Episode 6 Charlie Brooker's Weekly Wipe

This programme contains some strong I'm Charlie Brookeer. You are

watching a specially Weekly Wipe. A show about things that what

happened over previous weeks. A compilation.

Aren't you lucky. Do you remember the Olympics? Weren't they Reid

great? All that running and throwing and jumping into sand?

Britain seems dull without them which is probably why vur TV has

been keen it keep the Olympic spirit going. -- why your TV. They

have nonsense like ITV's splsh splash. Tonight, Olympic hero, Tom

Daley coaches five celebrities as they dive head-first into the most

terrifying challenge of their lives. Falling doesn't get tougher than

this. In what is the most unedifying example of celebrity

plummeting since rod Hull, ITV have unveiled Splash! Starring Tom Daley,

seen here walking around in his pants like a bloke that looks like

he has misplaced his locker kee. He is brilliant at falling into the

water. Most people flail their arms around. Not Tom Daley, he has

taught himself not to do that, using mental processes. Here he is

talking about the intense drama, in the manner of swung under hypnosis.

When I step out, I can smell the chlorine. My heart is racing. I'm

on the edge. My world stops. I hook the trunks out of my bum and fall

into the water. Apart from falling into water,

Tom's job is to teach a group of famous and allegedly famous human

beings how to plummet into water like graceful and hopefully

oddorless turdz. At times you sense that ITV would like to broadcast

celebrity stripping but Ofcom said no. I expect it was a TV experiment

to find out if celebrities are affected by the law of gravity and

whether they fall quicker if they are more famous. There's probably

people in lab coats at the back writing the findings down. Splash

splsh is increasing human wisdom by a factor of 40%. -- Splash!. The

falls they do are complex. Sometimes they have to perform

flips and turns which is hard and other times they have to

impersonate somebody illegally dumping a dead horse in a canal or

someone being executed by a single gunshot to the head. Then it is

over to the judges to decide how good they were. Two of the judges

are experts. One is Jo Brand whose main qualification to judge a

diving contest, is like all humans, she is 98% water. The problem is

that diving doesn't last long, with only a few two-second money shots

in a 90-minute show, it is forced to add more dubious filler than a

Tesco Value Burger. That's why we have to watch VTs about their

belly-flopping journey and repeats of each dive. It is only enlifened

by questioning by Gabby Logan. Getting hit in the ring must hurt

and hitting the water must hurt. What is worse? A personal question.

And there are street dancers. Seriously, the day we broadcast

live hangings you will see these pricks doing this shit around the

gallows. The Dutchenese came up with this

first. Their version looks the same but the people falling in it are

larger. They are still sort of celebrities but only in Dutch.

Because they speak in Dutch it is the sort of thing that should be on

BBC Four. It's basically the same as boringer, but with gravity in it.

-- Borgen. Before last month I didn't know

anything about mally. There was no connection between Mali and me, I

thought it was a film about a dog but the world paid attention after

a group of Islamic militants took over northern parts of the

condition tri. As the depression subsequent coverage made clear,

live in northern Mali was grim. Islamic extremists had gained a

foot hold and were making civilian life as much fun as sitting through

nine episodes of Paddy's TV Guide. The locals move out in ang exodus

# Exodus. That's Marley for you. The malian army tried finding back.

They seemed underprepared as a French report revealed they were

genuinely having to train without ammunition. Boom, boom, boom, boom.

Boom, boom, boom, boom. Someone answer that gun. They

weren't the best-equipped army in the wofrpltd their uniforms were

thread bear and weapons were jamming.

# Yamin. That's Marley for you. The treek emists seemed heavily-armed

with weapons. They had so many guns they often seemed to frolic with

them, like men playing with puppies. France responded by sending in

troops. They also sprayed Para troopers over Timbuktu. The

onslaught surprised the Islamists and people like me who thought

Timbuktu was a made-up region of Narnia. As the Islamist fled Sky

News showed footage of the locals. They were delighted to be liberated

and dressed up in celebrating cameras and briefly turning Alex

Crawford into Gok Wan. Look what this man has done, he has here the

name of the operation that Francois Hollande named it and on the back a

big thank you to Hollande who will and the other countries. That's

quite a get up. # Get up, stand up. That's Marley

for you. While the scenes of celebration weren't quite clear

enough. What isn't clear is who the extremists were. Whoever they were,

there wasn't much footage of them, just the chaos left in their wake.

I wonder why libraries annoy them so much Maybe they thought it was

the Dewey System was invented by Jews.

1234 And David Cameron there, trying to

blend in with his surroundings. In summary the situation in North

Africa and Mali in particular is clearly one to keep an eye on.

Zion Zion -- # Iron, like a Lion, in Zion.

Well marlmarl. There was this clever programme about Penge wings,

which are these birds that live in Scotland. They are happy animals.

It is really cold where they live and they don't have jobs. They all

spend their time standing around on rocks or waiting in the dole queue.

It was nar aid bid Doctor Who who kept selling these interested

penguin facts. Hopping is faster than waddling. Because he is Doctor

Who, he know what is penguins think. Snees nervous but the march must go

on. Sometimes when he couldn't think of anything else to say,

would he sort of just whistle. WHISTLE MUSIC Force

They made robot penguins with cameras. Like an eye pon made out

of a penguin that can walk. -- iPhone. Penguins are so stupid they

don't know what a robot is. He ripped the piss out of them. They

were having a big festival like Glastonbury where they mill around

looking for someone to camp. The robot went around to have a look

around. To blend in, he walked around like someone who needed a

shit but didn't want it use the chemical toil its. I think they

sent the robots in to discover what penguins are up to, like when

police go under-cover to catch drug dealers or something. I mean, they

didn't catch them doing anything, because it turns out penguins are

basically innocent and just sort of walk around on the beach, think

being fish but if he had of been criminals, that would have been it.

The police could use those penguins to like infiltrate gangs or put

laser guns in their beaks and use them to kill paedophiles. The robot

penguin is clever, but it is dangerous, messing with nature like

that. A are bot penguin can't be killed. Even when you think it is

going to die it, comes back to life, like Term naitor. It's terrifying,

really. It's really cruel to leave the robot penguin. He will just be

alive forever, walking the Earth, watching all the new penguin

friends he has made, get old and die. He can't cry. They didn't give

it tear ducts. He'll have to shuffle around alone forever. I

don't think I can bear think being it, to be honest.

Publications nain a series of disturbing ads, tranquil lunch

breaks are interrupted by the invasion of a cheerful oak tree.

Hiya. What due think of the stories in this week's Take A Break.

know what I think. Haven't you lot got to go back to wofrpblgts Nah.

That's British industry. It seems no lunch break is safe from Mel's

weekly inspections. What do you think of the stories in this week's

Take A Break? All depressing, about death and disease. Hiia. Hiia.

do you think of the stories in this week's Take A Break. I don't know

any more. Haven't you lot got to go back to work. A of recent tragedies

in America left many there calling for stricter gun controls. Mass

shootings are commonplace they've genuinely started to make public

information films on how to survive a Miss Kerr in the workplace. This

is genuine. -- a massacre. It may feel like just another day

at the office. But occasionally, life feels more

like an action movie than reality. This helpful video, which looks a

bit like the most harrowing episode of the American Office ever made,

teaches you how to react if a man with a shotgun goes berserk in your

work place. Apparently you should run, if you can't, you should hide.

If you can't hide, well...... commit to taking the shooter down,

no matter what. Disgrisful. Look, four of them and only one of thim.

-- disgraceful. Cowards. It is little wonder the controls for

tighter gun controls are getting louder. It has livened up Piers

Morgan's show considerably as progun fans. It has become like a

gym show where the viewer has to decide hot biggest prick is? Is it

the shouty or slimy? I don't know. It also covered pro-gun control

marches. We will not step back. wish you would, I can hear from you

here. I'm in Britain. Gun control face an uphill drug strugle because

some sections of US society seem to love guns more than their own

children and they feel under threat. If only gun own hers some means of

defending themselves Fox News did their bit, with a QVC style show,

with this hot woman showcasing the guns. This is the most popular one,

probably because of the media attention. I don't know the media

has made it popular with everyone. It is big and scary but these are

cosmetic features. They have no functions on the firearm. Although

they will kill you. My five-year- old invest few harvested his first

deer with my competition rifle. -- nephew.

! There you go, so simple a child can use it. The young guns do start

young in the US and their guns aren't quite so cosmetically

terrifying as Five News demonstrated. This is Pinky, it is

my pink 22 15 AR. And this is Pinkilicious. Not all

kids like guns. Obama launched his plans for gun control flanked by

children who asked him to do something. In a letter that Julia

wrote me, she said "I know that laws have to be passed by Congress,

but I beg to you try very hard...." Julia, I will try very hard.

brave mood, resstrect the Jim 'll Fiction It form at in this day and

age. With all the guns around it is a

wonder anyone would like to live there. Doug stand hope will try to

convince you that America is great. I'm Doug Stanhope and that's why I

drink. America is fucking great. It really is. I know you don't want to

hear that from me. That's the truth. It really. Brits love to bitch

about America and they love to hate it. The Government and wars and

torture. But that's in the life here. Life in America is fan

tastyik. Everything works. Come here, I want you to be here. Get a

non-stop from Heathrow. Go directly to Florida. Walk down that ramp and

tell me if you can't immediately sense something is really good here.

Rent a car, get a convert I will. Fill up the tank. Look at the price.

-- convertible. Fucking $11 over there. You are going to fill up

your tang and the back seat because it is that fucking cheap

comparatively. Drive down big, empty highways, drive to the beach.

There will be half a dozen Cabana bars open. It is only 8.00am. They

are waving at you, they are smiling at you and they are waving for you

to come on. In they want you to be there. Because they don't know, yet,

that you don't tip. Come on in. Come on in.

Have a seat at the bar. She is going to hand awe big breakfast

menu. You know what we have for traditional American breakfast.

Choices. Yeah, lots of choice. You want some agencies, how do you want

them? We can do them ten ways. French, toast, waffles, pancakes,

we have chocolate chip. They'll put a whipped cream smiley face for

your fucking British ass or maybe you want a whipped cream frowny

face to match that dour expression. We're still trying to fight liking

it here. Order a kk tail. She is going to d something you have never

seen before. -- cocktail. She's going to pour it up and down and

she keeps pouring it. How can this possibly be right? In the UK when

you order a mixed drink some scientist pops out of the

floorboards. The lab coat and he has a system of weights and

measures and a fucking stainless steel cylinder that assures that

you will not get any more. Even the vapours of more than one measured

ounce in your fucking $15 cocktail. Life here is really fucking good.

Yeah we have a lot of dumb people here, but you can afford to be dumb

here. Everything makes sense. You are lost, you don't know where you

are. Where are you? 77th street? Go a block, you know what's next, 28th

street. It makes sense. You don't have to think. It is not like your

can roads, they are all criss- crossed and mish mashed and built

1100 years ago for donkeys and carts and you don't know where you

are or where you are going. Hitler did his blest to leflt UK and --

his best to level the UK flat so they could start over like extreme

country makeover. And what did the Brits do? They spat in Hitler's

face and built it back, brick-by- brick, exactly the way it was 1100

years ago when it didn't make sense. Come to Americans you can stay on

my couch. If you don't like it after a week I'll give you your

money back. YAWNS.

I wondwhaer is going on in the world. -- I wonder what? Our main

story is at least one meteor has come down in central London,

injured more than 500 people. What? Oh my God! Oh! Oh!

Forgive me, I think I probably scared lots of people by saying

central London. Central Russia. Thank God depor that. It is only

Russia. In a series of jaw-dropping not to mention pant-broung images,

God almighty tossed a rock at the earth which resembled a celestial

game of angry birds. It was great for News Channels

which had been training for the end of the world for ages.

Now had a dry-run. It disrupted otherwise charming

school lessons and injured hundreds but most importantly looked amazing

on TV. Giving the meteor story extra teeth a massive asteroid was

also headed for Earth and the skintists promising it wouldn't hit

it, were the skaim one who isn't seen the Russian meteor. The One

Show put a collision clock on screen so you could count down.

Three, two, one... Oh, (BEEP), (BEEP)ing life continues.

Defecation and Andrex send an enthusiastic dawn Porter around the

world to foist damp bog roll on people. I'm here it talk about

wiping buts. Fizzy Dawn drags her victims into a trailer and invites

them to plop and wipe. How was it? OK. Give it ten minutes, if I were

you. Not as moist as I thought. What have you been eating, horse?

Not enough, for some mad reason, Andrex wants to conduct a national

conversation about asking whether we fold or scrunch the paper.

be square, scrunch. Be fabulous, fold.

Scrunch like me, number three. can't wait for the next when when

they ask if you ever got a bit of shit on your fingers by accident

while wiping your arse. First it will's be how do you wipe, then it

will be, can I watch you do it and before you know it, they'll be

watch under a glass coffee table and filming it. When I ate a burger

I used to think what a tasty compacted disk of mince blasted off

a cow carcass, from simple beasts dying from a single gunshot to the

forehead. Now it turns it may not have been that appetising. Good

evening, supermarket shelves are being cleared off -- of some

burgers tonight when it has been revealed some have contained horse.

Many of us don't want to eat horse. We are not Barbarians, although

Barbarians are precisely the people that Tesco want to chose products

for their customers. You can't trust cone an here to possibly tell

the difference between a cow and a horse. Look, he probably thinks

that avery cad yo is a drg yon's egg. You never know what weird

mash-up good you will get in Tesco. Those were probably laid by a horse.

That melon was probably pig guts. (BEEP) knows how you make tiger

loaf. It was also revealed that halal can take an insulting amount

of meat. The steady gallop of nasty food

stories was about to become a stampede as the top story basically

became... The horsemeat scandal deepen, Findus lasagnes have been

found contain up to 100% horsemeat. 100% horsemeat. That is a complet

mare. By now the revelations were piling up like mangled horses at

beechers brook and the news was full of more pink meaty glistening

close-up shots than a year's subscription to Penthouse, and

members of the public discovering they may have eaten horse.

alley Green beef lasagne was a teatime favourite, not any more.

Will you be eating any more? Definitely not. You will miss out

on this gourmet experience, let's not be too hastey. I bet your mouth

is watering at home. To discuss the grim scandal, sky

paraded a paddockful of food experts. Some did their best to

lighten the distregs news by describing the crisis in the voice

of Rony Corbett What is supposed to happen is that the supermarket

checks on your behalf. Supermarkets are experts in food. He may sound

funny but he really knows the food chain. You talk about the food

chain. At one end meat comes out and cows normally go in. But

somewhere in the food chain, horses came in and meat came out. This guy

is good. This whole thing has been a PR

disaster for Findus, which is a shame because their lasagnes always

look really nice in the lovingly- shot adverts. Look at that, no

hooves sticking out or anything. That's it son, eat your horse.

Giddy up. In the pre-horsemeat scandal days Findus used to reason

an impressively chic advert for their gourmet range, created by a

suave French chef. Candles, wine and the secret weapons A recipe for

Jean-Christophe Novelli himself. used to be the credible face,

prepping the food in a notably horseless kitsch yeb. I wonder if

he has used horse? I'm sure if he has, it would only be the finest

Parisian quality. Created by me. And ridden by jockeys. We have been

asked to point out that Jean- Christophe Novelli has no way been

implicated in the horsemeat scandal. Thanks to television we have become

accustomed to food being prepared in picturesque kitchens like this,

where as Kie News depicted, they are made in places like this.

Rather than fin du, they are manufactured by Comigel who supply

frozen dead animal gobble pots for companies all over yuefrplt the

trail of suspect meat being detailed on the news like a map

from the the Invasion of Horse Eaters. Thanks to what we have seen,

it is feeling uncomfortably close to the epic so I lent Green.

-- so I lent Green. -- Soylent Green. The humble

blackberry has had it heart with problems denting its popularity

where as Sky News pointed it out, its own users tried to kill it with

haerms. It took about a month of bashing to break it up. Now they

were temping to revive their fortunes with an informtive and

exciting relaunch. They are repalatial the outmoded pocket type

writers on something which looks like an iPhone, but isn't, and

another thing that looks like a blackberry and is. Aren't they

beautiful. It now has a new global creative director. She is

blackberry's new global creative director, please welcome, Mrs

Alicia Keys. Yes, they have signed her because playing the pee an yes

and wearing hats are key business skills and not because the CEO

wanted an excuse to get off with her on stage? What is odd is she is

actually a big apple fan. She did a whole song about New York? The only

thing Alicia Keys has to do with blackberry, is she's black and

wears a beret. And you wonder if she's ever really going to work

I'll see you in the office. Monday 8.00am. There was this amazing

programme about Africa, all about this country called Africa. Which

is why they called it that. There were all these charity things

saying Africa is full of starving people and you should send them

their money. That must be a con because you can see no-one lives

there. It flies over for ages and there is no-one there. The reason

no-one is there, is it is full of monsters. There is like sort of

hairy men monsters and tall horse monsters that run around like

deckchaivers would have, and vagina-head monsters that fight in

ponds. It's frightening. Normally animals are in zoos, where people

give them a sences of purpose by throwing nuts at them and watching

them do tricks. -- a sense of purpose. Because there's no people

left in Africa, the animals have gone mad. The elephants attack each

other with their mouth particulars and tall horse monsters, look like

they are filming rocky. There was a monkey and his bum was a state. It

looked like he had been sheeting metal hexagons. But there are no

doctors, so he had to walk around with it like that. It is so bleak.

You can tell the animals are depressed. Some of them are just

smashing stuff up. Some of them can't eat any more. Some of them

can't hack it, so just lie around. This was this gazelle that had hung

itself. It showed you amazing things you didn't know. How

gazelles could float and how baby ostriches dance to music and how

when a cricket falls on the floor it makes a massive noise, like it

is made of metal.! Just like Who Framed Roger Rabbit had cartoons,

this had all the famous animals together, so their personalities

clash. In the jungle, like I'm A Celebrity. And they eat horrible

things, too, just like I'm A Celebrity but they don't mind if

they taste of animals, bus they are already animals so, they can't

taste it. They nicked all this other stuff from reality shows.

Like, they have infra-red night camera, like on Big Brother, so you

can see what they do at nit when they have been drinking. -- at

night. He may have style but he is turning out to be something of a

disappointment. It's incredible what you learn. I discovered no

matter how majestic and incredible nature is, if my phone beeps, ig

ignore Africa and check my texts without thinking: really, if the

environment goes to shit and all It is no wonder I'm getting grey.

Grey, you are black and white? still looks like Kate. It would be