Episode 6 Burnistoun

This programme contains adult humour and some strong language

Here, here, I could swear I just saw a half-brick

that was the other half of a half-brick

I saw on a bit of spare ground when I was about 18.

I heard old Biscuity Boyle was down there an' all.

Aye, got his heid trapped in a turnstile, but.

Missed the first half.

Poor old bugger, man.

What's up?

Oh, right. Excalibur.

What is it?

Just a magical sword thing. It's been here for years.

It's a belter, man.

Aye. Anyway, you coming?

This pub's always heaving and I want to get a seat.

You ever tried to pull it out?

Aye, when I was a wee guy, aye.

It doesnae come out.

People just mainly use it for cutting their sausage suppers in half.

Know what I mean? On the way back from the pub.

Geez a minute, man.

THEY LAUGH TRIUMPHANTLY

-No way, man!

-It was easy, man. It just came oot.

Because you were destined to take the sword.

You were born to wield Excalibur, young...

What is your name?

Mad Wullie.

Young Mad Wullie, the sword is yours.

You are our champion.

Yas, excellent, I'm the champion! Championes, championes!

Aye, right, that's good, but listen. You'll no get into the pub with that.

Oh, naw, here, he's right, old yin. I'll no get in the pub with this.

The pub is the least of your concerns with evil rising.

It's dead heavy an' all. Any chance I could just stick it back in

and I'll pick it up on the way back from the boozer?

-It was a magical seal. You can't...

-Here, Wullie.

There's an old used bin bag here, you could use that.

Aye, good idea. Hold on, but.

I've got a bit of shite on my shoe here, look.

-This'll help me scrape it off.

-Please don't.

There we go. Right, old yin -

that's it in this bin bag, right?

Punt it in there. That'll dae.

You stay and keep an eye on it as well, Granda'? All right?

Come on Brian, let's go to the boozer and get leathered, right?

How goes our champion, Sir Arthur?

My lady, our champion is...

..a fanny.

All right? I'm Jolly Boy John.

Jolly Boy John's radiator no working is for real.

Jolly Boy John phoning a plumber and asking him to bleed his radiators

but saying dadilators instead of radiators is for real.

Over here immediately and bleed my dadilators!

For real! Jolly Boy John hiding under his bed

and rolling picked onions at a plumber's feet is for real.

Bleed my dadilators!

Jolly Boy John strumming a pickled onion in his belly button

while his maw's wet tights are dryin' out

and a big packet of frozen mince

is defrosting on the dadilator is for real.

Tights! Mince! Dadilator! Tights! Mince! Dadilator!

Time for your dinner, ladies. For real!

Bear Grylls, Elton John, Ronald MacDonald,

youse all swan about, all mad dancing together

trying to be as for real as Jolly Boy John. Get real!

Dom and Tom Toms are twins.

They've lived together all their life.

Me and my brother, Dom, we're like two pieces of pea in the same pod.

We dress alike, talk alike,

we even finish each other's...

-Sandwiches.

-..sentences.

We both run an antique metalwork shop on the High Street,

called Rustified And Ancient.

We love nothing more than to encourage people to come down

and have a dig through our...

-Trousers.

-..treasures.

We never married.

Just never seemed to find the time.

Although we have had our fair share of...

-Restraining orders.

-..relationships.

Relationships.

At night, after dinner,

we like to settle down, discuss our day, and share..

-A bath.

-..a beer.

People often ask if we get lonely,

but we do enjoy each other's company,

and with no wives and no children,

let me tell you, the world is our...

-Enemy.

-..oyster.

It's an oyster.

We hate the thought of anyone feeling sorry for us.

We're actually very philosophical about our lot.

As they say, life is like a box of...

-Condoms.

-..chocolates.

Chocolates.

Honestly, he has driven me to...

-Disneyland.

-..distraction.

Although, to be fair, he has once driven me to Disneyland,

when we were on the run from the polis.

Goodnight, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs...

-Bugger you.

-Bugger YOU!

You wanted to see the two legends, gaffer?

Bought you a wee happy meal, gaffer.

A wee present for you, you know that way?

I don't want a happy meal, Toshan.

I'm a grown man, a very unhappy grown man.

Aw, listen, if people are still making complaints about us then I am shocked,

because we have been quality polis for the last...

-..day or so.

-Quality polis all the way.

Nae stealing nothing, nae leathering anybody,

nae boozing, nae rolling joints,

nae strippers, nae knocking caravans.

That's plenty, Toshan.

I've a statement here from one Paul Young.

-What, the singer from the '80s?

-Belter!

# Wherever I lay my hat

# That's my home. #

Away and live in the bin, then.

Not the singer. He's a fellow who wanted our help when his car was stolen.

Aw, that big diddy? What's he been sayin'?

He said "I was shocked to have the police tell me that my stolen car

"was, in their words,

"a shanner anyway."

Aw, it was, but.

Was, gaffer. A total shanner.

"The two officers then went on to criticise my CD collection

"and then demanded a shot on my home treadmill,

-"which led to the fatter officer..."

-That's you, McGregor.

"..smashing through my patio doors."

I've another complaint here from a Mrs Adams,

who said she spotted both of you - her words -

"In my back garden bouncing on my daughter's trampoline at four in the morning.

"The fatter officer..."

That's you, McGregor.

"..dressed in my underwear, stolen from the washing line."

We were probably undercover or something. I cannae mind.

I don't want to see youse back in here for a month. Suspended!

Hey!

Where are you going? Forgetting something?

I'm tired of peppering you pair, so I am.

THEY SCREAM AND GROAN

TV: 'Northern Ireland, the Lake District...'

SHE SCREAMS

-What's the matter?

-Nothing.

Just needed a wee scream.

What a psycho.

Do you ever feel like you need a wee scream

without looking like a total psycho?

I certainly do.

That's why I invented our brand new Ciderson's Screambox.

HE SCREAMS

Our productivity has...

'No matter where or when...'

..so we can see the rewards of our long-term planning starting to...

THEY ALL SCREAM

'..or with whom.'

I thought we might maybe have a wee romantic...

..the night.

SHE SCREAMS

The Screambox is there to help.

I came up with this idea when one of my food products failed to sell

and I lost my house and my wife and my children.

HE SCREAMS

I still cannae believe you pulled that mad big sword out, man.

I know, man. Mental, in't it?

Here we go, man.

Here, old yin. They sausage rolls ready yet?

Brilliant wee place this, in't it?

Aye, nice grub.

Have you noticed anything, but?

What?

Look at the other punters in here.

HE SNIFFS HARD Snobby.

Aye, snobby.

Is this a snobby joint?

Is this a snobby joint?

What's it called?

Capoeira. Is that a snobby word?

It's a Brazilian word, I think.

Is it a snobby Brazilian word?

I don't know if there are any snobs in Brazil.

Here, mate!

Is there snobs in Brazil?

Excuse me?

Hear that? "Excuse me."

-Who says that?

-Exactly. Snobby.

Excuse me.

Is this a snobby joint?

What do you mean?

Is this one of they snobby joints with snobby people

looking down on people like us?

It's a mix. Is there a problem?

Listen, mate. Why do people come here?

Is it to prove how special they are?

Here, mate!

Why do you come here? Is it to prove how special you are?

Excuse me?

Hey! Enough of the "excuse me's" ya snobby Brazilian bastard!

C'mon Joe, up the road!

Up the road now!

-Up the road! Up the road!

-Up the road now!

-That's it! Up the road!

-Up the road!

Up the road now! Up the road!

Up the road now! Up the road!

-'Mon, up the road!

-Up the road!

Have you ever struggled for what to say

when your child asks you a difficult question?

Mummy, how are babies made?

You don't want to answer that question, right?

Contact me.

Big Des Murphy at I'll Dae It.

And I'll dae it. I will.

I'll dae it.

Your da' does the dirty to your old dear is how. The lucky dog.

Then nine months later, you bust your way out

like a jumbo jet's nose through a pigeon's arse.

I'll dae it.

Daddy, where's Granny now? Is she in Heaven?

Now that's a difficult question to answer, in't it?

I'll dae it.

It's nae skin aff my nose.

Your granny's rotting in the ground, son.

She's mair a soup than a granny now.

You could sook her up through one of your wee curly drinking straws.

My service is open to single parent families, tae.

I'll dae it. Just ask me.

I'll dae it.

Mammy, why did Daddy move out the house?

Does he not love me any more?

Your da' loves ye, son, he does.

But he loves that big slag fae up the Burnistoun high flats mair.

Nae luck. Love is a fallacy anyway, and men are all animals.

We're all just spinning through space on a ball of crap,

hanging on for dear life

like some maggots inside a deid dug

some wee guy's flung onto the waltzers.

Any time, seriously. I'll dae it.

I couldnae gie a fuck.

It's no my wean.

Ah, Davie.

Have a seat.

Hey, listen.

If it's about that result at the weekend, I'm on it.

It's not about that, Davie.

It's about our fans.

It's about this club's fans.

What about them?

I've been taking photographs of them.

See? Do you see?

I'm no followin' ye, Gaffer.

Be straight with me here, Davie.

Are we the ugly ones?

-What?

-Are we the ugly ones?

Of the two great sides across this Burnistoun divide,

are we the ugly bastards?

Erm...

It was last year it occurred to me.

I was sittin' in the director's box at the cup final

and when we scored the winning goal

I looked at our fans celebrating...

..I nearly boaked.

I nearly heaved over the back of the Lord Provost's suit jacket.

HE GROANS

Teeth missing, bellies hanging oot,

and that was just the lassies.

Oor lot are houkers, Gaffer, it's true.

A-a-ah! Dammit!

I'd heard their lot singing songs

about how our lot were the ugly ones,

but I thought it was just banter.

I didnae realise it was accurate, critical appraisal, set to music!

Look, leave it to me, all right?

I'm working on it.

How can you fix this?

I've got a scout over in Spain the noo.

We're going to sign a bunch of

Atletico Madrid fans for next season.

Wee honeys. Big tanned hunks.

Aye, aye, you get they gorgeous fans signed as quick as you can.

Don't you worry about the cost.

Now, you'd better hurry up.

I've got a meeting with

the new President of the Supporters' Club in a minute.

HE GROANS

Dom and Tom Toms are twins.

They live and work together every day

and are so on each other's wavelength

that they finish each others' sentences.

Hello.

How can we help you?

We do have a sale on today, so you just fill your...

-..bottom.

-Boots! Fill your boots!

I'm looking for a nice lamp for my wife.

It's our anniversary. Our tenth.

Oh, congratulations, my friend!

To be with one person for so long must be absolutely...

-..murder.

-Magic! Must be magic!

So go and have a rummage and give us a shout if anything tickles your...

-..fanny.

-Fancy, for God's sake!

Oh, we just love working in the shop.

I've loved antiques all my life.

I like nothing better than taking out some old thing and giving it a...

-..pull.

-Polish! Giving it a polish!

Even that sounds bad now, given the context you've created.

This is lovely. How much is it?

I'll just check the book.

I'm sure the price will be...

..a farce.

Affordable! Affordable.

Yes, £15.

I'll take it.

Thank you. And do give your wife our warmest...

-..willies.

-Wishes! Warmest wishes!

Warmest wishes!

(You are going to get us arrested again!)

All right, man? Two doner kebabs, please.

You wanting anything, old yin?

Suit yourself.

-Here, where's your sword?

-I sold it.

To who?

To them, mate. Free kebabs for a year, man.

Tell you what, mate, there's nothing better than a wee lock-in.

Aye. But have you no heard about the ghost?

The ghost?

In here.

The Legend of the Wee Baldy Man.

Naw.

Well, they say that in this building there lived a wee baldy man.

And one day he was found hanging frae the rafters.

Deid?

Deid.

And they say that wee baldy man haunts this place to this day.

That's creepy.

-HE SCREAMS

-Look! It's the Wee Baldy Man!

Where?

Stop trying to wind me up, you.

D'you think I'm...?

Oh! Argh!

Oh, my God, I saw it!

That was unbelievable. That was real!

THEY SCREAM

Argh! Argh!

Oh, I hit it! I hit it right in its wee baldy heid!

We need to get oot o' here!

THEY SCREAM

I love a wee lock-in, man. D'you love a wee lock-in, Dolan?

Aye. Have you heard about the ghost?

The ghost?

Two boys like us encountered it ten years ago.

They were never seen again.

Seriously?

Aye. Have you never heard of the Legend of the Wee Ghosty Boob?

The what?

THEY SCREAM

Hello! Have a howler, it's yer granny's growler,

Sir Herry Maclowderie!

APPLAUSE

# Aw land away and aw alang the gley

# And aw alang the brae afore the wainers

# And awa', awa' The ghostie dreecht awa'

# And Kanye West designed a pair o' trainers. #

Erm, I'm delighted to announce

that we've signed five thousand Atletico Madrid fans.

We've got Carlos and Isabella with us today.

MILD APPLAUSE

We love the Bornistown.

Go, go, Burnistowns!

Can I just ask why you've signed a load of football fans?

Erm, I think Carlos can probably answer that one.

Any other questions?

ALL: Me, me, me! Here, here!

Who's the ugly bastards now, eh?

There are stovies with more sausages than totties,

and there are stovies with more sausages than totties.

And then there's me.

Roddy was a fun-loving man who lived life to the fullest.

He loved nothing more

than fending off friendly jibes about his mullet, and...

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

'Hullo? Listen Davey, I cannae really talk the now, mate,

'I'm at a funeral.

'Aye. Guess whose?

'No. No.

'No, mine.

'Aye, MY funeral. Oh, I died the other week, mate.

'How? It's a bit of a beamer, mate.

'Took a heart attack having a chug. Aye, aye.

'Scants doon tae the ankles, lying on the bed with the hankies,

'baby oil scooshed ower ma gentleman's agreements.

'Picture of my sister-in-law wi' her diddies oot

'on the beach in Ibiza. Got a belter, man.

'Anyway, cannae play fitba this weekend,

'not unless you want to lie me down in goal with a couple of sandbags.

'Nae bother, mate. See you in the afterlife. Cheerio.

'That's me done, carry on.'

You know, see if I can sue for this,

-I am going to sue.

-Aye, aye.

They did this to me in London before they let me get on the plane.

Do you people no' communicate?

D'you think I went onto the aeroplane toilet

and shoved a big tube of overpriced Pringles up my arse?

See the guy in London that searched you, what did you think of him?

His hauns were too bloody big for this job.

Did you think he was good looking?

Did I think he was...? Why am I gettin' asked that question?

He's my boyfriend. I wondered what you thought of him.

He said he was looking for Class A drugs. He was a Class A bawbag.

It was him that phoned up and told me to search ye.

He already searched me in London! There's nothing there to find.

Oh, really? What's this then?

-SHE GASPS

-An engagement ring!

Oh, he's so romantic, is that not the sweetest thing you've ever seen?

That's your Davey McGrogan deid, man.

Aye, man. Poor guy.

Way it dragged oot in the end.

-Aye man. See when I go, mate, I want it to be nice and quick.

-Aye.

Nane of this "Oh, I've got some bad news,

"you've got a year to live" patter.

Naw, man - nice and quick.

A nice, quick "You've got six months to live."

You've got six months to live? That'd be horrible.

Naw, man. Nice and quick. You don't want it to get boring.

That's no' nice and quick.

Nice and quick is bang, you're deid.

That's what I want.

What, bang, you're deid? Instant death, mate? That's too quick.

Aye. That's what I want.

That's like saying, us two staunin' here the noo

and bang, we get took oot by a sniper.

Aye, nice and fast.

Are you saying you'd rather get taken oot by a sniper

than get a horrible disease?

Aye.

That's mental, mate.

Horrible diseases are normal,

but bang, sniper, deid, that's terrifying.

Doesn't need to be a sniper, mate. I could get hit by a bus. Bang!

-You're scaring me now, mate.

-How?

We're all going to die, right? Fact.

You want to get taken out by a bus?

You could arrange that in two minutes when the 37 goes by.

I'm no' saying I want to arrange it myself.

You'd want it to be a nice wee surprise.

Mate, if you die instantly it's no' a surprise, is it?

All right. I'll live long enough to go, "Oh, what a surprise." Deid.

"Oh, I didnae expect that bus to be there, what a surprise."

-Deid.

-Mate, do you want to wrap it with that bus patter?

Stepping in front of a bus is entirely under your control.

That's like saying you want to die by your ain haun.

All right, go back to the sniper then. Bang, you're deid!

You've nae idea. You wouldnae want that?

No, mate, no. I mean, I don't know, mate.

Maybe if the sniper had had a couple of halfs, right,

and he goes up the roof, he's half cut

and he goes, "Bang!" And he missed your heid, got us in the neck, man.

Deid about three hours later.

You'd bleed to death over a few hours?

That's the worst suggestion yet.

Bang, you're deid.

-No mate, no' bang you're deid.

-Aye, bang you're deid.

No, Peter, no' bang you're deid.

Bang, you're...oh!

It's all right, Peter, it was just a wee mad pigeon, man.

Seeing that pigeon's made me realise how much I want to live.

Too right, man. Too right.

Want tae go down the pub and get a pint? Might be the last.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd