Episode 5 Burnistoun

This programme contains adult humour.

TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS

All right? I'm Jolly Boy John.

Jolly Boy John pointing at his granny's pet turtle is For Real.

Jolly Boy John wearing his granny's tights on his heid

and asking her pet turtle some hard questions is For Real.

Here, how come your ma managed to get pregnant with you

while your da was in the jail, ya mad turtle?

What you going about with a cosh for, ya mad turtle?

Mad turtle! Mad turtle! Mad turtle! Get Real!

Jolly Boy John pouring all his granny's false teeth

down the legs of her tights and swinging them round his heid

and wearing a bikini made of her three pet turtles is For Real.

# I'm dressing like my granny with a turtle over my fanny

# Oh! Dressing like my granny with a turtle over my fanny, yo! #

For Real!

Mad, mad turtle, turtle, turtle, turtle!

Charlie Nicholas, Chris Kamara, Jeff Stelling,

you're on that football

trying to be as For Real as Jolly Boy John...Get Real!

Mad Turtle!

Right, you, Toshan, remember what the match commander told us.

Nae watching the game.

Eyes on the crowd at all times, like quality polis.

Nae watching Burnistoun United tanking your lot, McGregor.

Nae watching United City

putting all your airy-fairy wee players on their arses.

None o' that. Quality polis.

Quality polis.

CROWD ROARS

Eyes on the crowd, on the crowd!

Eyes skelped on the crowd a belter!

Right, that's it. I'm gonnae...eh...

I'm gonnae check there's nae violence

happening on the field, right?

Yes! Yes! Off you go!

Off you go, you dirty bastard!

Yes! Yes!

Your team are gonnae get pumped now,

cos you've just had a guy sent off.

I hate your lot! I hate them!

I hate yours!

Aw, there he is, eh?!

The quality goalie, eh?

Toshan, give this HERO his ball back.

HE SPRAYS PEPPER AND GOALIE SCREAMS

I never touched him or nothin'! Get off!

That was play-acting, sure it was?!

-Toshan!

-Ho!

Gaffer, you'll need to send down the horses.

That's another riot on the go.

Aye, it was a sending off.

Aye, it was a sending off!

You're a United fan an' all? I'll tell you what then,

Your team are shite!

Yis are shite!

You come doon here and say that to my face!

Come and say that to my face, you rat, you!

Get your hands off us, ya horrors!

There are special offers on sharp sand at B&Q,

and there are SPECIAL OFFERS on sharp sand at B&Q.

And then there's me...

Ahhh!

I had no idea my muscles were so tense.

Ahhh!

Aw, I just feel so relaxed!

Would you like a happy ending?

I would love a happy ending.

Well, just turn over onto your back.

You were separated in care as young children

when your mother abandoned you after your father's death.

His adopted family moved to Australia

and you haven't seen or heard from each other in over thirty years.

It's your brother, Craig!

I can't believe it's you!

And it's your mother, Morag!

My boys, my boys! I'm so sorry!

Oh, your stauner looks just like your Dad's used to!

He'd have been so proud of you, son!

Burnistoun, I want to sing to y'all tonight. Hit me!

# Baby, baby

# I want to touch you and hold you tight... #

Wahh!

# Baby, baby

# I want to hold you and squeeze you just right

HE WINCES

HE MUMBLES

# I'm sorry, baby

# Just remembered about death for a moment there

# Baby

# I love you

# I love you... #

Whoo!

Buy it!

Buy it!

Buy what?

I drive one of these myself. Just buy it!

I hope Paul's giving you the red carpet treatment

because if he's not, I'll butcher his ear lobes!

THEY MAKE FIGHTING NOISES

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I actually drive one of these myself.

I just bought a new car!

New, schmoo, yer maw buzzes glue! Buy it!

-Buy it!

-Buy it!

-Buy it!

-Buy it!

-Bleurgh!

-Bleurgh!

-Bleurgh!

-Bleurgh!

-Bleurgh!

-Bleurgh!

-Bleurgh!

-Bleurgh!

All right!

Waaahhh! I assume you'll be wanting

the tip-top-toppety of the r-r-r-ray-ray-range?

-Top!

-Toppetty!

-Top!

-Toppetty!

-Top!

-Toppetty!

-Top!

Top-top-top....TOOOOOOP!

-TOOOOOOOP!

-Top! Top! Top! Top!

-TOOOOOOOP!

-Top! Top! Top! Top!

-All right!

-Yes!

HE SOBS

THEY SING CELEBRATORY SONG

DRAMATIC MUSIC

See the next time you have a fish supper

and you find a black chip?

That's a government chip!

HE PANTS

Keep your eyes open!

GAMES CONSOLE CONTROLLERS CLICK

-HE SNIGGERS

-Aw naw!

Here's Marky boy coming again!

THEY GROAN AND SIGH

Who's Marky boy?

Our mate. He used to be all right,

but he took something at a party one night and had a bad trip.

It's totally messed him up.

He thought he was taking an ecstasy

but he ended up taking one of they Thatcher pills.

Now half the people that took them think they're Maggie Thatcher.

Maggie Thatcher?

All right, boys?

All right, Marky?

Marky, this is DO. DO, Marky.

All right mate?

Diego? Sounds a wee bit Argentinian to me, mate.

Where you fae?

Burnistoun.

You'd better be, mate. You'd better be. Do you know who I am?

I'm Maggie Thatcher, mate.

I'm your Prime Minister!

Right, Marky, sit down. Don't start your shite.

Sorry, man. Sorry.

I've been getting my heid nipped about shipyards all day, man.

I'll tell you, see by the time I'm done with the Scottish,

they'll no forget me.

Where d'ye stay?

Faulkner Drive.

The Falkland Islands?!

You want to try and claim the Falkland Islands?!

You and me, square go the now, Maradona!

I'll get the navy to torpedo your wee fat tadger for you!

Do you think I'm just gonnae take this?

You've got some brass neck coming here to Ten Downing Street

to square up to the Iron Lady, Nigel Lawson and Norman Tebbitt!

Listen mate, we were all having a good time

before you walked in that door,

so why don't you turn yoursel' back around and walk back oot?

Listen, the lady's not for turning, ya fanny!

The lady's not for turning.

I think what my Right Honourable Friend is trying to say here

is that we all have everything we need to have a good time, right?

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

My ma's not wanting us drinking up here, Mark.

Tell your ma to shut it or I'll shut down that factory she works in.

I'm playing the winner.

Oh-ho-ho! It's a magnificent strike!

Miners' strike?!

Right, come here you, ya mad Scargill!

There's the Hand of God, Diego! Ya wee prick!

The wee man came into the side over the past few weeks.

He's done great.

We saw his potential in training from the start of the season,

and at 17, he's only going to get better.

So John, would you do the honour of presenting him

with the Richie Stroke Burnistoun Butcher Man of the Match?

Ho! Ho!

It's against the law to supply an under-ager with drink, sure it is!

I'm going to have to take you down to the station, pal! Know that way?

And that is getting taxed an' all, ya diving wee dick!

Oh-ho-ho! There he is, eh?

# Oh-ho-ho! Oh-ho-ho!

# Tommy, Tommy, gis a wave

# Tommy, gis a wave

# Tommy, Tommy, gis a wave. #

Yas!

Ah, brilliant, man, brilliant!

The wee man came into the side over the last few weeks. He's done great.

We saw his potential in training...when we sneaked in...

from the start of the season, and at seventeen,

he's only going to get better.

Just wondering, eh, any more police going to invade my interview?

One of us, or one of them?

They're all one of them, big man.

Aye, too right.

I'll tell ye something, don't (BLEEP) ever offer me that again!

Peppered! HE SPRAYS PEPPER

REPORTER SCREAMS AND COUGHS

Quality polis!

# Let me see you dance

# Let me see you dance

# Let me see you dance

# Let me see you dance, y'all

# Let me see you dance... #

Now I want everybody on their feet for this one

# Let me see you dance

# Let me see you dance... #

Everybody, everybody!

Nah, I'm all right

# Let me see you dance... #

C'mon!

All right!

# Let me see you dance... #

And I don't want to see no stepping from side to side dance either.

I want to see some real dancing in here tonight, y'all.

Turn the house lights on.

I want to see my people dancing.

Stop the music.

But everybody keep dancing.

But I want y'all to dance in silence.

Now I want all my band off the stage.

Thank you, guys.

But everybody keep dancing.

Keep dancing.

Let me see you dance.

Now I'm going to choose one of y'all from the audience tonight.

You.

The guy with the mustard sweater on.

The guy looking at the floor, with the mustard sweater on.

Let me see you dance.

Yeah!

Now I want everybody to stop dancing,

everybody except this guy, and watch this guy dance.

Let everybody see you dance.

All right. Now I want everybody to leave now

except this guy.

You've been a wonderful audience. Goodnight!

You keep dancing.

Let me see you dance.

Let me see you dance.

Let me see you dance.

Decent wee pub this, in't it?

Aye.

Have you noticed anything, but?

What?

Look at all the punters in here.

-Ancient.

-Is this an old man's pub?

Is this a smelly old granda's pub?

-Ho, barman!

-Barman!

-What is it?

-Is this an old man's pub, barman?

Do we look like a couple of old granda's staunin' here, barman?

Do we look like a couple of pishy old granda's here, barman?

Naw. It's just a pub.

Here, auld yin!

-Aye?

-Can you hear me, auld yin?

Will we speak up a bit for ye, auld yin?

-Turn up your hearing aid, auld yin!

-I can hear ye.

Is this an auld man's pub?

Are we like a couple of smelly auld pishy men in here, auld yin?

Can ye hear us? I'm sayin'...

I can hear ye.

Is this an auld coffin-dodgers' pub?

Do we look like we're wearing yellow stained trousers in here, auld yin?

This is just a family pub.

Aw, it's just for families, is it, eh?

Is that you judging us because we're in a same-sex relationship?

Typical auld man's pub, auld man's prejudice.

C'mon Joe - up the road.

-Up the road now!

-Up the road.

-Up the road.

-Up the road.

-Up the road now!

-Up the road, Joe.

-Up the road now, up the road.

-Up the road now!

-Up the road.

-Up the road.

Up the road!

-Up the road!

-Up the road!

Here, mate. See the next time you're posting a letter,

have a listen at that slot.

See if you hear beeping or somebody complaining about their working conditions,

that's a government postbox.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Keep your eyes open.

All right, Peter?

Aye.

All right, I'll go hame and put my trainers on.

Sake!

CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICK

Aagh!

This'll do for my maw's hall.

What can I get you?

Double cheeseburger meal, please. With a banana milkshake.

Anything else?

Big Tasty meal. Er, large, with a Diet Coke.

Anything else?

Anything else?

-Anything else?

-No!

Anything else?

Anything else?

Sorry, I just remembered about death there.

Mozzarella dippers as well, please. And an apple pie.

That's all.

-Pay at the next window.

-Hey.

Trainers!

HE SIGHS

What you want to do today, mate?

Don't know, mate. What do you want to do?

-I'm no' fussed, mate. It's up to you.

-I'm quite happy with whatever.

-Naw, honestly, you decide.

-Naw, why don't you decide?

How can you no' decide?

Cos I'm no' bothered. You decide.

I'm no bothered either, mate. Whatever.

Don't "whatever" me, mate. You decide.

I don't care, mate.

I don't care either, mate. So you decide, ya joke!

You're the joke, mate.

You're the one that can't decide what he wants to do.

Well, maybe I don't want to do anything, mate!

I was only asking you what you what you wanted to do, all right?

So decide!

You decide.

NAW!

DECI-I-I-I-DE!

NAW!

DECI-I-I-I-DE!

Here's what I want to do today, mate, all right?

I would love to go to your funeral, mate,

I'd carry the coffin up the stairs to that crematorium myself.

I'd have a wee party hat on, mate, and I'd be singing

# Do-do-do-do dah-dah-dah-dah

# It's a celebration This bastard's getting burnt! #

I'll tell you what I want to do today, mate.

I would love to get cremated, mate.

BURN ME! BURN ME!

And when they put me into that fiery furnace,

I'll reach out with my hand and I'll grab your neck

and I'll pull ye in beside me, mate.

AND WE'LL BOTH BURN TOGETHER!

Well, here is what I want to do today, mate.

I would love for you to pull me into that furnace, mate,

and then I'd jump out, a big fireball with legs,

and I'd climb over your maw and your sisters

and with all that hairspray they wear, mate,

they would go up like a row of big fat fireworks!

BOOM! POW! OOH! AAH!

Your whole family deid!

Every single person that loves you, mate!

Deid!

Every single memory of your existence on this planet, mate,

extinguished.

I HATE YOU!

I don't suppose you'll be wanting to go for a run in the new van

I bought for us.

Palsmobile, mate.

Palsmobile.

Pals only.

HE SNIFFS

Hello.

Get yer dugs up on their feecht

for Herry McLoudery.

The nicht went the braw ken tak alang a' way

And the quine went the nicht wi' the drum an' scatch

And awa', and awa' and it eywis wis awa'

And the model's dating Benedict Cumberbatch.

Right. Yer mam wants me to learn you the family trade cos you're a rocket

and your superstar DJ lifestyle's gettin' you nowhere.

This guy's supposed to pay me two grand a week ago.

So we'll act like I'm no here.

You go in, demand the money. I'll watch, see how you get on.

Get in there, show him your stuff.

I'm on it.

Show him my stuff.

Show him my stuff.

-What do you want?

-Show us your muff.

-What?

-I mean, show us your fanny.

I mean, gie me the stuff, ya fanny.

-Who are you?

-I'm DJ Bertie Booster.

I mean, I'm Uncle Gary's nephew.

DJ Bertie Booster's my showbiz name.

Well, listen, wee man.

We'll boost ye out that window there if you don't piss off.

That's fair do's, that's quality feedback. I'll just...

What's that?

I just think the guy's maybe a wee bit short on cash, right,

-and if we let him save up...

-You want people to think they can bump me outta dough?

Get back in there.

Nobody bumps my uncle outta dough...

I am gonnae pump your uncle in his hole!

What you talking aboot?

Look, tell you what. Geez us a tenner now, right?

How about I stick this tumbler up your arse

-and pour you a pint of my shoes?

-I don't know what that really means

but I'll just go anyway in case it happens

and I don't like it.

-It's a work-in-progress.

-We're no' negotiating here!

Stop shoutin' at us, Uncle Gary,

-or I'll pour a pint of arse on your shoes.

-What?!

I never said anything.

Listen....

"I'm fae Gary Riley. I want his money."

And then break something if you need to. Get in there.

Right....

Looks like we've had a little accident.

I'm here for Gary Riley. Gie me his money.

Listen, wee man, I don't know you fae Adam.

So if Gary Riley wants his money, tell him to send somebody I know.

What if I prove to you that I'm Gary Riley's nephew?

And how would you do that?

I'll tell you something only a family member would know.

Go, then.

Right. Right.

When I was a wee boy, Uncle Gary took me to Blackpool

and we went on the Grand National.

He had a bad hangover and when we went over the fastest bump,

he shat himself.

MEN LAUGH

What, yous don't believe me? Uncle Gary?

Uncle Gary?

Looking for a Friday night DJ?

Fair do's.

And what will you be putting

into the Burnistoun Winter Gardens time capsule?

I'm going to put in this Ben 10 toy

so that Burnistoun children of the future

will know what boys played with in the year 2012.

I'm putting in this CD,

because it's the music that's meant the most to me in 2012.

Well, I think that's everybody. So we'll...

MAN CLEARS THROAT I've got something.

I'm putting in this sawn-off shotgun

so that the polis cannae trace...

so that the polis of the future can have a better understanding

of how I robbed...how criminals robbed post offices in the past.

Right. I...

I'll put in this machete, so the Burnistoun children of the future

know that hitmen sent up from London to do you in

need to be dealt with in a brutal manner

to send the message to the Burnistoun boys...

So children of the future understand what a good machete looks like.

If we could maybe not have any more weapons going into the time capsule,

it's not really the kind of...

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd