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Your da' just kept a lot of junk up there, boys. | 0:00:18 | 0:00:21 | |
I don't think there'll be anything worth finding. | 0:00:21 | 0:00:23 | |
Och, you never know, Ma, might be something interesting up there. | 0:00:23 | 0:00:27 | |
Have you been up since he died? | 0:00:27 | 0:00:29 | |
No, no been up there for ages. Ach, youse knock yourselves out though. | 0:00:29 | 0:00:34 | |
Right, listen. | 0:00:38 | 0:00:39 | |
In the hospital before he died, | 0:00:39 | 0:00:41 | |
my da' told me he kept his porn stash up there. | 0:00:41 | 0:00:44 | |
Aw, what? | 0:00:44 | 0:00:45 | |
His porn stash. | 0:00:45 | 0:00:46 | |
He asked me to get rid of it for him, in case Ma found it. | 0:00:46 | 0:00:49 | |
I don't want to know what kind of things he was into. | 0:00:49 | 0:00:52 | |
If I'm doing it, you can do it an' all, right? | 0:00:52 | 0:00:54 | |
Now, I'll go up, you keep the edgy in case my ma comes back, | 0:00:54 | 0:00:58 | |
and you'll need to help me sneak it out an' all. | 0:00:58 | 0:01:00 | |
Apparently, it was quite a big stash. | 0:01:00 | 0:01:02 | |
'Sake, man! Hurry up, then. | 0:01:02 | 0:01:05 | |
Do youse want a cup of tea? | 0:01:14 | 0:01:16 | |
Oh! | 0:01:16 | 0:01:18 | |
All right? | 0:01:22 | 0:01:24 | |
I'm Jolly Boy John. Jolly Boy John wearing his da's wig is FOR REAL. | 0:01:24 | 0:01:27 | |
Back in the '50s, | 0:01:27 | 0:01:28 | |
the ladies all called me Mr Haircut. | 0:01:28 | 0:01:32 | |
Jolly Boy John wearing a pair of pants made out of his da's wig... | 0:01:32 | 0:01:34 | |
Wig. Wig. | 0:01:34 | 0:01:35 | |
..and giving Pixie Lott a knockback is FOR REAL. | 0:01:35 | 0:01:37 | |
I'm Jolly Boy John. | 0:01:37 | 0:01:39 | |
Listen, Pixie Doll, I've telt you before, | 0:01:39 | 0:01:42 | |
you're no' getting a dry ride! | 0:01:42 | 0:01:44 | |
Jolly Boy John wearing his ma's drawers | 0:01:44 | 0:01:45 | |
and breaking eggs for an omelette | 0:01:45 | 0:01:47 | |
in them is FOR REAL. | 0:01:47 | 0:01:48 | |
Cooking eggs in panties on the BBC. | 0:01:48 | 0:01:52 | |
Don't forget the cooking oil... Trumpet. | 0:01:52 | 0:01:55 | |
My ma used to bake bread in her pants when we went camping in Wales. | 0:01:55 | 0:01:58 | |
Trumpet. | 0:01:58 | 0:01:59 | |
Pixie Lott wants to eat my omelette! | 0:01:59 | 0:02:02 | |
Oh! | 0:02:02 | 0:02:04 | |
FOR REAL. Barack Obama, George Bush, Bill Clinton, | 0:02:04 | 0:02:08 | |
youse think running America makes you as for real as Jolly Boy John? | 0:02:08 | 0:02:12 | |
GET REAL! | 0:02:12 | 0:02:14 | |
I hear you have a special relationship with The Almighty, | 0:02:18 | 0:02:21 | |
Father Mackenzie. | 0:02:21 | 0:02:22 | |
Oh, aye, it's true, we have good banter. | 0:02:22 | 0:02:25 | |
Good banter? | 0:02:25 | 0:02:27 | |
Oh, aye, some laugh! | 0:02:27 | 0:02:29 | |
What do you mean? | 0:02:29 | 0:02:31 | |
Patter. Banter. Good slaggings, and all that. | 0:02:31 | 0:02:35 | |
Are you saying you slag off God? | 0:02:35 | 0:02:37 | |
Aye, of course I do. | 0:02:38 | 0:02:40 | |
I pure wind Him up something rotten, tie Him up in knots. | 0:02:40 | 0:02:42 | |
'Aye, ding dong! I tie You up in knots, you roaster!' | 0:02:42 | 0:02:46 | |
Och, away, and start a flood or something, you old tramp, you! | 0:02:46 | 0:02:51 | |
'I'll start a flood in your trousers, Mackenzie, | 0:02:51 | 0:02:53 | |
'when I burst your bladder with a swift right hook!' | 0:02:53 | 0:02:55 | |
See what I mean? Some banter fae the Big Man! | 0:02:55 | 0:02:58 | |
I'm no' wanting to pay that. | 0:03:06 | 0:03:08 | |
Just want something for cutting about the house with. | 0:03:08 | 0:03:11 | |
Say no more. | 0:03:11 | 0:03:12 | |
Get along to Ciderson's Stores to try out | 0:03:12 | 0:03:14 | |
our new Cut Aboot The Hoose clothing range. | 0:03:14 | 0:03:17 | |
Saggy joggies. | 0:03:17 | 0:03:18 | |
Ah! | 0:03:18 | 0:03:20 | |
Ill-fitting T-shirts siphoned from your teenage weans. | 0:03:20 | 0:03:23 | |
Jumpers you bought four stone ago. | 0:03:23 | 0:03:26 | |
We know there's nothing worse | 0:03:26 | 0:03:27 | |
than the first time you stain a new T-shirt. | 0:03:27 | 0:03:30 | |
That's why our Cut Aboot The Hoose T-shirts come pre-stained! | 0:03:30 | 0:03:34 | |
We've got... | 0:03:35 | 0:03:37 | |
..and so much more. | 0:03:46 | 0:03:48 | |
When it comes to joggy bottoms, we know you don't just like them comfy, | 0:03:48 | 0:03:51 | |
you like them extra comfy, | 0:03:51 | 0:03:53 | |
which is why your Cut Aboot The Hoose joggies come pre-stretched | 0:03:53 | 0:03:56 | |
by some of the top arses in the British arse industry today. | 0:03:56 | 0:03:59 | |
Guaranteed. | 0:03:59 | 0:04:01 | |
Ciderson's Cut Aboot The Hoose range, | 0:04:01 | 0:04:03 | |
we care about making sure you look like you don't. | 0:04:03 | 0:04:06 | |
BELL CHIMES | 0:04:08 | 0:04:10 | |
Aye? | 0:04:12 | 0:04:13 | |
It says you've got the world's first interactive ice-cream van? | 0:04:13 | 0:04:17 | |
Aye. | 0:04:17 | 0:04:18 | |
I downloaded the app. | 0:04:18 | 0:04:20 | |
HE SIGHS | 0:04:20 | 0:04:22 | |
So what do I do, mate? | 0:04:22 | 0:04:23 | |
Right, well, you make the wee man | 0:04:23 | 0:04:27 | |
on the wee van on that move about, | 0:04:27 | 0:04:30 | |
and this app suit makes me move about on the real van. | 0:04:30 | 0:04:37 | |
Calm doon. Calm doon, mate, before you break my arms! | 0:04:41 | 0:04:45 | |
Right, nice and steady. | 0:04:58 | 0:05:00 | |
I'm losing signal here, pal. | 0:05:08 | 0:05:10 | |
Right... | 0:05:14 | 0:05:17 | |
No, mate, that's not what it's for, mate. | 0:05:17 | 0:05:19 | |
Come on, mate! | 0:05:23 | 0:05:26 | |
I want flying saucers and strawberry shoelaces, mate. | 0:05:26 | 0:05:28 | |
Ye can have a Mars bar. | 0:05:37 | 0:05:39 | |
70 pence. | 0:05:44 | 0:05:45 | |
Ye no' want the money, mate? Here... | 0:05:46 | 0:05:49 | |
If ye don't want the money, mate, I'll keep it. | 0:05:51 | 0:05:54 | |
Listen, ye bag o' fannies, I am going to stick one on your chin! | 0:05:57 | 0:06:01 | |
Oof! | 0:06:01 | 0:06:02 | |
Hello! Crank a lanky in the ladies' lum, it's Harry MacLowderie! | 0:06:11 | 0:06:18 | |
# All alang the way | 0:06:20 | 0:06:22 | |
# And awa' alang the way | 0:06:22 | 0:06:23 | |
# And all alang the way | 0:06:23 | 0:06:25 | |
# Ye hear a moaning sound | 0:06:25 | 0:06:26 | |
# Cos awa' and awa' and the laddies are awa' | 0:06:26 | 0:06:29 | |
# Cos apparently, Rihanna's had the phone pics hacked. # | 0:06:29 | 0:06:33 | |
Hey, baby! | 0:06:36 | 0:06:38 | |
Hey, baby, baby! | 0:06:40 | 0:06:42 | |
Hey, baby, baby, baby! | 0:06:44 | 0:06:47 | |
Da'! | 0:06:50 | 0:06:51 | |
WOMAN ON TV GASPS | 0:06:55 | 0:06:56 | |
HE TUTS AND SIGHS | 0:06:56 | 0:07:00 | |
What? | 0:07:02 | 0:07:04 | |
Gasping, mate. I hate it when people gasp in films. A lot of shegite, man. | 0:07:04 | 0:07:10 | |
That's it spoilt for me now. | 0:07:10 | 0:07:12 | |
Is that no' a wee bit extreme, mate? | 0:07:12 | 0:07:15 | |
Who gasps in real life, mate? | 0:07:15 | 0:07:17 | |
Wouldn't even know where to get started with that gasping shite. | 0:07:17 | 0:07:22 | |
Ah! Ah! | 0:07:22 | 0:07:24 | |
You think you're going to suddenly decide to gasp one day, | 0:07:27 | 0:07:29 | |
and it's going to come out sounding perfect first time? | 0:07:29 | 0:07:32 | |
What you going on about? | 0:07:33 | 0:07:36 | |
I gasp, mate. All right? I gasp. | 0:07:36 | 0:07:39 | |
HE SCOFFS Piss off! | 0:07:39 | 0:07:41 | |
I'm a renowned gasper, mate. | 0:07:41 | 0:07:42 | |
Mad Frankie, the Gasper, they call me. | 0:07:42 | 0:07:45 | |
When do you gasp? | 0:07:45 | 0:07:46 | |
When I'm startled. | 0:07:47 | 0:07:48 | |
Right. Show us your gasp, then. | 0:07:48 | 0:07:52 | |
HE GASPS | 0:07:53 | 0:07:55 | |
See? Think you're just born wi' gasping skills like that? | 0:07:55 | 0:07:59 | |
That was no better than my gasp. | 0:07:59 | 0:08:02 | |
HE GASPS | 0:08:02 | 0:08:03 | |
You're only saying that because your ear isn't tuned | 0:08:03 | 0:08:06 | |
to pick up the subtleties in my gasp, all right? | 0:08:06 | 0:08:10 | |
I'm gasping at how bad your gasping is, mate. | 0:08:10 | 0:08:12 | |
Ah! | 0:08:12 | 0:08:14 | |
Ah! | 0:08:14 | 0:08:16 | |
-Shite. -How is it? | 0:08:16 | 0:08:18 | |
It just sounded exactly the same. | 0:08:18 | 0:08:20 | |
It's not even similar. Listen. | 0:08:20 | 0:08:22 | |
Ah! | 0:08:22 | 0:08:24 | |
Ah! | 0:08:24 | 0:08:25 | |
Ah! | 0:08:25 | 0:08:26 | |
Ah! | 0:08:26 | 0:08:28 | |
Garbage. I've practised for years to get this good, mate. | 0:08:28 | 0:08:31 | |
Three hours a day, every day, including Christmas Day. | 0:08:31 | 0:08:35 | |
How do you practise gasping? | 0:08:35 | 0:08:37 | |
You want me to tell you? | 0:08:38 | 0:08:39 | |
First of all, you start off with a series of ten sprint gasps, right? | 0:08:39 | 0:08:45 | |
HE GASPS QUICKLY TEN TIMES | 0:08:45 | 0:08:49 | |
HE IMITATES BADLY | 0:08:52 | 0:08:54 | |
Calm down, mate. | 0:08:54 | 0:08:55 | |
You're like a wee guy having sex for the first time, | 0:08:55 | 0:08:58 | |
shagging too fast. | 0:08:58 | 0:09:00 | |
Then it's 20 minutes of slow gasping, right? | 0:09:00 | 0:09:04 | |
HE GASPS SLOWLY | 0:09:05 | 0:09:06 | |
HE IMITATES POORLY | 0:09:11 | 0:09:14 | |
Right, I'm only going to say this to you because you're my mate, right? | 0:09:17 | 0:09:20 | |
Gasping is not for you, pal. | 0:09:20 | 0:09:23 | |
You're dross. | 0:09:23 | 0:09:24 | |
D'you know what? You can piss off, mate, right? | 0:09:28 | 0:09:31 | |
Here's what I think, right? | 0:09:31 | 0:09:33 | |
You tried a wee bit of gasping, | 0:09:33 | 0:09:35 | |
learned a wee bit of the lingo, and noo, you're trying to pass | 0:09:35 | 0:09:39 | |
yersel' off as some kind of gasping sensei, or something. | 0:09:39 | 0:09:44 | |
Well, I don't need to be a sensei. | 0:09:44 | 0:09:45 | |
You know, your gasping wouldn't look out of place | 0:09:45 | 0:09:49 | |
on a bit of smeared bog roll, mate. | 0:09:49 | 0:09:50 | |
PROLONGED GASP | 0:09:54 | 0:09:58 | |
How do you get God to speak to you so directly, Father Mackenzie? | 0:10:12 | 0:10:16 | |
Well, you see, I used to be like you. | 0:10:18 | 0:10:20 | |
Always being nice to God, bumming Him up. | 0:10:20 | 0:10:23 | |
"Oh, God, you are so good. Oh, God, you are so great." All that patter. | 0:10:23 | 0:10:28 | |
And is that wrong? | 0:10:28 | 0:10:30 | |
He doesnae like all that praise. It makes him hit a beamer. | 0:10:30 | 0:10:34 | |
One night, I was praying and I heard Him talk to me. | 0:10:35 | 0:10:39 | |
And what did He say? | 0:10:39 | 0:10:41 | |
He said, in His wisdom, that He liked - His words - | 0:10:41 | 0:10:46 | |
"Getting slagged a belter | 0:10:46 | 0:10:47 | |
"like a spotty junior apprentice on a building site." | 0:10:47 | 0:10:50 | |
So that's what I dae. Here, watch this... | 0:10:50 | 0:10:53 | |
Aw, look at all this dust! | 0:10:55 | 0:10:58 | |
Whoever's hoose this is - God's hoose - keeps a right dirty hoose! | 0:10:58 | 0:11:04 | |
'Aye, very funny. Is that the best you've got, Mackenzie, you pie? | 0:11:04 | 0:11:09 | |
'You know why the women you work with are called a nun? | 0:11:09 | 0:11:11 | |
'Because that's how many think you're good looking, mate - none!' | 0:11:11 | 0:11:14 | |
Oh, aye, cos you're dead handsome, aren't you?! | 0:11:16 | 0:11:18 | |
What's that look you're going for? Kenny Rogers in a homeless hostel?! | 0:11:18 | 0:11:23 | |
'It took me seven days to create the world, Mackenzie, | 0:11:23 | 0:11:26 | |
'but I could create | 0:11:26 | 0:11:27 | |
'a wee aneurism in your brain as fast as squeezing out a fart!' | 0:11:27 | 0:11:30 | |
Some banter fae the Big Man! | 0:11:30 | 0:11:32 | |
All right? You might know somebody like me. | 0:11:38 | 0:11:41 | |
In every single photie I've ever had taken of me, | 0:11:41 | 0:11:44 | |
I always dae an old double bird. | 0:11:44 | 0:11:47 | |
Every single photie, man. C'mon, take a look. | 0:11:47 | 0:11:49 | |
There's me when I was on holiday in Spain. | 0:11:52 | 0:11:55 | |
There's me when I was in Afghanistan. | 0:11:57 | 0:12:01 | |
Aw, there's me on my wedding day. | 0:12:01 | 0:12:03 | |
There's me when my wee baby boy was born. | 0:12:03 | 0:12:07 | |
There's me getting my medal fae the Queen. | 0:12:07 | 0:12:10 | |
There's me when I was nine. | 0:12:11 | 0:12:14 | |
Aw! And there's me when I was five. | 0:12:14 | 0:12:17 | |
Och, and there's my wee mammy before I was born. | 0:12:17 | 0:12:21 | |
That's me in my mammy's belly. | 0:12:21 | 0:12:24 | |
It's magic, the old double bird. Try it yourself. See you later! | 0:12:25 | 0:12:29 | |
BELLS CHIME | 0:12:32 | 0:12:34 | |
There we are. Do you want some...? | 0:12:42 | 0:12:45 | |
Ya pair of wee bastards! | 0:12:54 | 0:12:55 | |
This is lovely. | 0:13:02 | 0:13:04 | |
Amazing. | 0:13:04 | 0:13:05 | |
You know, when your friends set you up on a blind date, | 0:13:05 | 0:13:09 | |
you certainly don't expect to meet someone so gorgeous. | 0:13:09 | 0:13:14 | |
I just hope you're not disappointed yourself. | 0:13:14 | 0:13:17 | |
I'm swallowing it, but the cheese hasn't broke. | 0:13:46 | 0:13:49 | |
HE GAGS | 0:13:50 | 0:13:52 | |
So, taxi back to yours? | 0:14:33 | 0:14:36 | |
Hiya. | 0:14:42 | 0:14:44 | |
Thanks for buying our instructional video - How To Punch A Guy. | 0:14:44 | 0:14:48 | |
Now, in this first lesson, | 0:14:50 | 0:14:52 | |
I'm going to be showing you the famous crab punch. | 0:14:52 | 0:14:55 | |
This is my brother-in-law, Gardo. | 0:14:55 | 0:14:58 | |
-Hiya. -Huh! | 0:15:00 | 0:15:02 | |
-Are you ready, Gardo? -Aye. Punch away. -Now, here is your stance. | 0:15:02 | 0:15:06 | |
This is called crab stance. | 0:15:08 | 0:15:11 | |
It's named after a kind of fish, a crab. | 0:15:11 | 0:15:13 | |
You get the full movement in crab stance. | 0:15:13 | 0:15:15 | |
And now, the punch. | 0:15:18 | 0:15:20 | |
Now, this next punch is legendary... Huh! | 0:15:25 | 0:15:28 | |
-An iconic skelp. -Huh! | 0:15:28 | 0:15:30 | |
This is the traditional Burnistoun timetrap punch. Ready, Gardo? | 0:15:30 | 0:15:35 | |
Ready. | 0:15:35 | 0:15:37 | |
The textbook Burnistoun timetrap wi' a patter flourish. | 0:15:37 | 0:15:42 | |
HE INHALES | 0:15:42 | 0:15:45 | |
What's the time, Gardo? | 0:15:45 | 0:15:46 | |
It's... | 0:15:46 | 0:15:49 | |
It's time you stopped punching yersel', mate. | 0:15:49 | 0:15:51 | |
Let's take a look at that in slow motion. | 0:15:51 | 0:15:54 | |
Now, a couple of guys got killed doing the Burnistoun timetrap, | 0:15:58 | 0:16:03 | |
so please, please, please, don't try this at home, right, kids? | 0:16:03 | 0:16:07 | |
See, when I was a wee guy, Peter, | 0:16:16 | 0:16:21 | |
I used to think that maybe all this was just my imagination. | 0:16:21 | 0:16:25 | |
All what? | 0:16:25 | 0:16:26 | |
Everything. The world, man. Everything. | 0:16:26 | 0:16:30 | |
That was stupid, wasn't it? | 0:16:30 | 0:16:33 | |
Thing is, but... | 0:16:34 | 0:16:36 | |
I've never seen any proof that it isnae. | 0:16:36 | 0:16:38 | |
-What? -Where's the proof, Peter? Think about it. | 0:16:40 | 0:16:45 | |
Why would you imagine anything as shite as this? This flat. | 0:16:46 | 0:16:51 | |
Having one pair of scabby trainers to your name! | 0:16:51 | 0:16:54 | |
Are you even real, Peter? | 0:16:54 | 0:16:57 | |
-Think about it. -Aye. I'm real. | 0:16:57 | 0:17:00 | |
Don't get me wrang, sometimes, I wish I wasnae, | 0:17:00 | 0:17:03 | |
but it was giro day today, so today, aye, I'm real. | 0:17:03 | 0:17:06 | |
Are ye, but? Or am I just imagining you saying that? Think about it. | 0:17:06 | 0:17:11 | |
Why are you the one imagining me? Why am I no' imagining you? | 0:17:11 | 0:17:13 | |
Why would you imagine yersel' the way you are, the mess you're in? | 0:17:13 | 0:17:18 | |
I'm a mess? You're worse than me! | 0:17:18 | 0:17:20 | |
I'm happy, but. | 0:17:20 | 0:17:21 | |
I like my life, so I would imagine this, but you're never happy, Peter. | 0:17:21 | 0:17:25 | |
Why would this be your dream? Think about it. | 0:17:25 | 0:17:29 | |
No. No, I'm the real one, if any of us is. | 0:17:29 | 0:17:32 | |
Why are you always in my flat, Peter? | 0:17:33 | 0:17:35 | |
Because you're a lazy bastard, is why. | 0:17:35 | 0:17:38 | |
Aye, I'm lazy. So in this world I imagine, | 0:17:38 | 0:17:43 | |
where would everything that happens to me happen, mate? In my ain hoose. | 0:17:43 | 0:17:47 | |
So that I never need to move off my arse. Think about it. | 0:17:47 | 0:17:50 | |
Right, let's go to my flat the noo, then. | 0:17:50 | 0:17:52 | |
Peter, do you even have a flat? I've never been in it. | 0:17:53 | 0:17:56 | |
That's cos you never come to visit me. | 0:17:56 | 0:17:58 | |
Or because it disnae exist, mate. | 0:17:58 | 0:18:00 | |
Maybe you only exist here, wi' me, nowhere else. | 0:18:00 | 0:18:05 | |
We go for curries, don't we? We go to the pub. | 0:18:05 | 0:18:09 | |
I'm a greedy pie that likes a drink, so I WOULD imagine those places. | 0:18:09 | 0:18:13 | |
That's the universe I'd create, man. | 0:18:13 | 0:18:14 | |
You're just proving my point here, Peter. | 0:18:14 | 0:18:16 | |
There's no proof, Peter, there's nae proof | 0:18:16 | 0:18:19 | |
that you exist anywhere outside...this. | 0:18:19 | 0:18:22 | |
Garbage. | 0:18:22 | 0:18:24 | |
In fact, when I think about it, mate, | 0:18:26 | 0:18:29 | |
I've never seen you anywhere without me being there. | 0:18:29 | 0:18:32 | |
How could you, mate? How could you?! | 0:18:32 | 0:18:34 | |
Is it no' weird, Peter? Is that no' weird? Think about it. | 0:18:34 | 0:18:39 | |
You think about it. How could you see me if you're no' actually there? | 0:18:39 | 0:18:42 | |
You'd have to be there to see me, wouldn't you? | 0:18:42 | 0:18:45 | |
Or maybe I'd have to be there to imagine you being there, mate. | 0:18:45 | 0:18:48 | |
Think about it. | 0:18:48 | 0:18:49 | |
HE SIGHS I'm away. | 0:18:49 | 0:18:52 | |
Where're you off to, mate? | 0:18:54 | 0:18:56 | |
Hame. | 0:18:56 | 0:18:58 | |
Aye, that's where I imagined you'd be going. | 0:18:58 | 0:19:01 | |
Do you think maybe I could try | 0:19:17 | 0:19:19 | |
-speaking to God, Father Mackenzie? -The way I speak to Him, you mean? | 0:19:19 | 0:19:24 | |
Aye. | 0:19:24 | 0:19:26 | |
I don't know, son. He'll tie you in knots wi' His patter, I think. | 0:19:26 | 0:19:30 | |
-What are your slaggings like? -All right, I think. | 0:19:30 | 0:19:34 | |
All right, geez' a sec. | 0:19:35 | 0:19:37 | |
Ho, bawheid! | 0:19:37 | 0:19:40 | |
'You talking to me, Mackenzie?' | 0:19:40 | 0:19:43 | |
This boy here wants a word with you. | 0:19:43 | 0:19:45 | |
-On ye go, son. -Aye. | 0:19:45 | 0:19:48 | |
You're a big dafty! So ye are. | 0:19:52 | 0:19:55 | |
'Is that it? If human patter's that garbage, I should have covered Adam's mooth | 0:19:56 | 0:20:00 | |
'with a fig leaf, instead of his willy! | 0:20:00 | 0:20:02 | |
'I should smite you the noo, wee man.' | 0:20:02 | 0:20:04 | |
Aw, shut up, ye smitehawk! | 0:20:04 | 0:20:06 | |
'Right, that's it, I'm coming doon!' | 0:20:06 | 0:20:09 | |
He willnae. He's bluffing. | 0:20:11 | 0:20:13 | |
Smitehawk, is it?! | 0:20:20 | 0:20:22 | |
I'm the guy that helped Moses part the Red Sea. | 0:20:23 | 0:20:27 | |
-You think I cannae help this sandal part yer arse cheeks?! -Ha-ha! Yes! | 0:20:27 | 0:20:31 | |
Ye want to rumble, Mackenzie? | 0:20:31 | 0:20:32 | |
Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth, haw maw for a haw maw? | 0:20:32 | 0:20:35 | |
A square go, seriously! | 0:20:35 | 0:20:37 | |
Bah! I'm only ribbin' ye! | 0:20:39 | 0:20:42 | |
That's no' why I'm doon. I'm doon for another reason. | 0:20:42 | 0:20:44 | |
Oh, aye, what's that? | 0:20:44 | 0:20:46 | |
It's your time, Mackenzie. I'm sorry. I'm doon here to fetch you. | 0:20:47 | 0:20:53 | |
Ha! Yeah... | 0:20:53 | 0:20:55 | |
Come on. We can still have good patter up there, eh? | 0:20:59 | 0:21:02 | |
A wee heart attack and away we go. | 0:21:02 | 0:21:05 | |
Aye... Aye, I suppose. | 0:21:07 | 0:21:10 | |
-HE LAUGHS HEARTILY -I got you a belter! | 0:21:10 | 0:21:13 | |
-Oh, ya shite, ye! -You should have seen your face there! | 0:21:13 | 0:21:17 | |
You looked like my boy when he found out what his job doon here was! | 0:21:17 | 0:21:20 | |
Best one ever! | 0:21:20 | 0:21:22 | |
You stick in at this, son. You're doin' a good job. | 0:21:22 | 0:21:25 | |
My love be with you, and all that patter! | 0:21:25 | 0:21:28 | |
So long, suckers! | 0:21:28 | 0:21:30 | |
Aw, some banter fae the Big Man! | 0:21:33 | 0:21:36 | |
There are 3-5-2 formations and there are 3-5-2 formations. | 0:21:44 | 0:21:49 | |
And then there's me! | 0:21:49 | 0:21:52 | |
I've got a hole in the armpit of this sweater. | 0:21:58 | 0:22:01 | |
Go get changed, then. | 0:22:01 | 0:22:03 | |
I'll be fine. | 0:22:03 | 0:22:04 | |
You'd better not lift that arm today and embarrass me! | 0:22:04 | 0:22:08 | |
-Och, I need to go. -I mean it. | 0:22:08 | 0:22:10 | |
You lift that arm even once and there'll be nae nookie the night! | 0:22:10 | 0:22:14 | |
Suspect matches the description. | 0:22:20 | 0:22:23 | |
-But that's no' me. -Arms in the air! | 0:22:23 | 0:22:24 | |
-I... -Hands up! | 0:22:24 | 0:22:26 | |
-No, boys... -Arms in the air now! -I cannae... | 0:22:26 | 0:22:29 | |
GUNSHOT | 0:22:29 | 0:22:30 | |
A guy needs his nookie. | 0:22:32 | 0:22:35 | |
Here, boys, boys. | 0:22:50 | 0:22:52 | |
-You all right, man? -How's it going there, man? | 0:22:52 | 0:22:54 | |
I've thought up a new song for today. | 0:22:54 | 0:22:57 | |
-Oh, here we go. -What now? | 0:22:57 | 0:22:59 | |
When the other mob's bus is leaving, we sing this... | 0:22:59 | 0:23:02 | |
# Drive safely! | 0:23:04 | 0:23:07 | |
# Drive safely! | 0:23:07 | 0:23:10 | |
# It's only a game | 0:23:10 | 0:23:13 | |
# We want you all hame | 0:23:13 | 0:23:15 | |
# Safe and sound... # | 0:23:15 | 0:23:16 | |
Terrible. | 0:23:17 | 0:23:18 | |
Terrible, Tommy. | 0:23:18 | 0:23:20 | |
# ..To find us in bed wi' your dug! # | 0:23:20 | 0:23:23 | |
What?! | 0:23:23 | 0:23:25 | |
# To find us in bed wi' your da'! # | 0:23:25 | 0:23:28 | |
What?! | 0:23:28 | 0:23:30 | |
# To find us in bed wi' your bird! # | 0:23:30 | 0:23:32 | |
YES! | 0:23:32 | 0:23:34 | |
It's fantastic to see, especially if you get up close. You can... | 0:23:38 | 0:23:41 | |
I'm sorry, I hate that I keep pushing you back like that, | 0:23:41 | 0:23:44 | |
but you have to understand that we only move these models | 0:23:44 | 0:23:48 | |
a fraction of an inch at a time. | 0:23:48 | 0:23:51 | |
If you were to bump one, even just move an arm a little tiny bit, | 0:23:51 | 0:23:56 | |
it would be a total catastrophe for us. | 0:23:56 | 0:23:59 | |
Oh, no, of course, of course. I'm sorry. | 0:23:59 | 0:24:01 | |
DOOR OPENS | 0:24:01 | 0:24:03 | |
Can I help you? | 0:24:05 | 0:24:07 | |
I think I'm in the wrong studio here, son. | 0:24:07 | 0:24:10 | |
My name's Biscuity Boyle, Burnistoun's favourite son, | 0:24:10 | 0:24:13 | |
I'm getting interviewed for that Legends of Sport thing, | 0:24:13 | 0:24:16 | |
but I got lost on the way back fae the toilet there. | 0:24:16 | 0:24:19 | |
Oh, here, that's that wee rabbit fella and his wee carrot pal. | 0:24:19 | 0:24:23 | |
There's a wee lassie stays next door to me, she's mad about this pair. | 0:24:23 | 0:24:26 | |
I'd nae idea youse... | 0:24:26 | 0:24:27 | |
HE GROANS | 0:24:29 | 0:24:31 | |
Oh, Mammy-Daddy! Oh, Mammy-Daddy! | 0:24:31 | 0:24:35 | |
Oh, in front of a camera as well. | 0:24:35 | 0:24:39 | |
Captured for posteriery. | 0:24:39 | 0:24:41 | |
HE BREAKS WIND | 0:24:42 | 0:24:44 | |
Betrayal by back passage. Oh... | 0:24:47 | 0:24:50 | |
The pressure on my abdomen there, | 0:24:50 | 0:24:54 | |
I think I've maybe urilated on your wee rabbit's carpet a bit. | 0:24:54 | 0:24:57 | |
Listen, I'll make myself scarce. | 0:24:57 | 0:25:01 | |
That's textbook, that, incidentally, old trousers taunting me. | 0:25:03 | 0:25:08 | |
-CRACKING -Oh! | 0:25:08 | 0:25:10 | |
My knee's locked! | 0:25:10 | 0:25:13 | |
Used to be champion knees, these. Et tu, Brute? | 0:25:13 | 0:25:16 | |
I'm going here... | 0:25:16 | 0:25:19 | |
I wasnae always like this, son, I used to be an athlete. | 0:25:22 | 0:25:26 | |
Look at me now, rolling about, destroying a wee hoose | 0:25:26 | 0:25:30 | |
like a geriatric pishy Godzilla. | 0:25:30 | 0:25:35 | |
Where's Mr Carrot? | 0:25:48 | 0:25:50 | |
Where's Mr Carrot?! | 0:25:52 | 0:25:53 | |
Calm, calm, calm doon, son. I'm sure he's... | 0:25:53 | 0:25:56 | |
Hold on here. Either my Jeremy's went numb again or... | 0:25:56 | 0:25:59 | |
Mr Carrot's in my trousers. | 0:25:59 | 0:26:01 | |
Aye, there he is, there's the wee fellow. Out ye come, pal. | 0:26:03 | 0:26:06 | |
There he is, there. | 0:26:06 | 0:26:09 | |
Oh, here, I'll put that away. | 0:26:09 | 0:26:10 | |
Oh, that's odd, that. | 0:26:13 | 0:26:15 | |
That normally only goes numb | 0:26:15 | 0:26:17 | |
right before I've had one of them blackouts... | 0:26:17 | 0:26:19 | |
When this scum planted the bomb that killed our men, | 0:26:30 | 0:26:35 | |
they thought they had destroyed this investigation. | 0:26:35 | 0:26:38 | |
But little did they know that we still have this. | 0:26:38 | 0:26:41 | |
Everything our team was working on for months. | 0:26:41 | 0:26:46 | |
Every player and, mair importantly, who's connected to who. | 0:26:46 | 0:26:52 | |
Now, this might be a mystery to all of us right now, | 0:26:52 | 0:26:55 | |
but we, we will... | 0:26:55 | 0:26:57 | |
we will not leave this room the night | 0:26:57 | 0:27:00 | |
until we have worked this out, joined the dots, | 0:27:00 | 0:27:03 | |
and are able to pick up this investigation where it left aff | 0:27:03 | 0:27:06 | |
and finally put these bastards away! | 0:27:06 | 0:27:11 | |
Come on, I'll just take youse all to the pictures, come on. | 0:27:17 | 0:27:20 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:27:33 | 0:27:36 |