Episode 6 Charlie Brooker's Weekly Wipe

Episode 6

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This programme contains some strong I'm Charlie Brookeer. You are


watching a specially Weekly Wipe. A show about things that what


happened over previous weeks. A compilation.


Aren't you lucky. Do you remember the Olympics? Weren't they Reid


great? All that running and throwing and jumping into sand?


Britain seems dull without them which is probably why vur TV has


been keen it keep the Olympic spirit going. -- why your TV. They


have nonsense like ITV's splsh splash. Tonight, Olympic hero, Tom


Daley coaches five celebrities as they dive head-first into the most


terrifying challenge of their lives. Falling doesn't get tougher than


this. In what is the most unedifying example of celebrity


plummeting since rod Hull, ITV have unveiled Splash! Starring Tom Daley,


seen here walking around in his pants like a bloke that looks like


he has misplaced his locker kee. He is brilliant at falling into the


water. Most people flail their arms around. Not Tom Daley, he has


taught himself not to do that, using mental processes. Here he is


talking about the intense drama, in the manner of swung under hypnosis.


When I step out, I can smell the chlorine. My heart is racing. I'm


on the edge. My world stops. I hook the trunks out of my bum and fall


into the water. Apart from falling into water,


Tom's job is to teach a group of famous and allegedly famous human


beings how to plummet into water like graceful and hopefully


oddorless turdz. At times you sense that ITV would like to broadcast


celebrity stripping but Ofcom said no. I expect it was a TV experiment


to find out if celebrities are affected by the law of gravity and


whether they fall quicker if they are more famous. There's probably


people in lab coats at the back writing the findings down. Splash


splsh is increasing human wisdom by a factor of 40%. -- Splash!. The


falls they do are complex. Sometimes they have to perform


flips and turns which is hard and other times they have to


impersonate somebody illegally dumping a dead horse in a canal or


someone being executed by a single gunshot to the head. Then it is


over to the judges to decide how good they were. Two of the judges


are experts. One is Jo Brand whose main qualification to judge a


diving contest, is like all humans, she is 98% water. The problem is


that diving doesn't last long, with only a few two-second money shots


in a 90-minute show, it is forced to add more dubious filler than a


Tesco Value Burger. That's why we have to watch VTs about their


belly-flopping journey and repeats of each dive. It is only enlifened


by questioning by Gabby Logan. Getting hit in the ring must hurt


and hitting the water must hurt. What is worse? A personal question.


And there are street dancers. Seriously, the day we broadcast


live hangings you will see these pricks doing this shit around the


gallows. The Dutchenese came up with this


first. Their version looks the same but the people falling in it are


larger. They are still sort of celebrities but only in Dutch.


Because they speak in Dutch it is the sort of thing that should be on


BBC Four. It's basically the same as boringer, but with gravity in it.


-- Borgen. Before last month I didn't know


anything about mally. There was no connection between Mali and me, I


thought it was a film about a dog but the world paid attention after


a group of Islamic militants took over northern parts of the


condition tri. As the depression subsequent coverage made clear,


live in northern Mali was grim. Islamic extremists had gained a


foot hold and were making civilian life as much fun as sitting through


nine episodes of Paddy's TV Guide. The locals move out in ang exodus


# Exodus. That's Marley for you. The malian army tried finding back.


They seemed underprepared as a French report revealed they were


genuinely having to train without ammunition. Boom, boom, boom, boom.


Boom, boom, boom, boom. Someone answer that gun. They


weren't the best-equipped army in the wofrpltd their uniforms were


thread bear and weapons were jamming.


# Yamin. That's Marley for you. The treek emists seemed heavily-armed


with weapons. They had so many guns they often seemed to frolic with


them, like men playing with puppies. France responded by sending in


troops. They also sprayed Para troopers over Timbuktu. The


onslaught surprised the Islamists and people like me who thought


Timbuktu was a made-up region of Narnia. As the Islamist fled Sky


News showed footage of the locals. They were delighted to be liberated


and dressed up in celebrating cameras and briefly turning Alex


Crawford into Gok Wan. Look what this man has done, he has here the


name of the operation that Francois Hollande named it and on the back a


big thank you to Hollande who will and the other countries. That's


quite a get up. # Get up, stand up. That's Marley


for you. While the scenes of celebration weren't quite clear


enough. What isn't clear is who the extremists were. Whoever they were,


there wasn't much footage of them, just the chaos left in their wake.


I wonder why libraries annoy them so much Maybe they thought it was


the Dewey System was invented by Jews.


1234 And David Cameron there, trying to


blend in with his surroundings. In summary the situation in North


Africa and Mali in particular is clearly one to keep an eye on.


Zion Zion -- # Iron, like a Lion, in Zion.


Well marlmarl. There was this clever programme about Penge wings,


which are these birds that live in Scotland. They are happy animals.


It is really cold where they live and they don't have jobs. They all


spend their time standing around on rocks or waiting in the dole queue.


It was nar aid bid Doctor Who who kept selling these interested


penguin facts. Hopping is faster than waddling. Because he is Doctor


Who, he know what is penguins think. Snees nervous but the march must go


on. Sometimes when he couldn't think of anything else to say,


would he sort of just whistle. WHISTLE MUSIC Force


They made robot penguins with cameras. Like an eye pon made out


of a penguin that can walk. -- iPhone. Penguins are so stupid they


don't know what a robot is. He ripped the piss out of them. They


were having a big festival like Glastonbury where they mill around


looking for someone to camp. The robot went around to have a look


around. To blend in, he walked around like someone who needed a


shit but didn't want it use the chemical toil its. I think they


sent the robots in to discover what penguins are up to, like when


police go under-cover to catch drug dealers or something. I mean, they


didn't catch them doing anything, because it turns out penguins are


basically innocent and just sort of walk around on the beach, think


being fish but if he had of been criminals, that would have been it.


The police could use those penguins to like infiltrate gangs or put


laser guns in their beaks and use them to kill paedophiles. The robot


penguin is clever, but it is dangerous, messing with nature like


that. A are bot penguin can't be killed. Even when you think it is


going to die it, comes back to life, like Term naitor. It's terrifying,


really. It's really cruel to leave the robot penguin. He will just be


alive forever, walking the Earth, watching all the new penguin


friends he has made, get old and die. He can't cry. They didn't give


it tear ducts. He'll have to shuffle around alone forever. I


don't think I can bear think being it, to be honest.


Publications nain a series of disturbing ads, tranquil lunch


breaks are interrupted by the invasion of a cheerful oak tree.


Hiya. What due think of the stories in this week's Take A Break.


know what I think. Haven't you lot got to go back to wofrpblgts Nah.


That's British industry. It seems no lunch break is safe from Mel's


weekly inspections. What do you think of the stories in this week's


Take A Break? All depressing, about death and disease. Hiia. Hiia.


do you think of the stories in this week's Take A Break. I don't know


any more. Haven't you lot got to go back to work. A of recent tragedies


in America left many there calling for stricter gun controls. Mass


shootings are commonplace they've genuinely started to make public


information films on how to survive a Miss Kerr in the workplace. This


is genuine. -- a massacre. It may feel like just another day


at the office. But occasionally, life feels more


like an action movie than reality. This helpful video, which looks a


bit like the most harrowing episode of the American Office ever made,


teaches you how to react if a man with a shotgun goes berserk in your


work place. Apparently you should run, if you can't, you should hide.


If you can't hide, well...... commit to taking the shooter down,


no matter what. Disgrisful. Look, four of them and only one of thim.


-- disgraceful. Cowards. It is little wonder the controls for


tighter gun controls are getting louder. It has livened up Piers


Morgan's show considerably as progun fans. It has become like a


gym show where the viewer has to decide hot biggest prick is? Is it


the shouty or slimy? I don't know. It also covered pro-gun control


marches. We will not step back. wish you would, I can hear from you


here. I'm in Britain. Gun control face an uphill drug strugle because


some sections of US society seem to love guns more than their own


children and they feel under threat. If only gun own hers some means of


defending themselves Fox News did their bit, with a QVC style show,


with this hot woman showcasing the guns. This is the most popular one,


probably because of the media attention. I don't know the media


has made it popular with everyone. It is big and scary but these are


cosmetic features. They have no functions on the firearm. Although


they will kill you. My five-year- old invest few harvested his first


deer with my competition rifle. -- nephew.


! There you go, so simple a child can use it. The young guns do start


young in the US and their guns aren't quite so cosmetically


terrifying as Five News demonstrated. This is Pinky, it is


my pink 22 15 AR. And this is Pinkilicious. Not all


kids like guns. Obama launched his plans for gun control flanked by


children who asked him to do something. In a letter that Julia


wrote me, she said "I know that laws have to be passed by Congress,


but I beg to you try very hard...." Julia, I will try very hard.


brave mood, resstrect the Jim 'll Fiction It form at in this day and


age. With all the guns around it is a


wonder anyone would like to live there. Doug stand hope will try to


convince you that America is great. I'm Doug Stanhope and that's why I


drink. America is fucking great. It really is. I know you don't want to


hear that from me. That's the truth. It really. Brits love to bitch


about America and they love to hate it. The Government and wars and


torture. But that's in the life here. Life in America is fan


tastyik. Everything works. Come here, I want you to be here. Get a


non-stop from Heathrow. Go directly to Florida. Walk down that ramp and


tell me if you can't immediately sense something is really good here.


Rent a car, get a convert I will. Fill up the tank. Look at the price.


-- convertible. Fucking $11 over there. You are going to fill up


your tang and the back seat because it is that fucking cheap


comparatively. Drive down big, empty highways, drive to the beach.


There will be half a dozen Cabana bars open. It is only 8.00am. They


are waving at you, they are smiling at you and they are waving for you


to come on. In they want you to be there. Because they don't know, yet,


that you don't tip. Come on in. Come on in.


Have a seat at the bar. She is going to hand awe big breakfast


menu. You know what we have for traditional American breakfast.


Choices. Yeah, lots of choice. You want some agencies, how do you want


them? We can do them ten ways. French, toast, waffles, pancakes,


we have chocolate chip. They'll put a whipped cream smiley face for


your fucking British ass or maybe you want a whipped cream frowny


face to match that dour expression. We're still trying to fight liking


it here. Order a kk tail. She is going to d something you have never


seen before. -- cocktail. She's going to pour it up and down and


she keeps pouring it. How can this possibly be right? In the UK when


you order a mixed drink some scientist pops out of the


floorboards. The lab coat and he has a system of weights and


measures and a fucking stainless steel cylinder that assures that


you will not get any more. Even the vapours of more than one measured


ounce in your fucking $15 cocktail. Life here is really fucking good.


Yeah we have a lot of dumb people here, but you can afford to be dumb


here. Everything makes sense. You are lost, you don't know where you


are. Where are you? 77th street? Go a block, you know what's next, 28th


street. It makes sense. You don't have to think. It is not like your


can roads, they are all criss- crossed and mish mashed and built


1100 years ago for donkeys and carts and you don't know where you


are or where you are going. Hitler did his blest to leflt UK and --


his best to level the UK flat so they could start over like extreme


country makeover. And what did the Brits do? They spat in Hitler's


face and built it back, brick-by- brick, exactly the way it was 1100


years ago when it didn't make sense. Come to Americans you can stay on


my couch. If you don't like it after a week I'll give you your


money back. YAWNS.


I wondwhaer is going on in the world. -- I wonder what? Our main


story is at least one meteor has come down in central London,


injured more than 500 people. What? Oh my God! Oh! Oh!


Forgive me, I think I probably scared lots of people by saying


central London. Central Russia. Thank God depor that. It is only


Russia. In a series of jaw-dropping not to mention pant-broung images,


God almighty tossed a rock at the earth which resembled a celestial


game of angry birds. It was great for News Channels


which had been training for the end of the world for ages.


Now had a dry-run. It disrupted otherwise charming


school lessons and injured hundreds but most importantly looked amazing


on TV. Giving the meteor story extra teeth a massive asteroid was


also headed for Earth and the skintists promising it wouldn't hit


it, were the skaim one who isn't seen the Russian meteor. The One


Show put a collision clock on screen so you could count down.


Three, two, one... Oh, (BEEP), (BEEP)ing life continues.


Defecation and Andrex send an enthusiastic dawn Porter around the


world to foist damp bog roll on people. I'm here it talk about


wiping buts. Fizzy Dawn drags her victims into a trailer and invites


them to plop and wipe. How was it? OK. Give it ten minutes, if I were


you. Not as moist as I thought. What have you been eating, horse?


Not enough, for some mad reason, Andrex wants to conduct a national


conversation about asking whether we fold or scrunch the paper.


be square, scrunch. Be fabulous, fold.


Scrunch like me, number three. can't wait for the next when when


they ask if you ever got a bit of shit on your fingers by accident


while wiping your arse. First it will's be how do you wipe, then it


will be, can I watch you do it and before you know it, they'll be


watch under a glass coffee table and filming it. When I ate a burger


I used to think what a tasty compacted disk of mince blasted off


a cow carcass, from simple beasts dying from a single gunshot to the


forehead. Now it turns it may not have been that appetising. Good


evening, supermarket shelves are being cleared off -- of some


burgers tonight when it has been revealed some have contained horse.


Many of us don't want to eat horse. We are not Barbarians, although


Barbarians are precisely the people that Tesco want to chose products


for their customers. You can't trust cone an here to possibly tell


the difference between a cow and a horse. Look, he probably thinks


that avery cad yo is a drg yon's egg. You never know what weird


mash-up good you will get in Tesco. Those were probably laid by a horse.


That melon was probably pig guts. (BEEP) knows how you make tiger


loaf. It was also revealed that halal can take an insulting amount


of meat. The steady gallop of nasty food


stories was about to become a stampede as the top story basically


became... The horsemeat scandal deepen, Findus lasagnes have been


found contain up to 100% horsemeat. 100% horsemeat. That is a complet


mare. By now the revelations were piling up like mangled horses at


beechers brook and the news was full of more pink meaty glistening


close-up shots than a year's subscription to Penthouse, and


members of the public discovering they may have eaten horse.


alley Green beef lasagne was a teatime favourite, not any more.


Will you be eating any more? Definitely not. You will miss out


on this gourmet experience, let's not be too hastey. I bet your mouth


is watering at home. To discuss the grim scandal, sky


paraded a paddockful of food experts. Some did their best to


lighten the distregs news by describing the crisis in the voice


of Rony Corbett What is supposed to happen is that the supermarket


checks on your behalf. Supermarkets are experts in food. He may sound


funny but he really knows the food chain. You talk about the food


chain. At one end meat comes out and cows normally go in. But


somewhere in the food chain, horses came in and meat came out. This guy


is good. This whole thing has been a PR


disaster for Findus, which is a shame because their lasagnes always


look really nice in the lovingly- shot adverts. Look at that, no


hooves sticking out or anything. That's it son, eat your horse.


Giddy up. In the pre-horsemeat scandal days Findus used to reason


an impressively chic advert for their gourmet range, created by a


suave French chef. Candles, wine and the secret weapons A recipe for


Jean-Christophe Novelli himself. used to be the credible face,


prepping the food in a notably horseless kitsch yeb. I wonder if


he has used horse? I'm sure if he has, it would only be the finest


Parisian quality. Created by me. And ridden by jockeys. We have been


asked to point out that Jean- Christophe Novelli has no way been


implicated in the horsemeat scandal. Thanks to television we have become


accustomed to food being prepared in picturesque kitchens like this,


where as Kie News depicted, they are made in places like this.


Rather than fin du, they are manufactured by Comigel who supply


frozen dead animal gobble pots for companies all over yuefrplt the


trail of suspect meat being detailed on the news like a map


from the the Invasion of Horse Eaters. Thanks to what we have seen,


it is feeling uncomfortably close to the epic so I lent Green.


-- so I lent Green. -- Soylent Green. The humble


blackberry has had it heart with problems denting its popularity


where as Sky News pointed it out, its own users tried to kill it with


haerms. It took about a month of bashing to break it up. Now they


were temping to revive their fortunes with an informtive and


exciting relaunch. They are repalatial the outmoded pocket type


writers on something which looks like an iPhone, but isn't, and


another thing that looks like a blackberry and is. Aren't they


beautiful. It now has a new global creative director. She is


blackberry's new global creative director, please welcome, Mrs


Alicia Keys. Yes, they have signed her because playing the pee an yes


and wearing hats are key business skills and not because the CEO


wanted an excuse to get off with her on stage? What is odd is she is


actually a big apple fan. She did a whole song about New York? The only


thing Alicia Keys has to do with blackberry, is she's black and


wears a beret. And you wonder if she's ever really going to work


I'll see you in the office. Monday 8.00am. There was this amazing


programme about Africa, all about this country called Africa. Which


is why they called it that. There were all these charity things


saying Africa is full of starving people and you should send them


their money. That must be a con because you can see no-one lives


there. It flies over for ages and there is no-one there. The reason


no-one is there, is it is full of monsters. There is like sort of


hairy men monsters and tall horse monsters that run around like


deckchaivers would have, and vagina-head monsters that fight in


ponds. It's frightening. Normally animals are in zoos, where people


give them a sences of purpose by throwing nuts at them and watching


them do tricks. -- a sense of purpose. Because there's no people


left in Africa, the animals have gone mad. The elephants attack each


other with their mouth particulars and tall horse monsters, look like


they are filming rocky. There was a monkey and his bum was a state. It


looked like he had been sheeting metal hexagons. But there are no


doctors, so he had to walk around with it like that. It is so bleak.


You can tell the animals are depressed. Some of them are just


smashing stuff up. Some of them can't eat any more. Some of them


can't hack it, so just lie around. This was this gazelle that had hung


itself. It showed you amazing things you didn't know. How


gazelles could float and how baby ostriches dance to music and how


when a cricket falls on the floor it makes a massive noise, like it


is made of metal.! Just like Who Framed Roger Rabbit had cartoons,


this had all the famous animals together, so their personalities


clash. In the jungle, like I'm A Celebrity. And they eat horrible


things, too, just like I'm A Celebrity but they don't mind if


they taste of animals, bus they are already animals so, they can't


taste it. They nicked all this other stuff from reality shows.


Like, they have infra-red night camera, like on Big Brother, so you


can see what they do at nit when they have been drinking. -- at


night. He may have style but he is turning out to be something of a


disappointment. It's incredible what you learn. I discovered no


matter how majestic and incredible nature is, if my phone beeps, ig


ignore Africa and check my texts without thinking: really, if the


environment goes to shit and all It is no wonder I'm getting grey.


Grey, you are black and white? still looks like Kate. It would be


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