishes!

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Warmest wishes!

0:17:510:17:53

(You are going to get us arrested again!)

0:17:530:17:57

All right, man? Two doner kebabs, please.

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You wanting anything, old yin?

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Suit yourself.

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-Here, where's your sword?

-I sold it.

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To who?

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To them, mate. Free kebabs for a year, man.

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Tell you what, mate, there's nothing better than a wee lock-in.

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Aye. But have you no heard about the ghost?

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The ghost?

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In here.

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The Legend of the Wee Baldy Man.

0:18:420:18:45

Naw.

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Well, they say that in this building there lived a wee baldy man.

0:18:470:18:52

And one day he was found hanging frae the rafters.

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Deid?

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Deid.

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And they say that wee baldy man haunts this place to this day.

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That's creepy.

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-HE SCREAMS

-Look! It's the Wee Baldy Man!

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Where?

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Stop trying to wind me up, you.

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D'you think I'm...?

0:19:160:19:17

Oh! Argh!

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Oh, my God, I saw it!

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That was unbelievable. That was real!

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THEY SCREAM

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Argh! Argh!

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Oh, I hit it! I hit it right in its wee baldy heid!

0:19:380:19:42

We need to get oot o' here!

0:19:440:19:46

THEY SCREAM

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I love a wee lock-in, man. D'you love a wee lock-in, Dolan?

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Aye. Have you heard about the ghost?

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The ghost?

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Two boys like us encountered it ten years ago.

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They were never seen again.

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Seriously?

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Aye. Have you never heard of the Legend of the Wee Ghosty Boob?

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The what?

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THEY SCREAM

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Hello! Have a howler, it's yer granny's growler,

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Sir Herry Maclowderie!

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APPLAUSE

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# Aw land away and aw alang the gley

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# And aw alang the brae afore the wainers

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# And awa', awa' The ghostie dreecht awa'

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# And Kanye West designed a pair o' trainers. #

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Erm, I'm delighted to announce

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that we've signed five thousand Atletico Madrid fans.

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We've got Carlos and Isabella with us today.

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MILD APPLAUSE

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We love the Bornistown.

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Go, go, Burnistowns!

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Can I just ask why you've signed a load of football fans?

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Erm, I think Carlos can probably answer that one.

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Any other questions?

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ALL: Me, me, me! Here, here!

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Who's the ugly bastards now, eh?

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There are stovies with more sausages than totties,

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and there are stovies with more sausages than totties.

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And then there's me.

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Roddy was a fun-loving man who lived life to the fullest.

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He loved nothing more

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than fending off friendly jibes about his mullet, and...

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MOBILE PHONE RINGS

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'Hullo? Listen Davey, I cannae really talk the now, mate,

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'I'm at a funeral.

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'Aye. Guess whose?

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'No. No.

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'No, mine.

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'Aye, MY funeral. Oh, I died the other week, mate.

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'How? It's a bit of a beamer, mate.

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'Took a heart attack having a chug. Aye, aye.

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'Scants doon tae the ankles, lying on the bed with the hankies,

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'baby oil scooshed ower ma gentleman's agreements.

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'Picture of my sister-in-law wi' her diddies oot

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'on the beach in Ibiza. Got a belter, man.

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'Anyway, cannae play fitba this weekend,

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'not unless you want to lie me down in goal with a couple of sandbags.

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'Nae bother, mate. See you in the afterlife. Cheerio.

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'That's me done, carry on.'

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You know, see if I can sue for this,

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-I am going to sue.

-Aye, aye.

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They did this to me in London before they let me get on the plane.

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Do you people no' communicate?

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D'you think I went onto the aeroplane toilet

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and shoved a big tube of overpriced Pringles up my arse?

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See the guy in London that searched you, what did you think of him?

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His hauns were too bloody big for this job.

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Did you think he was good looking?

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Did I think he was...? Why am I gettin' asked that question?

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He's my boyfriend. I wondered what you thought of him.

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He said he was looking for Class A drugs. He was a Class A bawbag.

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It was him that phoned up and told me to search ye.

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He already searched me in London! There's nothing there to find.

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Oh, really? What's this then?

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-SHE GASPS

-An engagement ring!

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Oh, he's so romantic, is that not the sweetest thing you've ever seen?

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That's your Davey McGrogan deid, man.

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Aye, man. Poor guy.

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Way it dragged oot in the end.

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-Aye man. See when I go, mate, I want it to be nice and quick.

-Aye.

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Nane of this "Oh, I've got some bad news,

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"you've got a year to live" patter.

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Naw, man - nice and quick.

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A nice, quick "You've got six months to live."

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You've got six months to live? That'd be horrible.

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Naw, man. Nice and quick. You don't want it to get boring.

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That's no' nice and quick.

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Nice and quick is bang, you're deid.

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That's what I want.

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What, bang, you're deid? Instant death, mate? That's too quick.

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Aye. That's what I want.

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That's like saying, us two staunin' here the noo

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and bang, we get took oot by a sniper.

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Aye, nice and fast.

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Are you saying you'd rather get taken oot by a sniper

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than get a horrible disease?

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Aye.

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That's mental, mate.

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Horrible diseases are normal,

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but bang, sniper, deid, that's terrifying.

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Doesn't need to be a sniper, mate. I could get hit by a bus. Bang!

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-You're scaring me now, mate.

-How?

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We're all going to die, right? Fact.

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You want to get taken out by a bus?

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You could arrange that in two minutes when the 37 goes by.

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I'm no' saying I want to arrange it myself.

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You'd want it to be a nice wee surprise.

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Mate, if you die instantly it's no' a surprise, is it?

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All right. I'll live long enough to go, "Oh, what a surprise." Deid.

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"Oh, I didnae expect that bus to be there, what a surprise."

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-Deid.

-Mate, do you want to wrap it with that bus patter?

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Stepping in front of a bus is entirely under your control.

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That's like saying you want to die by your ain haun.

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All right, go back to the sniper then. Bang, you're deid!

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You've nae idea. You wouldnae want that?

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No, mate, no. I mean, I don't know, mate.

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Maybe if the sniper had had a couple of halfs, right,

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and he goes up the roof, he's half cut

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and he goes, "Bang!" And he missed your heid, got us in the neck, man.

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Deid about three hours later.

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You'd bleed to death over a few hours?

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That's the worst suggestion yet.

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Bang, you're deid.

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-No mate, no' bang you're deid.

-Aye, bang you're deid.

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No, Peter, no' bang you're deid.

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Bang, you're...oh!

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It's all right, Peter, it was just a wee mad pigeon, man.

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Seeing that pigeon's made me realise how much I want to live.

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Too right, man. Too right.

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Want tae go down the pub and get a pint? Might be the last.

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