Episode 2 Charlie Brooker's Weekly Wipe

This programme contains some strong I'm Brooker and this is Weekly Wipe

a programme about things that are happening, things like this: The

Tory party has been split over gay marriage. Conservative elders say

it flies in the face of traditional position that marriage should be

between a philanderer and a door mat. Incredible facial

reconstruction technique reveals Richard III reveals Lawrence

Llewwllyn Bowen. In distressing scenes the news captured a knife

wielding man outside Buckingham Palace. The only man more shocked

wi Ian Hislop. He fell on the ground and within a couple of

seconds he was take an way in the police van. And Maria Eagle wins

Splash. -- Eddie "The Eagle" Eagle's victory proved once and

more all even our fittest celebrities are no match for our

shitest Olympian. That's precisely the kind of thing going on. We

start here. For many years numbers were our friends ah, peering on the

shirts of national heroes and starring in hypnotic animation

aimed at babies. But it turns out this was a front

and now we know the ugly truth - numbers may look jolly, but in

reality they're bastards. Recently the Office for National Statistics

proved they are by releasing a set of grim economic numbers. Gross

Domestic Product fell by 0.3% in the fourth quarter of 2012. So grim

they effectively silenced every journalist in the room. Any more

questions? There must be some. Numbers have now knackered the

country so comprehensively the only businesses doing a roaring trade

are shutter manufacturers, window boards salesmen and save graft

designers. That industry is booming they are bassic graphs, no, sir

tallic graphs and ones with a head on them to find light guns at.

Everything costs more these day -- days. Petrol is so expensive you'd

think it was a precious resource. They go up quick enough but they

never come down. If they do, yeah a month later. Never, ever, or a

month later. They're not consistent in never coming back down that's

what devious shits these prices are. Numbers don't convey the human

costs which is why reporters are keen to hear tale of misery. News

night rounded up totally representative people. Does it feel

we're in a triple-dip recession. does. Do you thinks things will

pick up? I've had no spare money. Every bit of money goes on bills.

Elephant suits. What do you do? builder by trade. Indian ar

African? Aan attempt to convey the misery Scai invited business folk

to share their tragedies. Some of the people behind the stories,

good this will be sad. Tell us about your business and how it's

coping right now. We're coping pretty well. We're on the High

Street and the internet. We're doing pretty well actually.

shit, sorry, they must have asked you by mistake.. Tell us about your

business and how your faring right now. Actually last year we probably

had one of the best years we've ever had. Apart from that, how bad

is it? Out of the last six months of the year, five months of those

were best-ever months. All right show off. Let's ask the other bloke.

I concur with the previous comments. We've seen a good upturn in 2012

and our revenues were increased. for (BLEEP) sake. Let's ipbtd view

a hotelier -- interview a hotelier. How's business? It's been amazingly

good. Everyone's a winner. We're doing well. Growth last year on the

bedroom element. On the bedroom element, you do real aisles

Embarrassing Bodies is next door. It's been tough on the High Street

recently. That's why it's curious against the back drop of this, ITV

have offered viewers escapism with a series set in a fantasy world

where people open the shops. Mr Sell fridge is effective Downton

Abbey. It's about Harry Selfridge a born showman and irritant who

managed to create one of London's foremost department stores despite

consisting of hardly anything but a beard and teeth. Why not Bob Comet

and Dick Debenhams? Presumably shell fridges is delighted. It's

name checked every nano second. Good morning Mr Selfridge.

exterior has been faithfully reproduced presumably with CGI and

some string. However inside it's limited to one floor. We might only

ever see one floor but Selfridges has a massive cheese department in

the form of Jeremy Piven. His Mr Selfridge is no mere barrow boy.

More of a barrowman, specifically John Barrowman. We need to put on a

show. He performs the row with the subtle diof a pantomime dame trying

to take attention from a burning building. You love it, don't you,

the customers, the selling, the feeling of merchandise under your

hands? I love it more than anything. It's hard to tell the shop girls

apart, partly because they're always whispering or titering in

the corner and partly because they're styled like they've gone to

a fancy dress wake as a cottage loaf. Everywhere it's Princess

Anneen in mourning. Sometimes there's so many Princess Annes even

they can't tell if they're looking in a mirror. Because it's based on

a real shop, opened bay real man, there's not much real jeopardy. The

opening episode was a nail-biting tale of will he or won't he open

the shop? When you know he did. Then, will he or won't he open the

perfume counter. Which you also know he did. Then we had is he or

isn't he dead. We know he won't be. Still while Mr Selfridge ingests

seenery on ITV, the BBC is shoving viewers into the grisly world of

Ripper Street a sort of CSI Whitechapel set in Victorian London,

a time when men were men, except when they looked like this. It

stars Matthew McFadden. Jerome or robson and Jerome. And an American

as a sort of pathologist come corpse connoisseur who examines the

bodies in the manner of an expert on Antiques Roadshow. You see this

impression in the clafical. Her fingers, worn and puckered by

strings. And her hair, there are heavy deposits in it. Soot. Without

that damage, she would have been worth as much as �3,000. Seriously,

loads of people die in this. It's like Victorians had the life

expectancy of a cocoa pop. Since it comes off the back of Call the

Midwife, it's as if BBC One has decided Sunday night is Women

Screaming Helplessly Night. Lauren Bacall was brilliant. It was a

drama thing about schoolgirls who worked for mad nuns. Their job was

to go into poor people houses and do score sixes on pregnant women.

It's exciting because you see them pulling babies out of women and

meeting all these horrible men. clear out of my home or I'll burn

her and I'll burn her again. That's enough. Those bits are sad, but

then they meet all these really nice babies, which is happy.

babies are really good actors. God knows how they read the scripts.

They must have had to stick it on a mobile for them or something and

wait ages for it to spin round for the right bitd for the baby to

learn what to do, like, oh, I've got to lift my arm at that point,

you know and all that. People have said it's rose tinted, but it isn't,

it's sort of green. Sometimes it's really green. Then, sometimes it's

brown and sometimes it's green and brown. But it isn't pink because

it's on early, so they can't show those bits. Good old fashioned

British televised health care. There what's American televised

health care like? Let's ask an American namely drunk comic Doug

Stanhope. I'm Doug Stanhope and that's why I drink. As I'm sure

you're aware, we don't have a national Health Service here in

America like you do. We either have to pay for it or we have to suck it

up. In the UK they have nationalised health care. We have

300 channels of cable and TV doctors. You have to get the best

you could do. We're choc full of TV doctors doling out all the free

advice you're willing to swallow. Have you ever heard of Dr Phill?

The other day we saw he had an 800- pound guy who made a U tube video

of himself. I'm trying to get some help, a nutritionist, personal

trainer, Dr Phill. "Please help me Dr Phill because I can't get out of

my bed." So there Phill sends an ambulance directly to this poor fat

prick's house and they tow his bed into an oversized ambulance and

they drive him directly to the studios, as any medical

professional would do. Do you Do you really believe that

you can have a normal life in a normal body and a normal health?

Yeah. When they run out of obvious advice like plug up your top hole

fatty, you're eating too much, then they move into junk science. Now we

invent diseases. What you're a horder? Oh, wait that's not a habit,

that is obsessive compulsive disorder and we have an expert here

that can help you with it if you allow them to exploit you on TV for

an hour. I watch horders and I see shit I need. Then we have the

cottage industry of rehab television. You have Dr Drew and

you have addicted and cracking addition, intervention is my

favourite. That's a show that's 58 minutes long of complete

exploitation. It's just watching some poor prick stumble through his

life and get fired from his job and he's shootding up in a bus toilet.

Now he's puking in a trash can and shitting his pants. That's the

first 55 minutes, then they cut to the intervention and that's just

the sad family sitting around reading these sapy letters that

they wrote like hall mark greetings cards. "You didn't show up for

Sheila's bar mitts va, wah". Then they take them to rehab. This is

where it's helpful. They're going to show how to rehabilitate these

people. No, that's the end of the show. Graphic, Bruce hasn't drank

since July 21. If you're trying to help people, you might want to tell

us what the fucking cure is. You skipped over that part entirely.

I'm just saying if you're going to get your medical advice from a TV

doctor, you might as well get the advice from Dr -- Dr Dre or Dr Sues.

That way the bad vice you get will rime.

-- rhyme. Transport and as the news excitedly

showed Prince Charles celebrates 150 years of subterranean hell by

uegz the underground. As far as Charles is concerned an Oyster card

is a credit card someone uses to buy oysters. Here's how you do it,

push your thingy up the round nubin and the flaps open, there you go.

Ease yourself in all the way. Good- o. Not that it was his first time.

ITN explained the last time Charles used the underground was during a

pleb spotting trip in 1979. Whereas the last time Camilla braved the

Tube was their wedding night. They didn't go all the way. Charles only

lasted two minutes before popping off. Well it's understandable

really. Poor bloke hasn't been inside a tunnel for 344 years.

-- 34 years. Technology and the humble

BlackBerry has had it hard with competition and tech problems

denting its popularity to a point where it's own users try to kill it

with hammers. It took about a month of intermittent bashing to actually

break the BlackBerry hand set up. Now the hand set folk were

attempting to revive fortunes with an informative relaunch. They're

replacing their pocket type writers with something that looks like an

iPhone but isn't and another thing that looks like a BlackBerry and is.

Aren't they beautiful? Perhaps most startling of all BlackBerry has a

new global creative director, courtesy of an announcement

straight out of the Celebrity Apprentice. She's breakbury's

creative director. Please welcome Mrs Alicia Keys. Yes Alicia Keys,

they signed her because playing the piano and wearing hats are key

business skills and not because the CEO wanted an excuse to get off

with her on stage. She's actually a big Apple fan. She did a song about

New York. The only thing Alicia Keys has to do with BlackBerry is

she's black and wears a ber yay. You wonder if she's ever going to

I'll see you in the office. Will I am was at MacWall last week when he

was asked questions about technology. What is your favourite

gadget right now? The eye pad mini. He was promoting his own bespoke

gizmo, a $400 accessory that turns the iPhone into a boxier less

ergonomic iPhone. Now, it's locked. It's aimed at people who wished

they had bought a camera in 1978 instead of an iPhone in 2013.

folks who want to text. Who want to text on something other than but

attached to the iPhone they already own. It lights up! He is proud of

his invention. This was in my head in February. Now it's in my hand in

November about to be in stores in December. In landfill sites by

March. Who pay a-- paid attention to Mali last year? Hardly anyone,

myself included. The only people who care about Mali were the French

and the Presidental candidate Mitt Romney who mentioned the country in

his third debate. We want to make sure we are seeing progress

throughout the Middle East with having North Mali being over taken

by al-Qaeda. Only to get laughed at. Extremistes had gained a foothold

there and were making civilian life about as much fun as sitting

through Paddy's TV Guide. The Mallan army tried fighting back.

They seemed under prepared. They were having to train without

ammunition. Someone answer that gun they weren't the best quipped army

in the world. Their uniforms were threadbare and their weapons were

jamming. That is Mali for you. Sky News showed that the extremists

seemed heavily armed with weapons gained during the Libyan uprising.

France responded by sending in troops who took the fight all over

Northern Mali. They sprayed paratroopers over Timbuktu in what

looked like footage from 1943. The onslaught surprised both the

Islamists and people like me who thought Timbuktu was a make-up

region of Narnia or something. The people of Timbuktu were delighted

to be liberated by the French they dressed up in costume for Sky's

cameras, during Alex Crawford into Gok Wan. Look what this man has

done. That is the name of the operation. A big thank you to not

only to the French President, Hollande, but all the other

countries who helped support this operation. That is quite a get up.

That is Mli for you. While the scenes of celebrations were genuine

enough, what wasn't clear is who the extremists were. Whoever they

were, there wasn't much footage of them just the chaos they left in

their wake. While mallians were suffering the rest of the world

wasn't too bothered until a few weeks ago when another terrorist

group crept out of Mali and into Algeria and overran a BP complex

taking hostages. At least the news had something new to scare us with.

Terrorist leader, Mokhtar Belmokhtar, so bad they named him

twice. He has a variety of aliases. He has an entourage that calls him

"the Prince" and One Eyed Jack." Aka that bloke we only have the one

shot of. They had so little footage of him they had to keep fiddling

with it so it looked sinister, freezing it, zooming in and out,

turning him into a sort of Warhol screen print. On Sky super imposing

silly Spooks-style graphics over him while playing an ominous chord.

Anyone looks sin ter if you do that to them Look at Nicholas Lyndhurst

here. In a sign the West is taking the threat seriously David Cameron

committed troops to Mali. The situation in North Africa and Mali

in particular is clearly one to keep an eye on. That's Mali for you.

David Cameron's tour of North Africa provoked thoughtful reaction,

some of it online. Here is our round-up of some of the things you

have been saying online. It's what you think. It's Points Off You.

Seeing Cameron play the international statesman seemed to

annoy some of you. Alan from Robust get con cries commentary

from Alan there. Cameron visited Libya as part of his travels which

didn't impress pooped on worker who didn't impress pooped on worker who

He seems to have calmed down there at the end. Maybe you were tired

after another long day of being pooped on as part of the system,

aren't we all. Someone calling themselves "European" complains:

Actually, much of that money is going to be spent on shooting

Muslims. Beyonce was in the news again. She admitted lip syncing at

Obama's inauguration. She blew the roof off the Super Bowl. Not

everyone is happy with her. We have seen her baby's face. There

was a distributed heart warming photo of it. Look, see. Thank you,

Samantha, good luck. Someone who calls themself "plation to say:

That is one thing we can all agree That is one thing we can all agree

on. Here is something else. Hitchcock is a story involving Alf

Fred Hitchcock. The story concerns his attempts to shoot his Fiebg owe

while experiencing relationship turbulence with his wife played by

Helen Mirren. Brutal violence. Sounds ghastly. This is the boy who

dug up his own mother. It starts off well. The behind-the-scenes is

fascinating. The film veers into clunky terrain and feels like a

underwhelming TV movie about a couple. It has great moments but

not quite enough of them. Nor is a complete horror show, which is

ironic given the subject matter, which is film Janet Lee being

stabbed to death in the shower. I'm joined by two guests to discuss

Janet Lee being stabbed in the arse she could have survived the rest of

the film she would have been complaining? It would be a

different movie. If she had been stabbed in the bum. Are you a

Hitchcock fan? I enjoyed the films when I was young. When I was 13, 14,

when they first came out. You are saying you are too sophisticated?

Technology makes them seem dated and difficult to enjoy, for me.

prefer new stuff to old stuff? I much prefer it. Some of the

Spanish stuff like.Wreck. That is terrifying. Magnificent. You are a

connoisseur? I'm 53. I came with the first rush of DVD rentals.

came with the first rush... That very moment that Blockbusters

opened. There is a new film called Maniac. It's all shot from the

Who do you think is playing the killer in that? Christian Slater.

No. Mr Paparazzi. The guy who looks like a depressed Sonic the Hedgehog.

I could believe he kills women. I could. It's e Elijah Wood. I think

he is very weird looking. Baby face is good for a killer. Would you see

that? I would. I like to see horror in the afternoon, the cinema is

empty and I can smoke. Do you smoke in cinemas? When there is no-one in.

Yes. D they let you. I don't ask. If I went to the cinema and there

was a lone man in the afternoon smoking I would leave. I would

think he was a pervert. The world's favourite chemically complex

refreshment unveils an arresting and telling the every day story of

a simple gardener undermined by a gang of predatory can-rolling women.

Stopping the mower isn't enough for these pic-a-nic baskets. They trick

him into drinking the shooken-up can causing it to detonate in the

messiest cumshot of all-time. He flaupbts his beveled surfaces at

them, rendering them both speechless and and wert than him.

Thus women are conquered once more. The message here is that it's funny

to forcemenial workers to strip, and that diet coke only contains