Episode 3 Charlie Brooker's Weekly Wipe


Episode 3

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This programme contains strong language.

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Hello. I'm Charlie Brooker and you're watching Weekly Wipe, a

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programme all about things that are happening. Things like this.

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Heartbreaking and tragic scenes in Coronation Street as Hayley Cropper

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drinks the ultimate nightcap. Already empassioned campaigners are

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calling for the right to die to be extended to Emmerdale.

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Rubber-faced funnyman Vladimir Putin accused of homophobia as he says

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gays are welcome at the Winter Olympics as long as they "keep away

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from children". To be fair, there is nothing worse than a predatory

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ski-dophile hanging around the nursery slopes.

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Labour's Ed Miliband re-invents himself as a tough guy willing to

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take on the banks. Having vowed to battle apparently insurmountable

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financial forces, his hard man message was only slightly undermined

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a few hours later when he made an unconvinving attempt to enjoy a

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beer. That's the sort of thing that's been

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going on. But we start with political scandal.

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The political sex scandal has an illustrious history dating back to

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1963's Profumo Affair. Since then it's provided countless guffaws and

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lurid-but-hilarious headlines detailing the romps, bonks and

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trysts of people you'd rather not picture in any kind of bedroom

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scenario. But the latest example isn't much fun, involving

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allegations about Lord Rennard, which he denies and refuses to

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apologise for, thus putting Nick Clegg in a compromising position.

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Rennard has now been suspended and the whole thing's playing out in the

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media in a bizarre civil war. The Lib Dems are investigating whether

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Lord Rennard's brought the party into disrepute. Or whether it's

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actually got any repute left to diss. It's more of an ugly mess than

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a farce, really. For a proper old-fashioned political

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sex scandal you have to switch channels. Or rather cross channels,

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to France. Yes, France, a nation so romantic it's got a type of kissing

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named after it, almost expects its political figures to have

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mistresses. It's practically a tradition. De Gaulle was the town

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bike, Jacques Chirac was a filthy slut, and Francois Mitterand was

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famed for filling every woman he met with what the French call a penis.

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And we call a penis. Look, he's going for one now. Get your filthy

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paws off her! That's our Queen! But now a contemporary

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slap-and-tickle scandal seemed to be brewing around President Hollande,

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who stands accused of cheating on the First Lady with a Second Lady,

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like a sort of French Lee Ryan. The First Lady was in hospital, and the

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news was clinically clear about why. The first lady is still in hospital

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with a broken heart. Oh, God, that's awful, they can't treat a broken

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heart. Because it isn't a medical condition. These provocative

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magazine images had prompted the scandal. Hollande apparently

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pictured outside the actress's apartment. They didn't actually get

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a clear shot of his face, just his helmet. Which is the sort of thing

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they can put on front pages in France. They're no better than

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animals. Actually looking at this, how do

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they know it's not just one of Daft Punk? The British news gleefully

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recounted how the French public had snapped up every copy of the

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accusing mag, leaving none for them. Do you have any copies of Closer

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Magazine? Oh, in that case I'll just have a copy of Le Razzle. And what's

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French for "hand cream"? Confusingly for British reporters,

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outside of the magazine itself, the French media claimed it wasn't too

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interested in the alleged affair. If it is private, it's private. I don't

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care what Francois Hollande is doing in his bedroom.

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It soon became clear the people most interested in where the Parisian

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prez put his penis were the British, who found the French nonchalance

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incroyable. Are you interested in the love life of Francois Hollande?

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Not at all. I don't believe you. Because they couldn't get footage of

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French citizens waving their fists and shouting "zut alors!", the

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British hacks had to pad out their reports avec le filler. One perky

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Channel 4 News reporter painstakingly reconstructed the

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President's drive to the alleged love nest, stepping off the bike and

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walking straight up to the front door, but then foolishly stopped

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short of the interesting bit where he'd get to make love to a beautiful

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actress. The problem for the president is that he looks even more

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ridiculous than I do. Mm, I'd say it's about evens. There were also

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some startling pre-watershed glimpses of suspiciously

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post-watershed cartoons, and stock news report filler item 6B, footage

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of a crappy knocked-up-in-five-minutes computer

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game wheeled out like it's a big deal. It's not even a good French

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video game. It's no Super Marie-Antoinette.

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Back in the studio, the French insistence on respecting privacy was

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irritating the British media so much, they invited French

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journalists on to harangue them in the only language they understand -

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arrogance. Why are the French press so deferential? Some UK anchors

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apparently spent so long speaking to the French, the gallic influence

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rubbed off on them and they started acting French themselves. But a

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French president has an affair. But Hollande couldn't hide forever,

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because he was scheduled to give a live press conference. Rolling news

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wiped the schedule clean to watch the President squirm in the

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spotlight. Anything could happen! He could break down and beg

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forgiveness! Or start BLEEP the actress live on stage! He is French.

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Or, as he'd been scheduled to do all along, he might speak at length

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about French economic policy - the big tease. Although of course in

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French even that's erotic. We are talking about going faster, going

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further, accelerating and going in more depth. But we have to ensure

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that this growth be vigorous. Oooh. In the end, the First Lady

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came out of hospital, the Second Lady threatened to sue the magazine,

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and the President carried on, just as unpopular as he'd been before.

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And what had we, the British learned? Nothing. Except that

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ultimately the French don't seem to care who the President's BLEEP, as

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long as he's not BLEEP the country. Instead of being about a hobbit Ora

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Wizard, it is about a giant and a robot woman. Bid if you put them

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together, she is sort of distant, they sort of balance out and make

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one person. It was a bit weird, because it had George Galloway in it

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and Dennis Waterman and Stewart Lee. But younger and less funny. But they

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are all for them, not real them. It is about crimes happening miles

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away, but they are still exciting, so you still sort of care. And like

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Sherlock, it is got these clever words that come up so you know what

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is happening, like each time someone speaks, it explains what's going on.

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Sometimes there were words telling you what they said even though you

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knew what they'd said, because they had words anyway. I think maybe the

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way to do it is to watch it once with the words and then again for

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the pictures. The man policeman is Danish, and the woman policeman is

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Swedish, but even though they speak different languages, they don't need

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some titles to talk to each other, because they are both foreign, so

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even though I need subtitles to understand them, they wouldn't need

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some titles to understand me, because to them, I'm foreign, which

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they are, too. They are trying to catch these Beatrix Potter people

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who are killing people to make a trendy point about politics to

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impress the guardian. As well as the robot one, it's got you tube unit

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and computers, and a bit wearer man is having sex with someone. The

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thing is, it's not a nice foreign land like in the holiday programmes.

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It's really cold, and there are murders, and you can tell from

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looking at it that there are hardly any colours allowed over there. So

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everything is grey and muted and ominous. It's probably less

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depressing being murdered in Scandinavia than anywhere else on

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earth, because even as you are dying, you would think, oh, well. At

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least I can wear red trousers in heaven. And they probably speak

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English like in proper places. The first series of the Bridge was

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really good, so they made it over here as the Tunnel, and to make it a

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fair swap, the Danish we made take me out.

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Weather! And a UKIP councillor causes outrage by claiming the

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recent biblical weather has been caused by God punishing the UK for

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allowing same-sex marriage. Making him the only UKIP councillor to

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actively believe in man-made climate change. The councillor apparently

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wrote to David Cameron to warn him, but Cameron ignored his letter, or

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maybe didn't understand it because he doesn't speak 12th century

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maniac. In informative scenes, Sky immediately dispatched a reporter to

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the councillor's waterlogged hometown to badger the godless

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locals. Are these floods a sign from God? I don't even believe in God

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myself. Drown the heretic! Apparently the

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deluge is part of a sinister gay plot to fill Britain with water so

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everyone has to wear rubber all the time. And the streets will fill with

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water, making cruising mandatory. When the news came a-knocking in

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confrontational scenes, the man himself seemed oddly reluctant to

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speak to the media, possibly because he believes their heathen camera

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machines will steal his soul. I'm not giving any more interviews. Are

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your views and embarrassment to the party?

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UKIP king Nigel Farage suspended the councillor and announced an

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immediate clear- out of UKIP members with crazy outmoded views, a complex

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process that involves highlighting the membership list and then hitting

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delete. Now, Scotland. Should it stay or go?

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Or only see the rest of Britain at weekends? Scottish independence has

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got a lot of people thinking, none more so than our resident

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inquisitive human Limmy. This is Limmy.

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It's a big year for Scotland. Do we want to be ruled by this pack of

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liars or that? A message will go out from England, Wales and Northern

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Ireland to everyone in Scotland. We want you to stay! That's nice. Is he

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serious? With that face? I don't know what he's got plans to make

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Britain great again. Let's make Victoria Park great again. Just a

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lick of paint, please. Wait a minute, reverse psychology. We want

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you to stay. Does he really think we would do a thing he says? No. He

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knows. He wants us to go. I don't know what he's got plans to make

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Britain great again, but I want in. We want you to stay. I know you're

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watching, and I know what you're thinking. You are thinking of maybe

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doing this, or this, or this. We want you to stay. First answer

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counts! Do not paint this fence. Under no circumstances are you to

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paint this fence. Food now, and cookery shows are of

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course a TV staple, but there's so many of them they need a gimmick

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these days to succeed. A gimmick like, um...

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Spoons. Yes, spoons, courtesy of Channel 4's upmarket kitchen contest

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the Taste, in which former celebrity courtroom star Nigella Lawson has to

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lick a spoon clean alongside rock'n'roll chef Anthony Bourdain

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and the world's Frenchest Frenchman Ludo Foffyfonn.

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The idea is that the contestants have to win the judges over by

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creating a funsize helping of creative food. They should've called

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it Masterspoon. Some of the contestants create miniature

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masterpieces. While others produce the most preposterous shit to grace

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a spoon since Uri Geller. Having sweated and toiled to fill a small

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ceramic ladle, like your dad did in the Navy, the contestants then sit

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back nervously to see if the judges can swallow their food without

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choking, something Nigella should find far easier now Charles

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Saatchi's not around. Incidentally, and apropros of nothing, I just

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thought of a great joke about a famous art collector framing his

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wife, which I can't repeat for legal reasons.

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Anyway, spoons are all very well, but they're not a very adventurous

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gimmick. What's really missing on TV is a food show incorporating

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far-right politics, as exhibited in the recent bizarre cookery video

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posted online by the BNP's Nick Griffin. It's just like an episode

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of Masterrace. I mean chef. Essential cooking tool, wooden

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spoon. It's weird watching him in his notably well-equipped kitchen,

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and refreshing to see he doesn't deny the existence of ovens.

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Disappointingly he doesn't cook Chicken Supremacist, or Egg Fried

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Reich, or Swastikka Masala, but a simple stew, which he cooks, in one

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big melting pot. Let's have a look at the contents of that pan there.

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Just taking on a little bit of colour.

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Obviously he likes his ingredients locally sourced, although he's going

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to be furious when he finds out those British white potatoes are

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descended from South American immigrants. Still it's not just

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cookery tips, there's opinion, too. So I don't let people tell me that

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you have to have huge numbers of immigrants to have good cooking.

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OK, although to be fair, no-one's ever told anyone that. We've got a

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Mexican restaurant near here. The place isn't swamped with Mexicans.

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You take the recipe, and that is all you need.

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Ooh, you know, I do wish he wouldn't talk while he's chopping

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ingredients. I mean look at the clunky way he wields the knife. I

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keep worrying he might not hurt himself. Then finally the meal is

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ready to eat. To be fair, even if some of the diners look less than

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thrilled to be there, the end product looks good. Maybe he

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should've been a chef. Still, cookery's loss is bigotry's gain.

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And if you don't like the dishes he serves up, send them back to where

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they came from. Of course those who prefer their cookery a little less

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politically controversial and a lot more "cashe" can always ingest the

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swaggering and breezy, laid-back Sunday Brunch with prime geezer Tim

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Lovejoy. It's about three hours long, but don't worry if you can't

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be fussed to sit through all of it, Mr Jake Yapp has condensed it down

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to 99 seconds, as he'll demonstrate now. Start the clock.

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Good morning and welcome to Sunday Brunch with me, Tim Lovejoy. It is

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similar to the show I did on BBC Two. But was about celebrities and

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cooking. This is with guys with their low-rise jeans. Look at me, I

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am leaning on the set. A Scouse sidekick, what are you cooking up? I

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am doing French toast... That is enough from you. I am the new

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deadline. I am so bloody laid-back. Let's do the autocue. Watch my eyes

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glaze over. Our guests were in a pop group in 1997. Anyway, let's

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interview you. I did not bother to read the notes, I will just win it.

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How did you... ? What is the most... ? I have completely lost control of

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the interviewed now. Good job the sound man has remembered I am meant

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to be in charge let's say something my analytical mind could think up.

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Music is really important. Here is someone we have checked out on

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MySpace. They are called Coldplay. They are going places. Let's watch

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Simon Cook. I will stand awkwardly. Then Simon will stand next to our

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guest chef and stand awkwardly. We have got to the end of the

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programme, no one has worked out what my role is, time for some low

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key no eye contact, see you then. Culture! And in unforgettable

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scenes, This Morning screens a bizarre live test in which Britain's

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foremost and indeed only rumpologist demonstrates how to analyse people's

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backsides. When I was focusing on Kelly's bottom, it is the right

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cheek telling me all the past things, the left tells me the future

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things. Which, as I suspected, makes the present a shithole. To test her

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bum-reading skills they ran a sort of on-air reverse glory hole

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guessing game. There are a creative. Fun to be around. You

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know, looking at this, you might think This Morning's just taking the

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piss, but it isn't. Although some of its guests are. How do you start

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your day? I am a feat guy. Not these people, they kick off with a glass

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of their own BLEEP. -- urine. I could just think clearer. Clear

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enough to think, I know, I'll drink my own piss? So it's socially

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unacceptable and it tastes horrible, but on the plus side, it's also

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frowned upon by doctors, specifically a telly doc who looks

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like Prince playing Doctor Who, doing his best to balance the

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piss-taking with medical fact. It is not medically recommended,

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especially if you are unwell or on medication. We would not recommend

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it. Mmm, I guess it all boils down really to who you want to believe?

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The qualified medical professional who tells you not to drink piss, or

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the hairy bloke in the stripy jumper who does? Things were inevitably

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building towards the money shot in which the happy couple would go on

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the piss, necking a glass of home-brew Pee-no Grigio live on air,

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which probably enough to get viewers experimenting with swallowing their

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own vomit. Arghh, look at that, you know what that is? That is Cameron's

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Britain. Cameron's Britain everybody. Tsss. Inevitably, the

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informative item prompted some lively feedback, which tight-panted

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bulge-displayer Jeff Brazier did his best to reel off quickly before he

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had some kind of weird fit. Zoe says, if that is what they want to

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do, then let them, people are too quick to judge. Now. Sticking with

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urine and adding some excrement, this week also saw the US TLC

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channel air stomach churning scenes in the gruesome My Strange

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Addiction. Which showcased a woman with a penchant for sniffing and

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chewing used nappies. I love it. It tastes amazing. I have one in the

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kitchen, when I am sleeping. Oh, that's really put me off my piss. To

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be fair, this celebratory urine drinking isn't the most upsetting

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fluid-intake scene I've witnessed on ITV recently. That'd be Monday's

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harrowing Coronation Street in which Hayley Cropper drank the ultimate

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bedtime nightcap. Come on everyone - Down in one! Down in one! Down in

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one! Still nice of her to give him a hand job on the way out.

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Pop now, and crooning haircutted pebble Justin Bieber's been in

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trouble with his alleged egg-throwing hi-jinks providing

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startling fodder for noisy entertainment shows. A felony

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investigation into accusations the superstar singer pelted his

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neighbour's home with eggs. Frankly, I don't care what he does with eggs

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as long as he's not fertilising them. But are pop stars out of

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control? US comedian and shambles Doug Stanhope thinks they're not out

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of control enough. And he'll say so now.

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I'm Doug Stanhope and that is why I drink. You know what? Any time you

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complain about the kids today, you know you are walking on dangerous

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ground or just being a pathetic old lock. This is the weakest generation

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in recorded history. Jason Bieber made the news by pissing into a mop

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bucket. There is footage of Justin Bieber relieving himself in a mop

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bucket. That makes the news today? That is so indicative of what a shit

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generation this is. That is the rock and roll lifestyle. You are not Led

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Zeppelin chucking TVs out of hotel windows while the drama is dead in

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the pool. Oh no, Justin Bieber peed into a bucket. I know every

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generation complains about the new kids coming up after them, but in

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the past, it was always complaining that the new kids were too out of

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control and taking too many chances. These kids today are smoking

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marijuana. We will be the first generation that is the opposite of

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that, when we will still complain about the kids today but in the

:21:09.:21:15.

opposite fashion. Look at these locking kids. We had a good time.

:21:16.:21:26.

These sissies drink Red Bull for some pep. The closest they have ever

:21:27.:21:30.

come to a fist fight is on a message board. Are you looking at my

:21:31.:21:37.

girlfriend? I am going to unfriend you from my Facebook registry. I had

:21:38.:21:54.

better delete that BLEEP part. Wildlife! And a series of depressing

:21:55.:21:59.

news reports describe how a Texan hunting society has auctioned a

:22:00.:22:02.

permit to shoot and kill a rare Namibian black rhino. The rhino is a

:22:03.:22:05.

magnificent horny beast sadly destined to be unceremoniously

:22:06.:22:08.

mounted over a stranger's fireplace, just like your mum. Corey Knowlton,

:22:09.:22:11.

the man who paid $350,000 for the permit, outlined his reasoning in a

:22:12.:22:18.

penetrating interview. I'm a hunter. I want to experience the black

:22:19.:22:22.

rhino. I want to be involved with the black rhino. Sorry, what did

:22:23.:22:25.

that permit allow you to do again? In emotional scenes Knowlton

:22:26.:22:28.

explained that shooting the black rhino is in fact the best way to

:22:29.:22:32.

protect the black rhino. The fact of the matter is, we raised $350,000

:22:33.:22:39.

from the black rhino. It is absolutely going to conservation.

:22:40.:22:42.

Yes, and with fewer rhinos to spend it on, that money'll go even

:22:43.:22:48.

further. We are not just saying we are on a rhino hunt, have a beer, it

:22:49.:22:53.

is a scientific process. Specifically it's an experiment to

:22:54.:22:57.

find out what happens when a rhino gets exposed to lead. He says the

:22:58.:23:01.

hunt will be good for the heard by targeting an older male past

:23:02.:23:06.

reproduction. But the news prompted a barrage of death threats, from

:23:07.:23:09.

people who wanted to kill him? Don't look at them as death threats, look

:23:10.:23:12.

at them as conservationists targeting an older aggressive male

:23:13.:23:15.

past reproduction. Still, despite the outrage, the news made clear

:23:16.:23:22.

he's undaunted - and proud. In a way, we won, conservation won and

:23:23.:23:27.

the black rhino won. And it'll celebrate that win with a nice lie

:23:28.:23:32.

down and a rot. Tainted nostalgia! And there are

:23:33.:23:35.

testing times for yet another fondly-remembered TV icon from

:23:36.:23:38.

yesteryear. Yes, once upon a time millions enjoyed these loveably

:23:39.:23:40.

manipulative adverts in which chimps carried out road works or dressed as

:23:41.:23:43.

Clockwork Orange characters and lugged furniture around. Do you know

:23:44.:23:52.

the piano is on my foot? You hum it, some, I'll play it. We now know that

:23:53.:23:56.

when the cameras weren't rolling they behaved like animals. Not that

:23:57.:24:00.

being taught to act like humans did them any favours - as a

:24:01.:24:02.

heartbreaking report on Daybreak painfully revealed. The zookeepers

:24:03.:24:09.

said the chimps did enjoy walking and talking like us but afterwards

:24:10.:24:12.

they had real problems integrating them back into chimp society. Just

:24:13.:24:16.

like Ross Kemp after EastEnders. Fortunately, the chimps have now

:24:17.:24:18.

recovered enough to enjoy traditional primate pastimes, like

:24:19.:24:21.

doing nothing and putting shit in their mouths. Oh. Cameron's Britain.

:24:22.:24:24.

I hope you're proud, David Cameron. That is your Britain. Of course now

:24:25.:24:28.

we're more enlightened than when these upsetting scenes were filmed.

:24:29.:24:30.

Today we simply wouldn't force a basic creature to dress and behave

:24:31.:24:34.

like a human against its will, except maybe in those harrowing and

:24:35.:24:38.

tragic Ben Fogle Typhoo ads. Oh, it shouldn't be allowed. Of course,

:24:39.:24:41.

Charles Darwin taught us monkeys and mankind are very much alike.

:24:42.:24:45.

Tomorrow it'll be 175 years since Darwin became a fellow of the Royal

:24:46.:24:48.

Society so to celebrate that, and hard-hitting science in general,

:24:49.:24:51.

Philomena Cunk is about to explore evolution before your very face, in

:24:52.:24:52.

this week's Moments of Wonder. It is almost unbelievable that

:24:53.:25:19.

before Charles Darwin invented evolution in 1859, no one had ever

:25:20.:25:24.

evolved. Without him, none of us would be here today, except in the

:25:25.:25:31.

form of fossils or Gibbons. The story goes that here in this garden

:25:32.:25:37.

in Kent, Darwin saw an apple fall from the tree, and wondered if there

:25:38.:25:43.

was a monkey up there. And if so, where that monkey might have come

:25:44.:25:50.

from. Darwin was one of the most famous men of his age. Like Paddy

:25:51.:25:55.

McGuinness is now except Darwin has a beard which Paddy McGuinness did

:25:56.:26:01.

not, unless they use CGI to paint it out, which they probably do not

:26:02.:26:06.

because it is expensive. Even though it is obviously just boring today,

:26:07.:26:10.

the origin of species was the biggest sensation of its age, thanks

:26:11.:26:15.

to the twist ending, in which Darwin revealed everyone on the planet had

:26:16.:26:20.

been made out of monkey meat all along. It caused a battle between

:26:21.:26:25.

science and the church which still rages today although apparently you

:26:26.:26:28.

do not see them fighting like this because it is a metaphorical battle.

:26:29.:26:33.

Even today, many people still do not believe in evolution but maybe a

:26:34.:26:37.

science man can put them right. Hello, science man, who are you and

:26:38.:26:46.

what are you an expert in or on? I am Mark Thomas and I am a professor

:26:47.:26:53.

of evolutionary genetics. What did people do before evolution? There

:26:54.:26:56.

were not any people before evolution. If we came from monkeys

:26:57.:27:02.

why are there still monkeys? Because some of those monkeys which lived a

:27:03.:27:05.

long time ago turned into other monkeys that we see today like chimp

:27:06.:27:12.

monkeys and so on. Oh, right. So the monkeys which did not turn into

:27:13.:27:15.

humans they must be gutted that they did not turn into humans. Sometimes

:27:16.:27:22.

when I watch these past life hypnosis programmes on satellite

:27:23.:27:25.

channels, all the people on those, they are always ladies in waiting or

:27:26.:27:33.

gladiators, they are never monkeys. Why is that? Probably because they

:27:34.:27:38.

do not actually remember their past lives. It is probably not true. But

:27:39.:27:43.

I find it easier to believe I was a lady in waiting than a monkey. It is

:27:44.:27:49.

may be easier to believe your ancestors were ladies in waiting but

:27:50.:27:53.

I do not see the problem in believing both your ancestors were

:27:54.:27:56.

ladies in waiting a few hundred years ago and before that... Monkey

:27:57.:28:03.

ladies in waiting. Thanks. Because evolution cannot be seen, it is hard

:28:04.:28:07.

to believe in like electricity or skeletons. But one day, maybe we

:28:08.:28:14.

will have evolved eyes which can see evolution and that will prove it is

:28:15.:28:18.

real. Next week, I will be finding out where clouds go at night.

:28:19.:28:22.

Well that's about all we've got time for this week, until next time when

:28:23.:28:26.

hopefully you come back, go away.

:28:27.:28:32.

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