Episode 4 Burnistoun

Your da' just kept a lot of junk up there, boys.

I don't think there'll be anything worth finding.

Och, you never know, Ma, might be something interesting up there.

Have you been up since he died?

No, no been up there for ages. Ach, youse knock yourselves out though.

Right, listen.

In the hospital before he died,

my da' told me he kept his porn stash up there.

Aw, what?

His porn stash.

He asked me to get rid of it for him, in case Ma found it.

I don't want to know what kind of things he was into.

If I'm doing it, you can do it an' all, right?

Now, I'll go up, you keep the edgy in case my ma comes back,

and you'll need to help me sneak it out an' all.

Apparently, it was quite a big stash.

'Sake, man! Hurry up, then.

Do youse want a cup of tea?

Oh!

All right?

I'm Jolly Boy John. Jolly Boy John wearing his da's wig is FOR REAL.

Back in the '50s,

the ladies all called me Mr Haircut.

Jolly Boy John wearing a pair of pants made out of his da's wig...

Wig. Wig.

..and giving Pixie Lott a knockback is FOR REAL.

I'm Jolly Boy John.

Listen, Pixie Doll, I've telt you before,

you're no' getting a dry ride!

Jolly Boy John wearing his ma's drawers

and breaking eggs for an omelette

in them is FOR REAL.

Cooking eggs in panties on the BBC.

Don't forget the cooking oil... Trumpet.

My ma used to bake bread in her pants when we went camping in Wales.

Trumpet.

Pixie Lott wants to eat my omelette!

Oh!

FOR REAL. Barack Obama, George Bush, Bill Clinton,

youse think running America makes you as for real as Jolly Boy John?

GET REAL!

I hear you have a special relationship with The Almighty,

Father Mackenzie.

Oh, aye, it's true, we have good banter.

Good banter?

Oh, aye, some laugh!

What do you mean?

Patter. Banter. Good slaggings, and all that.

Are you saying you slag off God?

Aye, of course I do.

I pure wind Him up something rotten, tie Him up in knots.

'Aye, ding dong! I tie You up in knots, you roaster!'

Och, away, and start a flood or something, you old tramp, you!

'I'll start a flood in your trousers, Mackenzie,

'when I burst your bladder with a swift right hook!'

See what I mean? Some banter fae the Big Man!

I'm no' wanting to pay that.

Just want something for cutting about the house with.

Say no more.

Get along to Ciderson's Stores to try out

our new Cut Aboot The Hoose clothing range.

Saggy joggies.

Ah!

Ill-fitting T-shirts siphoned from your teenage weans.

Jumpers you bought four stone ago.

We know there's nothing worse

than the first time you stain a new T-shirt.

That's why our Cut Aboot The Hoose T-shirts come pre-stained!

We've got...

..and so much more.

When it comes to joggy bottoms, we know you don't just like them comfy,

you like them extra comfy,

which is why your Cut Aboot The Hoose joggies come pre-stretched

by some of the top arses in the British arse industry today.

Guaranteed.

Ciderson's Cut Aboot The Hoose range,

we care about making sure you look like you don't.

BELL CHIMES

Aye?

It says you've got the world's first interactive ice-cream van?

Aye.

I downloaded the app.

HE SIGHS

So what do I do, mate?

Right, well, you make the wee man

on the wee van on that move about,

and this app suit makes me move about on the real van.

Calm doon. Calm doon, mate, before you break my arms!

Right, nice and steady.

I'm losing signal here, pal.

Right...

No, mate, that's not what it's for, mate.

Come on, mate!

I want flying saucers and strawberry shoelaces, mate.

Ye can have a Mars bar.

70 pence.

Ye no' want the money, mate? Here...

If ye don't want the money, mate, I'll keep it.

Listen, ye bag o' fannies, I am going to stick one on your chin!

Oof!

Hello! Crank a lanky in the ladies' lum, it's Harry MacLowderie!

# All alang the way

# And awa' alang the way

# And all alang the way

# Ye hear a moaning sound

# Cos awa' and awa' and the laddies are awa'

# Cos apparently, Rihanna's had the phone pics hacked. #

Hey, baby!

Hey, baby, baby!

Hey, baby, baby, baby!

Da'!

WOMAN ON TV GASPS

HE TUTS AND SIGHS

What?

Gasping, mate. I hate it when people gasp in films. A lot of shegite, man.

That's it spoilt for me now.

Is that no' a wee bit extreme, mate?

Who gasps in real life, mate?

Wouldn't even know where to get started with that gasping shite.

Ah! Ah!

You think you're going to suddenly decide to gasp one day,

and it's going to come out sounding perfect first time?

What you going on about?

I gasp, mate. All right? I gasp.

HE SCOFFS Piss off!

I'm a renowned gasper, mate.

Mad Frankie, the Gasper, they call me.

When do you gasp?

When I'm startled.

Right. Show us your gasp, then.

HE GASPS

See? Think you're just born wi' gasping skills like that?

That was no better than my gasp.

HE GASPS

You're only saying that because your ear isn't tuned

to pick up the subtleties in my gasp, all right?

I'm gasping at how bad your gasping is, mate.

Ah!

Ah!

-Shite.

-How is it?

It just sounded exactly the same.

It's not even similar. Listen.

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Garbage. I've practised for years to get this good, mate.

Three hours a day, every day, including Christmas Day.

How do you practise gasping?

You want me to tell you?

First of all, you start off with a series of ten sprint gasps, right?

HE GASPS QUICKLY TEN TIMES

HE IMITATES BADLY

Calm down, mate.

You're like a wee guy having sex for the first time,

shagging too fast.

Then it's 20 minutes of slow gasping, right?

HE GASPS SLOWLY

HE IMITATES POORLY

Right, I'm only going to say this to you because you're my mate, right?

Gasping is not for you, pal.

You're dross.

D'you know what? You can piss off, mate, right?

Here's what I think, right?

You tried a wee bit of gasping,

learned a wee bit of the lingo, and noo, you're trying to pass

yersel' off as some kind of gasping sensei, or something.

Well, I don't need to be a sensei.

You know, your gasping wouldn't look out of place

on a bit of smeared bog roll, mate.

PROLONGED GASP

How do you get God to speak to you so directly, Father Mackenzie?

Well, you see, I used to be like you.

Always being nice to God, bumming Him up.

"Oh, God, you are so good. Oh, God, you are so great." All that patter.

And is that wrong?

He doesnae like all that praise. It makes him hit a beamer.

One night, I was praying and I heard Him talk to me.

And what did He say?

He said, in His wisdom, that He liked - His words -

"Getting slagged a belter

"like a spotty junior apprentice on a building site."

So that's what I dae. Here, watch this...

Aw, look at all this dust!

Whoever's hoose this is - God's hoose - keeps a right dirty hoose!

'Aye, very funny. Is that the best you've got, Mackenzie, you pie?

'You know why the women you work with are called a nun?

'Because that's how many think you're good looking, mate - none!'

Oh, aye, cos you're dead handsome, aren't you?!

What's that look you're going for? Kenny Rogers in a homeless hostel?!

'It took me seven days to create the world, Mackenzie,

'but I could create

'a wee aneurism in your brain as fast as squeezing out a fart!'

Some banter fae the Big Man!

All right? You might know somebody like me.

In every single photie I've ever had taken of me,

I always dae an old double bird.

Every single photie, man. C'mon, take a look.

There's me when I was on holiday in Spain.

There's me when I was in Afghanistan.

Aw, there's me on my wedding day.

There's me when my wee baby boy was born.

There's me getting my medal fae the Queen.

There's me when I was nine.

Aw! And there's me when I was five.

Och, and there's my wee mammy before I was born.

That's me in my mammy's belly.

It's magic, the old double bird. Try it yourself. See you later!

BELLS CHIME

There we are. Do you want some...?

Ya pair of wee bastards!

This is lovely.

Amazing.

You know, when your friends set you up on a blind date,

you certainly don't expect to meet someone so gorgeous.

I just hope you're not disappointed yourself.

I'm swallowing it, but the cheese hasn't broke.

HE GAGS

So, taxi back to yours?

Hiya.

Thanks for buying our instructional video - How To Punch A Guy.

Now, in this first lesson,

I'm going to be showing you the famous crab punch.

This is my brother-in-law, Gardo.

-Hiya.

-Huh!

-Are you ready, Gardo?

-Aye. Punch away.

-Now, here is your stance.

This is called crab stance.

It's named after a kind of fish, a crab.

You get the full movement in crab stance.

And now, the punch.

Now, this next punch is legendary... Huh!

-An iconic skelp.

-Huh!

This is the traditional Burnistoun timetrap punch. Ready, Gardo?

Ready.

The textbook Burnistoun timetrap wi' a patter flourish.

HE INHALES

What's the time, Gardo?

It's...

It's time you stopped punching yersel', mate.

Let's take a look at that in slow motion.

Now, a couple of guys got killed doing the Burnistoun timetrap,

so please, please, please, don't try this at home, right, kids?

See, when I was a wee guy, Peter,

I used to think that maybe all this was just my imagination.

All what?

Everything. The world, man. Everything.

That was stupid, wasn't it?

Thing is, but...

I've never seen any proof that it isnae.

-What?

-Where's the proof, Peter? Think about it.

Why would you imagine anything as shite as this? This flat.

Having one pair of scabby trainers to your name!

Are you even real, Peter?

-Think about it.

-Aye. I'm real.

Don't get me wrang, sometimes, I wish I wasnae,

but it was giro day today, so today, aye, I'm real.

Are ye, but? Or am I just imagining you saying that? Think about it.

Why are you the one imagining me? Why am I no' imagining you?

Why would you imagine yersel' the way you are, the mess you're in?

I'm a mess? You're worse than me!

I'm happy, but.

I like my life, so I would imagine this, but you're never happy, Peter.

Why would this be your dream? Think about it.

No. No, I'm the real one, if any of us is.

Why are you always in my flat, Peter?

Because you're a lazy bastard, is why.

Aye, I'm lazy. So in this world I imagine,

where would everything that happens to me happen, mate? In my ain hoose.

So that I never need to move off my arse. Think about it.

Right, let's go to my flat the noo, then.

Peter, do you even have a flat? I've never been in it.

That's cos you never come to visit me.

Or because it disnae exist, mate.

Maybe you only exist here, wi' me, nowhere else.

We go for curries, don't we? We go to the pub.

I'm a greedy pie that likes a drink, so I WOULD imagine those places.

That's the universe I'd create, man.

You're just proving my point here, Peter.

There's no proof, Peter, there's nae proof

that you exist anywhere outside...this.

Garbage.

In fact, when I think about it, mate,

I've never seen you anywhere without me being there.

How could you, mate? How could you?!

Is it no' weird, Peter? Is that no' weird? Think about it.

You think about it. How could you see me if you're no' actually there?

You'd have to be there to see me, wouldn't you?

Or maybe I'd have to be there to imagine you being there, mate.

Think about it.

HE SIGHS I'm away.

Where're you off to, mate?

Hame.

Aye, that's where I imagined you'd be going.

Do you think maybe I could try

-speaking to God, Father Mackenzie?

-The way I speak to Him, you mean?

Aye.

I don't know, son. He'll tie you in knots wi' His patter, I think.

-What are your slaggings like?

-All right, I think.

All right, geez' a sec.

Ho, bawheid!

'You talking to me, Mackenzie?'

This boy here wants a word with you.

-On ye go, son.

-Aye.

You're a big dafty! So ye are.

'Is that it? If human patter's that garbage, I should have covered Adam's mooth

'with a fig leaf, instead of his willy!

'I should smite you the noo, wee man.'

Aw, shut up, ye smitehawk!

'Right, that's it, I'm coming doon!'

He willnae. He's bluffing.

Smitehawk, is it?!

I'm the guy that helped Moses part the Red Sea.

-You think I cannae help this sandal part yer arse cheeks?!

-Ha-ha! Yes!

Ye want to rumble, Mackenzie?

Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth, haw maw for a haw maw?

A square go, seriously!

Bah! I'm only ribbin' ye!

That's no' why I'm doon. I'm doon for another reason.

Oh, aye, what's that?

It's your time, Mackenzie. I'm sorry. I'm doon here to fetch you.

Ha! Yeah...

Come on. We can still have good patter up there, eh?

A wee heart attack and away we go.

Aye... Aye, I suppose.

-HE LAUGHS HEARTILY

-I got you a belter!

-Oh, ya shite, ye!

-You should have seen your face there!

You looked like my boy when he found out what his job doon here was!

Best one ever!

You stick in at this, son. You're doin' a good job.

My love be with you, and all that patter!

So long, suckers!

Aw, some banter fae the Big Man!

There are 3-5-2 formations and there are 3-5-2 formations.

And then there's me!

I've got a hole in the armpit of this sweater.

Go get changed, then.

I'll be fine.

You'd better not lift that arm today and embarrass me!

-Och, I need to go.

-I mean it.

You lift that arm even once and there'll be nae nookie the night!

Suspect matches the description.

-But that's no' me.

-Arms in the air!

-I...

-Hands up!

-No, boys...

-Arms in the air now!

-I cannae...

GUNSHOT

A guy needs his nookie.

Here, boys, boys.

-You all right, man?

-How's it going there, man?

I've thought up a new song for today.

-Oh, here we go.

-What now?

When the other mob's bus is leaving, we sing this...

# Drive safely!

# Drive safely!

# It's only a game

# We want you all hame

# Safe and sound... #

Terrible.

Terrible, Tommy.

# ..To find us in bed wi' your dug! #

What?!

# To find us in bed wi' your da'! #

What?!

# To find us in bed wi' your bird! #

YES!

It's fantastic to see, especially if you get up close. You can...

I'm sorry, I hate that I keep pushing you back like that,

but you have to understand that we only move these models

a fraction of an inch at a time.

If you were to bump one, even just move an arm a little tiny bit,

it would be a total catastrophe for us.

Oh, no, of course, of course. I'm sorry.

DOOR OPENS

Can I help you?

I think I'm in the wrong studio here, son.

My name's Biscuity Boyle, Burnistoun's favourite son,

I'm getting interviewed for that Legends of Sport thing,

but I got lost on the way back fae the toilet there.

Oh, here, that's that wee rabbit fella and his wee carrot pal.

There's a wee lassie stays next door to me, she's mad about this pair.

I'd nae idea youse...

HE GROANS

Oh, Mammy-Daddy! Oh, Mammy-Daddy!

Oh, in front of a camera as well.

Captured for posteriery.

HE BREAKS WIND

Betrayal by back passage. Oh...

The pressure on my abdomen there,

I think I've maybe urilated on your wee rabbit's carpet a bit.

Listen, I'll make myself scarce.

That's textbook, that, incidentally, old trousers taunting me.

-CRACKING

-Oh!

My knee's locked!

Used to be champion knees, these. Et tu, Brute?

I'm going here...

I wasnae always like this, son, I used to be an athlete.

Look at me now, rolling about, destroying a wee hoose

like a geriatric pishy Godzilla.

Where's Mr Carrot?

Where's Mr Carrot?!

Calm, calm, calm doon, son. I'm sure he's...

Hold on here. Either my Jeremy's went numb again or...

Mr Carrot's in my trousers.

Aye, there he is, there's the wee fellow. Out ye come, pal.

There he is, there.

Oh, here, I'll put that away.

Oh, that's odd, that.

That normally only goes numb

right before I've had one of them blackouts...

When this scum planted the bomb that killed our men,

they thought they had destroyed this investigation.

But little did they know that we still have this.

Everything our team was working on for months.

Every player and, mair importantly, who's connected to who.

Now, this might be a mystery to all of us right now,

but we, we will...

we will not leave this room the night

until we have worked this out, joined the dots,

and are able to pick up this investigation where it left aff

and finally put these bastards away!

Come on, I'll just take youse all to the pictures, come on.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd