Episode 5 Charlie Brooker's Weekly Wipe

THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS SOME STRONG LANGUAGE

LANGUAGE LANGUAGE

LANGUAGE This is Weekly Wipe, a show about

This is Weekly Wipe, a show about This is Weekly Wipe, a show about

things that are happening, things like this:

like this: Political harassment crisis, Lib

Political harassment crisis, Lib Political harassment crisis, Lib

Dems accused of rubbing millions up Dems accused of rubbing millions up

Dems accused of rubbing millions up the wrong way while in office.

the wrong way while in office. the wrong way while in office.

Scotland's top cardinal steps down, Scotland's top cardinal steps down,

Scotland's top cardinal steps down, Catholic Church unhappy with The

Catholic Church unhappy with The Catholic Church unhappy with The

Life of O'Brien. There are rumours Life of O'Brien. There are rumours

Life of O'Brien. There are rumours an institution somewhere may be

an institution somewhere may be harbouring appropriate behaviour.

harbouring appropriate behaviour. harbouring appropriate behaviour.

In astonishing scenes, having won In astonishing scenes, having won

In astonishing scenes, having won the New Orleans Half Marathon, Mo

the New Orleans Half Marathon, Mo the New Orleans Half Marathon, Mo

the New Orleans Half Marathon, Mo Farah was in a 10,000 metre cringe.

Farah was in a 10,000 metre cringe. Farah was in a 10,000 metre cringe.

Farah was in a 10,000 metre cringe. Haven't you run before? That is the

Haven't you run before? That is the Haven't you run before? That is the

Haven't you run before? That is the sort of thing that's been going on

sort of thing that's been going on but we start here.

but we start here. So-called Blade Runner, Oscar

So-called Blade Runner, Oscar Pistorius overcame disability to

Pistorius overcame disability to Pistorius overcame disability to

become a Paralympian and hero to become a Paralympian and hero to

millions. His girlfriend Reeva millions. His girlfriend Reeva

millions. His girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp was a model and celebrity.

Steenkamp was a model and celebrity. Steenkamp was a model and celebrity.

Steenkamp has been killed and Steenkamp has been killed and

Steenkamp has been killed and Steenkamp has been killed and

Pistorius is at the centre of the Pistorius is at the centre of the

Pistorius is at the centre of the most sensational news coverage in

most sensational news coverage in most sensational news coverage in

years. Oscar Pistorius charged with years. Oscar Pistorius charged with

years. Oscar Pistorius charged with shooting dead his girlfriend at his

shooting dead his girlfriend at his shooting dead his girlfriend at his

home. He will appear in court home. He will appear in court

home. He will appear in court tomorrow morning. It's left South

tomorrow morning. It's left South tomorrow morning. It's left South

Africa and the sporting world in Africa and the sporting world in

Africa and the sporting world in shock. A murder case involving a

shock. A murder case involving a shock. A murder case involving a

shock. A murder case involving a super model and one of the biggest

super model and one of the biggest super model and one of the biggest

athletes in the world was athletes in the world was

athletes in the world was irrestistible to the media. It was

irrestistible to the media. It was irrestistible to the media. It was

a crime story that interested the a crime story that interested the

entertainment media, too. Pistorius entertainment media, too. Pistorius

entertainment media, too. Pistorius hired a high-profile defence team

hired a high-profile defence team hired a high-profile defence team

hired a high-profile defence team setting the stage for a real real

setting the stage for a real real setting the stage for a real real

courtroom drama. His bail hearing courtroom drama. His bail hearing

courtroom drama. His bail hearing was postponed until Tuesday.

was postponed until Tuesday. was postponed until Tuesday.

Pistorius's bail hearing began it Pistorius's bail hearing began it

Pistorius's bail hearing began it was clear the world's reporters

was clear the world's reporters was clear the world's reporters

was clear the world's reporters could keep a close eye on him

could keep a close eye on him could keep a close eye on him

throughout, at times likening it to throughout, at times likening it to

throughout, at times likening it to throughout, at times likening it to

a sporting event. As many eyes were a sporting event. As many eyes were

a sporting event. As many eyes were a sporting event. As many eyes were

trained on Pistorius in the dock as trained on Pistorius in the dock as

trained on Pistorius in the dock as trained on Pistorius in the dock as

in any stadium he has performed in. in any stadium he has performed in.

in any stadium he has performed in. More to 'discus' than any decathlon.

More to 'discus' than any decathlon. More to 'discus' than any decathlon.

More to 'discus' than any decathlon. The trial had begun, in a sense

The trial had begun, in a sense The trial had begun, in a sense

The trial had begun, in a sense The trial had begun, in a sense

with all of us in the role of juror. with all of us in the role of juror.

Accused murderer and Olympic Accused murderer and Olympic

Accused murderer and Olympic athlete Oscar Pistorius. We were

athlete Oscar Pistorius. We were athlete Oscar Pistorius. We were

treat today video game recreations treat today video game recreations

treat today video game recreations of the crime scene. And lengthy

of the crime scene. And lengthy speculation over the conflicting

speculation over the conflicting accounts. There are indications

accounts. There are indications accounts. There are indications

that steroids may have played a that steroids may have played a

that steroids may have played a part here. He screams and fires

part here. He screams and fires part here. He screams and fires

through the door, it is not through the door, it is not

through the door, it is not playsible. The news seemed to be

playsible. The news seemed to be playsible. The news seemed to be

playsible. The news seemed to be simply to look at the accused and

simply to look at the accused and simply to look at the accused and

simply to look at the accused and simply to look at the accused and

let us get a good look at him, too. let us get a good look at him, too.

let us get a good look at him, too. let us get a good look at him, too.

A wall of cameras to greet him in A wall of cameras to greet him in

courtroom C. Paralympic athlete courtroom C. Paralympic athlete

courtroom C. Paralympic athlete still struggling to control his

still struggling to control his emotions. Interpreting those

emotions. Interpreting those emotions. Interpreting those

emotions became a prime focus of emotions became a prime focus of

emotions became a prime focus of the coverage. He seemed tormented

the coverage. He seemed tormented the coverage. He seemed tormented

at times, his hands crossed, his at times, his hands crossed, his

at times, his hands crossed, his at times, his hands crossed, his

eyes raw. Tell me how far away were eyes raw. Tell me how far away were

eyes raw. Tell me how far away were eyes raw. Tell me how far away were

you from him in court and what did you from him in court and what did

you from him in court and what did you see? I was approximately five

you see? I was approximately five you see? I was approximately five

you see? I was approximately five to ten metres away, I could see a

to ten metres away, I could see a to ten metres away, I could see a

very sombre and upset human being, very sombre and upset human being,

very sombre and upset human being, perhaps realising that the real

perhaps realising that the real perhaps realising that the real

gravity of the situation. Most of gravity of the situation. Most of

gravity of the situation. Most of the time those emotions were fairly

the time those emotions were fairly the time those emotions were fairly

the time those emotions were fairly easy to read because he was crying.

easy to read because he was crying. easy to read because he was crying.

easy to read because he was crying. The news seemed to tell us how

The news seemed to tell us how The news seemed to tell us how

The news seemed to tell us how important it was how often he he

important it was how often he he important it was how often he he

important it was how often he he wept. He has broken down in tears.

wept. He has broken down in tears. wept. He has broken down in tears.

wept. He has broken down in tears. At every mention of the word murder,

At every mention of the word murder, At every mention of the word murder,

the Paralympic Blade Runner sobbed the Paralympic Blade Runner sobbed

the Paralympic Blade Runner sobbed in court today. Reporters weren't

in court today. Reporters weren't in court today. Reporters weren't

allowed to film during proceedings, allowed to film during proceedings,

allowed to film during proceedings, but during recess they could use

but during recess they could use but during recess they could use

smartphone technology to show us smartphone technology to show us

smartphone technology to show us smartphone technology to show us

the courtroom. We can hook up with the courtroom. We can hook up with

the courtroom. We can hook up with our special correspondent on her

our special correspondent on her our special correspondent on her

iPhone inside the courtroom. Which iPhone inside the courtroom. Which

iPhone inside the courtroom. Which iPhone inside the courtroom. Which

meant even more up to the minute meant even more up to the minute

meant even more up to the minute crying bulletins. Every time his

crying bulletins. Every time his crying bulletins. Every time his

girlfriend's name was mentioned, he girlfriend's name was mentioned, he

girlfriend's name was mentioned, he burst into tears. Sometimes sobbing

burst into tears. Sometimes sobbing quite uncontrollably, his shoulders

quite uncontrollably, his shoulders quite uncontrollably, his shoulders

heaving. That wasn't the only way heaving. That wasn't the only way

heaving. That wasn't the only way to keep up-to-date. Keep up with

to keep up-to-date. Keep up with the latest, follow our

the latest, follow our the latest, follow our

correspondent on Twitter. You could correspondent on Twitter. You could

correspondent on Twitter. You could correspondent on Twitter. You could

find out when he wept and whether find out when he wept and whether

find out when he wept and whether find out when he wept and whether

his shoulders shook as he did so in his shoulders shook as he did so in

his shoulders shook as he did so in real time thanks to the reporter's

real time thanks to the reporter's informive Twitter accounts. There

informive Twitter accounts. There informive Twitter accounts. There

were helpful updates on his were helpful updates on his

were helpful updates on his family's emotional state. The group

family's emotional state. The group family's emotional state. The group

family's emotional state. The group of people I am showing you now are

of people I am showing you now are of people I am showing you now are

the family, his sister is sobbing, the family, his sister is sobbing,

the family, his sister is sobbing, his father being comforted by a

his father being comforted by a his father being comforted by a

his father being comforted by a lady whose back you can see.

lady whose back you can see. lady whose back you can see.

his family at times the strain his family at times the strain

his family at times the strain seemed unbearable. They held to

seemed unbearable. They held to seemed unbearable. They held to

each other for support. His brother each other for support. His brother

each other for support. His brother and sister embraced after hearing

and sister embraced after hearing and sister embraced after hearing

the claims. His father sat consumed the claims. His father sat consumed

the claims. His father sat consumed the claims. His father sat consumed

by despair. When the time came for by despair. When the time came for

by despair. When the time came for the bail verdict the tweeting

the bail verdict the tweeting the bail verdict the tweeting

the bail verdict the tweeting stepped up a notch with second by

stepped up a notch with second by second deconstruction on the

Before the magistrate gave his Before the magistrate gave his

Before the magistrate gave his Before the magistrate gave his

verdict, he shared his view on the verdict, he shared his view on the

verdict, he shared his view on the media circus. It does raise the

media circus. It does raise the media circus. It does raise the

picture that the accused is some picture that the accused is some

picture that the accused is some picture that the accused is some

kind of species that the world has kind of species that the world has

kind of species that the world has never seen before. That bit was

never seen before. That bit was never seen before. That bit was

edited out of the nightly reports, edited out of the nightly reports,

edited out of the nightly reports, edited out of the nightly reports,

but to be fair the magistrate did but to be fair the magistrate did

but to be fair the magistrate did but to be fair the magistrate did

need editing. He spoke for so long, need editing. He spoke for so long,

the reporter started retweeting the reporter started retweeting

jokes during his summary. jokes during his summary.

jokes during his summary. Eventually bail was granted giving

Eventually bail was granted giving Eventually bail was granted giving

Eventually bail was granted giving us time for one last crying and

us time for one last crying and us time for one last crying and

shoulders update. As the magistrate shoulders update. As the magistrate

shoulders update. As the magistrate began to announce his decision,

began to announce his decision, Oscar Pistorius slumped, sobbing,

Oscar Pistorius slumped, sobbing, Oscar Pistorius slumped, sobbing,

his shoulders shaking. Then he his shoulders shaking. Then he

his shoulders shaking. Then he swapped the glare of the courtroom

swapped the glare of the courtroom swapped the glare of the courtroom

swapped the glare of the courtroom for the glare of the outside world.

for the glare of the outside world. for the glare of the outside world.

That is Oscar Pistorius, driving to That is Oscar Pistorius, driving to

That is Oscar Pistorius, driving to freedom, he's just got bail and

freedom, he's just got bail and freedom, he's just got bail and

he's driving off down this street. he's driving off down this street.

he's driving off down this street. The sightseeing safari of this

The sightseeing safari of this The sightseeing safari of this

exotic species continued all the exotic species continued all the

exotic species continued all the way into the South African

way into the South African way into the South African

countryside. When the news doesn't countryside. When the news doesn't

countryside. When the news doesn't countryside. When the news doesn't

have many facts, it is content to have many facts, it is content to

have many facts, it is content to have many facts, it is content to

let us sit and look. There are more let us sit and look. There are more

let us sit and look. There are more ways of looking than ever before.

ways of looking than ever before. ways of looking than ever before.

ways of looking than ever before. The end result is that it doesn't

The end result is that it doesn't The end result is that it doesn't

The end result is that it doesn't really feel like news at all, more

really feel like news at all, more really feel like news at all, more

really feel like news at all, more a strange form of sightseeing and a

a strange form of sightseeing and a gathering of emotional souvenirs.

gathering of emotional souvenirs. gathering of emotional souvenirs.

There was this online thing called There was this online thing called

There was this online thing called the Harlem Shake, it was something

the Harlem Shake, it was something the Harlem Shake, it was something

like Alex zain introduced clips of like Alex zain introduced clips of

like Alex zain introduced clips of like Alex zain introduced clips of

in 18 months' time but now and on the internet.

the internet. the internet.

the internet. the internet.

You go to U tube and put in Harlem You go to U tube and put in Harlem

You go to U tube and put in Harlem You go to U tube and put in Harlem

Shake and you would see a big room Shake and you would see a big room

Shake and you would see a big room Shake and you would see a big room

and it would have all these people and it would have all these people

and it would have all these people in and none were doing anything

in and none were doing anything in and none were doing anything

in and none were doing anything apart from one person dancing a bit.

apart from one person dancing a bit. apart from one person dancing a bit.

apart from one person dancing a bit. Then the music music will go all

Then the music music will go all Then the music music will go all

exciting and everyone was dancing exciting and everyone was dancing

like they were crazy. like they were crazy.

like they were crazy. It was literally that amazing. It

It was literally that amazing. It It was literally that amazing. It

was better than Gangnam Style, it's was better than Gangnam Style, it's

was better than Gangnam Style, it's was better than Gangnam Style, it's

harder to do. With Harlem Shake you harder to do. With Harlem Shake you

harder to do. With Harlem Shake you don't have to learn anything.

don't have to learn anything. don't have to learn anything.

Search really flailing around which Search really flailing around which

Search really flailing around which is funly, they are wearing silly

is funly, they are wearing silly is funly, they are wearing silly

things which is funny as well. things which is funny as well.

things which is funny as well. things which is funny as well.

People stay Stuart Lee is funny but People stay Stuart Lee is funny but

People stay Stuart Lee is funny but he's never done anything as funny

he's never done anything as funny he's never done anything as funny

he's never done anything as funny as that. And he never will. Once

as that. And he never will. Once as that. And he never will. Once

as that. And he never will. Once you had seen one video, you had to

you had seen one video, you had to you had seen one video, you had to

see another. The good thing was see another. The good thing was

see another. The good thing was that everyone was uploading their

that everyone was uploading their that everyone was uploading their

that everyone was uploading their own versions, so you got to see

own versions, so you got to see own versions, so you got to see

own versions, so you got to see what it looks like when people in

what it looks like when people in what it looks like when people in

different rooms suddenly all dance. different rooms suddenly all dance.

different rooms suddenly all dance. different rooms suddenly all dance.

It was amazing. You would see a big It was amazing. You would see a big

It was amazing. You would see a big It was amazing. You would see a big

room of people and then they would room of people and then they would

room of people and then they would all be dancing, which was fun.

all be dancing, which was fun. all be dancing, which was fun.

Sometimes you would see people Sometimes you would see people

Sometimes you would see people outside and they would all be

outside and they would all be outside and they would all be

dancing, which was probably more dancing, which was probably more

dancing, which was probably more dancing, which was probably more

fun. Then you would see people in fun. Then you would see people in

fun. Then you would see people in fun. Then you would see people in

an old folks home and they would an old folks home and they would

an old folks home and they would all be dancing, which is funny

all be dancing, which is funny all be dancing, which is funny

because they are old. Then you because they are old. Then you

because they are old. Then you because they are old. Then you

would see another one in an old would see another one in an old

would see another one in an old would see another one in an old

folks home and you would be like, folks home and you would be like,

folks home and you would be like, folks home and you would be like,

OK, I have seen that. Sometimes you OK, I have seen that. Sometimes you

OK, I have seen that. Sometimes you OK, I have seen that. Sometimes you

would see like all warmen with guns would see like all warmen with guns

would see like all warmen with guns would see like all warmen with guns

and stuff and you would hear the and stuff and you would hear the

and stuff and you would hear the and stuff and you would hear the

music and you would think no way, music and you would think no way,

music and you would think no way, music and you would think no way,

music and you would think no way, no way are they going to do the mad

no way are they going to do the mad no way are they going to do the mad

dance, that would be mental but dance, that would be mental but

dance, that would be mental but then they do it anyway.

then they do it anyway. then they do it anyway.

then they do it anyway. It shows men who have been trained

It shows men who have been trained It shows men who have been trained

It shows men who have been trained to kill have been handed impl memts

to kill have been handed impl memts to kill have been handed impl memts

to kill have been handed impl memts of death by the state still like to

of death by the state still like to of death by the state still like to

of death by the state still like to let their hair down. They could do

let their hair down. They could do let their hair down. They could do

let their hair down. They could do it as a victory dance, on the

it as a victory dance, on the it as a victory dance, on the

battlefield. The music is quite battlefield. The music is quite

battlefield. The music is quite loud which would drown out the

loud which would drown out the loud which would drown out the

screaming. There were loads of screaming. There were loads of

screaming. There were loads of people doing it in offices. At

people doing it in offices. At people doing it in offices. At

first, that's really funny, but first, that's really funny, but

first, that's really funny, but then after a while, you start

then after a while, you start thinking, hello, the economy

thinking, hello, the economy thinking, hello, the economy

sinking, how is this supposed to sinking, how is this supposed to

sinking, how is this supposed to sinking, how is this supposed to

help. At the end of the day you help. At the end of the day you

help. At the end of the day you help. At the end of the day you

help. At the end of the day you have a job to do, we all have. Pull

have a job to do, we all have. Pull have a job to do, we all have. Pull

your weight. Stop dancing and get your weight. Stop dancing and get

your weight. Stop dancing and get back to work you self-ish bastards.

back to work you self-ish bastards. back to work you self-ish bastards.

This hors emeat scandal has been This hors emeat scandal has been

This hors emeat scandal has been This hors emeat scandal has been

going on for so long it's like it going on for so long it's like it

started back in 1948. started back in 1948.

started back in 1948. Three million people buy horsemeat

Three million people buy horsemeat Three million people buy horsemeat

buy it every week. Public feeling buy it every week. Public feeling

buy it every week. Public feeling grows against a sinister trade. The

grows against a sinister trade. The grows against a sinister trade. The

country demands action against a country demands action against a

country demands action against a traffic so alien to the British

traffic so alien to the British traffic so alien to the British

traffic so alien to the British people. No wonder it feels like we

people. No wonder it feels like we people. No wonder it feels like we

have been watching gruesome images have been watching gruesome images

have been watching gruesome images have been watching gruesome images

like this for the past 65 years. like this for the past 65 years.

like this for the past 65 years. Against this backdrop of bad grub

Against this backdrop of bad grub Against this backdrop of bad grub

ITV have perhaps unwisely chosen to ITV have perhaps unwisely chosen to

ITV have perhaps unwisely chosen to launch a new show that celebrates

launch a new show that celebrates launch a new show that celebrates

home cooking by filling it with home cooking by filling it with

home cooking by filling it with showbiz add tits and -- addtivities.

showbiz add tits and -- addtivities. showbiz add tits and -- addtivities.

Real food created by the nation's Real food created by the nation's

Real food created by the nation's Real food created by the nation's

home cooks. Food glorious good is a home cooks. Food glorious good is a

home cooks. Food glorious good is a talent show for recipes, created by

talent show for recipes, created by talent show for recipes, created by

talent show for recipes, created by Simon Cowell. It is a plateful of

Simon Cowell. It is a plateful of Simon Cowell. It is a plateful of

Great British Bake Off leftovers Great British Bake Off leftovers

hosted by Carol Vorderman hosted by Carol Vorderman

impersonator. The premises that impersonator. The premises that

impersonator. The premises that eccentrics from across the country

eccentrics from across the country eccentrics from across the country

eccentrics from across the country are putting their recipes up to be

It is like being trapped forever in It is like being trapped forever in

It is like being trapped forever in a food based Antiques Roadshow. It

a food based Antiques Roadshow. It a food based Antiques Roadshow. It

a food based Antiques Roadshow. It is just not a very appetising dish.

is just not a very appetising dish. is just not a very appetising dish.

is just not a very appetising dish. There are bits where the sour faced

There are bits where the sour faced There are bits where the sour faced

one has to eat something gross. one has to eat something gross.

Endless references from Amy Endless references from Amy

Endless references from Amy Winehouse to her bum, to her

Winehouse to her bum, to her Winehouse to her bum, to her

Winehouse to her bum, to her knickers or her Nan. Every time I

knickers or her Nan. Every time I knickers or her Nan. Every time I

open my knicker drawer it smells open my knicker drawer it smells

open my knicker drawer it smells open my knicker drawer it smells

like my nan that's house. She made like my nan that's house. She made

like my nan that's house. She made the effort. She said nana and

the effort. She said nana and the effort. She said nana and

knickers and she's from the north. knickers and she's from the north.

knickers and she's from the north. There is lots of explicit footage

There is lots of explicit footage There is lots of explicit footage

of Loyd Grossman chewing like a tortoise.

tortoise. tortoise.

tortoise. It's very good. There are traces of

It's very good. There are traces of It's very good. There are traces of

horse DNA in Tom Parker Bowles. horse DNA in Tom Parker Bowles.

horse DNA in Tom Parker Bowles. horse DNA in Tom Parker Bowles.

Trouble is there is a flaw in the Trouble is there is a flaw in the

Trouble is there is a flaw in the Trouble is there is a flaw in the

basic premise, on the one hand Food basic premise, on the one hand Food

basic premise, on the one hand Food Glorious Food purports to celebrate

Glorious Food purports to celebrate individual cookery, by exsen

individual cookery, by exsen individual cookery, by exsen

eccentrics, but on the other, the eccentrics, but on the other, the

eccentrics, but on the other, the ultimate prize is to have your

ultimate prize is to have your ultimate prize is to have your

honest homemade food turned into a honest homemade food turned into a

honest homemade food turned into a mass maushingt ready -- market

The whole thing is designed to feel The whole thing is designed to feel

The whole thing is designed to feel inclusive and chummy in that false

inclusive and chummy in that false inclusive and chummy in that false

inclusive and chummy in that false big society way, but frankly it can

big society way, but frankly it can big society way, but frankly it can

keep calm and BEEP off. keep calm and BEEP off.

keep calm and BEEP off. Sausages in milk. They say you

Sausages in milk. They say you Sausages in milk. They say you

Sausages in milk. They say you never see white dog dog shit any

never see white dog dog shit any never see white dog dog shit any

never see white dog dog shit any more, it turns out you do. I would

more, it turns out you do. I would more, it turns out you do. I would

more, it turns out you do. I would like you to try it for the taste,

like you to try it for the taste, like you to try it for the taste,

rather than the appearance. Open rather than the appearance. Open

rather than the appearance. Open your mouth. It's like nine-and-a-

your mouth. It's like nine-and-a- your mouth. It's like nine-and-a-

half weeks, this. That tastes half weeks, this. That tastes

half weeks, this. That tastes floury. She isn't is the only

floury. She isn't is the only floury. She isn't is the only

fantasy Brit lady to sample sample fantasy Brit lady to sample sample

fantasy Brit lady to sample sample unusual flavours. Our very own

unusual flavours. Our very own unusual flavours. Our very own

Nigella is wowing them stateside in Nigella is wowing them stateside in

Nigella is wowing them stateside in another foodie talent show. This is

another foodie talent show. This is another foodie talent show. This is

a cooking competition unlike any a cooking competition unlike any

a cooking competition unlike any other. The Taste is an American

other. The Taste is an American other. The Taste is an American

food talent contest, which is food talent contest, which is

food talent contest, which is basically The Voice with food.

basically The Voice with food. basically The Voice with food.

basically The Voice with food. is all about the taste and nothing

is all about the taste and nothing is all about the taste and nothing

is all about the taste and nothing but the taste. We are tasting the

but the taste. We are tasting the food blind. Britain's favourite

food blind. Britain's favourite food blind. Britain's favourite

food blind. Britain's favourite curvatron is joined by Mr Tumble, a

curvatron is joined by Mr Tumble, a curvatron is joined by Mr Tumble, a

Playmobil pool boy and Monica's dad Playmobil pool boy and Monica's dad

Playmobil pool boy and Monica's dad from Friends. They have to taste

from Friends. They have to taste from Friends. They have to taste

one spoonful. It is an experience one spoonful. It is an experience

one spoonful. It is an experience almost exactly like buying any meat

almost exactly like buying any meat almost exactly like buying any meat

product in Britain today. If they product in Britain today. If they

product in Britain today. If they product in Britain today. If they

like it, they can sign the chef like it, they can sign the chef

like it, they can sign the chef like it, they can sign the chef

responsible up for their team in a responsible up for their team in a

responsible up for their team in a forthcoming cook off. It was cooked

forthcoming cook off. It was cooked forthcoming cook off. It was cooked

forthcoming cook off. It was cooked perfectly, I see you as somebody I

perfectly, I see you as somebody I perfectly, I see you as somebody I

perfectly, I see you as somebody I would like to work with and could

would like to work with and could would like to work with and could

would like to work with and could join my team. Some of these chefs

join my team. Some of these chefs join my team. Some of these chefs

join my team. Some of these chefs join my team. Some of these chefs

turn out to be Dicks. I am going to turn out to be Dicks. I am going to

turn out to be Dicks. I am going to come out them, full force. It's

come out them, full force. It's come out them, full force. It's

coming from the future, through a coming from the future, through a

coming from the future, through a time portal, smashing them in the

time portal, smashing them in the time portal, smashing them in the

face with awesomeness. He is going face with awesomeness. He is going

face with awesomeness. He is going face with awesomeness. He is going

to put some food on a spoon and to put some food on a spoon and

to put some food on a spoon and to put some food on a spoon and

what is on that spoon, take it away what is on that spoon, take it away

what is on that spoon, take it away chef. This is a pineapple, mushroom

chef. This is a pineapple, mushroom ground Turkey, sun-dried tomato

ground Turkey, sun-dried tomato ground Turkey, sun-dried tomato

Mcand cheese stir fry. You can't Mcand cheese stir fry. You can't

necessarily put those flavours necessarily put those flavours

necessarily put those flavours necessarily put those flavours

together in her head. I can imagine together in her head. I can imagine

together in her head. I can imagine together in her head. I can imagine

it coming out of my head into the it coming out of my head into the

it coming out of my head into the toilet. When the food displeases

toilet. When the food displeases toilet. When the food displeases

toilet. When the food displeases the panel, they send it back to the

the panel, they send it back to the the panel, they send it back to the

the panel, they send it back to the kitchen. You will not be cooking in

kitchen. You will not be cooking in kitchen. You will not be cooking in

kitchen. You will not be cooking in my kitchen. They kill him, cut him

my kitchen. They kill him, cut him my kitchen. They kill him, cut him

my kitchen. They kill him, cut him up, cook him and eat him. Just

up, cook him and eat him. Just up, cook him and eat him. Just

kidding. I make food for kidding. I make food for

kidding. I make food for awesomeness, not just tasting good.

awesomeness, not just tasting good. awesomeness, not just tasting good.

awesomeness, not just tasting good. That guy was a a professional chef.

That guy was a a professional chef. That guy was a a professional chef.

Many are amateurs, like this guy Many are amateurs, like this guy

Many are amateurs, like this guy Many are amateurs, like this guy

who has a truly shitty job. I am who has a truly shitty job. I am

who has a truly shitty job. I am 37-years-old, I work in a waste

37-years-old, I work in a waste 37-years-old, I work in a waste

water treatment plant and your crap water treatment plant and your crap

water treatment plant and your crap water treatment plant and your crap

is my bread and butter. I would is my bread and butter. I would

is my bread and butter. I would rather work in a kitchen, cooking

rather work in a kitchen, cooking rather work in a kitchen, cooking

food and dealing with what goes food and dealing with what goes

food and dealing with what goes food and dealing with what goes

into the body rather than the end into the body rather than the end

into the body rather than the end into the body rather than the end

result here, what comes out of the result here, what comes out of the

result here, what comes out of the result here, what comes out of the

body. I would have thought if you body. I would have thought if you

body. I would have thought if you work indeed a sewage plant staring

work indeed a sewage plant staring work indeed a sewage plant staring

at human excrement all day long, at human excrement all day long,

at human excrement all day long, at human excrement all day long,

you would go out of your way to you would go out of your way to

you would go out of your way to create a dish that looked nothing

create a dish that looked nothing create a dish that looked nothing

create a dish that looked nothing like it, but I would be wrong. On

like it, but I would be wrong. On like it, but I would be wrong. On

the positive side this dish does the positive side this dish does

the positive side this dish does provide roughage and appears to be

provide roughage and appears to be provide roughage and appears to be

going down well with the judges. going down well with the judges.

going down well with the judges. Technology and incredible yet bland

Technology and incredible yet bland Technology and incredible yet bland

Technology and incredible yet bland scenes as Sony hold a live web

scenes as Sony hold a live web launch for their forthcoming

launch for their forthcoming launch for their forthcoming

PlayStation 4 console. They didn't PlayStation 4 console. They didn't

PlayStation 4 console. They didn't actually show the machine itself.

actually show the machine itself. actually show the machine itself.

Instead a bizarre new Kevin Eldon Instead a bizarre new Kevin Eldon

Instead a bizarre new Kevin Eldon character showed off the joypad.

character showed off the joypad. character showed off the joypad.

For the first time the new For the first time the new

For the first time the new controller, and here it is.

controller, and here it is. controller, and here it is.

Dual Shock4 joypad, quivers were Dual Shock4 joypad, quivers were

Dual Shock4 joypad, quivers were stimulated, and an inviting button

stimulated, and an inviting button stimulated, and an inviting button

stimulated, and an inviting button down below that aches to be touched.

down below that aches to be touched. down below that aches to be touched.

down below that aches to be touched. If you ask me the emphasis on share

If you ask me the emphasis on share If you ask me the emphasis on share

something an absolute disaster for something an absolute disaster for

something an absolute disaster for the PlayStation because it looks

the PlayStation because it looks the PlayStation because it looks

like it will turn the blissfully like it will turn the blissfully

like it will turn the blissfully isolated past time of grinning into

isolated past time of grinning into isolated past time of grinning into

a Facebook hell of socialised a Facebook hell of socialised

a Facebook hell of socialised twattery. There were games, too,

twattery. There were games, too, twattery. There were games, too,

introduced by people trying to make introduced by people trying to make

introduced by people trying to make them sound like things they weren't.

them sound like things they weren't. them sound like things they weren't.

them sound like things they weren't. This is a story about the loss of

This is a story about the loss of This is a story about the loss of

This is a story about the loss of home, the search for a new home and

home, the search for a new home and home, the search for a new home and

home, the search for a new home and the lengths to which people go to

the lengths to which people go to the lengths to which people go to

defend it. Sounds deep. This game defend it. Sounds deep. This game

defend it. Sounds deep. This game is an inspiring meditation on

is an inspiring meditation on is an inspiring meditation on

shooting people in the future. As shooting people in the future. As

shooting people in the future. As shooting people in the future. As

well as a game where you shoot well as a game where you shoot

well as a game where you shoot well as a game where you shoot

everyone in the future, there was a everyone in the future, there was a

everyone in the future, there was a game where you drive cars quickly,

game where you drive cars quickly, game where you drive cars quickly,

game where you drive cars quickly, a game where you fight goblins and

a game where you fight goblins and a game where you fight goblins and

a tech demonstration of the a tech demonstration of the

PlayStation's 4's ability to PlayStation's 4's ability to

PlayStation's 4's ability to resurrect the disembodied head of

resurrect the disembodied head of resurrect the disembodied head of

Jimmy Savile. You can feel the Jimmy Savile. You can feel the

Jimmy Savile. You can feel the Jimmy Savile. You can feel the

emotions look can at his face. emotions look can at his face.

emotions look can at his face. quite Mario, is it. Isn't everyone

quite Mario, is it. Isn't everyone quite Mario, is it. Isn't everyone

on the internet horrible. Yes they on the internet horrible. Yes they

on the internet horrible. Yes they are. Here is someone who thinks

are. Here is someone who thinks are. Here is someone who thinks

that's that's just swell, Doug I am Doug Stanhope and that is why

I am Doug Stanhope and that is why I am Doug Stanhope and that is why

I am Doug Stanhope and that is why I drink. Evidently in the UK you

I drink. Evidently in the UK you I drink. Evidently in the UK you

have some vague ambiguous laws have some vague ambiguous laws

have some vague ambiguous laws about mean tweeting. Where you can

about mean tweeting. Where you can about mean tweeting. Where you can

about mean tweeting. Where you can go to prison for being abusive on

go to prison for being abusive on go to prison for being abusive on

the internet. Where in the United the internet. Where in the United

the internet. Where in the United States, being rude on the internet,

States, being rude on the internet, States, being rude on the internet,

that's the purpose of it. That's that's the purpose of it. That's

that's the purpose of it. That's that's the purpose of it. That's

why you are on the internet. That why you are on the internet. That

why you are on the internet. That why you are on the internet. That

is like making porn legal but it is is like making porn legal but it is

is like making porn legal but it is is like making porn legal but it is

against the law to jerk off to it. against the law to jerk off to it.

against the law to jerk off to it. against the law to jerk off to it.

A lot of people are against mean A lot of people are against mean

A lot of people are against mean tweeting because it is usually at

tweeting because it is usually at tweeting because it is usually at

tweeting because it is usually at your expense. You are a big man

your expense. You are a big man your expense. You are a big man

when you are sitting behind your when you are sitting behind your

when you are sitting behind your keyboard but you would never say

keyboard but you would never say keyboard but you would never say

keyboard but you would never say that shit to my face. Of course I

that shit to my face. Of course I that shit to my face. Of course I

wouldn't, you would hit me. Why wouldn't, you would hit me. Why

wouldn't, you would hit me. Why wouldn't, you would hit me. Why

would I envoke violence when I can would I envoke violence when I can

would I envoke violence when I can would I envoke violence when I can

do it from the safety of my own do it from the safety of my own

do it from the safety of my own home. The internet is built for

home. The internet is built for tragedy and inappropriate comments.

tragedy and inappropriate comments. tragedy and inappropriate comments.

Tragedy, that is when comics come Tragedy, that is when comics come

Tragedy, that is when comics come to life. Tragedy happens, comic has

to life. Tragedy happens, comic has to life. Tragedy happens, comic has

to life. Tragedy happens, comic has to spring into action. You want to

to spring into action. You want to to spring into action. You want to

to spring into action. You want to be the first on stage or on the

be the first on stage or on the be the first on stage or on the

laptop to make an inappropriate laptop to make an inappropriate

laptop to make an inappropriate laptop to make an inappropriate

joke. That is what it is there for. joke. That is what it is there for.

joke. That is what it is there for. Dead celebrities, race to the

Dead celebrities, race to the Dead celebrities, race to the

internet, I can't wait. Whitney internet, I can't wait. Whitney

internet, I can't wait. Whitney Houston, what have you got. People

Houston, what have you got. People Houston, what have you got. People

Houston, what have you got. People go that's too soon. You say no,

go that's too soon. You say no, go that's too soon. You say no,

it's perfectly timed, they've just it's perfectly timed, they've just

it's perfectly timed, they've just died. How dare you question my

died. How dare you question my died. How dare you question my

timing, I am a professional. Too timing, I am a professional. Too

timing, I am a professional. Too timing, I am a professional. Too

soon! For the first time in a soon! For the first time in a

soon! For the first time in a celebrity's ego driven career they

celebrity's ego driven career they celebrity's ego driven career they

celebrity's ego driven career they finally are dead and don't have to

finally are dead and don't have to finally are dead and don't have to

finally are dead and don't have to give a shit about what you said

give a shit about what you said give a shit about what you said

about them on the internet. How about them on the internet. How

about them on the internet. How limited is your manages that not

limited is your manages that not limited is your manages that not

limited is your manages that not only do you believe in an after

only do you believe in an after only do you believe in an after

only do you believe in an after life but you still think it has

life but you still think it has life but you still think it has

social networking. Where your dead social networking. Where your dead

social networking. Where your dead celebrities down in line checking

celebrities down in line checking celebrities down in line checking

celebrities down in line checking her iPhone. I hope I better be

her iPhone. I hope I better be her iPhone. I hope I better be

trending at least. That comment is trending at least. That comment is

trending at least. That comment is trending at least. That comment is

a little off colour, that is salty. a little off colour, that is salty.

a little off colour, that is salty. a little off colour, that is salty.

Could have saved that until I was Could have saved that until I was

Could have saved that until I was Could have saved that until I was

cold. It is weird that the church cold. It is weird that the church

cold. It is weird that the church cold. It is weird that the church

cold. It is weird that the church can say you are going to go to hell

can say you are going to go to hell can say you are going to go to hell

can say you are going to go to hell if you mast bait, but if I tweet

if you mast bait, but if I tweet if you mast bait, but if I tweet

if you mast bait, but if I tweet your father is in hell because he

your father is in hell because he your father is in hell because he

your father is in hell because he master bathed, do I go to prison

master bathed, do I go to prison master bathed, do I go to prison

master bathed, do I go to prison for that. I don't know, I'm not a

for that. I don't know, I'm not a for that. I don't know, I'm not a

barrister. A musical interlude and barrister. A musical interlude and

the grassroots celebration of the grassroots celebration of

the grassroots celebration of artistic authenticity that is the

artistic authenticity that is the artistic authenticity that is the

BRITs thrilled throughers from -- viewers nationwide.

viewers nationwide. viewers nationwide.

Muse performed their symphony for Muse performed their symphony for

Muse performed their symphony for youth or chest radio and kitchen

sink. sink.

sink. Before James corden unveiled the

Before James corden unveiled the magnificently diverse musical menu

magnificently diverse musical menu magnificently diverse musical menu

magnificently diverse musical menu on offer that evening. I like my

on offer that evening. I like my on offer that evening. I like my

music bland. Mumford & Sons are music bland. Mumford & Sons are

music bland. Mumford & Sons are music bland. Mumford & Sons are

going to be here. Taylor Swift. going to be here. Taylor Swift.

going to be here. Taylor Swift. Ben Howard. Probably, yes.Robbie

Ben Howard. Probably, yes.Robbie Ben Howard. Probably, yes.Robbie

Williams. Result.Emile Sande and Williams. Result.Emile Sande and

Williams. Result.Emile Sande and Williams. Result.Emile Sande and

five young men that go by the name five young men that go by the name

five young men that go by the name of one direction are here. Jackpot.

of one direction are here. Jackpot. Having established its credentials

Having established its credentials Having established its credentials

with awards like the rock'n'roll with awards like the rock'n'roll

with awards like the rock'n'roll Mastercard Album of the Year, the

Mastercard Album of the Year, the Mastercard Album of the Year, the

ceremony continued to wow audiences ceremony continued to wow audiences

by handing meaningless statuettes by handing meaningless statuettes

by handing meaningless statuettes by handing meaningless statuettes

to musical farts. One of the most to musical farts. One of the most

to musical farts. One of the most exciting things about make ago

exciting things about make ago exciting things about make ago

second album is doubling the size second album is doubling the size

second album is doubling the size second album is doubling the size

of the window that people get to of the window that people get to

of the window that people get to look in at what we do.

look in at what we do. look in at what we do.

look in at what we do. Some of these songs take years to

Some of these songs take years to Some of these songs take years to

finish. There were spine tingling finish. There were spine tingling

performances from Tintin Bumbaclart, performances from Tintin Bumbaclart,

wipe-clean vinyl Tweenies, and wipe-clean vinyl Tweenies, and

Emile Sande, who transport Emile Sande, who transport

Emile Sande, who transport transported us back to a happier

transported us back to a happier transported us back to a happier

transported us back to a happier time last year, before most of us

time last year, before most of us had heard of her.

had heard of her. Following another five million

Following another five million Following another five million

mentions of Mumford & Sons, the mentions of Mumford & Sons, the

mentions of Mumford & Sons, the corporate inport export awards were

corporate inport export awards were corporate inport export awards were

corporate inport export awards were over for another year. It is not

over for another year. It is not over for another year. It is not

over for another year. It is not the last you will have heard of all

the last you will have heard of all the last you will have heard of all

the acts feature because they will the acts feature because they will

the acts feature because they will be playing unrelentingly in every

be playing unrelentingly in every be playing unrelentingly in every

Controversy and the news chickens Controversy and the news chickens

Controversy and the news chickens Controversy and the news chickens

get in a flap as brainy hautor get in a flap as brainy hautor

get in a flap as brainy hautor Hilary Mantel criticises our Kate.

Hilary Mantel criticises our Kate. Hilary Mantel criticises our Kate.

Hilary Mantel criticises our Kate. You can see some of the language

You can see some of the language You can see some of the language

being used in the headline. being used in the headline.

being used in the headline. plastic Princess designed to breed,

plastic Princess designed to breed, plastic Princess designed to breed,

plastic Princess designed to breed, I think I ordered one of those off

I think I ordered one of those off I think I ordered one of those off

the internet. The comments upset the internet. The comments upset

the internet. The comments upset some of the biggest anchors in

some of the biggest anchors in some of the biggest anchors in

Britain. She's described her as a Britain. She's described her as a

machine-made Princess with a machine-made Princess with a

machine-made Princess with a plastic smile. I think that's

plastic smile. I think that's plastic smile. I think that's

really unnecessary. It also caused really unnecessary. It also caused

really unnecessary. It also caused upsetting exchanges on This Morning.

upsetting exchanges on This Morning. upsetting exchanges on This Morning.

When is being polite, genting, well When is being polite, genting, well

mannered suddenly become plastic mannered suddenly become plastic

mannered suddenly become plastic mannered suddenly become plastic

and fake. I think she should shut and fake. I think she should shut

and fake. I think she should shut and fake. I think she should shut

up. The PM chipped in.It is up. The PM chipped in.It is

completely misguided and completely completely misguided and completely

completely misguided and completely wrong. Not everyone joined in? Some

wrong. Not everyone joined in? Some wrong. Not everyone joined in? Some

wrong. Not everyone joined in? Some it actually read the article.

it actually read the article. it actually read the article.

all about the history of consorts, all about the history of consorts,

all about the history of consorts, what happens to consorts. She does

what happens to consorts. She does what happens to consorts. She does

what happens to consorts. She does slag Kate off in it? What she was

slag Kate off in it? What she was slag Kate off in it? What she was

try to go say there's something try to go say there's something

try to go say there's something try to go say there's something

that happens when a woman rar woman that happens when a woman rar woman

that happens when a woman rar woman maries into the Royal Family, we

maries into the Royal Family, we maries into the Royal Family, we

maries into the Royal Family, we expect her not to say anything, we

expect her not to say anything, we expect her not to say anything, we

comment about her dress, that we comment about her dress, that we

comment about her dress, that we almost turn our Royal Family into

almost turn our Royal Family into almost turn our Royal Family into

almost turn our Royal Family into dolls. God knows where she got that

dolls. God knows where she got that dolls. God knows where she got that

impression, unless she watches the impression, unless she watches the

impression, unless she watches the news. With those trademark heels,

news. With those trademark heels, news. With those trademark heels,

Kate stepped into new new territory. Kate stepped into new new territory.

Kate stepped into new new territory. With her green coat... The media

With her green coat... The media With her green coat... The media

portrayal of Kate tends to treat portrayal of Kate tends to treat

portrayal of Kate tends to treat portrayal of Kate tends to treat

her more like a mannequin than a her more like a mannequin than a

her more like a mannequin than a real woman. The Duchess of

real woman. The Duchess of real woman. The Duchess of

Cambridge just inside wearing a Cambridge just inside wearing a

Cambridge just inside wearing a black and white dress. A very

black and white dress. A very black and white dress. A very

black and white dress. A very visible bump. When they let us hear

visible bump. When they let us hear visible bump. When they let us hear

visible bump. When they let us hear her voice, it is such a rare event,

her voice, it is such a rare event, her voice, it is such a rare event,

her voice, it is such a rare event, all the news channels treat it like

all the news channels treat it like all the news channels treat it like

a massive story in itself. a massive story in itself.

a massive story in itself. Attention wasn't on how she she

Attention wasn't on how she she Attention wasn't on how she she

Attention wasn't on how she she looked, but on what she said.

looked, but on what she said. looked, but on what she said.

only sorry William can't be here only sorry William can't be here

only sorry William can't be here only sorry William can't be here

today. He would love it here. today. He would love it here.

today. He would love it here. done pretty, back in your box.

done pretty, back in your box. done pretty, back in your box.

done pretty, back in your box. Based on the book of the same name

Based on the book of the same name Based on the book of the same name

Cloud Atlas is a visually Cloud Atlas is a visually

Cloud Atlas is a visually spectacular attempt as creating a

spectacular attempt as creating a blockbuster spanning several

blockbuster spanning several blockbuster spanning several

blockbuster spanning several centuries of made up time, it stars

centuries of made up time, it stars centuries of made up time, it stars

Tom Hanks, Halle Berry, Hugh Grant, Ben Whishaw.

Ben Whishaw. Ben Whishaw.

Ben Whishaw. In Cloud Atlas, the novelty is it

In Cloud Atlas, the novelty is it In Cloud Atlas, the novelty is it

consists of six stories starring consists of six stories starring

consists of six stories starring consists of six stories starring

the same cast. It means the whole the same cast. It means the whole

the same cast. It means the whole things feels like playing where's

things feels like playing where's things feels like playing where's

wally with famous people. It gets wally with famous people. It gets

wally with famous people. It gets particularly weird when say Halle

particularly weird when say Halle particularly weird when say Halle

particularly weird when say Halle Berry turns up as a white woman,

Berry turns up as a white woman, Berry turns up as a white woman,

Berry turns up as a white woman, Hugh Grant turns up as a Korean.

Hugh Grant turns up as a Korean. Hugh Grant turns up as a Korean.

The film continually flips from one The film continually flips from one

The film continually flips from one The film continually flips from one

story to another in a manner that story to another in a manner that

story to another in a manner that draws parallels between the Shaggy

draws parallels between the Shaggy draws parallels between the Shaggy

draws parallels between the Shaggy dog stories but feels like you are

dog stories but feels like you are dog stories but feels like you are

watching six different mini series. watching six different mini series.

watching six different mini series. watching six different mini series.

You need an atlas to find your way You need an atlas to find your way

You need an atlas to find your way You need an atlas to find your way

through the thing. It is hard to through the thing. It is hard to

through the thing. It is hard to care about characters whose lives

care about characters whose lives care about characters whose lives

are experiencing for just a few are experiencing for just a few

are experiencing for just a few moments at a time across 180

minutes. minutes.

minutes. The most profound thing I learned

The most profound thing I learned The most profound thing I learned

about the human condition across about the human condition across

about the human condition across about the human condition across

its three hour running time is how its three hour running time is how

its three hour running time is how long my bladder can hold out.

long my bladder can hold out. long my bladder can hold out.

Joining me now to discuss Cloud Joining me now to discuss Cloud

Joining me now to discuss Cloud Atlas are Charlie Brooker from 1973

Atlas are Charlie Brooker from 1973 Atlas are Charlie Brooker from 1973

and Charlie Brooker from the fall. and Charlie Brooker from the fall.

and Charlie Brooker from the fall. and Charlie Brooker from the fall.

What is a book? You look at at What is a book? You look at at

What is a book? You look at at shapes on paper and it makes

shapes on paper and it makes shapes on paper and it makes

shapes on paper and it makes pictures appear in in your head.

pictures appear in in your head. pictures appear in in your head.

pictures appear in in your head. you have cave paintings? Yes, no I

you have cave paintings? Yes, no I you have cave paintings? Yes, no I

you have cave paintings? Yes, no I haven't. Have you Read the book?

haven't. Have you Read the book? haven't. Have you Read the book?

haven't. Have you Read the book? haven't, I have to be honest, I

haven't, I have to be honest, I haven't, I have to be honest, I

don't really know it would have don't really know it would have

don't really know it would have don't really know it would have

helped if I had. I found the whole helped if I had. I found the whole

multiple character thing tricksy multiple character thing tricksy

multiple character thing tricksy and annoying. There is something

and annoying. There is something and annoying. There is something

stupid about seeing Hugh Grant stupid about seeing Hugh Grant

stupid about seeing Hugh Grant playing a can balance. Balance --

playing a can balance. Balance -- playing a can balance. Balance --

playing a can balance. Balance -- What is Mrs Brown's Boys. You would

What is Mrs Brown's Boys. You would What is Mrs Brown's Boys. You would

What is Mrs Brown's Boys. You would love it. I am finding this sequence

love it. I am finding this sequence love it. I am finding this sequence

quite self-indull gent. I never quite self-indull gent. I never

quite self-indull gent. I never quite self-indull gent. I never

like this bit of the show. Neither like this bit of the show. Neither

like this bit of the show. Neither like this bit of the show. Neither

of you had to turn up. We didn't. of you had to turn up. We didn't.

of you had to turn up. We didn't. We're not here, you are imagining