Episode 3 Charlie Brooker's Weekly Wipe

Episode 3

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This programme contains some strong Hello, I'm Charlie Brooker and


you're watching Weekly Wipe, a programme all about things that are


happening. Things like this: The contaminated beef scandal contains


to deepen. It turns out some Findus lasagnes may have had more horse in


them than Catherine the Great. As angry consumers blame the


Government, David Cameron promises he's going to get a firm grip on


your meat. Pope gives up Poping for Lent. Many are shocked. You are


joking? The Pope? Oh, my God! Furious God zapped the Vatican and


in startling scenes hurled a rock at the planet in response to the


Pope Poping down. Or maybe he's just angry about gay marriage. It's


hard to tell with God. He's ever so weird. Meanwhile it appears


Barclays will elect the new Pope. And in astonishing scenes David


Beckham forgets his kit and is forced to do his thrilling new


advert in his pants. That is the kind of thing that's been happening.


But we start here. Dunno about you but when I ate a burger I used to


think, "mmm what a tasty compacted disc of minced tissue scrapings


blasted off a cow's carcass with a high-pressure hose in a fly-blown


abbatoir ringing with the incoherent agonized howls of simple


beasts dying from a single boltgun shot to the forehead". But now it


turns out it might not have been as appetising as that. Supermarket


shelves are being cleared of burgers tonight.


Yes the news went a bit CSI Tesco as it discovered cheap burgers were


being illegally cut with horse. Being caught out flogging a dead


horse was bad publicity for Tesco: many of us don't want to eat horse,


we're not barbarians. Although barbarians are precisely the people


Tesco apparently use to choose produce for their customers - as


their alarming new ad campaign makes clear. It's the last time you


wul see that falcon. Obviously you cannot trust Conan to


tell the difference between a cow and a horse. He probably thinks


that that vegetable is a dragon's head. Mind you, you don't know the


weird food you can get in Tesco. Fuck knows how you make tiger loaf


and it was also revealed that halal prison food contained an insulting


amount of pig. Halal meat eaters were as stunned as the halal cows


were not. But the top story story basically


became... The horsemeat skaj scan, deepens. Findus lasagnes has have


been ground to contain up to 100 horsemeat. That is a mare. Now the


revelations were piling up. The news was full of more pink meaty


close-up shops than a year's subscription to Penthouse and it


seemed that they may have unwittingly norbed off a horse.


For Alfie, lass lass -- beef lasagne was a teatime favourite.


Will you be heating more? Definitely not. I bet your mouth is


watering at home! To discuss the grim scandal, Sky paraded a paddock


full of food addicts on screen. Some described these in the voices


of Ronnie Corbett. Supermarkets are the expert in food... He may sound


funny but he knows the food chain. We are talking about the food chain.


At one end meat goes out and cows normally go in but somewhere in the


food chain the horses came in and meat came out.


This man is good. This Mings that - - thing has been a PR disaster for


Findus. It is a shame as the lasagna looks lovely in the adverts.


Look, no hooves or anything. That's it, son, eat your horse. Giddy-up.


Fin fun used to run a chic advert for the gourmet range, created by a


sophisticated chef. Candles, wine, music. A recipe from


Jean-Christophe Novelli himself. Yes, Jean-Christophe Novelli used


to be the credible face of Findus, preparing the food in a noticeably


horseless kitchen. I wonder if he ever used horse? If he did, it was


the finest quality. And we have been asked to point out


that Jean-Christophe Novelli has in no way been implicated in the


horsemeat scandal. Thanks to television we have been accustomed


to seeing food prepared like this, but Findus lasagnes are actually


made in places like this. Rather than friendly Findus, they are


manufactured in less appetising sounding, Comigel. They supply food


for all over Europe. It is like the Invasion of the Edible Horse


Creatures. Thanks to the depressing interiors


of food processing plants it is starting to feel close to the epic,


Soylent Green, in which Charlton Heston discovers that processed


food is manufactured from the corpses of euthanised people. If I


were the food industry, I'm not, I would turn the uncertainty into the


plus. Marketing it as a safari in your mouth burger. An entire animal


kingdom in a bun. Who knows what you could get? Cow, pig, horse,


meerkat or all of the above. The horsemeat scandal has generated


much discussion. Some of it online. These are your words, your opinions,


this is what you think. This is Your Points of View.


The news that horsemeat has been found in beef products has many


many angry. So Mousseow, pondered: I wonder who has been tampering


with it. It could be that it is related to immigrants. I think that


the horses were immigrants. Romanian at that, coming here,


taking the British cows' jobs! David Heath popped up all over the


news to urge people not to throw meat away. It annoyed Sam who went


to the BBC News site to say: How dare the Government tell us what we


can or cannot do. If I want to bin the meat, that is my choice, my


right. I am half-tempted to ruin lots of meat to make a point. Good


luck. Although you would be hard- pressed to make the point than you


did. The BAFTAs were held on Sunday it makes exciting viewing. Helen


Mirren shocked everyone with a new pink hair do. The new hair style


prompted kugs. E went on to Yahoo! To say: My kid's primary


headmistress had pink hair. Shoo was a fantastic headmistress and in


a multicultural school said that everyone was special. Individual


creativity was applauded and no school uniform. The school had


great discipline and results. School uniforms stifle


individualluality and creativity. Food for thought.


Although not entirely relevant for the discussion under topic. P said:


Deathow worth a bang. P, you are a card! The One Show, usually has a


guest like somebody from Waterloo Road, but the other day there was a


bald bloke on. I was in the room. I thought it was Jasper Carrot. Maybe


they are doing Gooden Balls, but it was Bruce Willis.


Bruce Willis had done a film, a Good Day To Die Hard. It had


amazing things on it like explosions and more explosions. It


was so well done. Hardly anyone had seen this until


the fame came out. Like the film people were keeping it secret, but


Matt Baker and Alex Jones had seen it. They loved it. They kept


telling Bruce Willis it was great. It is absolutely incredible.


You have raised the bar as far as action movies.


Bruce Willis seemed humble about how good he knew the film was. Like


he could hardly talk about it he was who humble.


Seriously, so torn up with pride, he had to look at the floor and


hardly say anything. Like when they asked if his daughters had seen it.


Have the girls seen the film? Like you could see he was really


proud of the film. The exciting looking film with the machine


gunning of the terrorists, for, like the fifth time. It looked


brilliant. He has managed to make the same film five times without


dying or looking like he does not have much enthusiasm for the whole


thing anymore. He just wish it is would stop.


Matt Baker introduced a clip from Moonlighting. You could tell that


Bruce Willis was excited. A lot of people remember you from


Moonlighting. Let's remind ourselves for those who may have


forgotten. Moonlighting looked brilliant. Full of life, but not as


good as the new film that looks amazing with all of the stuff that


blows up and the exciting shooting and everybody. All of the


computerised pictures where everything explodes and the big


writing and the banging and the booming sounds! It terms of noise


alone it is probably the best film ever. Later they mentioned Bruce


Willis's singing career, when he did Under the Boardwalk. He was


chuffed that they brought that up. They showed a bit of it, all of


that entertaining him footage of him singing classic songs in front


of black blokes in the '80s. It was great.


Not as great as the film he has done. That looks really uncredible


with all of the helicopters and the death in it. Obviously, because


that's amazing. Then he sort of made a sound with a harm on car and


got a nice round of applause. thought, he must have overcome


something. That is why they are being nice. Good for you, Bruce


Willis. Hope that the film makes loads of money. I really do. It


looked good that film. With all of the amazing explosions and the


shooting in it. The helicopter and everything. Then him killing people,


like really killing lots of people! With guns! Like people that were


mums and dads. He just mows them down. Because they are sort of bad,


probably. I don't know, I haven't seen it, but I expect they are,


otherwise he is a murder! I always thought that all marriages were


same-sex marriages, afterall, all married couples have the same-sex


over and over again. So on the face of it, the thought of two people


with matching guelis, seems about as controversial as two people


marrying on a game of thrown, but apparently is a more controversial


than that. The modernisers went up against the


traditionalists but the argument has changed. The traditional


argument against anything gay used to be e oh, bummers. Not so long


ago, even the BBC could openly express that attitude.


For many of us, this is revolting, men dancing with men.


That is revolting. They will be too tired to fuck each other after, but


today's modern notion has accepted the notion of gay sex. A handful of


them popped up on the news to explain that their opposition to


bedroom marriage is not to do with bedroom squeamishness but other


issues, such as timing. It is not the priority. The economy


In 26 years as an MP I never once got a letter calling for gay


marriage. That is a shame. You are a good-


looking bloke. I would marry you. Another objection is that this is


an attempt to redefine marriage. The significant number in his party


will not support what they see as the attempt to redefine marriage.


We are changing the definition of marriage. We begin to live in Alice


in Wonderland. We begin to redefine language.


It is an interesting philosophical point, but if I choose to redefine


a spoon as something that I shove up my bum it does not stop you


enjoying a pudding. Unless I use your spoon, but the big objection


is that David Cameron douse not have a mandate for this.


There is no mandate for this. is no mandate. No mandate.


No mandate. No mandate, well if David Cameron has no mandate, maybe


he can borrow some from Sacha Distell.


Hello, I am Sacha Distell. They asked me to try Mandate, now I wear


it all the time it is sew fitsicated, long-lasting and very


sexy. This time it is for real! Mandate


sings my songs! Mandate speaks my language. As this add demonstrates,


this is helping hetrosexuals. It is OK, it is my wife.


Thank God. I thought it was your husband. You don't have a mandate


for that, you mucky Frenchman. Any way, that is the anti-camp. Not


that I'm calling them camp. What about the pro-gay body? The liberal


pinky leftist media, doing its bit to promote divert by showing us gay


couple after gay couple we saw a gay couple so close they could


finish each other's sentences. We look to upgrade to marriage from


a civil union, simply because... Because we want to have the same


equality as everybody else. Gay marriage looks fun. A gay coup


that will resembled the most impressive have been trilqist act


of all time. We are this conversation. A lot of


people say, "We are getting married! Look at that gay couple.


Just the same as this gay couple. People say gay marriage it is not,


it is just marriage. It is about dignity for a lesbian


and gay people. I thought that they liked each


other. What is the big deal? It is not


just MPs who take a view on gay marriage. Others do too. The new


Archbishop of Canterbury, pointing to where God lives is opposed to it.


Whereas this northern fisherman think it is is fine.


My brother is gay, I love him. This guy does not believe in it.


don't agree with gay marriages at all.


Some are not that impressed. We are not that impressed, actually, are


we, love? Oh, marriage. As the pink voters approach, the


Commons are about to open. Trendy progressive Channel 4 News sent


Alex Thomson to a gay bar with a pint in his hand.


We are live in a Soho bar. Yes, in a bar in Central London where we


are talking to gay men and getting their reaction.


And then the MPs cast a vote. Plans to allow gay couples to marry


have been approved. Then the vote passed, there by


paving the way for same-sex unions. Loving all of these guys can be


complex, but what better way to contemplate them than by the media


of poetry. Here is Tim Key. This is a poem about love.


I'm in love with a girl. But I'll never have her.


I will never have her. Or at least it is unlikely.


Because she is extremely pretty. And because I only saw her on the


telly in the crowd at the US Open. She looked like she had a fella who


was... Who had, she had her hand on her fella's leg... Love can be a


little bit, a little bit of a. We don't trust the human heart to


make romantic decisions on its own. Why should we? These days people


meet using online data algorithms. Swapping photos and have a full


sexual interof course can microwave ovens, but TV is not as


sophisticated. It pairs people off using sheer weight of numbers alone.


Consider Take Me Out it shows Paddy McGuinness sliden down a pike,


before summoning 30 girls via an instant hen night dispenser. It is


a simple test to see eif they can navigate stairs. That they don't


always pass. Oh, why me?! Because there is no


God! There is no God and we are all going to die! OK? Are you happy


now?! Then the jury assumes the position behind 30 neon podiums,


like a Baz Luhrmann re-make of the Nuremberg trials. Then they let the


eggs see the Y catchphrase. Let the Saturday night, see the


fever! LAUGHTER! Next, a mammal is delivered down the chute and


encouraged to per fork trick force the girls to scrutinise.


Evening, ladies, I am William. The juries make a snap judgment,


based on their appearance. They are displeased by your


baldness. And those defeated by stairs can


then judge the men's lifestyle. I am lucky, I'm a professional


footballer. I can't think of anything worse than a footballer.


What about a footballer up stairs? Less popular is Sky's Love Machine,


followed by Chris Moyles and Peggy from Hi-de-Hi. It is less


intellectually nourishs than Take Me Out and establishing its from


the start as a show for the easily pleased.


Look it is Stacey Solomon, everybody! That is the level


calibrated. You may proceed... The Love Machine resembles a gigantic


phone dail, from the competitors pick a po eten shall shag from


which the audience give out encouragement. It looks like what


could happen in the near future when you go into a showroom to


clues this year's model. I don't like the jacket. You can


always take it off. It is in my mind now, I cannot


forget it. Both ears, pierced? is too much.


You are not feeling it, are you? they decide that they like the look


of one. The question is downloaded from the machine for a closer look.


He is a good height. Yes.


This is a more rigorous meat inspection than the Food Standards


Agency have managed. The Love Machine is hardly scientific, you


have about as much chance as producing a meat by holding a


karoake contest and copping off with who has the best voice, but


there is a show where that happens too.


This is Sing Date. People look to will havely singing to each other.


Sing Date is another weird show b how wish people choose a partner.


There are mad singletons croons into the laptops like host agendas


at gunpoint. It is time to start Joyce's search


for love. Men men are ready to sing to her. Then they choose three


suitors from the crap heap. The first choice is Stuart. Stuart


is interesting. He was very clean cut.


Let's dance! I loved the way that he danced and I love his movements.


I think he would be fun. Then they perform a life duet to


see if it sparks love. I know that the love we share was


meant to be! I knew you were waiting... I knew you were waiting


for me. En this she has to pick one, just


one, based on the sound of their voice and whatever she can spot in


the background before inviting them into the studio for the grand


finale. Then they sing to each other. It is like an amateur re-


stages of a Top of the Pops clip from 1989.


Great to sing. Joining me to discuss dating shows


like Sing Date are Tony Law and comedian, Will Herring. What did


you make of Sing Date? I don't like singing, at all. I like going to a


band, but people who break into song, I cannot bare that.


It is like that singing has become the most important thing. Like X


Factor, if you can sing in that karoake. It is singing in a certain


type of way. So if you sing like that, you get to be rich and go on


dates with people, if you can't sing, you are not allowed to have


sex anymore. Presuming that singing couples


really work. Like Rihanna and Chris Brown. Although in the programme


the two people were ideal for each other. I am convinced that the two


people went home and had sex with each other. I think that they are


together now. Well, look at this, this is the


Choice it is a bit like the Voice. Celebrities select a partner on the


sound of her voice alone. So, I can assure you that I am the


best! Is that right? I am an east coast girl at heart. I live in Sin


City Nevada. I'm a cocktail server on the last Las Vegas strip. I love


to party. To have a good time. Obviously in that, they all look


loathsome. What did you make of that? Well, the men are really


famous. They are very rich and quite good


looking and single. The last thing that they need is a dating show to


get them more women. They are already getting plenty. Like they


are too lazy to go out to a bar. They could dangle themselves out


there like a maggot in a pond. I'm a professional poker player!


be honest it does not take that much to convince men.


They may as well say something like my vagina is full of beans. Or even


not. All of the women are identical? Yes, it is all identical


hot American women. There is no jeopardy! Hot damaged


American women in cocktail dresses, who have not ended up on porn.


This is a rung above porn? Yes. would feel comfortable in the game


was reversed. What about a show called Glory Hole.


Someone who has to stick their penis through. It could be a woman,


a goat, your dad and that's it. You are going on a date.


I know what dad is like. It will probably be OK. Great, I love dad's


favourite restaurant. There was this king called Richard III. No-


one knew where he was. Then they found him again. He had been hiding


in the ground. Kings don't normally do that. There was this really


interesting thing about it. Like CSI but in Leicester. With this man


from Horrible His and a woman in love with king Richard, even though


he is dead like Demi Moore in ghost. It is all clinical. It is clinical.


It is really difficult seeing him laid out like this.


Gosh, I'm sorry. I can't... People kept saying had died on a


battlefield, but he didn't, he died in a car park. The car park is only


open Monday to Friday. He must have died on a weekday. In the old


photos, king Richard had dog ears but they are rotted away. You could


see he was half a human, half a dinosaur. Because they had a skull


they could make his head and show exactly what the eyebrows looked


like and whether he plucked them or not. You can tell them from a skull.


What is weird is that the likeness that they made looks like what they


thought he would have looked like any way. That shows how accurate


the plastercine stuff is. This is an historic moment in the story of


Leicester. It really put Leicester I thought mum was taking care of


myself bones. I didn't get it, but what I learned is that vitamin Z


important on top. It helps the body to absorb.


That is good. That is how vitamin D works.


It really made me think. Yes, you used mum's accident to


flog some yoghurt. Food! In a time for supermarkets,


that is difficult, Tesco withdraws horse contaminated burgers, Aldi is


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