Episode 4 Charlie Brooker's Weekly Wipe

Episode 4

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This programme contains adult Hello. I'm Charlie Brooker and you


are watching Weekly Wipe. Britain's least comfortable man. David


Cameron was surprised by the reception he received from the One


Direction, but he he doesn't know he is beautiful. Scenes caught on


Panorama as Iceland's boss spells out his meat meat testing policy.


B beef. Obesity footage. And young British


backpacker finds himself stranded in Daybreak.


I am happy to say that Sam and his mum, Claire, join us from Australia.


We start here. The Catholic Church in shock as the


Pope says, "I quit.". The world's holiest man pulled the most


spectacular sickie. Reporters ran around telling everyone the news


about the Pope's resignation and let me tell you, they were shocked.


Truly shocked. Oh, I'm so shocked.


See! I mean who can believe it? The Pope has resigned. You are joking.


The Pope? Oh my god.


As you could see, papal traditions include being carted around in a


Perspex box and posing for merchandise, appearing on Jools


Holland and as captured on Vatican television, watching young men


peeling their clothes off, before forming a big tower as the nuns


look on. He had enough and announced his departure. I hope God


will give him a good reference. At least Benedict was polite enough


to resune. The last Pope just stopped showing up to work. We got


how good a Pope he was. Pope Benedict, a man of wisdom,


there is no such thing as instant wis do.


-- wisdom. Anyway, now the Pope had poped off,


the news was concern with who was next? Peck was old when he got the


-- Pope Benedict was old when he got the job.


The news began profiling the youthful new candidates in scenes


which resembled beat'em up. Peter Turkson wins.


Or a run-down of competitors in the over 75s category on X Factor.


Maybe Louis Walsh would come in and get them to form a group. There was


the possibility of a black Pope. A black Pope sounds like a new


Quentin Tarantino movie. I guess you could say it would be a dark


reboot for the Pope franchise if you were racist.


Anyway, we will have to wait until March to find out who is going to


play Popeman. You can tell when it has has happened because the white


smoke comes out and he comes out with a new head on, the Pope does


that. You are joking, the Pope? Oh my god.


You know what it is like when something you have seen gets


snapped up by Hollywood and makes it more violent and crowd pleasing,


well they have down that with a Raoul Moat story or the Christopher


Dorner story. He had the looks of Danny Glover and the insanity of


Mel Gibson. The US news was recounting this tale of a former LA


PD officer on the run vowing revenge against everyone he said


had crossed him. They present it had like a thriller. Of course, he


know has he is doing, we trained him.


A manhunt for one of his own. He was a member of the of the armed


forces. He is armed and dangerous.


Dorner vanish forcing the news to construct a full blown panic from a


handful of photographs and blurry CCTV and countless alarm graphics.


Some US news outfits went out of their way not to glorify the killer


with CNN's Anderson Cooper using the killer's name as little as


possible. Everybody knows the person's name.


A shot of the times these shooters want attention. They want their


names to live on. The news networks were flinging


every dorn every Dorner person. is a 300lb dummy. In is 300lbs.


This is a strong man? Right. And treated to reminders of his


arsenal. He Weaponry that he might be able to shoot into the sky. P.


If America banned guns, the only way for maniacs to become famous is


to sing on talent shows. Dorner's minute was being -- mind was being


probed. He is a classic 81 nar narsasist.


Thank you. A good interview.


What are you up to after the rampage? The news was pouring over


Dorner's manifesto. This Is my last resort the LAPD suppressed the


truth and it led to deadly consequences.


He listed celebrities he liked and praised Michelle Obama's new fringe.


As well as haircuts, he praised left-wingers like Mia Farrow and


Hillary Clinton. Dorner's admiration for left-wingers annoyed


Sean Hannity. Those on the left are dismissing the notion that his


shooting his rampage had anything to do with his political ideology.


Just Just because this guy liked left-wingers, I don't like him, I


blame them. You blame him. Yes, do I not blame


them. Gazza turned up offering to help out in the Raoul Moat story.


Christopher Dorner there, is Charlie Sheen. You mentioned me in


your manifesto. Thank you for your kind words. I am urging you to call


me. Let's figure out together how to end this thing.


We should work out to end this thing. If you ask me, this third


act is kind of depressing, Chris. The third act panned out like any


modern blockbuster, there was speeding cars and more guns and a


violent siege finale. Then as the vulture cam circled on


all news networks the police set fire to the cabin and Christopher


Dorner perished inside. Of course, this kind of thing has


become so repetitive in the US, it is a movie everyone has seen before


about 100 times and so it came to pass that as Christopher Dorner's


corpse burnt on live television, an unimpressed Bill O'Reilly through


languidly to a break. We believe that if the Associated


Press is correct that this guy is toast. All right, he is either


probably dead, either by suicide or the police got him. But we will


keep you posted and we will be back in a moment.


There was this programme called Wonderful Life which was about how


science did all the life. It was like this holiday thing where Marco


went out of Take That goes around the world and looks like things


like he is on an album cover or one of his unpopular solo projects. Tas


lovely holiday and then something goes wrong.


He is on his own and he looks like he is thinking and you are like,


this is trouble. And sure enough, he starts saying all this moody


stuff. What is it that makes something


alive? What is the difference between the living and the dead?


What is life... Well, my friend Paul went to Thailand, he a bad


pill and ended up crying and trying to run into the sea for three weeks


and this is just like that. It is like he had a bad pill. He walks


around all night, through a sort of burning graveyard until he starts


sounding all stoned and depressed. It is hard to accept when you die,


you will stop existing and you are, your life, the essence of you, is


just really something that emerges from an inan mat bag of stuff.


That's when his mind totally snaps and he spends the rest of his


holiday spiralling out of control. He builds stuff out of bottles.


stuff he says gets madder and madder until you are like, "Someone


has to step in and get this bloke help." The chicken is radiating


disorder out into the wider universe. And it is sad because he


really wants you to understand what he is on about. He doesn't know it


is pointless. Then he starts peaking and has all these crazy man


visions where he sees the whole galaxy in his head and he describes


this hippie stuff. Just by by being alive, we too, are


part of the process of energy transformation that drives the


evolution of the universe. And then he looks calm and you realise that


he thinks he found the meaning of life. Even though he is past help,


you think, "Fair enough mate, good for you. Enjoy the rest of your


holiday. Try and not to run into the sea.". I wonder what is going


on in the world? Our main store story at at least one meteor has


come down in sen Central London injuring at least 500 people.


Christ. Oh my god. Forgive me, I think said Central London, I meant


central Russia. Thank God for that. Russia has been


destroyed. This a series of pant browning


images, great God almighty tossed a rock at the Earth which resembled a


game of Angry Birds. News Channels had been in training for the end of


the world. The blast blew out windows and rocked offices and


disrupted charming school lessons and injured hundreds, but looked


amazing on telly. A massive asteroid was headed for


our fragile earth bauble and the scientists who were promise it


wouldn't hit us were the same ones who hadn't seen the Russian meteor


coming. The One Show put a clock on the


screen. Life continues. In the event, the near miss looked


painfully boring compared to the Michael story. Guess who has got


the highest score of all time on asteroids? Yes, that's right, the


Pope. You are joking, the Pope? Oh my god.


This is a poem about ast asteroid. An asteroid was heading to earth.


Obama bolt and The Queen hired a meeting room above a pub and after


some some some banter they hatched a plan. Russian timber and Indian


rope and then god himself would swing out and catch the asteroid in


the net and the French would eat it. Everyone on the planet who had an


access to a telly and an interest in current affairs tuned in to


watch their press conference, during which the asteroid hit and


everyone apart from some Eskimoes were wiped out. That particular


telly cast was all the Eskimoes spoke about as they fished for for


seals and drank heavily. You know who comes across well?


People in reality shows. I will tell you agrees with that statement,


Doug Stanhope. I am Doug Stanhope and that's why I


drink. At some point in the history of


reality TV, they realised as long as we have one as hole on the TV,


people will watch. We have a bunch of people who are going to sing


sing horrible songs so badly that you wouldn't want to hear them from


the original artist. If fucking Daniel came on my car stereo. Why


would I watch a show with amateurs? You will have a guy that that will


better will berate them? Once they have that formula set, they realise


we can use this in any setting for a reality show as long as there is


an ass hole. OK, we got an American chopper, you are watching people


build a motorcycle, how interesting can that be? Wait, the father is a


shit head and he is mean to everybody. Let's tune in again and


see how this goes. I am going to (BLEEP) We should have moved these


out, jackass. Ask yourself would I watch this in in real life? Would I


go to a pawn shop and stand around waiting for someone to cash in


their valuables to pay their fucking cable bill or buy more


rock? No. You would if you added an imba seal like this guy. They have


to have depleted the supply of dicks on the planet.


People aren't dicky enough. Storage Wars is a show where they they bid


on abandoned storage units. When he bids, he will go... 500 bucks.


1,000. That's all you got in this market?


You need to go to Dick School, my friend. You could take dick lessons.


Not only is this show a weak, carbon copy of Kitchen Nightmares


who had a dick in Gordon Ramsay. All he knows is he has to be a dick


so he is a dick all the time. How dare you pick up warm chicken


and pick up cheese with your hand and pick up spices with your hand.


Shame on you. Shut it down. Nobody eats.


He is an ass hole when he is talking to the camera. He can't


even turn it on. If these people don't shape up, I will fire


everyone one of them. I can't contain myself. He is not a


great employee, he is a lazy slob. Don't rope me into this. I am a guy


on a couch. All these shows have created a culture where people want


to be dicks. Kids are looking up at the TV going, "I hope I can be that


big of a dick one day." I hope I don't have to go to acting school.


I just have to be a really good fucking ass hole. Fuck Gary Oldman


this guy has to do work. This guy is a jerk off.


Royalty And as mucky foreign magazines publish pictures of


pregnant Kate, Quentin Letts condemn their publication.


They have published photos of our Kate and she has got her little


bump appearing, of course. There are people saying that this is an


invasion of privacy, I think they may have a point.


Quentin's argument - This Morning showed the shot.


This magazine should be called cheap.


And this programme is called This Morning. Perhaps thanks to that


bikini flash, it should be called This Porning.


Quentin was was prepared to stand up for the British press.


There has been a lot of talk about the rotten old British press and we


are beyond the the pail. The internet version of Quentin's


paper, the Daily Mail ran photos of woods of Evan Rachel Wood's unborn


baby. Thereby, unsetting a non- Royal pregnant woman. The day after


that, the Sun newspaper also flew the flag for British journalism by


running a different bikini snap on the front page of Jubious Judgement.


The press often treats women like whores or pieces of meat, or


whoresmeat. You know who likes horsemeat? You are joking, the


Pope? The decision by an Italian magazine to print snaps of a


pregnant duchess. This is what you think, it is your thoughts, your


words, your soul. It is Points of a view in Points Of View.


Printing pictures of pregnant women is impertinent particularly when


the woman involved is a Royal. She is indeed, the Queen's daughter,


the dim boa it -- dimbo Italians don't realise that. Not everyone


was overwhelmed with sympathy with Kate. Someone visited the Guardian


to say, "Enough of this shit. If this family wants to put itself as


the representative of GB, they can hardly complain when someone takes


photographs.". We will try and pass that on to the department


responsible. Skyfall came out on DVD this week. It is the 2,000th


film starring James Bond. It is the longest running franchise in movie


history if you don't count amateur pornography. In an odd departure,


he makes overtures to Bond. What makes you think this is my first


time? Oh, Mr Mr Bond. Alongside booms and bangs, there


are reminder that James Bond is a bit on the old side. Bond Superiors


discuss. You don't need to be an operative to see the obvious. It is


a young man's game. Skyfall doubles as a big budget on


whether the Bond archetype belongs in the 21st century. Yes, he does.


A shit load of people have to die to prove that point. Despite not


making much more sense than me going... Skyfall is entertaining


from start to bum end and has a bit where James Bond makes the most


most James Bondan entrance of all time. Well, he can do that kind of


thing. He is James Bond. Joining me are Jesse Armstrong and I see and


Izzy Suity. You carry a loaded firearm. Yes.


Have you got it on you? Yes. James Bond is like the guy who gets


a nosebleed. It is like Colin Staples.


I liked Skyfall. It was a good James Bond film. I think they are


for children, really, but you know, within the category of James Bond


films, I thought it was a good one. What I really like, there is no


sub-text really in the script or or the acting. If he is cross, he will


look cross. If he hurts his hand, he goes.


LAUGHTER There is a bit where he is holding


on to the lift and he goes... LAUGHTER


This is your definition of an enjoyable film. It is clear every


moment this is what is happening. Yes, everyone says what they mean


and everyone looks sad, happy or confused. There is a lot of


romancing that generally goes on in Bond films. There is not so much in


this one, but he walks into a woman's shower without... Asking


her. Asking her consent.


That bit is worrying, isn't it? It is constructed like a joke. There


is a woman who is sort of in sexual bondage to this man and then the


joke is somebody is walking up behind her, pressing themselves


against her and a, aah, it is all right, it is it is James Bond.


There would be a different tone if you could see James Bond'ser


rection. -- -- -- James Bond's erection. Or if he had half an


erection. Clearly, James Bond is a dick. He


is the sort of person, you would meet him at a barbecue and he would


be looking at his enormous watch and trying to move on and go home


and read his car magazine. I think he is just a wanker.


I can't imagine him making small talk at a barbecue.


I don't think he would would invest in a conversation for long.


Defecation and Andrex send Dawn Porter to foist bog roll on people.


I am here to talk about bums. Dawn Porter encourages them to plop


and white. Not as nice as I thought they would


What have you been eating? Horse. Andrex wants to promote a


conversation on bum wiping techniques by asking if we scrunch


toilet paper or fold it. Don't be square, scrunch.


Fabulous, fold. Scrunch like me, number three.


I can't wait for the next one if they ask if you ever got a bit of


shit shit on your fingers. This is the next step. First, it will it


will how do you wipe and next, can I watch you do it. Andrex will be


filming it on a smartphone. Behave. As the horsemeat scandal scandal


continues, the news continues to turn your TV into an abattoir. All


this meat coverage is the sort of thing that makes vegetarians happy


or it would if they had the energy to experience happiness. Sky News


had testimony from an informer in the meat industry, who turned out


to be the biggest meat whistle- blower since your mum. Horsemeat is


showing up everything where, you can't even pop out for a crafty fag


without finding horsemeat in your cigarette. The question is, where


is it all coming from from? The horsemeat scandal more fd into the


international horsemeat scandal as reporters pursued the trail of


edible hooves. Our food is locally sourced, but only in galactic terms.


Journalist touched down in France and eventually Romania. Any attempt


to get our cameras into abattoirs or meat processing factories in


Romania has been met with the same answer - no.


There was an indication that Romania is a medieval hamlet where


horses are used as machinery. The Romanian abattoir industry managed


to dig up the least convincing representative imagine imaginable.


A man smoking with a floor with an array of animal skulls.


Horsemeat. The end by beef meat. No sooner had the news landed in


foreign land then food food cops moved in. They raided premises in


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