Episode 3 Burnistoun

Contains adult humour.

There now follows a party political broadcast

from the Conservative Party.

Good evening.

In light of the recent economic downturn,

I felt it was important that I address some of the concerns

that you may have about what this means for you as an individual,

for your family and for the British people as a whole.

Over the last couple of...

SCREAMING

HE LAUGHS

Ya ha ha ha, oh, got you, got you good.

Classic.

Classic.

Over the last couple of...

What's the new alarm clock for?

It's this new speaking alarm clock.

You record your ain voice in it, right,

and then it talks you awake in the morning.

It's like your ain mind talking to you.

Aw, cool.

I've set it for six.

It's an early start for me tomorrow.

'Mate. Mate. Mate!'

Who is that?

'It's me. Alarm clock. You asleep?'

I'm no' noo. What is it?

'Nothing. Just checking.'

Sake!

'Mate. Mate.'

What?

'What do you think happens when you die?'

I don't know, do I? I'm trying to sleep.

'Do you think alarm clocks go to Heaven, mate?'

Aye, probably. Do you want to shut up?

'Sorry, mate.'

Unbelievable.

'Mate. Mate. Mate. Big man.

'Mate!'

What now?

'Do you think there's life on other planets?'

I don't know. I'm just a roofer.

I'm just a guy who works up the roofs.

'I'm just asking.

'I was just thinking about space and that there.'

I'm a roofer who is up they roofs at six tomorrow.

Do you want to shut up?

'Sake. Calm doon. Sorry.

'Sake. Grumpy.'

'Aw no, aw no, get up mate, get up!

'I slept in mate, it's hauf eleven.

'Sorry, mate, slept in.

'Slept in.

'I was up all night thinking about a lot of shite as per.'

All right? I'm Johnny Boy John.

Johnny Boy John eatin' pakora is for real.

Johnny Boy John shovin' a bit of pakora down his maw's old tights

and using them as a punch bag is for real.

Johnny Boy John wearin' his dad's pants on his heid

and eatin' pakora sauce oot of a chocolate fountain is for real.

Saucy pant-muncher!

Johnny Boy John stuffin' a chocolate fountain down his Uncle Danny's Speedos

and telling Joe Calzaghe that his dad smokes roll-ups is for real!

I'm no' trying to take away from your achievements

but my old man's been puffin' on the roll-ups for 40 year noo.

Pakora, pakora, pakora. Oi, deal with it, Calzaghe

Oi, Calzaghe, you'd better learn how to deal with Johnny Boy John.

For real!

Professor Brian Cox, the actor Brian Cox,

a guy from up my Uncle Nubby's bit called Brian Cox who got

jailed for trying to shove cocodamol up a copper's nostril.

You think being called Brian Cox makes

you as real as Johnny Boy John?

Get real!

You should meet my mate Gordy, you'd love him. Gordy!

Asleep already and after only one can.

BOTH: What a Wan Can Dan, man!

Are you a Wan Can Dan?

Then you need Alex Ciderson's mini can.

We've split wan can across 21 tiny cans

so nobody can ever call you a Wan Can Dan ever again.

You should meet my mate Gordy, you'd love him.

Mmm, I'd only love him if he's a right good boozer.

This is my 15th can of the night.

Take me!

Thanks, Alex. She thinks I'm a proper alky.

Wan Can Dan? No Can Do!

Please drink responsibly.

No more than 65 cans a night.

There are dogs with waggly tails and there are dogs with waggly tails.

And then there's me.

So, Mr Comely, I hope you've been satisfied in your dealings

with Teddy Thomson Taxidermy.

Hopefully your next dog won't be such a fan of sunbeds.

Are you going to show me Jessie before you go?

Well, it can be an emotional moment.

We find it's best if we are miles away by the time it happens.

Show me the work before you go.

Right.

There you are.

I'll leave you to get on with your grieving and your grooving.

Can I see the whole lot?

Right, of course. Of course.

HE SCREAMS

That's all right. Just a sparrow.

Are you quite happy with that then?

I still haven't seen it.

Mate, you're acting like you've got something to hide. Show me it.

What the hell was that?

Show me thae legs.

No yours. Jesse's.

He's got cat's legs.

Aye, see, that's the oils and stuff that we use.

They can make a leg look a bit catty.

A bit catty? My dug has got cat legs.

What are you saying? You'd have preferred we gave him cow's legs?

No, I would have preferred you left his ain legs attached.

I'll be honest with you, mate.

We did stuff you dog the normal way - ain legs, the lot.

Put him in the lorry with a bunch of other animals for delivery...

What happened?

The driver had an improbable flashback to Vietnam

and hit a lorry at a level crossing.

-Bang!

-Hit by a train?

Helicopter. Hell of a mess. Animal body parts everywhere.

I mean, we managed to find most of the pieces

but there was no way to tell what part went with what.

You cannae tell apart a dog's leg and a cat's leg?

All legs look much the same when you're drunk, mate.

Mebbe you shouldn't have been drunk.

Everybody's got Catch 22 vision in hindsight.

I don't want my beloved dog having cat's legs or a rabbit's teeth

or a wasp's foreskin or a pig's arse.

Oh.

Why are you saying, "Oh"?

Do you have anything to say?

You'd dae well at Crufts with that thing.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Open up, it's the polis.

It's the government's mad squad, know that way?

Evening, sir. My name's Officer McGregor of the polis carry-on.

This is Officer Toshan.

I'm a polis an' all, sure I am, McGregor?

I think he'll have sussed that for hissel'. Or do you think

he mebbe thought it was me taking my boy round the doors for Halloween?

What have I told you?

Quality polis all the way. Keep the geggy clamped.

What's this about?

We've had reports of a mad party happening in here.

Party? I've got a few friends round. Has there been a complaint?

Could pure hear you blasting your music out the windae, man.

Bit of Go West, bit of Call Me. I was like that...

# Call me, call me... #

Doing that dance he did.

HE SINGS

Never you mind Go West, right? You should go wheesht.

Can you keep the noise down? My man's sleeping.

Can YOU keep the noise down, hen?

We're aboot to make a major arrest here.

Guy's a pure junkie and all that, know the way?

We're the polis.

We can make as much noise as we want.

THEY CHANT AND WHISTLE

So just you get yersel' back in there.

Hang on, I'm no a junkie.

You firing into that neighbour, huh? She's a wee honey.

A wee darling. Looks like Boy George or something.

Boy George?

-Aye, when she was young, I mean, obviously.

-What is all this?

Listen. We've heard you're having a party and since we're off duty

in about seven hours, we thought we'd bring some cans and that.

Got a munchy box an' all, in case you've got any Class Bs on the go.

What? You're saying you want to come in?

Aye.

It's no really a choice, in't it no, McGregor?

It's kinda the law, in't it, Toshan?

Aye, aye, come in. Why not? Plenty of room.

Boys! In yous come.

Mark's bringing his new bird here tonight.

Oh, aye? That'll be interesting.

DOOR OPENS

Right, boys? Let me introduce you to Vanessa.

-Vanessa de Tiali. Hello.

-ECHOING: Pleased... Pleased...

Sorry, I think my hearing's went funny.

That's not fair. Not fair!

S-S-S... Ma stutter's came back.

You should see the thing I married.

Can I get you a drink?

Mm. I would love one.

I cannae get my tongue back in.

I need to sit down.

Let me get you a chair.

THUDDING

My pacemaker!

How did yous two meet?

Oh, never mind that.

At Mark's work, at the Benefits Office.

I go there all the time to grass up benefits cheats.

I'm a benefits grass.

Nae accounting for taste, is there?

Hound.

I'm just glad we could finally get this extension started.

Between the planning permission and you being available,

I thought this was never going to happen.

Well, it's full steam ahead from now on.

I'm so glad.

-Right, that's us done for the day, hen.

-What do you mean? It's only eight o'clock in the morning.

That's all we can do the noo before the plumber starts his work.

You put down one brick.

See you next week.

I'm surprised they put that brick there.

-That's stopping me fae doing anything the noo.

-It's a brick.

I thought they'd have put it in about half an inch to the left.

Move it then.

Tell you what I could do. I could maybe put a tap in the now.

Right, that's me done for the day.

What's he put that tap there for? That's stopping us from doing anything now.

He says the brick should be half an inch to the left.

You'll need to get the architect to take a look at that.

Right, that's us done for the day.

It's Mrs McIntyre again.

Mrs McIntyre?

Mrs McIntyre?

Mrs McIntyre? I'm afraid he's done for the day.

I'm the electrician. That's me done for the day.

-You have not even set foot in this garden.

-You see that brick?

I was of the understanding that that brick was going to be

a half inch to the left.

I cannae do anything until the glazier's been anyway.

There's a brick and a tap stuck in some grass.

What the hell is a glazier going to do?

There.

Oh, dear, dear, dear.

I wish you hadn't moved that by yourself.

This is a death trap noo, hen.

We're going to have to put our price up now.

That lassie slippered my arse.

-We're going to have to demolish that brick and start again.

-Go then.

Aw, I'd love to, hen, love to, hen, in years gone by mebbe,

but just no insuranced to do that now.

What can you do now, then?

I cannae do anything until he does what he's doing.

And I cannae do anything until he's done doing what he's doing.

I can get a wee bit of what I'm doing done

and once he's done doing that, I can be done doing what I'm doing.

When I'm done doing done and he's doing done doing,

we'll be done doing done da-do-ron-ron-da-do-ron-ron.

Do you know what? I actually know a wee bit about demolishing bricks myself.

LAUGHTER

If I could get you all to hold one of these, thank you very much. Thank you.

And I'll go and make us all a nice wee cup of tea, eh?

Milk and two, thanks.

EXPLOSION

NOOBSLAYER666 says hello. NOOBSLAYER666 says hello.

Bullet in the head, preeeek.

Bullet in the head, preeeek.

Who you talking to?

I'm playing online, Da'.

Why are you speaking to people like that?

Because I'm the best, all right, and they need to know.

You sound like a pain in the arse.

Whooo. NOOBSLAYER666 just put a bullet to your head, preeeeek.

You shoot like a girl.

20 kill streaker, I'm just on. I'm no' even set up. I'm eating crisps. 21, kill streak, preek!

22, kill streak, preek... Da'!

Hello there. This is NOOBSLAYER666's faither here.

Just to let yous all know that he might have a 22 kill streak,

but he's lucky if he's got four pubes to his name.

Bullet to the head, prick.

Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe.

Have you noticed anything?

Naw. What?

-Is that lassies' chocolate?

-Are we buying lassies' chocolate?

We better no' be stauning here wi' lassies' chocolate like a couple of chocolate-loving lassies.

'SCUSE ME! Is that lassies' chocolate?

-What?

-The truth! We want the truth.

-Is that lassies' chocolate?

-No. It's just chocolate.

-It's all that patter, but.

-What patter?

"Better than sex." Is it all that patter? Is it lassies' chocolate?

Is it better than an orgasm, eating this chocolate?

Is it all that patter?

Do we look like we prefer eating chocolate to having sex

with our husbands? Do we? Is it all that patter?

Hey, is there a problem here?

Aye, mate. Is that lassies' chocolate?

Do we look like a couple of chocolate-loving lassies?

It's just chocolate.

How come there's a lassie buying that chocolate and us?

We cannae all prefer chocolate to sex, mate.

It can't all just be coincidence to prefer eating

bars of chocolate to making love to your husbands, mate.

Is that lassies' chocolate?

Is this a lassies' shop?

Is going into a shop a lassies' thing?

Is having a husband a lassies' thing?

Is it all that patter?

-Up the road.

-Up the road, Joe.

Up the road. Up the road, Joe.

-Here, boys. Boys.

-Tommy.

I've made up a new song for the day.

-Aw naw.

-What now?

See when the other mob tackles oor lot, we sing this...

# Please be careful with those legs You could hurt our friends

# Don't be nasty Live a good life. #

That's dire.

Dire, Tommy.

# And we pumped your wife. #

ENTHUSIASTIC CHEERS

Sake. What's going on down there, you clarty bastard?

It's nothing like that, mate.

Well, what is it then?

It's because I'm shaved down there, know what I mean?

Sorry, you'll need to repeat that. I didn't hear it

because I've got a man's ears.

See when you're like perfectly smooth down there, gets pretty itchy

when the hair starts to grow back.

Are you joking? Are you sitting there, bold as brass, with a pair of smooth baws?

All the guys have got them shaved these days. It's not my fault you're out of touch.

I don't want to be in touch

if it involves taking a razor to my haw-maws.

Well, the women love it, mate, so it's your loss.

I don't want to be with a woman that likes a guy with nae pubes.

There's a name for a woman like that.

Aye, mate, there's a phone number for a woman like that an' aw,

and I've got it in here.

How many phone numbers you got on your phone, Peter?

I'm no shaving my pubes.

Well, the world's changed, Peter.

It's time you changed with it, hairy sacks.

-What you daein'?

-Just checking.

Looks like you've got Susan Boyle's heid living down there.

That's it. You crossed a line there.

Makes your willy look bigger an' aw, so it does.

Huh?

The balder the giraffe, mate, the longer the neck. Fact.

-Do you need blades or will an electric razor do?

-Blades, mate.

Buck's sake, man

-You spilled my pint, mate?

-Look...

You know what's happening.

Wait a minute. Let me get my stuntman in. You all right, Vince?

I'm no' waiting.

Right, you finished? Come on, Vince.

Boys, hold that stuntman.

Right, that's us noo. Come on, Vince.

Boys, throw that stuntman out of here.

Noo, I'm punching you.

Hey, that's plenty. Come on, Vince.

Just you.

Cash machines are rare, aren't they, son?

Aye, Da'.

They werenae always like this.

See back in my day, they were very different.

Very different indeed.

What do you mean?

'Hello? What d'ye want?'

Is this the cash machine?

'Aye. What is it?'

Can I lift some of my money?

'What for?'

I'm going up the dancing the night.

-'How much?'

-20 quid.

-'20 quid?!'

-Aye.

'Sake. Putting you on hold.'

-You the guy that wants 20 quid?

-Aye.

Haun oot.

Fiver. 10, 11, 12.

-This for going to the dancing you say?

-Aye.

20 quid frittered away on drink. Shocking.

13, 14, 15.

-Who's going?

-Me and my mates.

16, 17,

17.10, 17.20. 17.30, 17.40.

-I'm short.

-I'm wanting 20.

-That'll do you.

-But I need...

That'll dae ye.

-Hello?

-'That'll dae ye.'

-That sounds terrible, Da'.

-It was, son. The past was garbage.

Never forget that right, it was garbage.

I've run out of bog roll. I think my fish supper

from last night's still in the bath.

Just use the paper fae that, if that's what you're needing.

It isnae.

Aye, man, see since I started shaving old stovies, havenae looked back.

No point being a caveman if the women want a cavalier, know what I mean? That's my motto.

Get in on the slick stovies act, man.

You'll soon be having the same success with the women as I do.

DOOR CLOSES

Did someone just come in the door there? Peter?

Hello. Take a jock to yer janglies for Harry MacLowdrie.

# The wifies all went dreich

# And the wifies all went wheech

# And the wifies all bent o'er the muslin

# And all the quinies went wheecht

# And went alang the dreecht

# Cos all the lassies fancy Ryan Gosling. #

'Mate, mate, mate. Did you lock the back door, mate?'

Aye. 'You sure, mate? Mate?

'Mate? Mate?'

I locked it.

'Gonnae just double check, mate?

'I'll no be able to sleep for worrying about

'whether or not the back door's locked.

'Last thing you want is somebody coming in your house

'when you're asleep, mate.'

I locked the back door.

Are you sure you locked it?

'Gonnae make sure the oven's switched off while you're up?'

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd