Episode 4 Charlie Brooker's Weekly Wipe

This programme contains adult Hello. I'm Charlie Brooker and you

are watching Weekly Wipe. Britain's least comfortable man. David

Cameron was surprised by the reception he received from the One

Direction, but he he doesn't know he is beautiful. Scenes caught on

Panorama as Iceland's boss spells out his meat meat testing policy.

B beef. Obesity footage. And young British

backpacker finds himself stranded in Daybreak.

I am happy to say that Sam and his mum, Claire, join us from Australia.

We start here. The Catholic Church in shock as the

Pope says, "I quit.". The world's holiest man pulled the most

spectacular sickie. Reporters ran around telling everyone the news

about the Pope's resignation and let me tell you, they were shocked.

Truly shocked. Oh, I'm so shocked.

See! I mean who can believe it? The Pope has resigned. You are joking.

The Pope? Oh my god.

As you could see, papal traditions include being carted around in a

Perspex box and posing for merchandise, appearing on Jools

Holland and as captured on Vatican television, watching young men

peeling their clothes off, before forming a big tower as the nuns

look on. He had enough and announced his departure. I hope God

will give him a good reference. At least Benedict was polite enough

to resune. The last Pope just stopped showing up to work. We got

how good a Pope he was. Pope Benedict, a man of wisdom,

there is no such thing as instant wis do.

-- wisdom. Anyway, now the Pope had poped off,

the news was concern with who was next? Peck was old when he got the

-- Pope Benedict was old when he got the job.

The news began profiling the youthful new candidates in scenes

which resembled beat'em up. Peter Turkson wins.

Or a run-down of competitors in the over 75s category on X Factor.

Maybe Louis Walsh would come in and get them to form a group. There was

the possibility of a black Pope. A black Pope sounds like a new

Quentin Tarantino movie. I guess you could say it would be a dark

reboot for the Pope franchise if you were racist.

Anyway, we will have to wait until March to find out who is going to

play Popeman. You can tell when it has has happened because the white

smoke comes out and he comes out with a new head on, the Pope does

that. You are joking, the Pope? Oh my god.

You know what it is like when something you have seen gets

snapped up by Hollywood and makes it more violent and crowd pleasing,

well they have down that with a Raoul Moat story or the Christopher

Dorner story. He had the looks of Danny Glover and the insanity of

Mel Gibson. The US news was recounting this tale of a former LA

PD officer on the run vowing revenge against everyone he said

had crossed him. They present it had like a thriller. Of course, he

know has he is doing, we trained him.

A manhunt for one of his own. He was a member of the of the armed

forces. He is armed and dangerous.

Dorner vanish forcing the news to construct a full blown panic from a

handful of photographs and blurry CCTV and countless alarm graphics.

Some US news outfits went out of their way not to glorify the killer

with CNN's Anderson Cooper using the killer's name as little as

possible. Everybody knows the person's name.

A shot of the times these shooters want attention. They want their

names to live on. The news networks were flinging

every dorn every Dorner person. is a 300lb dummy. In is 300lbs.

This is a strong man? Right. And treated to reminders of his

arsenal. He Weaponry that he might be able to shoot into the sky. P.

If America banned guns, the only way for maniacs to become famous is

to sing on talent shows. Dorner's minute was being -- mind was being

probed. He is a classic 81 nar narsasist.

Thank you. A good interview.

What are you up to after the rampage? The news was pouring over

Dorner's manifesto. This Is my last resort the LAPD suppressed the

truth and it led to deadly consequences.

He listed celebrities he liked and praised Michelle Obama's new fringe.

As well as haircuts, he praised left-wingers like Mia Farrow and

Hillary Clinton. Dorner's admiration for left-wingers annoyed

Sean Hannity. Those on the left are dismissing the notion that his

shooting his rampage had anything to do with his political ideology.

Just Just because this guy liked left-wingers, I don't like him, I

blame them. You blame him. Yes, do I not blame

them. Gazza turned up offering to help out in the Raoul Moat story.

Christopher Dorner there, is Charlie Sheen. You mentioned me in

your manifesto. Thank you for your kind words. I am urging you to call

me. Let's figure out together how to end this thing.

We should work out to end this thing. If you ask me, this third

act is kind of depressing, Chris. The third act panned out like any

modern blockbuster, there was speeding cars and more guns and a

violent siege finale. Then as the vulture cam circled on

all news networks the police set fire to the cabin and Christopher

Dorner perished inside. Of course, this kind of thing has

become so repetitive in the US, it is a movie everyone has seen before

about 100 times and so it came to pass that as Christopher Dorner's

corpse burnt on live television, an unimpressed Bill O'Reilly through

languidly to a break. We believe that if the Associated

Press is correct that this guy is toast. All right, he is either

probably dead, either by suicide or the police got him. But we will

keep you posted and we will be back in a moment.

There was this programme called Wonderful Life which was about how

science did all the life. It was like this holiday thing where Marco

went out of Take That goes around the world and looks like things

like he is on an album cover or one of his unpopular solo projects. Tas

lovely holiday and then something goes wrong.

He is on his own and he looks like he is thinking and you are like,

this is trouble. And sure enough, he starts saying all this moody

stuff. What is it that makes something

alive? What is the difference between the living and the dead?

What is life... Well, my friend Paul went to Thailand, he a bad

pill and ended up crying and trying to run into the sea for three weeks

and this is just like that. It is like he had a bad pill. He walks

around all night, through a sort of burning graveyard until he starts

sounding all stoned and depressed. It is hard to accept when you die,

you will stop existing and you are, your life, the essence of you, is

just really something that emerges from an inan mat bag of stuff.

That's when his mind totally snaps and he spends the rest of his

holiday spiralling out of control. He builds stuff out of bottles.

stuff he says gets madder and madder until you are like, "Someone

has to step in and get this bloke help." The chicken is radiating

disorder out into the wider universe. And it is sad because he

really wants you to understand what he is on about. He doesn't know it

is pointless. Then he starts peaking and has all these crazy man

visions where he sees the whole galaxy in his head and he describes

this hippie stuff. Just by by being alive, we too, are

part of the process of energy transformation that drives the

evolution of the universe. And then he looks calm and you realise that

he thinks he found the meaning of life. Even though he is past help,

you think, "Fair enough mate, good for you. Enjoy the rest of your

holiday. Try and not to run into the sea.". I wonder what is going

on in the world? Our main store story at at least one meteor has

come down in sen Central London injuring at least 500 people.

Christ. Oh my god. Forgive me, I think said Central London, I meant

central Russia. Thank God for that. Russia has been

destroyed. This a series of pant browning

images, great God almighty tossed a rock at the Earth which resembled a

game of Angry Birds. News Channels had been in training for the end of

the world. The blast blew out windows and rocked offices and

disrupted charming school lessons and injured hundreds, but looked

amazing on telly. A massive asteroid was headed for

our fragile earth bauble and the scientists who were promise it

wouldn't hit us were the same ones who hadn't seen the Russian meteor

coming. The One Show put a clock on the

screen. Life continues. In the event, the near miss looked

painfully boring compared to the Michael story. Guess who has got

the highest score of all time on asteroids? Yes, that's right, the

Pope. You are joking, the Pope? Oh my god.

This is a poem about ast asteroid. An asteroid was heading to earth.

Obama bolt and The Queen hired a meeting room above a pub and after

some some some banter they hatched a plan. Russian timber and Indian

rope and then god himself would swing out and catch the asteroid in

the net and the French would eat it. Everyone on the planet who had an

access to a telly and an interest in current affairs tuned in to

watch their press conference, during which the asteroid hit and

everyone apart from some Eskimoes were wiped out. That particular

telly cast was all the Eskimoes spoke about as they fished for for

seals and drank heavily. You know who comes across well?

People in reality shows. I will tell you agrees with that statement,

Doug Stanhope. I am Doug Stanhope and that's why I

drink. At some point in the history of

reality TV, they realised as long as we have one as hole on the TV,

people will watch. We have a bunch of people who are going to sing

sing horrible songs so badly that you wouldn't want to hear them from

the original artist. If fucking Daniel came on my car stereo. Why

would I watch a show with amateurs? You will have a guy that that will

better will berate them? Once they have that formula set, they realise

we can use this in any setting for a reality show as long as there is

an ass hole. OK, we got an American chopper, you are watching people

build a motorcycle, how interesting can that be? Wait, the father is a

shit head and he is mean to everybody. Let's tune in again and

see how this goes. I am going to (BLEEP) We should have moved these

out, jackass. Ask yourself would I watch this in in real life? Would I

go to a pawn shop and stand around waiting for someone to cash in

their valuables to pay their fucking cable bill or buy more

rock? No. You would if you added an imba seal like this guy. They have

to have depleted the supply of dicks on the planet.

People aren't dicky enough. Storage Wars is a show where they they bid

on abandoned storage units. When he bids, he will go... 500 bucks.

1,000. That's all you got in this market?

You need to go to Dick School, my friend. You could take dick lessons.

Not only is this show a weak, carbon copy of Kitchen Nightmares

who had a dick in Gordon Ramsay. All he knows is he has to be a dick

so he is a dick all the time. How dare you pick up warm chicken

and pick up cheese with your hand and pick up spices with your hand.

Shame on you. Shut it down. Nobody eats.

He is an ass hole when he is talking to the camera. He can't

even turn it on. If these people don't shape up, I will fire

everyone one of them. I can't contain myself. He is not a

great employee, he is a lazy slob. Don't rope me into this. I am a guy

on a couch. All these shows have created a culture where people want

to be dicks. Kids are looking up at the TV going, "I hope I can be that

big of a dick one day." I hope I don't have to go to acting school.

I just have to be a really good fucking ass hole. Fuck Gary Oldman

this guy has to do work. This guy is a jerk off.

Royalty And as mucky foreign magazines publish pictures of

pregnant Kate, Quentin Letts condemn their publication.

They have published photos of our Kate and she has got her little

bump appearing, of course. There are people saying that this is an

invasion of privacy, I think they may have a point.

Quentin's argument - This Morning showed the shot.

This magazine should be called cheap.

And this programme is called This Morning. Perhaps thanks to that

bikini flash, it should be called This Porning.

Quentin was was prepared to stand up for the British press.

There has been a lot of talk about the rotten old British press and we

are beyond the the pail. The internet version of Quentin's

paper, the Daily Mail ran photos of woods of Evan Rachel Wood's unborn

baby. Thereby, unsetting a non- Royal pregnant woman. The day after

that, the Sun newspaper also flew the flag for British journalism by

running a different bikini snap on the front page of Jubious Judgement.

The press often treats women like whores or pieces of meat, or

whoresmeat. You know who likes horsemeat? You are joking, the

Pope? The decision by an Italian magazine to print snaps of a

pregnant duchess. This is what you think, it is your thoughts, your

words, your soul. It is Points of a view in Points Of View.

Printing pictures of pregnant women is impertinent particularly when

the woman involved is a Royal. She is indeed, the Queen's daughter,

the dim boa it -- dimbo Italians don't realise that. Not everyone

was overwhelmed with sympathy with Kate. Someone visited the Guardian

to say, "Enough of this shit. If this family wants to put itself as

the representative of GB, they can hardly complain when someone takes

photographs.". We will try and pass that on to the department

responsible. Skyfall came out on DVD this week. It is the 2,000th

film starring James Bond. It is the longest running franchise in movie

history if you don't count amateur pornography. In an odd departure,

he makes overtures to Bond. What makes you think this is my first

time? Oh, Mr Mr Bond. Alongside booms and bangs, there

are reminder that James Bond is a bit on the old side. Bond Superiors

discuss. You don't need to be an operative to see the obvious. It is

a young man's game. Skyfall doubles as a big budget on

whether the Bond archetype belongs in the 21st century. Yes, he does.

A shit load of people have to die to prove that point. Despite not

making much more sense than me going... Skyfall is entertaining

from start to bum end and has a bit where James Bond makes the most

most James Bondan entrance of all time. Well, he can do that kind of

thing. He is James Bond. Joining me are Jesse Armstrong and I see and

Izzy Suity. You carry a loaded firearm. Yes.

Have you got it on you? Yes. James Bond is like the guy who gets

a nosebleed. It is like Colin Staples.

I liked Skyfall. It was a good James Bond film. I think they are

for children, really, but you know, within the category of James Bond

films, I thought it was a good one. What I really like, there is no

sub-text really in the script or or the acting. If he is cross, he will

look cross. If he hurts his hand, he goes.

LAUGHTER There is a bit where he is holding

on to the lift and he goes... LAUGHTER

This is your definition of an enjoyable film. It is clear every

moment this is what is happening. Yes, everyone says what they mean

and everyone looks sad, happy or confused. There is a lot of

romancing that generally goes on in Bond films. There is not so much in

this one, but he walks into a woman's shower without... Asking

her. Asking her consent.

That bit is worrying, isn't it? It is constructed like a joke. There

is a woman who is sort of in sexual bondage to this man and then the

joke is somebody is walking up behind her, pressing themselves

against her and a, aah, it is all right, it is it is James Bond.

There would be a different tone if you could see James Bond'ser

rection. -- -- -- James Bond's erection. Or if he had half an

erection. Clearly, James Bond is a dick. He

is the sort of person, you would meet him at a barbecue and he would

be looking at his enormous watch and trying to move on and go home

and read his car magazine. I think he is just a wanker.

I can't imagine him making small talk at a barbecue.

I don't think he would would invest in a conversation for long.

Defecation and Andrex send Dawn Porter to foist bog roll on people.

I am here to talk about bums. Dawn Porter encourages them to plop

and white. Not as nice as I thought they would

What have you been eating? Horse. Andrex wants to promote a

conversation on bum wiping techniques by asking if we scrunch

toilet paper or fold it. Don't be square, scrunch.

Fabulous, fold. Scrunch like me, number three.

I can't wait for the next one if they ask if you ever got a bit of

shit shit on your fingers. This is the next step. First, it will it

will how do you wipe and next, can I watch you do it. Andrex will be

filming it on a smartphone. Behave. As the horsemeat scandal scandal

continues, the news continues to turn your TV into an abattoir. All

this meat coverage is the sort of thing that makes vegetarians happy

or it would if they had the energy to experience happiness. Sky News

had testimony from an informer in the meat industry, who turned out

to be the biggest meat whistle- blower since your mum. Horsemeat is

showing up everything where, you can't even pop out for a crafty fag

without finding horsemeat in your cigarette. The question is, where

is it all coming from from? The horsemeat scandal more fd into the

international horsemeat scandal as reporters pursued the trail of

edible hooves. Our food is locally sourced, but only in galactic terms.

Journalist touched down in France and eventually Romania. Any attempt

to get our cameras into abattoirs or meat processing factories in

Romania has been met with the same answer - no.

There was an indication that Romania is a medieval hamlet where

horses are used as machinery. The Romanian abattoir industry managed

to dig up the least convincing representative imagine imaginable.

A man smoking with a floor with an array of animal skulls.

Horsemeat. The end by beef meat. No sooner had the news landed in

foreign land then food food cops moved in. They raided premises in