Episode 3 Charlie Brooker's Weekly Wipe


Episode 3

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This programme contains some strong Hello, I'm Charlie Brooker and

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you're watching Weekly Wipe, a programme all about things that are

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happening. Things like this: The contaminated beef scandal contains

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to deepen. It turns out some Findus lasagnes may have had more horse in

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them than Catherine the Great. As angry consumers blame the

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Government, David Cameron promises he's going to get a firm grip on

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your meat. Pope gives up Poping for Lent. Many are shocked. You are

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joking? The Pope? Oh, my God! Furious God zapped the Vatican and

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in startling scenes hurled a rock at the planet in response to the

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Pope Poping down. Or maybe he's just angry about gay marriage. It's

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hard to tell with God. He's ever so weird. Meanwhile it appears

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Barclays will elect the new Pope. And in astonishing scenes David

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Beckham forgets his kit and is forced to do his thrilling new

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advert in his pants. That is the kind of thing that's been happening.

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But we start here. Dunno about you but when I ate a burger I used to

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think, "mmm what a tasty compacted disc of minced tissue scrapings

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blasted off a cow's carcass with a high-pressure hose in a fly-blown

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abbatoir ringing with the incoherent agonized howls of simple

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beasts dying from a single boltgun shot to the forehead". But now it

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turns out it might not have been as appetising as that. Supermarket

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shelves are being cleared of burgers tonight.

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Yes the news went a bit CSI Tesco as it discovered cheap burgers were

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being illegally cut with horse. Being caught out flogging a dead

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horse was bad publicity for Tesco: many of us don't want to eat horse,

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we're not barbarians. Although barbarians are precisely the people

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Tesco apparently use to choose produce for their customers - as

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their alarming new ad campaign makes clear. It's the last time you

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wul see that falcon. Obviously you cannot trust Conan to

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tell the difference between a cow and a horse. He probably thinks

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that that vegetable is a dragon's head. Mind you, you don't know the

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weird food you can get in Tesco. Fuck knows how you make tiger loaf

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and it was also revealed that halal prison food contained an insulting

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amount of pig. Halal meat eaters were as stunned as the halal cows

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were not. But the top story story basically

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became... The horsemeat skaj scan, deepens. Findus lasagnes has have

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been ground to contain up to 100 horsemeat. That is a mare. Now the

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revelations were piling up. The news was full of more pink meaty

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close-up shops than a year's subscription to Penthouse and it

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seemed that they may have unwittingly norbed off a horse.

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For Alfie, lass lass -- beef lasagne was a teatime favourite.

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Will you be heating more? Definitely not. I bet your mouth is

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watering at home! To discuss the grim scandal, Sky paraded a paddock

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full of food addicts on screen. Some described these in the voices

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of Ronnie Corbett. Supermarkets are the expert in food... He may sound

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funny but he knows the food chain. We are talking about the food chain.

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At one end meat goes out and cows normally go in but somewhere in the

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food chain the horses came in and meat came out.

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This man is good. This Mings that - - thing has been a PR disaster for

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Findus. It is a shame as the lasagna looks lovely in the adverts.

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Look, no hooves or anything. That's it, son, eat your horse. Giddy-up.

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Fin fun used to run a chic advert for the gourmet range, created by a

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sophisticated chef. Candles, wine, music. A recipe from

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Jean-Christophe Novelli himself. Yes, Jean-Christophe Novelli used

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to be the credible face of Findus, preparing the food in a noticeably

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horseless kitchen. I wonder if he ever used horse? If he did, it was

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the finest quality. And we have been asked to point out

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that Jean-Christophe Novelli has in no way been implicated in the

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horsemeat scandal. Thanks to television we have been accustomed

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to seeing food prepared like this, but Findus lasagnes are actually

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made in places like this. Rather than friendly Findus, they are

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manufactured in less appetising sounding, Comigel. They supply food

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for all over Europe. It is like the Invasion of the Edible Horse

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Creatures. Thanks to the depressing interiors

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of food processing plants it is starting to feel close to the epic,

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Soylent Green, in which Charlton Heston discovers that processed

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food is manufactured from the corpses of euthanised people. If I

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were the food industry, I'm not, I would turn the uncertainty into the

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plus. Marketing it as a safari in your mouth burger. An entire animal

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kingdom in a bun. Who knows what you could get? Cow, pig, horse,

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meerkat or all of the above. The horsemeat scandal has generated

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much discussion. Some of it online. These are your words, your opinions,

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this is what you think. This is Your Points of View.

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The news that horsemeat has been found in beef products has many

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many angry. So Mousseow, pondered: I wonder who has been tampering

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with it. It could be that it is related to immigrants. I think that

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the horses were immigrants. Romanian at that, coming here,

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taking the British cows' jobs! David Heath popped up all over the

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news to urge people not to throw meat away. It annoyed Sam who went

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to the BBC News site to say: How dare the Government tell us what we

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can or cannot do. If I want to bin the meat, that is my choice, my

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right. I am half-tempted to ruin lots of meat to make a point. Good

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luck. Although you would be hard- pressed to make the point than you

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did. The BAFTAs were held on Sunday it makes exciting viewing. Helen

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Mirren shocked everyone with a new pink hair do. The new hair style

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prompted kugs. E went on to Yahoo! To say: My kid's primary

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headmistress had pink hair. Shoo was a fantastic headmistress and in

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a multicultural school said that everyone was special. Individual

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creativity was applauded and no school uniform. The school had

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great discipline and results. School uniforms stifle

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individualluality and creativity. Food for thought.

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Although not entirely relevant for the discussion under topic. P said:

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Deathow worth a bang. P, you are a card! The One Show, usually has a

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guest like somebody from Waterloo Road, but the other day there was a

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bald bloke on. I was in the room. I thought it was Jasper Carrot. Maybe

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they are doing Gooden Balls, but it was Bruce Willis.

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Bruce Willis had done a film, a Good Day To Die Hard. It had

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amazing things on it like explosions and more explosions. It

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was so well done. Hardly anyone had seen this until

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the fame came out. Like the film people were keeping it secret, but

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Matt Baker and Alex Jones had seen it. They loved it. They kept

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telling Bruce Willis it was great. It is absolutely incredible.

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You have raised the bar as far as action movies.

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Bruce Willis seemed humble about how good he knew the film was. Like

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he could hardly talk about it he was who humble.

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Seriously, so torn up with pride, he had to look at the floor and

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hardly say anything. Like when they asked if his daughters had seen it.

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Have the girls seen the film? Like you could see he was really

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proud of the film. The exciting looking film with the machine

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gunning of the terrorists, for, like the fifth time. It looked

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brilliant. He has managed to make the same film five times without

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dying or looking like he does not have much enthusiasm for the whole

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thing anymore. He just wish it is would stop.

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Matt Baker introduced a clip from Moonlighting. You could tell that

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Bruce Willis was excited. A lot of people remember you from

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Moonlighting. Let's remind ourselves for those who may have

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forgotten. Moonlighting looked brilliant. Full of life, but not as

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good as the new film that looks amazing with all of the stuff that

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blows up and the exciting shooting and everybody. All of the

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computerised pictures where everything explodes and the big

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writing and the banging and the booming sounds! It terms of noise

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alone it is probably the best film ever. Later they mentioned Bruce

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Willis's singing career, when he did Under the Boardwalk. He was

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chuffed that they brought that up. They showed a bit of it, all of

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that entertaining him footage of him singing classic songs in front

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of black blokes in the '80s. It was great.

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Not as great as the film he has done. That looks really uncredible

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with all of the helicopters and the death in it. Obviously, because

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that's amazing. Then he sort of made a sound with a harm on car and

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got a nice round of applause. thought, he must have overcome

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something. That is why they are being nice. Good for you, Bruce

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Willis. Hope that the film makes loads of money. I really do. It

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looked good that film. With all of the amazing explosions and the

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shooting in it. The helicopter and everything. Then him killing people,

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like really killing lots of people! With guns! Like people that were

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mums and dads. He just mows them down. Because they are sort of bad,

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probably. I don't know, I haven't seen it, but I expect they are,

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otherwise he is a murder! I always thought that all marriages were

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same-sex marriages, afterall, all married couples have the same-sex

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over and over again. So on the face of it, the thought of two people

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with matching guelis, seems about as controversial as two people

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marrying on a game of thrown, but apparently is a more controversial

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than that. The modernisers went up against the

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traditionalists but the argument has changed. The traditional

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argument against anything gay used to be e oh, bummers. Not so long

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ago, even the BBC could openly express that attitude.

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For many of us, this is revolting, men dancing with men.

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That is revolting. They will be too tired to fuck each other after, but

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today's modern notion has accepted the notion of gay sex. A handful of

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them popped up on the news to explain that their opposition to

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bedroom marriage is not to do with bedroom squeamishness but other

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issues, such as timing. It is not the priority. The economy

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In 26 years as an MP I never once got a letter calling for gay

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marriage. That is a shame. You are a good-

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looking bloke. I would marry you. Another objection is that this is

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an attempt to redefine marriage. The significant number in his party

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will not support what they see as the attempt to redefine marriage.

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We are changing the definition of marriage. We begin to live in Alice

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in Wonderland. We begin to redefine language.

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It is an interesting philosophical point, but if I choose to redefine

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a spoon as something that I shove up my bum it does not stop you

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enjoying a pudding. Unless I use your spoon, but the big objection

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is that David Cameron douse not have a mandate for this.

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There is no mandate for this. is no mandate. No mandate.

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No mandate. No mandate, well if David Cameron has no mandate, maybe

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he can borrow some from Sacha Distell.

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Hello, I am Sacha Distell. They asked me to try Mandate, now I wear

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it all the time it is sew fitsicated, long-lasting and very

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sexy. This time it is for real! Mandate

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sings my songs! Mandate speaks my language. As this add demonstrates,

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this is helping hetrosexuals. It is OK, it is my wife.

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Thank God. I thought it was your husband. You don't have a mandate

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for that, you mucky Frenchman. Any way, that is the anti-camp. Not

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that I'm calling them camp. What about the pro-gay body? The liberal

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pinky leftist media, doing its bit to promote divert by showing us gay

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couple after gay couple we saw a gay couple so close they could

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finish each other's sentences. We look to upgrade to marriage from

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a civil union, simply because... Because we want to have the same

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equality as everybody else. Gay marriage looks fun. A gay coup

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that will resembled the most impressive have been trilqist act

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of all time. We are this conversation. A lot of

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people say, "We are getting married! Look at that gay couple.

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Just the same as this gay couple. People say gay marriage it is not,

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it is just marriage. It is about dignity for a lesbian

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and gay people. I thought that they liked each

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other. What is the big deal? It is not

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just MPs who take a view on gay marriage. Others do too. The new

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Archbishop of Canterbury, pointing to where God lives is opposed to it.

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Whereas this northern fisherman think it is is fine.

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My brother is gay, I love him. This guy does not believe in it.

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don't agree with gay marriages at all.

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Some are not that impressed. We are not that impressed, actually, are

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we, love? Oh, marriage. As the pink voters approach, the

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Commons are about to open. Trendy progressive Channel 4 News sent

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Alex Thomson to a gay bar with a pint in his hand.

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We are live in a Soho bar. Yes, in a bar in Central London where we

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are talking to gay men and getting their reaction.

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And then the MPs cast a vote. Plans to allow gay couples to marry

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have been approved. Then the vote passed, there by

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paving the way for same-sex unions. Loving all of these guys can be

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complex, but what better way to contemplate them than by the media

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of poetry. Here is Tim Key. This is a poem about love.

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I'm in love with a girl. But I'll never have her.

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I will never have her. Or at least it is unlikely.

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Because she is extremely pretty. And because I only saw her on the

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telly in the crowd at the US Open. She looked like she had a fella who

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was... Who had, she had her hand on her fella's leg... Love can be a

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little bit, a little bit of a. We don't trust the human heart to

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make romantic decisions on its own. Why should we? These days people

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meet using online data algorithms. Swapping photos and have a full

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sexual interof course can microwave ovens, but TV is not as

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sophisticated. It pairs people off using sheer weight of numbers alone.

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Consider Take Me Out it shows Paddy McGuinness sliden down a pike,

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before summoning 30 girls via an instant hen night dispenser. It is

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a simple test to see eif they can navigate stairs. That they don't

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always pass. Oh, why me?! Because there is no

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God! There is no God and we are all going to die! OK? Are you happy

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now?! Then the jury assumes the position behind 30 neon podiums,

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like a Baz Luhrmann re-make of the Nuremberg trials. Then they let the

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eggs see the Y catchphrase. Let the Saturday night, see the

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fever! LAUGHTER! Next, a mammal is delivered down the chute and

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encouraged to per fork trick force the girls to scrutinise.

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Evening, ladies, I am William. The juries make a snap judgment,

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based on their appearance. They are displeased by your

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baldness. And those defeated by stairs can

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then judge the men's lifestyle. I am lucky, I'm a professional

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footballer. I can't think of anything worse than a footballer.

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What about a footballer up stairs? Less popular is Sky's Love Machine,

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followed by Chris Moyles and Peggy from Hi-de-Hi. It is less

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intellectually nourishs than Take Me Out and establishing its from

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the start as a show for the easily pleased.

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Look it is Stacey Solomon, everybody! That is the level

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calibrated. You may proceed... The Love Machine resembles a gigantic

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phone dail, from the competitors pick a po eten shall shag from

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which the audience give out encouragement. It looks like what

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could happen in the near future when you go into a showroom to

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clues this year's model. I don't like the jacket. You can

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always take it off. It is in my mind now, I cannot

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forget it. Both ears, pierced? is too much.

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You are not feeling it, are you? they decide that they like the look

:22:29.:22:33.

of one. The question is downloaded from the machine for a closer look.

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He is a good height. Yes.

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This is a more rigorous meat inspection than the Food Standards

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Agency have managed. The Love Machine is hardly scientific, you

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have about as much chance as producing a meat by holding a

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karoake contest and copping off with who has the best voice, but

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there is a show where that happens too.

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This is Sing Date. People look to will havely singing to each other.

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Sing Date is another weird show b how wish people choose a partner.

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There are mad singletons croons into the laptops like host agendas

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at gunpoint. It is time to start Joyce's search

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for love. Men men are ready to sing to her. Then they choose three

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suitors from the crap heap. The first choice is Stuart. Stuart

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is interesting. He was very clean cut.

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Let's dance! I loved the way that he danced and I love his movements.

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I think he would be fun. Then they perform a life duet to

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see if it sparks love. I know that the love we share was

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meant to be! I knew you were waiting... I knew you were waiting

:23:53.:23:59.

for me. En this she has to pick one, just

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one, based on the sound of their voice and whatever she can spot in

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the background before inviting them into the studio for the grand

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finale. Then they sing to each other. It is like an amateur re-

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stages of a Top of the Pops clip from 1989.

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Great to sing. Joining me to discuss dating shows

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like Sing Date are Tony Law and comedian, Will Herring. What did

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you make of Sing Date? I don't like singing, at all. I like going to a

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band, but people who break into song, I cannot bare that.

:24:45.:24:50.

It is like that singing has become the most important thing. Like X

:24:50.:24:55.

Factor, if you can sing in that karoake. It is singing in a certain

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type of way. So if you sing like that, you get to be rich and go on

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dates with people, if you can't sing, you are not allowed to have

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sex anymore. Presuming that singing couples

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really work. Like Rihanna and Chris Brown. Although in the programme

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the two people were ideal for each other. I am convinced that the two

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people went home and had sex with each other. I think that they are

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together now. Well, look at this, this is the

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Choice it is a bit like the Voice. Celebrities select a partner on the

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sound of her voice alone. So, I can assure you that I am the

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best! Is that right? I am an east coast girl at heart. I live in Sin

:25:48.:25:52.

City Nevada. I'm a cocktail server on the last Las Vegas strip. I love

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to party. To have a good time. Obviously in that, they all look

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loathsome. What did you make of that? Well, the men are really

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famous. They are very rich and quite good

:26:05.:26:10.

looking and single. The last thing that they need is a dating show to

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get them more women. They are already getting plenty. Like they

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are too lazy to go out to a bar. They could dangle themselves out

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there like a maggot in a pond. I'm a professional poker player!

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be honest it does not take that much to convince men.

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They may as well say something like my vagina is full of beans. Or even

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not. All of the women are identical? Yes, it is all identical

:26:43.:26:47.

hot American women. There is no jeopardy! Hot damaged

:26:47.:26:52.

American women in cocktail dresses, who have not ended up on porn.

:26:52.:26:58.

This is a rung above porn? Yes. would feel comfortable in the game

:26:58.:27:02.

was reversed. What about a show called Glory Hole.

:27:02.:27:06.

Someone who has to stick their penis through. It could be a woman,

:27:06.:27:10.

a goat, your dad and that's it. You are going on a date.

:27:11.:27:18.

I know what dad is like. It will probably be OK. Great, I love dad's

:27:18.:27:22.

favourite restaurant. There was this king called Richard III. No-

:27:22.:27:26.

one knew where he was. Then they found him again. He had been hiding

:27:26.:27:30.

in the ground. Kings don't normally do that. There was this really

:27:30.:27:35.

interesting thing about it. Like CSI but in Leicester. With this man

:27:35.:27:41.

from Horrible His and a woman in love with king Richard, even though

:27:41.:27:50.

he is dead like Demi Moore in ghost. It is all clinical. It is clinical.

:27:50.:27:55.

It is really difficult seeing him laid out like this.

:27:55.:28:01.

Gosh, I'm sorry. I can't... People kept saying had died on a

:28:01.:28:05.

battlefield, but he didn't, he died in a car park. The car park is only

:28:05.:28:11.

open Monday to Friday. He must have died on a weekday. In the old

:28:11.:28:15.

photos, king Richard had dog ears but they are rotted away. You could

:28:15.:28:21.

see he was half a human, half a dinosaur. Because they had a skull

:28:21.:28:25.

they could make his head and show exactly what the eyebrows looked

:28:25.:28:29.

like and whether he plucked them or not. You can tell them from a skull.

:28:29.:28:33.

What is weird is that the likeness that they made looks like what they

:28:33.:28:38.

thought he would have looked like any way. That shows how accurate

:28:38.:28:43.

the plastercine stuff is. This is an historic moment in the story of

:28:43.:28:53.
:28:53.:29:17.

Leicester. It really put Leicester I thought mum was taking care of

:29:17.:29:22.

myself bones. I didn't get it, but what I learned is that vitamin Z

:29:22.:29:25.

important on top. It helps the body to absorb.

:29:25.:29:30.

That is good. That is how vitamin D works.

:29:30.:29:35.

It really made me think. Yes, you used mum's accident to

:29:35.:29:41.

flog some yoghurt. Food! In a time for supermarkets,

:29:41.:29:47.

that is difficult, Tesco withdraws horse contaminated burgers, Aldi is

:29:47.:29:52.

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