Episode 3 Charlie Brooker's Weekly Wipe

This programme contains some strong Hello, I'm Charlie Brooker and

you're watching Weekly Wipe, a programme all about things that are

happening. Things like this: The contaminated beef scandal contains

to deepen. It turns out some Findus lasagnes may have had more horse in

them than Catherine the Great. As angry consumers blame the

Government, David Cameron promises he's going to get a firm grip on

your meat. Pope gives up Poping for Lent. Many are shocked. You are

joking? The Pope? Oh, my God! Furious God zapped the Vatican and

in startling scenes hurled a rock at the planet in response to the

Pope Poping down. Or maybe he's just angry about gay marriage. It's

hard to tell with God. He's ever so weird. Meanwhile it appears

Barclays will elect the new Pope. And in astonishing scenes David

Beckham forgets his kit and is forced to do his thrilling new

advert in his pants. That is the kind of thing that's been happening.

But we start here. Dunno about you but when I ate a burger I used to

think, "mmm what a tasty compacted disc of minced tissue scrapings

blasted off a cow's carcass with a high-pressure hose in a fly-blown

abbatoir ringing with the incoherent agonized howls of simple

beasts dying from a single boltgun shot to the forehead". But now it

turns out it might not have been as appetising as that. Supermarket

shelves are being cleared of burgers tonight.

Yes the news went a bit CSI Tesco as it discovered cheap burgers were

being illegally cut with horse. Being caught out flogging a dead

horse was bad publicity for Tesco: many of us don't want to eat horse,

we're not barbarians. Although barbarians are precisely the people

Tesco apparently use to choose produce for their customers - as

their alarming new ad campaign makes clear. It's the last time you

wul see that falcon. Obviously you cannot trust Conan to

tell the difference between a cow and a horse. He probably thinks

that that vegetable is a dragon's head. Mind you, you don't know the

weird food you can get in Tesco. Fuck knows how you make tiger loaf

and it was also revealed that halal prison food contained an insulting

amount of pig. Halal meat eaters were as stunned as the halal cows

were not. But the top story story basically

became... The horsemeat skaj scan, deepens. Findus lasagnes has have

been ground to contain up to 100 horsemeat. That is a mare. Now the

revelations were piling up. The news was full of more pink meaty

close-up shops than a year's subscription to Penthouse and it

seemed that they may have unwittingly norbed off a horse.

For Alfie, lass lass -- beef lasagne was a teatime favourite.

Will you be heating more? Definitely not. I bet your mouth is

watering at home! To discuss the grim scandal, Sky paraded a paddock

full of food addicts on screen. Some described these in the voices

of Ronnie Corbett. Supermarkets are the expert in food... He may sound

funny but he knows the food chain. We are talking about the food chain.

At one end meat goes out and cows normally go in but somewhere in the

food chain the horses came in and meat came out.

This man is good. This Mings that - - thing has been a PR disaster for

Findus. It is a shame as the lasagna looks lovely in the adverts.

Look, no hooves or anything. That's it, son, eat your horse. Giddy-up.

Fin fun used to run a chic advert for the gourmet range, created by a

sophisticated chef. Candles, wine, music. A recipe from

Jean-Christophe Novelli himself. Yes, Jean-Christophe Novelli used

to be the credible face of Findus, preparing the food in a noticeably

horseless kitchen. I wonder if he ever used horse? If he did, it was

the finest quality. And we have been asked to point out

that Jean-Christophe Novelli has in no way been implicated in the

horsemeat scandal. Thanks to television we have been accustomed

to seeing food prepared like this, but Findus lasagnes are actually

made in places like this. Rather than friendly Findus, they are

manufactured in less appetising sounding, Comigel. They supply food

for all over Europe. It is like the Invasion of the Edible Horse

Creatures. Thanks to the depressing interiors

of food processing plants it is starting to feel close to the epic,

Soylent Green, in which Charlton Heston discovers that processed

food is manufactured from the corpses of euthanised people. If I

were the food industry, I'm not, I would turn the uncertainty into the

plus. Marketing it as a safari in your mouth burger. An entire animal

kingdom in a bun. Who knows what you could get? Cow, pig, horse,

meerkat or all of the above. The horsemeat scandal has generated

much discussion. Some of it online. These are your words, your opinions,

this is what you think. This is Your Points of View.

The news that horsemeat has been found in beef products has many

many angry. So Mousseow, pondered: I wonder who has been tampering

with it. It could be that it is related to immigrants. I think that

the horses were immigrants. Romanian at that, coming here,

taking the British cows' jobs! David Heath popped up all over the

news to urge people not to throw meat away. It annoyed Sam who went

to the BBC News site to say: How dare the Government tell us what we

can or cannot do. If I want to bin the meat, that is my choice, my

right. I am half-tempted to ruin lots of meat to make a point. Good

luck. Although you would be hard- pressed to make the point than you

did. The BAFTAs were held on Sunday it makes exciting viewing. Helen

Mirren shocked everyone with a new pink hair do. The new hair style

prompted kugs. E went on to Yahoo! To say: My kid's primary

headmistress had pink hair. Shoo was a fantastic headmistress and in

a multicultural school said that everyone was special. Individual

creativity was applauded and no school uniform. The school had

great discipline and results. School uniforms stifle

individualluality and creativity. Food for thought.

Although not entirely relevant for the discussion under topic. P said:

Deathow worth a bang. P, you are a card! The One Show, usually has a

guest like somebody from Waterloo Road, but the other day there was a

bald bloke on. I was in the room. I thought it was Jasper Carrot. Maybe

they are doing Gooden Balls, but it was Bruce Willis.

Bruce Willis had done a film, a Good Day To Die Hard. It had

amazing things on it like explosions and more explosions. It

was so well done. Hardly anyone had seen this until

the fame came out. Like the film people were keeping it secret, but

Matt Baker and Alex Jones had seen it. They loved it. They kept

telling Bruce Willis it was great. It is absolutely incredible.

You have raised the bar as far as action movies.

Bruce Willis seemed humble about how good he knew the film was. Like

he could hardly talk about it he was who humble.

Seriously, so torn up with pride, he had to look at the floor and

hardly say anything. Like when they asked if his daughters had seen it.

Have the girls seen the film? Like you could see he was really

proud of the film. The exciting looking film with the machine

gunning of the terrorists, for, like the fifth time. It looked

brilliant. He has managed to make the same film five times without

dying or looking like he does not have much enthusiasm for the whole

thing anymore. He just wish it is would stop.

Matt Baker introduced a clip from Moonlighting. You could tell that

Bruce Willis was excited. A lot of people remember you from

Moonlighting. Let's remind ourselves for those who may have

forgotten. Moonlighting looked brilliant. Full of life, but not as

good as the new film that looks amazing with all of the stuff that

blows up and the exciting shooting and everybody. All of the

computerised pictures where everything explodes and the big

writing and the banging and the booming sounds! It terms of noise

alone it is probably the best film ever. Later they mentioned Bruce

Willis's singing career, when he did Under the Boardwalk. He was

chuffed that they brought that up. They showed a bit of it, all of

that entertaining him footage of him singing classic songs in front

of black blokes in the '80s. It was great.

Not as great as the film he has done. That looks really uncredible

with all of the helicopters and the death in it. Obviously, because

that's amazing. Then he sort of made a sound with a harm on car and

got a nice round of applause. thought, he must have overcome

something. That is why they are being nice. Good for you, Bruce

Willis. Hope that the film makes loads of money. I really do. It

looked good that film. With all of the amazing explosions and the

shooting in it. The helicopter and everything. Then him killing people,

like really killing lots of people! With guns! Like people that were

mums and dads. He just mows them down. Because they are sort of bad,

probably. I don't know, I haven't seen it, but I expect they are,

otherwise he is a murder! I always thought that all marriages were

same-sex marriages, afterall, all married couples have the same-sex

over and over again. So on the face of it, the thought of two people

with matching guelis, seems about as controversial as two people

marrying on a game of thrown, but apparently is a more controversial

than that. The modernisers went up against the

traditionalists but the argument has changed. The traditional

argument against anything gay used to be e oh, bummers. Not so long

ago, even the BBC could openly express that attitude.

For many of us, this is revolting, men dancing with men.

That is revolting. They will be too tired to fuck each other after, but

today's modern notion has accepted the notion of gay sex. A handful of

them popped up on the news to explain that their opposition to

bedroom marriage is not to do with bedroom squeamishness but other

issues, such as timing. It is not the priority. The economy

In 26 years as an MP I never once got a letter calling for gay

marriage. That is a shame. You are a good-

looking bloke. I would marry you. Another objection is that this is

an attempt to redefine marriage. The significant number in his party

will not support what they see as the attempt to redefine marriage.

We are changing the definition of marriage. We begin to live in Alice

in Wonderland. We begin to redefine language.

It is an interesting philosophical point, but if I choose to redefine

a spoon as something that I shove up my bum it does not stop you

enjoying a pudding. Unless I use your spoon, but the big objection

is that David Cameron douse not have a mandate for this.

There is no mandate for this. is no mandate. No mandate.

No mandate. No mandate, well if David Cameron has no mandate, maybe

he can borrow some from Sacha Distell.

Hello, I am Sacha Distell. They asked me to try Mandate, now I wear

it all the time it is sew fitsicated, long-lasting and very

sexy. This time it is for real! Mandate

sings my songs! Mandate speaks my language. As this add demonstrates,

this is helping hetrosexuals. It is OK, it is my wife.

Thank God. I thought it was your husband. You don't have a mandate

for that, you mucky Frenchman. Any way, that is the anti-camp. Not

that I'm calling them camp. What about the pro-gay body? The liberal

pinky leftist media, doing its bit to promote divert by showing us gay

couple after gay couple we saw a gay couple so close they could

finish each other's sentences. We look to upgrade to marriage from

a civil union, simply because... Because we want to have the same

equality as everybody else. Gay marriage looks fun. A gay coup

that will resembled the most impressive have been trilqist act

of all time. We are this conversation. A lot of

people say, "We are getting married! Look at that gay couple.

Just the same as this gay couple. People say gay marriage it is not,

it is just marriage. It is about dignity for a lesbian

and gay people. I thought that they liked each

other. What is the big deal? It is not

just MPs who take a view on gay marriage. Others do too. The new

Archbishop of Canterbury, pointing to where God lives is opposed to it.

Whereas this northern fisherman think it is is fine.

My brother is gay, I love him. This guy does not believe in it.

don't agree with gay marriages at all.

Some are not that impressed. We are not that impressed, actually, are

we, love? Oh, marriage. As the pink voters approach, the

Commons are about to open. Trendy progressive Channel 4 News sent

Alex Thomson to a gay bar with a pint in his hand.

We are live in a Soho bar. Yes, in a bar in Central London where we

are talking to gay men and getting their reaction.

And then the MPs cast a vote. Plans to allow gay couples to marry

have been approved. Then the vote passed, there by

paving the way for same-sex unions. Loving all of these guys can be

complex, but what better way to contemplate them than by the media

of poetry. Here is Tim Key. This is a poem about love.

I'm in love with a girl. But I'll never have her.

I will never have her. Or at least it is unlikely.

Because she is extremely pretty. And because I only saw her on the

telly in the crowd at the US Open. She looked like she had a fella who

was... Who had, she had her hand on her fella's leg... Love can be a

little bit, a little bit of a. We don't trust the human heart to

make romantic decisions on its own. Why should we? These days people

meet using online data algorithms. Swapping photos and have a full

sexual interof course can microwave ovens, but TV is not as

sophisticated. It pairs people off using sheer weight of numbers alone.

Consider Take Me Out it shows Paddy McGuinness sliden down a pike,

before summoning 30 girls via an instant hen night dispenser. It is

a simple test to see eif they can navigate stairs. That they don't

always pass. Oh, why me?! Because there is no

God! There is no God and we are all going to die! OK? Are you happy

now?! Then the jury assumes the position behind 30 neon podiums,

like a Baz Luhrmann re-make of the Nuremberg trials. Then they let the

eggs see the Y catchphrase. Let the Saturday night, see the

fever! LAUGHTER! Next, a mammal is delivered down the chute and

encouraged to per fork trick force the girls to scrutinise.

Evening, ladies, I am William. The juries make a snap judgment,

based on their appearance. They are displeased by your

baldness. And those defeated by stairs can

then judge the men's lifestyle. I am lucky, I'm a professional

footballer. I can't think of anything worse than a footballer.

What about a footballer up stairs? Less popular is Sky's Love Machine,

followed by Chris Moyles and Peggy from Hi-de-Hi. It is less

intellectually nourishs than Take Me Out and establishing its from

the start as a show for the easily pleased.

Look it is Stacey Solomon, everybody! That is the level

calibrated. You may proceed... The Love Machine resembles a gigantic

phone dail, from the competitors pick a po eten shall shag from

which the audience give out encouragement. It looks like what

could happen in the near future when you go into a showroom to

clues this year's model. I don't like the jacket. You can

always take it off. It is in my mind now, I cannot

forget it. Both ears, pierced? is too much.

You are not feeling it, are you? they decide that they like the look

of one. The question is downloaded from the machine for a closer look.

He is a good height. Yes.

This is a more rigorous meat inspection than the Food Standards

Agency have managed. The Love Machine is hardly scientific, you

have about as much chance as producing a meat by holding a

karoake contest and copping off with who has the best voice, but

there is a show where that happens too.

This is Sing Date. People look to will havely singing to each other.

Sing Date is another weird show b how wish people choose a partner.

There are mad singletons croons into the laptops like host agendas

at gunpoint. It is time to start Joyce's search

for love. Men men are ready to sing to her. Then they choose three

suitors from the crap heap. The first choice is Stuart. Stuart

is interesting. He was very clean cut.

Let's dance! I loved the way that he danced and I love his movements.

I think he would be fun. Then they perform a life duet to

see if it sparks love. I know that the love we share was

meant to be! I knew you were waiting... I knew you were waiting

for me. En this she has to pick one, just

one, based on the sound of their voice and whatever she can spot in

the background before inviting them into the studio for the grand

finale. Then they sing to each other. It is like an amateur re-

stages of a Top of the Pops clip from 1989.

Great to sing. Joining me to discuss dating shows

like Sing Date are Tony Law and comedian, Will Herring. What did

you make of Sing Date? I don't like singing, at all. I like going to a

band, but people who break into song, I cannot bare that.

It is like that singing has become the most important thing. Like X

Factor, if you can sing in that karoake. It is singing in a certain

type of way. So if you sing like that, you get to be rich and go on

dates with people, if you can't sing, you are not allowed to have

sex anymore. Presuming that singing couples

really work. Like Rihanna and Chris Brown. Although in the programme

the two people were ideal for each other. I am convinced that the two

people went home and had sex with each other. I think that they are

together now. Well, look at this, this is the

Choice it is a bit like the Voice. Celebrities select a partner on the

sound of her voice alone. So, I can assure you that I am the

best! Is that right? I am an east coast girl at heart. I live in Sin

City Nevada. I'm a cocktail server on the last Las Vegas strip. I love

to party. To have a good time. Obviously in that, they all look

loathsome. What did you make of that? Well, the men are really

famous. They are very rich and quite good

looking and single. The last thing that they need is a dating show to

get them more women. They are already getting plenty. Like they

are too lazy to go out to a bar. They could dangle themselves out

there like a maggot in a pond. I'm a professional poker player!

be honest it does not take that much to convince men.

They may as well say something like my vagina is full of beans. Or even

not. All of the women are identical? Yes, it is all identical

hot American women. There is no jeopardy! Hot damaged

American women in cocktail dresses, who have not ended up on porn.

This is a rung above porn? Yes. would feel comfortable in the game

was reversed. What about a show called Glory Hole.

Someone who has to stick their penis through. It could be a woman,

a goat, your dad and that's it. You are going on a date.

I know what dad is like. It will probably be OK. Great, I love dad's

favourite restaurant. There was this king called Richard III. No-

one knew where he was. Then they found him again. He had been hiding

in the ground. Kings don't normally do that. There was this really

interesting thing about it. Like CSI but in Leicester. With this man

from Horrible His and a woman in love with king Richard, even though

he is dead like Demi Moore in ghost. It is all clinical. It is clinical.

It is really difficult seeing him laid out like this.

Gosh, I'm sorry. I can't... People kept saying had died on a

battlefield, but he didn't, he died in a car park. The car park is only

open Monday to Friday. He must have died on a weekday. In the old

photos, king Richard had dog ears but they are rotted away. You could

see he was half a human, half a dinosaur. Because they had a skull

they could make his head and show exactly what the eyebrows looked

like and whether he plucked them or not. You can tell them from a skull.

What is weird is that the likeness that they made looks like what they

thought he would have looked like any way. That shows how accurate

the plastercine stuff is. This is an historic moment in the story of

Leicester. It really put Leicester I thought mum was taking care of

myself bones. I didn't get it, but what I learned is that vitamin Z

important on top. It helps the body to absorb.

That is good. That is how vitamin D works.

It really made me think. Yes, you used mum's accident to

flog some yoghurt. Food! In a time for supermarkets,

that is difficult, Tesco withdraws horse contaminated burgers, Aldi is